Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life

* And my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

Cousin, hi.

I just hear the greatest joke at night school.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me decompose myself.

Okay, listen to this.

and, boy, are my arms tired.

No, no, no. I didn't tell that right. Wait a minute.

Balki, uh, I'd love to hear a joke but I'm kinda busy.

Oh, cousin. What? What you're doing?

Well, I'm making my selections

for the football pool at work.

Football pool? A football pool.

Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.

I didn't even know they had a pool at work,

let alone one large enough to play football in.

Balki, a football pool is like a lottery.

For a dollar, you pick the teams

you think you're gonna win on Sunday.

Ooh-wow!

What does the winner who picks the most winners

wind up winning?

Well, usually around $65.

Get out of the city!

$65? I want to play.

Here's my dollar.

What do I do next? Well,

just circle all the teams you think are gonna win.

picking winning football teams is very complicated.

If you have any questions at all,

don't be afraid to ask.

Where do I turn this in?

Okay, no, no. No, no. That wasn't it. That wasn't it.

I got it now, I got it.

I just took a Bosnian from Denver,

and boy, are my arms tired.

Wait a minute, no, no, no.

Boy, comedy is tough.

Uh, Bartokomous.

I don't know how you did it,

but you won the football pool.

Balki won the football pool?

Balki won the football pool?

Balki won the football pool?

How much did he win?

Well, you would have won $65

if it weren't for that darn immigrant rule.

Sam, give him his money

or I will print the letter your ex-wife wrote

to my advice column.

You know, the one she signed "short-changed in Chicago."

Hey, I guess, we can waive the rule this week.

Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.

Lydia, I heard you got three this week.

You getting outside help?

I'm gonna print the letter anyway.

* Money makes the world go around

* The world go around

* The world oh oh

LARRY: Balki?

You picked all 13 winners.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

It must have been my sheepherder's intuition.

Sheepherder's intuition?

Yeah, cousin, now that I look at it, it makes perfect sense.

Obviously, a bronco can beat a colt.

And a lion could beat a Bengal.

After all, the lion is king of the jungle.

And I took the bills over the chargers

because no matter how much you keep charging,

sooner or later you have to pay the bill.

Well, Balki, that's certainly a cute little system,

but I wouldn't plan on you being lucky enough

to win another pool with it.

Well, I'd rather have a cute little system

than an empty little wallet.

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Appleton, here's your pick sheet for the football pool.

I'll need one for Balki. Why?

Isn't winning the last five weeks in a row enough for him?

Yeah, hello, Tom? Yeah, this is Larry.

Yeah, are you still betting with a bookie?

Well, could I have his name?

The Mole?

Is that a family name?

Well, could you give me his number?

I've got a sure thing.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay, cousin, I got it now.

Listen to this.

I just flew in from LA,

and, boy, am I tired.

No, no, no, no. It's missing something.

Balki, what? What happened to you?

Oh. Cousin.

This just isn't my day.

I was, I was in the press room

telling the guys how that I won the football pool again,

and they were just slapping me on the back

and slapping me on the front.

I guess they forgot they had ink all on their hands.

Well, what's all this, uh, yellow and green stuff?

I was in the cafeteria telling Millie, the waitress,

about how that I won the football pool again,

and she accidentally dropped the omelet into my lap.

Hot out of the microwave.

Balki? Uh, Balki, here's your entry

for the football pool.

I can't, cousin.

Okay, here, use mine.

Well, Balki, are you gonna suck all the fun

out of this week's football pool?

Oh, no, I was just about to make my picks.

Oh, may I borrow your pencil?

Sure.

(BREAKING)

Sorry.

Wait a minute, cousin.

Everything is becoming crystal light.

Every time the subject of the football pool comes up,

somebody has an accident,

and it's always me.

I think those two things are connected.

No, they're not.

Hey, what do you think of the Bears this week?

Cousin, listen to me. I think everyone is angry

with me for winning the football pool

and maybe I won't play this week.

No, don't. You can't quit now.

Why not?

to play the football pool.

A commitment to who?

To who?

To everyone in the pool.

To the game itself.

Why don't you just burn the flag

while the law is still vague?

Cousin, I don't want to burn the flag.

I just don't want to play the football pool anymore.

I don't want people to be angry with me.

Well, if you think they're angry now,

just wait till you tell them you're quitting.

Well, cousin, what if I explain to them that

if I quit, they'll have a better chance of winning?

Well, Balki, no, they, they don't just want to win.

They want to beat you.

Beat me?

With a stick?

Cousin, it's just a game. Don't let them beat me.

No, no, no... They don't wanna beat you with a stick.

They want to beat you in the pool.

I tried to tell you, it was complicated

but you insisted on playing. I'm afraid you're stuck.

So, why don't you just, uh, make your, make your picks?

Cousin, I'll make my picks later.

Right now, I got to...

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Balki, what's wrong?

Well, for the past five weeks,

I've been playing the football pool at work.

Yeah?

Oh, that would get anybody down.

Yeah.

Everybody is angry with me for winning

and I wish I didn't have to play anymore.

Oh, why don't you just quit?

But I want to do, but Cousin Larry said that,

that would only make people angrier

because they don't just want to win,

they want to beat me.

Well, why don't you just let them?

Well, how I do that?

Well, just pick all the losers.

That way you'd still be playing, but somebody else could win.

Thanks, Balki. You inspire me.

You know, uh...

I'm perspiring a little myself.

Hi, Balki, did you fill out your football pool?

Hi, Larry.

Uh, we were just about to go to the movies.

Oh, terrific! Why don't you fill out your football pool

before you go? I'll take it to over to Mr. Gorpley.

Alright. Here it goes.

Oh.

(MARY ANNE GIGGLING)

Finished? Good. Okay.

Well, you two have a nice evening.

Don't be out late now. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Hello. Is this The Mole?

Yes, I... this is Larry Appleton.

Tom told me I should call.

Yes, I want to bet ten football games.

$1,000 a game.

That's right. 10,000 big ones.

(ON TV) And the Chiefs beat the Jets, 45-3.

(BOTH CHEERING)

I did it! I did it. I lost every game!

I'm so proud of you. Oh.

Thank you, Mary Anne, it will be so nice to go to work tomorrow

and not have people throw food at me.

Why wasn't Larry here to watch the games?

Oh, he went to the sports grill.

They have ten television sets there

so you can watch all the games at one time.

I bet he's having the time of his life.

Cousin, are you all right?

Mary Anne, could I talk to Balki alone?

I don't see why not.

Oh, now.

I gotta go anyway. Bye, Balki.

Balki, do you realize

you didn't pick one single winning team?

I know, isn't it wonderful?

How did you know? I copied your picks.

Cousin, I'm surprised at you.

You know cheaters never win.

I know now.

How could you lose every game?

Well, you know, cousin, in a way...

it was your idea.

See, you said that...

You said that people would be happy if they beat me,

so I decided to pick all the losers

and make everybody happy.

Not everybody.

Balki,

I used your picks

and bet $10,000 with a bookie.

A bookie. A bookie...

and now I owe this guy $10,000.

Oh, boy, boy.

Jimmy the Geek.

When you bet on the sheep races and you don't pay up,

in front of your parents.

It's ugly, very ugly.

Well, Balki, this is America.

Things are a little different here.

When bookies aren't paid,

they have been known to break legs.

Cousin, we can't let them do that.

I'm going to call the police!

You can't call the police.

Cousin, we have to.

What they're going to do is illegal.

So is betting with a bookie.

Cousin, how could you do something

you know was illegal?

(STAMMERING) But, what am I gonna do?

Balki, he knows my name.

He knows where I live.

He knows where I keep my knees.

Oh, cousin.

What are you going to do?

Well, there's only one thing I can do.

I'll bet another $10,000

on tomorrow night's game.

Cousin, I don't know much about the game,

but if they'll break your legs for $10,000...

For $20,000, they might break

something you really need.

Well, that's not gonna happen

because after you pick tomorrow night's winner,

I'll be even. All right, let's see, who's playing?

Now, wait just a minute. Not so fast.

What? What is it? Cousin, the only way

I'm going to go along with this

is if you promise to never,

and I mean, never, ever, ever

bet on a football game again.

Balki, I promise never,

and I mean, never, ever, ever, ever

to bet on a football game again.

And promise you'll take me to Disney World.

And I promise, I'll take you to... Balki.

Sorry, it was worth a shot.

Okay, I'll help you.

All right, all right.

Now, do whatever you need to do

to get your sheepherder's intuition to kick in.

Oh, I just need to relax.

You need to relax? Yeah.

Here, put your feet up.

Here. Pillow? Pillow?

All right.

Anything else?

Could you dim the lights?

All right.

Alright, here we go.

Ready?

All right.

Browns, Packers

Browns or Packers, Browns or Packers?

What are my choices again?

The Browns or the Packers!

The Browns or the Packers!

I don't know, cousin, I can't do it under this much pressure.

All right, all right. Relax, relax, relax.

Relax, relax.

There's no pressure.

There's no pressure.

It's just my life!

The Browns or the Packers?

The Browns? Yes.

Right, come on.

MAN ON TV: They still have a shot of winning this game.

The Packers have the ball throw on 25.

Salos back to pass.

Chased out of the pocket.

Going long intercepted by the Browns!

Yes! Yes!

is to run out 30 seconds on the clock.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh.

Balki, thank you.

I owe you my legs

and anything else that might have been broken.

Boy, after that yelling, I could use a soda.

You want one? Sure. Love one.

MAN ON TV: There's the snap. He hands off to Taylor.

Taylor fumbles!

He's at the 30. He's at the 40.

It's a foot race.

He's at the 50. He's at the 50.

He's at the 40.

Hurt him!

He may go all the way.

Get him!

Tackle him!

Kill him!

No. He's down to the five.

No. He's down. Down on the...

one-yard line. Yes!

(ON TV) What a turn this game has taken.

Is that a good thing? No.

It's a bad thing, a very bad thing.

Balki, I'm leaving the country.

Packers have time for one last play.

Oh, no. There's the snap.

Kenny Salo's back to pass.

Get him. Get him! Ow. Ow.

He scrambles right.

(GRUNTS)

Go for his knees!

Oh, God.

He scrambles left. Get him!

(YELPING)

Get him!

Throw a cheerleader at him!

Oh! He's hit hard.

Whoever comes up with the ball is going to be the winner.

They're peeling off the players.

The Browns have the ball!

'The Browns win! The Browns win it.

Yes! Yes! Balki!

Balki! Balki?

Balki, Balki, I won. I won!

I'm even. I get to keep my knees.

Oh, cousin!

Now we are so happy,

we do the dance of joy.

(HUMMING)

* Di di di di

* Di di di di di di *

(BOTH) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Balki.

(SIGHS)

I have learned my lesson.

I will never bet a football game again.

Well, cousin, that's good.

Sports are for fun.

They shouldn't be life-threatening.

You are absolutely right.

Thanks for coming to my rescue.

Hey, you're welcome.

(ON TV) And next week, I'll be flying to Atlanta.

Boy, will my arms be tired.

That's it. Atlanta.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)