Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

(SIGHS)

Dad, it's good to see you.

Oh, oh. Oh, put me down.

Uh, dad, uh, this is Balki.

And this is my apartment.

I did this all myself.

Oh, this?

This is my scrapbook.

Yeah, I keep all my newspaper articles in here.

This is Volume One.

Hmm? Oh. Oh, yeah, the trophies.

Yeah, well, they're really starting to

stack up, aren't they?

Oh, this one? Yeah, this is my pride and joy.

I won this playing softball.

I took a ragtag team of rank amateurs

all the way to the Park District Softball Championship.

Cousin?

I hate to interrupt your talk with your... Invisible friend,

but your... Your papa's going to be here any minute.

Yeah, I was just practicing, uh, what I'm gonna say to him.

Oh, what a great idea. I'll help you.

Yeah, what's in the bag?

Oh, cousin, I got

the biggest cheese wheel I could find.

You should have seen the cheese car I took it off of. (LAUGHS)

Well, that's great. Dad loves a good cheese wheel.

Cousin, you know what I thought I would do?

I thought I would take this cheese wheel

and... And cut it up into little geometric shapes.

You know, uh, circles, uh, rectangles.

Maybe a trapezoid or a rhombus.

Balki, cheese wheels are always cut in triangular wedges.

Well, I beg to take issue.

Balki, how many cheese wheels have you cut in your lifetime?

Well, eh, cousin-- How many? How many?

How many cheese wheels... How many cheese wheels

have you cut in your lifetime?

None. None? As in zero?

As in never ever have you cut a cheese wheel in your lifetime?

This would have been my first.

Well, I'm from Wisconsin, the cheese wheel state

and we always cut cheese wheels in triangular wedges.

Not circles, not rectangles, not trapezoids

and never, ever, ever

a rhombus.

Cousin?

Cousin,

this is very disturbing.

Usually geometric discussions have a calming effect on you.

I'm just a little tensed about my dad's visit.

I want this visit to be perfect.

This is my chance to show dad I've made it on my own.

When he sees the life I've made for myself

he'll be so proud of me, he'll say, "Well done, son."

When I was a kid, I used to live for a "Well done, son."

Except for the one time I asked dad how he wanted his steak.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, that must be dad.

Woo.

This is it.

Dad. Lawrence.

It is good to see you, son.

Good to see you too, dad.

Well, this is for you.

Don't cut it into triangular wedges.

It dries out.

Right you are, dad. Uh, dad, this is Balki.

Balki.

Uncle Walter.

Uncle Walter, I've been looking forward to... to seeing you

for a sheepdog's age.

And you're everything I thought you would be.

Only taller.

Well, uh, height runs in the family.

Usually.

Well, so, dad, uh, what do you think, uh, of my apartment?

Well...

Hope you didn't hire a decorator.

Oh, no, I didn't hire a decorator.

I did this all my... Myself.

Where do you want these snacks, Larry?

On the dining room table.

Good point, dad.

Excuse me, Lawrence.

of folding napkins.

or the Appleton tulip. Neither aren't easy...

Cousin, I bet your papa will say it

when he tastes your onion dip.

Say what?

Well done, son.

Oh, no, Balki, I'm sure he'll say it when I deserve it.

He doesn't just throw around well dones for... For the heck of it.

Well, you know, cousin, I... I've noticed

he is rather thrifty with his "well done, sons" and,

so generous with his "not that way, Lawrences."

He spots what I'm doing wrong

and shows me how to do it his way.

Exactly.

Come on. Let's go sit down.

You must be very proud of Larry, Mr. Appleton.

You know, The Chronicle doesn't pick just anybody

for its investigative reporting team.

Oh, I was very impressed with that.

You were? MR. APPLETON: Oh, you bet.

Of course, when it comes to reporting

television's the place to be.

Television, right. Thanks for the advice, dad.

Well, I try. After all, what's a father for?

You know, my father was for higher mutton prices.

I just remember all the fun I had with my father.

He used to take me everywhere.

Oh, I did the same thing with Lawrence.

and we drove down to Chicago?

How could I forget?

(CHUCKLES) We had such fun that day.

It wasn't Mickey Mantle. It was Roger Maris.

Oh, remember the time I took you to the circus in Milwaukee?

Oh, I love the circus.

Show me 50 clowns in a flaming Volkswagen

and I'm a happy Mypiot.

LARRY: No, dad.

It was Mickey Mantle.

(STAMMERS) And I can prove it.

I have the bat right here in the closet.

Uh...

Cousin, cousin, the bat's in the basement.

No, Balki, the bat's in the closet.

The bat's in the basement.

The bat's in the closet.

(RATTLING)

The bat's in the basement.

Lawrence, it doesn't matter who signed the bat.

Let's get ready for the party.

But it was Roger Maris.

Mickey Mantle.

Dad, uh, you taught me that being right is important

and I'm right about this.

All right, let's go down to the basement and find out.

just tell 'em we'll be right back.

Come on, Balki, you seem to be the only one

who knows where this bat is.

Lawrence, I remember it distinctly.

I had to tell you, "Have Roger Maris sign your bat."

Mickey Mantle. Roger Maris.

Mickey Mantle. Roger Maris.

Mickey Mantle. Roger Maris.

Tastes great. Less filling.

Tastes great. Less filling.

I just got caught up in the rhythm.

All right, here it is.

Roger Maris, right? No.

"Joey Dolan." Who's Joey Dolan?

Look, he... He autographed the ball too.

"Joey Dolan, bat boy."

You thought the bat boy was Roger Maris?

No, I thought the bat boy was Mickey Mantle.

It's an easy mistake, son.

Baseball never was your sport.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Cousin Larry knows an awful lot about baseball.

He taught me how to swing this old hickory stick

so I could just knock that horsehide right into the next county.

You show a lot of natural ability, Balki.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Walter.

But whoever taught you that stance

didn't know what he was doing.

I taught him that stance, and you taught it to me.

Here, you... You crouch like Stan Musial

squint like Ted Williams,

stride like Mickey Mantle.

Swing like Grandma Moses.

To prove it, I've got that trophy on my mantel.

Maris. Mantel.

Maris. Mantel. Will you stop it?

Uh, no offense, son, but with that swing

I'll bet even I could throw the ball by you.

If you feel lucky, dad, let's see what you can do.

You're on.

Oh, you know, cousin, I-- Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki.

BALKI: Yes. You can bat next.

I want to tell you something-- LARRY: Balki, Balki--

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Okay. Here it comes.

Nothing fancy. Just smoke.

BALKI: Cousin, let me just-- Balki.

One thing. LARRY: Later.

Let her rip, dad.

(CLANKING)

What did you wanna say, Balki?

Well, I wanted to say... Hmm...

But now, that seems rather obvious.

Oh, I don't think it's very serious.

Just a simple repair job.

Oh, God.

Well, we better go tell the janitor anyway.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(RATTLING)

Balki, open the door. Cousin, I would love to.

But there's one little difficulty.

The door is locked.

We can't get out.

Help. Help.

Help. Help.

Help.

It's no use. The door's solid.

No one can hear us.

Don't worry, Lawrence.

If we don't come back, Jennifer and Mary Anne

Well, you know, I think we can count on some water damage.

is turn off the valve. Presto, no more leak.

Oh, I'll do it, dad.

(GRUNTING)

It... It... It won't turn, dad.

Well, no wonder, it's rusted.

And how do we get rid of rust, son?

We knock it off with a hammer.

Right. I'll get one.

Uh, uh, cousin, cousin. Oh!

Uh, Uncle Walter. Yes.

Hitting it with a hammer?

That seems like a... A rather violent way

to deal with rust?

Tell me, Balki.

Uh... How many?

Well... How many?

How many leak... how many leaks

have you fixed in your lifetime?

Um...

None. None? As in zero?

As in never ever have you fixed a leak in your lifetime?

That is correct. Oh!

Let's listen to dad, Balki.

That's what worries me.

We're in good hands.

Dad uses tools like a surgeon.

(CLANKING)

Looks like the surgeon lost a patient.

And then, after Larry's father separated the crackers

by size, shape, and flavor,

he counted the toothpicks

separating the round ones from the flat ones.

Anyway, next he and Larry got

into some fight about a silly bat

and they went down to the basement to find it.

Where are they?

You've got two compulsives and an idiot down there.

For all we know, they could be tunneling to China.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I think I'll... I'll go downstairs

and see what's taking them so long.

Well, tell them not to hurry on my account.

Let's analyze the problem.

What is causing the flooding?

Balki.

My guess would be... Water.

Good, Balki, good.

All right. Let's think.

All basements have drains. Right.

But the water isn't running off.

Which means a stopped up drain.

Right.

You are listening to the master.

Shh. Shh. I'm listening.

Lawrence, you look over there.

Uh, Balki, you look around in there

and I'll look over here.

* I'm singin' in the rain

* Just singin' in the rain

* What a glorious feeling

* I'm happy again

Balki.

Balki.

Balki.

We can play later. But I... I--

Later.

After we find the drain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Get it off. Oh, my goodness.

Get it off. Does that hurt much?

Get it off!

Ow.

Well,

we know the drain's not over there.

Larry, what's taking so long? Don't let the door close.

MR. APPLETON: Uh, the door locks from the outside.

Let's get out of here.

Larry, what happened here?

Dad hit the valve with a hammer.

Only after Lawrence hit the pipe with a bat.

You were playing some kind of game?

Wow. I didn't know there was a pool down here.

This is a dangerous place for a fire extinguisher.

ALL: No!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Mary Anne, the fire extinguisher

was holding the door open.

Now we're locked in.

Well, gee, tell a person.

It's all right, when we don't come back,

Lydia and Mr. Gorpley will come down here and let us out.

In the meantime, let's get back to work.

I think I found it.

Is it, is it usually about a foot wide?

Yes. Does it have grating on top?

Yes. Yes.

Well, then, here it is.

Oh, there's my hibachi.

Why are you guys looking for a hibachi?

We're not. We're looking for the drain.

Well, you can forget it, Larry, the drain was sealed over

when Mr. Winslow spilled a load of cement down here.

Balki, Larry, are you... Oh, what in the world--

Keep the door open. Hold the door. Hold it.

Keep the door open. Hold it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(DOOR CLOSES)

If you've got something to say to me, say it one at a time.

You just locked us all in.

Okay. How could you do this?

(ALL SHOUTING)

Calm down. Calm down. What's done is done.

Oh, I don't know if anyone's noticed

Larry, there isn't a chance we could drown, is there?

Nobody's going to drown.

When our other guests are wondering where we are

they'll come down and let us out.

That would be true, Appleton, if any other guests had arrived.

You... Yu invite people for 7:00

Wait a minute.

I don't wanna drown.

Now, hold it. Hold it.

Lawrence is right.

Nobody's gonna drown. LARRY: Thanks, dad.

By the time the water reaches this fuse box,

we'll all be electrocuted.