Original subtitles

I'm just a little tense about my dad's visit.

Now, I want this visit to be perfect.

This is my chance to show dad I've made it on my own.

And when he sees the life I've made for myself

he'll be so proud of me, he'll say, "Well done, son."

It wasn't Mickey Mantle, it was Roger Maris.

It was Mickey Mantle and I can prove it.

I have the bat right here in the closet.

The bat's in the basement.

It won't turn, Dad.

Well, no wonder. It's rusted.

And how do we get rid of rust, son?

We knock it off with a hammer.

(CLANKS)

Balki, Larry, are you... Oh.

What in the world?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, hey, hey!

You just locked us all in.

LYDIA: Wait a minute.

This place is gonna fill up with water.

I don't wanna drown! Nobody's gonna drown.

When the water reaches this fuse box

we'll all be electrocuted.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

ALL: (SHOUTING) Help!

Again.

ALL: (SHOUTING) Help!

Cousin, cousin.

We've been screaming for an hour, and if we keep it up

we're going to do some permanent damage to our vocal cords.

There must be something we can do!

I don't wanna be electrocuted!

I don't wanna die!

If we stay calm and keep our wits about us,

I'm sure we can think of a way to keep ourselves from dying.

(GASPS)

I got nothing.

I've got an idea.

Normally that scares me,

you lower your expectations.

This ought to do it.

I've seen it and his lips move constantly.

(LARRY PANTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

BALKI: Cousin!

Appleton finally came up with something that worked.

I don't believe it. There.

One problem solved.

this time you really used your head.

That was a really good idea, Larry.

Well, I just spotted the problem

and used a little of the old Appleton know-how.

(RUMBLING)

Cousin? Cousin!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Balki.

Now, do you see why bailing won't work?

Yes, cousin, you're right,

but I appreciate your letting me take the shot.

(GURGLING)

Well, somebody better do something.

We're four inches from being deep-fried.

Actually, it's three and a half inches.

Don't worry. I've got another plan to get us out of here.

You have another plan?

You call sticking a head in the pipe a plan?

It was a good plan.

Just poorly executed.

All right, now, listen to me, everyone.

This is no time to lose hope,

because, if we all put our heads together

I'm sure we can think of something.

You know what they say,

"United we stand

"and Delta is ready when you are."

All right, come on, everybody.

Hey, cousin,

maybe we could knock the door down with one of these beams.

Good idea, Balki.

All right, let's get this beam over to the stairs.

Okay, Balki, you take that end

and I'll get this end. Lawrence, you get the middle.

All right. All right, lift!

(GRUNTING)

LARRY: Okay, walk it on over!

Walk it over!

Be careful, Larry. I'm okay. I'm okay.

All right. All right, swing it on in.

Swing it on in. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good.

All right. All right. All right, set it down.

Set it down. Oh.

(LARRY SIGHS)

Oh, that was close, Appleton.

It almost touched your hands once.

(CHUCKLING)

All right. All right, everybody, get down here, out of the way.

What, are you crazy? These are alligator shoes.

Oh, well, good. Then they'll be right at home in the water.

What? Oh...

(BREATHING SHARPLY)

All right, let's lift it up.

(GRUNTING)

Mr. Gorpley, you could help us.

Oh, goody.

You're gonna pay for these shoes, Appleton.

All right, ready? On the count of three

we'll ram this baby into the door.

One... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What is it, Dad?

Dad, I think there are times when a "Ready, set, go,"

is called for,

Oh, brother. Lawrence,

how many basement doors have you knocked down?

Well... How many?

Guys, guys, guys.

but, but we're thinking "Ready, set, go?"

One, two,

three!

One, two, three!

(THUDS)

Any other ideas, Appleton?

All right, we just need a little more weight behind us.

Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia, give us a hand.

I don't know, son, I...

Trust me, Dad.

the door will give way, eventually.

But that could take all night, Dad. It stands to reason.

The more people, the more force, the quicker we'll open the door.

And it's my beam.

And a very handsome beam it is, too, cousin.

But, I think the point your father is trying to make

is that this landing may not be able to support

seven people and your beam.

So, prove me wrong.

LYDIA: Oh, no. I hope I don't break a nail.

All right, on the count of three. Ready?

One, two, three!

(THUDS)

Well, it didn't knock down the door.

Well, it didn't knock the landing down, either.

(CREAKING) (GASPING)

Oh, my God! Oh, no.

(SCREAMING) We're going down.

Well...

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, okay. So, we've had a little setback.

A little setback?

You mean, like the Titanic had a little setback?

Hey, at least I tried.

to get us out of here.

You're right, son.

Just wasn't a very good one.

I was only trying to help.

You wanna help? Go play in the deep end.

Shame on you.

Didn't you ever make a mistake?

It's getting deeper.

If we don't get out of here soon

Cousin, um,

(STAMMERS) the festive mood seems to be slipping away.

Everyone seems to be getting cranky.

That's because they're going to die, and it's all my fault.

They hate me, don't they?

I wanted this to be a weekend my father would never forget.

Now I've killed him.

Well, it will be a weekend

(STAMMERS) your mother will never forget.

And I'll die without ever making my father proud of me.

Cousin, you know,

maybe your father is proud of you

and you just don't know it.

Well, he's never said so.

Cousin, if you tell your father how you feel,

maybe you will be surprised at how he feels.

Well, I would, but...

Well, I'm gonna help you.

Uncle Walter. No, no...

Cousin Larry has something he want to tell you.

No, no... Cousin, cousin.

Just open your mouth

and let your heart do the talking.

What is it, son?

Dad, I...

Balki, could you...

Give us a minute?

Dad, we may not have much time left

but we need to talk, you and me.

You and I, Lawrence.

You and I.

Well, it's not so much you and I,

it's more you.

Well, it's you when you're relating to me.

To I. To me.

Lawrence, if you want a career in journalism

you've got to be more articulate.

(SIGHS)

Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.

When I was in sixth grade I got a 96 on a test.

You, you asked what happened to the other four points.

you tell me I should work in television.

When are you gonna be proud of me?

Lawrence, I've always been proud of you.

Well, all you do is criticize.

Just once I'd like to hear you say,

I know I criticize you a lot,

For heaven's sake, I'm always bragging about you.

I tell everyone what a... What a wonderful son I have.

But you never tell me.

I don't, do I?

I've always found it hard

to express my feelings

to those that I love the most.

And I love you, Lawrence.

I love you, too, Dad.

(GASPING)

Thank God! Balki.

Could you give us just another minute?

Huh? Please?

Except for the fact that we're going to die soon,

I've never been happier.

so let's try to find a way to get out of here.

(CHUCKLES)

(BUBBLING)

(GRUNTING)

Just kidding, cousin.

Cousins should joke more!

(BALKI LAUGHS)

Come on, we're gonna find a way out of here.

Cousin, you know, I wish MacGyver were here.

That man could take a Hershey bar,

a thumbtack and a rubber band

and make a bomb that would blow the socks off that door.

Well, MacGyver's got nothing on Lawrence.

Remember when you got that chemistry set

and you blew up the garage?

Yeah. I loved that chemistry set.

It was the best Christmas present I ever got.

I believe it was a birthday present.

No, Dad, I distinctly remember...

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Is that the chemistry set you won't let me play with?

Balki, it's dangerous. That's why we keep it in the basement.

The basement! The basement!

That chemistry set could be in the basement!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

LARRY: Sulfur.

Potash. Gesundheit.

Give me the potash.

Was it 75% fulminate of zinc

or potassium nitrate?

Who are we kidding? He can't even make instant coffee.

Listen, pal.

If my son can blow up an entire garage

he can certainly blow up a little door.

Thanks, Dad.

Come on, Larry you can do it.

I don't know. It's not coming back to me.

Well, if it were me, Larry, I'd go with 10% potash,

15% sulfur and 75% zinc.

We used to summer in Beirut.

All right.

I think we're ready.

Now I need something to use as a fuse.

Uh, how about your tie?

Mine won't work. It's wet.

We could use Mr. Gorpley's tie.

It's dry and it's making a nifty fashion statement.

(YELPS) Just give them the tie, Sam.

Okay, it's yours.

All right, now I need something to light it with.

Oh, wait.

Dad.

It's the lighter I gave you when I was ten.

And you were eleven.

All right, Balki, lift me up on your shoulders

so I can reach the doorknob.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, girls. Better get down.

This could be dangerous.

(GRUNTING)

JENNIFER: Be careful, Larry! LARRY: Let's go!

(GRUNTING)

JENNIFER: Hurry, Balki, hurry!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's gonna go!

(HISSES)

You burned a $50 tie for nothing?

I could have been buried in that tie.

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, come on!

Well done, son.

Now let's get out of here.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Gee, Dad, I wish you didn't have to leave so soon.

Well, I gotta be back by 7:00,

Oh! Oh, Dad...

Uh, your shoes are still wet. Oh.

But I stuffed them with paper

so they'll be okay until you get home.

Well, now, if you get your shoes wet

and you don't put shoe trees in them,

you can kiss 'em goodbye.

Lawrence, how many shoes have you dried?

Today? Fourteen.

Well, then I guess you know what you're doing.

Thanks, Dad.

Uncle Walter,

I made you a nice, big plate of moogli boozachmonk

to take back to Madison.

Oh! Well, what is it?

Pig bladder stuffed with cheese.

Can I tempt you?

Maybe later.

Balki, I can honestly say

that meeting you is an experience

I will never forget.

Ooh. Oh, I almost forgot.

or you'll be stopping a lot.

Ah. Thank you for the advice, son.

Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry.

Oh, well,

thank you.

Bye, Balki. Bye, Uncle Walter.

Bye, son.

Goodbye, Dad.

Balki,

I want to thank you for making me have

that talk with my dad.

Ah, cousin.

television or radio,

or indoor plumbing,

but you really know how to talk to each other.

There isn't that much else to do.

You know, it's like we always say on Mypos

"A few well-chosen words with a loved one

"are worth more than the picture

"that came with the frame

"even if that picture is Olivia Newton-John."

Words to live by.

I'll tell you what.

Hey, great idea.

What do you say we go get two towels,

go down to the basement and take a dip?

I'll call the girls.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)