Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Balki.

Do we have any dental floss left?

Oh, no cousin, I tied the last of it around

my finger to remind me

to buy dental floss.

Oh, great.

Just when I could really use the confidence

a good flossing gives me.

Hey, cousin, I...

I gotta get to the Paper early.

I've got a lot of work to do.

Mr. Burns is taking me to lunch today.

Mmm, cousin, that's wonderful.

It ain't every day your boss take you to lunch.

It isn't any day.

He's never done it.

Mmm. All right, I got my lucky tie.

My lucky socks, my lucky pen.

My lucky pen.

Balki, have you seen my lucky pen?

Many times, cousin.

But I look at it again if you want.

There it is. What's it doing here?

Oh, po-po. I forgot.

I use it to write a letter to mama.

Cousin, did you know that if you shake the fountain pen

so that a big glob of ink come on the paper

and then you stick the tip of your pen in the glob

it will suck the ink right back up inside itself?

I show you.

Balki, you want to write a letter to your Mama,

here are pens. Use any of them you like.

Do not use my lucky pen!

Well, excuse me for being a good son.

My keys. Where are my keys?

Are you talking about your regular keys or your lucky keys?

Balki, I've lost my car keys!

No, you haven't, I know where they are.

You do

I give them to Jennifer.

You gave my car keys to Jennifer?

Well, of course I did, don't be ridiculous.

Your car wouldn't start without them.

Jennifer had to go to the airport

and her car wouldn't work, so I give her your car.

My car? Yes.

She was very grateful. She give me a hug.

A big one.

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

Cousin, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I have a stinkin' feeling.

Are you angry with me?

Yes! Yes, I am angry!

Because of you, I can't floss

I wasted precious time looking for my lucky pen

and now I have to take the bus which leaves in five minutes!

Wait, wait, wait. Cousin, please, don't go.

I... I'm sorry, I almost ruined your day but, but don't go.

We have to talk about it.

I don't want to talk to you.

But cousin, I could get dressed,

or we can talk about it when we get to work,

or we could talk about it on our coffee break or...

You, mail-boy.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Van Wisser, having a nice day?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

You know something, I'm not either.

that would have curdled your hair.

There were 20 messages from Mrs. Porterfield on my desk.

Didn't you mail my RSVP to her daughter's wedding?

Well, of course I did.

Thank goodness, we wouldn't want the most important

society editor in town to miss it.

Well, of course we wouldn't. Don't be ridiculous.

Me, you cretin.

Oh, po-po! I'm not a Cretan, I'm a Mypiot.

But we're often mistaken for Cretans

because there is a certain, uh, similarity in the bone structure

and the long tapering face and, uh,

somewhat lugubrious nose and, uh...

Oh. Who cares? As long as you mailed the RSVP.

Well, I did,

What little note?

You know, the one you clipped to the outside

of the envelope that says,

"I wouldn't miss this marriage for the world.

"It must have cost the old bag

"a bundle to marry off her daughter.

"Remind me to send a sympathy card to the groom."

Now, you find a Cretan who can remember that.

You sent that note to Mrs. Porterfield?

Yes, and you don't have to thank me now.

It's just part of my job,

just part of my job.

That was a note to my secretary.

Oh, well, that's where you made your mistake.

When you want to send something to your secretary,

you use an inter-office envelope.

And that way you save 22 cents.

You're going to pay for this.

Well...

Okay, but just this once.

Next time you buy your own stamps.

Thank you, Harry.

Cousin. Cousin.

Can we talk now?

Cousin.

Cousin, please, stand still and talk to me.

Balki, I am having a bad day.

I got pushed off the bus at the wrong stop,

my lucky pen leaked,

Cousin, I know you're nervous about your lunch today,

but, listen, on Mypos we have a saying,

and I'm gonna skip right to the English,

'cause I know you're in a hurry.

When you have an argument with a friend

you've got to stop right now and talk about it,

otherwise your anger will grow and fester inside of you

until you explode like a cat on a hot tin roof.

So...

we talk, talk when you get back?

I'll be right here.

Well, if they let me pack a gun,

crooks would think twice about robbing this joint.

If they let you pack a gun,

Hi, Harriette. Hi, Jimmy.

I'm goin' to lunch.

Can I, can I wear it?

That's a big 10-4, good buddy.

Oh, well, of course it is. Don't be ridiculous.

Is that a yes or a no?

It's a yes.

Be careful of that nightstick.

You might put someone's eye out.

Cousin.

Cousin.

What's his problem?

I am.

Cousin Larry's very angry with me.

Oh, I know all about that kind of thing.

My husband has two moods, angry and angrier.

But Harriette, he won't even talk to me.

He won't even stand still long enough to talk to me.

Well, you know what I do when my husband behaves like Larry?

I make him get in the car and I drive

until he decides to talk about it.

Does it work? Keeps my marriage together.

And we've seen all 50 states.

You know, I would love to take a car ride with Cousin Larry,

but we don't have a car,

and I think that's part of the reason he's mad at me.

Well, listen, honey, if you want things

to be right between you two,

no matter what it takes.

why don't you take the window?

I'll see you later, baby. Thank you.

Bye.

Mmm.

Cousin, are you sure you don't...

Balki, leave me alone.

Those are hand cuffs.

What are you doing?

They don't come off until you talk to me.

Balki, take these cuffs off.

Not until you talk to me.

Open these cuffs!

Balki, if you don't take these... All right.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm over it.

Now, why don't you take these cuffs off?

Give me the key!

Talk first, key second.

Oh! Stop it. Stop it, stop it. Would you stop it?

Okay, look, but you... Oh, oh, oh, no...

All right, All right.

Balki, what do you want from me?

Cousin, I want to be friends again.

I want you to tell me what it is I did wrong,

where it is I went wrong?

Look, you don't loan a person's car

without asking their permission!

your ox-cart you lend them your ox-cart.

Balki, if we were talking about an ox-cart I wouldn't care,

but we're talking about my car. I love my car.

Cousin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I never, never do it again without asking your permission.

Well, that's all I ask.

Mmm.

I'm sorry I got so upset,

Oh, I know, I know.

Can we take these off? Oh, okay.

Appleton.

Uh, yes, sir.

Uh...

Will you excuse us, Bartokomous?

Appleton, I...

Appleton?

Excuse us, Balki.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm taking you to lunch.

Yes, as a matter of fact I was, sir.

Well, I didn't want to tell you before because

quite frankly, you're a little high-strung.

You know, I've noticed that myself,

this man is just gonna pop...

but I'll be right over here in case anybody needs me.

The other day...

Mr. Wainwright asked me which of my reporters

showed the most potential.

And in a very weak moment I mentioned your name.

Yes, he wants to meet you, so he's joining us for lunch.

Be at the restaurant at 1:00.

I'm meeting the publisher? Mr. Bainwright?

I mean Mr. Wainwright.

I hope I get his name right.

Appleton, you're babbling.

LARRY: Yes, sir.

Balki, did you hear that?

Well, of course I heard it, I was standing right here.

Balki, take these off. Okay.

Hurry. Okay.

I can do it quick... Cousin, I know how do it.

The key broke.

Well, now you've done it.

Hello, I am Marcel, your maitre d'.

I'm Larry Appleton, I'm with the Burns' party.

I'll check on your table.

Uh, perhaps you would like to look at our menu?

Thank you.

Balki, we're in luck.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Wainwright aren't here yet.

We'll sit at tables that are next to each other.

If we keep our hands out of sight

no one will know we're handcuffed.

Ah! Mr. Burns?

This way, sir. I'll be with you in a moment.

We're not together, but we'd like to sit near each other.

We get lonely easily.

Of course.

Here are two tables.

Are they close enough?

Yes, this is fine.

I think things are going well, don't you?

Ahem!

R.T., this is Larry Appleton.

How do you do?

Oh, well.

I always sit in the no smoking section, it's healthier.

Ordinarily, I'd agree.

Uh, but while I was waiting for you I had a chance to study

the air currents wafting, wafting through the room.

And I noticed that the smoke is being blown

directly into the no smoking area.

So, that while it may seem that the no smoking section

is healthier than the smoking section, the truth is...

Appleton, you're babbling.

Yes, sir.

Why don't we sit at another table?

First time in a restaurant, Appleton?

Pull yourself together!

Oh.

You know, I think you handled that rather well.

Thank you.

All right, I'll sit there, you sit there, come on.

Oh! There's somebody sitting at that table!

Uh, sorry about that air current thing,

it's just that I'm so nervous about meeting

the paplisher of the publer.

The peeblisher of the pobler.

The publisher of the paper.

Is it getting warm in here?

Appleton, will you for God's sake sit down!

Yes, sir.

Hello.

Oh, Mrs. Van Wisser.

Young man, are you being paid to destroy me?

If you aren't out of here in ten seconds,

I am calling the police.

Excuse me for just one moment.

So, Larry, tell me

Well, an interesting story. I started out as a photographer...

Wo...

Cousin, I've got to talk to you.

Balki, not now.

Appleton, what are you doing?

I dropped a contact lens.

Cousin, I'm sitting with Mrs. Van Wisser

and she has made it very clear that she wants to dine alone.

Cousin, I've got to get out of here.

Balki, you can't. Yes, I can.

Sorry, I just thought that...

Oh, ah! I'll, I'll be right back.

What are you doing?

Mrs. Van Wisser will call the police!

Balki, if I don't go back to that table

I'm going to lose my job!

No, no.

Uh, I was just looking for a chair for my friend.

Oh! Here's one.

Come on. Just follow my lead.

BOTH: Hi!

Hi?

Small world.

I thought I saw my cousin Balki

and, well, sure enough I did.

Big deal, you work together.

Yes, but he is such an interesting man

that if he's gone for more than a minute, your life gets boring.

Uh, Mr. Wainwright, Balki Bartokomous.

A pleasure.

Balki's from Mypos.

An ambidextrous island.

But, uh, where are our manners?

Uh, Balki, won't you join us?

Oh, I couldn't possibly. Oh, please.

Oh, no, absolutely out of the question.

Oh, you must.

I insist. Well, just this once.

Just where is Mypos, Mr. Bartokomous?

Well, it's in the Southeastern Mediterranean.

That's funny, I thought I knew all the islands

Well, um, Mypos is very small.

During the war it was used for target practice.

Would you like some food of your own, Bartokomous?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is fine! So full. This is fine.

Oh, well, we enjoy doing things together.

Did I mention that we're cousins?

Were your parents cousins, too?

Is there something wrong with your left hand, young man?

I notice you don't use it at all.

No, no, I just... I like to save it

for emergencies.

Emergencies? Yes.

Of course.

But enough about me!

Uh, more bread, Mr. Wainwright?

Ooh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

I, I, I...

Appleton, you'd better have a good explanation for this!

Oh! Oh! Eh... Explanation!

Oh, you dood I be. You di dee boo. You bet I do.

This... This could happen to anyone.

It happened to me. It happened to him.

Cousin, you're babbling.

Well, nip feedle stip net.

So, what could I do?

Well, it's a great pleasure to meet you boys.

Oh, you were right, Harry.

Appleton, I hope you realize you're very lucky!

Yes, yes, sir, I, I know, sir. I know. I, I...

Mmm, we're lucky we didn't have to go to the men's room.

Good point.

Cousin. What?

I got to say something.

None of this would have happened if...

I know. Cousin...

None of this would have... I know.

You're going to say that none of this would have happened

if I had talked to you when I was angry.

I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Oh, cousin, that's very nice.

That isn't actually what I was going to say.

What I was going to say is

none of this would have happened if I had just been patient

and waited for you to find a time to talk to me.

I was just trying to follow my Myposian proverb.

Well, Balki, nobody enjoys a good Myposian proverb more than I do.

But life is a little more complicated in America.

You might have to adjust your proverbs.

Well, I guess they could use some fine-tuning.

You know, on Mypos when we say we have to talk right now,

it's not so much a problem

because there's really nothing else to do.

How was your lunch?

What happened?

You two guys look like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier.

Well, actually, you both look like Tony Curtis.

Oh, it's a long story.

Have you seen Jimmy?

Maybe he's got another key to these things.

Oh, sure I have. He went to the hospital.

His wife is having a baby.

BOTH: Ohh...