Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Yes, sir. I'll have it for you tomorrow morning.

Cousin, cousin, don't... Don't... Don't do anything.

Just wait-- Balki, I'm fine.

I got it. I got it.

I'm fine. I'm fine. No, Balki, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Get back. Can you just get--

No, no, no, Balki. Cousin, don't--

No, no, no. Oh, oh.

Now, you see, it's a lucky thing I was here.

Now, very slowly, let me just take--

No, Balki-- Listen.

Just let me get the top one.

Good thing, they don't let you guys handle explosives.

Well, so what is all this?

Don't tell me you're still writing that article?

Oh, no, Balki, I'm not writing it.

I'm just doing the research.

Three feature reporters are writing it.

Oh, well, that hardly seems fair.

Oh, no, no.

It's great. I'm learning a lot.

See, the series is on senior citizens.

And this afternoon I interviewed a pair of elderly brothers--

Oh, I love The Elderly Brothers.

* Bye-bye, love

* Bye-bye, happiness *

Now, Balki.

you were meeting The Elderly Brothers?

It was last minute. Hmm.

You tell me all about it

on the way to the movie tonight.

Movie? Yeah.

Benji the Hunted is playing at the theater

or a drive-in near us.

Oh, oh, oh.

Ah, Balki, I can't go to a movie tonight.

I've gotta stay home.

I've gotta go through all these files

and take notes on each one.

Oh, cousin, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay, Balki.

You enjoy the movie.

Enjoy the movie?

Are you out of my mind?

If you stay home, I stay home.

Now, this is what we're gonna do.

I'll read you the files, and you take notes.

"Residents of Oak Park, Illinois,

"were surveyed, and it was--" Um...

No, uh, Balki, I really should read them myself.

You're absolutely right.

What kind of fool am I?

Listen, this is what we're gonna do.

You read the files, and I'll take notes.

I'll have to start sharpening pencils right now.

Balki, I think what--

Balki, I think what we need to--

Balki. Balki.

Balki, I better take the notes myself.

See, I've kinda got my own system.

But to tell you the truth, I'd feel terrible

if you missed Benji because of me.

Cousin, please, don't give it a second thought.

If you need a helping hand

Balki will be there to jump in with both feet.

Cousin, you'll never guess what happened tonight!

Wait a minute, Balki.

Please.

Please.

I went to see Benji the Hunted.

Mind blower!

I mean, the whole movie

is shown from a dog's point of view.

And you know, I never thought about it before

but that Benji must get a stiff neck

from looking up all the time.

Uh-uh-uh. Hey.

But anyway, anyway

the really exciting thing happened after the movie.

Okay, wait a minute. Hang on, hang on.

Let me finish this. Let me finish this.

Let me finish, please.

Okay. I went...

I went to the night mart.

Did you know, they let you make your own hot cocoa?

Well, they do.

And it's not as easy as most people think.

There's a trick to it.

as you add the hot water.

Uh, Balki, Balki, Balki.

I've seen you make hot chocolate

and hey, you're the best.

But I am up to my neck in senior citizens here

so it would really help me right now

if you could just save your story for later.

But, cousin, cousin-- Later. Could you do that?

Could you do that for me? Wait a minute.

Please.

Okay.

Thank you.

What's your story? Okay.

I made a new friend!

Great story. I laughed. I cried.

Now, can I get back to my work?

No, so I'm at the night mart

and I see this guy trying to make hot cocoa.

And he doesn't know what he's doing.

He's messing it all up.

And he's ending up with this brown glop

at the bottom of his cup.

Disgusting. So I went up to him

and I decided I'll show him how to make it the Balki way,

which as you know entails a degree of stirring.

Well, that's nice. That's nice.

You help someone, you make a friend.

That's the way it works. Yeah, but...but--

Uh-uh! Oh.

So, well, it was a good thing I was his friend

because I have to pay for his hot cocoa.

Oh, you paid for his hot cocoa.

he realized he had forgot his wallet at home.

Oh, getting to the checkout line

realizing you don't have any money.

That can be embarrassing.

You can say that again

and it was a good thing I was there

because I also had to pay for his Dang Dongs.

You paid for his hot chocolate and his Dang Dongs?

Yeah, yeah, I paid for his Dang Dongs

and his, uh, double-stuffed Oreos

and his Scooter Pies and his Twinkies

and his two gallons of Cookies 'n Cream ice cream.

Uh... Balki, I-- Cousin, cousin, cousin.

I know what you're thinking, and I asked myself

the very same question.

Isn't this just a little too much sugar in one's diet?

That's not what I was thinking.

Well, you'll be happy to know

until after his dinner.

Dinner?

Wait a minute.

Back up. Back up.

Whoa!

He took you to a very expensive restaurant?

If he didn't have any money,

how did he pay for this dinner?

he pulled out all the stops.

He insisted we have the best dinner my money could buy.

Cousin.

I don't know, it's pretty unbelievable so far.

My new friend is a world-famous athlete.

You're right. This is a part I don't believe.

At the 1984 Olympics, he won four gold medals.

Two for running, one for jumping

and one for handing someone a stick.

Let me guess, Carl Lewis?

Get out of the city!

You know him, too? No.

No, I don't know him, and neither do you.

This Carl is a con artist. No, cousin, he is not an artist.

He... Have you been listening?

He's a runner and a jumper and a stick-hander-offer.

Balki, Balki, your friend

Carl Lewis isn't the real Carl Lewis

and he certainly isn't your friend.

He's a fake, a fraud, a phony and probably hypoglycemic.

Cousin, I'm surprised that

you're saying these things

about someone you have not even met.

Balki, just think about it.

You met him in an all-night grocery store.

He borrowed money to buy his hot chocolate.

He borrowed money to buy his groceries.

He borrowed money to pay for an expensive dinner.

Surprised he didn't borrow money to pay for a cab.

Only $20. Twenty dollars?

Well, I... It's all that I had left.

I hope he got home, okay. Balki.

And he doesn't need to borrow money from you.

Oh, cousin, is that what's bothering you?

I was wondering what you had a bee in your pants about.

Cousin, he's going to pay me back tomorrow at the track meet.

What track meet?

And he's leaving

two tickets at the box office.

All right, Balki, listen to me.

It's all part of the same lie.

This guy already has your money.

You're never gonna see him again.

Cousin.

Do you know what your problem is?

You don't trust people.

I trust some people.

I just don't trust strangers who claim to be somebody famous and take all my money.

Well, uh, listen you come with me tomorrow to the box office

and when you see those tickets, and you will,

your face is going to be green with embarrassment.

That's red with embarrassment.

And there won't be any tickets.

There will be tickets. Ah.

And you're going to come crawling to me

on your hands and face and say, "Balki...

"Why... Why can't I be more like you

"and less like me?"

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go upstairs

and get Mary Anne and take her out for a cup of coffee

because I'm sure she'll be excited about my new friend.

Cousin, could I borrow some money until Carl pays me back?

Thank you.

Uh, please, two tickets under the name of Carl Lewis.

Balki, if there are any tickets here

I'll eat pigeon, crow, any bird you want.

I got nothing for Carl Lewis.

Oh, um, try under the name of Bartokomous.

That's B-A-R-T-O

with a komous at the end.

That's the thing.

I got nothing.

Uh, did you try under Bartokomous?

B-A-R-T-O-- Yeah, yeah.

But Lewis didn't leave anybody any tickets.

Well, eh...

But your friend didn't leave any tickets.

Well, I... I want to see--

Next.

Balki.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I know you're disappointed.

He probably just forgot to leave the tickets.

You know, he is very forgetful.

and he forgot to set the alarm.

And then when he woke up, he was so weirded out

that he forget to bring the tickets.

Balki...

just waiting to take advantage of people like you.

Well, uh, cousin, maybe there are,

but my friend Carl is not one of them.

Your friend Carl isn't even Carl.

Cousin, do you know what you are?

You are a doubting Thomopoulos.

I am not a doubting Thomopoulos.

I'm a realist.

A realist who is freezing his buns off.

No, cousin...

We came here to wait for Carl.

And if you're not willing to wait for Carl,

I don't know why you come in the first place.

Balki, I came to look out for you.

I knew there wouldn't be any tickets

and I knew you'd be hurt.

Well, I'm not hurt.

So you have wasted your trip.

Okay, fine.

You stand out here in the cold.

I am going home.

All right, go home. I will.

Go home.

You think I won't?

No, I think you will.

I'm not a doubting Thomopoulos.

Okay, here I go.

So you're just gonna stay here?

Look at me. Am I moving?

Okay, okay. Fine.

I guess there are some things

you've just got to learn for yourself.

I guess so.

Good night, cousin.

How long has the track meet been over?

Well, are you're sure there's no one there?

Is there anyone else there?

I left him standing right outside the will call window.

Could you just run outside and check for me?

Oh, well, that's real nice.

That's real clever.

Well, let me tell you something, Buster.

I'm rubber and you're glue.

Everything you say bounces off me

and sticks to you!

I'll find him myself.

That's called, the Fosbury Flop.

Balki, it's 1:00 a.m.

Where have you been?

Funny, funny story, cousin.

Not two minutes after your compact little legs carried you away...

...Carl came running out of the stadium,

apologized for not leaving the tickets

and swept me into the stadium!

And... And there were no seats left

so he had to give me a press pass.

A press pass? It gets better.

I'm sure it does.

Cousin, it was so much fun inside that stadium.

Everybody is running and jumping and throwing things.

Hey, Balki...

Are you trying to tell me that Carl really showed up?

Half of communication is being a good listener.

I'm sorry to rub it in.

I know how embarrassed you must be

by being completely wrong.

Oh, Balki.

Balki, Balki, Balki.

Listen to me.

I know what you're going through.

In junior high, I told Bobby Caruso

that Henry Aaron was a friend of my dad's

and that he was coming over for dinner that weekend.

Well, the next day, every kid in the eighth grade

begged me for his autograph.

Bobby Caruso's?

Henry Aaron's.

So what could I do? I had to save face.

I spent the whole weekend signing pieces of paper

that said "Best wishes, stay in school, Henry Aaron."

Do you see what I'm getting at?

But shouldn't you be telling all of this to Bobby Caruso?

Balki.

The point is when you've been hurt

you don't have to make up a story to save face.

You...

You don't believe me.

Balki, this is Cousin Larry you're talking to.

I have never lied to you.

And even before I knew you

I never lied to you.

And even before I never lied to you

I never lied to anyone,

not even the littlest sheep in my flock.

So you're gonna stick to your story.

It's...the truth.

Okay, fine.

Carl Lewis is your friend. I'm happy for you.

He is. Hey, I believe it.

So, what'd you and Carl do after the meet?

Hit the night mart and throw down a couple of hot chocolates?

Now, you're making fun of Balki.

Look, let's just forget the whole thing. I gotta turn in.

I've got a big day tomorrow.

I'm playing handball with the Pope.

Oh, that must be Morgan Fairchild.

I met her at the Laundromat, you know.

I'm looking for Balki Bartokomous.

Carl, come in. Oh, hey, Balki. How you doin'?

Oh, thank you.

You're Carl Lewis. Yeah.

Harriette is gonna love these.

She's a big, big fan of yours and your brother Jerry.

You must be Larry.

Balki's talks about you all the time.

You're Carl Lewis.

I was the last time I looked at myself.

You're Carl Lewis.

Ooh.

Okay. Bye, Carl.

And listen, if you ever need a place to crash, feel free.

I'll do that and nice talking to you, Larry.

That was Carl Lewis.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Yes, yeah...

You know... You know, I didn't believe you.

No, you didn't.

Carl must think I'm a real jerk.

I made fun of you.

Oh, cousin, I forgive you. Oh.

You were just trying to protect me.

Uh, yeah, I was, I was.

And I promise,

from now on I will never doubt you ever again.

Really? Never. Ever, never.

Never? Uh, if you say it,

I'll believe it.

Well, what if I say that

I had dinner with the mayor?

I'd ask what he ordered?

What if I say that NASA wants me to be an astronaut?

I'd mix up a pitcher of Tang.

What if I said...

...that I bought a handful of magic beans

and I threw them out the window.

And they grew up...

...into a beanstalk and it reached to the clouds

and I climbed up it and I met a giant

who wrestled me and I came down

with his golden goose?

I'd believe you.

Oh, cousin, show a little judgment.

I could lose my mind, you know.