Original subtitles

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothin' to rearrange

* Sometimes you just

* Get a feelin' like you need

* Some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* And my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

Cousin, hold on to your pants!

And fasten your neck brace

because I'm gonna show you something

that's gonna make your head spin like Linda Blair.

Look.

New watch?

No, uh-uh...

More than a new watch.

It's a, it's a Rolex!

With, with solid quartz crystal

and genuine Swiss movements

and if you look at it in a certain light,

you can see

up your nose.

Balki, Rolexes are very expensive.

Well, I guess I really stepped in something good this time.

Yeah, let me look at it. No, no.

Come, on, let me see your new watch.

No, no. I don't think so.

Well, why not?

Well, why look at my watch,

when you can look at your own watch!

Yes, Cousin Larry Appleton!

Your very own watch!

Tell us about it, Balki.

Well, Balki, it's a Rolex

with solid quartz crystal and genuine Swiss movement,

automatic day and date display.

Promotional consideration by Bartokomous of Mypos.

Back to you, cousin.

Well, this is a Rolex, all right.

Well...

Oh.

The stem came off.

And the crystal.

And the back.

Is this a kit?

Where'd you buy this?

From Leon.

Leon

Leon. The human discount department store.

All of the merchandise, none of the parking problem.

And I bet he gave you a good deal, right?

Well, you can say that again.

He let me have it for $38.95.

Balki...

Leon is a crook.

These watches are counterfeit.

You've been ripped off.

Wait a minute.

And that these watches are counterfeit?

And that I've been ripped off?

Yes.

What's your point?

My point is, first thing tomorrow morning

we are going down to the police and tell them about this Leon.

You didn't buy anymore watches from him, did you?

Well, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

I just bought Mary Anne this priceless pearl necklace.

Leon said it used to belong to Elvis Presley.

LARRY: Going to the police department was a complete waste of time.

Let me guess.

You're upset.

We're more than upset.

We're...really upset.

What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

Tell her, cousin.

A scam artist sold Balki two phony watches

and a necklace of no value whatsoever,

so we went to the police and, quite frankly,

they were no help at all.

They said, "Don't call us, we'll call us."

The police department is incompetent,

inefficient, and stinks on ice.

I wasn't finished.

They're also overworked, underpaid,

and unappreciated.

Don't kiss up, baby.

Can't your husband help us?

Well, he could, but he's in Homicide.

Well, when he gets back, can't he give us a call?

No, uh, you see, honey,

Homicide isn't a place.

It's, uh...

I'll give him the message.

Well, nothing to be done.

I guess Princess Di is cast.

No use crying over spilt curd.

It's just not right.

Hoodlums operating out in the open,

taking advantage of the little people.

I know.

Wait a minute.

What am I thinking of?

Is it a number between one and ten?

Good guess, but no.

Twelve? No.

Uh, is it bigger than a head cheese?

All right, Balki.

Just let me tell you what I'm thinking.

in the city, and we're wondering what to do

about a measly scam artist?

That's what you were thinking?

How is a person supposed to guess that?

Balki, I'm a reporter. We can expose Leon.

We can infiltrate the whole operation.

We can put those guys out of business.

Let me get this straight.

You and I, two complete amateurs,

are going to go down and fool people

who make their living fooling people?

Right.

I don't think so.

Come on, Balki. We have certain advantages.

We have the element of surprise.

I know what I'm doing. I've already figured out a plan.

You introduce me to Leon as a big time player

a mover and a shaker.

but we only want to deal with the boss.

Bruce Springsteen is involved in this?

Not "The Boss." Leon's boss.

His supplier. We'll set up a meeting in a couple of days.

That'll give us time to get the newspaper involved.

They'll give us marked money.

We'll make the buy and blow their operation wide open.

It'll be just like

Miami Vice.

You and me, undercover.

Can I be Don Johnson?

Sure.

You got it.

Balki?

Aren't you taking this Miami Vice thing

a little too far?

Now, wait just a minute.

Isn't that a bit like

Pa Kettle calling Ma Kettle black?

Balki, this is my disguise.

I'm pretending to be a tough guy.

Well, if Leon buys that,

he'd buy some of his own watches.

Watch this.

Que pasa, bro? What's happening?

Where's the action?

First day undercover?

All right, I'll lose the accent.

You call that an accent?

BALKI: Look, cousin, there he is. There's Leon.

Let's go.

Excuse me, Mr. Leon. Uh, we, we want to talk...

Hey, hey, hey.

No refunds, man. No way.

Oh, no. I don't want a refund. You don't?

No, I want to introduce you to my friend, Cousin Larry.

He's a big-time player.

He's a mover and a shaker.

And, uh... and, um...

Wait, wait, wait. Balki.

I want to buy a lot of watches.

I can move them on the west side.

We're talking big bucks here.

How big?

Uh...

Three, four Gs.

Three, four Gs?

That's chump change!

Three, four Gs. Ha!

Try five Gs. Balki.

Try ten Gs. Balki.

Try 15 Gs. Balki.

Question, what's a G?

It's a thousand dollars.

Gee.

You sure you guys can get this kind of money?

We're sure.

There's one condition.

We only deal with the top man.

You can?

Uh...

Friday night good for everybody?

Tonight!

Midnight.

Right here.

Midnight? That only gives us an hour and a half.

Oh, out of the question.

How about Thursday morning over pancakes?

How about midnight?

My thought exactly. Cousin?

Good. I'm gonna go set it up.

Don't you guys try and pull anything funny,

or we'll hurt you.

And you'll never get well.

I'm ready to go, cousin.

Is this okay?

Fine.

Balki,

in your coat pocket.

The recorder will be hidden in your pocket.

When I say, "Let's make a deal,"

you turn it on.

When I say, "Let's make a deal."

Can you remember that? Well, of course I can.

Don't be ridiculous.

Here's the tape.

"Motown's Biggest Pop Hits"?

Are you sure you want to record over The Supremes?

Yes, I do.

Now, Balki, we're supposed to meet these guys

in half an hour.

The money's ready.

Let's get going.

Okay, cousin, um, before we go...

I think I ought to point out

one small but significant flaw

in your otherwise brilliant plan.

Um...

Somebody... I'm not naming names.

...forgot to put The President's face on this.

Blank green paper.

on the top of each stack of paper.

So that it looks like there's $15,000

in the briefcase.

Of course, they'll want to see the money.

But I will only let them look, not touch.

I will open the briefcase, like so...

Then I'll quickly close the briefcase, like so.

They will have seen the money,

Therefore, they will believe that there is $15,000

in fact in the briefcase.

Now can we go? Question.

What?

After you open the briefcase

aren't they going to grab the money?

Oh, I see.

You think they can grab the money

before I can close the briefcase.

That is correct.

Try it. Hmm?

Try it.

You wanna grab the money

Okay, smart guy, you got a better idea?

Well, of course I do. Don't be ridiculous.

Oh I do.

You do? I do.

But I'm sure there is one.

would have thought of it long ago.

Now, can we leave?

We have hoodlums waiting.

Wow, I've never been here this late.

I can't believe how quiet it is.

Yeah.

Too quiet.

Hello!

Will you stop it?

Well, I'm sorry.

Look, just stay cool.

When Leon gets here,

all we have to do is make the deal.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm turning on the tape recorder.

You gave me the signal. No. Not yet.

The signal is, "Let's make a deal."

Let's.

Oh. Okay, okay, I got it.

Now, just stay calm.

Yo! Oh.

Leon.

Okay, boys, let's make a deal.

No! Not yet! What?

No. Yes. Yes, Leon.

We told you.

We only deal with the boss.

The boss.

Mr. Big.

The top banana man.

The headless honcho. The guy...

He's got it. Okay.

You'll see him as soon as I see the money.

No dice.

We only show this money to one guy.

Right, Balki? Right, baby. One guy.

The Kingpin.

The Godfather.

The big cheese wiz.

The guy... He's got it.

Okay, okay.

Don't move.

Cousin, it's working.

Of course, it's working.

We're dealing with mental midgets.

These mental midgets have gigantic bodies.

This is Fat Jack.

Okay.

Let's make a deal.

Okay by me. This ain't no social call.

I said, let's make a deal.

Hey, I heard you. I'm pathological, not deaf.

Let's make a deal.

Fine by me, cousin.

I wanna get the heck out of here.

Excuse us.

Turn on the tape recorder!

Turn on the tape recorder!

Oh. Oh, oh, yes.

So, uh, you're the big player, huh?

Yes, he's the big player

You. Yes?

Shut up! Okay.

You, let's see the money.

The money?

You mean the $15,000

I'm giving you for the counterfeit watches?

The watches that you sell on the black carpet?

Ow! Who are these clowns?

Hey, they said they had the money.

Hey, open that up.

Oh, it's locked.

And, oh, darn,

I forgot the combination.

Yeah, well, maybe I can remember it for you.

Oh...

Goodness gracious.

That's just paper.

You guys are dead meat.

Hold it right there.

I'm packin' a heater.

A heater?

A rod. What?

A piece. Hmm?

A gun.

Oh. A gun. Right.

All right, everybody, up against the wall.

Move it!

You're bluffin'.

Don't tempt me.

I've got a scratchy trigger finger.

* Baby love, my baby love

* I need your love

* Oh, how I need your love... *

Hey, what was that?

Uh, Ain't No Mountain High Enough?

No. Sounded more like, uh, Love Child.

What's wrong with you people? That's Baby Love.

You guys ought to brush up on your Motown.

Let's get them.

911.

911.

911.

911.

911.

Well, now you've done it.

You're going to have to answer

to the phone company.

You know something?

Hold it right there! Police.

You're all under arrest.

Up against the wall. It's the police.

Boy, are we glad to see you.

Larry Appleton, Chicago Chronicle.

Cousin, it's the police.

And you said that they were incompetent and inefficient.

And...

Uh, and that they stink on ice.

You said that?

Well, I meant it in the nicest possible way.

Up against a wall.

"In a predawn undercover operation,

"Balki Bartokomous, arrested three men

"and seized a large quantity of counterfeit watches

"and other bogus jewelry."

Balki, they gave me a byline.

Yes, and they put your name on it.

So, cousin, all's well that ends.

Well.

Well what?

"All's well that ends well."

I just said that. No.

I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

You gonna be one heck of a reporter

if you live long enough.

We make a good team, don't we?

You can say that again.

Really?

I love Woodward and Bernstein.

Which one am I?

Joanne Woodward or Leonard Bernstein?