Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going to stop me now *

BALKI: (SINGING) * Put on your Sunday clothes

* Get out the brilliantine and dime cigars

* We're gonna find adventure in the evening air *

Balki, I have great news.

* Girls in white in the perfumed night

* Where the lights are bright as the stars

* Put on your Sunday clothes

* In one of those new horse-drawn open cars

* We'll see the shows at Delmonicos

* And we'll close the town in a whirl

* And we won't come home

* And we won't come home Until we've kissed a girl *

That was fun, huh?

Well, at least we're not doing Cats any more.

(BALKI HUMMING)

Oh, uh, Balki.

I have great news.

My name was mentioned at the weekly editors' meeting.

I'm not sure but I think they're going to give me

a big assignment.

Cousin, that's wonderful!

How you did get into the editors' meeting?

Well, I wasn't exactly in the meeting.

I was near the meeting.

Cousin, you were listening through the vent

in the men's room again, weren't you?

Uh, you're right. I shouldn't do that.

When somebody turns on the hand dryer,

you can't hear a thing.

Appleton!

Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?

Your name was mentioned at the editors' meeting.

He knows that and he would know why

if you would just get rid of that noisy hand dryer.

Balki.

I have a special assignment for you.

A special assignment?

I want you to interview Uncle Shaggy.

-Uncle Shaggy? -Uncle Shaggy?

He's the host on that kids' TV show.

Uncle Shaggy's Dog House.

It's the show's tenth anniversary.

First aired March 10th, 1980.

Appleton, Bartokomous seems to know more about this

than you do. You'd better take him with you.

Yes! Yes! Take him with you!

Cousin, you-you were right. He is give you

the best assignment you ever have.

Balki, I'm interviewing a man who wears a dog suit.

(KIDS MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, that's the end of our run in the park.

(IMITATING DOG HOWLING)

Now it's time to look in Uncle Shaggy's mailbox.

Today's letter is from Ryan Douglas, age six.

And he wants to know...

Cousin, cousin, it's him.

It's Uncle Shaggy in the fur.

He's at the magic mailbox.

Maybe he'll read my letter.

Come on, Balki. Concentrate.

I really need your help here.

Uh, now, how about this for a title?

"Uncle Shaggy, My Life As A Dog."

(GASPS) No!

Been done.

Balki, this is hopeless.

Cousin, remember what Uncle Shaggy always says?

(IMITATING UNCLE SHAGGY) "A difficult task falls into place

when you start that job with a smile on your face."

(IMITATING DOG HOWLING)

And that's why we always brush our teeth.

Okay, boys and girls, one more game of leap dog

then Uncle Shaggy has to say, "So long!"

(IMITATING DOG HOWLING)

(IMITATING DOG HOWLING)

-Say goodbye, Hot Dog. -Hoof-woof!

Bye-bye, boys and girls.

(IMITATING DOG HOWLING)

And we're off the air.

Okay, everyone, that's a wrap.

Frenchie, you're looking a little chunky.

Lay off the table scraps.

(GROWLING)

Yeah, excuse me. Uh, Uncle Shaggy?

My name is, uh, Larry Appleton from the "Chicago Chronicle."

And this is Balki Bartokomous.

Pleased to meet you.

that it's you.

I watch your show every week.

Good dog, Uncle Shaggy.

Ohhh.

(LAUGHING)

Uncle Shaggy, do you mind if I sniff around your house?

Not at all. Make yourself at home.

Uh, he's your biggest fan.

Cousin, look, it's Uncle Shaggy's Frisbee

and his favorite sneaker. I...

I can't believe I'm actually holding things

that have been in Uncle Shaggy's mouth.

Well, I can see how that would be very special for you, Balki.

Oh, yeah, Balki, look, did you see the park?

Well, why don't you go for a run in the park?

That'd be fun, eh?

I'll go through the doggie door.

So, that's Balki Bartokomous.

My producer said something about an interview?

Well, yeah, my paper would like to do a piece

on your tenth anniversary.

Oh, that's great.

then we can talk, but don't bring the camera.

I'm never photographed without my makeup.

Well, it might be fun for the kids to see

what you really look like.

Okay, I won't take any pictures.

I'll see you in ten minutes for the interview.

But no cameras.

Okay, no cameras, no pictures.

Thanks.

I gotta get a picture.

Cousin!

(PANTING) Thank you.

I just did 0 to 60 in 9.2 seconds.

Cousin, the canine couch.

Do you think Uncle Shaggy allows humans on it?

Let's take a chance.

(SIGHS)

Cousin, look.

Uncle Shaggy sheds.

Balki, I just had a great idea for an angle on this story.

Male pattern baldness in dogs?

No. No.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I think a great angle on this story would be

to get a picture of Uncle Shaggy without his makeup.

Cousin, that's a great idea.

The man behind the nose and ears.

Yeah.

Too bad we can't get the picture.

Why not?

a little camera shy especially around reporters.

If only there was someone who wasn't a reporter.

Someone who's a big fan of his.

Someone who could get a picture

Ooh, what a story that would be.

Right up there with the tearing down of the Berlin Wall.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that if you were to hang around Uncle Shaggy

after the interview, distract him with some

idle fan chatter, and then at the right moment,

and this is the important part, Uncle Shaggy must not know

what you are doing,

I must have blacked out.

(STAMMERING) I didn't hear me say that.

Well, Balki, that is a great idea.

Well, thank you very much.

(STAMMERING) I do try.

Too bad it wouldn't work.

-Why? Why not? -Well, it just wouldn't work.

But you just said it was a great idea.

You have plenty of great ideas that don't work.

Why I can't have one?

Well, Balki, you can't take the picture.

-You're not a real reporter. -Well, I...

-Let me take the picture. -No.

Please. I want to take the picture.

-I want to take the picture. -No, no.

-Please. -No.

Well, okay.

Thank you.

I owe you one.

"Story by Larry Appleton.

"Photo by Balki Bartokomous."

Sounds pretty good, huh?

Cousin, it's muzak in my ears.

Thank you again for giving me my first photo opportunity.

Well, you don't have to thank me.

The cufflinks and the money clip were enough.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Well, Uncle Shaggy, what a surprise!

Uncle Shaggy, welcome to our home.

You want to get on our sofa?

You want to chew my sneaker?

I'm not here for fun.

How dare you print this picture?

Uh-oh.

I didn't capture your best side?

I could take another one.

You had no business taking this one, Balki.

Oh, come on, Shaggy.

I know you're a little sensitive about the makeup thing

but you're a public person. This is great publicity for you.

Yeah, great publicity.

Because of this picture, I've been fired.

They fired you because of this picture?

I, uh, all right.

It's a little out of focus

and the lighting's dim but...

I got fired because somebody recognized me

from this picture and called the station.

(SIGHS) I have a prison record.

Don't tell me. Jailhouse Rock?

I love that record.

Balki. Balki, a prison record

doesn't mean a recording.

It means he was in prison.

Why you were in prison?

I tried to get out of it by writing bad checks.

I thought my past was behind me

and it was until you printed this picture.

Well, they can't fire you for something

you did 20 years ago.

Tell that to the producer.

So tomorrow's my last day in the Dog House.

Why did you do this? I told you I didn't want my picture taken.

-Cousin, he told you that? -I'm sorry.

This is all my fault.

I thought I could trust you.

I guess I was wrong.

Cousin, we can't let them do that to Uncle Shaggy.

I feel terrible but there's nothing we can do about it.

Yes. Yes, there is.

We can go right down to that TV studio

and talk to Uncle Shaggy's producer.

And if she thinks she's going to fire Uncle Shaggy

she'll have to do it over my dumb body.

Cousin, there she is.

There's the producer.

Now we have to go talk to her.

Balki, now I know this means a lot to you.

I know you're upset.

But remember, you have to stay calm.

Well, of course, I will. Don't be ridiculous.

Please don't fire Uncle Shaggy! Please, please, please, please!

Why is this person wrapped around my feet?

Uh, I'm Larry Appleton from the "Chicago Chronicle"

and, uh, this is Balki Bartokomous.

We came down to talk about Uncle Shaggy.

We really don't think you should take him off the air.

I'm not taking Uncle Shaggy off the air.

Well, that was easy.

The Uncle Shaggy show stays.

I'm just getting a different actor to play him.

We'd like to see the old Uncle Shaggy keep his job.

Are you crazy? He's a convicted felon!

I don't want any controversy. I'm replacing him.

But you cannot!

Uncle Shaggy is more than just a pair of floppy ears.

More than a set of whiskers.

More than a press-on nose.

-More than a tail! -(GASPS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

What my friend is trying to say

is that Uncle Shaggy has a special place

in the hearts of his fans.

They're kids! They'll get over it.

(SIGHS)

Well, we still have the power of the press behind us.

I'm gonna write an article exposing this whole thing.

No, cousin, we don't have time to wait for an article.

We have do something today.

Well, Balki, what are we gonna do?

Go on TV and tell the kids

that Uncle Shaggy has been eighty-sixed?

I don't think his age is the issue.

But we could go on TV and tell the kids

that Uncle Shaggy has been fired.

Balki, we can't do that.

We could if we were dogs.

-Oh, no. No, no. -Oh!

Psst!

I don't believe this.

First, I have to interview a man in a dog suit.

Now I am a man in a dog suit.

MAN 1: We're back in five, four, three, two...

Wasn't that some great cartoon?

(LAUGHING)

(DISTANT BARKING)

Uh-oh.

(IMITATING DOG WHIMPERING)

(IMITATING DOG HOWLING)

Well, boys and girls

it looks like Frenchie and Hot Dog

are not themselves today.

So I think Uncle Shaggy's gonna have to run to the park...

Alone!

Didn't you hear me, Frenchie and Hot Dog?

I said I'm going to the park alone.

But, Uncle Shaggy... Whoa!

Time for a commercial, boys and girls.

Let's hear from Water Wonder Backyard Pools.

Remember, kids, Water Wonder is impervious to mildew and rot.

We're in the commercial.

-Haven't you done enough? -Uh, listen, Shaggy.

We're here because we want to tell

the kids at home about what's going on.

Oh, it's too late, you make a mistake

you pay for it the rest of your life.

No, no, that's not true.

Come on, Uncle Shaggy, you have to give the fans

a chance to show how much they love you.

Look, I've got two minutes of showtime left.

Let me finish it with some dignity and get out of here.

Shaggy, you're on in three, two...

Welcome back, puppies and hounds.

Frenchie and Hot Dog were just leaving.

No. No, wait a minute.

I have an important announcement to make.

Boys and girls, are you listening?

Shaggy, 30 seconds.

A long time ago, Uncle Shaggy was a bad dog

but now he's a good dog and, uh, they want to...

to give his nose and ears to somebody else

but we cannot let that happen because...

Balki, we're running out of time.

Uncle Shaggy... Ow!

Listen, kids and any parents out there.

A long time ago, Uncle Shaggy went to jail

because of something that he is very sorry he did.

But that's behind him now and he's changed his life.

But now his boss want to fire him.

-So if you love Uncle Shaggy... -And we know you do.

...then call this station right now

and tell them that you want him to stay.

MAN 1: And we're off the air.

Thanks, guys.

Now everyone in the world knows I'm an ex-con.

Balki, you've barely touched your food.

I've never seen you turn up your nose at pig snout.

I just, the thought of never seeing Uncle Shaggy on TV again

has made me lose my appetizers.

Well, Balki, we did everything we could.

We put on dog suits. We sat up and begged on television.

It just didn't work.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

-Uncle Shaggy? -Hi, Larry.

-Hi, Balki. -Hi, Uncle Shaggy.

They gave me my job back!

Oh!

What happened?

with hundreds of calls, telegrams.

Kids showed up with picket signs.

It seems you were right. I have lots of fans out there.

Well, we tried to tell you that but you wouldn't listen.

Hey, why you don't stay

and we'll celebrate with some pig snout?

Uh, tempting but I gotta go.

I gotta go to the dry cleaners and pick up my ears.

Oh!

I really want to thank you for what you did.

You saved my tail.

Well, it's the least we could do.

Oh!

I thought you might like these.

Swell.

My own dog nose?

(SOBBING) I love this country.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)