Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* There's flame in my heart like a long friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Okay, Cousin Billy, nice talking to you.

Uh, I tell Cousin Larry, you're coming.

He's going to be so happy to see his brother.

Yeah. Huh?

Oh. Ciao to you, too, guy.

Lydia, you'll never guess who just called.

Larry's brother Billy?

Get out of the city!

You read my mind.

You must have PMS.

Thanks, Harriette. Uh-huh.

Cousin, the most wonderful news.

Your brother Billy called.

Billy My brother Billy called?

Uh, Cousin Billy just called

and he said that tomorrow he's jetting in from Paris.

And that, uh, he'll only be in town for a couple of hours,

but he was hoping that we could do lunch.

And I've never done lunch before, so,

I... He made it sound so easy, I said, "Yes."

Let's savor this moment.

Well, I gotta go.

That's the same look my husband gets when I tell him

my mother's comin' to dinner.

Let me guess, your brother's a deadbeat, right?

He only shows up to borrow money?

Worse. Billy's successful.

He owns his own company. Jets around the world.

Has a villa in Monte Carlo.

He's Mr. Perfect.

And he never lets me forget it.

Oh, what's the big deal, Larry?

You go to lunch, you listen to him brag,

stick him with the check.

Well, he might expect me to pay.

See, I got tired of Billy's bragging

so I did a little bragging of my own.

About what?

Well, about a lot of things.

So you exaggerated a little bit.

Well, the most recent thing I told him was that

I'm City Editor of The Chronicle.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave."

I think when Billy gets here, he'll figure out

you are not the City Editor.

he's gonna torture me for the rest of my life.

Well, "What goes around comes around."

Well, it hasn't come around yet.

I mean, I've fooled him for two years

surely I can fool him for two hours.

I'll get Balki to back me up.

and by the time Billy gets back on that Boeing,

he'll believe I'm Ben Bradley.

You're babbling, baby.

Balki's not gonna go along with this.

He is the most, honest person in the world.

What's so funny?

He really got me good playing Appleton Snow Job.

Appleton Snow Job? Yeah.

What that?

Oh, that's a game we play in my family.

You make up the biggest story you can think of

and you try to make your brother believe it.

Oh!

Billy and I are gonna have such fun!

Oh, right.

Cousin, do you suppose that I could play, too?

Oh, Balki, I don't know. It's...

It's hard to play with more than two players.

Oh, please? I want to play Appleton Snow Job.

I don't think so...

No. I wanna play...

Oh...

What the heck? You're in. Okay.

Cousin, I'm going to play Appleton Snow Job.

How do we play?

First, we have to make up a story.

Ooh! I know.

No.

Ooh! I know.

What if I tell him I run the advertising department?

No.

I've got it.

I'll tell Billy I'm City Editor of The Chronicle.

No. Little over the top.

Balki, Balki. Very original, though.

City Editor is worth 50 points.

It is?

Wow!

You really are good at this game.

When it comes to Snow Job,

I'm better than you know.

But how're we gonna pull this off?

Ooh!

I mean, Billy's coming to the paper for lunch

right from the airport and we can't exactly ask Mr. Burns to leave his office?

everyday at exactly one o'clock.

By golly! You're right. I hadn't thought of that.

What would convince Billy I'm City Editor?

What if I brought in a few personal things

just to make the office look like mine?

Oh, look!

This stuff would be perfect.

Wow!

You are one Snow Job master.

Come on, Balki, Billy's on his way up.

Balki, get the picture on the wall.

Not that picture!

Cousin, wouldn't it, wouldn't it have been easier

to just let Mr. Burns in on the game?

Psst. He's comin' down the hall.

Well stall him a minute. Okay.

Wait a minute.

I thought you said you couldn't play with four.

But she's not playing. She's an alternate.

Mr. Appleton to see you, Mr. Appleton.

Billy!

Larry!

I hope you got the brains.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Hey, you look good.

Put on a little weight.

Well, success will do that.

You must be Balki.

Cousin Billy! Oh!

I'm so glad to meet you.

You know, if there's anything at all that you need.

Socks, deodorant, toenail clipper,

don't hesitate to say the word.

Because, any brother of Cousin Larry's

is a cousin of mine.

Okay.

So, uh, come on in, sit down.

So, uh, Billy...

What do you think of my office?

You think this is big,

It's as big as a basement.

You have two offices?

BALKI: Pretty well?

Pretty well?

They treat this man as if he were Prince Valium.

After all, he's the youngest publisher in Chicago.

Balki...

I thought you were City Editor?

Well, I am, but...

Oh, cousin, I didn't tell you,

while you were having breakfast with Ted Koppel.

You got a promotion.

But I haven't accepted yet.

Wow. Who is this?

Don't tell me this is the lady in your life.

Lady in his life?

Lady in his life?

Ha!

What was the question?

Who is this? Oh, that's Jennifer.

She just happens to be Cousin Larry's fiance

and a former Miss Costa Rica.

Uh, listen, uh, we're gonna be late.

Uh, my car's in the shop,

so we're gonna have to take a cab.

Okay. Oh, Cousin.

Helicopter?

Cousin, what a great game!

You know, you should really call Parker brothers

and ask them if they wanna make a home version of Appletons.

No joke. Balki...

Did you see Cousin Billy's face

when I told him that NASA wants you

to be the first journalist on the moon?

Balki... Cousin, question.

If Cousin Billy is on his way to the airport,

uh, when are we going to tell him that we fooled him

so that we can all have the laugh riot of our lives?

Balki,

I've gotta tell you the truth.

What?

I made it all up.

Oh!

Come on, you crazy, son of a goat, you.

It's got to be a game.

Otherwise, what is it?

It's just a big pack of lies.

Well, I wouldn't call it a big pack of lies.

You lied to me.

You lied to Cousin Billy.

You made me lie to Cousin Billy.

Have I left anything out?

Balki, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you into this.

It's just, I couldn't let Billy know

I'm not as successful as he is.

Well, Cousin, you just got to tell Cousin Billy the truth.

And I will. You will?

I will. You will?

I will. When?

The very next time I see him.

Well, I should hope so.

Unfortunately, that could be two or three years.

Until then, I'll just have to bear the burden of my guilt.

Appleton.

What?

Wait. Yeah, sure!

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Who was that? Billy.

His flight got canceled, he's gonna spend the night with us.

Lucky break, huh?

Well...

Did you?

Did you tell Cousin Billy the truth?

I told Billy everything he needs to know, and more.

Oh, Cousin. Ah!

I'm so proud of you.

Don't you feel good? Never felt better.

In fact, uh, Billy and I are gonna go out to dinner,

you know, to tell some more truth.

So, why don't you go over to Jennifer and Mary Anne's?

I think they have some fresh popcorn.

Larry, does Balki have a lint brush?

Oh, hi, Balki. Hi, Cousin Billy.

This is a nice little place you have here.

Do you have a lint brush? Uh, yes, in my lint drawer.

Oh, all right, I didn't know.

I should've looked there first.

you puttin' us up, while Larry's gettin' his townhouse remodeled.

Thanks.

Well, you big, fat liar.

You didn't tell him the truth.

You let me walk around the block in the cold,

freezing my buttocks off for an hour

so that you could tell him about your alleged townhouse?

If Jiminy Cricket were here, he'd puke in his hat.

Balki, try to understand.

For the first time, Billy is treating me with respect.

You can't. Why not?

This is between two brothers

and lies between brothers are sacred.

Cousin, would you listen to yourself?

Why are you so afraid to tell Cousin Billy the truth?

He's just like you.

He puts his pants on one leg at a time.

Just that he does it so much more effectively.

Well, I hope I'm not overdressed.

Oh, darn! I left my tuxedo at the townhouse.

But, uh, no problem, we'll just go someplace that's tuxedo optional.

Bye, Balki.

Wait, wait, wait, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin.

What's the hurry? Listen.

You don't want to eat on an empty stomach.

Come and sit down.

Let's have a nice little talk.

You know, on Mypos, we have a ritual.

When two brothers have not seen each other for a long time,

they have to sit and listen to the story of The Brothers of Zockibodbud.

Long, long ago,

on an island far, far away,

there lived the brothers, Zockibodbud.

Mookey and Glinkey.

And when they were little boys they loved each other.

And then, they grew up.

And, uh, Mookey had everything

that a man could want.

He had a fine farm,

and wonderful family,

and friends that were super.

But, Mookey was sulky, because his brother Glinkey had a bigger farm.

And a more wonderful family.

And friends that were just a little more super.

Well, that story made me hungry.

Let's go eat. Okay.

Envy ate at Mookey's heart.

It gnawed and burrowed like an acid in a rose bud.

Mookey decided that he would try to appear

to be better than Glinkey by lying.

If Glinkey had a ram, Mookey say that he had two rams.

If Glinkey had a fine horse,

Mookey said he had a BMW.

This went on for years.

And Mookey piled lie upon lie,

and the ditch between them grew wider and wider.

One day, Mookey looked up,

and he was old and, lonely.

and, he realized, that what he wanted most in the world

was a brother to love.

And he told to himself,

I will tell Glinkey the truth

and then we can love each other again.

So he began the long journey to Glinkey's house.

And it was difficult for an old man,

but he didn't know this

because the thought of holding Glinkey in his arms again

carried him forward.

When he got to Glinkey's house,

it was too late.

And Mookey realized that a man

who lives with lies lives alone.

Billy...

I can't take it anymore!

I don't wanna end up like Mookey.

Billy? It's lies.

It's all lies. I don't own a company.

I don't even have a jet. It's a rented tuxedo.

Cufflinks are mine.

Very nice. Understated, but...

But all the fancy addresses?

Monte Carlo? Rio

I get deals.

You... You mean you've lied to me all these years?

I know it was wrong. I'm sorry.

Oh, don't feel bad, Cousin Billy.

Please.

I think Cousin Larry has something to say to you.

Don't you, Cousin Larry?

Yes, uh, of course I do.

Billy...

Billy,

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Cousin,

don't you have a little bit more you want to say?

Billy, look,

there's nothing to forgive or be ashamed of.

I've been doing the same thing.

No, no, I mean, I've lied.

I'm not the City Editor at the paper.

I don't own a townhouse.

Jennifer and I aren't engaged.

But she does like me.

Larry, why would you lie to me?

Are you kidding?

All my life I've had to live up to you.

Billy, the great athlete.

Billy, the most popular guy at school.

I got tired of Mom and Dad always saying,

"Why can't you be more like your brother Billy?"

Well, how do you think I liked it when they kept saying,

"Why can't you be more like your brother Larry?

"Look how good his grades are.

"Look how neat he keeps his room.

Look how well he irons."

Gosh.

when we should've been resenting Mom and Dad.

Look, Larry, let's just start all over again, all right?

Let's stop all this lying

and be good brothers.

I'd like that.

Me too.

That was beautiful.

You know, I think someday

you both are going to look back on this

and realize that this was the moment

you really became brothers.

That this was the moment

you really stepped in something good.