Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now * Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

FEMALE: Work your arms. Work 'em. Work your arms.

Higher, good. Now kick, kick. Loosen up. Kick.

Higher, higher, higher.

Side twist.

Now back again. Side twist. Keep it up.

Twist, twist. Very good.

Balki, don't do that.

It would help me if the floor didn't shake before noon.

Boy, you are grumpy in the morning.

I'm grumpy all the time.

I just hide it better the rest of the day.

What are you doing?

Buttock pinches.

Don't forget to fold up the couch.

You left it open yesterday.

I can't.

No, it's not so simple.

No, no, I think-- Balki, watch and learn.

Take the little black handle. Yes.

Balki, watch and learn.

You just lift and push.

Lift and push.

Lift. And push.

Push and lift!

Lift! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

It's broken.

No, I think it's just a sprain.

No, I mean, the sofa is broken.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Well, because I was busy watching and learning.

No, no, Balki. What are you doing?

Balki, Balki, no, no, no.

Balki! No, no. Thank you.

I don't need any pagan cures.

Oh. I could've bought a new couch.

But no-o-o, I had to buy a used one.

Well, I'm the one that sleeps there, so I buy the new one.

Whoa!

What did we lose?

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

What?

I was getting my money.

Well, of course I do. I want it to be safe.

Safe?

get tired ransacking the apartment

lie down to take a nap, bam! Your money's gone.

No, I never thought of that.

Well, you should.

Keeping money around attracts burglars.

Why?

Because that is what responsible people do.

What if the building was to burn down, then where would your money be?

Step into the 20th century.

But I don't know about banks.

What's to know? Why do I have to explain everything?

Look, today on our lunch hour, I'll take you to my bank.

You'll put that money in a checking account.

But this is my mad money.

Do you mean my savings too? Yes, yes, your savings too.

Everything. Now get it.

I got it.

You'll never get it.

LARRY: Can we get on with this? We're on our lunch break.

Oh, I'm Harrison Har...per.

Uh, Balki would like to open a checking account.

I know. Sit, sit.

All right, you've got your Money Market Manager Account.

Requires a thousand dollar minimum balance.

Includes check guarantee, credit card,

overdraft protection, which means you can write checks

up to $5000 over your balance and a free color TV.

Oh, I like that one.

Balki, I think that's a little out of your league.

What is my league? Little League.

Our Happy Saver Account.

Requires a minimum balance of two dollars

and you get a free Freddy the Frog bag.

He'll take that one.

Balki, give him your money.

Just one moment.

When I put my money here, what are you going to do with it?

The same thing they do with my money.

They loan it out to other people for interest.

They give my money to other people

just because it's interesting?

No, no, no. Interest is what people pay the bank

so that they can use your money.

Well, if they're using my money, why don't they pay me?

Well, the bank performs a service.

For instance, you could come here and borrow money yourself.

I could come to this bank and borrow my own money

and then pay them interest?

Well, yes.

Provided you have good credit.

What that is?

that you don't need to borrow your own money.

Would you like to explain this to him?

Not on your life.

When my money is here, who is going to be watching it?

Well, Mr. Harper will watch it.

Like a hawk.

Well then, I'm going to need some references from you.

Balki, give him your money.

But how do I get my money when I want to use it?

The bank gives you nice checks with pretty little pictures.

And when you wanna buy something, all you have to do is sign your name to a check.

That's all there is to it.

You mean, when I want to spend money

all I have to do is sign my name to a check?

Let's get this done so that we can go back to work.

Take good care of it.

We will.

A hundred and twenty

That's what this ordeal is about?

A hundred and twenty

Just take the money, please. Yes, yes.

If you'll just pick out the style of checks you want,

we can wrap this up during my lifetime.

Rainbows. I love rainbows.

Rainbows it is.

Flo-o-owers.

Okay, flowers.

Puppies!

Lower.

Lower.

Ooh! Argh!

Lower.

Ho-ho-ho!

Balki Claus is coming to town.

And what does he have?

An apple for Larry Appleton.

Where do I come up with them?

And for you, Susan, your favorite sugarless gum.

Oh, thank you, Balki.

Balki, this is very nice. What's the occasion?

Is today Mypos Apple and Gum Day?

Ask me how I paid for these things.

Balki, how did you pay for these things?

I wrote...

Checks.

They came today.

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

I also got you this nice bug light.

Well, I'm touched.

Appleton, front and center!

I'm planning a real big poker game tonight.

Oh, uh, thank you, Mr. Twinkacetti,

but, no, I don't play poker.

I wasn't inviting you.

Look, Appleton, my wife hates for me to gamble.

Tonight. Got it?

So, if it ever comes up, I was with you.

Uh...

Hey, I'm asking for a favor.

Man to man.

Men do those things for each other.

Some men in the Nixon White House

did those things for each other.

You leave my heroes out of this.

You know, lying to your wife is really terrible.

News flash, sweet cheeks. The ERA is dead.

You lost. Bow and get out.

Can I be candid?

Now, come on, Appleton, huh?

It's part of the code of the male brotherhood.

What is this male brotherhood?

Don't worry. No turnips allowed.

It's okay, Balki.

Forget it, Mr. Twinkacetti.

I won't forget this.

Oh, I just remembered.

I want you to pick it up. Shouldn't take you more than a whole day.

Mr. Twinkacetti.

Cousin Larry has a bad back.

Even better.

Cousin, I'll do this for you.

Don't worry. I know the correct way to lift

without putting stress on my back.

Ow!

Cousin, would you please let me fix this?

No, I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm, uh, looking for a "Balki Bartokomous."

Yeah. That's him over there.

The one who can stand erect.

BALKI: Oh, wonderful!

My cousin will be so happy.

Yeah, yeah, all I want is $3028.43.

No problem. I have checks.

* Touch me in the morning

* Then just walk away

* We don't have tomorrow... *

Twinkacetti cannot beat me.

I just moved 12 tons of bodybuilding equipment...

By myself.

It was tough.

But I'm a better person for it.

You also look shorter.

That's because every vertebra in my body is compressed.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Surprise.

I bought you new furniture.

It's a present from me to you.

Oh, I can't believe you did this.

I can't believe you did this. Oh.

I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

Balki... Let... Let me make something absolutely clear.

See, my furniture was...

Well, well... It was my furniture.

And this furniture is not.

Oh. You don't like it?

No, no, no, it's not that I don't like it.

Yes, it is. I don't like it.

Well, but you complained about your broken sofa

and you don't like your old furniture

and I just wanted to give you something.

Balki. Balki, you got rid of my things. My things, My things!

I got it. No, no, no, you don't got it.

You've got to understand. Look, look.

I'm gonna tell you something about my upbringing

that I've never told you.

You are? Yes.

You told me that.

BOTH: A lot of money.

You told me that.

We grew up in a middle-class house...

BOTH: In Madison, Wisconsin--

Sorry.

The point is, with all those kids,

nothing was ever really yours.

So when I moved here, see, I bought this furniture...

Well, not this furniture.

But my own furniture.

It was used, it was a little uncomfortable,

but it was all mine.

And then, tonight... I... I come home...

You've taken away my toys.

Oh, how sad.

Intellectually, I know, I know. I'm overly possessive.

Almost neurotic about it.

You are not. I'm not?

Of course not.

Erotic? Don't be ridiculous.

Neurotic, neurotic, neurotic! Okay. Don't get crazy.

Wait a minute.

Where'd you get the money to pay for all this stuff?

Oh, that was no problem. I just wrote a check.

You wrote a check? For how much?

$3028.43.

Three thou...

Good deal, huh?

They even threw in these plastic flowers.

Balki, Balki, Balki.

You only had $128, less the pack of gum, apple and bug light.

Yes, but the man at the bank said

I can write checks for more money than I have as long as I...

No. ...pay it back someday.

No, no, no. No.

That's the Money Market Manager Account.

You have the Happy Saver Account.

Don't you understand anything about banking?

In Mypos, money is not that important.

Two chickens is a pig, two pigs is a cow

and two cows is a fortune.

You're the one that made me go to a bank and got me all confused.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, sure! Argh! Ooh!

Yeah, blame it on me. Yes, why didn't I see it before?

Yes, it's all my fault and I'll burn in hell for it.

Boy, you're taking this hard.

You wrote a check for $3000 more than you have.

You don't wanna go to prison for this furniture.

You're right. It's my fault.

No, look, look. It's not your fault.

I made you get that bank account and I didn't take the time

to explain the basics.

It's not a big deal.

Now what did you do with it? Oh, that's no problem.

I sold it to Mr. Twinkacetti.

You sold it to Twinkacetti?

You sold my chair, my sofa, my coffee table, my lamp?

My rug? You sold my lucky rug?

Is this neurotic? Yes.

Yes, and so is this.

That's my lamp.

We better hustle our buttocks.

Those pinches paid off.

Good morning, turnips. Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Last night, I won $600 in the poker game.

And this junk will be gone before lunch.

Mr. Twinkacetti, I'm gonna buy back my furniture

for what you paid Balki for it.

Come on, Appleton.

You think I could sell this elegant decor

for a measly 75 bucks?

Seventy

You sold my furniture for 75 bucks?

Well, it made sense when Mr. Twinkacetti explained it.

I'll bet it did.

You can't do this to me. It's not fair.

Oh, you're right.

I shouldn't take advantage of a fellow member

of the male brotherhood.

And I owe him nothing.

Zip, as in the big O.

My God, my wife.

Edwina, my pet. What a cherished moment.

Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti. Oh, nice to see you, Larry.

And this must be Balki.

I have heard so much about you.

Well, I have heard so much about you too

and I don't believe half of it.

We kid around.

Did you enjoy going to the basketball game with my husband?

Basketball? Loved it. Loved it.

Remember, turnip? Bouncy, bouncy.

Why don't we step into the office? I got fresh coffee. We'll talk...

Balki, don't you see what happened?

Mr. Twinkacetti told his wife he was with you last night.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Oh, so now I'm a member?

Are you kidding? You're a lieutenant.

How much do you like me?

Like you? I'd give you a kidney.

You'll cover for me, won't you, Balki?

Do you mind if I call you Turnip?

Watch and learn.

I'll give you $65 for this furniture, Turnip.

Two hundred.

One seventy-five.

One dollar.

EDWINA: Donald? Sold.

Donald, the strangest thing.

I found $600 in your office

hidden behind your photo of Gordon Liddy.

You should keep your money in a bank.

Oh, I feel terrible. I was thinking...

I was thinking that you probably didn't go

to a basketball game last night.

You know, for one crazy moment

I suspected you of playing poker with your sleazy friends.

But I know that couldn't be true

because our marriage is based on mutual trust.

And if you ever violate that trust,

I'll break your chubby little legs.

We kid around.

Darling, I want you to watch me spend your money.

Oh, no. Goodbye, boys.

Bye-bye now.

You did good.

Thank you. I have a dark side.

Well, help me get this furniture upstairs.

And tonight, I'll teach you how to balance your checkbook.

Okay. Then I teach you how to balance a broom on your nose.

Oh! Argh! Ooh!

Cousin, your back is still hurting.

I think it's time I took your back by the horns.

Oh, Balki. Whoa!

Balki. My back. It doesn't hurt.

Of course not! Balki fixed it.

Huh. That's incredible. Yes.

Of course, sometimes there are side effects.

Balki... I can't move my arms.

That's one of them.

Now what?