Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

LARRY: Come on, Jennifer and Mary Anne.

Just a little further.

BALKI: Cousin...

Why... Why did you pick a cabin

two miles away from the rest of the group?

Are you trying to add to your frequent hiker's mileage?

Balki, Balki, Balki.

is way down the hill playing volleyball,

we'll be up here with Jennifer and Mary Anne

playing different games.

Huh? Ah!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BOTH: Ah...

Ah...

(LAUGHS)

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

What are we talking about?

I'll explain it to you later.

(SIGHS) I love getting back to nature.

I just wish it wasn't so far out in the country.

Hey, isn't this place great?

Totally separate from civilization.

No television, no telephone--

Cousin, look, a radio!

I wonder, I wonder if we could get

W-A-N-E, Wane.

Oh, that's my favorite station. Let me try.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

I reserved it way in advance to make sure

we had a nice, private secluded cabin all to ourselves.

The damn toilet's backed up.

I can't believe I'm stuck in this crummy cabin.

Gorpley, what are you doing here?

Would you believe it? The idiots in my cabin threw me out.

Of course, we believe it, Mr. Gorpley.

Ooh, quiet, everybody. There's a news bulletin.

MAN ON RADIO: Convicted killer, Howard Mad Dog Kraus

has escaped from prison.

and is considered extremely dangerous.

He was last seen in the vicinity

of the Big Piney National Forest.

Wait a minute. We're in the Big Piney National Forest.

What if Mad Dog shows up here?

Well, if he does, nobody try to pet him.

You know, uh, maybe we better leave.

We're very isolated up here.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die

and I've already paid this month's alimony.

Let's get out of here. Yeah, good idea.

Wait, people.

We came up here to have fun.

Now don't tell me that you're going to let our whole weekend

be ruined by one six foot four, bald-headed, psychotic killer?

You're letting your fears get the best of you.

This happened once in Mypos.

Bartokomous, we have no time to listen

to a stupid Mypos story. Let's get out of here.

Now, w-wait, wait a minute.

ALL: No.

Balki's right. We're overreacting.

I mean, this is a big forest.

What are the chances of Mad Dog finding this cabin?

Well, I'm gonna lock the door, just in case.

All right. I'll start dinner.

By the time the steaks are done,

we'll all realize how silly we're being.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

It's Mad Dog Kraus.

What are we gonna do?

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

MAD DOG: Open up.!

(DOOR RATTLING)

Not you. Not you, Mr. Gorpley.

Somebody should stay with the women.

Thank you very much, Mr. Gorpley.

but I think we're going to need you out here.

Now, listen, this is my idea.

If Mr. Mad Dog comes in here and kills all three of us

then-then he might get tired

and the girls can escape while he's resting.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Oh! Oh, God.

I gotta come up with a plan.

It's a, it's a lucky thing that door is good and thick.

You have plenty of time to think of something.

Time's up.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

OFFICER: Go on. Get him out of here.

I can't believe you people captured Mad Dog Kraus.

You know, the last time he was captured

it took half the National Guard.

So, uh, how did you do it?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You.

You tell me what happened.

And, uh, try to stick to the facts.

You know, sometimes people get a little

elaborate with their stories.

We all came up here on this crummy trip

the newspaper sponsored.

(SCOFFS)

I was in the back when I heard

Balki, I can't believe it.

You, me, Jennifer and Mary Anne alone in a mountain cabin.

You know what that means? Well, of course, I do.

I am ridiculous.

You're going to try to trick Jennifer into kissing you.

Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

GORPLEY: Then things got interesting.

The babes came in.

I don't know why we have to have a cabin so far away from Sam Gorpley?

You know, this can only mean one thing.

Larry's going to try to trick me into kissing him again.

BOTH: Ew!

Look, cousin, a toaster.

Wow.

Cousin, get the bread.

It just wouldn't be Friday without toast.

Well, I like my Friday toast as much you do, Balki.

But that's not a toaster. It's a radio.

(STUTTERS) A radio? Where do you put the bread?

I just killed a rattlesnake in the bathroom.

Anybody need a belt?

Jennifer, Sam's here.

Thank God, a real man.

He's mine. I saw him first.

I want him. Girls, please.

There's enough of me to go around.

BALKI: Mr. Gorpley.

(CLEARS THROAT) Welcome to our bingi bingi.

You're just in time for dinner. I hope you like bingi bingi.

After dinner, we're going to sit down

in front of the bingi bingi...

...and sing bingi bingi.

Bingi bingi...

and everything's still bingi bingi.

Oh, quiet, everybody. There's a news bulletin.

MAN ON RADIO: Convicted killer, Howard Mad Dog Kraus

has escaped from prison and is thought to be hiding

in the Big Piney National Forest.

My God, I'm gonna die...

And I've never been with a woman.

My God, I'm going to die

and I've never even bingi bingi.

(BOTH CRYING)

Guys.

Guys, guys, guys, get a grip.

I'm okay.

You're letting your fears get the best of you.

Mr. Gorpley's right as usual.

This same thing happened once on Mypos.

It was right after the great cucumber famine.

Or was it the tomato famine?

Maybe it was the great persimmon famine.

Or maybe... Many thanks.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Bartokomous.

I don't have a bingi bingi.

Bartokomous, the door has a key in it.

Appleton, shutters. Oh!

I locked the bingi bingi.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPING) Mad Dog! Mad Dog!

There! There!

That's, um...

For his sake, I hope there's two of him.

Let me handle this.

Later.

Hey, Mad Dog, why don't you come here

and take me on if you're man enough?

I love a man who challenges psychotic killers.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

MAD DOG: Open up!

All right, babes in the closet.

I know you can get us out of this, Sam.

Don't hurt your hands, Sam. You'll need them later.

(GROWLING)

Not you.

Come on.

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

MAD DOG: Open up.

Oh, Mr. Gorpley, you're our only hope.

Can't you think of a plan to save us?

It's a lucky thing the door is bingi bingi.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

(GROWLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Looks like it's just between the two of us, Mad Dog.

(GROANS)

There was a time when a name like Mad Dog meant something.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, God.

Bingi bingi.

Bingi bingi.

Sam, take me.

(SIGHS)

OFFICER: So you knocked out Mad Dog Kraus with one punch?

Yep, and that's pretty much what happened.

Then we called the police and you guys showed up.

Mr. Gorpley, I cannot believe what you said about me.

You know that I never, under any circumstances

would use bingi bingi in a dependent clause.

Officer, I'm Larry Appleton,

investigative reporter from The Chicago Chronicle.

If you want an objective, unbiased account,

I think I'm the man to give it to you.

Hey, hey. Come on, come on.

You're overreacting.

Mad Dog is probably nowhere near here.

Cousin Larry's right, as usual.

Lead us, cousin, and we will follow.

Well, I'm locking the door, just in case.

Fine. Lock the door if it will make you feel better.

I'll start dinner and by the time the steaks are done,

you'll all realize how silly you're being.

That's my cousin.

Hey, is it any wonder I love the guy?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

Larry, didn't you see him? That was Mad Dog Kraus.

Calm yourself, Jennifer. I saw him.

This is nothing I can't handle.

I bet he has a plan.

You have a plan, don't you, cousin?

Of course he has a plan.

Share it with us, cousin.

Ladies, in the closet. Gentlemen, prepare for battle.

Not you, Gorpley.

Cousin, what are you doing?

I'm just getting him back for that story he told.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Come on.

Good plan, Appleton.

Good plan? Good plan?

I'll have you know it's a brilliant plan.

It's my privilege to witness his genius each and every day.

Balki, please. Napoleon was a genius.

I'm just a simple man of great courage.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Here. Here. Here's money. Take it. Take it all.

And there's, uh, women in the closet.

Balki, looks like it's just you and me.

Sorry, I got you into this, buddy.

Uh, Mad Dog, could you give us a moment?

If I have to die, this is the way I want to go.

Fighting at the side of the bravest man I know.

I kiss the ground you walk on.

Did you just walk right there? Yes, I did.

Did you, did you walk over here? Yes, I did.

All right, uh, come on, come on, Balki, come on, come on.

We've got a job to do.

Mad Dog, proceed.

(YELLING)

All right, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this.

(HIGH-PITCHED YELLING)

Let him go. I know karate.

Big deal. (SCOFFS)

(GRUNTS)

All right, I warned you.

Hyah!

(YELLING)

(SCREAMS)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Cousin, I don't think you hurt him.

Oh, no?

(SNAPS FINGER)

Larry, take me.

I like my version better.

Is there anyone here that can tell me what happened

without turning himself into Indiana Jones?

Balki, could you tell me what happened?

Start at the very beginning.

Well, uh, that would be about four years ago

when I first decided to come to America.

Sir, sir, sir.

Could you skip ahead to when Kraus came in?

Oh, uh, all right.

But you're gonna, you're gonna miss hearing

Jennifer and Mary Anne were hiding in the closet

when Mad Dog opened the door.

I'm gonna kill you!

BALKI: Uh, he seemed upset.

Mr. Gorpley went to make sure that Jennifer and Mary Anne

were still safe in the closet.

(SCREAMING)

(STAMMERING) Look, uh, now that you're here,

why-why don't you just leave?

And we won't tell anyone that we saw you.

Cousin, cousin, we-we couldn't do that.

That would be lying.

(STUTTERS) However, I do have a couple of Myposian stories

that apply to this situation. W-Would you like to hear them?

No! No!

Let him go. Why?

Well... Well, uh...

I know karate.

Ha!

Hyah!

Okay, I think I'll kill you first.

(HIGH-PITCHED YELLING)

Oh!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Whoa.

(YELLING)

(MAKES FIGHTING NOISES)

(PANTING)

Hyah!

Cousin, I think he's finished.

Good.

Because I think I broke my hand.

Cousin, let me see.

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Larry, take me home.

What?

"Take me home"?

Is that what you said? Take me home?

Well, yeah.

Balki, uh... (STAMMERS)

Did everything happen the way you said?

Uh, I'm afraid so, cousin.

Well, that, that would explain this.

...with him.

Hey, look, if there's any kind of reward involved

I could come up with a believable story.

Maybe we can work out some kind of arrangement.

Well, cousin, sometimes we remember things

the way we wished they had happened.

I thought I was a hero.

Well, you-you were.

If you hadn't distracted Mad Dog

by letting him nearly kill you...

Then I wouldn't have had enough time

to go get the frying pan and

save your life.

I'm very proud of you, Larry.

And I have all weekend to show you how much.

Well, I-I-I know one thing we could do.

Bingi bingi?

You said it.

Shall we?

BOTH: * You put your bingi in

* You put your bingi out

* You put your bingi in

* And you shake it all about *