Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Get a feeling like you need

* Some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life

* And my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

This is very exciting.

An article by Larry Appleton

on the front page of the Chronicle.

Well, actually, it's by Marshall and Walpole

but they'll mention that I worked on it.

Well, here it is.

Nifty title, Larry.

Well, actually, Marshall thought of the title.

But I put in the punctuation.

Cousin, question. When they launder money...

do they have to wash the tens and the twenties separately?

No, Balki, money laundering is taking money

that's been made illegally and funneling it

through a legitimate business so that it's not traceable

to the illegal source.

Oh, I get it. I...

So is static cling a problem?

Not if they use a fabric softener.

Larry, I don't see your name here.

Well, it wouldn't be on the front page.

But at the end of the article

who contributed to the story.

Oh, cousin! Cousin! Cousin, I see something!

I see something! (GASPING)

-Italics. -No, it's English.

"The Chronicle's investigative reporting team

"of Marshall and Walpole

"has won two Pulitzer prizes."

That's it?

No "Research by Larry Appleton?"

No "We would have been lost without Larry Appleton"?

Cousin, slow down. What was that last one?

Oh, forget it!

They didn't mention me at all.

Oh, cousin.

Don't be too bummed out.

Your time will come. You just have to be patient.

JENNIFER: Balki is right.

Larry, I've been a flight attendant

for the last five years.

Then yesterday, they made me head of my own flight crew.

Congratulations.

Well, that's wonderful.

Well, I was waiting for the right time.

I worked just as hard as you have

and I'm only head of beverage service,

Um, maybe we'd better go.

Uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Larry.

-Bye. -Bye.

I was going to tell you.

When? At 30,000 feet

Can you believe that?

No, I can't.

That second-hand smoke can be pretty nauseating.

do a five-page story

and they don't give me any credit.

Now, listen, cousin.

know how hard you worked on that article.

And you can bet they are going to give you credit.

They're going to give you so much credit

you won't have to carry cash for a year!

Well, I'd be happy with a few pats on the back

for a job well done.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, Balki,

And I've heard a lot of compliments

for Marshall and Walpole

but I'm still waiting for my first pat on the back.

Well, uh, cousin, you know, remember?

Sorry, my second pat on the back.

Balki, I'm gonna to take these books

back to the archives

and then we can get out of here.

Excuse me.

Uh, I'm looking for Marshall and Walpole.

Oh, they're not here.

They went to the TV station

to be on Nightline with Ted Koppel

live from Chicago via cellulite.

But I have to talk to somebody.

It's about that money laundering article.

He's one of the Chronicle's top reporters

and not many people know this.

In fact, nobody seems to know it

but, if it wasn't for Cousin Larry

that article would never have been written.

Come on, Balki, let's hit the road.

Cousin. Cousin. Cousin, this nice man

wants to talk to you

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Another Pulitzer prize for Marshall and Walpole.

-Thanks for dropping by. -Cousin?

Well, uh, you may think it's wonderfully written

but I don't.

I've never seen an article

How about that!

Cousin, people are starting to notice!

Well, maybe you should get your eyes examined

because I personally checked

and double-checked every fact myself.

Is he good or what?

Well, then, you should have triple-checked them

because that article was filled with half-truths

fabrications and downright misrepresentations.

Wow, cousin.

Sounds like you've got yourself a fan.

Alright, now. Wait a minute.

I broke my back on that article.

I worked nights, weekends

I haven't had lunch for a month!

-I don't believe this! -I don't either!

I spend all day waiting for any kind of acknowledgment

and my first pat on the back is a slap in the face.

Um, second pat on the back...

Thank you, so very, very much.

Now, get out of here before I throw you out.

Well, I'm not leaving until I get satisfaction.

Oh, fine. You stay. We're leaving.

Well, uh, actually, nobody is going anywhere.

Oh, really?

And how are you going to stop us?

With this.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my Lord.

You know, actually I didn't really have

that much to do with the article.

was done by people much higher up than I am.

I just handled the spelling.

Don't you listen to him.

Cousin Larry's just being modest.

The truth of the matter is

if it hadn't have been for Cousin Larry

that article would never have been printed.

Could you tape his mouth?

That's not too tight, is it?

But you know, next time you might want to think about

using a sheep shank knot.

It allows some freedom of movement

with a minimum of chafing.

I can do a sheep shank.

Get out of the city!

You know a sheep shank knot?

He's not going for a merit badge.

He's threatening to blow us up.

Well, how would he do that?

-Twenty four. -24 sticks of dynamite,

They're not purely decorative?

No, they're not purely decorative.

Well, then,

uh, that would constitute a bomb.

Yes. Yes, it would.

This man could blow us up.

We should never have let him

tie us to this chair.

Who are you? Why are you doing this?

-Who am I? -And why are you doing this?

And why am I doing this? (SCOFFS)

Some fine reporter you are.

You don't even know who Marvin Berman is?

that's the story of my life.

takes all the credit.

I need to be recognized. I need to be acknowledged!

I need my own place in the sun!

Sounds like you need a Club Med vacation.

You're foreign, aren't you?

Bartokomous, play "Cowboys and Indians" on your own time.

And you? You don't even work here. Take a hike.

Gorpley, don't antagonize him.

He's got a bomb.

A bomb?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Right.

A bomb. (CHUCKLING)

(GASPS) A bomb.

Oh, my God. He's got a bomb.

Please, please, you've got to let me go.

I've got four kids and a pregnant wife at home.

Mr. Gorpley!

This must have been some whirlpool romance!

Just this morning you were single.

Shouldn't you tape his mouth?

Okay, okay. How about this?

I've got my whole life ahead of me.

-I've already got hostages. -Oh.

But you...

Oh, I can do that.

and if I don't get what I want

I'm blowing this building to kingdom come.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Alright, listen, lieutenant, the next time this phone rings

it better be the publisher.

or I am blowing this building up

and I am setting the timer, now.

Oh, hey! Uh, Marvin. Marvin, question here.

What is it?

(STAMMERING) Just out of...

Just out of idle curiosity,

(STAMMERING) what is it that you want?

(SIGHS) Well, alright.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Marvin.

Before you get bogged down in the details

aren't you forgetting something?

No, I don't think so.

Yes. You were about to set your timer.

(SIGHS)

Thanks. Where is my head?

(DIGITAL BEEPS)

Why did you tell him to set the timer?

Because if he doesn't set the timer...

(GASPING)

Bad move, huh?

Marvin, why are you doing this

over a silly article?

Because it gave all the credit

to that idiot boss of mine.

When the real mastermind

behind the money laundering scheme

was me.

-You? -Yes.

I set up the fake bank accounts.

I picked out the office furniture.

Why haven't I ever heard of you?

I've been roommates for three years...

Not you! Not you!

Him! Why haven't I ever heard of him?

Well, how should I know?

Marvin, could you enlighten us?

Because I'm just the accountant.

And no one pays any attention to the accountant

but they will now.

I'm gonna make the Chronicle print a retraction.

A retraction? A retraction!

Good idea. Now that's constructive!

But what kind of retraction?

Marvin! Marvin! Marvin!

You should know exactly what you want

before the publisher calls because

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) we don't have a lot of

time here.

You know, you're absolutely right!

I didn't think this far ahead.

Well, I've been kind of busy.

I had to go all the way to Skokie to get the timer.

to Sal's Hardware on Lincoln Avenue.

They got everything.

You know what they say

Marvin, listen.

You should write down your demands.

Why don't you just take a few moments,

you know, private moments for yourself

away from all this hustle and this bustle.

You know, there's a private office back there.

That's a good idea.

Alright, um, I'll be right back.

Come on, Balki. Let's get out of here.

Head for the loading dock.

Hey, guys.

Can I run this by you?

What do you think I should call myself?

Criminal mastermind or diabolical genius?

Diabolical genius.

I don't know. It's a little too Batman.

Marvin, listen.

You know, I think this whole bomb thing

is the wrong way to go.

I mean, even if they print a retraction

I don't see how you can avoid going to jail.

Well, he could turn state's evidence.

-State's evidence? -Yes!

That way you could tell your side of the story

get the recognition you so richly deserve

participate in the federal witness protection program

and avoid a lengthy prison term.

Balki, where did you learn about state's evidence?

On the all new Columbo.

Marvin,

Balki is right. If you turn yourself in

testify against your boss

-Me? -LARRY: Yes.

-A hero? -Absolutely.

People magazine?

And talk shows. Maybe even a book.

I'd help you write it!

The sooner you untie us

I'll do it!

Oh, and, you know, Marvin,

uh, you also might want to

turn off your bomb.

You know, I never really meant it to go this far anyway.

(DIGITAL BEEPS)

I hate these digital clocks.

(DIGITAL BEEPING)

Guys. Guys, it won't turn off.

Oh.

(DIGITAL BEEPING)

Well, you should have gone to Sal's.

I'm not going to say it again.

Marvin! Do something!

Don't rush me!

I'm not good under pressure.

So, I just have to pull the red wire.

Or is it the white one?

I don't know!

Oh, guys.

Guys, I'm no good in the field.

Whoa!

Oh, I feel kind of sick.

-No! No! No! No! -I am! I am!

Marvin? Marvin? You all right? Okay?

Okay. Okay.

Whoa, I'm okay.

Oh, my God!

He's out cold.

Balki, we've only got a minute!

Let's get out of here!

Balki!

Cousin, I can't leave him like this.

I've got to try to turn off the bomb. Go ahead without me.

(SIGHS WEARILY) I hate when you do this.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Red wire, white wire, uh, red light at night

sailor's delight.

A green wire!

Marvin! Marvin!

What about the green wire, Marvin?

Tell us about the green wire!

Cousin. Cousin! Cousin!

I'm going to try the red one.

No, Balki, don't. What if we make a mistake?

Well, Cousin, we've got five seconds left!

What's the worst that could happen?

(RAPID DIGITAL BEEPING)

Do it!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You did it! We're alive! We're alive!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

"Police took Marvin Berman

"to Chicago General

"where he is being held

"for psychiatric observation."

Oh, Larry, your first front page story.

Oh, Balki,

your first bomb defusing.

I'm so proud of you.

Well, uh, we'd better get going.

I have to be in at work by 7:00.

I thought we didn't have to be at work until 10:00.

Well, the head of the flight crew

has to get in early.

Oh, throw it in my face, why don't you?

What is your problem, you acted the same way

when I was elected class treasurer?

You were elected class treasurer?

Another thing you never told me!

Mary Anne, you were my campaign manager.

Oh, right!

Cousin, look at this.

Here's another article about Marvin.

Really?

"Marvin Berman, self-confessed criminal mastermind..."

Oh, I'm glad he went with criminal mastermind.

"has opted to do a book telling his side of the story

"with Pulitzer prize winning journalists

"Marshall and Walpole."

Are those guys on a roll or what?

I don't believe it. That book was my idea.

When am I gonna get a break?

Cousin, wait a minute. Are you listening to yourself?

Well, so did Marvin Berman.

And look what happened to him.

Cousin, yesterday all you wanted

was your name in little tiny letters

at the end of a very long article.

And today you got your name in big black letters

on the front page

and you're still not happy.

If you ask me, you can't see

DeForest Kelley for the trees.

I guess things are going pretty well, aren't they?

Well, isn't that the undergarment of the year?

Balki, don't you wanna read my article?

Why cousin? You already read it to us.

And very well, I might add.

Well, you might at least, uh, take a look at the very end.

"Balki Bartokomous contributed to this article."

My name in the paper.

Wait until mama sees this.

Thank you, cousin.

You're welcome.

Listen, cousin, maybe someday

the team of Bartokomous and Appleton

will win a Pulitzer prize.

-Appleton and Bartokomous. -You're absolutely right. Yeah.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)