Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

Okay, whose idea was it

to go to the zoo in the middle of winter?

What a great day for the zoo.

Balki, take off the elephant nose.

It was embarrassing enough at the restaurant.

Oh, come on, cousin. Lighten up.

Why you don't put on your alligator nose?

The nose goes on, I go out.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Balk-eye Bartookamouse?

I'm Balk-eye.

Could you please sign your name?

With a pen.

There you go.

Thank you.

What is it, Balki?

No kidding.

(BALKI GASPS)

Oh, what, did the village idiot die

and they sent you his hat?

Cousin, show some respect.

This is the headpiece worn

by the official negotiator on Mypos.

No negotiating can take place without this hat.

We call it The Hat Of A Thousand Quibbles.

Well, it's beautiful.

Does it come with instructions?

Well, there's a letter.

It's from King Ferdinand.

Must be important.

"Dear Balki.

"wants to buy 500 acres of land

"on the north shore of Mypos.

"And we want..."

He wants me to negotiate the sale.

And they, they set up a meeting for tomorrow.

Excuse me. I've got to start my preparations.

* Hey, beegy

* Yoomba conga neengy

* Kongy fongy, hongi bongi

* Icky wicky, oh, yeah

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi, hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi, icky icky

* Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, oh, yeah *

Well, uh...

We'll just get out of your way.

Bye, Balki.

Bye, Mary Anne.

Goodnight.

Bye, Larry.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Balki. Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm doing the Hongi Bongi.

It's the, the ritual of purification.

I must be worthy to wear the hat.

Also, it makes my negotiating hormones kick in.

* Hey, beegy

* Yoomba conga neengy

* Kongy fongy, hongi bongi

* Icky wicky, oh ,yeah

* Hongi bongi, hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi, hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi, hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi icky icky

* Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong oh, yeah *

Balki, can I ask a question? Sure.

When you negotiate on Mypos what exactly is your goal?

Well, our goal is for each side

to agree on a fair price

and then party till we drop.

* Hey beegy... *

Balki. Yes.

But, cousin, I really have to--

Balki, this is not Mypos. It's America.

Sit down.

Balki, when Americans negotiate

they don't, they don't care about a fair price.

All they care about is getting as much as they can

for as little as possible. You see?

Now the very first Americans

negotiated a deal with the Indians.

They gave them $24 worth of beads

for the island of Manhattan.

And now Americans are making billions of dollars

by selling the same island to the Japanese.

These beads...

Balki, I think you're going to have to find someone

to help you with American negotiating techniques.

You're right.

Cousin, would you be my official negotiating adviser?

There's a ceremony.

I'd rather pass on that.

It's mandatory. Okay.

Let's get the humiliation over with.

Cousin Larry Appleton,

you are my official negotiating adviser.

That's it? That's it. Got any advice?

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Stanhouse will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Cousin, this room is beautiful.

It's even more beautiful

than the room at the Holiday Inn

where we went to that Amway meeting.

Don't let it throw you.

Yeah, and remember what I taught you last night.

Never ever accept their first offer.

Even if they offer you $50,000, you say...

$50,000? Ha!

You must be joking.

Ooh, look at this.

Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting.

I'm J.R. Stanhouse.

Senior executive ice president

of Worldwide Amalgamated.

In charge of corporate acquisitions.

Larry Appleton, senior executive official adviser

to the official head negotiator

for the sovereign island nation of Mypos

in charge of a lot of important stuff.

Very pleased to meet you, Mr. Appleton.

And this is Balki Bartokomous

official negotiator for Mypos.

Mr. Bartokomous.

Gentlemen, uh, shall we get started?

Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.

Uh, Cousin Larry and I

have to prepare the room for the negotiations.

Balki, is this really, really necessary?

Cousin, you agreed.

Okay. Ah, just bear with us for a moment.

BOTH: * Hey beegy

* Yoomba conga neengy

* Kongy fongy, hongi bongi

* Icky wicky, oh, yeah

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi, icky icky

* Bong, bong, bong, bong

* Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong

* Doo-wah *

This room has been cleansed.

Please be seated.

Gentlemen, I trust you're familiar

with the piece of land in question?

Familiar with it?

Yes, we are, Mr. Stanhouse

and I must compliment you

on your astute knowledge of valuable real estate.

Mr. Outhouse. Oh.

A question.

Why does your company want 500 acres on Mypos?

Audits indicate that our debt ratio is highly underleveraged

and in order to avoid certain tax liabilities,

we need to invest capital before the end of our fiscal year.

I know the problem well.

for the land in question.

In addition, the two of you

of ten percent of the total purchase price.

Now, after careful examination

of the land on that part of the island--

We get money?

Ten percent, to be paid by Worldwide of course.

Now... We get money?

Gentlemen, for the 500 acres indicated,

Worldwide Amalgamated

will pay to the island of Mypos 28 million dollars.

Sold! Sold! It's a deal!

Sold! It's a deal! Here, where-where do we sign?

Here, here, use my pen. You can use my pen.

Here we go! Here we go!

Cousin Larry can't say "sold."

Only the head negotiator can say "sold."

Of course. I got a little excited.

Go ahead, Balki, you're the head negotiator.

Say "sold!"

As the head negotiator,

I'm going to have to study it,

I'll get back to you,

say, the second Tuesday after the new moon?

I must inform you, sir,

that Worldwide Amalgamated

so our offer is only good till 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

LARRY: Balki, we are being offered 10% of 28 million dollars

if you just say yes.

Cousin, people don't pay millions of dollars

for something that's worthless.

Of course, they do!

I don't know, cousin.

Balki, what more do you need to know?

Worldwide Amalgamated is

one of the nicest multinational corporations

in the Fortune 500.

Yeah, we read the annual reports,

the press releases, the cover story in Time magazine.

I got this microfilm.

But reading the tiny print is giving me a headache.

Now, could 28 million dollars

improve the lives of the people on Mypos?

Yes. Yes?

Yes. We could, we could build better roads.

Better roads.

New schools. New schools!

And there has been talk of, of building a football stadium

and luring the Raiders over.

Well, Balki. This is your chance.

Mypos will have the Raiders!

The Raiderettes! The silver and black!

You mean, Bo knows sheepherding?

Yes.

So, in the morning, you'll accept this offer

and we'll get expensive haircuts.

Oh, cousin, I wish I could say yes!

You can. I can?

Yes, you can.

No, I can't. Why not?

Because I don't know why Worldwide wants to buy the land.

Balki, they told you why they want to buy the land.

They've got a tax problem.

In fact, if you'd say yes,

we would have one problem.

A big, beautiful, kiss it on the mouth

$2.8 million tax problem.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Cousin, I want you to calm down.

You're getting a greed-high again.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Why is this so hard?

Balk-eye Bartookamouse?

I'm Balk-eye.

Could you please sign...

Uh, take this pen and sign your name.

It's from Worldwide.

"Dear, Mr. Bartokomous, effective immediately,

Worldwide Amalgamated withdraws its offer of 28 million dollars.

Further evaluation of the land in question

makes it prudent..."

Balki. I'm going to the window now.

If you need me, I'll be on the pavement.

Take a sweater.

BALKI: '"So effective immediately,

we are raising our offer to 35 million dollars."

Thirty million dollars?

Balki, you are a genius.

You held out and squeezed

another seven million dollars out of them.

Do you think it would be too much if we hired a butler?

It seems like this is an offer I can't refuse.

You can't refuse? You can't refuse? He can't refuse!

What are you going to do with your share of the money?

I give it to the poor.

Good. They'll be taken care of.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Bartokomous is 20 minutes late.

If he doesn't get here soon to sign those papers,

I'm afraid our deal is off.

Oh, don't worry. He'll be here any minute.

He's very hot for this deal.

What do you think of the new Mercedes?

Balki, where have you been?

Mr. Bartokomous, we were getting worried.

BALKI: I'm sorry.

I had to return the documents

to the archive so I wouldn't be slapped

with that ten cents a day late charge.

Mr. Bartokomous, shall we get started?

Certainly.

Mr. Appleton has the contracts.

All we need is your signature.

Well, uh, before that,

there's something that I must do.

Right, alright, alright. This, this will just take a minute.

* Hey beegy

* Yoomba conga neengy

* Kongy fongy, hongi bongi

* Icky wicky, oh, yeah

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi

* Hongi bongi... *

Stop, stop, stop!

Now, sit down and listen.

Ahem.

Once upon a time...

there was a beautiful island in the South Pacific

called Tamiki. And the Tamiki-ites--

Okay, uh, Balki, Balki here's a thought.

and then do story time while they're making out our checks?

Cousin, cousin, I'm trying to get this story

off the ground, okay?

Just, just...

The Tamiki-ites were very happy.

And then one day, they sold part of their island

to a big corporation.

to store things.

What kind of things did they want to store?

Well, we're not talking about things

that you would store in your garage

like, uh, Christmas decorations

and old National Geographic's

and the occasional Pez dispenser

where the candy comes out of the fish head.

So... after a while,

the palm trees started to die

and the water started to smell bad

and the Tamiki-ites started to get sick.

And pretty soon they had to move away

from their beautiful island home

because it wasn't beautiful anymore.

What the big corporation was storing there

was toxic waste.

And do you know what is the name

of the corporation that did this to Tamiki?

I'm feeling a little queasy.

Do you have any saltines?

The name of the corporation

is Seifert Incorporated.

Seifert Incorporated?

Well, Balki, that's a very interesting fact

but these nice people work for Worldwide Amalgamated.

So, let's sign the papers.

Worldwide Amalgamated owns Seifert Incorporated.

Babasticki!

I learned this fact when I took

the microfilm back to the archives.

And I would like to take this opportunity

to thank my official negotiating adviser, Cousin Larry

for suggesting that I show the microfilm on the machine.

I'm sorry, gentlemen. We have no deal.

Good day, gentlemen.

Find me another island.

No deal? No deal.

No deal? No deal.

(CRYING) But I wanted a deal.

I wanted to have a deal.

Come on, cousin. Come on.

Just think of it... Think of it this way.

We saved the lives of everyone on Mypos.

Well, I guess that's a good thing.

But all that money.

Cousin, I know. I know.

I know. Come on, come on.

Ah, you're right.

(SIGHS)

We did a good thing.

Well, actually, uh,

I was just trying to do the best thing for Mypos.

(SIGHS)

I can understand why they asked you

to be the official negotiator.

That King Ferdinand is no fool.

Well, of course he's not. Don't be ridiculous.

He just likes to wear the outfit.

(THEME MUSIC PASSAGE PLAYS)