Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going to stop me now *

(BALKI SINGING) * Lemon tree very pretty

* And the lemon flower is sweet

* But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat *

Phew! What a day.

Ooh. Wow.

Well, as I was about to say...

T-G-I-F.

You know what that means? Well, of course I do.

Don't be ridiculous. TGIF.

Two Goats In Fresno.

Thank God It's Friday. You can say that again.

Hi, guys!

Thank God it's Friday.

Ooh!

Oh, well. Well then, then, in that case Miss Lydia, uh...

All I can say is H-A-Y-M.

Here's all your mail!

Where do I come up with them?

I don't know.

These people just never give up!

They're still trying to get me to do my own television show.

You've been offered your own TV show?

That's Incredible! BALKI: No, cousin.

Channel 8 wants me to do a pilot for a TV version

of my advice column, but, I turned them down.

You turned them down? LARRY: Why?

Well, I have one tiny little fear.

It doesn't have anything to do with wool chiggers, does it?

I just see them little babies and I just...

I just get the hobie jobies.

Uh, no. No.

I am terrified of television ca... meras.

When I was six years old, my mother forced me

to appear on a TV show with Miss Terry's Tapping Tulips.

I was fine until they rolled out the...

cameras.

moving closer and closer.

An unfeeling, unblinking eye staring

deeper and deeper into my brain!

Hey, hey! It's okay, it's okay! It's okay.

Okay? Okay. It's okay.

Sorry. It's okay.

Anyway, my knees locked,

my face froze,

and Herbie, the Clown, had to carry

my teeny weeny little body

from the stage.

It's true.

You met Herbie the Clown?

Lydia, you can't pass up the opportunity

to have your very own TV show because of something

that happened a long, long, long time ago.

It wasn't that long ago, Larry.

BALKI: Cameras.

I can't even face the security monitor

at the bank. I always have to use

the drive-up teller.

They do? Well... well, yeah.

They put them way up high but they can zoom...

(SHRIEKING)

It's okay. Okay.

I am gonna call Channel 8

and tell them to stop bothering me and then...

I'm gonna learn how to bank by mail.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait...

Your own TV show?

Fame? Fortune? Picture it, Lydia.

You start with a local television show.

It catches on in Chicago like wildfire.

Everyone wants to talk to you.

to discuss your upcoming interview.

Barbara Walters?

and gives you the best table.

Is John Davidson there?

Maybe. Oh!

Across the room,

the rest of the 20-20 news team,

they smile, wave you over.

Because she's sitting next to John Davidson!

Because you didn't pass up the opportunity

to have your very own television show.

I am gonna call the station now

and tell them they've got themselves a deal.

* Da da da-da-da da-da-da da da *

I am going to make that woman a star.

I got that part,

when is this dinner with John Davidson?

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Balki, Larry, I can't do it!

I can't do it. Don't make me do it.

Please, please, don't make me do it!

Are you on your way to a party?

Lydia, it's 3:00 a.m., is something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong.

Oh, well come on, Miss Lydia.

You come sit down and tell us all about it.

You tell your Uncle Balki and your Uncle Cousin.

I have been up all night worrying.

I want to do the show tomorrow night but I can't.

I just can't face the cameras, Larry.

Well, then, don't do it. Good night, Miss Lydia.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait...

This is just a case of nerves.

You'll get over it.

I don't think so. I know me.

Once I see the cameras my mind will go blank.

And when the audience asks me questions

I won't be able to think of anything to say.

I'll be humiliated.

Cousin, you know, she... she has a point.

Not everyone should have their own television show.

Look at McLean Stevenson.

Miss Lydia, if people want your advice,

they just have to read your column.

Balki, that's it! That's a great idea.

Well, it's not like coming up with the cordless shaver.

I simply stated the obvious.

And stated it beautifully. Oh, I don't know.

Beautifully! Well, really?

Yes, you did. No, I...

Balki and I can memorize questions

from your old columns and ask them from the audience.

That way you won't have to think of the answers,

you'll already know them.

And that'll give you the confidence to forget

about the cameras and get through the rest

of the show on your own.

No, I didn't say that.

I... I was saying

don't do the TV show,

do do the column.

In other words,

and a do do on the column.

Okay, it wasn't your idea. It was mine.

What do you think of my plan, Lydia?

I think it's wonderful.

You know, I don't think I say his often enough, Larry,

but you are brilliant.

I don't think you've ever said that.

I feel calmer and more relaxed already.

Thanks so much for dropping by.

Uh, Lydia...

we live here.

This couldn't be my place.

Not with that couch. Good night, boys.

Cousin,

what's wrong with our couch?

The salesman said

it had my name on it.

I never did find it.

It's hidden in the pattern.

Cousin, now,

Miss Lydia keeps saying that she don't want to do

the TV show and you keep changing her mind.

Why you do that?

Balki, I can't let her miss this opportunity.

I am not going to let her end up regretting

what would have been, could have been,

should have been, while that Bunky McDermott

is out there living a life that should have been mine!

We're talking about you now, aren't we?

Yes. Yes.

And do you know why?

(MOUTHING) Why? Why?

Because of this!

Your pants?

No. No. Not the pants. This.

I have been carrying this since 1985.

"Young Man on the Move."

But not just any young man on the move.

"Bunky McDermott, young man on the move."

Question. Yes?

Who is Bunky McDermott?

And why do we care how he moves?

Bunky McDermott was the president

of my high school chess club.

But I declined because I was afraid of the responsibility.

So Bunky took over.

he met the beautiful Bryn Bramwell.

He married her.

Today, he is one of the wealthiest men

in the country.

are basking in the bosom of Bramwell's big bucks?

Basically.

But if I had Bunky's bravado,

I'd be basking with Bryn in the bosom

of those big Bramwell bucks, buddy!

Boy.

Now do you see why Lydia has to do this?

Cousin, I don't see why she has to do a TV show

let alone play chess.

She doesn't have to play chess.

Well, at least you're letting that go.

Oh, why me? It's progress.

Why me? That's progress.

Balki, Lydia wants to do a TV show!

Oh, is that so?

she gets so upset?

Jitters! (GASPING)

Where? Where?

I hate those little bugs!

Balki! Balki! Balki. Balki.

Not chiggers.

No? No.

Jitters.

(BALKI SIGHS)

She'll get over it!

Well, even if she do get over it,

I don't think she want to do it.

I think you're just making her do it

because of this Bunky in your pants.

I am doing this because I don't want her

to make the same mistake I did.

Well, be that as that may be,

I'm going down to that studio with her

and the first time I hear her say,

I'm taking her home.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

I still don't understand.

Mary Anne, this is a pilot for a television show.

Now that means if this goes well,

then the real show will be live.

and the demographics are good they'll give it a short order

with a series of options and Lydia could find herself

in the middle of a very handsome syndication package.

I was once in an elevator with Ted Turner.

I'm gonna go make sure Lydia is okay before the show.

I'm going to go make sure Lydia is okay

after she talks to Cousin Larry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Lydia?

You look great.

How's everything going? LYDIA: Fine.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

She sounds a little too fine, cousin.

Don't be silly, she's loving every minute of it.

Uh, we're ready when you are, Miss Markham.

Am I ready, Larry? Yes, you are.

We'd better take our seats.

(LYDIA CHOKING)

Lydia?

MAN 1: Tape is rolling.

MAN ON PA: Live from our studios

in the Pfister Building in downtown Chicago.

It's time for your favorite advice columnist,

the lady who's never at a loss for words,

here is Lydia!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lydia Markham

and welcome to Lydia Live.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I'm gonna start off today's show by saying...

By saying...

Get away from me!

Go on! Get away! Get...

(SHRIEKING)

Wow, she does her own stunts.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Miss Markham? Are you okay?

Am I okay? I'm breathing in a bag!

She's fine. She's fine.

Okay. Uh, we'll start as soon as you're ready.

Come on, Miss Lydia, I packed all your things.

We're going home now.

Come on. Whoa! Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait...

Nobody's going anywhere.

Cousin, you said that if Miss Lydia

didn't want to do the show, we could take her home.

I promised if she said,

"I don't want to do the show, Larry,"

then I'd take her home.

I don't want to do the show, Larry!

She didn't mean it. She is fine.

Cousin, how can you say she's fine? Look at her.

Her eyes are bloodshot,

her face is losing color and she's retaining water.

It's just a minor case of stage fright.

She can get through it.

No, she can't, and she don't have to!

No, she don't. Yes, she does.

No, she don't. Yes, she does.

No, she don't. Okay, she don't.

She don't? No, she don't.

She shouldn't have to do it if she doesn't want to do it.

Come on, Lydia, why don't you sit down

over here while Balki and I go get the car?

Come on, Balki. No, cousin, I...

Let's go get the car.

Well, but, cousin,

the parking lot is over that way.

Yes, but I know a secret shortcut.

I like secrets.

I know you do.

Come on, it's over here. I...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Larry, are you all right?

Oh, everything's fine.

Where's Balki?

He's backstage, resting.

Larry, are you sure Lydia can go on?

Oh, are you kidding?

She begged me to let her try again.

MAN 1: Standby.

MAN 2 ON PA: Here is Lydia!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

My name is Lydia Markham and welcome to Lydia Live.

For many years, I have been an...

nationally syndicated communist.

She's going down, Larry.

(LAUGHING) So, where is Balki?

He told me I didn't have to do this.

Balki, are you out there? It's time to take me home!

(LYDIA LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(BOTH SCREAMS)

Oh, Balki, thank you.

Thank you, thank you!

Balki, what are you doing?

Lydia was doing great.

She was just starting to warm up.

What do you say, Lydia? One more try?

Drop dead, Larry.

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm still getting her answering machine.

All it says is "This is Lydia Markham. I'm not here right now.

"I'm on a remote island where there are no ca... meras."

Do you think she'll ever forgive me?

Well, I forgave you for taping me up like King Toot.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, Lydia. Lydia, I am so very sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

you didn't want to do.

Larry, dear, please, relax.

I forgive you. I'm over it, really.

You are?

Let's just put this behind us.

It was a bad experience, but...

I'm stronger because of it.

(SHRIEKING)

I think I'll take the stairs.

I need the exercise.

Balki,

how could I have gotten so carried away?

Well, cousin, you do get plenty of practice at it.

But I really meant well.

I only wanted to spare her the pain

of a missed opportunity and a life of regret.

Uh-oh.

Bunky McDermott

became president of my high school chess club

and one of the wealthiest men in the country.

He took an opportunity that should have been mine,

and he is living a life that I should be living.

Now, wait a minute.

Aren't you doing a job you've always wanted to do?

Yes. And aren't you dating the girl of your dreams?

Oh, yes.

you look like Larry Appleton, young man on the move.

I am doing pretty well, aren't I?

Cousin, I think it's time you said bye-bye to Boinki.

Come on, get him out here.

All right. You are right.

Bunky McDermott,

I wish you the best of luck in your life,

but it's time to get out of mine.

(CHUCKLING)

Balki, I feel released.

Free.

Do you feel poor?

No, why?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)