Original subtitles

[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Yes, I know, Mr. Endicott owns the paper

that's-that's why I'm calling him.

Yeah, well, well, I rather not tell you

what floor I work on.

Well, I-I'm, I-m afraid, if I do tell you

you'll hang up on me.

Al-al-alright, alright, uh, I work in the basement.

And I just wanted.. Hello? Hello!

That's amazing.

You was dynamic on the phone as you are in person.

I can't believe it, I have this great idea

for an investigative reporting team

and no one will listen to me.

If-if I could have five minutes with Mr. Endicott

I know he would love my idea.

If I can just get past his secretary.

Now, who am I kidding?

Mr. Endicott wouldn't listen to me.

His secretary won't listen to me.

Nobody listens to me.

What do you think I should do, Harriette?

Harriette.

Oh, sorry, baby, I wasn't listenin'.

♪ Forget your troubles come on get happy ♪

♪ You better chase all your cares away ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah come on get happy ♪

♪ Get ready for the judgment day ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' come on get happy ♪

♪ The Lord is waitin' to take your hand ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah come on get happy ♪

Balki, Balki, Balki.

If you want me to get happy, stop singing.

Now, where have you been?

I've been delivering the invitations

to Mr. Endicott's party.

Oh. Boy, would I love to go to that party.

Well, cousin, I'm glad to hear that

because I need the ride.

You got invited to the party?

But you-you don't even know the Endicotts.

Oh, cousin, that's not entirely true.

Last week, while I was delivering the mail

I meet Mrs. Endicott, and we had a very nice chat.

Um, I told her I was an heir to the throne of Mypos and..

[clears throat]

...told a few jokes and like that

she invited me to the party.

W-w-wait a minute! What did you tell her?

I told her the one about the rabbi

and the kangaroo, you know..

No, no. Not, not the joke.

The part about being an heir to the throne of Mypos

you never told me, you were an heir to the throne.

- I didn't? - No! You didn't.

Well, slap me stupid.

Balki, this-this is incredible.

Well, what are you, first in line?

Second? Third?

Nine hundred and eighty-sixth.

Is everyone on Mypos, an heir to the throne?

Well, of course, no. Don't be ridiculous.

Only the men and a few of the older women with moustaches.

I don't suppose you got around to telling Mrs. Endicott

that there were 985 heirs ahead of you.

Cousin, that's common knowledge.

Right.

Right.

So we can go to the Endicotts for the weekend.

And I'll finally get a chance to tell Mr. Endicott

my idea for the paper, and that will kick my career

into a high gear. Balki. Life is good.

Cousin, I told you I could make you get happy.

♪ Forget your troubles come on get happy ♪

♪ You better chase all your cares away ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah come on get happy ♪

♪ Get ready for the judgment day ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

[door opens]

Balki.

I got a new sport coat, a new pair of pants.

When I walk in to that party, people are going to turn

and say.. What's that smell?

Are you cooking pig snout?

You bet your baby babkas.

Cousin, I've got thirty gallons of pig snout

that I need to take to the Endicotts' shindig.

Listen, when it's my turn to pick the party game

I'm going to suggest barbing for snout.

It happens to be a great ice-breaker.

I'm sure it is.

Balki!

[clears throat] These people don't barb for pig parts.

The Endicotts are rich

and the rich are not like you and me.

Oh, come on, cousin, they're just like everyone else

they put their pantyhose on, one leg at a time.

One leg at a time, you think so?

- 'I know so.' - You do?

- Yes, I do. - Balki, tell me.

How many rich people do you know?

- Ah. - How many?

- Ah. - How many?

How many rich people? How many rich people do you know?

None.

None? As in zero, as in no rich people do you know?

That is correct.

Well, it just so happens that I..

...have envied rich people all my life.

And I am very familiar with their customs.

When they invite you into their homes

you have to behave the way they expect you to behave.

What the Endicotts expect to see is Prince Balki.

So you have to act like royalty.

Cousin, I don't know how do that.

Luckily, I do know how do that.

I knew you would.

Now. First of all.

Royalty always refer to themselves

in the first person plural

never in the first person singular

always in the first person plural.

So..

...if someone asks you what you think of the party

you would say..

- I think-- - Wrong.

- You think.. - No.

He, she or it thinks?

We think.

- We do? - That's right.

- What's right? - "We" is right.

I know we is, but what is we right about?

"We" is the correct word.

- We is. - Now you've got it.

- I do. - We do.

We do? We do what? What are we talking about?

I don't know what we're talking about.

Last thing I know, I was cooking up some snout!

Balki..

Balki, Balki, Balki, Shh, shh, shh.

Let me make this very simple for you.

Just use the word, "we"

instead of the word, "I."

Wait a minute, you mean, I simply substitute

the plural person of pronoun for the singular in all cases?

Why you didn't say so?

My mistake.

Okay, let's try it.

You arrive at the party and someone says to you

"Oh, welcome, Prince Bartokomous

so good of you to come." And you would say..

"We are very happy to be here.

"And we would appreciate it

"if one of you good people would give us a hand

with our tub of snout."

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Wow, cousin.

King Ferdinand's whole palace would fit in here.

And there would be plenty of room

left over for his livestock.

(Larry) 'The Endicotts are coming.'

Remember, you are royalty.

Prince Bartokomous.

Your Highness.

Everyone? Attention.

May I present His Highness

Balki Bartokomous, crowned prince of Mypos.

[applauding]

Thank you.

Your Highness, Mrs. Endicott and I are honored

by your presence in our home.

Oh, and a lovely, lovely home it is.

We were just remarking that it would be

perfect for the king's livestock.

You are too kind.

Go on with you.

You'll have to excuse the prince.

Uh, when he meets someone he likes

he gives them the royal shove.

[laughing] How delightful!

I hope I don't get the royal bruise.

You nut! She's crazy.

Your Highness, would you please excuse us?

I see that some guests have just arrived.

Oh. Oh, yes, no problem, Mrs. Endicott.

Oh, no! Please, please.

Call us...Muffy and Bobo.

- Do make yourself at home. - Sure.

- Mr. Endicott, I was hoping-- - Excuse me.

Cousin..

Look at this. Everybody brought food.

I knew I should have brought the pig snout.

Well, it's too late for that now, uh..

Balki, listen, uh..

I really have to talk to Mr. Endicott

for a couple of minutes.

Why don't you go and get something to eat?

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, oh, my goodness! Thank you very much.

Well, for heaven's sake!

Oh, well, uh, don't mind if I do.

Well, I'm-I'm-I'm speechless.

[comical music]

[music continues]

[shattering]

[instrumental music]

Your Highness.

Would you mind terribly if we joined you?

Why? Are we coming apart?

You! Take a load off.

- Oh, prince. - Oh, stop it.

Your Highness, I'd be honored if you'd drop by

the country club next week.

We could play a little golf.

We love little golf.

We're especially good at the windmill hole.

[laughing] Prince! Stop!

Tell me, Your Highness.

What do you think of American women?

Well, we think they spend a little too much time

trying to remove excess facial hair.

A trap we're glad to say you didn't fall into.

[laughing]

You know it's a pity the Mypiot humor

doesn't translate into English.

Or any other language.

Your Highness, I-I've been wondering.

Why in the world would a prince be working

in the mail room of my husband's newspaper?

Well--

Could I field this one for you, prince?

Oh, well..

Uh, His Highness doesn't want anyone at The Chronicle

to know he's heir to the throne.

He came to this country to find a wife

but he wants her to love him for himself.

(Larry) 'Not for his wealth and power and place in history.'

That sounds like that Eddie Mumphry movie

"Coming To America."

Would you, um, excuse us?

And them.

Cousin, are you aware that you just told a big, fat lie?

I'm-I'm sorry, Balki.

I guess I'm just so frustrated at not being able to get to

Mr. Endicott that I-I forgot

that lying was a bad thing.

If the lying doesn't stop, I'm outta here!

Okay! It's alright, I'm better now.

- You are? - Yes, I am.

- No more lying? - No more lying.

Attention, attention.

We need two more for polo. Does anyone play?

We do.

[instrumental music]

I didn't know polo would be so hard.

Cousin, think about it.

Hitting a tiny ball with a stick..

...while riding a galloping horse at full speed

is not a skill you can fake.

I thought the horse would do more.

[sighs]

Alright, cousin.

The time has come for me to tell

Muffy and Bobo the truth.

If you tell the Endicotts you are not a Prince

they will throw us out and I will never get a chance

to talk to Mr. Endicott.

Nevertheless. The truth must be served.

Can't you serve it later?

No. It's getting cold.

You realize I'll have to go now?

Yes. I know.

You know I'll have to stop you.

Yes. I know.

[grunting]

No. No. No.

Not the nose! Not the nose!

It's the pride of Mypos.

- Oh. - Ah.

[grunting]

[shattering]

(both) Hi.

Uh, Bobo, I-I..

Mister. Mr. Endicott.

Bobo.

I-I-I'm so glad I ran into you.

I'd like to tell you about a terrific idea

I had for the paper.

We set up an investigative reporting unit

you know, along the lines of Woodward and Bernstein.

I'd be happy to head up the team.

Statistics show that papers who have these teams

win more Pulitzers and increase their circulation

on an average of 4.63 percent.

I think it's just the thing The Chronicle needs.

A bad idea.

I had an investigative reporting team on the last paper I owned.

They got me sued for 38 million dollars.

Hmm?

- What was your name again? - McGregor.

Joe McGregor.

[Balki mumbling]

That's better.

Buffy, Momo.

I'm sorry about the mess.

Oh, please. Don't concern yourself.

It's nothing. A Persian rug.

A gift from the Aga Khan.

A small price to pay

for the honor of Your Highness' company.

Well, we gotta talk about that.

Do we really? Do we really?

I mean, I've said everything I have to say, and-and--

Let it go, Joe.

Uh..

I'm not the kind of royalty you think I am.

I am an heir to the throne of Mypos but..

...so are all the other men on Mypos

and a few of the older women with moustaches.

Oh, dear, look at the time.

Why don't we all go in to dinner?

[indistinct murmuring]

Well, you see, cousin?

I-I told the Endicott's the truth about myself

and-and they didn't throw us out.

Uh..

- Bobo? - Balki.

- Muffy? - Balki.

Muff! It-it's Balki.

[chuckles] You-you-you accidentally locked us out.

It was no accident, Balki. They meant to lock us out.

Cousin..

You mean that-that the Endicotts

pretended to be my friends but they were not?

I'm sorry we ever came.

Forget about the Endicotts, Balki.

If they don't want you as a friend.

Well, they're the ones who are missing out.

You-you have more class in your little finger

than all of them put together.

[sighs]

Thank you, cousin.

All rich people are snobs anyway.

Horse apples!

Not all rich people are snobs, just those jerks.

And what do they know?

They never worked a day in their lives.

Wow! Imagine what they'd have if they worked?

I've been watching you all evening.

You seem like a nice kid.

But 86, the royalty act.

And you, I like the idea you had for the paper.

Well, I appreciate that, but..

Bobo, the clown hates it.

What does it matter what we think?

Oh, it doesn't matter what you think.

It matters what I think. I'm Bobo Sr.

You're Bobo-Bobo-Bobo?

You're Bobo-Bobo-Bobo..

Bobo-Bobo-Bobo..

Cousin, this really is no time

for your Bing Crosby imitation.

I still own controlling interest in the paper.

And I think that your idea about the investigative reporting team

isn't half bad.

You like it? Did you hear that, Balki?

He likes it! You mean I can head up the team?

No, that's the half that was bad.

We need somebody that's more experienced.

'But don't worry, you'll get your chance to be on the team.'

I never forget a name, Joe McGregor.

Uh-ah, Appleton.

Uh, my name is actually Larry Appleton.

Joe McGregor is just a nickname.

It's a stupid nickname.

Almost as stupid as Bobo.

Skippy! Now, that's a nickname!

Open up! It's Big Bobo!

Well, there you go, cousin.

All rich people are not snobs.

Big Bobo was very nice to us.

He didn't invite us in to dinner.

Well, don't you worry about that.

I've got 30 gallons of pig snout at home

with your name on it.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]