Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Lone Ranger masks? Two dozen.

Vulcan ears? Two dozen.

Dracula teeth?

Two dozen. LARRY: All right.

Put 'em back.

How many Vulcan ears? Two dozen.

Fine, Balki, I just can't concentrate.

Jennifer's getting back today.

I mean, I don't wanna be pushy

I... I just don't understand exactly what our relationship is.

Well...

Nancy and I have a wonderful relationship.

Very sensitive.

I'm trying to share a personal problem here, and you're being silly.

No. Aren't you?

Yes, I am.

How am I gonna find out how she feels about me?

Cousin, here's a shot in the dark.

Why don't you ask her?

Balki, Balki, Balki.

You have to read women.

You have to interpret the subtle nuances

of what they say or don't say.

The way they look at you or don't look at you.

The way they touch you or, as in my case,

don't touch you.

Boy, life is hard work for you.

Cousin, why don't we just have Mary Anne

and Jennifer over for dinner tonight

and Mary Anne and I can eat

and you and Jennifer can read each other?

I'll have to give that some thought.

Hi, guys. Hello. How was your flight?

Great. It was great.

Thanks for the travel alarm, Larry.

Oh, any time, Jennifer.

Boy, working those flights to Rome

really play tricks on your mind.

Is it Friday or Saturday?

It's Friday.

I told you.

I wanted a second opinion, okay?

Hey, why don't you come over to our house for dinner tonight?

You can relax and shake off your jet slag.

That sounds great. We'd love to.

Are you sure it isn't too much trouble?

Of course not. Is it, cousin?

Trouble? Uh, no, no.

We'll just throw something together.

We'll uncork some vino, kick back, relax.

It'll be very, uh, mellow.

Great. Come on, Jennifer,

I may have left the gas on.

the building wouldn't be here.

Ciao.

Why did you do that?

Do what? Ask the girls to dinner tonight.

I just did.

Yes, why?

Oh, oh. Why did I ask the girls to dinner tonight?

Why? Why not?

You just don't get it, do you?

Cousin, what you doing?

Closing early.

But, cousin, it would be just like you said.

We'll relax, do some kickbacks, we'll be marshmallows.

What the big deal is?

No wonder parents in Mypos

have to buy wives for their sons.

Balki, Jennifer is a sophisticated woman.

She's been in every airport in the world.

Now, if I'm going to impress her,

This evening has got to be very carefully orchestrated.

Cousin, you are taking this too seriously.

You're going to get simple nervous tension.

Did you know... You're getting on my nerves?

I have to plan what could be the most important dinner of my life

and I've only got three hours.

Well, don't worry, I can help.

But, but I want to help cook. No.

I want to help cook. No, you can't help cook.

I want to help cook. Oh.

Okay. Look.

You get the stuff for the appetizers and the salad.

And what else? Look, just get the appetizers and the salad.

While you're doing that, I'll go to the butcher.

Let's go!

* I'm so excited and I just can't hide it

I shouldn't have used a new cologne.

Well, what do you think? About what?

No, I mean...

How do I look?

GQ. You're welcome.

What about me?

You think Mary Anne will like this outfit?

Yeah, sure. You don't think I'm overdressed, do you?

Well, of course not.

What if they dress casual?

Then you'll look like a big jerk.

Maybe the jacket is too much.

She'll think I'm trying too hard.

She'll be right.

These aren't the carrots.

Well... Well, of course not. They're wild olives.

What are wild olives doing here?

Well, they're just lying there.

Marinating.

They're for the salad. Come, I show you.

This is the salad?

Well, you said we should impress the girls so I thought...

Leaves?

That's not very impressive.

So I decided to make Mama's special salad.

Wild olives, ginkgo root, mustard curd, onions

and a dash of liver oil to keep the ginkgo root down.

You didn't get the lettuce, did you? No, I didn't.

It was on my list.

And bean and curd things were not.

Well, pardon me for saying so

but your list was boring.

My list was food.

Yes, but not fun food.

And that's why Balki made a few things to spice the menu up.

Just how spicy are we getting?

Well...

I thought we'd, uh, treat ourselves to that old standard

Ding Ding Machmood.

You know it as pig snout with saffron.

And then I thought we'd go

bad bad meeche.

I was going to surprise you, but you forced me.

Balki, think.

Two girls that we like and desire are coming to dinner.

What possible advantage can be gained from poisoning them?

Oh, cousin,

these are the staples of the Myposian diet.

They made me into the big, strong man I am today.

I don't want Jennifer to be a big strong man.

I want her to like me. I want her to be impressed.

I want her to survive long enough to bear my children.

Therefore, this food is out.

Well, Mary Anne is my date, and I want her to try it.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, I'll tell you what, we'll have my dinner tonight

and we'll save your food for another special occasion.

Say, when the Cubs win the World Series.

Oh!

What do you take me for? Bozo the Clone?

Everybody knows the Cubs have no quarterback.

Cousin, why are you getting all poofed out of shape?

I am not getting poofed out of shape.

Balki, how many times have you served dinner to two beautiful women?

Ah... Hmm, hmm?

Ah... How many?

How many times have you served dinner to two beautiful women?

Three.

In America? None.

None

Look, I know what I'm doing.

Let's just go with my plan so I can save this evening.

But I went through so much trouble!

I had to find gingko root and pig snout.

They made fun of me at the market.

They said, "Price check on pig snout."

And now you won't let me serve it.

You're squeezing all of the fun out of this date.

Balki, I am squeezing all the fun out of this date for a very good reason.

A casual dinner is nothing to be taken lightly.

What's that smell?

My duck is burned.

Ow! Hot, take it, take it.

Why is the oven turned to 500 degrees?

Well, that's the temperature I need for my sheepherder's bread.

Where did sheepherder's bread come from?

Well, I think its origins are a little island off the coast--

I don't care where it came from.

Well, why did you ask?

Look at my duck.

It's drying out even as we speak.

How am I gonna serve this?

Oh, cousin, cheer up.

Balki.

I am not letting you serve that food.

Well, maybe you can stop me.

Oh, well, maybe I can.

Give me the Ding Ding Machmood.

No.

Give me the Ding Ding Machmood.

Ha!

BOTH: The girls.

and your food and try to get through this thing.

Well, I'm not the one with the problem.

You're the one with the problem. Yes.

I'm just trying to show a lady a good time.

I'm just trying to show a lady a good time.

Well, fine. Have a good time.

Knock yourself out!

BOTH: Have a wonderful time!

BOTH: Hi.

Thank you, Balki.

May I? May you what?

Dinner is served.

Did I mention how lovely you look?

Yes, you did.

What are we having?

and my specialty, duck a l'orange.

But the best things aren't even on the table.

Ooh, there's more?

so he cooked too.

Just dig in.

Darn, dull knives.

Balki, I told you to get these sharpened.

I'll get them sharpened.

Why is the rice all clumped together?

Well, girls, you're in luck

Oh. Keep eating, keep eating. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Balki, you are not serving them that stuff.

Why don't we ask them if they want to try that stuff?

Who would like to try Myposian food?

I would. Sounds great.

I've never had Myposian food before. This is exciting.

This looks interesting.

This looks incredible.

Balki, what do you call this?

Ding Ding Machmood.

Oh, well, what does that mean?

Excuse us.

Mmm...

I hope you're happy you're making me look bad in front of Jennifer.

I think you are doing that yourself.

but no, you had to be creative.

You had the wonderful idea to serve the girls pig pucks.

You're just jealous because I need a chainsaw to cut your duck.

Well, in case you haven't noticed

It's an acquired taste.

LARRY: Oh, oh, is it?

Oh. Why? Because Balki is acting like a five

Me? You're the one that's acting like a yak's behind.

Oh, a yak's behind? Yes, a big fat one.

Balki, Larry, stop.

Do you have any ketchup?

Come on, Mary Anne. I think we'd better go.

Oh, is dinner over? Mmm-hmm.

No, no, you have to stay. We have pie. Oh.

I know it's good. I didn't make it.

You guys have to work this thing out, whatever it is.

Arguments happen between roommates.

Believe me, I understand.

Like when?

Like, when she spends three hours

in the bathroom putting on her makeup.

Oh, yeah. She hates when I do that.

And I hate when she rearranges my closet without asking me.

Well, I wouldn't have to if you'd keep your things in order.

Well, everyone has their own way of doing things.

Maybe the way I keep my things is my business.

Fine. I won't touch your things.

Just don't come begging me to borrow a clean uniform

because you didn't realize yours were at the cleaners.

Well,

here's to good friends.

Once, just once, I borrowed a uniform and got a spot on it

and you never let me forget it.

Maybe if you were more careful on the job

you wouldn't have spilled anything.

Oh, so, now you're gonna tell me how to do my job?

Who wants pie?

Well, somebody should tell you how to do your job.

While I'm working my tail off, trying to make the flight

a safe and pleasant experience, you're serving drinks

singing Belly Up to the Bar, Boys.

Look, Jennifer.

At least when we're about to land, I don't tell them

Those are the rules.

Everything has to be perfect.

It's like living with a Barbie doll.

Now, I'm mad.

Hold. Hold.

Mary Anne, Jennifer

you shouldn't talk to each other like that, you're friends.

and I'm sorry.

Nothing worked.

Cousin, you're not helping.

Sorry.

Shame on you.

How long have you known each other?

Too long. How long?

Since we were eight years old.

And now you want to throw your friendship away

because you think she's too perfect

and you think she's not perfect enough?

Mary Anne, tell Jennifer that you're sorry

and if it's really that important, well,

you'll try to be a little more organized.

I'm sorry.

Perhaps I am a little messy.

Tell Mary Anne you're sorry and, uh, you'll try to take things

a little less seriously.

I'm sorry, sometimes I get all worked up

over things that aren't very important

but that Barbie doll line really hurt.

I'm sorry.

Now, hug each other.

Like you mean it.

I'm sorry, Mary Anne. Oh, me too.

Like you mean it.

Yes, well, uh,

now that we have that settled, uh,

why don't we get back to dinner?

Well, who are we kidding? All those in favor of ordering pizza?

Might as well.

My Ding Ding's cold.

You really have to leave? It's only 1 o'clock.

I'm exhausted. We're still on Rome time.

To us, it's 7 o'clock in the morning.

I had a nice time.

I'm really glad I got to know you better.

Let's go, Mary Anne.

Oh. Goodnight.

Did you hear that?

She knows me better.

Better than what? Let's not analyze it.

I just want to enjoy the moment.

Well, it was really rough going.

Yeah.

Yes, but if we hadn't have been there

they probably wouldn't have fought at all.

Well, you know, I, I didn't know Jennifer could be that way.

What way?

Well, so nitpicky.

I mean, I know Mary Anne's no rocket scientist, but...

Jennifer shouldn't be so hard on her.

Well, I had no idea Mary Anne could be that way.

What way?

Cousin,

the wires up here don't connect.

I mean, uh, Jennifer is a little crazy about being neat

but Mary Anne was pretty hard on her.

Must be difficult for them to live together

when they're so different.

Well, if they're gonna stay best friends and still live together

they're gonna have to learn to compromise.

I mean, good friends are hard to come by.

Mary Anne

could be a little more organized.

I'm sorry I made fun of your food. It's okay.

I'm sorry I invite the girls without asking you.

That's okay.

If I had to wait to get up the nerve, think how tense I'd be.

That's a scary thought.

Well, I guess I can throw this out.

No! Don't throw that out.

I'm gonna freeze the Ding Ding Machmood.

Why?