Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just

* Get a feeling like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* On the wings of my dream

* The wind and haze I'm bound for better days

* My life, my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me

* My life, my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Look at this. Balki!

They're all in the wrong jackets.

Wayne Newton's in Juice Newton's jacket.

There's no telling where Olivia Newton-John is.

Elton John.

Cousin?

Something wonderful happened to me on the way home.

Don't tell me.

You found work as a human cannonball.

No, you big kidder.

I stopped by the newsstand to pick up the latest edition of Spider-Man comics

and a nice man there offered me a delivery job.

A job? You already have a job.

Yes, so now we're a three-income family.

Right.

I buy you this.

Oh, well, Balki, I don't know what to say.

Oh, well...

Oh, this is, uh... This is, uh...

What is this?

It's a potato clock.

A potato clock?

Well, Balki, thank you. But really, you shouldn't have.

Oh, go...

No, I mean it.

I'm loaded. Vince give me $50.

Who is Vince?

Vince is the man who sits in the limousine

parked outside the newsstand all the time.

He give me the money.

and then he does this with his eye.

He likes Balki.

I'll bet he does.

You took a job from a man whose office is a car?

Yes, and he's doing pretty good.

He have two secretaries in the back seat.

What exactly do you do for this Vince?

Well, I take a package from him and I deliver it to his uncle downtown,

but it's not so simple as it sound.

Vince says that someone might follow me

so I must never walk the same way twice.

So, today I walk like this.

And tomorrow I'm gonna walk like this.

Interesting.

Balki...

Vince is a crook!

You are obviously involved in something illegal.

Cousin, delivering a package is illegal?

Well, it could be depending on what's in it.

What's in it?

I don't know.

Well, then, how do you know it's illegal?

Because the package belongs to a man

So? They are not secretaries.

What is your point?

Which is why you get into these messes and I have to bail you out.

Now when is your next delivery?

Tomorrow at lunch.

Cousin, I told you, I don't have time to stop here.

I have to make a delivery.

Uh, cousin, no. Vince told me not to stop.

I have to deliver this package.

We have to find out what's inside it.

You could be smuggling drugs!

Cousin, we can't open it. Vince told me not to.

That's exactly why we have to open it.

No. Balki.

Now we're going to open it.

Balki.

Give me that package! Can't you spell?

Just try to--

I'm going to lunch.

Look at all the money.

Poor Vince must have given me the wrong package.

Oh, yes, I know how that can be.

Balki, Vince is running numbers.

Well, of course he is. Don't be ridiculous.

And you thought he was doing something illegal.

They send people to prison for that, and you're involved.

they won't let me become a citizen.

What I'm going to do? All right, don't panic.

First thing to do is tape up this package.

Get some tape.

You're gonna have to take this back to Vince

and give him back his $50.

All right, first we're gonna have to take care of these customers.

Okay? All right.

Uh, may we help you?

I think so. Police.

We've been following you for a half hour.

You two are under arrest.

What? Spread 'em.

Oh. Stop it, stop it.

Are we in trouble?

Yes. Yes, we're in trouble!

You have the right to remain silent.

can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Thank you for picking us up at the police station.

We were so worried about you.

Well, it was pretty grim.

Cousin, they grilled me. You fainted.

Well, it was hot under those lights.

I'm glad they believed you were innocent.

What did they do about Vince?

Well, thanks to yours truly, Vince was arrested.

The police practically begged us to testify at his arraignment tomorrow.

We are part of the State v. Vince Lucas.

The police say that he's involved

in all kinds of illegal things.

Gambling is just a tip of the ice cube.

You know, I think he's the same jerk that was bothering Mary Anne and me.

Why do people let him get away with such things?

Well, I guess they're afraid.

But we do.

I just love it when you talk like that.

Yeah, well.

A man's got to do what a...man's got to do.

Uh, we'd better let you get some rest.

You have a big day in court tomorrow.

We'll, uh, see you down at, uh, the courthouse tomorrow.

Good night, Balki.

You struck out, huh?

Well, you know, we're gonna be doing a good thing

for the community by putting Vince away.

I'll get it.

Jennifer probably wants to tell me

how proud she is of me...in private.

Oh, my God. It's Vince!

Well, he probably just wants to apologize for getting us in trouble.

VINCE: Open the door!

Uh, this is not a good time.

Uh, uh, the place is a mess.

Uh, if you had called first--

Vince, huh, hi.

Come on in.

Our door is always open.

Especially now.

Oh, hey, heard you got busted.

Us, too.

You get a smart lawyer, he'll get you off.

You won't do a dime's worth of time.

You'll walk. Yeah... Walk.

Can I talk now? Sure.

I once had a guy named Lenny who delivered packages for me.

He decided to sing. Now, Lenny's with the angels.

Lenny's a singing baseball player?

Let me try again.

Testify tomorrow and you'll be holding your breath forever.

You got it? Got it.

I don't got it.

If you hold your breath forever, you--

Got it.

So... These are the halls of justice.

Where are the Halls of Montezuma?

They're in another building.

MAN: Excuse me.

Boy, am I glad you guys showed up.

My case is falling apart.

Seven of the witnesses suddenly got amnesia.

Well, you've still got the eighth, don't you?

The eighth? Can't find him at all.

What do you mean, "Can't find"?

He just disappeared. Go figure.

Balki, there are no other witnesses. Just us.

Cousin, there's nothing to worry about.

"Nothing to worry about"?

One of the witnesses disappeared!

We have the whole legal system behind us.

Hi, Balki, Larry, this is so exciting.

Yes, isn't it?

Well, break a leg.

Balki...we can't testify.

What?

No. See, you don't understand.

If we testify against this man, he's going to kill us.

Cousin, we have to go over there and say what we know.

It's the right thing to do.

It's not like we're taking a big bite out of crime.

I mean, if we testify maybe we'll put away one small-time criminal,

but someone else will just take his place. It's not worth dying for.

Psst!

Psst! Psst.

Uh, Mr. O'Day, we've been thinking,

and we're not sure that we can identify the man.

I mean, it was awfully dark.

Right. Right.

I don't know how to say this. Uh, but--

You've been thinking it over and you've decided not to testify?

Well, only in the legal sense.

There goes my case.

All rise.

This hearing is now in session.

The honorable Francis T. Ceretto presiding.

Oh! I was hoping for Judge Wapner.

Uh, Your Honor, I'm, uh, sorry to say

that the State has suffered a minor setback.

We have no witnesses.

Now, I'd call that a setback.

Well, if there are no witnesses, there's no case.

So I'm gonna-- BALKI: Please, please.

I am a witness.

He's not a witness witness, he's a...Jehovah's Witness.

You can't do this.

Cousin, I have to do this.

Vince used me.

My honor is at stake.

My honor.

You don't mess around with a Mypiot's honor.

Your Honor, the State would like to call Balki Bartokomous.

Uh, one, uh, two, uh, one, two--

Mr. Bartokomous, you're supposed to sit up there.

Really? Yes.

Right next to the judge? Yes.

Wow.

Hi.

Nice robes.

Please, uh, sit down.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Well, of course I do. Don't be ridiculous.

Then, after Vince kicked down our door and threatened us,

I went to sleep, because I said to myself,

I said, "Balki, you should go to sleep

"because tomorrow you're going to have to go to court

"and testify, and you don't want to have

"those big, black circles under your eyes."

Like...

Cousin, you know when you leave the eggs in the pan too long

and they get all black around the edges.

Your Honor!

Mr. Dunne.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Bartokomous...

I think it's rather obvious that you're an immigrant.

So, let's stop beating around the bush.

Why did you come to America?

Oh, because when I'm a little, small boy

I dream to come to America.

The land of the free,

the home of the braves.

And my dream was to travel all over this land.

From California to the New York island.

From the Redwood forest...

to the Gulf Stream water.

This land was made for you...

And me.

And if I had a hammer-- I see!

Yes, America, a land of beauty, a land of freedom,

a land of...opportunity?

Yes. It's a wonderful country.

So you came to get rich. Didn't you?

I did. Aha! So you admit!

You came here to get rich!

No. Which is it

I object!

You can't object!

Uh, who is this person?

That's Cousin Larry.

Cousin Larry, sit down.

I submit to the court that this Balki Bartokomous--

Is that a Russian name?

No, it's Myposian.

I submit that Mr. Bartokomous came to this country with good intentions,

but when he discovered that Americans, in fact,

work for a living, he decided to take an easier route...

And that's when he attempted to recruit my client

to join him in his heinous plan, illegal gambling.

Balki is being abused by this ambulance chaser!

Your Honor.

Well, I don't care!

Okay.

Your Honor, the defense moves that the charges in this case be dismissed.

Uh, Mr. O'Day, unless there are any other witnesses

to substantiate Mr. Bartokomous' testimony,

I am afraid I'm going to have to dismiss the charges.

How can you do that?

He's a bad man.

And you have to take him away

because the good people have to be safe.

How can this happen in America?

It happens.

Uh, well, I have no choice but to release the defendant.

Now wait a minute.

Your Honor, guys like Vince are allowed

to walk the streets, because people like me

are afraid to testify against them.

While this man, who's not even an American yet,

is up there risking his life to do what's right.

Well, I... I'm ashamed of myself.

Is this rambling taking us any place?

Yes, it is.

I can back up everything this man said.

I want to testify.

You're making a big mistake.

My life is full of big mistakes.

You can threaten us all you want,

but we're still gonna testify.

We're gonna send you up the river without a poodle.

We're gonna have to get that fixed.

Right.

Balki, I don't believe it.

I saw a side of myself today that I never saw before.

Cousin, I saw that side, too.

It wasn't pretty.

Do you mind? I'm trying to resurrect a modicum of dignity here.

Oh, cousin, you got modicums you don't even know about.

It just took a while to get past all that fear.

Yeah, well... I'm sorry I almost let you down.

Cousin, you don't have to apologize to me.

When it really counted, you came through and I should thank you.

Thank you.

Well, the important thing is, because of you,

Vince is out of business for a long, long time.

I hope his secretaries get work.

You know, buddy, I fell apart a little in court today,

but deep down inside,

I knew things would work out.

you gotta show 'em who's boss.

You gotta show 'em they can't make you run and hide.

Huh

Hello?

Just... Just a minute.

two plane reservations to Buenos Aires.

I'll take this.

This is Jose Vasquez.

No, no, I won't be needing those tickets.

Yeah. Vaya con Dios to you, too.

You gotta show 'em they can't push you around.

You're not buying this, are you? No way, Jose.