Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now * Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

That's the last one.

Darn. One more and we would've had a perfect pyramid.

Why don't we use this one? No, Balki, no.

What? Perfect.

Obviously, you don't know the first thing about physics.

Morning, gentlemen. And I use the word incorrectly.

Good morning, Mr. Twinkacetti.

Ha.

Oh, look what you got, you lucky son of a goat.

It's my driver's license. I just got it renewed.

Congratulations.

Oh, to get an official document like that

must make you so aroused.

Oh, it's a wonderful thing, a driver's license.

I don't have a driver's license.

And I want to thank you both

for letting me hang out with you anyway.

What are you talking about? Your driver's license.

Your membership card to the American dream.

Balki, it's only a driver's license.

Only a driver's license?

Is the Lincoln Memorial only a building?

Is Mount Rushmore only a chunk of stone?

Is Merv Griffin only a talk show host?

Well, it's hard to argue when you put it like that.

Didn't you have a driver's license back in Mypos?

Well, we only had one car.

My family only had one car. My country only had one car.

Which is a good thing

Come on, Twinkacetti, Balki could get a driver's license.

I could? Sure.

That doesn't make any difference.

You can still get a driver's license.

You're teasing Balki. No. It's no big deal.

All you need is someone to teach you how to drive.

Will you teach me? Well, sure.

I'm your friend.

In your car?

Uh, in my car?

Uh, Balki, I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

I mean, my car is very special to me.

I spent years saving nickels and dimes so that I could...

I mean, it's not that I don't trust you.

It's just that, uh... Well, see, uh...

How can I say this?

That's it.

Well, that's not entirely it.

Well, that's not true. Fifty bucks says he can't.

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

Translated, that means your pal doesn't think you can do it.

Put your money where your mouth is.

All right, you got a bet. And I'll teach him in my car.

You will? Did I say it?

Yes. Damn.

You're on.

It's gonna be like taking candy from a baby.

I haven't done that in a while either.

My very own driver's license.

I can't wait to hit the highway.

I volunteered my car.

Please, God, tell me I didn't make a mistake.

Was that a yes or a no?

Cousin Larry, I have been looking at the manuel.

The manuel? The driving manuel.

The driving manuel. Well, you can't study that too much.

I read every day for a week. That's good.

You said when I have read the manual and memorized the rules,

you would give me my lesson in front of the wheel.

That's behind the wheel. And see?

That's what I'm talking about.

But you promised to teach me.

I know, I know.

At least until my car depreciates another year.

Okay. A promise is a promise.

All right, come on.

Okay.

Now, let's pretend that this is my car.

Oh, poh-poh.

You don't trust me in a real car?

I think we should get some practice

before we get into an actual moving

life-threatening motor vehicle.

Now, get in the car.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

What? You slammed the door.

Well, it's a little hard to remember

when you're driving a coffee table.

Okay. Now.

You got your steering wheel

your brake, gear shift, accelerator.

Make sure it's in park and start it up.

Cousin, there's nothing here.

Don't you think it would be easier in your car?

Easier for you, not for me.

All right, look, I'll build you a little driving simulator.

This is your gear shift.

The frozen broccoli is your accelerator.

And the grapefruit is your brake.

Did you give me the key?

What are you doing? Sunglasses.

Buckle up. Start the car.

Okay. Now, put your foot on the brake.

On the brake, the grapefruit. Good.

Now, put it in drive

and slowly, slowly, give it a little broccoli.

And just pull out into traffic.

Okay. Good.

Now, we're cruising down the street.

A little broccoli, a little broccoli.

Okay, not so fast. Not so fast.

There's a lot of traffic.

This window too much on you?

It's fine.

Now, what I'm gonna do is

throw a few emergency situations your way, okay?

Is that all right? Good.

Look out! Ahhh!

Now, that's rule number one.

The driver never ever covers his eyes.

Why you did that?

I didn't see it.

Well, I was busy avoiding the runaway baby carriage.

What runaway baby carriage?

All right.

there's no point in teaching you.

I'll do better. Okay.

around the living room before the accelerator defrosts.

And if you don't hit anything, we'll, uh...

Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry. Don't worry, I'll be careful.

Okay.

Next time, buckle up. It's the law.

SUSAN: Balki, what happened?

I had an accident in Cousin Larry's car.

Oh, no. Was anybody hurt?

Unfortunately, I lived.

...seven, eight, nine, 10. Larry, what happened?

Not now, I'm counting to a thousand.

What happened? LARRY: What happened?

What happened? He is what happened.

We were practicing parking at the supermarket

when all of a sudden this runaway shopping cart

came hurtling across the lot right at us.

A shopping cart? A hurtling shopping cart.

I told you to hit the brake. Yes, but you confused me.

You keep shouting, "Hit the grapefruit! Hit the grapefruit!"

And I cannot remember is it brake or gas, the grapefruit.

Couldn't remember? It's the brake. It's the brake.

Grapefruit is the brake. Who doesn't know that?

The point is the cart plowed right into my front fender.

Oh, cousin, l know you never can forgive me.

I was a fool to think that ever I could have a license

like a real American.

Balki.

No. I am the lowest form of life.

I am a car butcher.

According to Mypos custom, I have to go far away

and cover my face in shame.

Goodbye.

I hate these old customs.

Balki. Balki.

Balki, I'm sorry.

It's just that it's my car and it's your fault.

No, no, no. I mean, I didn't mean to say that.

I-I overreacted. I owe you an apology. I'm sorry.

I was more concerned about my car than your feelings.

No, you were right.

I am a lowly immigrant who dared to dream.

Don't talk like that.

I don't deserve a driver's license.

I don't even deserve a library card.

I would probably be arrested for speed reading.

Things don't always come easy.

It wasn't easy for you to pack up and come to America.

You found me. You found a job.

You found a place to live. That was tough.

And you're not a quitter. You know why?

I give up. Why?

* For amber waves of grain...

Because you were born with the desire to make yourself better.

That's why you came to America.

Hanging in there is part of what the American spirit is about.

Yes.

* America America *

When you fall off that horse, you've to climb back

and show it who's boss.

Never say die.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

You mean, if I live in a glass house, I must not throw stones.

Yeah, uh...

You can fool some of the sheep all of the time

but you can't fool some of the sheep all of the time.

Yes, yes, yes. Whatever works for you.

The point is I don't want you to lose your confidence.

I believe in you.

And to prove it, I want you to go out there this afternoon

and use my car to take that test.

Cousin Larry, you'll let me use your car again?

Yes.

Cousin Larry, Dimitri,

if you trust me that much, I'll do it.

Great.

I'll get back on that horse. You bet ya.

I'll show it who's boss. That's the spirit.

Cousin Larry? What?

Let go the key. I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Nervous?

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Backwards? It's a figure of speech.

There's one question I have to ask you about the manuel.

If four persons come to a four-way stop at the same moment

and the man on my right has the right of way, who goes first?

Because everybody has somebody on his right.

That's why you buy insurance. Thank you.

I'm very nervous.

Next.

Well, come on. I don't have all day.

Hey, you lucked out. You got a good one.

Okay, your first name is spelled B-A-L-K--

K-I. K-I.

Balki Bartokomous.

Current address, 6-- 627 Lincoln Boulevard.

Your place of birth?

Who's this, your ventriloquist?

No, this my Cousin Larry.

You, see the eye chart?

Yes, I see it. Boy, that was an easy test.

Cover the left eye, please.

Your left or my left?

Your left. My right.

Take your hand off my face.

Read the first line.

BALKI: "E."

Cover the other eye.

Uncover the left eye.

What's the last line you can read?

"Copyright 1963. Printed in Hicksville, New York."

By somebody named Pat Pending.

Okay. I'll give that to you.

You see, Larry? I passed the eye test.

See? All that studying paid off.

Here's your written test. Over there.

All right, now take your time.

Uh, excuse me. Cousin Larry, you're getting on my nerves.

I'm sorry, it's just that getting a driver's license

is very important to him.

Yes, right. No problem. I know you live with a lot of stress.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I have finished.

I think my friend here may have made a hasty act here.

Cousin, relax. I may be nervous, but I know my Gs and Us.

That's Ps and Qs. I didn't know that.

Okay, one wrong.

One wrong? One wrong, Balki, that's great.

I got one wrong? Only one. That's fantastic.

I got one wrong? It's okay. You passed.

You must have made a mistake.

I demand a recount.

No, Balki. Balki, let it go.

I knew I was right.

I'm sorry. All out of little gold stars.

What about a little happy face?

Balki, you've gotta be nice to these people.

If that man was your driving examiner,

you'd be in a lot of trouble.

Let's go.

On this part of the test, you're only allowed three mistakes.

Where's your car? In front.

In the red zone? That's one.

I told you all sales are final.

Listen, sister, look behind your TV. Do you see me there?

There's your answer.

Those nuns are so pushy.

Is Balki here? I can't find him.

He went for his driver's test two hours ago

and never came back.

You lost your car? You lost the bet. Pay me.

He could be lying out there injured.

How can you think of money?

Easy, I'm not a nice person. Now, pay me.

Balki, you're alive.

Yes, I think so. I have to sit down.

Get the man a chair. What happened? I was worried.

I tried to call you from the hospital,

but the phones were being used.

The hospital? You were in the hospital?

I didn't want to get on the expressway, but I got confused.

You're not supposed to be on the expressway.

I know, but I said to him, "You want to take a left?"

And he said, "Right." So...

Frank and me were on the expressway

in the middle of rush hour.

I don't know why they call it rush hour

because nothing moves.

Who is Frank?

That grumpy guy from the driver's license store.

The one who had a heart attack.

Frank had a heart attack?

Well, no. It turns out what he had was a bad lunch.

A salami sandwich, French fries and two chili dogs.

Nice guy, but he had more gas than Exxon.

You're breaking my heart, eh?

You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

Human suffering is my thing.

Suffer this.

You got it? You got it?

You got it!

Frank was so happy he wasn't dead

that he gave me my driver's license.

Excuse me a moment.

Hey, but we had fun, didn't we?

Uh, Mr. Twinkacetti.

All right, the money. Okay.

So my kid misses Christmas.

Balki, you did it. I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Cousin Larry.

when I was ready to throw up the towel.

Beautifully put. But you're the one who passed the test.

Yes, but I was ready to be a quitter

and give up my part of the American dream.

But you wouldn't let me.

Instead, you had faith in me

and you trusted me with your car.

Well, trust is what friendship is all about.

And you didn't even worry about your car.

I never gave it a thought. Did you put on the parking brake?

Of course I did. Don't be ridiculous.

Larry Appleton, you are the best friend

this Mediterranean sheepherder ever had.

Thanks.

What do you say we go out and celebrate?

It's on Twinkie. Where are the car keys?

Oh, they're nice and safe. I locked them in the car.