Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

* You can slop and you can stroll it at the hop

* When the record starts spinnin'

* You Chalypso when you chicken at the hop

* Hop hop hop

* Do the dance sensation that is sweepin' the nation

* At the hop Hop hop hop *

Nice hair. Nice hair.

Hi, guys! A '50s party is a great idea.

Hi! Hi, Mary Anne.

Hi!

I'm sorry we're late.

Well, uh, Mary Anne, I could be wrong

but that outfit doesn't look

like something from the '50s.

Oh, from the '50s.

I thought we were supposed to dress

like we were in our fifties.

I spent about 20 minutes on it and just gave up.

Well, come on in. Come on.

Is it okay? Yes. No, it's beautiful.

Hi!

Oh, hi!

Hi. Lydia!

Uh, this is my friend, Lamont Cassidy.

Oh, hi. How are you?

Lamont is a hypnotherapist.

Oh, really? Then I need to talk to you.

Because I got some problems with my hip.

I just don't know what it is.

Balki, Balki. Balki. You know the hip girdle,

it's at a funny angle. No, no, no.

A hypnotherapist.

What that is?

Well, that's someone who uses hypnosis

to put people to sleep

and make them act like dogs and other barnyard animals.

Actually, I use hypnosis

to break people of certain behavioral patterns

like smoking, overeating, rudeness.

Lamont has successfully cured migraines

back problems and a myriad of sexual dysfunctions.

And that was just for Lydia.

Uh, uh, Mr. Cassidy, could you show me

how that you make people go to sleep

and then, and then, eh, act like animals

because I haven't seen a really good mongoose impression

since I left Mypos.

Oh, come on, Lamont.

You can hypnotize me.

You know how easy I am.

To hypnotize. Hypnotize.

Oh, okay, sure. Oh, boy!

Mr. Cassidy is going to hypnotize Lydia!

Okay, honey.

Here we go.

Now, Lydia, concentrate on the watch.

Your eyes are tired.

They're getting heavy.

You can hardly keep...

Boy, she is easy.

Okay, now, Lydia, when you hear a bell

you'll become Charo.

And you'll be Charo until you hear the bell again.

Oh, I love Charo!

Especially when he takes his sword

and makes the sign of the "Z."

No. That's Zorro.

This is Charo.

Oh, this is Charo! LARRY: Yes.

you'll wake up.

Oh.

No. Of course not. Oh, good!

Because, you know as a nationally syndicated

advice columnist, I have to maintain a certain amount...

Coochi, coochi, coochi!

Could you lower the lights

and I do a little number for you.

Arriba, Arriba! Arriba!

To maintain a certain amount of professionalism.

You know, I have a reputation to protect.

Okay, when I clap my hands, you'll wake up

and you'll remember nothing of what just happened.

Oh. Thank you. Thank you.

You didn't make me do the rooster, did you?

No, no.

That was wonderful.

I don't believe it!

Oh, no. No, no. Come on, cousin, please!

I don't think so.

My will is too strong.

You might be surprised, Larry.

Okay. All right.

Take your best shot.

Oh. Make him somebody famous.

Oh, uh, I'll get the pizza rolls.

No, no, cousin, you stay here and you let Mr. Cassidy,

uh, hypnotize you.

I go get the pizza roll.

Remember to, uh, concentrate on the watch.

Your eyes are tired. Mmm-hmm.

LAMONT: Your eyelids are getting heavy.

You can hardly keep them open.

You're getting very, very sleepy.

deep sleep.

When you hear a bell

you'll think that you're Elvis Presley

and you will be Elvis until you hear that bell again.

Now, when I snap my fingers

you'll wake up.

LARRY: Wow.

What happened? I... I can't remember a thing.

I could have been a contender.

I could have been somebody

instead of a bum, which is what I am.

Wow! That's uncanny.

Wait a minute. That's not Elvis.

That's Marlon Brando.

Well, I don't do Elvis.

Well, Larry's proved his point.

Some people can't get hypnotized.

They're too rigid.

Here I am. Thanks for waiting.

Go ahead, Mr. Cassidy. Hypnotize Cousin Larry.

Graceland.

Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

We don't have any Balki Bartokomous here.

How did you get this number?

Uh, who you talkin' to?

Well,

folks call me the King.

Hold on.

Pick up on three.

I'm gonna fry me a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Excuse me, mister.

Where have you been?

Well, uh,

I've been to Memphis.

I've been to, uh, Nashville.

I guess I've been more places

than you can shake a stick at.

What are you talking... What happened to your accent?

Well, uh, I've been takin' actin' lessons.

Look, uh, I just stopped by to return this.

I found it in my pants pocket.

It's your wallet. Uh, no, sir. It's not mine.

It, uh, says it belongs to a Balki Bartokomous.

It says on the identification card that he works here.

Bad day to fool around.

when I get back, I wanna take a look at your tax return

and run over the numbers.

I'm gonna run over a number of my own.

You do that.

One, two...

One, two, three, four...

Oh, good. You're here for the rehearsal.

Okay.

I stand up here like this in front of my cell.

The music comes in, and I start to go like this.

And then I come down here like this.

Now, now, don't worry now

because, uh, I'm choreographin' this myself

and I want everyone to have fun.

I want to work with you

Little in your, in your knees and in your hips, man.

You gotta just...

Just let out what you're feelin'.

Come on, baby.

Burn me up this time. Put a little fire into it.

Come on.

If you don't start behaving like yourself

by the time I count to three

you're out of a job.

One-- For the money.

Two-- For the show.

Hi, Mr. Gorpley.

Where did you come from?

Minneapolis.

And it's really none of your business.

Hello? Oh, no, this is the basement.

Uh, complaints is extension 6830.

Welcome.

Thank you, Harriette. All right, sweetie.

All right. Balki, come on.

We'll run over your return in the car.

We might get tire marks on it.

Get in the car.

Charlotte, send in my next appointment.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Balki Bartokomous.

And this is my Cousin Larry.

Why don't you sit down and, uh, we'll get started?

Well, thank you. This is a nice place you got here.

So green.

Did you, did you decorate it yourself?

Uh, no. Uncle Sam did that for me.

Really? I have an Uncle Sam myself.

Actually his name is Salmonella

after the fish and the jazz singer.

Balki, this is a, this is a tax audit

not This Is Your Life.

Yates speaking.

Yes, sir.

I'll be right there.

Uh, will you excuse me for a minute?

Yes.

Well, he seems like a nice guy.

Yeah. I think I'll buy him a Cadillac.

What?

Buying Cadillacs for people makes me feel good.

You want one?

Will you stop that? Stop what?

Who are you, anyway?

Well, uh...

Folks, uh, call me the King.

The king of what?

Man, that's... That's cute.

I'll have to tell that one to Priscilla

when I get back to Graceland.

Oh, my Lord.

You think you're Elvis.

Well, of course I do.

Don't be ridiculous.

You must have got hypnotized at the party.

Oh, okay, all right. All right.

All right. Snap out of it.

Snap out of it.

Uh, no offense, man

It goes like this.

* We're caught in a trap...

* I can't walk out *

He rang a little bell. He rang a bell

The phone! The phone!

* Why can't you see me

* What you're doing to me

* When you don't believe a word I'm saying

* We can't go... *

Cousin.

Balki?

It's you.

It worked. What worked?

Okay. Did I pass my audit?

No. Where did Mr. Yates go?

Well, he-- Why am I so sweaty?

Uh, excuse the interruption.

I'm sorry.

so if you have any questions about the return

why don't you give us a call?

Come on, Balki--

That's why you're here.

Cousin, what... What are you doing?

You're acting very peculiar.

Very peculiar.

Charlotte, I'm expecting a call from my wife any minute.

Would you pick-up when it rings?

Oh! Oh, gosh.

The glare from that window...

You, you mind if I tilt the blinds?

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, goodness.

How did that happen?

You walked over and yanked it out--

Balki, Balki.

What are you doing?

Just let Mr. Yates finish the audit.

I'm sorry about the phone.

I was raised among the Amish.

Could everyone just stay seated

while we get through this?

Now, Mr. Bartokomous.

How much did you earn last year?

Well, uh, let me think.

Take it home, son. Jam!

Let me think.

Uh, must have been...

Ain't stoppin' now. Excuse me, sir.

Well, I have no idea. The colonel has all my money.

And I'm the colonel.

Colonel Larry Appleton.

was exactly what it says on that tax return.

Could you let your friend answer the questions?

Uh, my name, uh, isn't Bartokomous.

It's, uh, Presley.

Elvis Aaron Presley.

Maybe you get a lot of Elvises in here I don't know.

So you know which one I am.

I'm gonna sing you a song.

* Well, since my baby left me

* Well I found a new place to dwell

* Well it's down at the end of Lonely Street

* At Heartbreak Hotel... *

Oh, good.

So how is he?

I got tired of ringing the bell.

Well, I'll just have to hypnotize him again

to remove the suggestion.

All right. I'll get him.

Now, bear with me

because this is the only thing

that he responds to.

Ladies and gentlemen...

The grand showroom of the Las Vegas Hilton

is proud to present

the one,

the only,

Elvis!

Thank you. You've been a really fantastic audience.

A really beautiful audience.

The first picture I ever made was called Love Me Tender.

I'd like to sing it for you now.

Balki, when I snap my fingers

you're going to fall asleep.

Now, wait a minute,

and it didn't work for me.

Well, it's not just the snap.

It's also the sound of my voice.

you will no longer be Elvis.

Do you understand?

When I clap my hands, you'll wake up

and you'll remember nothing

of what happened yesterday.

Lydia, Mr. Cassidy. What are you doing here?

Um, we just stopped by to pick up my bell.

Pretty.

Looks like he's okay.

Well, we have to be going.

Lamont is going to hypnotize me

to help me get over my fear of pom-poms.

Look, there's one now!

Why am I wearing a sequined jumpsuit?

Balki, last night

when Lamont tried to hypnotize me

you got hypnotized instead.

You thought you were Elvis all day.

You made me take you shopping.

I didn't turn into Elvis during the audit, did I?

Well, yes, yes, but it's okay.

Mr. Yates finally believed you'd been hypnotized

but not till after you tried to hit the high note

in You'll Never Walk Alone.

Boy, I wish I could have been there.

Balki, it's good to have you back.

Thank you, cousin.

It's good to be back.

Even though I don't know where I'm back from.

Oh, would you believe that?

Lamont left his little bell again.

* Since my baby left me

* Well I found a new place to dwell

* Well *

Got you, cousin!