Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothin' to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

Big plans tonight, Harriette?

Well, I was thinking about going to a nice restaurant.

Having a romantic dinner.

Maybe dancing till dawn.

But I guess I should go home to my husband.

Oh, is it quitting time already?

I got to reading some of my old advice columns

and lost track of time.

Damn, I'm good.

You better be good.

I'll make it.

I have not missed a deadline yet.

That's because you get other people to do your work.

Once in five years

I asked you for a tiny bit of advice

to fill out a column.

You took my tiny bit of advice

and turned it into a five-part series.

I'll get that.

Why, Harriette, I may be neurotic.

I may be panic-prone.

And yes, I will admit I have a fear of polyester.

But... I am not a thief.

Okay, you're not a thief.

You're just out of your mind.

I can't believe this is happening.

Lighten up, Larry.

We do this all the time.

No. No. That was the DA's office.

They called to tell me that Vince Lucas has been paroled.

Who is Vince Lucas?

About a year ago, Balki and I were supposed

to be witnesses against him.

On the day of the trial Vince called me over

to correct any misunderstanding

Balki and I might have had about testifying.

Obviously, you're not getting what I'm telling you.

Maybe it's the world we live in.

A person doesn't know who to believe anymore.

Like, a lot of people go around making idle threats.

I don't. I make good on my promises.

If you and your pal testify, I'll get you.

Even if I go to jail

I'll get you no matter how long it takes.

Someday you'll be in a dark place.

You'll sense someone behind you.

You'll feel a twinge of pain.

Things will start getting grey.

You'll have an out-of-body experience...

Permanently.

Now, do you understand what I'm saying?

You'll get me.

So, Balki and I testified anyway.

And Vince was sent to prison. That's good.

And now Vince is back on the street.

That's bad.

What should you do?

A convicted felon who has vowed to seek revenge upon you

was paroled today and you don't know what to do?

Get the hell out of town, Larry.

I've gotta tell Balki.

Do you know where he is?

Oh, my God.

Vince has got Balki.

Poor little guy.

He didn't even have a chance.

I hope he didn't suffer.

You go and find Balki.

And I'll stay here and slap her.

I've gotta find Balki before Vince does.

* It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

* It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

* If you ever want to be loved by anyone

* It's not unusual

* To find that I'm in love with you

* Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa *

Balki Bartokomous...

I've been looking forward to this day.

Me, too.

So...

How was prison?

Well, Joliet was nice but it was no Leavenworth.

Well, we got to get you settled.

I've got everything you need all laid out for you.

I've got, uh, a sheepskin, in case you get cold

and a brand-new Masters of the Universe toothbrush

and the shower cap is complimentary.

I can't believe you're doing this for me.

Oh, go on with you.

Well, I know it's been a long trip down from up the river

so why don't you make yourself comfortable

and we'll be having dinner in about 30 minutes.

Balki?

Balki?

Hey, Balki. Hi, cousin.

Oh, I'm glad you're alive.

Well, I'm glad to be alive.

Cousin? Cousin. Cousin.

If you just...

Cousin, if you just stand still one second

I have a surprise for you.

I have something important to tell you.

You can surprise me later.

But, I want to tell you my surprise now...

I found out Vince Lucas was paroled today.

All right, help me move the sofa in front of the door.

No... Help me.

Hey, Appleton.

How's it going?

Surprise!

Larry, I want to thank you. Oh!

You know, it's not everybody

who would let an ex-con move in with them.

Are you kidding?

We'll gonna be the envy of the neighborhood.

Cousin,

Cousin Larry is so excited the cat ate his tongue.

Okay, we're gonna have dinner pretty soon.

Let me see.

Okay, we know where we have to go.

Oh, yeah. Right. Uh, we'll talk later.

Well, of course you can.

What is he doing here?

More to the point, what am I doing here?

We're hiding until I figure out what Vince is doing here.

Well, well, I... I invited him.

And he accepted.

Isn't that nice?

Are you crazy?

You seem upset.

Yes, yes, I'm upset!

There's a killer in the bathroom.

Oh, cousin, he's not a killer!

He, he... He was a thief, and a loan shark

and there was the occasional assault

with a deadly weapon but he was not a killer.

Oh, well, what the heck? Give him my room.

Well, I didn't think it would be fair without asking first.

Cousin, on Mypos when a criminal is released from prison

he is given to one of the nice families on the island

so that he can learn to be a good person.

And, and for the family that gets him, it's a great honor.

And I don't want to brag, but...

my family...

we had two arsonists stay with us.

This is America!

We don't take convicts into our homes!

Oh, po, po, cousin.

Now I understand what got your dandruff up.

Let me relieve you of your mind.

Vince is a changed person.

He studied photography in prison.

Photography?

Yeah, and he's got a job all lined up.

And he's going to be a photographer's assistant

but the job don't start for two days.

And he don't have a place to stay for those two days.

How do you know all this?

I've been writing him ever since he went to jail.

Haven't you?

No.

No. Is that part of this Mypos thing, too?

You can't just send a person to jail and forget about him.

Cousin, believe me, Vince is not here to kill us.

He just wants a new fleece on life

and we have to help him.

You really trust this guy?

Illicitly.

Well...

it's just a couple of days.

I guess can go without sleep that long.

Cousin, please, believe me.

Nothing is going to happen.

After all, if we both ended up dead

I'd have to live with it the rest of my life.

Cousin, where do you want to go to for lunch today?

Well, why don't we go to McMahon's?

Okay. Vince will be here any minute.

Vince?

Yeah, Vince.

Our VIP. Very important prisoner.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

What am I thinking? I can't go to lunch today.

Why not?

Why not?

Well, how come you eat breakfast?

Whoa, because the actual holiday

doesn't kick in until after... Noon.

And, uh, oh, darn it.

It's five minutes after.

Maybe next time.

Wait a minute.

Cousin, I can read you like a scroll.

You're not fasting.

You're avoiding Vince.

You still don't trust him.

Cousin, the way you're acting,

I wouldn't be surprised

Balki, it's hard to trust a man who might kill me in my sleep.

But, cousin, you're not even trying.

I don't think you really believe Vince is a changed man.

Bingo.

Don't change the subject.

Well, he threatened me, too, but I trust him.

How do you do that? Cousin, it's easy.

You, you just, you know, trust him a little bit

and then you trust him a little bit more

and then you trust him a lot more.

You can start small.

Loan him your car.

Hi, guys. Boy, life is good.

You know, they let me in the building

without a strip-search.

BALKI: Hi, Vince.

I could kill for a chili dog, right now.

Cousin

Yeah. Sure.

Why not? I tell you what, Vince.

Why don't you drive?

Oh, thanks.

It'll be good to drive again.

Hey, you guys ever see the car chase

in The French Connection?

Ah, uh-uh, no trouble, Mr. Denagree.

I'm still starting work tomorrow.

I just need some photography advice.

I want to take a picture of the guys I'm staying with.

You know, frame it, then give it to 'em

as a gift for being so nice to me.

VINCE: But I want it to be a surprise.

But the problem is every time I try to get a shot off

this one guy Larry is watching me.

Well, I... Well, I thought about shooting them in their sleep, but...

VINCE: I really wanted their eyes to be open.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're probably right.

It, uh, won't be much of a surprise

but at least it will get the job done.

I'll just sit them down tomorrow morning

and shoot them both.

Thanks, boss. I'll see you later.

Balki. Balki, wake up.

Vince is going to kill us.

Now, cousin, you had a bad dream.

Go back to bed.

Balki, I'm serious.

Vince is going to shoot us first thing tomorrow morning.

He told me himself he's not a morning person.

Balki.

Balki.

Balki!

I'm not making this up.

I really do, but it's not working!

I just heard Vince on the phone planning our murders.

Cousin, are you sure?

This never happened on Mypos.

Of course, we couldn't barbecue when they were there.

Balki.

I'm sure the criminals on Mypos

are a darn fine bunch of people.

Unfortunately, Vince is a lemon.

No. I think he's a Pisces.

I mean, he hasn't reformed.

Lots of killers are nice.

Lizzie Borden was homecoming queen.

Oh, hi, guys.

Vince, you're up.

Yeah, been up for a while, I couldn't sleep.

I had a nightmare.

The same one I've had ever since I went to prison.

Well, we all have bad dreams.

Why don't we turn in and think happy thoughts?

You know, it's a funny thing.

Get out of the city!

We were in your dream?

It's just the three of us in this room with no doors.

except I don't have the straitjacket on.

Did you ever have the dream where you couldn't run?

Well, the dream always happens the same way.

Uh, I talk real nice to you

tell you a few jokes.

Then, when we're laughing and having fun

I grab you!

Then with my bare hands

I squeeze your necks tighter and tighter

feeling the bones crack under my thumbs

feeling the life drain from your pathetic little bodies.

Oh, sorry, uh...

Did you ever have a nightmare that was so real

that you felt that you were living it?

Well...

Well...

Well...

It's been fun reminiscing like this.

But I think I'll turn in.

Before you go, Larry,

I got something I was gonna wait until the morning to do

but since we're all up,

I might as well do it now.

I'll be right back.

We'll be right here.

What's going on? Going on?

Nothing's going on, is there, Balki?

No, no. Nothing's going on.

We were just...

measuring ourselves.

What you got there, Vince?

You'll see.

Stand over there.

Now's our chance. Grab him!

I've been hit.

Getting shot isn't as bad as I thought.

Your mind shuts down.

Cousin, Vince don't have a gun gun.

Vince has a flash gun.

Just like yours.

Look.

Very nice.

Well, why would I have a gun?

Well, Cousin Larry thought

that he heard you on the phone

telling someone you were going to shoot us.

I was talking to the guy I'm gonna to work for.

I wanted to shoot a picture of you.

You know, frame it and give it to you

as a way of paying you back

for all the things you've... You've done for me.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, Vince, I... I feel awful.

I am so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

You guys thought I was going to shoot you?

Balki didn't.

He... He had faith in you.

He trusted you right from the beginning.

This is all my fault.

God, Vince, can you, can you ever forgive me?

You thought I was gonna shoot you with a gun?

Yes.

This is great!

A gun! I love it!

You know, I haven't laughed

this much since the Newhart show.

Not the new one, the old one with Suzanne Pleshette.

This is great.

You know...

I might actually be able to sleep now.

VINCE: Goodnight, guys.

Booga booga!

You guys kill me!

Balki, guess what came in the mail today.

Vince sent us the picture he took of us.

Oh, cousin, isn't that nice! Yeah.

Just goes to show you what a little trust can do.

Okay, I admit

I was a little skeptical at first

but from now on Larry Appleton will go out of his way,

will bend over backwards,

will walk that extra mile to help his fellow man

back on the straight and narrow path.

Oh, cousin. That's nice.

I think Willie will be happy to hear that.

Willie

Oh, Willie the Weasel.

He and Vince were roommates in prison.

And so, I invited him to come and stay here when he gets out.

Balki...

You know, the thing is I'm not sure when he's coming.

Because he said after he goes over the wall

then he has to lay low until the heat dies down.

So I guess that means we'll see him...

Early fall?