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¶ There's alwaysSomeone saying ¶
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¶ Somebody needsSomething changing ¶
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¶ It's all a gameWe're playing ¶
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¶ It's never ending ¶
5
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¶ And no one can keep up ¶
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¶ Makes you feelLess than perfect ¶
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¶ Feels likeIt's so not worth it ¶
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¶ Labeled some kind of misfit ¶
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¶ Tell me haven't youJust had enough? ¶
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¶ Beauty has many faces ¶
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¶ You'll see themDifferent places ¶
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¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
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¶ I only wanna be myself ¶
14
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¶ I feel alive ¶
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¶ I feel alive ¶
16
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¶ And I am beautiful ¶
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That goofy ballerina is me.
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At this point in my life,I didn't worry about my weight
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but, of course,that didn't last.
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¶ I feel alive ¶
21
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¶ I feel alive ¶
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¶ And I am beautiful ¶
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¶ You can refuse to listen ¶
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¶ To all the... ¶
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Like most averageAmerican girls,
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I grew up seeing200 to 400 advertising images
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of what womenare supposed to look like
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every day of my life.
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¶ And who you areIs just fine ¶
30
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¶ Unique and one of a kind ¶
31
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¶ No pressure now to define ¶
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¶ Anything to anyone but you ¶
33
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The women in the adswe see are a size 0 to size 4.
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Even though the averageAmerican woman is a size 14,
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the same sizeas Marilyn Monroe.
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¶ I feel alive ¶
37
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¶ I feel alive ¶
38
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¶ And I am beautiful ¶
39
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¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
40
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Ninety-six percentof American girls
41
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say they feel badabout themselves
42
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because they don't looklike a supermodel.
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¶ I am beautiful ¶
44
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¶ I am beautiful ¶
45
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There arethree billion women on earth
46
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and 100 of themare supermodels,
47
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which makes supermodelsthe rarest of genetic freaks.
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¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
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¶ I only wanna be myself ¶
50
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¶ I feel alive ¶
51
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thousands of hermaphrodites,
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people with the genitaliaof both sexes.
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¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
54
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¶ I'm happyWhen I'm just myself ¶
55
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¶ I feel alive ¶
56
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So don't feel bad
57
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you're not a geneticfreak supermodel.
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Feel bad you don't havea penis and a vagina.
59
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Because at least
you had a shot at that one.
60
00:03:03,401 --> 00:03:04,900
All right.
61
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You guys, papersare due on Friday.
62
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Please, I have office hours.
63
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My TA, Elise, has office hours.
64
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Come to us. I want to help you.
65
00:03:13,879 --> 00:03:15,979
I want you guys
to impress me, okay?
66
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It's ironic I teachFeminist Media in Los Angeles,
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the bellyof the entertainment beast.
68
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No real woman canlive up to Hollywood images,
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not even the women in them.
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I'm not actually fat.But you can't tell me that.
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Even on my wedding day,when I had lost 15 pounds
72
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and was swimming in my dress,I didn't feel thin enough.
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¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
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My whole lifeI have had one simple wish.
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To finally stop obsessingabout my weight.
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¶ I feel alive ¶
77
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¶ And I am beautiful ¶
78
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¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
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¶ I'm happy... ¶
80
00:04:11,342 --> 00:04:13,576
How you choose tothink about a small roll of fat
81
00:04:13,579 --> 00:04:15,412
can change your life.
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For me, it all started witha woman's head between my legs,
83
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but not in a good way.
84
00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:24,588
Hm, you're running out of time
85
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to get these buns
in your oven, cookie.
86
00:04:27,994 --> 00:04:30,028
Statistically speaking,
the day you turn 40,
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your chances drop by half.
88
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Boom. Oh.
89
00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:35,134
You know,
I called over to the lab
90
00:04:35,136 --> 00:04:38,103
and they haven't received
your husband's sperm yet.
91
00:04:38,105 --> 00:04:41,540
Five more days, we're gonnahave to freeze those eggs.
92
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,075
What's his big problem anyway?
93
00:04:43,078 --> 00:04:46,413
He's very busy.
It's pilot season.
94
00:04:46,415 --> 00:04:49,950
Big TV executive can't
find the time to jerk off?
95
00:04:49,952 --> 00:04:51,551
I thought that's what
they're best at.
96
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Ha.
97
00:04:52,989 --> 00:04:54,322
Well, you better get a jar
98
00:04:54,324 --> 00:04:56,557
and you better drive it
to the lab yourself.
99
00:04:56,559 --> 00:04:58,225
Get on the stick, sister.
100
00:04:58,227 --> 00:04:59,694
Okay, I'll do it.
101
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Who's a good boy?
102
00:05:05,302 --> 00:05:09,338
Come on, buddy, we're gonna
go see Daddy at the office.
103
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Okay, buddy, go kennel.
Oh, he's a good boy.
104
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He's a good boy.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
105
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Good boy, go kennel.
106
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Good boy.
107
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Okay.
108
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That's Daddy's sperm.
109
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Good boy. Stay.
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¶ This is where we decide ¶
111
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¶ To put it all behind ¶
112
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¶ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ¶
113
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You can't just drop by
the office for a jar of sperm.
114
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I'm taking the week off
so that I could get knocked up
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and so that I could
neuter the dog.
116
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Why didn't we get
a labradoodle, like I wanted.
117
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Now we've got
this nutless mutt.
118
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Don't call him that.
He can hear you.
119
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Look, honey,
I get that the hormone shots
120
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are making you moody.
121
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Moody?
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Do you realize
that I have gained one pound
123
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for every single day this week?
124
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Look, sweetheart.
125
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Mm-hm.
126
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A man in my position
can't just jerk off
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in an equal opportunity
workplace.
128
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The lawyers told us this.
129
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You have a private bathroom.
What's that for?
130
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Michael? It's not for that.
131
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Oh, hey, speak of the devil.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
133
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Don't worry.
I was just telling my wife
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what a great place
this is to work.
135
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Hi.
136
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You know,
that equal pay for equal work
137
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and blah blah blah.
138
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Jessica's in reality.
139
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Right. We have some
awesome new shows.
140
00:06:37,137 --> 00:06:39,137
We have this one that we call
"Dancing With the Cons."
141
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It's a contest show.
142
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It's convicts
singing and dancing.
143
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And I'm telling you,
144
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these convicts are
surprisingly likeable
145
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and really talented, right?
146
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For, like, crooks.
147
00:06:47,850 --> 00:06:49,283
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
148
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Wow.
149
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Well, so,
this has been great, Jessica,
150
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thanks very much
and I'll be with you shortly.
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Oh, sure.
152
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Sorry.
153
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Thanks. Nice to meet you.
154
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Nice to meet you.
Super cute dog.
155
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Aw, thank you.
156
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I like his little outfit.
157
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She couldn't be more adorable.
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Ha. Ha.
159
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Wow, they just get younger
160
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every year, don't they?
161
00:07:16,315 --> 00:07:20,250
What's with the cookie
poufed-up fakey lips?
162
00:07:20,252 --> 00:07:23,587
Oh, oh, I like 'em.
Fake is the new real.
163
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Really?
164
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You know what, though?
I have been really distracted.
165
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I'm sorry.
166
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I know but we have to
focus on this.
167
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This is our life.
168
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No, no, I'm focused.
We have to get this together.
169
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No, no, no, I'm focused.
I'm focused.
170
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When? When, when, when?
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Well, on Thursday
we have that therapy session
at Beverley Hills.
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00:07:38,239 --> 00:07:40,322
Yes?
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I'll go to the clinic
after that and make a
big old deposit, okay?
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Promise?
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00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:44,476
Yeah, bucketful.
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Oh, thank you. I love you.
177
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All right.
178
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It's four pounds from today,
but I will take it.
179
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You know what, baby?
On you, it looks good.
180
00:07:50,418 --> 00:07:51,601
No, it does not.
181
00:07:51,602 --> 00:07:52,785
My grab handles right here.
182
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Oh, don't call it that.I hate that.
183
00:07:54,423 --> 00:07:56,903
I got to go. BooBoo, come on.
184
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Yeah, get that dog outta here.
185
00:08:00,197 --> 00:08:01,496
He's a good boy, c'mon.
186
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That is not a good boy.
It's not even a boy.
187
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Really, I don't even know why
we're in couples therapy today
188
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'cause we're actually
really happy.
189
00:08:17,515 --> 00:08:19,649
It's just that I'm tryingto get pregnant
190
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and we just sort of thought,
you know, we'd come in
191
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and do a little preventative
something, you know.
192
00:08:25,558 --> 00:08:27,191
I mean, it's not likewe really have any issues.
193
00:08:27,193 --> 00:08:29,426
It's probably
just a waste of time.
194
00:08:31,797 --> 00:08:34,298
Well, Suzanne, as you know...
195
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My God. Oh, my God.
196
00:08:35,669 --> 00:08:37,202
You're leaving me.
197
00:08:37,204 --> 00:08:38,469
You're leaving me.He's leaving me.
198
00:08:38,471 --> 00:08:39,837
He's leaving me.
He's leaving me.
199
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:40,906
He's leaving me.
You're leaving me.
200
00:08:40,907 --> 00:08:42,540
Suzanne, we've talked about
201
00:08:42,543 --> 00:08:46,245
these hormone-induced
mood swings you've been having.
202
00:08:46,248 --> 00:08:47,380
No, no, this is not
a hormone-induced mood swing.
203
00:08:47,381 --> 00:08:48,781
This is how he fires people.
204
00:08:48,784 --> 00:08:49,916
I've heard him do it
on the phone.
205
00:08:49,918 --> 00:08:51,384
He says this phrase,
really calm, like,
206
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"As you know, as you know,
207
00:08:52,521 --> 00:08:53,687
like as you know,
the ratings are bad.
208
00:08:53,690 --> 00:08:55,256
As you know, profits are down,"
209
00:08:55,258 --> 00:08:56,891
and then the poor son-of-a-bitch
that he's firing,
210
00:08:56,893 --> 00:08:58,426
he says it so many times
that at the end of it,
211
00:08:58,427 --> 00:08:59,693
he's, like,
"I know, I know. I know.
212
00:08:59,696 --> 00:09:01,329
I know, I know,
I know, I know."
213
00:09:01,331 --> 00:09:05,233
Suzanne, please sit down
so we can work through this.
214
00:09:07,537 --> 00:09:09,554
Michael.
215
00:09:09,556 --> 00:09:11,573
Michael, would you like to
address what Susan just said?
216
00:09:11,575 --> 00:09:12,574
Yeah, of course.
217
00:09:12,576 --> 00:09:13,642
It's Suzanne!
218
00:09:15,413 --> 00:09:16,446
Of course.
219
00:09:16,448 --> 00:09:18,348
Well, I wanted
to harvest the eggs
220
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:20,016
because I'm really
a strategic planner.
221
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,551
That's kind of
my number one skill,
222
00:09:21,553 --> 00:09:22,952
although I don't get
any credit for it.
223
00:09:22,955 --> 00:09:25,856
Mm-hm, but what about
what Suzanne just said
224
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,423
about you leaving her?
225
00:09:27,426 --> 00:09:29,560
Could you please address that?
226
00:09:30,896 --> 00:09:31,929
Oh, I'm leaving her.
227
00:09:31,932 --> 00:09:33,398
I decided months ago
228
00:09:33,399 --> 00:09:35,299
but that's why I wanted
to freeze the eggs.
229
00:09:35,302 --> 00:09:36,935
I'm really the practical onein the relationship.
230
00:09:36,937 --> 00:09:38,470
When she goes back
on the marketplace,
231
00:09:38,472 --> 00:09:40,472
then she can either
get fertilized by, you know,
232
00:09:40,475 --> 00:09:42,775
a sperm donor or, you know,
the next partner.
233
00:09:42,777 --> 00:09:44,410
It's really for her.
234
00:09:44,411 --> 00:09:46,778
I realize I'm not gonna get
any credit for that
235
00:09:46,781 --> 00:09:49,282
and I'm actually fine
with that.
236
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:50,983
Suzanne, could you
please sit down again
237
00:09:50,985 --> 00:09:54,587
so we can address this
before we can move on?
238
00:10:00,664 --> 00:10:04,499
Can't cancel me, Michael.
239
00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:07,502
I'm not some death row
talent show.
240
00:10:09,507 --> 00:10:13,475
Oh, my God.
This is making me sick.
241
00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:14,710
Please.
242
00:10:14,712 --> 00:10:15,711
I'm gonna be sick.
243
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:25,522
You know what?
244
00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:29,392
These hormone injections
were your idea.
245
00:10:29,394 --> 00:10:31,995
You can have the credit.
246
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,497
And you can have the vomit
247
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,866
because I am so
not cleaning that up.
248
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,772
I have to go.
249
00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:51,417
All right, then.
250
00:10:51,419 --> 00:10:53,686
Do I really
have to clean this up?
251
00:10:53,689 --> 00:10:56,690
I have a dog.
252
00:10:56,691 --> 00:11:00,593
¶ Hey hey hey ¶
253
00:11:00,596 --> 00:11:02,396
¶ I've been standing here ¶
254
00:11:03,432 --> 00:11:05,399
¶ Since you left me ¶
255
00:11:07,137 --> 00:11:08,570
Hi. Suzanne Nicholson?
256
00:11:08,571 --> 00:11:09,403
Yeah.
257
00:11:09,406 --> 00:11:11,439
Happy 40th birthday!
258
00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:12,707
Just need you to sign
right there.
259
00:11:12,709 --> 00:11:14,409
figure out
it was my birthday.
260
00:11:14,411 --> 00:11:15,443
There you go.
261
00:11:15,446 --> 00:11:16,879
Okay. Geez, that's funny.
262
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,013
I just don't know who would
send me something like that.
263
00:11:19,016 --> 00:11:20,516
From your husband.
264
00:11:20,518 --> 00:11:21,917
What?
265
00:11:21,919 --> 00:11:27,523
Okay, that's weird because
we've had kind of a rough week
266
00:11:27,526 --> 00:11:29,559
so I'm surprised
that he would...
267
00:11:29,562 --> 00:11:31,162
It's not that weird.
You've been served.
268
00:11:31,164 --> 00:11:34,665
¶ Hey hey hey ¶
269
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:40,738
¶ I'm feeling too old toStill be wishing on you ¶
270
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:42,206
¶ Hey hey ¶
271
00:11:42,208 --> 00:11:43,674
Look, you did sign a prenup
272
00:11:43,677 --> 00:11:46,145
but I'm confident
I can get you some more.
273
00:11:46,148 --> 00:11:47,781
I don't want his money.
274
00:11:48,784 --> 00:11:50,650
I just-Jesus.
275
00:11:51,852 --> 00:11:53,452
I make my own money.
276
00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:54,854
That's whyI'm on the tenure track
277
00:11:54,856 --> 00:11:57,123
and it's not a ton of money
but it's enough.
278
00:11:57,126 --> 00:11:58,926
I'm gonna be fine.
279
00:12:00,530 --> 00:12:02,797
You can't be serious about
giving up the house, though?
280
00:12:04,801 --> 00:12:07,635
All I want is the dog.
281
00:12:07,637 --> 00:12:09,036
And trust me,
he's not gonna want that
282
00:12:09,039 --> 00:12:10,906
because it's not
a frigging labradoodle
283
00:12:10,908 --> 00:12:13,875
which is what he wanted.
284
00:12:13,877 --> 00:12:17,746
I just... I swear to God
I thought I had, like,
285
00:12:17,748 --> 00:12:20,682
you know, like,
an M&M in here or maybe,
286
00:12:20,685 --> 00:12:22,985
like, a Hershey's Kiss
left over from Halloween.
287
00:12:22,987 --> 00:12:24,821
I just...
288
00:12:24,823 --> 00:12:26,055
You know what?
289
00:12:26,057 --> 00:12:28,624
You guys should just
serve chocolate.
290
00:12:28,626 --> 00:12:31,494
You should have
big bowls of M&Ms.
291
00:12:31,497 --> 00:12:33,230
I don't get the feeling
you're paying attention.
292
00:12:33,232 --> 00:12:37,067
Or squeeze bottles
of Hershey syrup.
293
00:12:37,070 --> 00:12:38,203
People could just do 'em
like shooters.
294
00:12:38,205 --> 00:12:39,771
That would work.
295
00:12:39,773 --> 00:12:42,207
It's inhumane what you people
are doing here.
296
00:12:42,209 --> 00:12:44,209
It's like you're runningan emergency room
297
00:12:44,211 --> 00:12:46,010
without morphine.
298
00:12:47,081 --> 00:12:49,548
A-ha! Yes!
299
00:12:51,752 --> 00:12:53,152
M&M.
300
00:12:54,823 --> 00:12:56,790
All right, there's lint.
There's lint in there.
301
00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:58,959
There's something
I need to tell you and...
302
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:00,894
I thought I had a Dove Bar.
303
00:13:00,896 --> 00:13:03,230
I hate that I'm the one
to have to say these words.
304
00:13:03,232 --> 00:13:05,565
Ah, you know what?
Let me guess.
305
00:13:05,568 --> 00:13:08,803
He's sleeping with
somebody else, right?
306
00:13:11,741 --> 00:13:13,107
Hey, Suzanne,
307
00:13:13,110 --> 00:13:15,110
I wanted youto hear this from me.
308
00:13:15,112 --> 00:13:16,845
I'm getting married to Jessica.
309
00:13:16,847 --> 00:13:19,982
You met her.Oh, and also, she's pregnant.
310
00:13:19,984 --> 00:13:21,617
Okay, bye.
311
00:13:21,619 --> 00:13:24,052
Sherry, who's on 3?I thought we were...
312
00:13:24,055 --> 00:13:25,221
When you met her, he said,
313
00:13:25,223 --> 00:13:27,090
"Jessica,
I'll be with you shortly."
314
00:13:27,092 --> 00:13:28,258
And now he is.
315
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:29,792
Exactly right.
316
00:13:32,131 --> 00:13:37,668
She's got those fake poufy
Angelina husband-stealing lips.
317
00:13:37,670 --> 00:13:40,938
Those are the lips
that launched a thousand lips.
318
00:13:40,940 --> 00:13:42,540
Ohh...
319
00:13:51,219 --> 00:13:54,153
I tell you what theworst thing about all this is.
320
00:13:54,155 --> 00:13:56,155
Michael ends up being right.
321
00:13:56,157 --> 00:13:58,558
I'm glad I have these
stupid frozen eggs.
322
00:13:58,560 --> 00:13:59,825
I'm always happy
323
00:13:59,828 --> 00:14:01,795
when I have something
in the freezer, you know?
324
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:04,031
A bean burrito,
my genetic materials,
325
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:05,265
it's all good.
326
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:07,334
Right, if your life
was a romantic comedy,
327
00:14:07,337 --> 00:14:09,771
who would your sexy
sperm donor be?
328
00:14:09,773 --> 00:14:11,540
Hm, good one.
329
00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:13,308
Oh, your dog gets sick
and we go to the vet
330
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:17,211
and your vet is smokin'.
331
00:14:17,214 --> 00:14:18,347
Vets are hot. Yeah.
332
00:14:18,349 --> 00:14:19,648
Only problem is
I have a female vet
333
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,016
so I'd have to get a male vet
334
00:14:21,018 --> 00:14:23,118
and I've got to get him
to masturbate into a jar.
335
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,055
It's very, very complicated.
336
00:14:26,057 --> 00:14:27,056
Why am I smoking?
337
00:14:27,058 --> 00:14:28,290
I don't know.
338
00:14:28,293 --> 00:14:29,593
I don't even know how to smoke.
339
00:14:29,595 --> 00:14:31,595
Look at me. I'm like a child.
340
00:14:31,597 --> 00:14:35,932
I'll tell you what,
I have not smoked in 10 years.
341
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:38,602
I've not had sex with strangers
in 10 years.
342
00:14:38,605 --> 00:14:42,373
And all I really want to do
is eat.
343
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:44,909
I so could not get through thiswithout chocolate.
344
00:14:44,912 --> 00:14:46,378
We are getting you chocolate,sister.
345
00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:47,813
Hang on.
346
00:14:47,814 --> 00:14:49,614
¶ I don't know where to go ¶
347
00:14:49,618 --> 00:14:51,384
¶ Or how to get to the place ¶
348
00:14:51,386 --> 00:14:54,354
¶ We go to when we getOff the metro ¶
349
00:14:54,355 --> 00:14:56,822
¶ And turn left ¶
350
00:15:00,362 --> 00:15:05,198
¶ I don't know whyHe does these things ¶
351
00:15:07,269 --> 00:15:12,006
¶ I don't know whyYou go with him ¶
352
00:15:14,111 --> 00:15:16,778
¶ All the time ¶
353
00:15:20,984 --> 00:15:23,184
¶ All the time ¶
354
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:37,768
¶ If you don'tWant to unleash ¶
355
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,404
¶ This bitch that's in me ¶
356
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:41,805
¶ Stay away then ¶
357
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:42,974
¶ Stay away then ¶
358
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,092
¶ Stay away ¶
359
00:15:44,093 --> 00:15:45,209
Okay, if I find out
360
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,844
you are breastfeeding that dog,
361
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:49,347
I am so having an intervention.
362
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:51,015
Please, just move in.
363
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:53,285
You don't have room
for me, Kim.
364
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:54,953
We have the nanny's room.
365
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,889
Where's Ingasupposed to sleep?
366
00:15:56,891 --> 00:15:58,975
Inga is gone.
367
00:15:58,977 --> 00:16:01,061
She joined the Army
and I'm not even kidding.
368
00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:03,697
Apparently,Afghanistan is a cakewalk
369
00:16:03,699 --> 00:16:05,231
compared to
dealing with my kids.
370
00:16:05,233 --> 00:16:06,800
Wow.
371
00:16:06,802 --> 00:16:08,935
We don't wanta live-in nanny.
372
00:16:08,938 --> 00:16:13,107
We want a live-in divorced lady
and her de-balled dog.
373
00:16:13,109 --> 00:16:14,475
So where are you anyway?
374
00:16:14,477 --> 00:16:20,781
I am sitting in
my $400 baby jogger with BooBoo,
375
00:16:20,784 --> 00:16:21,983
trying to teach himhow to like it
376
00:16:21,985 --> 00:16:23,985
so that we can go jogging
together.
377
00:16:23,988 --> 00:16:26,823
Okay, that's it.
You're moving in.
378
00:16:28,226 --> 00:16:29,325
Honey, I had to.
379
00:16:29,327 --> 00:16:30,860
I love Suzanne. She's family.
380
00:16:30,862 --> 00:16:34,363
I know, she's got her dog
in a baby stroller.
381
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:39,035
We're getting a divorce.
382
00:16:39,038 --> 00:16:40,471
He gets the house
383
00:16:40,473 --> 00:16:41,906
and I get the coffee shop,
I guess.
384
00:16:41,907 --> 00:16:42,873
Wow.
385
00:16:44,343 --> 00:16:45,776
I hope you guys can stay
friends, you know.
386
00:16:45,779 --> 00:16:49,247
You're both really nice people.
387
00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:51,349
He cheated on me.
388
00:16:51,352 --> 00:16:53,986
I never liked him.
389
00:16:53,988 --> 00:16:55,921
Wish you would have
said something.
390
00:16:55,923 --> 00:16:57,790
I should have said something.
391
00:16:57,792 --> 00:16:59,992
You know what? That's on me.
392
00:16:59,994 --> 00:17:02,027
I will not let you
pay for that.
393
00:17:02,029 --> 00:17:03,896
Jarod, I can't
accept a free latté
394
00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:05,799
just because my husband
cheated on me.
395
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:10,103
Seriously, okay?
I have to redeem my gender.
396
00:17:10,105 --> 00:17:12,405
Also, you have a
,
397
00:17:12,408 --> 00:17:15,143
you have a little thing.
398
00:17:15,145 --> 00:17:16,878
Oh, God.
399
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,981
Michael never tells me when
I have a chocolate moustache.
400
00:17:19,984 --> 00:17:21,517
Or when he's impregnating
his co-workers.
401
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,119
Sorry.
402
00:17:24,121 --> 00:17:27,389
That might have been
more than you wanted to know.
403
00:17:31,262 --> 00:17:33,228
When discussingthe airbrushed women in ads,
404
00:17:33,231 --> 00:17:36,065
my favorite quote is fromCindy Crawford who said,
405
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,501
"Even I don't look likeCindy Crawford in the morning."
406
00:17:39,538 --> 00:17:41,204
In a recent survey,
407
00:17:41,206 --> 00:17:44,541
69% of women saythey'd rather lose weight
408
00:17:44,544 --> 00:17:47,178
than fall in loveor get a raise.
409
00:17:48,815 --> 00:17:52,249
I try to teach you guysto ignore ad images
410
00:17:52,252 --> 00:17:53,952
but I'm a hypocrite.
411
00:17:55,322 --> 00:17:57,389
This stuff gets to me too.
412
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,439
Andrea, be careful.
Don't drop that.
413
00:18:12,441 --> 00:18:14,074
Really?
414
00:18:14,077 --> 00:18:16,277
I thought "Fragile" meant
throw it down the stairs.
415
00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:18,145
It's like a Respect Festival.
416
00:18:18,148 --> 00:18:20,148
It's so weird that your nanny
joined the Army.
417
00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:21,149
Oh!
418
00:18:21,151 --> 00:18:22,016
What? I know.
419
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,452
Hey, stop it. Stop it.
420
00:18:24,454 --> 00:18:26,387
Go and stop it.
421
00:18:27,925 --> 00:18:30,192
Go.
422
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,673
Sophie, stay in the yard
but away from me.
423
00:18:33,932 --> 00:18:36,600
If Barnaby knocked up
some skank co-worker,
424
00:18:36,602 --> 00:18:39,236
I would do to him
what the vet did to BooBoo,
425
00:18:39,238 --> 00:18:41,605
only with the pliers
and a butter knife.
426
00:18:41,608 --> 00:18:43,341
Hi, this is not
about you, okay?
427
00:18:43,343 --> 00:18:44,609
This is about me
428
00:18:44,610 --> 00:18:46,977
and how I have to
rethink my entire life.
429
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:48,196
Okay.
430
00:18:48,197 --> 00:18:49,413
You know what you should do?
431
00:18:49,415 --> 00:18:51,182
You should finally
write a book.
432
00:18:51,184 --> 00:18:53,134
Oh. Yes.
433
00:18:53,136 --> 00:18:55,086
Well, you teach, like,
how women are always trying
434
00:18:55,089 --> 00:18:57,222
to live up to
these ridiculous images.
435
00:18:57,225 --> 00:18:58,558
You always say this.
I have no idea why.
436
00:18:58,559 --> 00:19:00,092
I'm an agent.
437
00:19:00,094 --> 00:19:02,327
I think you're interesting
and I could make money.
438
00:19:02,330 --> 00:19:03,963
Ooh, once again, about me. Yay!
439
00:19:03,965 --> 00:19:05,031
Okay, I don't know if
you're ready to hear this
440
00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:06,466
but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
441
00:19:06,469 --> 00:19:09,536
You need just to get out there
and find yourself a real man.
442
00:19:09,537 --> 00:19:11,671
I don't want anyone to see
my grab handles
443
00:19:11,674 --> 00:19:13,641
and my muffin top.
444
00:19:13,643 --> 00:19:16,243
I would hurt a puppy
to lose weight.
445
00:19:16,245 --> 00:19:17,611
I would yell at kittens.
446
00:19:18,648 --> 00:19:20,681
I would skin a dolphin.
447
00:19:20,684 --> 00:19:22,050
I just-I never thought
448
00:19:22,052 --> 00:19:23,685
that I was gonna
be dating again.
449
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:25,153
I'm like a born again virgin.
450
00:19:25,155 --> 00:19:26,588
I don't know what to do
on a first date.
451
00:19:26,591 --> 00:19:28,024
Do you have sex? I don't know.
452
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:29,190
No.
453
00:19:29,193 --> 00:19:32,395
It's like first date,
it's like first base.
454
00:19:32,397 --> 00:19:33,597
I never knew that. What is it?
455
00:19:33,598 --> 00:19:35,131
Is that, like,
they touch your boob?
456
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,434
That's... No. It's not boobs.
457
00:19:38,437 --> 00:19:40,637
First base is kissing.
458
00:19:40,639 --> 00:19:41,972
Okay, second base is boobs.
459
00:19:41,974 --> 00:19:42,973
I don't think that's right.
460
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,274
Yeah. I mean, you know what?
461
00:19:44,276 --> 00:19:46,009
And we'll check it
on Wikipedia right now.
462
00:19:46,011 --> 00:19:47,277
Yeah, you do check it
'cause you know what?
463
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,947
I bet there's been
sex inflation.
464
00:19:48,949 --> 00:19:50,181
It's probably boob by now.
465
00:19:50,183 --> 00:19:51,449
No. Uh-oh.
466
00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:53,284
Ah, mm-hm.
467
00:19:53,286 --> 00:19:54,953
First base is kissing.
468
00:19:54,956 --> 00:19:56,355
Boob is second base.
469
00:19:56,356 --> 00:19:57,355
Blow jobs are third.
470
00:19:57,358 --> 00:19:58,958
What?
471
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,061
Oh, my God, there's
so much stuff I didn't know.
472
00:20:02,063 --> 00:20:03,228
Do you know
what a grand slam is?
473
00:20:03,231 --> 00:20:05,482
No.
474
00:20:05,482 --> 00:20:07,733
Having sex four times with
the same person in one night.
475
00:20:07,736 --> 00:20:09,669
Yeah, ow.
476
00:20:09,671 --> 00:20:11,338
Jeez. Okay.
477
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:12,572
Do you want to know
what a vagumach is?
478
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:15,408
No, you need to know this.
What?
479
00:20:15,410 --> 00:20:19,579
A vagumach is when your vagina
and your stomach meet up.
480
00:20:19,582 --> 00:20:20,982
That's what I have. No, you d...
481
00:20:20,984 --> 00:20:22,350
Look at my vagumach. Agghhh!
482
00:20:22,353 --> 00:20:23,685
That's not a vagumach.
483
00:20:23,686 --> 00:20:25,252
I'm a vagumach. Do you like me?
484
00:20:25,255 --> 00:20:27,656
You shut your vagumach.
That's not a vagumach.
485
00:20:27,658 --> 00:20:29,057
Ooh. And you know what?
486
00:20:29,059 --> 00:20:30,158
When you're out there,
487
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,461
do not let yourself
get pre-issed.
488
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:34,163
Ohh. Do you wanna know?
489
00:20:34,165 --> 00:20:35,448
Mmm.
490
00:20:35,449 --> 00:20:36,732
Pre-issed is when
they stop moving.
491
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:37,734
They just fall asleep.
492
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,202
That's happened to me.
493
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:40,370
It does happen a lot.
I've had that one.
494
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:41,371
It saves energy though.
495
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:42,653
It's not good.
496
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:48,144
So many celebritiescome to me for weight loss.
497
00:20:48,148 --> 00:20:51,016
Please, just sit on my balls.
498
00:20:54,421 --> 00:21:01,059
This is the way
nature intended us to sit.
499
00:21:01,062 --> 00:21:02,561
There you are.
500
00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:07,233
Now the key to weight loss
is within our own bodies.
501
00:21:07,235 --> 00:21:12,104
You see, your mind
manufactured your fat.
502
00:21:12,107 --> 00:21:14,041
Well, no, honestly,
I think I manufactured it
503
00:21:14,043 --> 00:21:16,143
with hormone injections
and M&Ms so.
504
00:21:16,145 --> 00:21:18,311
That's a very cute thing to say
505
00:21:18,314 --> 00:21:20,348
but that's something
that your mind is telling you.
506
00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:22,116
No, no, I think
it's my fat telling me.
507
00:21:22,118 --> 00:21:23,718
Oh, really, does your fat talk?
508
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,053
Is your fat
509
00:21:25,055 --> 00:21:26,788
calling you from Mumbai
right now? Uh?
510
00:21:26,791 --> 00:21:28,257
Or is your fat
511
00:21:28,259 --> 00:21:30,759
some good old southern
redneck cracker from Alabama
512
00:21:30,761 --> 00:21:33,829
who's got nothing but time
and liquor on his hands?
513
00:21:33,831 --> 00:21:35,364
Was your fat
514
00:21:35,366 --> 00:21:38,467
one of those chaps who says,
"I'm in hospital,"
515
00:21:38,470 --> 00:21:40,437
instead of "In the hospital,"
516
00:21:40,439 --> 00:21:42,672
'cause it doesn't have time
to say articles
517
00:21:42,674 --> 00:21:45,675
in the middle of a word?
518
00:21:45,678 --> 00:21:48,212
I've no idea
what you're talking...
519
00:21:48,214 --> 00:21:49,814
'Course you don't have
any idea what I'm talking about
520
00:21:49,816 --> 00:21:52,716
but that's because I'm trained
in this profession.
521
00:21:52,718 --> 00:21:53,818
I am at...
522
00:21:54,822 --> 00:21:56,822
A homeostasis, okay?
523
00:21:56,824 --> 00:22:00,258
I'm at my ideal weight
right now.
524
00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:03,128
I'm sorry.
525
00:22:03,130 --> 00:22:04,763
To me... Hmm.
526
00:22:04,765 --> 00:22:08,467
You're just a little bit,
not thin, you know?
527
00:22:08,470 --> 00:22:09,702
I mean, no offense.
528
00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:11,404
I don't want to
hurt your feelings. I...
529
00:22:11,406 --> 00:22:15,708
I am at my ideal weight
right now.
530
00:22:15,711 --> 00:22:17,578
But you're really not.
531
00:22:17,580 --> 00:22:18,846
Okay, no, no.
532
00:22:18,848 --> 00:22:21,248
What you're mistaking
for too much weight
533
00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:23,383
is actually called soft muscle.
534
00:22:23,386 --> 00:22:24,719
Okay.
See, if I was a woman
right now,
535
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,286
I wouldn't even
be able to menstruate.
536
00:22:26,289 --> 00:22:29,891
My eggs would be all dry
and just refusing to come out.
537
00:22:29,894 --> 00:22:32,661
That's how lean
I really am, right now.
538
00:22:33,864 --> 00:22:36,197
Okay, I just...
539
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,266
You don't have to talk anymore.
540
00:22:37,268 --> 00:22:39,435
Just lift up your shirt.
541
00:22:39,437 --> 00:22:41,704
I want to talk to
that fat of yours face-to-face.
542
00:22:41,707 --> 00:22:43,206
I just don't really...
Just lift it up.
543
00:22:43,208 --> 00:22:44,708
I've seen lots of
this kind of thing.
544
00:22:44,710 --> 00:22:45,909
Oh. Oh, my God.
545
00:22:45,911 --> 00:22:47,310
Oh, Jesus.
546
00:22:47,312 --> 00:22:48,678
I didn't expect to have
that reaction.
547
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:49,779
I'm sorry. I can put it...
548
00:22:49,781 --> 00:22:52,349
No, no. No, no, it's all good.
549
00:22:52,352 --> 00:22:54,619
Well, look at that,
you have a muffin top.
550
00:22:54,621 --> 00:22:56,721
Hey, there, little muffin top.
551
00:22:56,724 --> 00:22:58,257
How you doing,
little muffin top?
552
00:22:58,259 --> 00:22:59,491
What you got down there?
553
00:22:59,492 --> 00:23:01,492
Is that blueberries
or cranberries in there.
554
00:23:01,494 --> 00:23:02,827
Ohh!
555
00:23:02,830 --> 00:23:04,263
You know, I just
really don't even know
556
00:23:04,265 --> 00:23:05,497
why they have to call it
a muffin top.
557
00:23:05,499 --> 00:23:07,199
I just wish
they'd call it a Satan top.
558
00:23:07,201 --> 00:23:08,333
That's what
it feels like to me.
559
00:23:08,336 --> 00:23:10,270
Fine, fine. Satan top.
Use that.
560
00:23:10,272 --> 00:23:12,872
Look, your mind
created this dis...
561
00:23:12,874 --> 00:23:14,274
please, pull that down.
562
00:23:14,276 --> 00:23:17,377
Your mind,
it created that disgusting
563
00:23:17,380 --> 00:23:19,647
blueberry-filled muffin top.
564
00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:20,648
It is yours to name.
565
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:21,948
Okay.
566
00:23:21,951 --> 00:23:25,419
I want you to send in
to my lab your stool sample.
567
00:23:25,421 --> 00:23:27,505
Eugh.
568
00:23:27,507 --> 00:23:29,591
And most importantly,
I want you to begin each day
569
00:23:29,593 --> 00:23:33,528
by drinking two fluid ounces
of your own urine.
570
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:35,764
What? No. Oh, God.
571
00:23:35,767 --> 00:23:37,233
Oh, I can't, I can't,
I can't, no.
572
00:23:37,234 --> 00:23:38,500
Now, look,
it's simple to do this.
573
00:23:38,503 --> 00:23:40,536
All you do, most of my clients
they just take it,
574
00:23:40,538 --> 00:23:41,904
they take the two ounces,
575
00:23:41,905 --> 00:23:43,271
they dump it
in their morning latté,
576
00:23:43,275 --> 00:23:44,374
just chuck it down.
577
00:23:44,376 --> 00:23:45,642
Never even know the difference.
578
00:23:45,643 --> 00:23:47,877
Others make themselves
what they call a "pee tea"
579
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,881
and heat it in the kettle
on that stove.
580
00:23:50,883 --> 00:23:53,317
Because Gandhi
drank his morning pee
581
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:54,886
every single morning.
582
00:23:54,888 --> 00:23:56,321
Mahatma Gandhi?
583
00:23:56,323 --> 00:23:59,557
Yes, and now think back to
how thin Gandhi was.
584
00:23:59,559 --> 00:24:00,925
Okay.
585
00:24:00,927 --> 00:24:02,293
Hold on. Stay on the ball.
586
00:24:02,295 --> 00:24:07,632
Now, I need you to mail me
your stool sample
587
00:24:07,635 --> 00:24:08,634
in this envelope.
588
00:24:08,636 --> 00:24:09,802
It is self-sealing.
589
00:24:09,804 --> 00:24:13,272
Do not do as many people do
and lick it.
590
00:24:13,275 --> 00:24:16,309
And this, right here,
these are your supplements.
591
00:24:16,311 --> 00:24:17,444
All right. Okay.
592
00:24:17,447 --> 00:24:18,530
I'll do it.
593
00:24:18,530 --> 00:24:19,613
It really was a pleasure
to meet you.
594
00:24:19,615 --> 00:24:21,581
Thank you.
It was so nice-thank you.
595
00:24:21,584 --> 00:24:22,783
I'm truly grateful.
596
00:24:22,785 --> 00:24:24,952
Oh, look, sorry. I'm just not...
597
00:24:24,954 --> 00:24:26,621
I would stand first,
but in my culture,
598
00:24:26,624 --> 00:24:29,024
it's appropriate for women
to stand before men.
599
00:24:29,025 --> 00:24:30,858
Look, I just... I'm not
good at the ball thing but I...
600
00:24:30,861 --> 00:24:32,261
thank you.
601
00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,782
Thank you so much.
I'm really grateful.
602
00:24:34,965 --> 00:24:35,998
Mmm.
603
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,433
You will be pretty someday.
604
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,807
It's our new house, buddy.
What do you think?
605
00:24:44,809 --> 00:24:46,409
Want to give Mommy kisses?
606
00:24:46,411 --> 00:24:48,578
BooBoo, give Mommy a kiss.
607
00:24:48,581 --> 00:24:50,748
Oh, there's a kissy.
608
00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:52,349
Oh, not with the tongue.
609
00:24:52,350 --> 00:24:53,616
That's confusing to Mommy.
610
00:24:53,619 --> 00:24:54,685
Oh, yeah.
611
00:25:00,894 --> 00:25:02,694
Come on, you son of a bitch.
612
00:25:17,046 --> 00:25:18,945
Oh, Jesus.
613
00:25:18,946 --> 00:25:22,782
Here, let me. No, no.
614
00:25:22,785 --> 00:25:23,950
I'm so sorry.
615
00:25:23,952 --> 00:25:25,585
That was so weird. I just...
616
00:25:25,587 --> 00:25:28,789
I have this thing where, like,
if I don't see it go in,
617
00:25:28,792 --> 00:25:30,992
I just Gaslight myself,
618
00:25:30,994 --> 00:25:32,860
like this old
black and white movie.
619
00:25:32,862 --> 00:25:36,698
Yeah, where Charles Boyer
tries to make Ingrid Bergman
620
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:38,600
think she's crazy. Yes.
621
00:25:38,602 --> 00:25:40,703
I love that movie.
622
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:42,538
Me too.
623
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,441
I thought I was the only person
624
00:25:44,443 --> 00:25:47,344
who Gaslights themselves
at the mailbox.
625
00:25:47,346 --> 00:25:48,778
I totally do that.
626
00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:50,947
It's just some stupid crap
I have to send,
627
00:25:50,950 --> 00:25:52,950
I'm treating it like it's gold.
628
00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:54,951
Did it go in there? Am I crazy?
629
00:25:54,954 --> 00:25:58,422
Yeah, it's just some crap.
630
00:26:01,729 --> 00:26:03,095
Thank you.
631
00:26:03,096 --> 00:26:04,428
You're welcome.
632
00:26:05,799 --> 00:26:06,832
Morning.
633
00:26:06,834 --> 00:26:07,994
See ya.
634
00:26:10,637 --> 00:26:14,439
Decaf, double shot,
no foam, skinny latté
635
00:26:14,442 --> 00:26:16,943
with extra room like
you asked for it three times
636
00:26:16,945 --> 00:26:19,145
even though I heard you
the first time.
637
00:26:19,148 --> 00:26:20,514
Thank you.
638
00:26:25,488 --> 00:26:27,020
Oh no, you don't.
What?
I-what?
639
00:26:27,022 --> 00:26:28,489
I saw what you pouredin that.
640
00:26:28,492 --> 00:26:31,426
That is a decaf, non-fat,
skinny pee pee latté.
641
00:26:31,427 --> 00:26:32,559
How on earth did you even know?
642
00:26:32,562 --> 00:26:33,828
I run a coffee shop
in West L.A.
643
00:26:33,830 --> 00:26:36,698
I see every crazy diet fad
that comes in here
644
00:26:36,701 --> 00:26:38,968
and that Gregory tells people
to spend $300
645
00:26:38,969 --> 00:26:40,602
to drink their own urine?
646
00:26:40,604 --> 00:26:41,836
I mean, no wonder
they lose weight.
647
00:26:41,839 --> 00:26:44,173
They go through the day
too disgusted to eat.
648
00:26:44,176 --> 00:26:45,976
They lose weight?
649
00:26:45,978 --> 00:26:47,911
Seriously, that's all you heard
650
00:26:47,912 --> 00:26:49,478
from what I just said?
651
00:26:49,481 --> 00:26:50,981
All right, I'm gonna
make you another latté.
652
00:26:50,983 --> 00:26:52,616
Look, I... Oh, you know what?
653
00:26:52,618 --> 00:26:54,985
You-that's mine.
You've-that's mine.
654
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:56,020
Oh, sorry.
655
00:26:56,022 --> 00:26:59,023
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Good news.
656
00:26:59,024 --> 00:27:00,924
We ordered exactly
the same thing.
657
00:27:00,927 --> 00:27:02,160
Here, here's mine.
I didn't touch it.
658
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:03,728
Take that, we're fixed.
659
00:27:03,730 --> 00:27:05,763
No, it's not fixed
because that's mine
660
00:27:05,765 --> 00:27:06,898
and it's very special.
661
00:27:06,901 --> 00:27:08,434
No, look, it's okay.
662
00:27:08,436 --> 00:27:10,836
I already put my fixings in
so you take that one
663
00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:12,505
and it's a win-win.
664
00:27:12,507 --> 00:27:16,075
It's seriously not a win-win
because it's mine
665
00:27:16,077 --> 00:27:17,510
and I just really would...
666
00:27:17,512 --> 00:27:18,711
I know that we don't
know each other
667
00:27:18,713 --> 00:27:20,180
but I'm just gonna
say something here.
668
00:27:20,182 --> 00:27:23,016
I think I understand
what you're going through.
669
00:27:23,018 --> 00:27:25,518
You are afraid of change, right?
670
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:26,820
No. Of losing control,
671
00:27:26,823 --> 00:27:30,658
so you fixate on the idea
of ownership of objects.
672
00:27:30,660 --> 00:27:32,726
You know, I'm gonna
do you a favor, okay?
673
00:27:32,729 --> 00:27:36,064
I'm taking your latté
and I'm giving you freedom.
674
00:27:36,066 --> 00:27:38,834
You're gonna thank me, you are.
675
00:27:41,806 --> 00:27:43,506
Oh, mm-mm.
676
00:27:43,508 --> 00:27:45,575
I'm tasting your freedom.
677
00:27:45,577 --> 00:27:48,057
So not my freedom
you're tasting.
678
00:27:53,652 --> 00:27:55,252
Hey, it's Elise.
679
00:27:55,254 --> 00:27:58,522
You have to seeour boss's latest video.
680
00:27:58,525 --> 00:28:00,625
Deborah is so crazy.
681
00:28:00,626 --> 00:28:02,826
Oh, and don't forget,
682
00:28:02,829 --> 00:28:07,065
tonight we have to doher creepy cable access show.
683
00:28:07,067 --> 00:28:09,234
I reallydon't trust a feminist
684
00:28:09,237 --> 00:28:11,537
who wears red lipstick.
685
00:28:11,538 --> 00:28:14,172
Why would you paint an orifice?
686
00:28:14,175 --> 00:28:20,513
And who can take what comes out
of a painted orifice seriously?
687
00:28:21,216 --> 00:28:22,983
Women are manipulated.
688
00:28:22,985 --> 00:28:25,218
man-ipulated.
689
00:28:25,220 --> 00:28:27,554
Think about
the Washington Monument.
690
00:28:27,557 --> 00:28:31,225
Now that's just
an enormous phallus.
691
00:28:31,227 --> 00:28:34,729
If we hadan Eleanor Roosevelt Tunnel,
692
00:28:34,731 --> 00:28:39,066
we would have had
a woman president years ago.
693
00:28:39,068 --> 00:28:40,601
Malibu Beach University,
694
00:28:40,604 --> 00:28:41,870
Women's Studies Department,
695
00:28:41,872 --> 00:28:44,907
presents "Feminist Television."
696
00:28:46,610 --> 00:28:49,078
With today's guests,
697
00:28:49,079 --> 00:28:51,547
actress Marcia Wallacefrom "The Simpsons,"
698
00:28:51,550 --> 00:28:54,751
from Project Cover Girl,
699
00:28:54,753 --> 00:28:57,620
and Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.
700
00:28:57,623 --> 00:28:59,557
And our host, department chair,
701
00:28:59,559 --> 00:29:02,259
Dr. Deborah Humpries-Hostetler
702
00:29:02,261 --> 00:29:05,563
bestselling author of"Aging Gratefully."
703
00:29:07,334 --> 00:29:09,200
And we are back.
704
00:29:09,202 --> 00:29:10,902
Now, ladies,
I would like to ask
705
00:29:10,905 --> 00:29:13,673
how you feel about
the current epidemic
706
00:29:13,675 --> 00:29:17,310
of female self-mutilation
through plastic surgery.
707
00:29:17,312 --> 00:29:20,179
Oh, hon, count me among
the self-mutilators.
708
00:29:20,182 --> 00:29:22,182
See my neck? I hated it.
709
00:29:22,183 --> 00:29:24,083
Had more rings
than an old redwood.
710
00:29:24,085 --> 00:29:25,918
So I went in
and had a nip tuck me
711
00:29:25,921 --> 00:29:27,354
and now I love it.
712
00:29:27,356 --> 00:29:30,123
Well, Marcia,
you are an actress
713
00:29:30,126 --> 00:29:31,726
and obviously you felt pressure
714
00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:34,162
from the male-dominated media.
715
00:29:34,163 --> 00:29:36,897
No, hated my neck
so I fixed it.
716
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:39,968
As a transgender person,
I've had some work done.
717
00:29:39,970 --> 00:29:41,803
Well, it's all drag
anyway, isn't it?
718
00:29:41,806 --> 00:29:43,872
Amen, sister.
719
00:29:43,874 --> 00:29:44,974
Haaa!
720
00:29:44,975 --> 00:29:46,674
Why don't you tell us
a little more
721
00:29:46,677 --> 00:29:48,644
what you mean when you say,
"It's a drag"?
722
00:29:48,646 --> 00:29:51,680
No, not "a drag."
"Drag," men and women.
723
00:29:51,682 --> 00:29:52,982
We're all drag queens.
724
00:29:52,985 --> 00:29:54,217
Oh.
725
00:29:54,218 --> 00:29:55,718
I mean, come on,
no one's natural.
726
00:29:55,721 --> 00:29:57,287
I don't judge anybody's drag.
727
00:29:57,289 --> 00:29:59,990
True feminism should be
complete control
728
00:29:59,992 --> 00:30:03,927
of your own body whether
it's abortion or Botox.
729
00:30:03,930 --> 00:30:08,199
I am sorry, but that is
a complete insult
730
00:30:08,201 --> 00:30:09,967
to the feminist movement.
731
00:30:09,969 --> 00:30:11,268
I'm sorry.
732
00:30:11,271 --> 00:30:13,338
But do you run
the feminist movement?
733
00:30:13,340 --> 00:30:16,842
Well, my dear,
my books are all about
734
00:30:16,845 --> 00:30:20,346
how the beauty oligarchy
destroys women's self-esteem.
735
00:30:20,348 --> 00:30:21,848
Now I do not color my hair.
736
00:30:21,850 --> 00:30:23,916
I do not wear make-up
and I will never,
737
00:30:23,918 --> 00:30:27,954
ever mutilate myself
with cosmetic surgery.
738
00:30:27,957 --> 00:30:29,140
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
739
00:30:29,140 --> 00:30:30,323
Just because you wrote a book
740
00:30:30,326 --> 00:30:32,693
automatically makes you
the boss of all of us?
741
00:30:32,695 --> 00:30:34,361
Well, I'm sorry, dude,
742
00:30:34,364 --> 00:30:35,730
but maybe because
you used to be a man
743
00:30:35,731 --> 00:30:37,097
you don't understand.
744
00:30:37,100 --> 00:30:39,434
Oh, that's it,
play the man card with me.
745
00:30:39,436 --> 00:30:41,136
Just because
I used to be a man,
746
00:30:41,138 --> 00:30:44,806
you're gonna use me as
the proverbial bad guy, I see.
747
00:30:44,808 --> 00:30:46,975
You know, I have to say...
748
00:30:46,978 --> 00:30:48,444
Oh, mercy.
749
00:30:48,446 --> 00:30:51,914
Hear that? Cut! Cut! Cut.
750
00:30:51,917 --> 00:30:53,283
'Scuse me!
751
00:31:00,927 --> 00:31:02,293
That Deborah.
752
00:31:02,294 --> 00:31:04,261
It's just, well, the "C" word.
753
00:31:04,264 --> 00:31:06,831
Hey. Closed-minded.
754
00:31:06,833 --> 00:31:09,467
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
755
00:31:09,469 --> 00:31:12,704
Unless she can hear me
'cause I'm super scared of her.
756
00:31:12,707 --> 00:31:14,707
Oh, she can just bite me.
757
00:31:14,709 --> 00:31:16,375
She can just bite me.
758
00:31:16,377 --> 00:31:18,811
Let's talk about
something more cheerful.
759
00:31:18,813 --> 00:31:20,345
Are you seeing anyone yet?
760
00:31:20,348 --> 00:31:21,748
No. No.
761
00:31:21,749 --> 00:31:22,848
Come on, you know what they say
762
00:31:22,851 --> 00:31:24,150
about falling off the horse.
763
00:31:24,151 --> 00:31:26,852
You've got to get back
in the saddle again.
764
00:31:26,855 --> 00:31:28,138
Hah!
765
00:31:28,139 --> 00:31:29,422
I keep telling her
she just has to go out there
766
00:31:29,425 --> 00:31:31,425
and get that first time
over with.
767
00:31:31,426 --> 00:31:34,194
I actually say
that sex after a break-up
768
00:31:34,196 --> 00:31:35,995
is like the first waffle.
769
00:31:35,998 --> 00:31:37,932
You know, if it's no good,
you throw it out.
770
00:31:37,934 --> 00:31:41,502
But it gets the iron ready
for the other waffles.
771
00:31:41,504 --> 00:31:43,070
My iron is ready.
772
00:31:43,073 --> 00:31:45,474
I've been spraying it
with non-stick hormones.
773
00:31:47,010 --> 00:31:48,744
This is probably different
774
00:31:48,747 --> 00:31:50,980
but when I first started taking
hormone therapy,
775
00:31:50,982 --> 00:31:53,349
all of a sudden every man I saw
776
00:31:53,351 --> 00:31:55,985
was, like, ridiculously doable.
777
00:31:55,988 --> 00:31:57,087
Right.
778
00:31:57,088 --> 00:31:58,488
If I were in your shoes,
779
00:31:58,490 --> 00:31:59,890
I'd do it with one of the oh,
780
00:31:59,891 --> 00:32:03,059
5,000 smoking hot young men
on that campus.
781
00:32:03,062 --> 00:32:04,528
A student?
782
00:32:04,529 --> 00:32:05,995
The simple fact is
there is no human
783
00:32:05,999 --> 00:32:08,399
more grateful than
a 20-something-year-old man
784
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,968
you just slept with.
785
00:32:10,971 --> 00:32:13,238
Hey, I got the inside
perspective on that one.
786
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:14,205
Hello.
787
00:32:16,911 --> 00:32:21,347
Oh, I got a early call
tomorrow, I should go.
788
00:32:21,349 --> 00:32:23,115
My private cell.
789
00:32:23,117 --> 00:32:26,519
If you would like a makeover
for the first waffle,
790
00:32:26,521 --> 00:32:27,520
it's on me.
791
00:32:27,522 --> 00:32:28,854
Thank you.
792
00:32:28,857 --> 00:32:31,337
Yeah!
Waffles for all my friends!
793
00:32:34,497 --> 00:32:37,198
Oh, hon, I don't think
this drinking thing's
794
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:38,332
gonna work out for you.
795
00:32:39,402 --> 00:32:40,868
Hey, sure.
796
00:32:40,870 --> 00:32:43,037
I've never been
drunk before ever.
797
00:32:44,542 --> 00:32:47,910
My cheeks are so numb.
Are they turning pink?
798
00:32:49,013 --> 00:32:51,280
I found this
awesome dating service
799
00:32:51,282 --> 00:32:53,182
called "It's Just Drinks."
800
00:32:53,184 --> 00:32:54,283
You're not serious?
801
00:32:54,285 --> 00:32:55,450
It is, "It's Just Drinks."
802
00:32:55,453 --> 00:32:57,954
Terrible idea.
It's a great idea.
803
00:32:57,956 --> 00:33:00,089
I already signed us up
and paid for us both.
804
00:33:00,091 --> 00:33:02,292
We are not doing it.
You are married.
805
00:33:02,294 --> 00:33:05,128
Look, I just want to check out
what my current market value is
806
00:33:05,130 --> 00:33:07,430
when I'm not driving
a minivan covered in
807
00:33:07,433 --> 00:33:09,133
"My Little Pony"
stickers, okay?
808
00:33:09,135 --> 00:33:10,434
And Barnaby,
he's super cool with it.
809
00:33:10,437 --> 00:33:12,037
Oh, I'm sure
he's very cool, yeah.
810
00:33:12,039 --> 00:33:14,472
He is super cool with anything
that gets me to shave
811
00:33:14,474 --> 00:33:15,874
above the knee, all right?
812
00:33:15,876 --> 00:33:17,342
Oh, well, that I could believe.
813
00:33:20,948 --> 00:33:26,384
So let's mix, mingle
and remember, it's just drinks.
814
00:33:26,387 --> 00:33:28,120
Ha, ha.
815
00:33:28,122 --> 00:33:30,323
You're a car salesman,
that's awesome.
816
00:33:30,326 --> 00:33:31,592
Good for you.
817
00:33:31,593 --> 00:33:33,893
What will it take
for you to say "Yes"
818
00:33:33,896 --> 00:33:35,262
to sleeping with me tonight?
819
00:33:38,067 --> 00:33:39,066
Huh?
820
00:33:41,636 --> 00:33:44,203
Well, I don't know.
How about a tsunami?
821
00:33:44,207 --> 00:33:46,341
So in addition to runningmy own hedge fund,
822
00:33:46,343 --> 00:33:48,243
I am also a plushie.
823
00:33:49,614 --> 00:33:51,080
I don't know what that is.
824
00:33:51,082 --> 00:33:55,084
Oh, I like to dress
in a furry pink rabbit suit
825
00:33:55,086 --> 00:33:59,889
that has a hole cut into it
for my genitalia.
826
00:34:02,261 --> 00:34:03,342
Hah!
827
00:34:04,630 --> 00:34:07,097
Must get cold.
828
00:34:07,100 --> 00:34:09,580
What are you drivingthese days?
829
00:34:10,068 --> 00:34:14,037
I'm driving a Ford.
I got to go.
830
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,473
I'll-thank you.
Suzanne sounds European.
831
00:34:15,476 --> 00:34:16,475
You should be
in a European car.
832
00:34:16,477 --> 00:34:17,476
I'm just saying.
833
00:34:17,477 --> 00:34:19,110
Well, thank you.
834
00:34:19,113 --> 00:34:21,193
I'll call you in three years
when my visa's up, okay.
835
00:34:23,551 --> 00:34:24,901
Thank you.
836
00:34:24,901 --> 00:34:26,251
So, how was "It's Just Drinks"?
837
00:34:26,254 --> 00:34:28,421
It was just horrible.
838
00:34:28,422 --> 00:34:29,421
Oh, oh.
839
00:34:31,226 --> 00:34:32,809
I love you so much.
840
00:34:32,811 --> 00:34:34,394
And please, please, please,
don't ever leave me.
841
00:34:34,397 --> 00:34:35,396
Don't ever make me go. I won't.
842
00:34:35,398 --> 00:34:36,497
Oh.
843
00:34:36,499 --> 00:34:37,498
She shaved her legs.
844
00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:40,267
I did. I did. Both of them.
845
00:34:42,005 --> 00:34:43,038
I'm happy for you.
846
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:44,205
I'll take it.
847
00:34:44,206 --> 00:34:46,106
Mmm, thank you.
848
00:34:46,109 --> 00:34:47,142
You were at my wedding.
849
00:34:47,144 --> 00:34:48,143
You could have said something.
850
00:34:48,145 --> 00:34:49,511
What am I gonna say?
851
00:34:49,513 --> 00:34:52,514
Great dress. Run for your life?
852
00:34:52,516 --> 00:34:54,582
Besides, you loved him.
853
00:34:54,585 --> 00:34:55,584
I know.
854
00:34:55,586 --> 00:34:57,153
You know what?
855
00:34:57,155 --> 00:34:58,521
I am gonna fix you up
with a genuinely good guy.
856
00:34:58,523 --> 00:35:00,089
Ohh. No, no, no.
857
00:35:00,091 --> 00:35:02,425
This guy's new professor
to the department.
858
00:35:02,427 --> 00:35:04,026
He's divorced. He's lovely.
859
00:35:04,029 --> 00:35:06,630
It's not on. He's luh-vely.
860
00:35:06,632 --> 00:35:07,965
Trust me.
861
00:35:07,967 --> 00:35:10,567
I am very good at this.
862
00:35:10,570 --> 00:35:13,404
And besides, he couldn't be
worse than the guy you picked.
863
00:35:13,405 --> 00:35:14,604
You know what?
864
00:35:14,607 --> 00:35:18,176
I just wish I could stop
thinking about them
865
00:35:18,178 --> 00:35:20,178
all the time.
It's all I think about.
866
00:35:21,615 --> 00:35:22,614
Hi.
867
00:35:22,615 --> 00:35:24,282
Oh.
868
00:35:24,285 --> 00:35:29,054
Um, you know, I always
really did admire you.
869
00:35:29,056 --> 00:35:32,057
When I was an undergraduate,
I actually took your class.
870
00:35:32,060 --> 00:35:33,426
Then you took my husband.
871
00:35:33,428 --> 00:35:34,461
Ha, ha.
872
00:35:36,631 --> 00:35:38,765
No, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
873
00:35:38,768 --> 00:35:40,201
Hey, hey.
874
00:35:40,202 --> 00:35:42,068
Cut it out.
875
00:35:44,073 --> 00:35:47,375
Hello? Yeah, no, I'm good.
876
00:35:47,377 --> 00:35:49,010
Did that actually happen?
877
00:35:50,614 --> 00:35:51,613
No.
878
00:35:52,649 --> 00:35:54,516
In my head, it happened.
879
00:35:59,557 --> 00:36:01,290
Well, it should have.
880
00:36:01,292 --> 00:36:05,595
¶ I don't know whyHe does these things ¶
881
00:36:07,199 --> 00:36:10,667
Listen, people usually go out
for coffee on a first date
882
00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:12,069
but you and I have had coffee,
883
00:36:12,072 --> 00:36:15,173
like, a ridiculous
amount of times.
884
00:36:15,174 --> 00:36:17,374
Plus, I saved you
from drinking your own pee,
885
00:36:17,377 --> 00:36:19,511
which I thinkshould count for something.
886
00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:22,247
So I was wondering...
887
00:36:26,154 --> 00:36:28,687
could I cook dinner
for you at my place?
888
00:36:28,689 --> 00:36:30,156
Yeah. Okay.
889
00:36:30,158 --> 00:36:31,157
Yeah.
890
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,444
Good.
891
00:36:33,444 --> 00:36:35,728
So whendid Jarod start serving waffles
892
00:36:35,731 --> 00:36:38,398
in that coffee shop?
893
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:39,699
Mmm, first waffle.
894
00:36:39,701 --> 00:36:42,169
- Shut up.
- He's, like, what? Twelve?
895
00:36:42,172 --> 00:36:44,205
No, I think he's 30.
896
00:36:44,206 --> 00:36:46,640
And I can't believeyou are going to a tranny
897
00:36:46,643 --> 00:36:48,276
for a sex makeover.
898
00:36:48,278 --> 00:36:50,111
Where's Jarodtaking you anyway?
899
00:36:50,113 --> 00:36:51,279
He's making me dinner.
900
00:36:51,282 --> 00:36:52,781
In his Easy-Bake oven?
901
00:36:52,783 --> 00:36:54,349
That is so cute.
902
00:36:54,350 --> 00:36:56,317
Shut up.
903
00:37:01,293 --> 00:37:04,094
Now quality lingerie
is to 40-year-old sex
904
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:07,797
what MI semiautomatic rifles
were to D-Day.
905
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,500
What?
906
00:37:09,502 --> 00:37:12,269
You can't go in unarmed
and you can't go in naked.
907
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:14,505
Oh. I love war analogies.
908
00:37:14,507 --> 00:37:15,706
I get it.
909
00:37:15,708 --> 00:37:17,341
Okay. Men.
910
00:37:17,343 --> 00:37:19,310
It's all about
the hair and the boobs.
911
00:37:19,312 --> 00:37:22,580
So whatever you can do
to get your hair big, do it.
912
00:37:22,583 --> 00:37:24,783
Okay. Now, as for the boobs...
913
00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:26,418
Yeah. Same as the hair.
914
00:37:26,420 --> 00:37:27,719
Men like big boobs.
915
00:37:27,721 --> 00:37:29,421
They can never be too big.
Right.
916
00:37:29,423 --> 00:37:31,656
And since you're gonna
keep your bustier on,
917
00:37:31,659 --> 00:37:33,559
we're gonna kick it up a notch.
918
00:37:33,561 --> 00:37:35,595
With these.
919
00:37:35,597 --> 00:37:36,696
Oh, my God.
920
00:37:36,698 --> 00:37:39,198
Chicken cutlets. Hold that.
921
00:37:39,201 --> 00:37:40,868
Let me get these girls in here.
922
00:37:40,870 --> 00:37:42,269
Hello, mama.
923
00:37:43,606 --> 00:37:45,472
Wow. I know.
924
00:37:45,475 --> 00:37:46,641
Ooh, cold.
925
00:37:48,712 --> 00:37:51,613
Ah, I know it's cold,
honey, but look.
926
00:37:51,615 --> 00:37:52,647
Bam!
927
00:37:52,649 --> 00:37:55,250
Maximum firepower right there.
928
00:37:55,252 --> 00:37:56,702
Wow.
929
00:37:56,703 --> 00:37:58,153
Now the reason
I got you in shapewear...
930
00:37:58,156 --> 00:37:59,388
Yeah.
Is to boost your confidence.
931
00:37:59,390 --> 00:38:00,890
Ohh.
932
00:38:00,891 --> 00:38:02,391
You don't like
your tummy or your thighs
933
00:38:02,393 --> 00:38:03,792
so we're gonna
direct him up here
934
00:38:03,795 --> 00:38:05,162
to the girls. Right.
935
00:38:05,163 --> 00:38:06,762
Yo, and the most
important part.
936
00:38:06,764 --> 00:38:08,430
Here you go. Spread 'em.
937
00:38:08,433 --> 00:38:10,267
There's a pee flap pull-out.
938
00:38:10,269 --> 00:38:11,801
Check it out. Okay.
939
00:38:11,803 --> 00:38:12,836
It's very handy.
940
00:38:12,839 --> 00:38:14,906
It's like a puppet.
941
00:38:14,908 --> 00:38:16,307
Hello, I'm old and desperate.
942
00:38:16,309 --> 00:38:18,609
Okay, so if the clothes
are gonna come off...
943
00:38:18,611 --> 00:38:20,511
Okay. Go in the bathroom.
944
00:38:20,513 --> 00:38:21,812
You lose the shapewear.
945
00:38:21,814 --> 00:38:22,847
You've got your underpants
on so you're good.
946
00:38:22,850 --> 00:38:24,349
Right, right.
947
00:38:24,350 --> 00:38:28,719
You check your teeth,
you fluff your hair bigger.
948
00:38:28,723 --> 00:38:30,523
Yeah. And you're gonna be
good to go.
949
00:38:30,525 --> 00:38:33,226
Oh, I dunno.
It's a lot to remember.
950
00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:35,395
I just don't feel
like I can do this.
951
00:38:35,397 --> 00:38:36,729
Well, of course, you can
and you know what?
952
00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:38,231
I made you a checklist.
953
00:38:38,233 --> 00:38:40,934
Do not, I repeat,
do not take off the heels
954
00:38:40,936 --> 00:38:42,936
and do not
take off the bustier.
955
00:38:42,939 --> 00:38:44,505
What if he asks me to?
956
00:38:44,507 --> 00:38:46,407
You tell him no.
957
00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:48,308
Believe me, it's not
a deal-breaker for him.
958
00:38:48,311 --> 00:38:49,392
Bam.
959
00:38:51,348 --> 00:38:52,514
You're really pretty.
960
00:38:52,516 --> 00:38:54,049
Hah.
961
00:38:54,050 --> 00:38:55,583
Do you mind if I say that?
962
00:38:55,586 --> 00:38:56,618
No.
963
00:39:06,631 --> 00:39:08,764
Oh, I-sorry, I have to,
964
00:39:08,767 --> 00:39:10,267
uh, just have to go
to the bathroom.
965
00:39:10,268 --> 00:39:12,535
Oh. Okay. It's right there.
966
00:39:12,538 --> 00:39:14,838
Need to take my purse
for girlie stuff.
967
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,407
Take your purse.
968
00:39:22,949 --> 00:39:25,950
¶ A little spark ¶
969
00:39:25,952 --> 00:39:30,722
¶ A smile and then a look ¶
970
00:39:30,725 --> 00:39:33,592
¶ You caught my eye ¶
971
00:39:33,594 --> 00:39:36,729
¶ And that was all it took ¶
972
00:39:41,737 --> 00:39:42,869
Oh, jeez.
973
00:39:55,318 --> 00:39:57,418
Oh, my God!
974
00:40:11,636 --> 00:40:12,702
Hey!
975
00:40:12,704 --> 00:40:14,437
Go away.
976
00:40:14,439 --> 00:40:16,439
Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm good.
977
00:40:16,442 --> 00:40:18,742
I'll just be out in one second.
978
00:40:25,519 --> 00:40:26,651
Do you need anything or...
979
00:40:26,653 --> 00:40:27,819
No, I'm good.
980
00:40:27,821 --> 00:40:29,587
I'll just... just two seconds.
981
00:40:29,590 --> 00:40:30,630
Sorry.
982
00:40:35,897 --> 00:40:36,978
It's fine.
983
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:42,835
¶ I can't get enough ¶
984
00:40:42,837 --> 00:40:46,539
¶ It all just seems so nice ¶
985
00:40:46,542 --> 00:40:52,479
¶ It all sure feels goodTo be alive ¶
986
00:40:55,419 --> 00:40:56,952
Oh, my God.
987
00:41:09,601 --> 00:41:10,600
Agh!
988
00:41:10,602 --> 00:41:13,503
Oh, God, oh,
there's something...
989
00:41:13,505 --> 00:41:16,005
It's a hair thing. I got it.
990
00:41:16,007 --> 00:41:17,006
Let me get it.
I got it, I got it.
991
00:41:17,008 --> 00:41:18,541
Okay. I got it.
992
00:41:18,543 --> 00:41:21,978
It's a Bumpit.
It's a hair thing.
993
00:41:21,981 --> 00:41:24,648
It's for making my hair big.
994
00:41:24,651 --> 00:41:25,984
Oh. Thank you.
995
00:41:25,985 --> 00:41:27,485
I'm so sorry.
Cool. It's like a hair toy.
996
00:41:27,488 --> 00:41:29,154
That's fine. It's weird.
997
00:41:29,156 --> 00:41:31,423
It's not weird. It's all right.
998
00:41:32,526 --> 00:41:33,925
Hey, let's take this off.
999
00:41:33,928 --> 00:41:34,961
No! No.
1000
00:41:34,963 --> 00:41:35,962
Okay.
1001
00:41:35,963 --> 00:41:36,962
I'm sorry.
1002
00:41:36,964 --> 00:41:38,497
Is that weird?
1003
00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:40,400
I would rather...
It's fine. No, I like it.
1004
00:41:40,402 --> 00:41:41,922
Really? Yeah, yeah.
1005
00:41:49,912 --> 00:41:50,911
Mmm.
1006
00:41:55,886 --> 00:41:56,851
Oh, my God.
1007
00:42:00,123 --> 00:42:01,423
Do you mind...
let's go under the covers.
1008
00:42:01,426 --> 00:42:02,858
I'm really, really cold, okay?
1009
00:42:02,859 --> 00:42:03,858
Okay.
1010
00:42:05,496 --> 00:42:06,562
Oh!
1011
00:42:06,564 --> 00:42:07,696
Oh, God.
1012
00:42:07,698 --> 00:42:08,964
What? What? What?
1013
00:42:08,966 --> 00:42:10,599
Shh, get out. Get out of there.
1014
00:42:10,602 --> 00:42:11,768
There's something
might be alive in there.
1015
00:42:11,769 --> 00:42:13,135
What?
1016
00:42:13,138 --> 00:42:16,039
There's something
that might be alive. Shh!
1017
00:42:16,041 --> 00:42:17,908
What is it?
1018
00:42:24,184 --> 00:42:26,050
Oh, God!
1019
00:42:26,052 --> 00:42:28,119
Shit! Oh, God.
1020
00:42:28,122 --> 00:42:29,188
Jesus, hold on, hold on.
1021
00:42:29,189 --> 00:42:31,022
Shh. What is it?
1022
00:42:32,159 --> 00:42:33,759
Oh, God.
1023
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:35,126
What is it?
1024
00:42:35,129 --> 00:42:37,930
It's a boob thing.
It's my boob thing.
1025
00:42:37,932 --> 00:42:39,665
I just-ohh.
1026
00:42:39,668 --> 00:42:41,100
Wait, what are you... what's...
1027
00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,734
It's a fake boob thing.
I wear it and I...
1028
00:42:42,737 --> 00:42:44,070
Why do you have
a fake boob thing?
1029
00:42:44,072 --> 00:42:45,738
Your boobs look awesome.
Stupid.
1030
00:42:45,740 --> 00:42:47,207
God, I'm an idiot.
1031
00:42:47,210 --> 00:42:48,976
You know what? I'm just...
1032
00:42:48,978 --> 00:42:50,044
I'm just not ready for this.
1033
00:42:50,046 --> 00:42:53,614
I just feel stupid and old.
1034
00:42:54,984 --> 00:42:56,817
You're not old.
1035
00:42:56,819 --> 00:43:00,120
Hey, you don't need
all this shit.
1036
00:43:00,123 --> 00:43:02,557
I mean, it's... I liked it.
1037
00:43:02,559 --> 00:43:04,092
I mean, it's actually
pretty cool but...
1038
00:43:04,094 --> 00:43:05,560
it's kind of nice.
1039
00:43:05,563 --> 00:43:08,698
It just... it freaked me out.
1040
00:43:08,699 --> 00:43:09,898
It felt like an alien heart.
1041
00:43:12,837 --> 00:43:13,853
I'm sorry.
1042
00:43:13,855 --> 00:43:14,871
I just... you know what it is?
1043
00:43:14,874 --> 00:43:18,742
I just really
have not had sex with anyone
1044
00:43:18,743 --> 00:43:22,812
except my husband
for, like, a decade.
1045
00:43:22,815 --> 00:43:24,982
My ex-husband,
1046
00:43:24,985 --> 00:43:26,017
my ex-husband.
1047
00:43:30,257 --> 00:43:32,824
Hey, I have an idea.
1048
00:43:32,826 --> 00:43:34,092
What?
1049
00:43:34,095 --> 00:43:36,575
Shut up. Just lie down.
1050
00:43:37,999 --> 00:43:40,266
Just stay there.
1051
00:43:41,602 --> 00:43:44,069
Oh, you know what?
You don't have to.
1052
00:43:44,072 --> 00:43:48,008
Shh. I like it, okay?
1053
00:43:48,010 --> 00:43:51,611
Actually, I love it.
1054
00:43:51,614 --> 00:43:53,648
And I'm really good at it.
1055
00:43:53,649 --> 00:43:57,017
Like, really good at it.
So just relax.
1056
00:44:04,295 --> 00:44:08,063
Oh, yes, you are.
1057
00:44:08,066 --> 00:44:10,333
He did a sacrifice fly?
1058
00:44:10,334 --> 00:44:11,633
What?
1059
00:44:11,636 --> 00:44:14,904
You know, he just did you.
1060
00:44:18,978 --> 00:44:20,911
Yeah? I reciprocated.
1061
00:44:20,913 --> 00:44:22,146
Ah, yes.
1062
00:44:22,147 --> 00:44:24,981
An inside-the-park home run.
1063
00:44:24,984 --> 00:44:26,317
Give it, c'mon, give it.
1064
00:44:26,319 --> 00:44:27,818
Good for you.
1065
00:44:27,820 --> 00:44:29,086
Oh, God.
1066
00:44:30,824 --> 00:44:33,892
See, wasn't that a good idea?
1067
00:44:33,894 --> 00:44:35,126
Yes. Thank you.
1068
00:44:35,128 --> 00:44:37,228
It was. Thank you very much.
1069
00:44:37,231 --> 00:44:40,299
Did he want tosnuggle after?
1070
00:44:40,300 --> 00:44:41,633
He wanted to snuggle with me
1071
00:44:41,636 --> 00:44:44,203
and one stuffed animal.
1072
00:44:44,205 --> 00:44:45,338
'Cause he's a big boy now.
1073
00:44:45,340 --> 00:44:46,372
the other one.
1074
00:44:46,375 --> 00:44:48,041
He's a big boy now.
1075
00:44:48,043 --> 00:44:49,176
Hey! Mm?
1076
00:44:49,178 --> 00:44:50,777
You want to go get
some ice cream?
1077
00:44:50,779 --> 00:44:52,846
Ye-es!
I have some in my freezer.
1078
00:44:52,848 --> 00:44:54,881
Sweet. Let's go, let's go.
1079
00:44:54,884 --> 00:44:57,364
I hope you like
mint chocolate chip.
1080
00:44:59,823 --> 00:45:01,990
So we'll have to call itan early night.
1081
00:45:01,992 --> 00:45:03,825
I got finals.
1082
00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:06,227
You're not a student.
What are you talking about?
1083
00:45:06,229 --> 00:45:07,895
I'm getting my MBA
1084
00:45:07,897 --> 00:45:10,331
through Malibu Beach Extensionand stuff.
1085
00:45:10,334 --> 00:45:11,667
Really?
1086
00:45:15,306 --> 00:45:17,673
Hey, are you, like,
a big fan of that actress,
1087
00:45:17,676 --> 00:45:18,908
Marcia Wallace?
1088
00:45:18,910 --> 00:45:21,711
I mean, sort of,
she's my mom, so.
1089
00:45:23,015 --> 00:45:24,347
Seriously? Yeah.
1090
00:45:24,349 --> 00:45:25,882
God, that's funny.
1091
00:45:25,885 --> 00:45:27,652
She actually told me
to sleep with a student.
1092
00:45:27,654 --> 00:45:30,254
She probably didn't mean you.
1093
00:45:30,256 --> 00:45:31,288
My mom said that?
1094
00:45:31,290 --> 00:45:32,990
Yeah. Funny, ain't it?
1095
00:45:36,262 --> 00:45:37,628
Mm-hm.
1096
00:45:37,630 --> 00:45:38,996
Jarod, you home?
1097
00:45:38,999 --> 00:45:40,279
Oh, hi, doll.
1098
00:45:44,005 --> 00:45:45,204
Hi.
1099
00:45:45,206 --> 00:45:48,408
Well, now, isn't this awkward?
1100
00:45:48,410 --> 00:45:49,776
Are you serious?
1101
00:45:49,779 --> 00:45:50,878
Yes.
1102
00:45:50,879 --> 00:45:51,978
Okay, but then what happened?
1103
00:45:51,980 --> 00:45:55,448
Oh, God,then she yelled at me.
1104
00:45:55,451 --> 00:45:57,117
It was her idea.
1105
00:46:00,791 --> 00:46:02,223
Yeah, you're right.
I would've killed you too.
1106
00:46:02,224 --> 00:46:03,424
Yeah.
1107
00:46:03,427 --> 00:46:05,727
I wish she would havekilled me.
1108
00:46:05,729 --> 00:46:07,462
I'm probably
gonna go get changed.
1109
00:46:07,464 --> 00:46:08,830
I would. Yeah.
1110
00:46:08,832 --> 00:46:10,465
Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry.
1111
00:46:10,467 --> 00:46:13,702
I just-I gotta go.
1112
00:46:13,705 --> 00:46:15,471
Not another word.
1113
00:46:15,473 --> 00:46:16,772
I hope you can go out
with him again,
1114
00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:18,908
unless he's grounded.
1115
00:46:18,911 --> 00:46:20,043
He's grounded.
1116
00:46:20,045 --> 00:46:21,445
He could get grounded.
1117
00:46:21,447 --> 00:46:23,146
He could get grounded.
1118
00:46:25,484 --> 00:46:26,783
God.
1119
00:46:26,785 --> 00:46:28,885
It's like a horror movie.
1120
00:46:28,887 --> 00:46:31,254
"Revenge of the Chocolate"or something.
1121
00:46:36,796 --> 00:46:38,262
¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶
1122
00:46:38,265 --> 00:46:40,065
¶ You've got a muffin top ¶
1123
00:46:40,067 --> 00:46:42,034
¶ Muffin top ¶
1124
00:46:42,036 --> 00:46:43,268
¶ Ba-dum-bum-bum ¶
1125
00:46:43,270 --> 00:46:44,803
¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶
1126
00:46:44,806 --> 00:46:45,972
¶ You've got a muffin top ¶
1127
00:46:45,973 --> 00:46:48,207
That's it. You are so fired.
1128
00:46:53,048 --> 00:46:54,047
I gotta go.
1129
00:46:54,050 --> 00:46:55,049
Okay. I'll see you.
1130
00:46:55,051 --> 00:46:58,136
Bye, honey.
1131
00:46:58,137 --> 00:47:01,222
Ooh, remember, don't knock up
the co-workers.
1132
00:47:01,224 --> 00:47:02,223
Don't worry.
1133
00:47:02,225 --> 00:47:03,991
Okay.
1134
00:47:03,994 --> 00:47:04,826
Bye.
1135
00:47:04,828 --> 00:47:07,308
Bye. See you soon.
1136
00:47:09,967 --> 00:47:12,184
Okay.
1137
00:47:12,185 --> 00:47:14,402
I'm getting liposuction.
1138
00:47:14,404 --> 00:47:18,507
I know it's stupid.
I know I don't need it.
1139
00:47:18,510 --> 00:47:22,145
I just want it. I just want it.
1140
00:47:22,147 --> 00:47:25,281
I want it the way
a middle aged man
1141
00:47:25,284 --> 00:47:27,317
wants a Mercedes Benz.
1142
00:47:29,288 --> 00:47:30,788
So what do you think?
1143
00:47:31,924 --> 00:47:34,892
You had me at
"I'm getting liposuction."
1144
00:47:37,397 --> 00:47:39,264
SUZANNE Did you get my message?
1145
00:47:39,266 --> 00:47:47,172
I just want to do the Angelinahusband-stealing lip pouf.
1146
00:47:47,175 --> 00:47:48,440
All right.
1147
00:47:48,442 --> 00:47:50,142
I read this in Wikipedia.
1148
00:47:50,145 --> 00:47:52,913
You can take the fat
that you are gonna take
1149
00:47:52,915 --> 00:47:54,414
directly out of my butt...
1150
00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:55,582
Uh-hm.
1151
00:47:55,584 --> 00:47:58,151
And you can put it
into my lips.
1152
00:47:58,154 --> 00:48:04,158
So people can actually
kiss my ass.
1153
00:48:05,762 --> 00:48:07,362
Okay, so what's happening now
is the meds are kicking in.
1154
00:48:07,364 --> 00:48:08,497
I feel good.
1155
00:48:08,499 --> 00:48:10,098
I can see that.
That's wonderful.
1156
00:48:10,100 --> 00:48:11,500
You know, we're not
gonna have this conversation,
1157
00:48:11,502 --> 00:48:13,035
though, about...
Can we please just do it?
1158
00:48:13,037 --> 00:48:14,203
I'm here.
No, we can't please do it.
1159
00:48:14,205 --> 00:48:15,838
I will give you money.
1160
00:48:15,841 --> 00:48:17,240
We're not gonna have the
conversation about, you know,
1161
00:48:17,241 --> 00:48:18,907
what procedures
we're gonna do or not gonna do.
1162
00:48:18,909 --> 00:48:19,908
We're not gonna do thatright now.
1163
00:48:19,911 --> 00:48:22,045
Did I tell you
1164
00:48:22,047 --> 00:48:25,215
that the woman
that stole my husband
1165
00:48:27,986 --> 00:48:34,324
has those lips, those...
they're beautiful.
1166
00:48:34,327 --> 00:48:35,526
Okay.
1167
00:48:35,528 --> 00:48:37,561
I'm gonna give you
a temporary injection
1168
00:48:37,564 --> 00:48:39,331
into your lips of saline.
1169
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,601
That is going to give you
the pouf
that you're talking about.
1170
00:48:42,603 --> 00:48:44,336
Thank you. It's temporary.
1171
00:48:48,610 --> 00:48:50,110
Is that my fat?
1172
00:48:50,111 --> 00:48:51,611
- It is your fat, yes.- Ahh!
1173
00:48:51,614 --> 00:48:55,015
Say goodbye.Wave goodbye to your fat.
1174
00:48:55,017 --> 00:48:56,283
- It's yellow.- Yes, it is.
1175
00:48:56,284 --> 00:48:57,917
It's like butter. Yeah.
1176
00:48:57,920 --> 00:49:01,121
Which is perfect because
that's where I got it.
1177
00:49:01,123 --> 00:49:01,955
Mm-hm.
1178
00:49:01,957 --> 00:49:04,091
Can I keep my fat?
1179
00:49:04,094 --> 00:49:05,660
Can I keep it?
1180
00:49:05,660 --> 00:49:07,226
Suzanne, if you sign a release,
1181
00:49:07,229 --> 00:49:08,562
I will give you your fat.
1182
00:49:08,565 --> 00:49:10,098
Oh, thank you.
1183
00:49:10,100 --> 00:49:11,900
'Cause, God knows,
it is your fat.
1184
00:49:11,902 --> 00:49:13,668
Thank you. Thank you.
1185
00:49:13,670 --> 00:49:15,069
Yeah, keep your hands down.
1186
00:49:15,072 --> 00:49:17,552
That face mask
looks so pretty on you.
1187
00:49:22,146 --> 00:49:24,046
All right, pretty lady,we're home.
1188
00:49:24,049 --> 00:49:24,981
C'mon.
1189
00:49:24,983 --> 00:49:27,550
We're home? Yeah, come on.
1190
00:49:27,552 --> 00:49:28,551
Come on.
1191
00:49:29,989 --> 00:49:30,988
Come on, BooBoo.
1192
00:49:30,990 --> 00:49:33,524
Yeah, hi, BooBoo.
1193
00:49:33,526 --> 00:49:36,060
Yeah.
1194
00:49:36,062 --> 00:49:37,161
Okay.
1195
00:49:37,163 --> 00:49:38,629
Okay, okay, okay.
1196
00:49:38,631 --> 00:49:40,564
Do not drop that.
1197
00:49:40,566 --> 00:49:42,133
It's my fat. All right.
1198
00:49:42,135 --> 00:49:43,234
I made it.
1199
00:49:43,237 --> 00:49:44,436
I know you made it.
1200
00:49:44,438 --> 00:49:45,470
And you know what?
1201
00:49:45,472 --> 00:49:46,538
Do we need to bring it inside?
1202
00:49:46,541 --> 00:49:48,541
I don't... no, no, no.
1203
00:49:48,542 --> 00:49:50,242
Aghh! Okay.
1204
00:49:51,246 --> 00:49:53,446
Oh, yeah, you showed him, huh?
1205
00:49:53,448 --> 00:49:55,148
That was Michael, huh?
1206
00:49:55,150 --> 00:49:58,318
Okay, come on,
there we go, okay.
1207
00:50:01,324 --> 00:50:02,323
Don't...
1208
00:50:02,324 --> 00:50:03,456
Are we home yet?
1209
00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:04,658
All right, here we go.
1210
00:50:04,660 --> 00:50:06,160
Come on, here we go.
1211
00:50:06,162 --> 00:50:07,695
Here we go.
1212
00:50:07,698 --> 00:50:10,365
This'll be fun, fun night, huh?
1213
00:50:10,367 --> 00:50:12,200
Yeah.
1214
00:50:12,202 --> 00:50:14,682
We're almost there.
1215
00:50:15,572 --> 00:50:17,205
Okay, you did it.
1216
00:50:17,207 --> 00:50:19,574
Yay, you!
1217
00:50:19,577 --> 00:50:23,145
All right,
let's just get this off.
1218
00:50:23,147 --> 00:50:25,014
Okay, there.
1219
00:50:25,017 --> 00:50:28,385
All right, can you just...
no, just help a little bit.
1220
00:50:28,387 --> 00:50:29,586
All right.
1221
00:50:29,588 --> 00:50:31,321
Okay.
1222
00:50:31,323 --> 00:50:35,993
Okay, oh, wow, okay,
that's convenient, huh?
1223
00:50:35,996 --> 00:50:38,496
Yeah. Lucky you.
1224
00:50:38,498 --> 00:50:40,598
All right.
Oh, okay, there you go.
1225
00:50:40,600 --> 00:50:41,599
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1226
00:50:41,602 --> 00:50:42,735
I can do it, I can do it.
1227
00:50:42,736 --> 00:50:45,470
I know, you're high as a kite.
1228
00:50:45,472 --> 00:50:46,471
Come here.
1229
00:50:46,473 --> 00:50:47,505
I'm so tired.
1230
00:50:47,508 --> 00:50:49,208
I know you're tired.
1231
00:50:49,210 --> 00:50:50,609
Get in it.
1232
00:50:50,611 --> 00:50:52,344
All right.
1233
00:50:52,346 --> 00:50:53,626
There you go.
1234
00:50:56,184 --> 00:50:58,284
Hey, okay.
1235
00:50:58,286 --> 00:51:01,454
All right.
At that New Year's Eve party,
1236
00:51:01,456 --> 00:51:05,425
did you or did you not
sleep with John Brady?
1237
00:51:05,428 --> 00:51:07,294
Uh-huh? Yeah.
1238
00:51:07,296 --> 00:51:09,530
I knew it.
1239
00:51:09,532 --> 00:51:11,298
I got to call Marilyn.
1240
00:51:11,300 --> 00:51:12,580
I knew it.
1241
00:51:15,372 --> 00:51:19,074
Hey,Suzanna-ranna-danna-banana.
1242
00:51:19,077 --> 00:51:21,277
Time to get up, lipohead.
1243
00:51:21,278 --> 00:51:22,277
Come on.
1244
00:51:25,250 --> 00:51:27,250
Hey, Suze.
1245
00:51:27,252 --> 00:51:30,386
Did you forget you're speaking
on a panel today?
1246
00:51:31,456 --> 00:51:32,555
Morning.
1247
00:51:33,726 --> 00:51:35,125
Oh, God.
1248
00:51:35,127 --> 00:51:36,660
Honey, you got to get up here.
1249
00:51:36,663 --> 00:51:39,164
Okay, we got a slight problem.
1250
00:51:39,166 --> 00:51:42,534
Just a slight problem,
but don't worry.
1251
00:51:42,536 --> 00:51:46,805
I called the doctor
and she said that it's
just an allergic reaction
1252
00:51:46,808 --> 00:51:49,275
to the lidocaine
in the saline solution.
1253
00:51:49,277 --> 00:51:51,243
And that you don't need to
worry about a thing
1254
00:51:51,245 --> 00:51:53,546
because it's gonna go down.
1255
00:51:53,548 --> 00:51:54,547
What's gonna go down?
1256
00:51:54,549 --> 00:51:56,282
It's gonna go down.
1257
00:51:57,719 --> 00:51:58,718
Oh, my God!
1258
00:51:58,720 --> 00:52:00,387
What happened?
1259
00:52:00,389 --> 00:52:05,425
Eventually, I mean, not today,
but it will go down.
1260
00:52:05,427 --> 00:52:06,576
It will.
1261
00:52:06,577 --> 00:52:07,726
No, don't panic, though, honey.
1262
00:52:07,730 --> 00:52:10,198
Don't panic. Don't panic.
1263
00:52:10,200 --> 00:52:11,732
We can fix this.
1264
00:52:11,734 --> 00:52:12,733
Accessories.
1265
00:52:12,735 --> 00:52:14,135
What? Yes.
1266
00:52:14,138 --> 00:52:16,638
No.
It's all about accessorizing.
1267
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:17,639
Okay, here. Huh?
1268
00:52:17,641 --> 00:52:19,274
What? Hey.
1269
00:52:19,276 --> 00:52:21,143
Oh, is that the croc hunter?
1270
00:52:21,145 --> 00:52:23,545
No, okay, look.
1271
00:52:23,547 --> 00:52:25,447
Oh, my God. There. Huh?
1272
00:52:25,449 --> 00:52:27,683
That's-it's stupid.
1273
00:52:27,686 --> 00:52:30,153
It draws the eyes upwards.
1274
00:52:30,155 --> 00:52:31,821
I got it.Here we go, here we go.
1275
00:52:31,823 --> 00:52:33,323
Look at this,
look at this, huh?
1276
00:52:33,326 --> 00:52:34,442
What? Huh?
1277
00:52:34,443 --> 00:52:35,559
I don't want to.
1278
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:37,260
No one's gonna say anything.
1279
00:52:37,263 --> 00:52:39,330
It's racist if they did.
1280
00:52:39,332 --> 00:52:40,865
Hello. What's she do to me?
1281
00:52:40,868 --> 00:52:43,735
She said it was
only gonna be temporary.
1282
00:52:43,736 --> 00:52:45,369
No, it is temporary.
1283
00:52:45,372 --> 00:52:50,208
It's just-actually,
I just want you to shut up.
1284
00:52:50,210 --> 00:52:53,178
Oh, my God,
what happened to you?
1285
00:52:53,180 --> 00:52:55,547
Linda, we're having
a little nip tuck situation.
1286
00:52:55,550 --> 00:52:56,649
Didn't you get my message?
1287
00:52:56,651 --> 00:52:57,884
No, what? Remember that guy,
1288
00:52:57,886 --> 00:52:59,852
that new professor
I was gonna set you up with?
1289
00:52:59,854 --> 00:53:01,254
Yeah. He's here.
1290
00:53:01,256 --> 00:53:02,321
Oh, my God. He's on the panel.
1291
00:53:02,323 --> 00:53:03,890
No, please don't say that.
1292
00:53:03,893 --> 00:53:05,859
Oh, no, no, no.
Just don't talk, don't talk.
1293
00:53:05,861 --> 00:53:08,295
It's a panel. She has to talk.
1294
00:53:08,298 --> 00:53:09,764
Don't know why
it itches so much.
1295
00:53:09,765 --> 00:53:12,245
Okay, honey, okay. Calm down.
1296
00:53:13,703 --> 00:53:15,170
Ladies and gentlemen,
1297
00:53:15,172 --> 00:53:17,372
please welcomeDr. Cameron Scott.
1298
00:53:17,374 --> 00:53:19,440
Cameron Scott, this is Suzanne.
1299
00:53:20,777 --> 00:53:22,177
Oh, my God.
1300
00:53:32,791 --> 00:53:34,424
Jane Austen,
1301
00:53:34,426 --> 00:53:38,728
arguably the most widely read
English novelist in history,
1302
00:53:38,731 --> 00:53:43,201
never actually put her name
on her work because...
1303
00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:50,375
writing novels was
considered vulgar as a woman.
1304
00:53:50,377 --> 00:53:53,679
Every single one of her books
was published as simply,
1305
00:53:53,681 --> 00:53:55,314
"By a lady."
1306
00:53:58,285 --> 00:54:01,486
Suzanne,
what are your thoughts?
1307
00:54:07,429 --> 00:54:09,996
Women writers have been
completely ignored.
1308
00:54:13,736 --> 00:54:15,836
Cut it out. What?
1309
00:54:15,839 --> 00:54:17,939
I'm really not
trying to be funny.
1310
00:54:17,941 --> 00:54:20,375
I just...
1311
00:54:21,545 --> 00:54:25,280
Stop it.
Why is everybody laughing?
1312
00:54:27,585 --> 00:54:30,686
¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
1313
00:54:30,688 --> 00:54:33,022
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶
1314
00:54:33,024 --> 00:54:34,624
¶ I feel alive ¶
1315
00:54:34,627 --> 00:54:35,859
¶ I feel alive ¶
1316
00:54:35,861 --> 00:54:37,594
The personal is political.
1317
00:54:37,596 --> 00:54:40,030
Can a feministget plastic surgery?
1318
00:54:40,033 --> 00:54:44,335
To me, feminism meansI'm in charge of all my owndecisions about my own body,
1319
00:54:44,337 --> 00:54:46,004
even the stupid ones.
1320
00:54:47,407 --> 00:54:51,609
This is two pounds
of my liposucted ass fat.
1321
00:54:52,813 --> 00:54:54,013
I know, gross.
1322
00:54:54,014 --> 00:54:59,550
And I also had
a temporary lip pouf,
1323
00:55:00,554 --> 00:55:03,489
which, thank God,
has gone away.
1324
00:55:03,492 --> 00:55:06,059
I've spent my entire
academic career
1325
00:55:06,061 --> 00:55:07,627
studying pop culture
1326
00:55:07,630 --> 00:55:10,564
and, as of last week,
I became pop culture.
1327
00:55:13,670 --> 00:55:15,036
Ooh.
1328
00:55:15,039 --> 00:55:16,571
Internet videohas made it possible
1329
00:55:16,572 --> 00:55:19,373
for anyone to bea celebrity overnight.
1330
00:55:19,376 --> 00:55:21,910
More people watched thisadorable dancing Pomeranian
1331
00:55:21,912 --> 00:55:23,679
than watched the network news.
1332
00:55:23,681 --> 00:55:26,481
And more people saw methan the dog.
1333
00:55:28,085 --> 00:55:30,986
Which means that my humiliation
1334
00:55:30,989 --> 00:55:33,623
was actually bigger news
than the news.
1335
00:55:33,625 --> 00:55:36,059
When you are going viral,you have no idea.
1336
00:55:36,062 --> 00:55:37,761
You're just living your life,
1337
00:55:37,763 --> 00:55:40,431
clueless that your worstnightmare has come true.
1338
00:55:40,433 --> 00:55:42,516
Millions of peopleare laughing at you
1339
00:55:42,517 --> 00:55:44,600
because somebody capturedyour most embarrassing moment
1340
00:55:44,603 --> 00:55:46,870
and is showing itto the whole world.
1341
00:55:54,948 --> 00:55:57,749
Your viral video
has five million views.
1342
00:55:57,752 --> 00:55:59,085
Awesome.
1343
00:55:59,087 --> 00:56:01,787
No, Andrea, it is not awesome.
1344
00:56:01,790 --> 00:56:04,091
That isn't the definition
of "awesome."
1345
00:56:04,092 --> 00:56:06,425
The Grand Canyon is awesome.
1346
00:56:06,428 --> 00:56:08,428
Go clean your room.
Go read a dictionary.
1347
00:56:08,430 --> 00:56:09,963
I hate you. Good.
1348
00:56:09,965 --> 00:56:11,498
That's what I was going for.
1349
00:56:13,570 --> 00:56:17,038
You know, Suzanne,
I found this in your room and...
1350
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:18,573
I was just wondering,
1351
00:56:18,575 --> 00:56:20,408
is there something
you want to tell me?
1352
00:56:20,410 --> 00:56:22,410
You know what?
It's a weight loss device.
1353
00:56:22,412 --> 00:56:24,445
Oh, it is? Look at
how skinny I'm getting.
1354
00:56:24,448 --> 00:56:25,681
Oh, stop it. Just stop it.
1355
00:56:25,683 --> 00:56:27,583
I will. Fine.
1356
00:56:27,585 --> 00:56:28,550
Oh, hang on.
1357
00:56:29,653 --> 00:56:31,086
Oh, God.
1358
00:56:31,089 --> 00:56:33,690
It's Hayes, my attorney,
we're closing this thing.
1359
00:56:33,692 --> 00:56:35,725
Hi.
1360
00:56:35,727 --> 00:56:37,060
What?
1361
00:56:37,062 --> 00:56:39,162
Are you kidding me? Oh my...
1362
00:56:39,164 --> 00:56:40,163
What? What did he say?
1363
00:56:40,166 --> 00:56:41,632
What did he say?
1364
00:56:41,633 --> 00:56:43,833
After I gave on the 401?
Are you kidding me?
1365
00:56:43,836 --> 00:56:44,935
What?
1366
00:56:44,937 --> 00:56:45,970
Look, listen,
I have an agent here.
1367
00:56:45,972 --> 00:56:47,538
Hang on one second.
1368
00:56:47,540 --> 00:56:50,875
Michael wants his fancy
blender back and,
1369
00:56:50,877 --> 00:56:53,611
if he doesn't get it back,
he's gonna go for dog custody.
1370
00:56:53,614 --> 00:56:56,114
He cannot have BooBoo.
We will fight this.
1371
00:56:57,752 --> 00:57:00,370
Okay.
1372
00:57:00,371 --> 00:57:02,989
He says that for sure,
he would get half-time custody.
1373
00:57:02,991 --> 00:57:05,892
You know what?
Hayes, fine, screw it.
1374
00:57:05,894 --> 00:57:09,462
Just close it. Let him have it.
1375
00:57:09,465 --> 00:57:12,599
He's not getting my dog.
1376
00:57:12,601 --> 00:57:13,634
Thanks.
1377
00:57:14,503 --> 00:57:15,702
I can't believe it.
1378
00:57:15,704 --> 00:57:19,940
I will get the blender to him.
1379
00:57:19,942 --> 00:57:21,875
I'll make sure he gets it.
1380
00:57:27,785 --> 00:57:28,784
Hi.
1381
00:57:28,786 --> 00:57:30,553
Hi.
1382
00:57:30,555 --> 00:57:32,555
I knew you were
gonna cheat on me.
1383
00:57:32,557 --> 00:57:33,756
What?
1384
00:57:33,758 --> 00:57:35,808
Oh.
1385
00:57:35,809 --> 00:57:38,289
Yeah, I did cheat on you.
1386
00:57:40,064 --> 00:57:41,997
Listen, I'm really sorry.
1387
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:43,500
I get it. I get it. I get it.
1388
00:57:43,503 --> 00:57:44,869
We're not gonna date.
1389
00:57:46,072 --> 00:57:48,873
But I wanted to say
I'm sorry, though,
1390
00:57:48,875 --> 00:57:50,141
for that scene with my mom.
1391
00:57:50,143 --> 00:57:51,476
Oh, well...
1392
00:57:51,478 --> 00:57:53,811
You know, she's very dramatic.
1393
00:57:53,813 --> 00:57:57,081
And she's an actress,
so what are you gonna do?
1394
00:57:59,820 --> 00:58:01,053
I really enjoyed it.
1395
00:58:02,757 --> 00:58:04,190
You.
1396
00:58:04,191 --> 00:58:05,624
Me too.
1397
00:58:05,627 --> 00:58:06,993
I thought so, you know,
1398
00:58:06,995 --> 00:58:09,596
based on your reaction
at the time.
1399
00:58:10,532 --> 00:58:12,265
Yeah.
1400
00:58:12,267 --> 00:58:15,268
I don't see why
we can't be friends.
1401
00:58:15,271 --> 00:58:18,839
Plus, you must be jonesing
for a decent latté.
1402
00:58:18,841 --> 00:58:21,809
I mean, no other barista
can satisfy you the way I can.
1403
00:58:23,814 --> 00:58:25,180
That is true.
1404
00:58:25,182 --> 00:58:26,715
True. Thank you very much.
1405
00:58:26,717 --> 00:58:28,850
And thank you.
1406
00:58:28,852 --> 00:58:30,986
Okay, look.
I don't care what it costs.
1407
00:58:30,989 --> 00:58:36,826
It has to be delivered upright
and only to Michael Nicholson.
1408
00:58:36,829 --> 00:58:41,064
It's a very special package
for a very special person.
1409
00:58:53,246 --> 00:58:55,647
Enjoy, you douche bag.
1410
00:58:56,851 --> 00:58:59,018
And Marcia Wallace
called again, like, five times.
1411
00:58:59,019 --> 00:59:00,018
Really? Yeah.
1412
00:59:00,020 --> 00:59:01,553
I'm just gonna email her.
1413
00:59:01,556 --> 00:59:04,123
Okay, but you did get
a big bouquet of flowers
1414
00:59:04,125 --> 00:59:05,891
from the Cheswick Fair Magazine
1415
00:59:05,893 --> 00:59:07,293
saying congrats
on the viral video.
1416
00:59:07,295 --> 00:59:08,794
What's that about?
1417
00:59:08,797 --> 00:59:10,230
I don't know,
but they're gorgeous.
1418
00:59:10,232 --> 00:59:11,598
Wow.
1419
00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:12,732
Oh, also, Michael called again.
1420
00:59:12,734 --> 00:59:14,100
He sounded really pissed.
1421
00:59:16,940 --> 00:59:18,639
Ohh! Jesus.
1422
00:59:21,945 --> 00:59:23,311
Hi.
1423
00:59:23,313 --> 00:59:26,647
You are sick, Suzanne.
You need professional help.
1424
00:59:26,649 --> 00:59:27,882
I'll have you know
1425
00:59:27,885 --> 00:59:29,251
I've taken out
a restraining order.
1426
00:59:29,252 --> 00:59:31,352
Really? Against my fat?
1427
00:59:31,355 --> 00:59:33,235
You know what?Knock yourself out.
1428
00:59:35,125 --> 00:59:36,725
God.
1429
00:59:36,727 --> 00:59:37,993
Jeez.
1430
00:59:39,064 --> 00:59:40,797
Ah, I can smell it.
1431
00:59:40,799 --> 00:59:42,265
Aghh.
1432
00:59:42,267 --> 00:59:45,602
Elba, clean this shit up.
1433
00:59:48,841 --> 00:59:52,943
So did Michael get
his little gift package?
1434
00:59:52,946 --> 00:59:54,379
Yeah. Good one, Kim.
1435
00:59:54,381 --> 00:59:57,349
He's filing a restraining
order on me, okay?
1436
00:59:57,351 --> 01:00:01,086
And, uh-uh,
I have bigger problems
1437
01:00:01,089 --> 01:00:02,688
than you provoking my ex.
1438
01:00:02,690 --> 01:00:06,292
Marcia Wallace
is actually stalking me.
1439
01:00:06,294 --> 01:00:07,893
What?
1440
01:00:07,895 --> 01:00:08,911
I'm not kidding.
1441
01:00:08,912 --> 01:00:09,928
I have to go. I have to go.
1442
01:00:09,931 --> 01:00:10,896
Bye. Bye.
1443
01:00:28,251 --> 01:00:30,251
Oh. Suzanne.
1444
01:00:30,254 --> 01:00:31,387
Hi. It's Cameron.
1445
01:00:31,389 --> 01:00:32,921
Cameron Scott. Yeah.
1446
01:00:32,923 --> 01:00:35,391
I almost didn't recognize you.
1447
01:00:35,393 --> 01:00:37,259
Without my crazy clown lips?
1448
01:00:38,262 --> 01:00:40,829
I do like these better.
1449
01:00:40,831 --> 01:00:42,398
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry...
1450
01:00:42,401 --> 01:00:43,967
I'm really sorry and I...
1451
01:00:45,704 --> 01:00:49,239
Sorry.
I guess that's taken care of.
1452
01:00:49,241 --> 01:00:51,074
Listen...
1453
01:00:51,077 --> 01:00:55,780
I was wondering if you'd
like to have dinner with me.
1454
01:00:55,782 --> 01:00:59,250
Uh, insert lame excuse here.
1455
01:00:59,252 --> 01:01:00,418
Sorry?
1456
01:01:00,421 --> 01:01:02,954
Men always make
some lame excuse
1457
01:01:02,956 --> 01:01:05,724
for why they're asking
a pretty woman out to dinner.
1458
01:01:05,726 --> 01:01:09,161
Like, seeing that it's
a solar eclipse or something.
1459
01:01:10,398 --> 01:01:12,398
So I thought
I'd maximize my chances
1460
01:01:12,400 --> 01:01:14,901
and let you pick
the lame excuse.
1461
01:01:14,903 --> 01:01:17,303
But pick something persuasive.
1462
01:01:17,306 --> 01:01:19,786
I'd love to
spend time with you.
1463
01:01:21,210 --> 01:01:22,476
Yes. I-yeah, I'd love to.
1464
01:01:22,478 --> 01:01:23,844
Really? Yeah.
1465
01:01:23,847 --> 01:01:24,846
Great.
1466
01:01:26,015 --> 01:01:27,295
When are you free?
1467
01:01:28,318 --> 01:01:29,851
Are you parked
under this building?
1468
01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:30,952
Yes.
1469
01:01:30,953 --> 01:01:32,052
Okay, this is gonna sound
really weird.
1470
01:01:32,056 --> 01:01:34,890
But I'm being stalked
by a sitcom star
1471
01:01:34,891 --> 01:01:37,158
and I could really use a ride.
1472
01:01:37,161 --> 01:01:38,928
I hate when that happens.
1473
01:01:40,431 --> 01:01:42,064
Sure, let's go.
1474
01:01:42,067 --> 01:01:44,801
I don't know where
but let's go.
1475
01:01:44,803 --> 01:01:46,002
Yeah.
1476
01:01:50,209 --> 01:01:51,942
Wow.
1477
01:01:51,945 --> 01:01:55,480
You'll do a lot to get away
from a beloved TV icon
1478
01:01:55,482 --> 01:01:58,349
whose kids you've shagged.
1479
01:01:58,351 --> 01:02:01,953
He's not a kid. He's-he's 22.
1480
01:02:01,956 --> 01:02:05,090
Oh, God,
why did I tell you that?
1481
01:02:05,092 --> 01:02:06,859
I'm glad you did.
1482
01:02:06,861 --> 01:02:10,262
I'm going to get
a lot of mileage out of that.
1483
01:02:10,265 --> 01:02:12,832
Really? Is that what you think?
1484
01:02:12,834 --> 01:02:14,067
It's what I hope.
1485
01:02:19,241 --> 01:02:22,075
What I'm wondering is,
1486
01:02:22,078 --> 01:02:26,247
if I'm the rebound guy
from the rebound guy,
1487
01:02:26,249 --> 01:02:28,115
what are my chances?
1488
01:02:29,118 --> 01:02:30,484
How scary is your mom?
1489
01:02:30,487 --> 01:02:32,420
She's five feet.
1490
01:02:32,422 --> 01:02:33,421
You can take her.
1491
01:02:36,261 --> 01:02:37,960
Then we're good.
1492
01:02:37,962 --> 01:02:39,262
I just had a great idea.
1493
01:02:39,263 --> 01:02:40,362
What?
1494
01:02:40,365 --> 01:02:42,298
How do you feel about weddings?
1495
01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:43,866
Oh, God.
1496
01:02:43,868 --> 01:02:47,270
Kind of like how boat people
feel about boats.
1497
01:02:48,841 --> 01:02:50,908
It's just that tomorrow
I'm supposed to go to
1498
01:02:50,910 --> 01:02:54,545
my ex-wife's new husband's
pregnant daughter's wedding.
1499
01:02:54,548 --> 01:02:55,847
Jeez. And I was wondering
1500
01:02:55,848 --> 01:02:57,281
if you'd want to be my date.
1501
01:02:57,284 --> 01:03:00,385
Mmm, no.
1502
01:03:00,387 --> 01:03:02,887
You can meet my whole crew,
1503
01:03:02,890 --> 01:03:08,027
including my snarly
body-sprayed teenage son, lan.
1504
01:03:08,029 --> 01:03:09,829
That sounds deeply unappealing.
1505
01:03:09,831 --> 01:03:12,311
I just really don't think
I want to go.
1506
01:03:15,870 --> 01:03:19,839
My divorce is
ridiculously friendly.
1507
01:03:19,842 --> 01:03:25,579
And my ex-wife's new husband
worries that I'm lonely.
1508
01:03:25,582 --> 01:03:28,082
Oh, my God.
1509
01:03:28,084 --> 01:03:32,353
Well, I guess you think
that just because I'm naked
1510
01:03:32,355 --> 01:03:34,255
I'm the kind of girl
you can take to a wedding
1511
01:03:34,257 --> 01:03:37,024
on a second date.
1512
01:03:37,027 --> 01:03:38,227
But the thing is,
I don't even have anything
1513
01:03:38,229 --> 01:03:40,095
to wear at a wedding.
1514
01:03:40,097 --> 01:03:41,997
The bride is eight months gone.
1515
01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:45,201
Trust me, it's not that formal.
1516
01:03:45,202 --> 01:03:46,201
Okay.
1517
01:03:47,205 --> 01:03:49,372
Fine, I'll go.
1518
01:03:49,374 --> 01:03:50,935
I'll go. Thank you.
1519
01:03:54,947 --> 01:03:57,281
Hey, Kim,I won't be home again tonight.
1520
01:03:57,283 --> 01:03:59,016
I'm going to a wedding.
1521
01:03:59,018 --> 01:04:00,651
I know, I said I hate weddings
1522
01:04:00,654 --> 01:04:03,622
but maybe they're betterwith a better guy.
1523
01:04:03,623 --> 01:04:05,556
He's so nice.
1524
01:04:30,085 --> 01:04:34,187
It's just great how you all
are so friendly with each other.
1525
01:04:34,190 --> 01:04:37,158
Cameron moved to Boston
when I had some business there.
1526
01:04:37,161 --> 01:04:39,428
Trevor's a big success
in the profit business.
1527
01:04:39,429 --> 01:04:44,532
And so Ruth and I came here
when he got his professorship.
1528
01:04:44,536 --> 01:04:47,637
It's better for lan, you know,if we're all together.
1529
01:04:47,638 --> 01:04:49,705
Yeah.
1530
01:04:49,708 --> 01:04:52,075
This wedding is so gay.
1531
01:04:53,045 --> 01:04:54,311
In this instance,
1532
01:04:54,313 --> 01:04:56,413
gay means lame.
1533
01:04:56,416 --> 01:05:00,284
Dad, no one says lame.
1534
01:05:00,286 --> 01:05:02,954
Lame is gay.
1535
01:05:02,957 --> 01:05:05,290
So sorry,he's being dreadful.
1536
01:05:07,261 --> 01:05:09,161
I have to keepreminding myself
1537
01:05:09,163 --> 01:05:12,597
my sweet boy's
in there somewhere.
1538
01:05:12,599 --> 01:05:15,334
You're an actually nice man,
aren't you?
1539
01:05:15,336 --> 01:05:16,702
I think so.
1540
01:05:16,705 --> 01:05:18,071
Is that unattractive?
1541
01:05:18,073 --> 01:05:18,705
No.
1542
01:05:20,376 --> 01:05:23,744
What we have to do now is
to find someone for Cameron,
1543
01:05:23,746 --> 01:05:25,479
you know,so that he doesn't feel
1544
01:05:25,481 --> 01:05:28,482
like such a third wheelwhen we go on holiday together.
1545
01:05:28,484 --> 01:05:32,653
You all go
on holiday together, I see.
1546
01:05:32,655 --> 01:05:34,121
Trevor has a private jet.
1547
01:05:34,124 --> 01:05:36,291
No, no, I just lease one.
1548
01:05:36,293 --> 01:05:38,560
Does the trick.
1549
01:05:38,562 --> 01:05:39,761
Wouldn't it be wonderful,
darling,
1550
01:05:39,764 --> 01:05:42,465
if these two, you know,
made a go of it?
1551
01:05:44,335 --> 01:05:45,434
Yes.
1552
01:05:45,436 --> 01:05:47,737
How long's it been, Cameron?
1553
01:05:47,739 --> 01:05:49,638
Forty-four hours
and nine minutes.
1554
01:05:51,042 --> 01:05:52,241
Right, right.
1555
01:05:52,244 --> 01:05:54,644
Well, probably
a bit early to say yet
1556
01:05:54,646 --> 01:05:57,481
but here's to the success.
1557
01:05:57,483 --> 01:05:59,449
Here's to success. Thank you.
1558
01:05:59,451 --> 01:06:00,450
No pressure.
1559
01:06:00,453 --> 01:06:01,619
Yeah.
1560
01:06:01,621 --> 01:06:03,087
It's really just almost scary
1561
01:06:03,089 --> 01:06:04,389
how nice you people are
to each other.
1562
01:06:04,391 --> 01:06:06,324
Well, the fact
that there's been a divorce
1563
01:06:06,327 --> 01:06:10,462
doesn't mean to say there's
got to be any unpleasantness.
1564
01:06:10,464 --> 01:06:11,430
Really?
1565
01:06:12,500 --> 01:06:15,134
That was not my experience.
1566
01:06:30,553 --> 01:06:32,787
Suzanne, I knew
I'd find you here.
1567
01:06:32,789 --> 01:06:34,588
Yeah, every afternoon.
1568
01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:36,258
Yeah, it's kind of
our secret spot.
1569
01:06:36,260 --> 01:06:39,294
So don't tell anybody
I told you
1570
01:06:39,296 --> 01:06:42,097
but we had your initial
tenure hearing
1571
01:06:42,100 --> 01:06:44,267
and Deborah wants you out.
1572
01:06:44,268 --> 01:06:45,333
What?
1573
01:06:45,335 --> 01:06:46,535
This can't be happening.
1574
01:06:46,538 --> 01:06:47,804
Are you serious? You're not...
1575
01:06:47,805 --> 01:06:49,471
Yeah, I'm serious
as a vampire bite,
1576
01:06:49,474 --> 01:06:51,441
you are O-U-T.
1577
01:06:51,443 --> 01:06:53,309
She's my mentor.
This can't be happening.
1578
01:06:53,311 --> 01:06:56,112
She's really pissed
that you got a lipo
1579
01:06:56,114 --> 01:06:57,780
and did a lecture on it.
1580
01:06:57,782 --> 01:07:00,116
What about my, you know,
the personal is political?
1581
01:07:00,119 --> 01:07:01,318
That's how I teach.
That's what she teaches.
1582
01:07:01,321 --> 01:07:03,321
She says you're not
a real feminist.
1583
01:07:03,322 --> 01:07:05,723
Oh. What?
1584
01:07:05,725 --> 01:07:08,126
Yeah, we vote on Friday.
She is gunning for you.
1585
01:07:08,128 --> 01:07:09,561
This is just like
when we were in high school
1586
01:07:09,563 --> 01:07:11,729
and all the popular kids
went on the big senior trip
1587
01:07:11,731 --> 01:07:13,131
but we stayed home
because we didn't go
1588
01:07:13,134 --> 01:07:15,134
and then we looked
at the yearbook
1589
01:07:15,135 --> 01:07:17,135
and we were, like, "Oh, my God,
that looked like so much fun,
1590
01:07:17,138 --> 01:07:18,337
I wish we would have gone."
1591
01:07:18,339 --> 01:07:19,839
But then the popular kids
were like,
1592
01:07:19,841 --> 01:07:21,640
"You should have gone.
I mean, it was so much fun."
1593
01:07:21,642 --> 01:07:23,843
But if we'd gone,
we would have just gotten hives
1594
01:07:23,846 --> 01:07:25,712
and would have gone
to the hospital.
1595
01:07:25,714 --> 01:07:29,249
Don't you see,
that's what this is?
1596
01:07:29,251 --> 01:07:31,785
No, it's about the lipo.
1597
01:07:31,787 --> 01:07:33,220
You know what she says
1598
01:07:33,223 --> 01:07:35,590
about the surgical
mutilation of women.
1599
01:07:35,592 --> 01:07:38,192
Look, I got a breast reduction.
1600
01:07:38,194 --> 01:07:39,760
What? 'Cause they were too big.
1601
01:07:39,763 --> 01:07:44,199
I had to.
I stuff my bra for work.
1602
01:07:44,201 --> 01:07:45,501
No one knows.
1603
01:07:45,503 --> 01:07:46,735
I wouldn't have known.
1604
01:07:46,737 --> 01:07:48,137
You stuff your bra for work?
1605
01:07:48,140 --> 01:07:50,206
Okay, stop looking at 'em.
1606
01:07:50,207 --> 01:07:52,407
Yes, ma'am.
And keep it to yourself.
1607
01:07:54,646 --> 01:07:55,712
We'll say nothing.
1608
01:07:55,714 --> 01:07:57,380
Thank you.
1609
01:07:57,383 --> 01:07:58,382
Sorry, girl.
1610
01:07:59,384 --> 01:08:00,383
Thank you.
1611
01:08:01,487 --> 01:08:03,287
They look so real.
1612
01:08:03,289 --> 01:08:04,722
I never knew. I never knew.
1613
01:08:04,725 --> 01:08:06,525
She's enormous breasts, still.
1614
01:08:06,527 --> 01:08:07,726
It's crazy.
1615
01:08:07,727 --> 01:08:09,627
Call incoming.
1616
01:08:09,630 --> 01:08:11,163
Unknown caller.
1617
01:08:11,798 --> 01:08:12,931
Hello?
1618
01:08:12,933 --> 01:08:14,633
Hi, I'm calling
for Peter Durton.
1619
01:08:14,636 --> 01:08:15,902
Did you get the flowers?
1620
01:08:15,903 --> 01:08:17,302
Why, yes.
1621
01:08:17,305 --> 01:08:18,571
But I have no idea why.
1622
01:08:18,572 --> 01:08:19,804
They're from Peter.
1623
01:08:19,807 --> 01:08:22,241
He's in town for the Oscars
1624
01:08:22,243 --> 01:08:25,244
and he would like to
set up a drinks with you
1625
01:08:25,246 --> 01:08:26,879
at his private screening room
1626
01:08:26,881 --> 01:08:29,582
to discuss a book deal
through his publishing arm.
1627
01:08:29,584 --> 01:08:31,551
I'm sorry, do I know you?
1628
01:08:31,554 --> 01:08:34,388
Not me.
1629
01:08:34,390 --> 01:08:37,724
Peter Durton, the editor
of Cheswick Fair Magazine.
1630
01:08:37,727 --> 01:08:38,927
He also does books.
1631
01:08:38,929 --> 01:08:40,895
He rents a private
screening room
1632
01:08:40,897 --> 01:08:42,764
to watch the nominated films.
1633
01:08:42,766 --> 01:08:44,232
He has a suite at the Peninsula
1634
01:08:44,234 --> 01:08:45,900
but it always gets him
depressed.
1635
01:08:45,903 --> 01:08:49,371
So and he can't possibly
watch the movies
1636
01:08:49,373 --> 01:08:52,675
on a regular television,
oh, that's a nightmare.
1637
01:08:52,677 --> 01:08:54,476
Anyway, can you do
Tuesday at 4?
1638
01:08:54,478 --> 01:08:56,912
I'm sorry,
how does he even know me?
1639
01:08:56,915 --> 01:08:59,749
From the Internet, obviously.
1640
01:08:59,752 --> 01:09:00,952
Congrats on that, by the way.
1641
01:09:00,953 --> 01:09:02,819
Hence the flowers.
1642
01:09:02,821 --> 01:09:03,920
Ah.
1643
01:09:03,923 --> 01:09:05,489
Tuesday at 4. We'll see you.
1644
01:09:07,727 --> 01:09:10,695
I'm so glad you came by.
Can you stay for dinner?
1645
01:09:10,698 --> 01:09:16,001
Maybe. Yeah.
1646
01:09:16,003 --> 01:09:17,703
What a day.
1647
01:09:17,705 --> 01:09:19,871
She was my mentor, you know?
1648
01:09:19,874 --> 01:09:21,608
I was counting on this.
1649
01:09:23,378 --> 01:09:27,347
Well, you've got alimony,
I'm guessing.
1650
01:09:27,349 --> 01:09:29,349
No.
1651
01:09:29,351 --> 01:09:31,751
We had a prenup
and I didn't fight it
1652
01:09:31,754 --> 01:09:34,388
'cause I didn't really
want to get paid by somebody
1653
01:09:34,390 --> 01:09:36,590
to not have sex with them,
you know?
1654
01:09:36,592 --> 01:09:39,026
That's ethical.
1655
01:09:39,028 --> 01:09:41,462
I admire that but clearly
you need more wine.
1656
01:09:41,465 --> 01:09:43,398
Clearly.
1657
01:09:43,400 --> 01:09:45,734
I dunno, maybe
this Peter Durton thing
1658
01:09:45,736 --> 01:09:47,302
will turn out to be something.
1659
01:09:48,006 --> 01:09:50,773
You're going?
1660
01:09:50,775 --> 01:09:52,675
Yeah.
1661
01:09:52,677 --> 01:09:53,743
You're not upset, are you?
1662
01:09:53,745 --> 01:09:55,278
Date anyone you like.
1663
01:09:55,280 --> 01:09:56,512
It's not a date, okay?
1664
01:09:56,515 --> 01:09:58,749
His assistant said it's drinks.
1665
01:09:58,750 --> 01:10:00,950
In his private screening room
1666
01:10:00,953 --> 01:10:04,021
because he's bored
of his luxury hotel suite.
1667
01:10:04,023 --> 01:10:05,889
It sounds like a date.
1668
01:10:05,891 --> 01:10:07,324
Lunch is a meeting.
1669
01:10:07,327 --> 01:10:10,762
Drinks in a screening room
is a date.
1670
01:10:10,764 --> 01:10:14,299
Please tell me that
you are trying to be funny.
1671
01:10:14,301 --> 01:10:17,368
No, I'm dead serious.
1672
01:10:17,371 --> 01:10:21,307
But then again, I'm just
the rebound from the rebound.
1673
01:10:21,309 --> 01:10:23,642
There's a whole world
out there.
1674
01:10:23,644 --> 01:10:27,646
I just... I thought
you were the nice guy.
1675
01:10:32,020 --> 01:10:33,787
Is it not Monday?
1676
01:10:33,789 --> 01:10:35,488
No, it is.
1677
01:10:35,490 --> 01:10:38,825
Good to see you, buddy.
You remember Suzanne.
1678
01:10:38,828 --> 01:10:39,894
Hi.
1679
01:10:39,896 --> 01:10:43,331
Oh, yeah, sure. Hi, I guess.
1680
01:10:43,334 --> 01:10:44,666
Is she staying for dinner?
1681
01:10:44,667 --> 01:10:47,001
No. No, I can't.
1682
01:10:47,004 --> 01:10:50,038
Thanks. I have to go actually.
1683
01:10:50,040 --> 01:10:51,707
Thank you, though.
1684
01:10:51,709 --> 01:10:53,809
We can talk later, right?
1685
01:10:53,811 --> 01:10:55,577
Yeah, I'll give you a call.
1686
01:10:55,580 --> 01:10:58,081
Bye, lan.
1687
01:10:58,084 --> 01:10:59,550
Later.
1688
01:11:05,124 --> 01:11:07,825
That looked gay.
1689
01:11:07,827 --> 01:11:09,893
What happened?
1690
01:11:09,896 --> 01:11:11,696
She has a date
with a billionaire
1691
01:11:11,698 --> 01:11:13,765
who has a screening room.
1692
01:11:13,766 --> 01:11:15,032
That sucks.
1693
01:11:15,035 --> 01:11:17,736
Yeah. That it does.
1694
01:11:17,738 --> 01:11:21,373
I can't believe Deborah
wants to give you the ax
because you had lipo
1695
01:11:21,376 --> 01:11:24,510
when it's so obvious
that she's had Botox
1696
01:11:24,512 --> 01:11:25,578
and her hair colored.
1697
01:11:25,581 --> 01:11:27,647
Really? How do you know that?
1698
01:11:27,648 --> 01:11:30,128
The same way I know
you had Botox.
1699
01:11:30,919 --> 01:11:32,452
God, like, how do you even...
1700
01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:33,887
I am like CSI of beauty.
1701
01:11:33,890 --> 01:11:34,889
I know everything.
1702
01:11:34,890 --> 01:11:36,456
Mm.
1703
01:11:36,459 --> 01:11:38,826
Is there a night
where Deborah doesn't book
1704
01:11:38,827 --> 01:11:40,093
any events at school?
1705
01:11:40,096 --> 01:11:41,095
Yeah, tonight.
1706
01:11:41,097 --> 01:11:42,096
That's her "me" time.
1707
01:11:42,098 --> 01:11:43,598
Oh, I bet.
1708
01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:45,533
Well, we're going
on a beauty stakeout
1709
01:11:45,535 --> 01:11:49,637
'cause she's a goddamn
hypocritical skank in call "O."
1710
01:11:49,639 --> 01:11:51,839
I've no idea
what you're talking about.
1711
01:11:51,842 --> 01:11:53,575
Just trust me.
1712
01:11:53,577 --> 01:11:55,978
We're gonnablackmail her bony ass.
1713
01:12:14,034 --> 01:12:15,834
Get her. Film it.
1714
01:12:19,773 --> 01:12:23,608
My God.
That's Dr. Delaney.
1715
01:12:23,610 --> 01:12:25,477
She's the one that did my lipo.
1716
01:12:25,479 --> 01:12:27,646
Yeah. She's the
best in Botox.
1717
01:12:27,649 --> 01:12:29,115
Ha, ha, ha.
1718
01:12:29,117 --> 01:12:30,450
All right, let's go look.
1719
01:12:30,452 --> 01:12:31,451
Yeah, let's go. I'll film it.
1720
01:12:31,454 --> 01:12:32,619
Okay, you film it.
1721
01:12:48,472 --> 01:12:50,839
What is it?
1722
01:12:50,842 --> 01:12:52,942
Botox. God.
1723
01:12:52,943 --> 01:12:55,944
Aging gratefully, my ass.
1724
01:12:55,947 --> 01:12:57,713
She's such a hypocrite.
1725
01:12:57,715 --> 01:12:58,681
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
1726
01:12:58,683 --> 01:13:00,115
You know, I can't wait to see
1727
01:13:00,118 --> 01:13:01,985
the look on her Botoxed face.
1728
01:13:01,986 --> 01:13:03,986
We are gonna nail her.
1729
01:13:03,989 --> 01:13:05,155
We already did.
1730
01:13:05,157 --> 01:13:06,523
You're a genius.
1731
01:13:06,526 --> 01:13:08,726
The March issue closes today.
1732
01:13:08,727 --> 01:13:11,895
You need to understand
Peter's time is very valuable.
1733
01:13:12,965 --> 01:13:15,232
Oh, don't call him Peter.
1734
01:13:15,235 --> 01:13:16,634
What do I call him?
1735
01:13:16,636 --> 01:13:19,120
Nothing.
1736
01:13:19,122 --> 01:13:21,606
If he asks you to say
something to him, say it.
1737
01:13:21,609 --> 01:13:22,774
Otherwise, no name.
1738
01:13:22,776 --> 01:13:23,675
Okay, no names.
1739
01:13:23,677 --> 01:13:24,910
And don't look at the house.
1740
01:13:24,912 --> 01:13:27,579
It belongs to someone
ridiculously famous.
1741
01:13:27,582 --> 01:13:30,984
Do not look at the house.
1742
01:13:30,986 --> 01:13:33,820
You can see but don't look.
1743
01:13:33,822 --> 01:13:36,523
And if he offers you
something to eat, eat it,
1744
01:13:36,526 --> 01:13:37,725
even if you're
allergic or whatever.
1745
01:13:37,727 --> 01:13:39,660
We'll get you
medical attention.
1746
01:13:39,661 --> 01:13:42,262
He's very proud of his food.
1747
01:13:42,265 --> 01:13:44,298
Watch your step. Don't look.
1748
01:13:44,300 --> 01:13:46,200
Okay, I'm not looking.
1749
01:13:46,202 --> 01:13:47,268
Jeez.
1750
01:13:55,713 --> 01:14:00,149
I'm Peter.
You can call me Peter.
1751
01:14:00,151 --> 01:14:01,431
We need champagne.
1752
01:14:04,056 --> 01:14:05,289
You like Dom?
1753
01:14:05,290 --> 01:14:07,223
You know, actually,
I never had it.
1754
01:14:07,225 --> 01:14:09,292
This is the good Dom.
1755
01:14:09,295 --> 01:14:11,862
There's bad Dom?
1756
01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:13,597
There's regular Dom
which is good.
1757
01:14:13,599 --> 01:14:15,966
Uh-huh.
Then there's the good Dom.
1758
01:14:15,969 --> 01:14:17,769
Thank you.
1759
01:14:22,042 --> 01:14:25,176
Oh, my God. Oh, that's nuts.
1760
01:14:25,179 --> 01:14:26,979
That's, like, amazing.
1761
01:14:26,981 --> 01:14:29,281
Told you so. Yeah.
1762
01:14:29,283 --> 01:14:34,019
So, I want you,
to write a book for me.
1763
01:14:34,022 --> 01:14:35,055
Oh.
1764
01:14:35,057 --> 01:14:36,723
Angelique, cheese.
1765
01:14:41,898 --> 01:14:43,197
Mmm.
1766
01:14:43,199 --> 01:14:44,298
You'll do good media.
1767
01:14:44,300 --> 01:14:45,900
I'm into thin slicing.
1768
01:14:45,902 --> 01:14:47,868
I don't know
what that is actually.
1769
01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:51,673
It's snap judgments
based on my instincts.
1770
01:14:51,675 --> 01:14:53,242
Oh.
1771
01:14:53,243 --> 01:14:54,810
I didn't even need to see
your whole viral video.
1772
01:14:54,811 --> 01:14:55,843
I get you.
1773
01:14:55,846 --> 01:14:57,579
He gets you.
1774
01:14:57,580 --> 01:14:59,313
He gets you withoutlistening to you.
1775
01:14:59,317 --> 01:15:00,917
That's why he's so genius.
1776
01:15:00,919 --> 01:15:03,686
His genius is that
he doesn't listen?
1777
01:15:03,688 --> 01:15:06,856
He hears without listening.
1778
01:15:11,030 --> 01:15:17,167
Anyway, the book
is called "F the F-Word."
1779
01:15:17,169 --> 01:15:19,236
Discreet against feminists.
1780
01:15:19,239 --> 01:15:20,839
With you naked on the cover.
1781
01:15:20,841 --> 01:15:22,240
Oh!
1782
01:15:22,242 --> 01:15:24,109
Not nips and pubes
naked, obviously.
1783
01:15:24,112 --> 01:15:26,078
Nobody wants to see you naked.
1784
01:15:28,115 --> 01:15:29,681
Feminists suck. Totally agree.
1785
01:15:29,683 --> 01:15:30,982
Me too.
1786
01:15:30,985 --> 01:15:33,719
You know, I have to say,
I don't totally agree
1787
01:15:33,721 --> 01:15:35,221
because I wouldn't actually
call myself a feminist.
1788
01:15:35,223 --> 01:15:36,656
And that's kind of
important to me.
1789
01:15:36,659 --> 01:15:38,291
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1790
01:15:38,293 --> 01:15:42,129
Really, for me,
it's about the cover
1791
01:15:42,131 --> 01:15:43,997
and the media message.
1792
01:15:43,999 --> 01:15:46,400
You should really have
some of this cheese.
1793
01:15:46,402 --> 01:15:48,301
Comes from cows
that have had better lives
1794
01:15:48,304 --> 01:15:49,303
than most people.
1795
01:15:49,305 --> 01:15:50,305
I, uh, you know, I will...
1796
01:15:50,306 --> 01:15:51,305
Eat it.
1797
01:15:51,307 --> 01:15:52,874
I will try it.
1798
01:15:52,876 --> 01:15:55,276
I just, you know, I will
take this offer very seriously.
1799
01:15:55,279 --> 01:15:57,279
It's very tempting. I...
1800
01:15:57,280 --> 01:16:01,382
Mmm, mmm.
1801
01:16:01,385 --> 01:16:02,751
Oh, my God.
1802
01:16:02,753 --> 01:16:04,286
That's what I'm talking about.
1803
01:16:04,289 --> 01:16:06,756
That's cheese?
That's, like, amazing.
1804
01:16:06,758 --> 01:16:09,159
That's... Don't say yes or no.
1805
01:16:09,161 --> 01:16:12,462
First of all, we're talking
significant six figures.
1806
01:16:12,465 --> 01:16:13,698
Second of all...
1807
01:16:13,699 --> 01:16:15,198
Mm-hm? Just think about it.
1808
01:16:15,201 --> 01:16:19,270
BTW, I want you to be
my plus-one at the Oscars
1809
01:16:19,272 --> 01:16:21,272
and the magazine's party after.
1810
01:16:22,909 --> 01:16:25,910
We'll give you clothes,
you know, hair/make-up team.
1811
01:16:25,913 --> 01:16:27,412
Yeah, we'll make you
look great.
1812
01:16:27,415 --> 01:16:29,449
Well, better, anyway.
1813
01:16:29,450 --> 01:16:30,916
Sorry, are you...
1814
01:16:30,919 --> 01:16:33,052
I mean, are you talking
about the Oscar Oscars?
1815
01:16:33,053 --> 01:16:36,188
'Cause that's crazy.
I'm not that kind of person.
1816
01:16:36,191 --> 01:16:37,290
Great. She'll do it.
1817
01:16:37,292 --> 01:16:38,825
Perfect.
1818
01:16:43,499 --> 01:16:45,979
I've got to scoot.
I've got another drinks.
1819
01:16:50,073 --> 01:16:53,174
This, will be great.
1820
01:16:58,249 --> 01:16:59,882
This is pathetic.
1821
01:16:59,883 --> 01:17:01,816
You guys aren't cops.
1822
01:17:01,819 --> 01:17:05,221
You can't blackmail me
with DNA evidence of Botox.
1823
01:17:05,223 --> 01:17:09,225
My doctor isn't gonna violate
doctor/patient confidentiality
1824
01:17:09,228 --> 01:17:12,496
so this is just really stupid.
1825
01:17:12,498 --> 01:17:13,997
And the very fact
you even tried it
1826
01:17:13,999 --> 01:17:15,766
tells me
that my instincts about you
1827
01:17:15,769 --> 01:17:18,369
were right on, Suzanne.
1828
01:17:18,371 --> 01:17:19,537
You are so out.
1829
01:17:19,539 --> 01:17:21,139
But unfortunately,
1830
01:17:21,141 --> 01:17:24,976
there's no hairdresser/client
confidentiality.
1831
01:17:24,979 --> 01:17:26,044
Oh, right.
1832
01:17:26,046 --> 01:17:26,912
Your hairdresser,
1833
01:17:26,914 --> 01:17:29,248
Rafael, she knows him.
1834
01:17:29,250 --> 01:17:30,516
And you go on TV,
1835
01:17:30,518 --> 01:17:32,518
bragging how youdon't dye your hair
1836
01:17:32,521 --> 01:17:36,156
when Rafael says you do
tops and tails,
1837
01:17:36,158 --> 01:17:38,391
but you're a lousy tipper,
1838
01:17:38,393 --> 01:17:40,260
which is a big mistake
for somebody
1839
01:17:40,262 --> 01:17:43,530
who expects confidentiality
from her pube dyer.
1840
01:17:43,533 --> 01:17:44,565
We're gonna make
1841
01:17:44,566 --> 01:17:46,032
a video with Rafael
1842
01:17:46,035 --> 01:17:47,535
and we're gonna
link it to Suzie's
1843
01:17:47,537 --> 01:17:49,403
fat lip video,
1844
01:17:49,405 --> 01:17:50,838
and everybody's gonna see,
1845
01:17:50,841 --> 01:17:53,175
just what a hypocrite you are.
1846
01:17:53,176 --> 01:17:56,043
And we're gonna
Auto-tune your pubes,
1847
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,280
which is not good
for book deals
1848
01:17:58,282 --> 01:18:00,081
or "Today Show" appearances.
1849
01:18:00,084 --> 01:18:02,418
Think about it.
1850
01:18:02,420 --> 01:18:04,554
You should think about it.
1851
01:18:04,556 --> 01:18:07,490
You nailed it.
You were amazing.
1852
01:18:07,492 --> 01:18:08,858
Well, I can't imagine her
fighting you now.
1853
01:18:09,929 --> 01:18:11,895
God, I hate hypocrites.
1854
01:18:11,897 --> 01:18:13,964
I thought we were just
gonna bust her on the Botox,
1855
01:18:13,965 --> 01:18:16,032
then you whip out
Auto-tuning her pubes.
1856
01:18:16,902 --> 01:18:19,303
My God, that was perfect.
1857
01:18:19,306 --> 01:18:22,907
Honestly, I can't even
believe you would stay here.
1858
01:18:22,909 --> 01:18:24,475
I mean, that woman represents
1859
01:18:24,477 --> 01:18:26,544
everything that's wrong
with the movement.
1860
01:18:26,546 --> 01:18:27,846
I know. I agree.
1861
01:18:29,049 --> 01:18:31,049
Oh, hang on.
1862
01:18:31,052 --> 01:18:32,551
It's Cameron.
He keeps calling me,
1863
01:18:32,553 --> 01:18:33,953
and I don't want
to talk to him.
1864
01:18:33,955 --> 01:18:35,487
He was just awful,
1865
01:18:35,489 --> 01:18:37,556
about that whole
Peter Durton thing.
1866
01:18:37,559 --> 01:18:39,125
I think you should
answer the phone.
1867
01:18:40,461 --> 01:18:42,027
You know, I know
it's none of my business
1868
01:18:42,030 --> 01:18:43,930
but I feel like
I got to tell you something.
1869
01:18:43,932 --> 01:18:47,601
Peter Durton is a dick.
1870
01:18:47,604 --> 01:18:51,205
I slept with him
as a girl, years ago.
1871
01:18:51,207 --> 01:18:52,607
Wow.
1872
01:18:52,609 --> 01:18:54,208
Then you tell me about
this nice guy Cameron
1873
01:18:54,211 --> 01:18:57,079
who's all freaked out
about this rich guy
1874
01:18:57,080 --> 01:18:58,946
and, I mean, what the hell.
1875
01:18:58,948 --> 01:19:00,581
Why is he freaked out
about it anyway?
1876
01:19:00,584 --> 01:19:02,951
Wait a sec, why am I freaking
about it?
1877
01:19:02,953 --> 01:19:04,887
Maybe I'm just jealous.
1878
01:19:04,889 --> 01:19:07,556
You know, it takes
a very unusual sort of man
1879
01:19:07,559 --> 01:19:11,227
to even want to consider
being with me.
1880
01:19:11,229 --> 01:19:13,062
I just, you know,
1881
01:19:13,064 --> 01:19:15,431
I would take a nice, normal,
1882
01:19:15,433 --> 01:19:19,202
slightly insecure guy any day.
1883
01:19:19,205 --> 01:19:21,472
Call incoming.
1884
01:19:21,474 --> 01:19:22,573
You answered.
1885
01:19:22,576 --> 01:19:24,075
Hi.
1886
01:19:24,076 --> 01:19:25,442
Hi.
1887
01:19:25,444 --> 01:19:26,911
Have you ever seen the film,
1888
01:19:26,914 --> 01:19:29,314
"Harvey" with Jimmy Stewart?
1889
01:19:31,118 --> 01:19:34,586
It's where Jimmy Stewart
honestly believes
1890
01:19:34,588 --> 01:19:36,588
he's got a friend,
1891
01:19:36,590 --> 01:19:39,524
who's a giantinvisible talking rabbit.
1892
01:19:39,527 --> 01:19:41,060
Yeah, I know the movie.
1893
01:19:41,062 --> 01:19:43,496
It's just my ex, Ruth,
1894
01:19:43,499 --> 01:19:46,133
she left me.
1895
01:19:46,135 --> 01:19:48,001
Trevor's a great guy and all
1896
01:19:48,003 --> 01:19:50,003
but they knew each other before
1897
01:19:50,006 --> 01:19:53,408
and I guess
I'm a little wrapped tight
1898
01:19:53,410 --> 01:19:57,211
when it comes to women
I care about and billionaires.
1899
01:19:57,213 --> 01:19:58,446
I'm sorry.
1900
01:19:58,447 --> 01:19:59,680
I don't knowwhat that has to do
1901
01:19:59,683 --> 01:20:03,117
with a giant talkingrabbit, though.
1902
01:20:03,119 --> 01:20:04,719
Because I was
having a conversation
1903
01:20:04,722 --> 01:20:07,690
Ruth.
1904
01:20:07,692 --> 01:20:10,592
Because she left me
for a rich guy.
1905
01:20:10,594 --> 01:20:12,594
I get it.
1906
01:20:12,597 --> 01:20:15,131
I'm sorry.
1907
01:20:15,133 --> 01:20:20,704
I probably came off
as crazy and jealous.
1908
01:20:20,706 --> 01:20:22,439
I'm sorry.
1909
01:20:22,441 --> 01:20:23,707
I was wondering,
1910
01:20:23,710 --> 01:20:26,210
if maybe, you wanted
to come over Sunday
1911
01:20:26,212 --> 01:20:29,113
and we could watch
the Oscars together.
1912
01:20:29,115 --> 01:20:34,285
I'm actually
going to the Oscars
1913
01:20:34,288 --> 01:20:36,054
with that Peter guy.
1914
01:20:38,192 --> 01:20:42,194
Wow, he's taking you
to the Oscars.
1915
01:20:42,197 --> 01:20:44,097
He gave me that book deal.
1916
01:20:44,099 --> 01:20:47,567
That's great.
I'm happy for you.
1917
01:20:47,570 --> 01:20:49,436
Maybe we could...
1918
01:20:49,438 --> 01:20:52,306
Sure, just give me a call.
1919
01:20:52,308 --> 01:20:53,407
I'll call you.
1920
01:20:53,410 --> 01:20:54,609
I should let you go.
1921
01:20:59,349 --> 01:21:00,765
All right.
1922
01:21:00,766 --> 01:21:02,182
All right,
good luck with all that.
1923
01:21:02,185 --> 01:21:04,085
All of it.
1924
01:21:07,759 --> 01:21:11,394
¶ I will hold youWhen you cry ¶
1925
01:21:11,396 --> 01:21:15,498
¶ Lay beside you In the night ¶
1926
01:21:15,500 --> 01:21:18,034
¶ I am your best friend ¶
1927
01:21:18,037 --> 01:21:20,370
¶ For life ¶
1928
01:21:20,372 --> 01:21:25,375
Message from Marcia Wallace.
1929
01:21:25,378 --> 01:21:27,512
Hi, doll.You never returned my call.
1930
01:21:27,513 --> 01:21:29,046
I over-reacted.
1931
01:21:29,049 --> 01:21:30,515
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
1932
01:21:30,517 --> 01:21:32,350
It's just that sometimes
1933
01:21:32,352 --> 01:21:35,253
it's hard to take the bearout of the momma bear.
1934
01:21:35,256 --> 01:21:37,122
I was wrong. I'm sorry.
1935
01:21:43,832 --> 01:21:45,799
Look, I hate to harsh
your whole princess trip here
1936
01:21:45,800 --> 01:21:47,399
but I just read through
the book contract
1937
01:21:47,402 --> 01:21:49,302
from Peter Durton.
1938
01:21:49,305 --> 01:21:52,106
And, as your literary agent,
I have to tell you,
1939
01:21:52,108 --> 01:21:55,443
which I hate to tell you
because it is so much money
1940
01:21:55,445 --> 01:21:58,712
and I love money,
but it is the worst deal ever.
1941
01:21:58,714 --> 01:21:59,713
What? Why?
1942
01:21:59,715 --> 01:22:01,215
What's wrong with it?
1943
01:22:01,218 --> 01:22:03,485
It's indentured servitude
with better outfits.
1944
01:22:03,487 --> 01:22:06,555
I mean, seriously,
you have no creative rights.
1945
01:22:06,557 --> 01:22:08,256
He basically owns you.
1946
01:22:08,258 --> 01:22:10,092
He tells you
exactly what to write.
1947
01:22:10,095 --> 01:22:11,661
I mean, granted,
for a lot of money
1948
01:22:11,662 --> 01:22:14,296
and, seriously, better outfits.
1949
01:22:14,299 --> 01:22:15,531
They literally
have the right to dress you.
1950
01:22:15,533 --> 01:22:16,699
What?
1951
01:22:16,701 --> 01:22:18,434
It's like you're Author Barbie.
1952
01:22:18,437 --> 01:22:20,604
All right, well, you know,
we'll just negotiate with him.
1953
01:22:20,606 --> 01:22:22,873
I doubt it.
1954
01:22:22,875 --> 01:22:25,109
Look, you feel free
1955
01:22:25,112 --> 01:22:26,845
to stay here
as long as you want
1956
01:22:26,847 --> 01:22:29,747
and to write a book
that is actually good,
1957
01:22:29,749 --> 01:22:31,749
which I believe
that I can sell.
1958
01:22:31,751 --> 01:22:33,251
All right?
1959
01:22:33,253 --> 01:22:35,453
You know, granted
there's no guarantees but...
1960
01:22:35,455 --> 01:22:38,823
I can't keep
living here for free.
1961
01:22:38,826 --> 01:22:40,192
You keep doing
my grocery shopping
1962
01:22:40,194 --> 01:22:43,362
and you can stay here forever.
1963
01:22:43,364 --> 01:22:44,864
And you have to play Candy Land
1964
01:22:44,866 --> 01:22:47,133
with Sophie any time she asks.
1965
01:22:47,136 --> 01:22:48,135
I love playing Candy Land.
1966
01:22:48,137 --> 01:22:49,369
I'm good at it.
1967
01:22:49,371 --> 01:22:51,271
Okay, well, seriously,
there's no strategy.
1968
01:22:51,273 --> 01:22:52,439
You just pick and what you get
is what you get.
1969
01:22:52,441 --> 01:22:53,673
I mean... No.
1970
01:22:53,675 --> 01:22:54,774
When I play it,
there's strategy.
1971
01:22:54,776 --> 01:22:56,209
Oh, really?
You know how to, like...
1972
01:22:56,212 --> 01:22:57,378
I'm not telling you.
Okay, fine.
1973
01:22:57,379 --> 01:22:59,279
All right.
1974
01:22:59,281 --> 01:23:01,181
Welcome, everybody,to the Oscars Red Carpet or,
1975
01:23:01,184 --> 01:23:03,051
as I know it,the Prom of the World,
1976
01:23:03,052 --> 01:23:04,919
where I get to feellike a buck-toothed wallflower
1977
01:23:04,921 --> 01:23:06,354
without a date.
1978
01:23:11,830 --> 01:23:13,429
You look fabulous.
1979
01:23:13,431 --> 01:23:16,266
Those hair and make-up people
are miracle workers.
1980
01:23:16,268 --> 01:23:18,085
Right.
1981
01:23:18,086 --> 01:23:19,903
BTW, Peter wanted me
to show you this.
1982
01:23:19,905 --> 01:23:21,237
You're gonna love it.
1983
01:23:21,239 --> 01:23:24,207
You are our new star author.
1984
01:23:24,209 --> 01:23:25,575
Congratulations.
1985
01:23:26,946 --> 01:23:29,180
Okay, but this is not me.
1986
01:23:29,182 --> 01:23:31,215
But it will be.
1987
01:23:31,218 --> 01:23:32,584
You should be proud.
1988
01:23:32,585 --> 01:23:36,253
Peter normally only spends
$10,000 on retouching
1989
01:23:36,256 --> 01:23:38,823
but he wanted to fix everything
1990
01:23:38,825 --> 01:23:40,292
that was wrong with you,
1991
01:23:40,295 --> 01:23:44,197
so he put $15,000 towards it.
1992
01:23:44,198 --> 01:23:45,718
I... You look great.
1993
01:23:48,937 --> 01:23:50,369
I should be proud...
1994
01:23:50,372 --> 01:23:52,990
Mm-hm.
1995
01:23:52,991 --> 01:23:55,609
That it cost $15,000
to make me presentable...
1996
01:23:55,611 --> 01:23:57,411
Yeah. As an author.
1997
01:23:57,413 --> 01:24:01,882
It's a compliment, obviously.
1998
01:24:01,885 --> 01:24:03,351
Obviously.
1999
01:24:17,602 --> 01:24:20,336
¶ I am beautiful ¶
2000
01:24:20,339 --> 01:24:23,406
¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
2001
01:24:23,408 --> 01:24:26,409
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶
2002
01:24:26,411 --> 01:24:29,112
Hi.
2003
01:24:29,113 --> 01:24:31,814
Hello, could you just makea right at the next light?
2004
01:24:31,818 --> 01:24:32,917
What are you doing?
2005
01:24:32,919 --> 01:24:35,019
I just need a latté.
2006
01:24:35,021 --> 01:24:36,787
We don't have time.
2007
01:24:37,992 --> 01:24:40,492
Hi, new star author.
2008
01:24:40,494 --> 01:24:41,526
I say we do.
2009
01:24:44,566 --> 01:24:46,366
I am out of here.
2010
01:24:46,368 --> 01:24:49,035
Wait. Where are you going?
2011
01:24:49,037 --> 01:24:51,838
You have to bring back
the dress and those shoes.
2012
01:24:51,841 --> 01:24:53,674
Have fun at the Oscar.
2013
01:24:53,676 --> 01:24:55,809
Should bring 'em back
dry cleaned as well.
2014
01:24:58,614 --> 01:25:01,749
¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
2015
01:25:01,751 --> 01:25:04,918
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶
2016
01:25:04,920 --> 01:25:06,620
¶ I feel alive ¶
2017
01:25:06,623 --> 01:25:08,723
¶ I feel alive ¶
2018
01:25:08,725 --> 01:25:11,926
¶ And I am beautiful ¶
2019
01:25:11,929 --> 01:25:13,329
Hey.
2020
01:25:16,401 --> 01:25:17,500
Wow.
2021
01:25:17,502 --> 01:25:19,635
You look fancy.
2022
01:25:19,637 --> 01:25:21,070
Thanks.
2023
01:25:21,073 --> 01:25:23,607
Can I show you one thing?
2024
01:25:23,609 --> 01:25:25,008
Yeah.
2025
01:25:25,009 --> 01:25:26,676
It's kind of funny.
2026
01:25:26,679 --> 01:25:30,847
Michael bought this same exact
coffee maker for our house
2027
01:25:30,849 --> 01:25:32,783
and I wanted to be a good wife,
2028
01:25:32,786 --> 01:25:35,420
so I learned how to use it.
2029
01:25:37,390 --> 01:25:38,856
Michael, being Michael,
2030
01:25:38,858 --> 01:25:40,858
he prefers having coffee out
2031
01:25:40,860 --> 01:25:43,394
so, I've noticed lately
2032
01:25:43,396 --> 01:25:46,331
that you're kind of
short-handed around here
2033
01:25:46,334 --> 01:25:50,436
so I was wondering
if you would consider hiring me.
2034
01:25:50,439 --> 01:25:52,472
This is a good latté.
What do you think?
2035
01:25:53,742 --> 01:25:55,075
Yeah, sure.
2036
01:25:55,077 --> 01:25:56,076
Yes? Yeah, sure.
2037
01:25:56,079 --> 01:25:57,345
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
2038
01:25:57,346 --> 01:25:58,378
I will take the job,
2039
01:25:58,380 --> 01:26:00,680
because, I need a day job
2040
01:26:00,683 --> 01:26:03,517
because I'm gonna try
to write a book.
2041
01:26:04,654 --> 01:26:07,988
That's awesome.
I'm so proud of you.
2042
01:26:07,991 --> 01:26:10,459
Thanks, boss.
2043
01:26:11,428 --> 01:26:13,695
So we'll talk
about this tomorrow.
2044
01:26:13,697 --> 01:26:14,896
I have to go.
2045
01:26:14,898 --> 01:26:15,897
It's a very long story.
2046
01:26:15,899 --> 01:26:17,432
Thank you. Sure.
2047
01:26:17,434 --> 01:26:20,902
Thank you so much.You're the greatest.
2048
01:26:20,905 --> 01:26:22,538
Bye. See you.
2049
01:26:22,540 --> 01:26:24,841
I'm glad we're finallygetting the extra help
2050
01:26:24,843 --> 01:26:27,643
but you don't pay me enough
to dress like that.
2051
01:26:27,645 --> 01:26:30,079
We've got tons ofimpossibly good-looking people
2052
01:26:30,082 --> 01:26:32,449
walking the judgiestred carpet in the world.
2053
01:26:32,451 --> 01:26:33,984
The excitementis palpable here.
2054
01:26:33,986 --> 01:26:35,719
We've got limo gridlock.
2055
01:26:35,721 --> 01:26:36,787
We've got...
2056
01:26:45,732 --> 01:26:46,965
If your celluliteisn't packed into
2057
01:26:46,968 --> 01:26:49,469
at least three layers of Spanx,
2058
01:26:49,470 --> 01:26:51,971
a billion people will seeall the junk in your trunk.
2059
01:27:06,756 --> 01:27:09,557
The Oscars are gay.
Going to Mom's.
2060
01:27:17,668 --> 01:27:19,101
He likes you.
2061
01:27:19,103 --> 01:27:20,736
What?
2062
01:27:20,738 --> 01:27:22,905
He's trying to be
a good wingman.
2063
01:27:22,908 --> 01:27:25,842
He loves the Oscars.
2064
01:27:25,844 --> 01:27:27,544
Is he homophobic?
2065
01:27:27,546 --> 01:27:29,846
Oh, no. His best friend's gay.
2066
01:27:32,118 --> 01:27:34,218
Sometimes I think,
2067
01:27:34,220 --> 01:27:35,920
the only reason to have kids
2068
01:27:35,922 --> 01:27:39,890
is to feel stupid all the time.
2069
01:27:39,892 --> 01:27:43,194
You look gorgeous.
2070
01:27:43,197 --> 01:27:45,530
It takes a village, apparently.
2071
01:27:53,875 --> 01:27:57,243
Oh, that was so nice.
2072
01:27:57,246 --> 01:28:00,080
I'm a nice guy.
2073
01:28:00,081 --> 01:28:02,248
Yeah, I figured that out.
2074
01:28:02,251 --> 01:28:05,152
I don't know what to do
with a nice guy.
2075
01:28:05,154 --> 01:28:07,688
Would you like some pizza?
2076
01:28:07,690 --> 01:28:11,725
He took the meat lovers,
but I have some cheese.
2077
01:28:11,728 --> 01:28:14,028
You know, I would actually
kill for pizza.
2078
01:28:14,030 --> 01:28:16,264
George, how are you?How excited are you?
2079
01:28:16,267 --> 01:28:17,833
Yeah, I'm excited.
2080
01:28:25,943 --> 01:28:27,843
Here you go.
2081
01:28:27,846 --> 01:28:30,981
Thank you.
2082
01:28:30,983 --> 01:28:32,616
Thanks.
2083
01:28:32,618 --> 01:28:38,722
¶ Now that we areBoth sharing ¶
2084
01:28:38,725 --> 01:28:46,664
¶ The moment We fell in love ¶
2085
01:28:46,667 --> 01:28:48,100
¶ The moment We fell in love ¶
2086
01:28:48,102 --> 01:28:49,801
Earlier this semester,
2087
01:28:49,803 --> 01:28:53,839
before my bad lip jobwent viral,
2088
01:28:53,842 --> 01:28:58,278
I asked you guys who do you
think is a feminist icon.
2089
01:28:58,280 --> 01:29:03,883
And I've been
thinking about it,
2090
01:29:03,886 --> 01:29:08,255
and I think that here
in Deborah's department,
2091
01:29:08,257 --> 01:29:10,441
no one is.
2092
01:29:10,443 --> 01:29:12,627
I can't be honest withmy students about anything,
2093
01:29:12,628 --> 01:29:14,628
not even my own fat.
2094
01:29:14,631 --> 01:29:17,232
So,
2095
01:29:17,234 --> 01:29:19,935
I have actually
resigned my position.
2096
01:29:19,937 --> 01:29:21,937
What? Yeah.
2097
01:29:21,939 --> 01:29:22,971
I know.
2098
01:29:24,175 --> 01:29:26,142
I'm gonna write a book,
2099
01:29:26,145 --> 01:29:27,778
which I'm really excited about
2100
01:29:27,779 --> 01:29:29,879
but I'm also really terrified.
2101
01:29:31,916 --> 01:29:33,583
But the biggest thing is
that I'm just really
2102
01:29:33,586 --> 01:29:35,919
gonna miss all of you.
2103
01:29:35,921 --> 01:29:40,991
And so I decided to make
presents for you guys.
2104
01:29:40,993 --> 01:29:42,960
I hope you like them.
2105
01:29:42,963 --> 01:29:45,029
This shirt fits everybody.
2106
01:29:45,031 --> 01:29:48,666
It fits anybody that actually
really cares about equality,
2107
01:29:48,669 --> 01:29:50,603
regardless of gender.
2108
01:29:50,605 --> 01:29:53,872
Because to me, that's what
a feminist looks like.
2109
01:29:53,874 --> 01:29:57,076
And I just really
want to thank you
2110
01:29:57,079 --> 01:29:59,112
for letting me be your teacher.
2111
01:29:59,114 --> 01:30:00,146
I've loved it.
2112
01:30:03,385 --> 01:30:04,884
Who wants a shirt?
Who wants a shirt?
2113
01:30:04,886 --> 01:30:06,247
Yeah. I do.
2114
01:30:07,857 --> 01:30:10,691
What? Don't look at melike that.
2115
01:30:10,693 --> 01:30:11,926
I'm gonna miss you so much.
2116
01:30:11,928 --> 01:30:15,396
Oh, honey, oh, I know.
We're real friends.
2117
01:30:15,399 --> 01:30:17,032
I'm gonna see you all the time.
2118
01:30:17,034 --> 01:30:18,100
Oh, don't.
2119
01:30:18,102 --> 01:30:20,202
Oh, honey, it's gonna be fine.
2120
01:30:32,218 --> 01:30:33,851
Cheese!
2121
01:30:33,853 --> 01:30:36,720
¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
2122
01:30:36,722 --> 01:30:39,423
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶
2123
01:30:39,425 --> 01:30:41,125
¶ I feel alive ¶
2124
01:30:41,127 --> 01:30:42,426
¶ I feel alive ¶
2125
01:30:42,428 --> 01:30:44,862
¶ And I am beautiful ¶
2126
01:30:44,865 --> 01:30:47,832
¶ I don't wanna beSomeone else ¶
2127
01:30:47,835 --> 01:30:50,970
¶ I'm happy whenI'm just myself ¶
2128
01:30:50,971 --> 01:30:52,237
¶ I feel alive ¶
2129
01:30:52,240 --> 01:30:53,739
¶ I feel alive ¶
2130
01:30:53,741 --> 01:30:56,008
¶ And I am beautiful ¶
2131
01:31:24,775 --> 01:31:27,309
When I met Suzanne,
2132
01:31:27,312 --> 01:31:28,778
I thought one thing.
2133
01:31:28,780 --> 01:31:30,714
I thought, "There's a woman."
2134
01:31:30,716 --> 01:31:32,816
And the second thing
I thought was,
2135
01:31:32,818 --> 01:31:34,851
and I don't
like to use this word
2136
01:31:34,853 --> 01:31:36,486
but in my profession I have to,
2137
01:31:36,489 --> 01:31:38,756
"There's a fat woman."
2138
01:31:38,758 --> 01:31:41,125
And when she, God help me,
2139
01:31:41,126 --> 01:31:42,325
I hate to use this word too,
2140
01:31:42,328 --> 01:31:45,763
when she waddled
into my room and she,
2141
01:31:45,765 --> 01:31:47,465
and I hate to use this word,
2142
01:31:47,468 --> 01:31:50,268
"sat her fatness down,"
2143
01:31:50,270 --> 01:31:51,837
I tried to look her in the eye.
2144
01:31:51,839 --> 01:31:53,205
But all I could do
was look her in the fat
2145
01:31:53,207 --> 01:31:54,339
and I thought,
2146
01:31:54,341 --> 01:31:55,774
"If I don't help
this woman now,
2147
01:31:55,777 --> 01:31:58,811
she'll be dead within a week."
152142
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