Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Get a feeling like you need

Some kind of change

Nothing's going to stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street

A light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

Through the rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life

And my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Who can take a mailbag

Mailbag mailbag

Dump it on his desk Dump it on his desk

Stamp each letter twice

Before he has to take a rest

The Balki man

Oh the Balki man can

The Balki man can

To make the stamp stay on

Bartokomous, where is Mr. Glover's mail?

for the new executive vice president

was delivered first thing this morning by sincerely yours.

Oh! Darn it.

I wanted to deliver Mr. Glover's mail myself.

Never mind. I'll send him a gift.

Oh, he'll like that.

Something classy.

I wonder if "Bambi" is available.

I'm sure it is.

I returned my copy this morning.

It's kind of fun watching Gorpley grovel.

Well, I think we've all been a little nervous

ever since Mr. Wainwright gave Glover carte blanche

to reorganize the newspaper.

Question, cousin.

when more businesses worldwide accept Visa and MasterCard?

No, Balki, carte blanche means

Glover can make any changes he wants to.

And that includes hiring and firing.

Well, at least I can rest easy.

you don't have to worry about your job.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, I got rid of some of the dead wood

in advertising, Mr. Wainwright.

That's, that's him. That's Mr. Glover.

And there's a bright young reporter

in the financial department, Craig Howard,

who should have his own column, if that's all right with you, sir.

Whatever you think's best, Glover.

If you can do for us what you did

You can count on it, Mr. Wainwright.

Have a nice trip, Mr. Wainwright.

Thank you, Appleton.

Appleton.

Appleton?

Oh, so you wrote the article

on corruption in the sanitation department?

Good job.

Oh, uh, Mr. Wainwright.

be sure and tell him Lydia Markham says hello.

Oh, so you are Lydia Markham.

I wanted to talk to you about your readers.

Oh, why yes.

There are a lot of them, aren't there?

Yes. But unfortunately, they're all over 40.

We're trying to appeal to a younger crowd now, Lydia,

and you're not helping. Be in my office at 2:00.

Miss Lydia, are you okay?

You want, you want to sit down?

If I don't start writing about pimples,

petting and puberty, I'm history!

Cousin, Miss Lydia seemed really upset.

Yeah, upset, too bad.

Balki, this could be it.

I know Craig Howard in financial,

I'm twice the writer he is.

And he is getting his own column!

Maybe you'll get two columns!

Balki, the point is, if Glover's moved him up

I can't be far behind.

Oh good. I'm glad you're still here.

I wanted to talk to you about a promotion.

I've created a new department here called Editorial Services

and I think the most qualified person

to head up that department is you.

Thank you, sir. Not you.

I was talking to him.

Congratulations, Bartokomous.

You're an executive.

You! You're fired.

But why did Mr. Grover give you such a big office?

Because he had to, it's the only place they could fit

my giant, humongous desk.

Have you seen his desk, Larry?

No, I was busy working all day

at my little desk in the...

In the giant, humongous basement.

Tell me about the chair again, Balki.

Well, it's a rolling chair.

And it's just like Cousin Larry's

only it has all its wheels.

And it's covered with leather.

Before we get into fabrics,

uh, does anybody want some more coffee?

Well, I'll make some anyway 'cause I wanna be alert

when we discuss the carpeting.

Oh, the carpeting!

and did I mention it's Wear-Dated?

Larry, is Balki's promotion bothering you?

I mean this morning he was working in the mail room.

And this afternoon he's got a huge office

on the executive floor.

Well, maybe you're a little jealous of Balki.

Oh, Jennifer, please.

Please.

I mean, do you think I'd be jealous of Balki,

just because he has his own office?

Deep pile carpeting and a huge desk...

Larry, I just felt that there was...

So he can sit in his Corinthian leather chair

and enjoy the sunset?

Yes.

Okay, you're right.

But I'm not gonna let any petty jealousy

stop me from being happy for my best friend.

You know, I think powerful men are very sexy.

You do?

I do.

Balki, buddy.

I just want you to know

that no one is happier for you than I am.

Oh, thank you, cousin. I mean,

you're a very hard worker,

Oh, cousin, thank you.

Listen, I know I don't need to say this.

But I want you to know that my new executive lifestyle

is not going to change our friendship in any way.

I know that.

And to celebrate your promotion

I'd like to take you to lunch tomorrow.

Tomorrow's no good for me.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN: There's a Mr. Appleton here to see you.

BALKI: Cousin Larry!

Well, my pleasure.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Interesting outfit. Oh, thank you.

I'm trying to dress for excess.

Well, you're succeeding.

Well, Balki, this place is incredible.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

They are so generous.

I'm conducting an experiment

to see how fast I can boil water

and then freeze it.

My personal best is 18 minutes.

is right around the corner.

And, cousin, as if all of this weren't enough, look at this.

They gave me

my very own

salad maker!

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Balki, that's a paper shredder.

A paper salad?

Interesting concept.

Well, it sounds tasty.

Mr. Glover assigned me to interview you for the newspaper.

Get out of the city! No, I'm serious.

He wants me to trace what he calls

your meteoric rise from the mail room

to head of Editorial Services.

Well, why don't we step on over here?

To what I like to call

my "Sitting down and talking area."

And get up close and personal.

Great.

does on a typical day?

Oh! Oh...

So many things.

I just... I don't know where to begin.

I'm as busy as a mosquito in a nudist colony.

I'll go read you from my book.

"One o'clock, get my picture taken.

"Three o'clock,

"get my picture taken."

Balki, is that all you do?

Get your picture taken?

Well, of course not.

Don't be ridiculous.

But we better wrap this up quick,

because at 4 o'clock I've got to...

Get my picture taken. Get your picture taken.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Mr. Bartokomous. Mr. Glover!

Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, some members

of the Chamber of Commerce are outside.

Would you mind having your picture taken?

Does Miss Mypos have a moustache?

I'll be right back.

Mr. Glover,

I'm having a little trouble with this assignment.

Uh, maybe you can clear some things up for me.

What exactly does the head of Editorial Services do?

Well, he's a...

Liaison between editorial operations and management

providing a vital source of input to reduce friction

and enhance efficiency.

And how precisely does Balki do that?

Well, in a variety of ways

by networking within the infrastructure

and interfacing with the private sector.

I'm sorry, Mr. Glover

for somebody who's got no job at all.

Okay, Appleton, okay.

Let me clear something up for you.

Have you ever heard of a government program

called American Dream?

Well, sure, It's a training program for immigrants.

Helps them acquire the skills necessary

to advance in the business community.

Mmm, that's the one.

Well, I promoted Bartokomous

as a part of that program.

As far as I can tell, you're not training Balki to do anything.

(CHUCKLING) It's a waste of time.

No, it's much easier to have you write an article

that makes it look like I trained him.

Well, Mr. Glover, what you're doing

is tokenism.

Well, okay.

If you, if you can't write it

well, uh, I can find, someone else who can

while you look for another job.

Think about it.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Jennifer, it's just not right.

What Glover has done is take a valuable program

that helps people who could use a break

and turned it into a meaningless showcase.

Larry, you have to tell Balki what's happening.

Well, I've tried to everyday this week

but he's so happy.

I'd just hate to burst his bubble.

Well, maybe he's not as happy as you think he is.

I am the happiest Mypiot

Then again, what do I know?

Jennifer. Jennifer,

we don't see enough of each other any more.

Have your people call my people

and we'll do lunch?

I'll do that.

Bye. Bye.

Well, Balki,

Oh, come on, cousin. Get real.

I'm living the life of Pat Riley!

How could I not be happy?

I mean, how could I not be happy?

I guess you got everything.

(SOBBING) So how could I not be happy?

Balki.

No, I'm not.

Well, why not?

I don't know.

I know I should be.

I know I've got everything a Mypiot could wish for,

(WHINES) but something's missing.

What?

(GASPING)

(WHINES) Something's missing.

What?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Something's missing.

Oh, something's missing.

Well, yes, Balki.

What's missing is a real job.

But I have a real job. I'm head of Editorial Services.

And what exactly does the head of Editorial Services do?

I don't know.

Every time I ask Mr. Glover what my job is

I get my picture taken.

I'm beginning to feel

Well, Balki, I'm afraid that's exactly what you are.

I am?

Oh, cousin, I hope they don't have a Swimsuit Issue.

No, Balki, what I mean is, Glover has created this job

so it'll look like the Chronicle is complying

with a government program that helps immigrants.

But there really is no job at all.

It's a fake, a sham, and you're just a...

A puppet in Glover's sleazy scheme.

Oh, cousin, that is the best news

I've heard since they brought back The Munsters.

It is? Yes.

I thought that everyone knew what my job was, but me.

Now, I can quit this sleazy puppet show

and go back to the mail room.

No, Balki, Balki.

If you do that, Glover will just replace you

with somebody else.

But that won't solve the problem.

No, it won't.

What we have to do is find a way to get rid of Glover

so the program will work the way it's supposed to.

How we do that?

Well, I think if we give Glover enough rope,

he just might hang himself.

I'd prefer nonviolence.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Appleton, I've just gotten off the plane.

I've got jet lagged, and I've eaten airline food.

What is so important that I come here

before I go to my office?

in some of the changes Mr. Glover has made.

So, I'd like you to meet the new head of Editorial Services.

Fine, have him call me. We'll have lunch.

Mr. Wainwright, it's me, Balki Bartokomous.

You?

Well, I'm sure Glover knows what he's doing.

He knows what he's doing.

Mr. Glover's on his way up.

Okay. Mr. Wainwright.

There's no time to explain,

And you're the only person with the power to stop him.

So, we were wondering if you'd mind very much

hiding under the desk?

What?

Well, I know it's a strange request but it's the only way

we can prove our case against Glover.

You want me to get under the desk?

Yes, sir.

If I'm wrong, you can fire me.

That's a given.

Mr. Glover's here. Okay, okay.

I don't believe I'm doing this.

Appleton!

This is not the article I told you to write.

Now, you do it over, and you do it my way.

about the way you're implementing

the American Dream program.

And I merely pointed out that Balki isn't getting

the real opportunities that the program is designed to give.

Oh, well, why don't we ask Balki about that?

Are you unhappy in your new position here?

Well, I'm not one to complain

but all I do is get my picture taken.

I'm starting to get flashbulb burn.

Mr. Glover, doesn't the program have something

to do with training immigrants?

Oh, sure. Sure. I could train him.

But then he'd go to lunch

Forgive me, Mr. Glover.

I'm just a poor, ignorant immigrant.

English is not my mother's tongue.

But, are you saying

you never had any intention

of giving me anything to do?

No. You're doing something, Bartokomous.

You're taking a job away from a real American

who deserves it.

Oh, I see. So you're saying

that if a person is not born here

then he has no right to work here.

No, no, no, no, you foreigners can work here

but the good jobs should go to real Americans.

Now, am I talking too fast for you?

Mr. Glover, you may have been born in America

but you're not much of an American.

to know the meaning of the word.

Oh, really?

You're fired!

Uh, Mr. Wainwright. How, how was your trip, sir?

Save it, Glover. Clean out your desk.

Clean out my desk?

I'm doing a great job here.

Your costs are down.

Your circulation is up.

There are more important things

than lower cost and higher circulation.

I'm not firing you because you're doing a bad job.

I'm firing you because you're a bigot

and there's no room in the Chronicle for bigots.

Mr. Glover, I know you're not wild about government programs

but you might want to look into Unemployment.

Goodbye, Mr. Glover.

Mr. Glover.

On your way out you can have Maria validate your parking.

That was a gutsy thing you two did.

Well, we know our way around guts, Mr. Wainwright.

I don't know if you've ever made sausage from scratch--

Balki, Balki. You have to get right up--

Balki, Balki, Mr. Wainwright is saying we're brave.

And I still want you to be part of the American Dream program, Balki.

Does that mean I have to stay in this job?

Not at all. I'm sending you back to the mail room for time being.

But, Appleton, I want you to take Bartokomous

under your wing and train him.

My pleasure, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.

Keep up the good work, boys.

Balki, did you hear that?

You are gonna get a chance to become a real reporter!

Cousin, now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

Dai dai dai dai

Da-dai dai dai dai dai

Hey hey hey hey

Hey hey hey

(THEME SONG PLAYING)