Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

"Attach lead wire-C to terminal-D."

Wednesday?

Yes.

But better than that.

This is the day we found out how to get rich.

Just like Miss Elvira Worth.

Who's Elvira Worth?

More to the point, what is Elvira Worth?

Listen to this. This come in the mail today.

"Miss Elvira Worth, a housewife from De Queen, Arkansas

"turned a $500 investment--"

I can't understand a word you're saying.

"turned a $500 investment--"

"Into--" "Millions--"

"Too." Hmm.

Balki, leave your money in the bank.

Forget about the stock market. You know nothing about it.

Well, of course I do. Don't be ridiculous.

On Mypos, I sell my sheep at the stock market.

No.

The stocks they buy and sell are shares in businesses.

Oh. That sounds more exciting than our stock market.

I bet it smells better, too, huh?

Are there any other pluses?

Well, uh, yes, there are.

Depending on whether the business makes money or not,

the value of your stock goes up or down.

Oh, I want the kind of stock that goes up.

That's very shrewd.

But sometimes your stock goes down.

No, I don't want that kind. No.

No one does.

Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing

whether your stock will go up or down.

No, cousin, I want you to help me buy stock.

It's very complicated. You could lose your shirt.

Your money, your money, you could lose your money.

You're not going to invest in the stock market and that's that.

Oh, that's that, is that?

All right, fine.

No skin off my head.

I'll just go ask Mary Anne to help me lose my money.

No, no, wait, wait. You don't wanna ask Mary Anne.

All right, look, if you're determined to do this,

I'll help you.

Oh, thank you, cousin. Hmm.

Now, here's the business section.

This is a listing of all the stocks.

Now, which one do you wanna buy?

There's so many.

Oh, hey, here's one I've heard good things about,

UniCorn.

Oh, I like unicorns.

You say that they don't sell animals.

You tried to fool Balki.

They make breakfast foods like, uh, Sugar Oatsies and Raisin Puffs.

Ooh, Raisin Puffs are my favorite.

* Of UniCorn Raisin Puffs *

How many shares can I buy?

Well, how much money do you wanna invest?

Thirty-eight dollars.

Thirty

All this is for $38?

And 10 cent.

All right, well...

If I lend you $1.90, you can buy one share.

Oh, boy! We can be partners.

No, no, consider it a gift.

Cousin, isn't it wonderful?

An hour ago, I was a babe in the woodpile.

I don't know nothing about the stock market.

And now, thanks to you,

I'm on my way to becoming a business typhoon.

Balki, a typhoon is a--

Tropical storm, I know that, I was just kidding.

Cut me some slack, cousin.

Jennifer and Mary Anne will be here any minute.

We have reservations for eight o'clock.

Cousin, I have a surprise for you.

I got my UniCorn stock certificate.

And you framed it.

Yes, I did.

Isn't it beautiful?

Yes, it's... Brightens up the whole room.

Oh.

Oh.

Will you stop that?

That's the girls.

Hi. Hi.

You look stunning, that's your color.

Thank you. I borrowed this outfit from Mary Anne.

Jennifer and Mary Anne, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, don't tell me. Let me guess.

No sense hurting yourself, Mary Anne.

Why don't you just let Balki tell us?

Better yet, why don't I just show you?

Hurry up.

This is it.

MARY ANNE: What are we supposed to be looking at?

Balki just bought his first share of stock

in the United Corn Corporation.

I own a piece of America.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

But the backbone of our company is Raisin Puffs,

the cereal chock-full of naturally-sweet raisins.

Raisins. They're nature's candy.

I'll get my car keys

and maybe we can get out of here

before he sings the jingle.

There aren't enough raisins.

That's impossible.

Raisin Puffs guarantees 100 raisins in every box.

Look, I'll show you.

So, you see, Raisin Puffs without the raisins

is like Snow White without her seven dorks.

Mary Anne may have been mistaken.

You bet your bottom digda she was, look at this.

See this?

Where are the raisins?

They must be in here.

Well, let's go.

Why does Balki have a box on his face?

He lost his raisins.

Right, okay. Ladies?

Why would they say that they put 100 raisins in every box,

and then they don't put 100 raisins in every box?

Well, maybe this is a signal to sell your stock, Balki.

BALKI: They must be in here.

Balki. Balki, what are you doing?

Remember, we have reservations.

Cousin, I'm in the middle of a company crisis.

I don't know what you're doing,

No, cousin, please, you go to the restaurant with Jennifer and Mary Anne

and I come to you when I'm finished.

Well, uh, let's go to the restaurant

and Balki can join us whenever he's finished his, uh,

Two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Please let there be 100.

One, two,

three, four--

Balki, you're here.

Six... Where have you been?

Seven... Shh-- I called from the restaurant.

There was no answer, I don't know how many times

I let it ring, 15, 16...

...seventeen, eighteen, nineteen...

Cousin, uh, I was at the store.

One...

Oh, my Lord.

Balki, how many boxes of Raisin Puffs have you opened?

Eight...

...five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten, eleven, twelve... Ten, eleven, twelve...

BOTH: Thirteen.

Cousin, I have opened 13 boxes of Raisin Puffs

and not one of them has even close to 100 raisins.

My new family has been cheating the public.

Family

The UniCorn family.

Mr. Henry Casselman, the chairman of the board,

writes me a letter and tells me

I'm the newest member of the family.

Balki, this is a form letter.

But it does have a nice shape.

Families don't send form letters,

businesses do.

Cold, impersonal companies

who're only interested in the bottom line, making a buck.

Balki, you're letting the stock thing take over your life.

This is not your responsibility.

Yes, it is.

you're responsible for everything.

Oh! Oh!

I just had a terrific idea.

Why don't you just sell your stock

and forget the whole thing?

No. Then I'll buy it.

Balki, please, I'm hungry.

I just want to go back to the restaurant and have dinner.

Cousin, you don't understand.

I have to make this right.

How... How are you gonna do that?

I'll go to UniCorn

and I tell them they have to stop cheating the public.

Okay, tell who? Balki, tell who?

UniCorn is a big corporation.

They have thousands of employees.

Who are you going to talk to?

Who are you going to talk to?

I am going to talk to

the man who puts raisins in the boxes.

Wrong!

He takes his orders from his foreman.

Well, then I'll go to his four men.

And they'll send you to the plant manager.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

No, no, we are not.

Balki, Balki, UniCorn is a huge corporation.

They have factories all over the world.

They have layers of authority.

The plant manager will send you to the district manager

who will send you to the regional manager.

assistant vice presidents, second vice presidents,

first vice presidents.

because they all take their orders

from the chairman of the board.

Well, then I'll go see him.

He won't see you.

Why you make me go see all those other people?

To teach you a lesson.

This is hopeless, Balki.

You are only one man with one share.

They won't listen.

Well, cousin,

if you come with me,

we'll be two men with one share.

And then they will have to listen.

I want to see Mr. Casselman.

Do you have an appointment?

Thank you for your help.

Can he make an appointment?

Only through the appointment secretary.

Can I see her? Not without an appointment.

Come on. No, no--

Balki, I'll buy you some ice cream.

No, cousin.

No.

The public is being cheated

I know Mr. Casselman will understand

if I can just talk to him.

Did you come here to help me or to see me fail?

All right, all right.

But if we're really gonna see this guy,

we're gonna have to use subterfuge.

Well, of course we are. Don't be ridiculous.

Do you have some on you?

Balki, subterfuge is just a big word for sneakiness.

Even though Mr. Bartokomous does not have an appointment,

I'm sure Mr. Casselman will want to see him.

Mr. Bartokomous is a substantial stockholder.

My car, Ms. Abrams.

I'm not Mr. Casselman. I'm Mr. Crocker.

I'm Lawrence Appleton

Of the Mediterranean Bartokomouses.

Do you ever hear of my little island Mypos?

You have an island?

Well, I'm always happy to meet a major stockholder.

Care for some coffee, cappuccino, espresso, uh...

No, I'm executive vice president, soon to be top dog.

Oh.

What are you now, deputy dog?

Uh, coffee will do.

Ms. Abrams, please. And, uh,

use the china. MS. ABRAMS: Yes, sir.

Uh, Mr. Bartokomous is here to see Mr. Casselman.

Oh, you can deal with me, uh...

I'm taking over for him when he retires.

Gentlemen, please.

Raisins.

Raisins?

But I'm sure this is a matter Mr. Bartokomous

should be taking up with Mr. Casselman.

How many shares did you say you own?

One--

Well, no, one share.

One share? Is this a joke?

Uh, yes!

It's a joke.

But Mr. Bartokomous

is an internationally known cut-up.

Cousin-- Stop...

Now, if we can just move this along.

Mr. Casselman can give Mr. Bartokomous five minutes

and we can be off to our dinner at the White House.

Cousin, you said "sneaky," but this is lying.

I only have one share. Ah.

But I think this is very important.

And I want to see Mr. Casselman.

Here's the coffee.

Forget the coffee. Get security.

Yes, sir.

No, we're friends with Mr. Casselman.

Look, he write me a letter.

Casselman sends out millions of these.

They're written by machines.

and his faith in your company.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

No.

Here they are.

No, we just want to see Mr. Casselman for five minutes.

Come on, you guys, we don't wanna hurt you.

We don't want to be hurt.

Let's go.

No, cousin, I don't like this.

Do something. Balki, we took our best shot.

Not enough raisins. Really.

Mr. Casselman!

Mr. Casselman, you're wanted in the outer office.

Balki!

Oh, for crying out loud.

Mr. Casselman! Mr. Casselman!

Mr. Casselman, you're wanted in the outer office.

No!

What the hell is going on in here?

Would you like some coffee, Mr. Casselman?

No! Oh!

Mr. Casselman, we come to see you.

Well, you sent me a letter.

Oh.

You're one of our stockholders.

He only owns one share, HC.

He's still a stockholder.

Good point, HC.

What did you come to see about?

There are no enough raisins in Raisin Puffs.

You want more than 100?

what he means is there aren't 100 in each box.

And he can prove it.

We can do that.

I have only 41.

Forty-nine here.

Forty-four, and the four I eat makes 48.

This is outrageous. I promised the public

one hundred raisins in every box.

Who's responsible for this?

Who's responsible for this?

So I skimped a little on the raisins.

I saved the company a bundle.

Crocker. Yes, sir.

Put them back! Yes, sir. Good idea, sir.

And apologize to. Mr. Bartokomous.

But, sir-- Apologize.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bartokomous.

Please accept my apology.

Oh, it's okay.

To forgive is divine.

To be an airhead is human.

Why my daughter married that nitwit I'll never know.

BOTH: No, thank you.

I don't know why I bother.

I'm really glad you brought this to my attention, son.

He called me son.

All we're interested in is making a buck.

That thought never crossed our minds.

Well, that thought never crossed his mind.

Would you do me a favor?

Would you sign my form letter?

Oh, I'd be happy to, son.

Have you boys

ever seen the city from a helicopter?

Well, no.

Too bad.

Kidding!

Just because I'm rich doesn't mean I'm not a fun guy.

What do you say we go buzz the Kellogg factory?

LARRY: You know, Balki, that Casselman is a fun guy.

You know what was the best part?

Racing the police helicopter?

That was fun.

America is going to have raisins coming out of her ears.

What do you mean, thanks to me?

And I was wrong about that.

"If you want to change something,

"you got to go to the top guy."

Hmm, no, I think I said,

"If you get to the top guy, he'd throw you out."

Well, you sure did.

But you're also the man that said,

"You've got to use subterfuge."

Which didn't work at all.

You're not going to let me say

anything nice about you, are you?

All right, go ahead.

That's it.

Could you say it again? I missed it.

If you hadn't told me what not to do,

I would never have known what I should have been doing.

And because you came with me

to stop me from doing what I wanted to do

but should not have been doing,

I was able to do what had to be done,

even though you didn't want me to do it.

Well, I'm glad I could help.