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00:00:02,722 --> 00:00:06,097
♪♪♪
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00:00:11,472 --> 00:00:14,597
[announcer] This is
an NBC News special report.
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00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,430
I'm Chuck Todd,
and no one remembers hiring me.
4
00:00:17,514 --> 00:00:19,597
The New York Times has obtained
ten years of figures
5
00:00:19,681 --> 00:00:21,430
from President Trump's
tax returns,
6
00:00:21,514 --> 00:00:23,847
and for many of those years,
he lost more money
7
00:00:23,931 --> 00:00:25,597
than any person in America.
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00:00:25,681 --> 00:00:27,806
The White House insists
this is fake news.
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00:00:27,889 --> 00:00:30,138
And the President
is going about his normal day.
10
00:00:30,222 --> 00:00:32,972
I was worried the day would come
when everyone would find out
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00:00:33,055 --> 00:00:35,138
that I was the worst
businessman in history,
12
00:00:35,222 --> 00:00:37,055
but now that it's here,
it's not so
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00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,347
b-a-a-a-a-agh!
14
00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:41,180
Who am I kidding, Rudy?!
I'm so frickin' embarrassed!
15
00:00:41,263 --> 00:00:43,555
Be honest. Do you think
being exposed as a broke fraud
16
00:00:43,639 --> 00:00:46,180
will affect people's perception
that I'm not a broke fraud?
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00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:47,722
Don't get so worked up.
18
00:00:47,806 --> 00:00:49,097
Everyone's public persona
19
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:50,972
is a little different
than who they are.
20
00:00:51,055 --> 00:00:52,597
But d-did you know
that Johnny Carson
21
00:00:52,681 --> 00:00:54,347
was actually really shy?
22
00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:56,514
[vomits] Fascinating,
but not the same.
23
00:00:56,597 --> 00:00:58,514
We gotta get out
of this news cycle.
24
00:00:58,597 --> 00:01:00,222
I need you to FaceTime
Brian Williams,
25
00:01:00,305 --> 00:01:01,847
and I'm gonna
show him my junk!
26
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,472
[vomits] Oh, great.
There goes $300 in oysters!
27
00:01:05,555 --> 00:01:07,347
This is like that dream
where you show up to class
28
00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:09,097
and you're wearing
a shirt that says
29
00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:11,305
"I'm the worst businessman
in the world!"
30
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:14,263
Hey! Hey! Look me in
my weird dog bottom teeth!
31
00:01:14,347 --> 00:01:16,972
You are the most powerful person
in the world,
32
00:01:17,055 --> 00:01:19,389
and no one can take that
away from you!
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00:01:19,472 --> 00:01:22,013
Vice President Joe Biden's
poll numbers are surging
34
00:01:22,097 --> 00:01:24,472
well ahead of Trump
in states across the country...
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00:01:24,555 --> 00:01:26,472
I'm sure it's just
the blue states.
36
00:01:26,555 --> 00:01:27,931
...including Texas.
37
00:01:28,013 --> 00:01:29,847
-[vomits]
-There it is. Let it out.
38
00:01:29,931 --> 00:01:32,055
Hey! You don't need
to be president!
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00:01:32,138 --> 00:01:33,389
You're rich!
40
00:01:33,472 --> 00:01:35,055
Oh, wait. Never mind.
[vomits]
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Here was Biden
earlier today somewhere.
42
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,305
Voters are getting behind
my inspiring message.
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00:01:40,389 --> 00:01:43,347
If you elect me president,
Trump won't be president!
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00:01:43,430 --> 00:01:46,097
That's a good campaign slogan.
Maybe we can steal it!
45
00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:48,764
I just gotta not say
anything dumb for 18 months.
46
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,263
All right.
Let's get some questions.
47
00:01:50,347 --> 00:01:52,263
You there
with the religious hat!
48
00:01:52,347 --> 00:01:53,681
And it's not just Joe Biden.
49
00:01:53,764 --> 00:01:55,430
Every other Democratic candidate
50
00:01:55,514 --> 00:01:57,430
is beating Jonald --
Donald Trump.
51
00:01:57,514 --> 00:01:58,806
Even Pete Buttigieg,
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00:01:58,889 --> 00:02:00,681
who is the Chuck Todd
of the candidates.
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00:02:00,764 --> 00:02:03,347
[sneezes] And maybe the worst
news for President Trump --
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00:02:03,430 --> 00:02:05,013
the democrats
are firming up a date
55
00:02:05,097 --> 00:02:06,889
for Robert Mueller to testify.
56
00:02:06,972 --> 00:02:09,055
Get your popcorn.
Hey! Look at you!
57
00:02:09,138 --> 00:02:11,389
You heard all that news,
and you haven't barfed yet!
58
00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,013
Here it comes!
[vomits]
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00:02:13,097 --> 00:02:15,180
Ahh!
Morning routine complete.
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00:02:15,263 --> 00:02:17,430
Rudy, today's gonna be
a great day!
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00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:19,597
♪♪♪
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Don't listen to Mueller.
I've never been on this show!
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♪♪♪
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00:02:28,263 --> 00:02:31,847
Ahh, another day in heaven,
working for fat dad.
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00:02:31,931 --> 00:02:34,639
This is the best and first job
I've ever had!
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00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,806
Shut up! He's coming!
I'm gonna shit!
67
00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:38,889
-Daddy!
-Dad!
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00:02:38,972 --> 00:02:41,055
Hey, kids. I made you
breakfast this morning.
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-Yes!
-Yeah!
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00:02:42,180 --> 00:02:44,305
Relax. It's just
a figure of speech.
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00:02:44,389 --> 00:02:45,555
Good news, Daddy!
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00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:48,055
I kept my mouth shut
on another divisive issue!
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00:02:48,138 --> 00:02:50,180
And my analytics are
going freakin' nuts
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00:02:50,263 --> 00:02:52,889
for this photo of me holding
a rifle inside a fish's mouth.
75
00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:57,263
And I just found out there's
a cool skeleton inside of me!
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00:02:57,347 --> 00:02:58,972
Look at us --
me in this big chair,
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00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:00,597
you guys over there,
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00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,681
a million-man militia ready
to tear this country in two
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00:03:03,764 --> 00:03:05,263
as soon as I say, "Charge."
80
00:03:05,347 --> 00:03:07,722
What more could we want?
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00:03:07,806 --> 00:03:11,430
Dad, that Mueller report
stirred up some old feelings
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00:03:11,514 --> 00:03:13,514
for Trump Tower Moscow, huh?
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00:03:13,597 --> 00:03:15,180
♪ somber music plays ♪
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00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,597
I'm perfectly happy
where I am --
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00:03:17,681 --> 00:03:20,681
in this drafty house full
of people who make me read.
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00:03:20,764 --> 00:03:23,263
Besides, it's not like someone
else wants to build there.
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00:03:23,347 --> 00:03:24,931
Someone else
wants to build there!
88
00:03:25,013 --> 00:03:26,681
I'm Wolf Blitzer,
89
00:03:26,764 --> 00:03:30,430
and erotic hypnotists never
choose me as the volunteer.
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00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:34,222
Vladimir Putin has sold the land
reserved for Trump Tower Moscow
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00:03:34,305 --> 00:03:37,222
to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos,
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00:03:37,305 --> 00:03:39,222
a man whose head shot
and dick pic
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00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:41,138
are indistinguishable
to the human eye.
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00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,681
I'm excited
to work with Putin,
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00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,722
even though we have
very little in common.
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00:03:44,806 --> 00:03:46,222
He's an oppressive autocrat,
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00:03:46,305 --> 00:03:48,305
and I'm just a cool boss
who improves productivity
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00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:51,097
by making workers
piss and shit themselves.
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00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:53,222
Whatever.
I'm so over it.
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00:03:53,305 --> 00:03:54,722
Idiot liar!
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I almost built a gorgeous tower
with a murderous dictator.
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You never get over it.
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Yeah, like my wife
and kids
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00:04:00,639 --> 00:04:02,430
after I left them
for a background actress
105
00:04:02,514 --> 00:04:05,222
hoping for her big break
at 38. Not happening.
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00:04:05,305 --> 00:04:07,138
You want to build
Trump Tower Moscow?
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00:04:07,222 --> 00:04:09,472
I mean, why not just burst
into Robert Mueller's office
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00:04:09,555 --> 00:04:11,013
and shout,
"I want a do-over"?
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00:04:11,097 --> 00:04:13,722
Relax. I'm in a good place,
and to prove it,
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00:04:13,806 --> 00:04:17,472
I will lovingly remember my time
with the Tower once more.
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[President Trump]
It all started in 2015
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when I first laid eyes on her.
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I'm sorry.
You're such a klutz.
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♪ romantic music plays ♪
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Ahh. I knew right then
I had to have it,
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no matter how many laws
I need to break
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or times Robert De Niro
would call me the C-word
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00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:36,764
on the Kids' Choice Awards.
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I signed a letter of intent
the next day.
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00:04:39,430 --> 00:04:41,263
We were going to be
together forever.
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00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,806
Then something terrible
happened.
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00:04:43,889 --> 00:04:45,972
[man]
Donald Trump has been elected
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President of the United States.
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Hey. Uh, have you seen the plans
for Trump Tower Moscow?
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We're going to spend the weekend
together at Bear Mountain!
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00:04:53,681 --> 00:04:55,055
Forget that building.
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You just scored with a building
way older and squatter.
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00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:59,472
The White House!
129
00:04:59,555 --> 00:05:01,055
But that's impossible!
130
00:05:01,138 --> 00:05:03,597
I said John McCain
wasn't a war hero!
131
00:05:03,681 --> 00:05:06,722
I-I accused a reporter
of menstruating on the job!
132
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,722
I told everyone how big
and strong my hog was!
133
00:05:09,806 --> 00:05:11,597
I spent an entire debate
134
00:05:11,681 --> 00:05:14,597
just kind of lurking
behind my opponent!!
135
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,472
[sobbing]
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00:05:16,555 --> 00:05:18,055
Just let him
cry it out.
137
00:05:18,138 --> 00:05:20,305
Uh, Pompeo, what's
going on at, uh, State?
138
00:05:20,389 --> 00:05:22,097
I talked to the Turks
over the weekend.
Pompeo, you bastard!
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00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:23,681
There's a man in
pain over here!
And they've agreed
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00:05:23,764 --> 00:05:25,138
to hold off on any
engagement with the Kurds
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00:05:25,222 --> 00:05:26,764
for the next 90 days.
I wanna die!
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00:05:26,847 --> 00:05:28,055
Don't you understand?!
The Turks have
made it clear that --
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00:05:28,138 --> 00:05:29,889
[woman]
We're on in five!
144
00:05:29,972 --> 00:05:31,180
Nancy, we've done it.
145
00:05:31,263 --> 00:05:33,305
We've proven
all the doubters wrong.
146
00:05:33,389 --> 00:05:36,472
I can't believe we have
the majority in the House.
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00:05:36,555 --> 00:05:38,472
And the minority
in the Senate,
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00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,639
which is even more powerful
than the majority.
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00:05:40,722 --> 00:05:43,305
And now for our biggest
achievement yet --
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00:05:43,389 --> 00:05:47,806
an interview with the crimson
goatee himself, Chuck Todd!
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00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:51,722
♪♪♪
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00:05:55,305 --> 00:05:57,055
[coughs]
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00:05:57,138 --> 00:05:59,722
My name is Chuck Todd,
and I look like it.
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00:05:59,806 --> 00:06:00,931
We're joined this Sunday
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00:06:01,013 --> 00:06:03,597
by, uh, Speaker Pelosi
and Leader Schumer,
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00:06:03,681 --> 00:06:06,180
who have requested the audience
genuflect before them.
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00:06:06,263 --> 00:06:11,097
♪♪♪
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00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:14,013
Okay.
First and only question.
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00:06:14,097 --> 00:06:16,472
Are you friends with
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,
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00:06:16,555 --> 00:06:18,013
and, i-if so,
what is she like?
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00:06:18,097 --> 00:06:19,806
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
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Ahhhhh...
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00:06:24,430 --> 00:06:26,013
Sir,
is everything okay?
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00:06:26,097 --> 00:06:27,681
You're sighing so loud,
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00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:30,347
Karen can't hear herself
search for gay fingerprints.
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00:06:30,430 --> 00:06:31,472
They were here!
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00:06:31,555 --> 00:06:32,681
The scented hand soap
168
00:06:32,764 --> 00:06:35,681
is below the line I drew
on the dispenser!
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00:06:35,764 --> 00:06:38,472
I've never fallen
for anything or anyone
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00:06:38,555 --> 00:06:40,931
like I did
for Trump Tower Moscow.
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00:06:42,722 --> 00:06:44,931
[sarcastically]
Oh, no. I'm so jealous.
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00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,138
Maybe it'd be better
to make it work
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00:06:47,222 --> 00:06:49,639
with this stable,
stocky White House.
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00:06:49,722 --> 00:06:51,681
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
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00:06:51,764 --> 00:06:53,972
It has its quirks, but at least
it was built by slaves.
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00:06:54,055 --> 00:06:55,722
There ya go!
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00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:58,806
The corporate tax rate
may be 21%,
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00:06:58,889 --> 00:07:01,764
but corporations
never pay that, honey!
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00:07:01,847 --> 00:07:04,263
She gets way more attention
than us,
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00:07:04,347 --> 00:07:07,931
and she hasn't passed one bill
that weakens teachers' unions!
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00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:11,180
After we won Congress, I assumed
the youths would worship us
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00:07:11,263 --> 00:07:13,472
for the rest of their
hopeless, debt-ridden lives.
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00:07:13,555 --> 00:07:15,097
Clearly, the kids
are responding
184
00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:19,138
to something AOC has
that we don't.
185
00:07:19,222 --> 00:07:21,347
[both] A microwave!
186
00:07:21,430 --> 00:07:23,681
Nancy, have you ever
microwaved before?
187
00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:25,806
-What am I -- a chef?!
-All right.
188
00:07:25,889 --> 00:07:28,305
You press "record," and I'll
just start pushing stuff.
189
00:07:28,389 --> 00:07:30,722
[sirens wailing, horns blaring]
190
00:07:30,806 --> 00:07:33,097
Are we viral?
191
00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:35,430
Nancy, we need to see
the one person in this town
192
00:07:35,514 --> 00:07:38,347
who knows how to use
a microwave -- Ocasio-Cortez.
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00:07:38,430 --> 00:07:40,889
[President Trump]
Pence is right.
194
00:07:40,972 --> 00:07:42,055
I don't need a hotel
195
00:07:42,138 --> 00:07:44,305
with 80 Russian hookers
roaming the hallways.
196
00:07:44,389 --> 00:07:47,389
I get to live
at 1600 Washington Avenue.
197
00:07:47,472 --> 00:07:49,889
-Rah! Ahh!
-Don, what are you doing?!
198
00:07:49,972 --> 00:07:51,889
Those were
Dolley Madison's plates!
199
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,472
I was gonna sell those!
200
00:07:53,555 --> 00:07:56,430
I'm sick of this!
Dad, you're my best friend.
201
00:07:56,514 --> 00:07:57,931
-[laughing]
-Shut up!
202
00:07:58,013 --> 00:07:59,639
-Stop it!
-You're my best...
203
00:07:59,722 --> 00:08:01,597
Stop it!
I'm gonna get the hiccups!
204
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:03,013
...friend.
205
00:08:03,097 --> 00:08:05,472
But in six years, if you're
still wasting your life
206
00:08:05,555 --> 00:08:07,305
in some crappy White House
207
00:08:07,389 --> 00:08:10,055
instead of pursuing
the tower of your dreams,
208
00:08:10,138 --> 00:08:11,972
I will kick your ass!
209
00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:12,972
[plate shatters]
210
00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:14,555
You're right, Don.
211
00:08:14,639 --> 00:08:16,722
[Don screaming]
I loved that tower.
212
00:08:16,806 --> 00:08:19,597
♪♪♪
213
00:08:19,681 --> 00:08:22,639
♪ Far across the sea ♪
214
00:08:22,722 --> 00:08:26,263
♪ In the motherland ♪
215
00:08:26,347 --> 00:08:28,889
♪ Was my Trump Tower ♪
216
00:08:28,972 --> 00:08:32,097
♪ Moscow ♪
217
00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:35,305
♪ A legitimate ♪
218
00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:39,222
♪ Venture of my brand ♪
219
00:08:39,305 --> 00:08:43,972
♪ My sweet Trump Tower Moscow ♪
220
00:08:44,055 --> 00:08:45,263
♪♪♪
221
00:08:45,347 --> 00:08:49,222
♪ Moscow ♪
222
00:08:49,305 --> 00:08:52,430
♪ Moscow ♪
223
00:08:52,514 --> 00:08:55,806
♪ Moscow ♪
224
00:08:55,889 --> 00:08:57,889
♪ Right behind
those golden doors ♪
225
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,722
♪ Is the best hotel
you've ever seen ♪
226
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,931
♪ Step onto those
linoleum floors ♪
227
00:09:03,013 --> 00:09:06,555
♪ Covered with faux marbling ♪
228
00:09:06,639 --> 00:09:09,472
♪ And the lady at the counter
typing way too loud ♪
229
00:09:09,555 --> 00:09:12,389
♪ Hands you your two room keys ♪
230
00:09:12,472 --> 00:09:13,806
♪ Giving you the ticket ♪
231
00:09:13,889 --> 00:09:18,013
♪ To world-class amenities ♪
232
00:09:18,097 --> 00:09:19,305
♪ Like a fitness room ♪
233
00:09:19,389 --> 00:09:20,806
♪ With a stationary bike ♪
234
00:09:20,889 --> 00:09:21,972
♪ And an ice machine ♪
235
00:09:22,055 --> 00:09:23,430
♪ Making tap-water ice ♪
236
00:09:23,514 --> 00:09:25,806
♪ And a restaurant ♪
237
00:09:25,889 --> 00:09:29,222
♪ That's really nice ♪
238
00:09:29,305 --> 00:09:30,764
♪ And a mini bar ♪
239
00:09:30,847 --> 00:09:32,430
♪ With 12-dollar Sprites ♪
240
00:09:32,514 --> 00:09:33,472
♪ And a business center ♪
241
00:09:33,555 --> 00:09:35,180
♪ With fluorescent lights ♪
242
00:09:35,263 --> 00:09:37,347
♪ And a restaurant ♪
243
00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:40,722
♪ That's really nice ♪
244
00:09:40,806 --> 00:09:43,764
♪ Really nice ♪
245
00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:47,180
♪ It would have been
my Trump Tower ♪
246
00:09:47,263 --> 00:09:50,514
♪ But now I'm in power ♪
247
00:09:50,597 --> 00:09:53,931
♪ Was my Trump Tower ♪
248
00:09:54,013 --> 00:09:58,013
♪ Moscow ♪
249
00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:03,389
All those in favor of funding
Trump Tower Moscow, say, "Aye,"
250
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,389
except Susan Collins,
which is a given.
251
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,180
Hey! That's true!
252
00:10:07,263 --> 00:10:08,514
Those who oppose?
253
00:10:08,597 --> 00:10:10,514
-No!
-Are you fucking insane?!
254
00:10:10,597 --> 00:10:13,305
The "are you fucking insanes"
have it.
255
00:10:13,389 --> 00:10:14,555
You guys are jerks!
256
00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:17,305
I'm gonna get
my Russian hotel built
257
00:10:17,389 --> 00:10:19,138
because I know, in my bones,
258
00:10:19,222 --> 00:10:21,889
it's what
the American people want!
259
00:10:21,972 --> 00:10:23,389
Last night,
your approval rating
260
00:10:23,472 --> 00:10:25,555
went through a slight
25-point adjustment.
261
00:10:25,639 --> 00:10:28,430
Bill Shine, I told you
that tie was a loser!
262
00:10:28,514 --> 00:10:30,514
Sir, I used to handle
the settlements at Fox News.
263
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:31,806
If it's money you desire,
264
00:10:31,889 --> 00:10:33,597
just accuse me
of sexually harassing you.
265
00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:35,639
I'll take out my checkbook.
We'll settle this right here.
266
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,013
Ahh, money's great.
267
00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:39,555
It's just that every time
I close my eyes,
268
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,389
I picture myself
with that tower.
269
00:10:42,472 --> 00:10:45,055
Two point five little towers
running around.
270
00:10:45,138 --> 00:10:48,764
Every Christmas, we stand around
the piano singing tower songs.
271
00:10:48,847 --> 00:10:51,180
We raise them
half-tower, half-human.
272
00:10:51,263 --> 00:10:54,430
Sure, it's gonna be tough,
but we're family.
273
00:10:54,514 --> 00:10:56,097
Let's get that
feel-good nonsense
274
00:10:56,180 --> 00:10:57,681
in front
of the American people.
275
00:10:57,764 --> 00:11:00,138
First up, your most
pitiful sycophants.
276
00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:02,389
♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
277
00:11:02,472 --> 00:11:04,639
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
278
00:11:04,722 --> 00:11:06,472
Your grandkids
don't speak to you,
279
00:11:06,555 --> 00:11:08,681
but you've still got
Fox & Friends!
280
00:11:08,764 --> 00:11:10,722
We flipped on the lights
this mornin',
281
00:11:10,806 --> 00:11:13,639
and the President of the United
States was already sitting here!
282
00:11:13,722 --> 00:11:15,138
Please explain
to the dumb-dumbs
283
00:11:15,222 --> 00:11:17,972
why we need to build
a Trump Tower on Russian soil.
284
00:11:18,055 --> 00:11:20,639
Democrats act like they care
so much about foreigners,
285
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,847
but what about all those
Russian oligarchs
286
00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:25,764
unable to soak in a one-jet,
teacup Jacuzzi
287
00:11:25,847 --> 00:11:27,847
with knobs that squeak
like dolphins?
288
00:11:27,931 --> 00:11:30,013
-Aww!
-You're not dreamin', folks.
289
00:11:30,097 --> 00:11:32,722
The President's here,
and we're talkin' dolphins.
290
00:11:32,806 --> 00:11:36,055
[muzak playing over speakers]
291
00:11:36,138 --> 00:11:37,722
-AOC!
-Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!
292
00:11:37,806 --> 00:11:39,097
Aah! Oh.
I thought you two died.
293
00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:41,722
The microwave parts
missed every artery.
294
00:11:41,806 --> 00:11:43,472
Let's get to why
we're all here.
295
00:11:43,555 --> 00:11:45,555
For some reason,
the youths don't realize
296
00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:47,389
we're the coolest cats
in cat town.
297
00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:50,472
Me-ow! We need your help
getting the word out.
298
00:11:50,555 --> 00:11:52,555
Can we pick your brain
over dinner?
299
00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:54,055
How does 4:45
work for you?
300
00:11:54,138 --> 00:11:56,013
Ohh, I don't think
I can make it
301
00:11:56,097 --> 00:11:58,013
because my entire
political appeal
302
00:11:58,097 --> 00:12:00,514
is based on never, ever
being seen with you two.
303
00:12:00,597 --> 00:12:01,597
What's it gonna take?
304
00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,597
How about
gold nail clippers
305
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,972
Jerry Nadler gave me
at last year's Christmas party?
306
00:12:06,055 --> 00:12:07,430
Lightly used every day.
307
00:12:07,514 --> 00:12:08,847
Don't do it, Chuck!
308
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,806
Maybe get off
your rich, bony asses
309
00:12:10,889 --> 00:12:13,639
and create a commission
for my Green New Deal, honey!
310
00:12:13,722 --> 00:12:15,263
-Done.
-Oh, thank God.
311
00:12:15,347 --> 00:12:17,389
I thought I was gonna have to
give up those nail clippers!
312
00:12:17,472 --> 00:12:21,806
If there's a hell,
I'm pretty sure we're gonna go.
313
00:12:21,889 --> 00:12:24,430
Oh, Jesus.
Enough with the hell talk, Eric.
314
00:12:24,514 --> 00:12:26,222
Everything's gonna be fine,
315
00:12:26,305 --> 00:12:29,305
after Giuliani turns in
another flawless performance.
316
00:12:29,389 --> 00:12:30,972
Isn't this hotel
an obvious scam
317
00:12:31,055 --> 00:12:32,639
designed to enrich
the President?
318
00:12:32,722 --> 00:12:34,472
D-D-D-D-- I'm gonna stop you
right there, Chuck.
319
00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:36,764
If anything, it would be
illegal for the President
320
00:12:36,847 --> 00:12:38,806
not to build
Trump Tower Moscow.
321
00:12:38,889 --> 00:12:41,138
Sure, he's gonna make a buck,
but he has to run a building.
322
00:12:41,222 --> 00:12:44,055
He's got some hairy Olaf guy
calling him at 3 a.m.
323
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:45,347
saying the pipes are banging.
324
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:47,639
Donald's gotta climb 80 floors
in sweatpants,
325
00:12:47,722 --> 00:12:49,931
rip down the plaster, take out
his big, goofy flashlight,
326
00:12:50,013 --> 00:12:51,555
act like he knows
what he's doing.
327
00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:53,138
He doesn't know
what he's doing!
328
00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:54,263
[cellphone rings]
329
00:12:54,347 --> 00:12:55,806
Oh, Donald's calling.
Hold on.
330
00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:57,472
-What are you doing?!
-What did I say?
331
00:12:57,555 --> 00:12:59,931
-Wow. Ok-- Rings a bell.
-...fucking asshole!
332
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,722
Ahh, you're kidding me.
All right. Let me tr--
333
00:13:01,806 --> 00:13:03,472
Okay. I'll try. I'll try. Okay.
334
00:13:03,555 --> 00:13:05,597
All right. Let me get back
to what I said about --
335
00:13:05,681 --> 00:13:07,263
I forgot. Hold on
Let me call him back.
336
00:13:07,347 --> 00:13:08,972
♪♪♪
337
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:11,305
-[Schumer] Is it on?
-[Pelosi] Is it working?
338
00:13:11,389 --> 00:13:12,806
Hello, constituents.
339
00:13:12,889 --> 00:13:16,472
Join the new "I'm with Blue,
how about you?" campaign
340
00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:18,013
to urge Democrats
341
00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:20,180
to drop the fight for
a livable minimum wage.
342
00:13:20,263 --> 00:13:21,722
[Ocasio-Cortez] Okay.
No, honey, let's cut.
343
00:13:21,806 --> 00:13:23,013
We didn't get to announce
344
00:13:23,097 --> 00:13:26,389
which donor tier
gets an XL Monsanto shirt!
345
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,931
Low-key,
people are tired
346
00:13:28,013 --> 00:13:30,472
of scripted,
focus-grouped messages.
347
00:13:30,555 --> 00:13:32,514
They want
passionate leaders.
348
00:13:32,597 --> 00:13:34,639
Great. Which passions
are polling the best?
349
00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:37,138
Forget it. I gotta go to
Senator Dick Durbin's party.
350
00:13:37,222 --> 00:13:38,514
It's gonna be lit!
351
00:13:38,597 --> 00:13:40,055
[gasps] Chuck!
352
00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:42,722
We weren't invited
to the Durbin Derby!
353
00:13:42,806 --> 00:13:44,681
But I kept that secret
about him using
354
00:13:44,764 --> 00:13:47,305
the Congressional blow dryer
on his bean bag!
355
00:13:47,389 --> 00:13:48,889
Alexandria, wait!
356
00:13:48,972 --> 00:13:50,639
We can do this.
357
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,055
Sir, we've tried everything
to convince the country
358
00:13:54,138 --> 00:13:56,347
to build your wacky hotel,
including releasing
359
00:13:56,430 --> 00:13:59,138
a limited-edition
Trump Tower Moscow Man cereal.
360
00:13:59,222 --> 00:14:01,180
Unfortunately,
it tasted like bricks.
361
00:14:01,263 --> 00:14:02,389
Have you considered
362
00:14:02,472 --> 00:14:04,722
just declaring another
national emergency?
363
00:14:04,806 --> 00:14:06,472
How dare you suggest
such a thing!
364
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:08,555
I learned my lesson
and will never again
365
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,097
violate my sacred duty
to the Constitu--
366
00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:12,806
I'm kidding. It's done.
What's for lunch?
367
00:14:12,889 --> 00:14:14,347
♪♪♪
368
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,764
[President Trump] I requested
a joint session of Congress
369
00:14:16,847 --> 00:14:18,931
because I supposedly negotiated
370
00:14:19,013 --> 00:14:22,472
a two-state solution
between Israel and Palestine.
371
00:14:22,555 --> 00:14:24,347
The truth is,
I've done nothing of the sort.
372
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:27,389
Yay! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Yay!
373
00:14:27,472 --> 00:14:29,222
Actually,
I'm just letting you know
374
00:14:29,305 --> 00:14:31,764
that because you guys
are being such jerks about it,
375
00:14:31,847 --> 00:14:34,305
I'm declaring
a national emergency
376
00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:36,305
to build Trump Tower Moscow!
377
00:14:36,389 --> 00:14:37,597
[Congress] Boo!
378
00:14:37,681 --> 00:14:40,013
Come on. You love it.
379
00:14:40,097 --> 00:14:41,722
[crowd cheering]
380
00:14:41,806 --> 00:14:43,597
We're here with my squad.
381
00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:46,263
There's the OG,
Chuck Schumer...
382
00:14:46,347 --> 00:14:47,597
Mr. Cool!
383
00:14:47,681 --> 00:14:51,389
...and Queen Nancy Pelosi!
384
00:14:51,472 --> 00:14:53,347
Fancy Nancy!
385
00:14:53,430 --> 00:14:57,180
And we think that before
we build hotels in Moscow,
386
00:14:57,263 --> 00:15:00,806
we need to focus
on a Green New Deal, honey!
387
00:15:00,889 --> 00:15:02,931
Yes, and how will we
pay for it?
388
00:15:03,013 --> 00:15:04,806
You guys know the dealio.
389
00:15:04,889 --> 00:15:07,514
Massive tax increases
on the wealthy!
390
00:15:07,597 --> 00:15:09,597
Yo, honey!
Okurrr!
391
00:15:09,681 --> 00:15:11,097
[President Trump] Wow!
392
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:13,639
It's so easy declaring
a national emergency!
393
00:15:13,722 --> 00:15:16,681
I might do another one tomorrow.
Depends what's on TV.
394
00:15:16,764 --> 00:15:18,013
Anyway, let's break ground
395
00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:20,514
before this Bezos guy
starts mowing my lawn.
396
00:15:20,597 --> 00:15:22,222
Oh, bad news, kiddo.
397
00:15:22,305 --> 00:15:24,931
I just found this pesky
regulation in the NATO charter
398
00:15:25,013 --> 00:15:26,597
that says
you can't build here
399
00:15:26,681 --> 00:15:28,472
unless you pull out
of NATO, of course.
400
00:15:28,555 --> 00:15:29,681
-Really?
-Yeah, yeah.
401
00:15:29,764 --> 00:15:31,889
It's in the really long
and boring part.
402
00:15:32,013 --> 00:15:34,263
Ugh! That sounds
really long and boring.
403
00:15:34,347 --> 00:15:36,806
Problem is, everything
everyone says I can't do,
404
00:15:36,889 --> 00:15:38,639
I do, and everyone's like,
"Fine. Whatever."
405
00:15:38,722 --> 00:15:40,222
But pulling out of NATO
is the one thing
406
00:15:40,305 --> 00:15:42,347
everyone's like, "No, that one
you really can't do."
407
00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:43,681
Aww. Too bad.
408
00:15:43,764 --> 00:15:45,806
Hey! Uh, Trump's
too much of a wuss!
409
00:15:45,889 --> 00:15:48,514
Bezos, it's a go!
Fantastic!
410
00:15:48,597 --> 00:15:51,972
My distribution center is gonna
have 50 floors, one bathroom,
411
00:15:52,055 --> 00:15:53,555
and a really nice
restaurant.
412
00:15:53,639 --> 00:15:56,472
Hey! Making the restaurant
really nice was my idea!
413
00:15:56,555 --> 00:15:58,013
H-How do I pull out of NATO?
414
00:15:58,097 --> 00:16:00,764
I don't have an Allen wrench,
FYI, if that's a part of it.
415
00:16:00,847 --> 00:16:02,472
♪♪♪
416
00:16:02,555 --> 00:16:04,472
[both snoring]
417
00:16:04,555 --> 00:16:07,097
-Ahh...
-Ohh...
418
00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:08,847
Aah! Free college!
419
00:16:08,931 --> 00:16:11,806
Chuck, wake up!
What happened last night?
420
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:14,097
I had this dream we promised
to do some stuff
421
00:16:14,180 --> 00:16:16,138
that would require
a political spine.
422
00:16:16,222 --> 00:16:18,347
Your housekeepers are
probably just poisoning you.
423
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,931
It happens to all of us
eventually.
424
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,222
Well,
should we head outside
425
00:16:21,305 --> 00:16:23,514
and joylessly pursue
our modest goals?
426
00:16:23,597 --> 00:16:25,514
After you, my hack.
427
00:16:25,597 --> 00:16:26,764
[crowd cheering]
428
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:28,222
[woman] We love you, Nancy!
429
00:16:28,305 --> 00:16:29,889
[man] We stan you, Chuck!
430
00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:32,472
-[crowd chanting] Eat the rich!
-"Eat the rich"?
431
00:16:32,555 --> 00:16:34,430
What the hell are these people
talking about?!
432
00:16:34,514 --> 00:16:37,472
AOC! That bitch!
433
00:16:37,555 --> 00:16:39,430
♪♪♪
434
00:16:39,514 --> 00:16:40,931
Just want to thank you all
435
00:16:41,013 --> 00:16:43,347
for supporting
my emergency declaration.
436
00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:44,681
[all] Ehh...
437
00:16:44,764 --> 00:16:47,180
And I was thinking,
what better way to celebrate
438
00:16:47,263 --> 00:16:49,889
than to pull out of NATO?
[all] Whoa!
439
00:16:49,972 --> 00:16:52,097
Pulling out of NATO is nuts!
And that's coming from someone
440
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,347
who sleeps upside down
in a coffin.
441
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,889
I sleep on my side, and my wife
says that sometimes I snore.
442
00:16:57,972 --> 00:16:59,931
Pompeo, just because
people are talking
443
00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:01,722
doesn't mean
you have to talk, too.
444
00:17:01,806 --> 00:17:05,347
Sir, an international conspiracy
between autocratic populists
445
00:17:05,430 --> 00:17:06,889
is a two-way street.
446
00:17:06,972 --> 00:17:08,681
I see you doing things
for Putin,
447
00:17:08,764 --> 00:17:10,555
but what has he done
for you?
448
00:17:10,639 --> 00:17:13,013
He does things for America
all the time.
449
00:17:13,097 --> 00:17:14,764
Moana.
Yeah, I think he did that.
450
00:17:14,847 --> 00:17:17,180
The supermoon was his.
You're just jealous.
451
00:17:17,263 --> 00:17:19,597
My wife gets jealous
when I spend too much time
452
00:17:19,681 --> 00:17:20,889
watching the ballgame.
453
00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:22,472
She hates you, Pompeo!
Everyone does!
454
00:17:22,555 --> 00:17:24,263
You're like if curdled milk
grew a mouth
455
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,097
and couldn't all the way
zip his pants.
456
00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:30,180
Good point, @PikaChoomGang87.
457
00:17:30,263 --> 00:17:34,263
We can't prepare for climate
refugees until we abolish ICE.
458
00:17:34,347 --> 00:17:36,972
Hold that thought.
AOC needs a pizza bagel.
459
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:38,138
[glass shatters]
460
00:17:38,222 --> 00:17:39,889
You ruined us!
461
00:17:39,972 --> 00:17:43,013
Now our donors think
we're some kind of liberals!
462
00:17:43,097 --> 00:17:45,430
Do you know how many bags
of Monsanto fertilizer
463
00:17:45,514 --> 00:17:47,722
I'm gonna have to chug
to get my calls returned?!
464
00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:50,263
You do realize that just
because you cracked the screen
465
00:17:50,347 --> 00:17:52,764
doesn't mean that
you broke the camera.
466
00:17:52,847 --> 00:17:56,347
So all this is...
'Gramming out?
467
00:17:56,430 --> 00:17:57,889
[Ocasio-Cortez]
Say hi to two million people
468
00:17:57,972 --> 00:18:00,806
who got into politics
maybe five months ago!
469
00:18:00,889 --> 00:18:04,097
Can you believe my Cabinet
thinks you're using me?
470
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:07,097
Look, you don't need a Cabinet.
Okay? That settles that.
471
00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:09,472
Okay, so, for
the Trump Tower Lobby,
472
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:12,180
I'm thinking some gold,
maybe a front desk with a lady.
473
00:18:12,263 --> 00:18:14,347
Ahh, forget about
the stupid tower.
474
00:18:14,430 --> 00:18:16,597
You need to focus
on pulling out of NATO.
475
00:18:16,681 --> 00:18:19,514
Back up! Did you just
call the tower stupid?
476
00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:21,639
Trump, I love you, but if you
don't pull out of NATO,
477
00:18:21,722 --> 00:18:23,180
this is not
going to work.
478
00:18:23,263 --> 00:18:25,472
No. You hang up fir--
[line clicks, dial tone]
479
00:18:25,555 --> 00:18:26,639
God damn it!
480
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,514
No one say a friggin' word!
481
00:18:29,597 --> 00:18:31,472
I called
an emergency joint session
482
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:34,555
to say I didn't want that tower
in the first place!
483
00:18:34,639 --> 00:18:36,222
I'm perfectly happy as...
484
00:18:36,305 --> 00:18:38,514
[sobbing] president.
485
00:18:38,597 --> 00:18:42,472
I don't need portraits
of beaches in the lobby,
486
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,263
a pool with eye-hurting water,
487
00:18:45,347 --> 00:18:48,263
one person at the front desk
who isn't waiting on anybody,
488
00:18:48,347 --> 00:18:50,013
but you can't talk to them
489
00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:52,138
because they're looking down
at something!
490
00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:53,389
[glass shatters]
491
00:18:53,472 --> 00:18:56,263
[sobs] It hurts so bad!
492
00:18:56,347 --> 00:18:58,889
I'm still gonna support him,
but just out of pity.
493
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,222
[President Trump sobbing]
494
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,180
[President Trump]
Nom-nom-nom-nom!
495
00:19:02,263 --> 00:19:04,097
You're too good
for that tower, sir.
496
00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:06,681
You need to get back out there
and build another monstrosity,
497
00:19:06,764 --> 00:19:08,305
maybe a detention center
498
00:19:08,389 --> 00:19:10,972
or a self-sealing cube
for menstruating women.
499
00:19:11,055 --> 00:19:13,931
I'm just worried that
I let my soulmate get away.
500
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,097
[belches]
501
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:19,138
[up-tempo music plays on radio]
502
00:19:19,222 --> 00:19:22,138
[Pelosi]
We're in a pickle, Chuck.
503
00:19:22,222 --> 00:19:24,555
If we act like ourselves,
we're despised,
504
00:19:24,639 --> 00:19:27,055
but if we act like AOC,
we're popular.
505
00:19:27,138 --> 00:19:28,430
What do we do?!
506
00:19:28,514 --> 00:19:31,305
[sighs] Let's just
become Republicans.
507
00:19:31,389 --> 00:19:34,430
Ah, we couldn't live with
ourselves if we got stuff done.
508
00:19:34,514 --> 00:19:37,138
You're right. You know what?
We should open a travel agency!
509
00:19:37,222 --> 00:19:40,263
No one uses travel agents
anymore.
510
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,681
Exactly! We'd be
the only ones out there!
511
00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:46,597
But no one uses them!
That's why they don't exist!
512
00:19:46,681 --> 00:19:49,514
I know!
That's the point!
513
00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:50,889
♪♪♪
514
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:53,931
[whistling]
515
00:19:54,013 --> 00:19:56,430
Someone's got the sillies.
What got into you?
516
00:19:56,514 --> 00:19:58,305
I had a great idea
last night.
517
00:19:58,389 --> 00:20:01,055
What if we build
Trump Tower Moscow...
518
00:20:01,138 --> 00:20:04,138
in Rio, Brazil, baby?!
519
00:20:04,222 --> 00:20:06,597
Dad, that sounds awesome,
but the only place
520
00:20:06,681 --> 00:20:09,222
you're building
Trump Tower Moscow Rio
521
00:20:09,305 --> 00:20:10,597
is in Moscow.
522
00:20:10,681 --> 00:20:13,764
Why? Because you're still
hung up on that hot-ass hotel.
523
00:20:13,847 --> 00:20:14,889
I'm so not.
524
00:20:14,972 --> 00:20:16,514
Then why did I find this
under your bed
525
00:20:16,597 --> 00:20:19,514
next to blueprints for
something called Pizza Car?
526
00:20:19,597 --> 00:20:21,806
Ever since you launched
your campaign,
527
00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:25,597
the Democrats, Robert Mueller,
everyone on Earth
528
00:20:25,681 --> 00:20:28,347
has been trying to figure out
why you kiss Russia's ass,
529
00:20:28,430 --> 00:20:31,263
as if it's something
more complicated than it is.
530
00:20:31,347 --> 00:20:32,347
What is it?
531
00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:35,347
Love...
of a shit ton of money.
532
00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:38,722
But the tower's moved on
with Jeff Bezos.
533
00:20:38,806 --> 00:20:42,013
A lot of towers would love
your name on them. That I know.
534
00:20:42,097 --> 00:20:44,889
But sometimes the tower
that you were meant for
535
00:20:44,972 --> 00:20:48,597
was right in front of you
all along in Moscow.
536
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:51,222
Now go to it.
537
00:20:51,305 --> 00:20:54,472
If we hold a vote
on AOC's Green New Deal,
538
00:20:54,555 --> 00:20:57,889
we'll get disinvited from
Exxon's Christmas party.
539
00:20:57,972 --> 00:21:00,889
Pitbull was there last year.
Pitbull!
540
00:21:00,972 --> 00:21:03,430
Maybe this is the only copy.
Throw it in the microwave.
541
00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,847
[beeping]
542
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,389
♪♪♪
543
00:21:08,472 --> 00:21:10,639
You know, I once heard
the next generation
544
00:21:10,722 --> 00:21:12,639
is looking for
passionate leaders.
545
00:21:12,722 --> 00:21:14,806
Maybe the only way
to keep power
546
00:21:14,889 --> 00:21:18,555
is to get out there and fight
for what we're told is right!
547
00:21:18,639 --> 00:21:21,514
Oh, boy. Nadler's gonna take
his clippers back, isn't he?
548
00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:23,764
It's called courage,
Chuck.
549
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,639
♪♪♪
550
00:21:26,722 --> 00:21:29,389
I'm flying to Moscow and telling
that tower how I feel,
551
00:21:29,472 --> 00:21:31,389
but, first,
I'm gonna watch a quick
552
00:21:31,472 --> 00:21:33,555
eight straight hours of TV.
Ass yeah!
553
00:21:33,639 --> 00:21:38,263
[goofy music plays on TV]
554
00:21:38,347 --> 00:21:40,597
Dad! Jeff Bezos
is breaking ground
555
00:21:40,681 --> 00:21:43,764
on his Moscow distribution
center in 12 hours!
556
00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:46,722
The flight is nine hours!
I'll never make it in time!
557
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:47,722
-Aww, man.
-Ugh!
558
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:49,138
Aww! Wait!
559
00:21:49,222 --> 00:21:51,222
You can watch TV
on the plane!
560
00:21:51,305 --> 00:21:53,180
Eric, you're a genius!
561
00:21:53,263 --> 00:21:55,055
[Ocasio-Cortez] Madam Speaker,
562
00:21:55,138 --> 00:21:58,097
I urge you to bring
House Resolution 1878,
563
00:21:58,180 --> 00:21:59,847
the establishment
of a Green New Deal Commission,
564
00:21:59,931 --> 00:22:01,180
to the floor.
565
00:22:01,263 --> 00:22:02,806
And to co-sponsor this bill,
566
00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:04,972
I brought with me today
Queer Eye sensation
567
00:22:05,055 --> 00:22:06,514
Jonathan Van Ness!
568
00:22:06,597 --> 00:22:09,722
I'm talking less greenhouse
gases, more renewable energy.
569
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:13,305
I'm talking a 40%-to-60%
reduction in emissions
570
00:22:13,389 --> 00:22:16,180
from 2010 levels
by 2030, honey!
571
00:22:16,263 --> 00:22:18,972
[cheers and applause]
572
00:22:19,055 --> 00:22:21,555
[ding!]
I'll be okay.
573
00:22:21,639 --> 00:22:24,889
This nation's greatest
accomplishments were the result
574
00:22:24,972 --> 00:22:28,472
of leaders soberly pursuing
reasonable goals.
575
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:30,597
Like when
Martin Luther King Jr.
576
00:22:30,681 --> 00:22:33,722
stood on the steps and said
those inspiring words,
577
00:22:33,806 --> 00:22:36,847
"I have a dream, but it will
never get through the Senate."
578
00:22:36,931 --> 00:22:39,055
But that's not the world
we live in anymore.
579
00:22:39,138 --> 00:22:42,972
We live in the world
of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,
580
00:22:43,055 --> 00:22:45,097
where passionately
pursuing your beliefs
581
00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:46,764
is somehow more important
582
00:22:46,847 --> 00:22:49,305
than not making
donor dinners awkward.
583
00:22:49,389 --> 00:22:52,931
And that's why I support
this absurd bill!
584
00:22:53,013 --> 00:22:54,013
[cheers and applause]
585
00:22:54,097 --> 00:22:55,681
All in favor?
586
00:22:55,764 --> 00:22:56,889
[all] Aye!
587
00:22:56,972 --> 00:22:58,764
And the ayes have it.
588
00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:01,305
Chuck, you'll take it
from here.
589
00:23:01,389 --> 00:23:03,514
On behalf of
the United States Senate,
590
00:23:03,597 --> 00:23:06,514
I pronounce this bill
dead on arrival!
591
00:23:06,597 --> 00:23:08,055
[cheers and applause]
592
00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:10,889
Whoo! Yippee!
593
00:23:12,389 --> 00:23:14,472
Oh, I'm so nervous.
H-H-How do I look?
594
00:23:14,555 --> 00:23:17,347
If it's meant to be, it won't
matter how long your tie is.
595
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:21,138
Don, I couldn't have done it
without you, my best friend.
596
00:23:21,222 --> 00:23:22,681
[laughing hysterically]
597
00:23:22,764 --> 00:23:25,764
I can't say it
without laughing!
598
00:23:25,847 --> 00:23:28,305
Who's best friends
with their dad?!
599
00:23:28,389 --> 00:23:29,847
Pathetic!
600
00:23:29,931 --> 00:23:32,764
And now to break ground
on this distribution center
601
00:23:32,847 --> 00:23:34,972
whose working conditions
terrify even me.
602
00:23:35,055 --> 00:23:36,764
[cheers and applause]
603
00:23:36,847 --> 00:23:38,722
Shit! Ass!
We're too late!
604
00:23:39,555 --> 00:23:42,722
[distorted] N-o-o-o-o!
605
00:23:42,806 --> 00:23:45,514
[thud]
Aaaaah!
606
00:23:45,597 --> 00:23:47,639
Whoa!
Jesus Christ, Donald!
607
00:23:47,722 --> 00:23:50,013
There's a lot of vital organs
where that shovel is!
608
00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:52,931
Hey. This is the healthiest
thing I've ever put in my body.
609
00:23:53,013 --> 00:23:56,305
Look, Putin, no one is getting
between me and that tower,
610
00:23:56,389 --> 00:23:58,514
especially you
and Jerk Bozo.
611
00:23:58,597 --> 00:24:00,180
That's my new nickname
for him.
612
00:24:00,263 --> 00:24:01,639
Do we like it?
We like it.
613
00:24:01,722 --> 00:24:04,222
Donald, listen. I have
given the land to Bezos.
614
00:24:04,305 --> 00:24:06,305
Unlike you,
he actually has the power
615
00:24:06,389 --> 00:24:08,138
to get the U.S.
to pull out of NATO.
616
00:24:08,222 --> 00:24:09,681
Hold it right there,
Vladimir.
617
00:24:09,764 --> 00:24:11,931
Like so many
Amazon employees,
618
00:24:12,013 --> 00:24:15,263
Donald here has sacrificed
his vital organs to make a buck,
619
00:24:15,347 --> 00:24:17,097
and there's something
to be said for that.
620
00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:20,472
So you're giving me the land
so I can build my cool hotel?!
621
00:24:20,555 --> 00:24:22,430
Oh, God, no.
I got to make a buck, too.
622
00:24:22,514 --> 00:24:23,931
So let's break this ground!
623
00:24:24,013 --> 00:24:26,347
♪♪♪
624
00:24:26,430 --> 00:24:28,722
There's gonna be
so much piss and shit.
625
00:24:28,806 --> 00:24:30,430
It's gonna be great.
626
00:24:30,514 --> 00:24:32,555
Don, pull the plane around.
627
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:35,389
I literally have no idea
how to do that.
628
00:24:35,472 --> 00:24:38,931
Don, you're embarrassing me.
Pull around the plane.
629
00:24:39,013 --> 00:24:41,055
♪♪♪
630
00:24:41,138 --> 00:24:44,347
Well, Chuck, we held onto power
for one more day.
631
00:24:44,430 --> 00:24:46,138
Do you think
we'll ever kill someone
632
00:24:46,222 --> 00:24:47,722
in the name
of preserving our status?
633
00:24:47,806 --> 00:24:51,639
There's a lot of bends
in the river of life. Who knows?
634
00:24:51,722 --> 00:24:54,806
Hey. I know you really
wanted this, so here you go.
635
00:24:54,889 --> 00:24:56,430
[ding!]
[Schumer] Oh, my God.
636
00:24:56,514 --> 00:24:57,847
Where did you get these?!
637
00:24:57,931 --> 00:25:00,681
I promised Jerry Nadler
I'd teach him to floss dance.
638
00:25:00,764 --> 00:25:03,305
So, some other freshmen
congresspeople and I
639
00:25:03,389 --> 00:25:05,430
are going to
Twitch stream ourselves
640
00:25:05,514 --> 00:25:08,180
eating fast casual ramen
and talking wage slavery.
641
00:25:08,263 --> 00:25:10,389
You should come.
642
00:25:10,472 --> 00:25:14,347
You know...
we just might.
643
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:16,389
She didn't tell us
where she lives.
644
00:25:16,472 --> 00:25:18,013
[tires squeal, vehicle departs]
Shit.
645
00:25:18,097 --> 00:25:22,806
♪♪♪
646
00:25:27,097 --> 00:25:29,639
[Mnuchin] Are you gonna
get that thing taken out?
647
00:25:29,722 --> 00:25:31,722
Nah. I kinda like it.
648
00:25:31,806 --> 00:25:34,472
It's like my own
little kickstand.
649
00:25:34,555 --> 00:25:35,555
How ya doin'?
650
00:25:35,639 --> 00:25:37,389
I-I'm serious.
How are you doing?
651
00:25:37,472 --> 00:25:38,931
I'm all right.
I'm just learning
652
00:25:39,013 --> 00:25:41,222
to love the dictator
I see in the mirror.
653
00:25:41,305 --> 00:25:42,931
Good for you.
654
00:25:43,013 --> 00:25:44,972
♪♪♪
655
00:25:45,055 --> 00:25:46,514
Hey. Uhh...
656
00:25:46,597 --> 00:25:49,097
Kim Jong-un says if we lift
sanctions on North Korea,
657
00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:50,889
he'll build
Trump Tower Pyongyang.
658
00:25:50,972 --> 00:25:53,806
Should I tell him you're
taking time for yourself, or...?
659
00:25:53,889 --> 00:25:55,847
Hey, Kim Jong-un!
660
00:25:55,931 --> 00:25:59,055
I know your nation
isn't big on feeding people,
661
00:25:59,138 --> 00:26:02,263
but what do you think
about really nice restaurants?
662
00:26:02,347 --> 00:26:03,555
['80s-style pop music plays]
663
00:26:03,639 --> 00:26:06,681
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
664
00:26:06,764 --> 00:26:10,347
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
665
00:26:10,430 --> 00:26:12,722
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
666
00:26:12,806 --> 00:26:14,222
♪ Yes, he is ♪
667
00:26:14,305 --> 00:26:17,347
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
668
00:26:17,430 --> 00:26:19,972
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
669
00:26:20,055 --> 00:26:21,555
♪ Yes, he is ♪
670
00:26:21,639 --> 00:26:24,514
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
671
00:26:24,597 --> 00:26:29,430
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
672
00:26:31,555 --> 00:26:33,389
♪ Donald Trump ♪
673
00:26:33,472 --> 00:26:36,764
♪ He is our president ♪
674
00:26:36,847 --> 00:26:40,263
♪ We made him president ♪
675
00:26:40,347 --> 00:26:42,681
♪ We did it ♪
676
00:26:42,764 --> 00:26:46,555
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
677
00:26:46,639 --> 00:26:49,681
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
678
00:26:49,764 --> 00:26:53,180
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
679
00:26:53,263 --> 00:26:56,597
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
680
00:26:56,681 --> 00:27:00,138
♪ Yeah ♪
681
00:27:00,222 --> 00:27:02,472
Trump!
51704
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