Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just

* Get a feeling like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now * Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life

* My dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Must be childproof.

I hope whoever it is brought a chainsaw.

Am I looking up "Larry Appleton?"

Larry Appleton. That's me.

Larry, Larry, Larry.

I look everywhere for you.

I walk the streets. I search the alleys.

I say to everyone, "Have you seen Larry?"

You don't know how many people have never heard of you.

Yes, yes. Now you're safe.

Who are you?

I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Philo, my fifth cousin three times removed

is a step-uncle to your father on my mother's side

two continents removed.

I see. So we're sort of related by rumor.

America.

Land of my dreams.

Home of the Whopper.

So cousin Philo says to me, he says

"Balki, when you move to America"

"you have to go to Madison, Wisconsin"

"to look up George Appleton."

That's your father. That's the story I heard too.

So, I said goodbye to...Mypos

my little Mediterranean island country.

And I got on the tramp steamer. Tramp, tramp, tramp.

And then I got on the bus. Bus, bus, bus.

And I found your father to move in but he said, "No."

"You have to go to the big city of Chicago to find my son."

That's you.

So I got on the bus. Bus, bus, bus.

And here I am.

Well, wait a minute, you came here to move in with me?

Of course I did.

Well, Balki, uh, look, there, there is a problem.

See, I just moved here myself.

This is the first time I've lived alone.

I actually have my own bachelor pad. You want a beer?

No, thank you. What are you saying?

Well, I'm saying...

You see, I've lived my whole life

with eight brothers and sisters, and it's time...

See, I want to live alone.

I didn't even know you were coming.

Your father didn't call you?

Well, I'm sure he tried and I just wasn't home.

Oh.

Well...I feel like a fool to come here and bother you.

Goodbye, American cousin. Nice to meet you.

Don't worry about me. I know where I'm going.

Where are you going? I don't know.

But this is America. Open all night.

Uh, look, I can't just turn you out into the cold.

You can stay-- Oh, thank you, thank you.

No, no, no.

That many thank yous would be appropriate

if you were staying a long time.

A day or two worth of thank yous is plenty.

Thank you.

Look, you can stay a couple of days until you get a job.

So sit down and help yourself to the goodies.

Over there.

What this?

That's pink lemonade.

You have pink lemons?

Only in America.

Potato crumbs! My favorite.

Color TV.

Yeah, haven't you ever seen color TV before?

Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous.

Blue!

On second thought, I've seen all these colors.

Green and red are gonna be on later.

You might wanna stay up and watch.

I think I'll just hit the sack.

I think I'll just hit a sack.

I don't have a sack.

Well, you can sleep on the couch. Turns into a bed.

Of course it does! This is America.

And don't worry about me.

Then, you shouldn't have a problem. What's your profession?

I'm a professional sheepherder.

This is crazy. A big city like Chicago

there is not one single advertisement

in here for a sheepherder.

That's the way it goes.

What else do you do?

I am...a sheepherder.

My father was a sheepherder.

My grandfather was a sheepherder.

The little baby-- I get the picture.

But you know,

For example, I wanna be a photojournalist.

But then I've taken this job to, to pay the bills.

You'll have to take a job until an untended flock pops up.

Hello. The Ritz.

What? Yeah. Susan, calm down.

Yeah, well, it's only a mouse. They're cute.

Think of Mickey.

Mickey wouldn't try to run up your leg.

Yeah, okay... Okay, okay. I'll be right up.

I have to run upstairs

Balki, I want you to-- Want me to watch the store?

I want you to watch the store.

Don't move. Just stand there. Can you do that?

You're not exactly pushing me to my outer limits.

Stand there.

Ah!

That's the idea.

Uh...

Well, how much is it?

What the price tag says.

Well... You don't go by what the price tag says, do you?

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

What do you go by?

We'll, uh, negotiate.

You are the head man here, aren't you?

Of course I am.

Come over here to me.

I'm not allowed to move.

* Oh what's love got to do got to do with it

* What's love but a second hand emotion

* What's love got to do got to do with it

* Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken *

Cousin Larry, don't you notice anything different?

No. Look. Look. Look!

You did? All without moving.

Well, that's great!

poking animals up the hill with a stick.

And here's the money!

Forty-five dollars.

That was a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff.

Where's the rest? That's it.

Well, there were price tags on that stuff.

You don't go by what's on the price tag.

You don't?

I bartered like we do at the marketplace on Mypos.

Balki, don't you realize what you've done to me?

Yes and you're welcome.

You know, I think I should look for a job as a salesperson.

Well, stick around.

Cousin Larry?

Cousin Larry

I'm so sorry.

Oh, bo bo bo.

Maybe Mr. Twinkacetti won't notice these things are missing.

But you sold his hat rack.

Every day, the first thing he does when he comes in

is put his hat on that rack.

Same damn thing every day. Sunlight. It gets old.

Buy something or get out.

Where's the yo

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti. Rotten day, isn't it?

Why are you standing there holding my hat on a stick?

Well, uh, technically, it's a cane.

Well, uh, technically, you're a jerk.

Where's my hat rack?

Mr. Twinkacetti.

I sold it.

Who are you?

My name is Balki, I'm Larry's cousin, Philo, my fifth--

Who cares? Why is he sellin' stuff?

Well, you wanna hear a funny story?

No! Where's my money?

Forty five. Forty five bucks? That hat rack was solid brass.

Where's the other 30? That was my mistake.

But to make it up I won't charge you for the hour I worked.

What a swell guy.

I want the rest of my money.

Mr. Twinkacetti, he doesn't have it.

But I could pay you back if you give me a job.

I can fix things.

Why not? I'm young.

you could sell it for more money, it's a good idea.

If I wanna hear a good idea

I'll go to a smarter source than you.

Like a wedge of cheese.

I can fix anything.

It just hung there all limp and dangly.

And if I came up and did that

it would flip around like the tassels on a belly dancer.

And she would say to me, "Balki, don't do that."

And I said, "You give me that." This what we do.

We take some nice mud, and we make a cast.

And dry in the hot sun.

And six months later, I took off the cast and what do you think?

The finger is no more limp and dangly.

It won't bend at all.

Just sticks out like a nail in a board.

I like that story.

Now get outta here.

Mr. Twinkacetti, give him a chance.

How else can he pay you back?

Out of the way. Let's see. A-ha!

Fix this old radio and he's got a job.

Now, that's not fair. That radio hasn't worked for 40 years!

Take it or leave it. He'll take it. Can you fix it?

Of course I can. It's probably just the picture tube.

There you go, 15 points.

"Mypos?" I challenge that.

Mypos is a real country.

I have a little corner of it growing on my dining room table.

Cousin, I need to take a break.

I never knew fixing a radio could be so quiet.

Susan, this is the cousin I was telling you about.

Balki, meet Susan. She's our neighbor.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Would... Would it be impolite to ask

if I could be your slave for life?

Oh, well, uh, hah, I think that's illegal.

Oh, he's cute.

This cute Mediterranean boy means every groveling word.

Take me and do with me as you will.

You're embarrassing Susan. Stand up. Act like a man.

Go work on the radio.

Then I take you in my thoughts.

I want to worship your painted toenails.

Look, just leave with whatever little dignity you have left.

Come on. Go. Nice to meet you too.

I can die happy now. Right.

He grovels great.

Sorry.

Oh, he's sweet. You know, I hope he gets a job.

Susan, they haven't even made

parts for that radio in 40 years.

Then he doesn't have a chance? Well, I didn't say that.

See, Balki doesn't know it but

and at the proper moment, click "Dance Fever."

Twinkacetti will never know the difference.

That's sneaky. I know.

I'm very proud.

Good morning! Cheers! On top of the day!

Well, you're in a good mood.

Today, I get to laugh in a man's face.

Sounds like a good day to me. Go for it, sport.

Balki, Balki.

Hey, grape leaf, turn on the radio.

I...I fell asleep before I got to test it.

But it'll work. Balki fixed it.

You know it'll work, and I know it'll work

but you don't.

You're gonna be so embarrassed when that radio works--

Cousin Larry, what this?

Feeble. Boy, that was feeble.

And you didn't think I'd catch on? Ha ha! Turn it on!

All right. Make yourselves ready.

LARRY: You did it.

You did it. I did it!

You actually did it. You did it.

Look, look at this place.

I don't believe it.

What a great sound! How much you want for it?

Three hundred. Four hundred.

Five hundred bucks. You got it.

Here's a $50 deposit.

And I'll go get my truck. Yeah.

Can you fix...any radio?

Does Telly Savalas love you, baby?

My friend, my pal, these fingers.

Muah! Muah!

You not only have a job here...

Muah!

I'll even pay you...minimum wage. Shh!

Ah, boys, put this little goldmine out

for our customer to pick up.

On second thought, ah, pinhead, do it yourself.

TWINKACETTI: We wouldn't want magic fingers here

to accidentally hurt his hands... Oh.

Oh, Cousin Larry.

I help you anyway. Thank you.

Of course. I tell you where to put everything.

This goes right there.

And then we have this amplifier to go on top.

And then, when you move these two big speakers,

please be careful because they're expensive.

You...you, uh...

You hooked all that stuff up to that radio?

Of course. How else you got to make it work? It was broke.

Mr. Twinkacetti, something just occurred to me.

I just sold a thousand bucks worth of equipment for 500?

Damn, it occurred to you too.

You!

You brought him here. This is all your fault.

You got your walking papers...buster.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Thank you. I hope you're happy too.

Happy? Getting fired does not make me happy.

Fired? He just gave you official papers to take a nice walk.

That's American for fired.

It's a colorful language, isn't it?

What?

He can not do to you what is my fault.

Mr. Twinkacetti. Ah! Balki, Balki.

You come out here right now, you unfair person.

And I mean maybe.

Ah.

You have something to say

You can't fire Larry. He's a good person.

And if he goes, I go.

That goes without saying.

Now, I wanna see heels going that way.

Not until I get a few things off my neck.

You don't know what kind of good fellow

you're dumping to the birds.

He was always loyal to you.

He make everything perfect for you.

And you won't find anyone to do better.

His only mistake was to be good friend to me.

But the customer likes him, and that's why they come back.

And if you let this good person walk out that door,

you're makin' one big mistake, ghost buster.

Thanks, but you're wasting your time, Balki. Come on.

TWINKACETTI: Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I, ah...

I was just thinking about what the turnip said here, and

I'd be stupid to let either one of you guys walk out that door.

You're both hired again.

We are?

Why?

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes. No.

It's because you're both out of work persons.

And if you're not working, I can't take $10 a week

out of your salary to pay for the stereo stuff.

And the hat rack. And all of this mess.

Gentlemen and turnip,

welcome to the wonderful world of being in debt.

Ha ha ha.

Am I in debt? Yep.

I'm a true American.

Well, Balki, you got us our jobs back.

Well, where I come from family sticks together.

Isn't this just like America? Another happy ending.

Yeah. We're buddies.

Yeah. We're working together.

Yeah. We're roommates.

We have to talk.

Now, you see, you couldn't have this talk if you lived alone.

You need me.

And this may surprise you but...I need you too.

You saved my life.

Well, it is nice to have somebody to talk to.

You're welcome to stay until you can afford a place of your own.

No problem.

I have a job now that pays minimum wage. Shh!

and put my whole family through college

I'm gone like a bird.

Balki, do you have any idea how much minimum wage is?

Of course I do. Don't be ridiculous.