Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Dmitri, I know you don't like baths

but if you insist on crawling behind the refrigerator

I have no choice.

Balki!

All our dreams are about to come true.

Suzanne Somers is coming back to prime time?

No. No, Balki, that's your dream.

What I mean is we are going to be rich!

Cousin, I'd love to be rich

but don't that require money?

No. No. You don't understand. We are going to be rich!

But first, we are going to buy a house.

I'd love to buy a house.

But again, don't we have that same pesky money problem?

No. No. We don't.

It shows you how to buy a house for no money down.

It was brilliant. Now, I have a plan.

Oh, God.

A plan that is going to make us both rich

beyond our wildest dreams.

Cousin, I've been keeping some notes

on plans you've had over the years.

(THUDS)

Seven of your plans have cost me money.

Thirteen of your plans

have cost me pride and dignity.

And three of them eventually required an ointment.

Okay, fine.

If you don't want to dare to make a fortune

I guess that's up to you.

Well, thank you for letting me

off the hook so easily.

If you want to reject a basic principle

of the American way of life, I guess you can do that.

Because this is really eating up my day.

Alright, partner.

Now, here's the plan. We buy a house.

We get the owner to carry back paper.

We don't need money because the seller takes a second

reimburses the buyer for the amount of the down.

You understand?

Everything except the part that came after, "Alright, partner."

After we buy a house for no money

we fix it up a little and then we sell it.

We use the profits to buy a better house.

And then we sell that house

So what do you say, Balki? Shall we dare to make a fortune?

Well... why not?

Today I, I went to the park

and some kid dared me to eat a bug.

I got through that.

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PASSAGE PLAYS)

"White."

"Eggshell."

"Cream."

They're peg 'n' groove."

Balki? Yeah.

What do you think of cream?

Oh, the greatest center in the history of basketball.

Not Kareem. Cream. Cream. C-R-E-A-M.

Oh, Cream.

(CHUCKLES)

I feel like an idiot.

I think, uh, Cream was one of the best groups

in the history of rock 'n roll.

(IMITATING GUITAR SOUNDS)

Girls, what do you think?

Guys, I'm impressed. This house is beautiful.

Yeah, and it's so big.

Tell me something I do know.

This house is as nice as the palace of the King of Mypos.

Only, instead of a stairway coming down from the bedroom

his serene highness has a water slide.

Cousin, I was wondering-- No.

Uh, I...

Couldn't we put in a water slide?

No. No major remodeling.

We're just gonna clean the place up, slap on a new coat of paint

turn it over for a quick profit

and we move on to our next house.

That sounds great.

Who are you gonna hire to do the work?

Well, we're gonna do it ourselves.

Oh.

Ladies, I'm picking up a little doubt here.

We don't need any professional help.

Well, you're right.

Wanna bet?

Uh, Mary Anne, come on. Uh, we're gonna miss our flight.

Bye-bye.

You're sweeping me off my feet again.

Get out of here. Get out of here.

(SIGHS) Okay, let's get to work.

Okay.

Maybe we should have hired professional help.

Oh, nonsense.

A professional would cost us money

All right, let's get started.

Oh, uh, Balki, wanna grab that drop cloth?

Oh, sure.

I'll tell you what, you set up the ladder

and, uh, I'll get the brushes.

Okay. All right.

Oh, cousin?

Ooh.

A ladder is not a toy.

Cousin, you're absolutely right.

Thank you.

(THUDS)

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

* Spritz spritz spritz rub rub rub

* And a couple of tra-la-las

* That's how we shine the banister

* In this merry old house of ours *

Balki, a car just pulled up.

We are going to have this house sold by lunch.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Uh, we saw the sign out front.

Oh, yeah? Come in. Come on in.

Uh, take a look around.

I'm Elliot. This is my wife, Hope.

Oh, hi.

I'm Larry. This is my cousin, Balki.

How much are you asking for the house?

A hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

Unless you went to the "Dare To Make A Fortune" seminar

in which case you know how to get the house for free.

Forgive him. He's from an Eastern Bloc country.

They're all in a state of confusion.

Thanks. Honey?

What is the matter with you?

They are going to buy this house.

we could be on our way to being filthy rich.

You know, this house is exactly like the one

we saw down the street.

You mean, the one they built on top of the old cemetery?

Uh... would you excuse us for a minute, please?

Honey, the only difference is the other house

has new doors and a fancy chandelier in the entry.

And they're asking $20,000 more

than these guys want for this place.

I think we should snap this place up

before somebody else buys it.

Let's do it.

Okay, we'll take the house.

Cousin, we sold the house!

Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy!

* Dai dai dai dai... *

Cousin...

...mama told me never to do the Dance of Joy alone

or I would go blind.

I'm sorry. The house is not for sale.

But, but you just said it was.

Cousin, uh, he's right.

I, I was right here. I heard you.

I know, uh, but, uh,

well, I was born in this house...

...and so were my parents and all my close friends.

Uh, the memories just came rushing back

and, well, it's just not for sale.

I'm sorry. But I hope you find something else--

I really like this house.

Maybe in the neighborhood. I'd like to buy this house--

I'm sorry. Take care.

Very nice to meet you.

Cousin, I thought you were born in Madison, Wisconsin.

And they moved this house all the way from Wisconsin?

Yes.

Balki, didn't you hear what those people said?

If we put in some new doors, some fixtures

and a chandelier,

Wait a minute.

You weren't born in this house.

I bet not even half your friends were born in this house.

Yes! I want to make more money.

And if we do a little remodeling

Balki, I have a plan.

We are going to dare to make an even bigger fortune.

And me with no ointment.

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PASSAGE PLAYS)

Well, Balki, we're in the home stretch.

All we have to do is hang this chandelier

then we can sell this baby and move on to our next house.

Cousin, you're turning me into a believer.

The house looks great and you got a good deal

on this chandelier.

Yeah, great chandelier.

You know, life is funny.

The Driskill Hotel is condemned...

...hundreds of people lose their jobs...

...bad for them, good for us.

Come on, let's hoist this baby into place.

All right, ready? Yeah.

Pull.

(GRUNTING)

Are we there yet? No.

It's not working.

Balki, we're using too much brawn, not enough brains.

What we need is more leverage.

Balki, follow me.

Grab on to the rope.

(SPITS)

You ready? Yeah.

There we go.

Balki, a couple more jumps off the stairs

and we'll have this baby in place.

Cousin!

Cousin!

You hear that? What?

Huh? Whoa! Balki!

Balki! Balki!

Sorry, cousin.

Well, Balki, we're in the home stretch.

All we have to do is finish putting in these light bulbs

then we can sell this baby and move on to our next house.

Well, cousin, if we do...

we'll have to start a new category for your plans.

Yeah? What's that? Plans that work.

Whoop! Whoa!

Careful. Sorry.

Let's just finish putting in these light bulbs.

Ah!

Ah! Balki!

Get the ladder! Get the ladder!

Get the ladder! Whoo...

Get the ladder! Get the ladder, Balki!

Oh! Oh!

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, cousin, we're in the home stretch.

All we have to do is find a way to get down from here

and then we can sell this baby and move on to our next house.

I don't suppose you went to a seminar on

how to get out of a light fixture?

(TINKLING)

Come on, Balki, we can get through this.

It's not like we're the first guys

to get stuck in a chandelier.

Cousin, let's be honest. Jennifer was right.

We should have hired professional help.

I mean, cleaning and painting were easy

but now we're in over our heads.

In fact, I think we're in over most people's heads.

(GASPS)

Well, who had time to hire professional help?

We're racing against the clock.

Wait a minute, why are we in such a hurry?

I was hoping to join the neighborhood watch

and take a bite out of crime.

Balki... there is part of the plan

I didn't tell you about.

Nothing good can follow that sentence.

but in ten days... our house payment is due.

Uh-huh.

Just out of curiosity,

how much would that house payment be?

A hundred and forty thousand dollars.

A hundred and forty thousand dollars?

I got a 30-day loan. I thought that's all we needed.

Who knew?

Yoo-hoo.

Larry?

Balki, are you here?

Yes. We're up here.

Hi, guys. The house looks great.

You should see it from up here.

This a bad time?

No, no, no.

We're just, uh, finishing up.

(STAMMERING) Could you just slide that ladder over here?

Okay, I owe you 20 bucks.

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

LARRY: If you don't like the color, well, we can repaint.

I wanted to go with cream.

I thought it would look really nice in here...

Looky-loos.

Our house payment is due.

we'll be ruined.

Well, cousin, I... I agree we're in debt

up to our chandelier, but... I figured it out.

If we sell everything we own

we'll only be short $132,000.

(CRYING)

Cousin, I can see nothing's going to cheer you up.

(CRYING) I don't wanna...

Are you the owners?

I know.

Thanks for stopping by.

You are? We're the Hendersons.

I'm Skitch and this is my wife, Florence.

Hello. Well, you're just in time.

My associate and I were just considering

which offer on the house to accept.

We were? Oh.

You've had a lot of offers? Yes.

We have?

Yes, uh, but we can always consider another one.

Don't you agree, Balki? Balki? Balki?

(THWACKS)

it might help us to decide which offer to accept.

Well, how much are you asking?

A hundred and seventy thousand dollars.

$120. $120!

Ow.

You know, in some parts of the world

an offer that low would be considered an insult.

And my associate would have to beat himself

with a leather strap.

I would like to point out that the chandelier alone

is worth $10,000.

You won't find another one like it anywhere.

Unless another hotel goes belly up.

All right, $140,000.

Ah! Ah! Ah! I know. I know, Balki.

I'm a little shocked at their offer myself.

$140,000.

Mr. Henderson, you can't expect me

to seriously consider an offer that low.

(TINKLING)

Cousin. Cousin. Cousin.

He'll come up.

(RATTLES)

Cousin. Cousin.

No, Balki. I'm not coming down.

It's not your coming down that's worrying me.

Could you, could you excuse us?

Cousin, the chandelier is falling.

(RATTLES)

Oh, my Lord!

We got to close this deal fast.

No, no, no, cousin.

Balki, if we sell the house, I promise

I'll hire a professional to fix the chandelier.

You promise? I promise.

Okay.

Why don't we walk out to my car and sign the papers?

Why don't we run out to your car?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I've lost my contact lens.

Oh, no, no, no.

There's a free set of contact lenses come with the house.

But I'd like my contact lens, please--

No, no, no. No, no, no.

We'll-we'll do it together. Um, we...

Ready?

Yeah.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh! Oh! Oh! I got it! I got it!

Thank you very much.

No trouble. Is something wrong?

No! No, no, everything is fine. And congratulations.

You just bought yourself a house for a $140,000.

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLANKING)

Okay, $135,000.

(SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, cousin, I figured it out.

Daring to make a fortune only cost us $42.

A month.

For the rest of our lives.

I'm sorry, Balki.

I guess I just let my greed hormones run wild again.

(SIGHS)

But no.

It wasn't enough for Larry Appleton.

(IMITATING LARRY) No, it wasn't.

I wanted more. Yes, you did.

Well, I learned my lesson. Oh, I doubt that.

No, Balki, I did.

In fact, next week I'm taking a seminar

"How To Profit From Your Mistakes."

Well, cousin, if there is a profit

to be made from mistakes...

you're gonna be a rich man.