Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

Mind if I use your phone? Don't touch that phone.

You wanna rephrase that, baby?

I'm sorry, Harriette, I just mean

I am expecting a very important phone call.

Cousin Larry is on the verge of a very big perversion.

Promotion. Very big promotion.

And I really can't talk about it. It's very hush hush.

Oh, is that the job on the investigative reporting team

working with Marshall and Walpole?

How did you know? People talk in elevators.

I listen.

Cousin, there's an idea.

You should wait in the elevator.

That's where all the news is.

Well, I hope you get your call soon.

I've got to call the phone company.

You know we moved into your building three days ago

and still haven't gotten our phone hooked up.

Really? My son is going through phone withdrawal.

Hello. Hello. Yes. Yes.

He's standing right here. I'm his cousin.

He's my cousin. Oh!

Appleton.

Yes.

Yes!

That was Marshall and Walpole.

They wanna see me upstairs right away.

Yeah, that means I can use the phone now.

Be my guest. Cousin, good luck.

Good luck, baby.

Look at those little legs go.

Oh, Harriette, this job means so much to Cousin Larry.

If he gets it, he'll feel five feet tall.

Hey, baby. Hi, sweetums.

Hi, Balki. Hi, Carl.

Hey, Balki, I brought you some more

wanted posters for your collection.

Got it, got it.

Oh, Carl.

A Joey the Fish rookie card.

First offense. Oh, thank you, Carl.

You're welcome.

Not you, baby. Oh!

Mmm. How come your lips taste so sweet?

Uh... Is that powdered sugar on your mouth?

No, no, no, it's not sugar. It's, um, uh...

Uh... Don't lie to me, you've been eating donuts.

Oh, Carl, did you have some of those ones

we'd always have... Oh, you did.

Look, there's a little jelly on your hand.

There's some crumbs on your lip--

and you're in the line of fire.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I beg you pardon.

If anybody needs me, I'll be over there

separating the assault from the battery.

Okay.

How many donuts did you eat? None.

How many? Just one.

How many? All right, two, okay, two.

How many? All right, nine.

And I'm paying the price.

Now, lookie here, I didn't come here to argue.

They got me working undercover.

Oh, I worry when you work undercover.

Oh, well, now don't worry, don't worry.

I'll be all right, and I'll be home before you know it.

Come here. See you later.

Bye, Balki. Bye, Carl.

Thanks again for Joey the Fish.

Hey, I'm just glad I can get 'em for ya.

He's gonna be big. Oh-ho-oh-oh.

No need to do that. I know the way.

Carl, you got food in that car, don't you?

Now...

It's just a little something for the guys

HARRIETTE: Yeah, I got it.

Balki. Cousin.

Balki. Cousin.

Balki. Cousin.

Balki. Cousin.

Balki. Cousin.

You are looking at Larry Appleton,

investigative reporter.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, cousin, congratulations.

Your ship has finally hit the fan.

How fat is your big, fat raise?

Well, they didn't give me a raise as such.

Well, no need to be greedy.

After all, you got that fancy new office.

Well, they thought it would be best if I stayed right here.

Well, you got that company car you wanted.

Well, no.

Business cards? No.

Pencils with your name on them?

No. Cousin, work with me here.

I'm trying hard to keep up my enthusiasm.

Balki, those things don't matter.

This is a big break for me.

I am on the investigative reporting team

of the Chicago Chronicle.

I'll be out there digging up the facts.

Exposing scandals, writing the hard news.

Balki, for the first time, I am a real reporter.

Appleton, assistant research liaison

to the investigative reporting team of Marshall and Walpole.

They did give me a title. Wow!

Yes, sir, Mr. Walpole.

This could be my first assignment.

Yes, sir. I'm ready.

Got it. Got it.

Hard salami.

They want me to get them lunch.

Well, you still got that snappy title.

Well, Balki,

my first day as an investigative reporter

and the only thing I exposed was some fatty corned beef.

Oh, come on, cousin. Don't be discouraged.

Your dream is coming true. Oh!

Come on, you're... You're a member

of the investigative reporting team.

Don't you think that Mushmouth and Polevault

started out where you're starting out?

Marshall and Walpole.

All right, all right, look, I read all about them.

I know that they started out at the bottom

writing little tiny pieces for the paper.

And then they moved on to the features department

and they are writing bigger stories.

And then, after a few years, they stumbled

onto that milk scandal and the rest, as they say

is hysterectomy.

You know, Balki, you're right.

You've shown me what I have to do.

And not for the first time either.

Cousin, I'm glad you're seeing that patience is the key.

I don't have time for patience.

What I need is a sensational story

that will launch me right to the top.

Just like Marshall and Walpole.

But right now, I'm gonna get a good night sleep.

I'm gonna get up at 3:30, go hang out at night court.

Love that show.

There's bound to be something happening down there.

Hi, guys. BOTH: Hi, Carl.

I'm really sorry to bother you but I'm expecting

they could reach me here, I hope you guys don't mind

if I kinda hang around a little while?

Oh, no. Come on in. No, it's no problem.

All right. All right.

Uh, look, Carl, uh, I don't mean to seem rude

but, uh, I gotta get some shut-eye.

Oh! I'm exhausted.

Okay. Goodnight. Goodnight.

So, Carl, how's it going? Oh, great.

We're this close to busting a big politician.

But, hey, I can sleep tomorrow.

Let's talk.

Cousin, I thought you were going to bed.

Oh, suddenly, I feel wide awake.

Guess I'm getting my second wind.

I'll get the antacid.

So, Carl, uh, you're closing in on a corrupt politician?

Yeah, I really wanna nail this guy.

And we're about to spring a trap for him

and a big mob kingpin.

Original formula. Yeah.

He's been takin' bribes from the mob for years.

Cousin, uh, you want a spoon

or will you be chugalugging tonight?

Chugalugging, chugalugging. Ahem!

So, uh, this politician, we talking, uh, local, state

federal, appointed, elected? Did I vote for him?

Did you vote for him? Nod if I'm getting warm.

Uh, Larry, I really can't say anymore about it.

This is official police business.

of the Chronicle's investigative reporting team.

I wouldn't wanna see this on the front page.

Larry and Balki's Water Works.

Which drip do you want to talk to?

Carl, it's for you. That's my call.

Oh, two points.

It's going down tonight?

Oh, when? Oh! "Childproof cap."

Okay, you make sure that Alderman is there

Right. Uh-huh.

Okay, no, he doesn't suspect a thing.

Listen, uh, what's the address to the restaurant?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, got it.

All right, I'll see you in 20 minutes. Bye.

Listen, fellas, I really shouldn't have said all I said

about the case I'm workin' on.

But you two guys are my friends

Carl, don't worry because your secret is safe with us.

Thanks. If anybody knows how to keep a secret

we are those people.

Thank you. Once again, Carl, don't worry.

All right. Because your secret is safe with us.

Gee, thanks.

What secret is he talking about?

I think Carl is going to make a big bust.

That's the secret? Carl is interested in sculpting?

Not that kind of bust.

No.

A bust means Carl is going to arrest a crooked politician

who is involved with organized crime.

This is the story I'm looking for.

All I have to do is rub a pencil across this pad.

Then I can make out the impression and find out

where the arrest is going to happen.

Why would you want to do that?

Because I am going to put this story

on the front page of The Chronicle.

On the front page?

Someone might see it.

Not just someone. Everyone.

Cousin, I don't think so.

We promised Carl that we would keep this a secret

and I intend to keep our word.

Give me the pad... Balki.

I need the address on that pad.

When Carl makes the arrest, I've got to be there.

Well, in this case, you don't have a ticket to ride.

Cousin, Carl told us to keep this a secret

and I intend to do it.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, I don't have a problem with that.

You keep it a secret, but give me the pad.

Cousin, if you build a career by betraying a friend

you'll hate yourself.

I'd get over it.

Stand back,

or I'll sweep you into tomorrow.

Balki, give me that pad.

No, cousin. This is wrong.

Carl don't want us to have this information.

Oh, oh, oh!

So that's what's bothering you.

Yes.

You think Carl doesn't want us to have that information.

That is correct. But Balki, no.

That is not correct. The truth, the truth is...

The truth is that Carl

wants me to have that address.

You see this is the way information is passed

from undercover cops to investigative reporters.

But if, If Carl wanted you to have this information

why he didn't just come out and say it?

Well, he couldn't do that. No?

No. He'd get into trouble.

We wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?

No. LARRY: No.

BALKI: No. No.

He does want me to have that address.

He does. But he can't give it to me.

He can't? No.

Balki, think about it.

If Carl didn't want me to put it in the paper

he wouldn't have told me to keep it a secret.

Wait a minute.

Are you, are you saying that Carl gave us a secret

and told us to keep that secret a secret

but that, that really wasn't what he wanted?

What he really wanted was for you

to put that secret on the front page

of the newspaper so that everyone can know this secret

that we are supposed to be keeping a secret?

Exactly.

Exactly what? Exactly what you just said.

I don't know what I just said.

I went into the kitchen to get the antacid.

I couldn't get the top of it off--

Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki.

Look, this is all very, very simple.

hoping we would make it public.

we would be honor-bound to keep it a secret.

Because Carl knows a secret being a secret

is the only thing worth making public.

Otherwise, why call it a secret?

Take the pad.

I've got a headache.

Nothing. There is nothing. This always works in the movies.

Balki, how am I gonna find out where Carl's making the arrest?

He gave us a secret...

Balki, why can't I ever get a break?

Oh, don't worry, cousin.

I glanced at the pad while he was writing it down.

Balki, I'll never forget you for this.

We've got 10 minutes to get there.

He, and... And...

If you put on the front page of the newspaper

then everyone would know the secret

that we are supposed to be keeping a secret.

Because he said to us that-- Let's go.

Hey, Alderman, I'm glad you could make it.

Hey. Adios.

Well, there was no way I was gonna miss

Sergeant Bergetti's surprise party.

So, uh, how is Carl gonna get him here

without, uh, spoiling the surprise?

How do you get a cop to go anywhere?

You promise him a free meal, right?

All right, all right, but one question.

With all the cops in here, who's minding the city?

Look at this place.

It's crawling with criminals.

They look like nice people to me.

Oh, Balki, Balki, Balki.

When you've been on the street as long as I have

there are some things you just know.

I have been on the street as long as you have.

We left the house at the same time.

Just stick close to me.

Try not to draw attention to yourself.

Planter.

Loose tile. Careful.

Oh, my Lord.

Alderman Zittrell is sitting at a table in the corner.

He must be the crooked politician

Carl is going to arrest.

Oh, my Lord!

That's the chief of police with him.

He must be a crook, too.

I've got to know what they're talking about.

Balki...

I am going to try to tape their conversation.

Wait here.

Could I have a Shirley Temple over here?

Wait here. Don't speak.

Let me freshen that for you.

There you are. Thank you.

I can't believe it.

I am blowing the lid off the biggest story in town.

If Carl hadn't let this slip, I'd still be getting lunch

for those bozos, Marshall and Walpole.

Let it slip? What?

You told me that Carl wanted us to have this information.

No, he did, uh, let it slip is a generic term

which can be used to denote one who wants to convey--

Cousin, cut the Bullwinkle!

Okay. I lied. Big deal.

I'm trying to build a career here.

If you have a problem with that...

Go home.

I will.

Balki, you are interfering with the freedom of the press.

Oh, phoo!

Cousin.

Balki.

Cousin, please.

Hi! Hi!

The bread's fine.

Loose tile, careful.

Are you happy? Well--

You could have gotten us killed.

Give me that.

CHIEF OF POLICE: Don't worry, everything's all set.

As soon as Carl comes in that door with Carmine

boom, we let 'em have it.

BALKI AND LARRY: Hi.

Balki, Alderman Zittrell is planning to murder Carl.

We've got to get out of here and warn him.

Okay, this is it.

Now when I give the signal. Balki, we've got to stop him.

Surprise!

Well, you got that right.

Carl, I am so sorry about all the embarrassment--

Hey, Larry, don't worry about it.

You're already a legend downtown.

They'll be laughing about you for years.

Oh, cousin, isn't that nice?

And you thought you made a fool of yourself.

Well, I better get downstairs.

Harriette waits up for me.

She likes to dust me for fingerprints.

Why? Doesn't she trust you when you work undercover?

Oh, no, no, no. It's nothing like that.

It's just a little thing that we do.

Boy, some investigative reporter.

I blew the lid off a surprise party.

Oh, come on, cousin. Don't be down on yourself.

You're a good writer and a hard worker.

And someday, you're gonna be just as famous

as Maytag and Whirlpool.

You really think I'm a good writer?

Well, of course, I do.

Don't be ridiculous.

Well, maybe you're right.

If I just hang in there, work hard,

my time will come.

Of course, it will.

Remember, cousin, patience is a virgin.