All language subtitles for Life.in.Pieces.S04E06.480p.x264-mSD[eztv]

*

Hey, Joan, you want
to go for a walk with me?

I got my new stretchy pants on.

JOAN:
Oh, I think the ones

with the little windows
in the front are for the ladies.

Oh, man.

I can't return 'em 'cause
I'm not wearing underwear.

-(clears throat)
-All right, what do you say--

let's take this awesome
conversation on the road,

put a few miles
on that new knee.

Oh, fun. No.

Oh, come on, Joan,
we both need the rehab.

My ticker, your kicker.

Besides, I promised Heather
that I'd get you

out of that bathrobe.

I don't think
that was correctly phrased.

No, that's exactly
what I wanted to say.

Um, I want to get you
out of that robe

and turn you
into a streetwalker.

(laughs)

Oh, I'm exhausted.

These pants have
no ventilation.

My thigh windows
are all fogged up.

Yeah, I feel the same.

I couldn't even walk
over the speed bump.

I had to sit on the curb
and then throw my legs over.

Whoa, look at this.

Who would throw this out?

Oh, I think most people.

Yeah, well, most
people don't have

a treadmill-sized space
right next to their bed.

Well, I haven't played
one of these

since John and I
were first dating.

Oh, my gosh, we won
enough tickets

to buy three packs
of cigarettes.

It was a different time.

I can't even remember
the first time I played.

So, we've all got our stories.

(chuckles)

Yeah, and now I'm just
like this old table:

I'm broken down and ready
to be dumped at the curb.

Hey, don't talk like that.

Sure, she's past her prime,

but you can still sink
your balls in her.

-Oh!
-Come on.

-(giggling)
-What do you say?
Give it a try.

-Fine.
-Yeah.

-All right.
-Yeah, well,

it's not like, you know,

throwing a ball is gonna
make everything seem bet...

-Oh, my gosh!
-Oh!

Did you see that shot?
I've still got it.

All right, what do you say?
A little game, you and I?

Oh, I think I'm gonna beat
the lady pants off you.

(man speaking indistinctly
on television)

Hey, Joan.

You, uh, ready for another walk?

No, I don't think so.

I'm kind of exhausted
from yesterday.

Um, you know, I-I promised
Heather, you know?

And I thought of,
like, a dozen ball jokes.

I thought of two as well.

One of them's historical.

I'll go get them.
I wrote them down.

All right.

Hey, this is getting
much easier.

Did you see me
on that speed bump?

I did.

You know what's really great?

You're wearing underwear today.

Oh, you can see the lines.

I was gonna say
the conversation is nice.

It is.

-Oh! Yes.
-(groans)

Now, all my balls
are in your court.

Ugh. You destroyed me, Joan.

-Oh, honey.
-Well,

I got bogged down
trying to make

a "Cinderella at the balls"
joke, but it's impossible.

It can't be done.

Can you imagine
Cinderella squeezing in

two balls before midnight?

Damn it!

(chuckles)

Oh, hey, I grabbed
a bunch of tickets

out of Sophia's drawer
so we could pretend

-that we won.
-Oh, I think she was

-saving those for a laser tag.
-Ah.

She's got a piggy bank
that says "College Fund."

I take from that all the time.

-(chuckles)
-Oh, no.

It's gone.

It's gone.

Oh, gee.

-It was fun while it lasted.
-Yeah.

I have to thank
Heather for getting us

to exercise together.

Yeah, about that.

Uh... if I'm being
totally honest with you,

Heather doesn't know
we've been doing this.

What do you mean?

Well, she wanted me
to go for a walk,

but I was afraid to go alone.

I mean, what happens
if my heart stops

and there's no one there
to get it started again?

Oh, Tim.

I know we've had our differences

-over the years, Joan.
-We have?

We weren't even talking
to each other last winter.

We weren't?

But, these last few days,

you've been
a real comfort to me.

Oh, Tim, this whole heart
thing can be so scary.

You know, but trust me,
I think your heart's

the best part of you.

Aw. Thanks, Joan.

Well, you want to head back?

We knew the arcade
had to close eventually.

(Tim chuckles)

I'm sorry for whatever
I said last winter.

Oh, you didn't say anything.

That's what hurt.

-(knocking on door)
-Coming.

-JOAN: Tim! Tim.
-(knocking continues)

-Hi.
-Joan. What...?

On my way to the store,
I found an air hockey table.

Just left for dead on the curb.

Uh, about eight blocks away.
You think we can make it?

Eight blocks?

I can do eight and a half.

(excited squeal)
Let's do it.

Let's do it.

And we can work
on our jokes on the way.

You'll never guess
what rhymes with "puck."

Thank you for the dinner.

May I please be excused?

Yes, you may be excused.

(scoffs) We really hit
the jackpot with this kid.

I mean, I don't even mind
that he makes me look bad

-when he opens
the car door for you.
-(chuckles)

I can't believe that we are
parents to a four-year-old.

The only thing is,
what are we gonna do

with all this baby stuff?

-Oh, I know.
-(groans)

Maybe we can sell it to Greg.

Careful. My snake's in there.

No, it's not.

-Careful, my snake's somewhere.
-Oh, Dougie.

Hi, Dougie.

Oh, the new guy's still here.

Yes, Dougie,
we adopted him, remember?

That's why we had you move
into the office.

Right, yes. I remember...

Lucas.

(imitating Darth Vader):
Luke, I am your father.

Bit of a risky joke
for an adopted kid.

COLLEEN:
Yes.

Lucas, do you have any twos?

Go fish, fart-sack.

Did you just call me
a fart-sack?

Lucas, where did
you hear that?

DOUGIE:
Hey!

Which one of you fart-sacks
took my shower Crocs?

-Think I know where he heard it.
-Mm-hmm.

MATT:
So, Dougie.

Suddenly living with

a four-year-old is-- that's just
new territory for all of us.

And you're setting

a terrible example.

You are.

Okay, Dougie, we are not
asking you to move out.

No, because you just signed
that two-year lease

and we know
how vindictive you can be.

Thank you guys for noticing.

All we're asking is
that you find your snake,

you try and watch
your language,

and you just
be your best self.

-Or you can be someone else's
best self.
-Yeah.

I will consider your request.

I've made a decision.

Mm. I've reconsidered.

And I will honor your request.

Lucas, how are you
enjoying dinner?

(burps)

DOUGIE:
Lucas!

Manners. There are ladies here.

Uh, Dougie, you look...

Hot? I know.

-Colleen...
-Mm-hmm?

...could you please
pass the po-ta-toes?

I would be happy to.
What a polite young lady.

Ah. Degrassias.

Could you please pass
the po-ta-toes?

DOUGIE:
Yes, sir.

All right.

Dougie, thank you so much
for making an effort.

Ah, you got it.

I would curtsy right now,

but my Spanx are about
to split me in two.

(all chuckling)

I want soda.

(clears throat)
Dougie...

Um, "may I want soda."

No, no, Dougie,
we-we don't drink soda.

Of course we do not.

Carbonation is the devil's gas.

Dig in.
(chuckles)

Mmm.

Oh, Dougie, you have
a little something on your...

Know what? Enough.

I can't keep up this charade.

It's too hard being
your perfect baby.

And this dinner,
it tastes like poo.

-I'm out of here.
-(fabric ripping)

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Ah! I got angry
and my Spanx just blew.

Okay.

Night is over, losers.

This is the worst dinner
I've ever had.

Ah, God.

Yeah, it is poo, losers.

Give me, give me candy!

Candy!

Dougie's been a really bad
influence on him.

She was singing that "Give me
candy" song all morning.

Oh.

But it's not Lucas's fault.

He's only acting like this
because he wants candy.

Yeah.
Do you have any?

The child has asked for some
several times now.

Give me, give me candy, candy!

Give me, give me candy, candy!

Oh, you guys, listen,
Dougie is not your problem.

I mean, yeah, she is
a problem, in general,

but she's not
this problem.

You have to talk to your kid.

-But he's so young.
-Oh...

Yeah, and we don't
want to say anything

that's gonna
make him hate us.

Yeah, you do.
That's how you know

you're being a good parent.

Sam, go do your homework.

Mom, go do your housework.

Okay, see? That hurt.

But you get where
I'm going with this.

-So we got to, like,
lay down the law.
-Yeah.

And if he hates us,
we'll just give him candy.

Okay, no.

And then we'll take it back.

MAN (on TV):
Watch the entrails

pour out like pancake batter.

Lucas, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be
in bed, buddy.

Ugh, we're watching
a documentary on autopsies.

Dougie, this isn't
appropriate for Lucas.

Don't worry,
it's autopsies on aliens.

You should see the genitals
on this one.

Okay, Lucas, go to bed.

But Dougie said I could
watch one more genital.

Well, Dougie is not
your parents. We are.

Go to bed. Now.

(Lucas and Dougie groan)

(Lucas continues groaning)

This is so hard.
I hate being hated.

I didn't think we would
have to feel like this

until we had a teenager.

Don't worry, you guys
are doing the right thing.

Kids deal well with boundaries.
That's why I was kept in a cage.

-I can't sleep.
-No, I know.

I know. Me neither.

Me neither.

Can I sleep with you?

-Aw.
-I got this, Colleen.

We said go to bed.

No, this is what we want.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm-I'm a little fuzzy
on the rules, buddy.

You want to come up here?

(chuckles)

So, is Dougie my brother

or my sister?

Geez, Heather,
when I said I'd volunteer,

I-I thought I'd be doing
morning announcements

and sharing my political views.

(chuckles)
No, Dad, this is great.

Gets you out,
lets you be more social.

Well, I've got
your mother and Alexa.

Well, they both need a break

from being yelled at
all the time. Ooh, hey!

We know this one.

-Hi, Soph!
-Hi, Pop-Pop.

What are you doing here?

I'm slinging garbage.

My apologies to the cook.

Oh, I didn't make that slop.

I just pour sawdust on it
when it comes back up.

Steve Sissel, Janitorial Arts.

Oh, John Short,
uh, Alcohol Sciences.

-Ooh, that's my minor.
-Oh.

Ugh.

Uh, Sophia,
why is your hot grandpa

-talking to Psycho Sissel?
-What?

-Look, I'm gonna go clean out
the teachers' crapper.
-Mm-hmm.

You finish up that slop,
and we'll meet back

in the janitor's closet
in about 15 minutes.

Got it.

I didn't know that
creepy weirdo could speak.

And did you just
call my grandpa hot?

(woman on TV screaming)

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it. I hate this part.
It's way too scary.

(screaming on TV)

(screams)

Sophia, he's got a chain saw!

You're missing it!

Hey, Siss. Thanks for letting me
borrow your chain saw.

Mine's stuck in a tree.

Yeah, I threw it up there
trying to scare a cat down.

Well, be careful with this one.

It'll cut right through bone,
at least the bones of a child.

(woman on TV screaming)

That's what the weird
salesman told me.

Why is Psycho Sissel here?

Pop-Pop met him at school,
and I think they're friends now.

-What?
-SAMANTHA: Does Pop-Pop know

that Sissel steals fetal pigs
from the science lab

and eats them
in the janitor's closet?

I heard he waits
until everyone is gone,

turns off all the lights,

and slowly walks up and down
the school hallways.

Up and down,

up and down, with a mop.

Ugh, he's so gross and crusty.

His face looks like the top
of a cranberry muffin.

I just wish he'd leave.

Oh, is that so?
Well, you got your wish.

Hey, Siss, let's drink a bunch

and then fire up this chain saw
and cut some stuff.

No. I got to go clean out
the long jump pit.

Preschoolers treat it
like a litter box.

It gets all gross and crusty,

like a cranberry muffin.

(door opens)

That's okay,
I-I can always

-chug and cut
with some other friend.
-(door closes)

(sighs)

Pop-Pop, are you okay?

Well, I called Mr. Sissel,
like, five times, and nothing.

Well, I'm sure
he's really busy at school.

He had to clean
all the lice combs.

HEATHER:
You know what, Dad? Listen,

he probably doesn't
get good reception.

I mean, clearly the guy lives
in a basement somewhere.

No, he's definitely not
returning my calls.

I guess he's just
not that into me.

Well, you don't need him.
You got plenty of friends.

Oh, no, sweetie. Actually,
all his friends are dead.

Two are in hospice.

Oh, that's right.

(phone chimes)

Oh, make that one.

Hello?

Mr. Sissel?

Mr. Sissel?

What do you want?

(gasps)

My God, it's true.

They're horrible, ain't they?

The science lab
ran out of space,

so they make me store 'em
down here.

Huh?

You know, I broke one once.

Only thing that'll get
that smell out is time.

Mr. Sissel, I'm so sorry
for being mean.

Please don't let that
affect your relationship

with my grandpa.

He doesn't make many friends.

Yeah, neither do I.

I thought it was
because I was too chatty.

But now, thanks to you,

I know it's because
I'm a horrifying monster.

No, you're not.
I'm sure you're a very nice man

and that there's a good reason
there's a dismembered torso

in the corner of the room.

That's the CPR dummy.

That is a good reason.

So, will you call Pop-Pop back?

Yeah, I guess.

And, you know, the kids might
not think you're so scary

if you smiled a bit more.

Or you could just smile
with your eyes.

We'll keep thinking.

Hey, guys.

Sissel's got Sophia!

(all screaming)

Jen, you're amazing.

Throwing the perfect
birthday party for Lark

three weeks before you're due.

What's the theme?

Colors?

Well, Lark wanted unicorns,
superheroes, and buses.

You know, I just,
I just want her

to have the best birthday ever

before I have this baby
and ruin her life.

No, honey. A baby is the best
gift you could ever give her.

When I was a baby, Matt
put me in the trash.

Oh, we got you out
before the raccoons came.

(indistinct chatter)

(laughter)

So, Maxine licked,
uh, Madison's Ring Pop,

and I told her I'd get her
a new one, but I'm just gonna

hang here for a second and then
just give her the same one.

You cool with that?

(strained):
Yup.

What are you doing?

Just, uh, chilling.

Uh, you sure about that?

Yup. Mm-hmm. Just a little...

(strains): gas every,
uh, seven to eight minutes.

Oh, my God, you're
having contractions?

What? I am having this birthday
for Lark. Okay?

And it's gonna be perfect.

Because it is her last birthday
where she has us all to herself.

So...
(exhales)

I can get through this.

I am not having this baby today.

Jen?

I'm having this baby today.

(crying):
Is the party over yet?

We were talking in the kitchen
five minutes ago.

Oh, my God,
time is moving backwards.

Okay, that's it. We're taking
you to the hospital. Come on.

-What? No! No.
-Whoa.

If I have this baby today,
then I will ruin her birthday.

Well, whose birthday
are you talking about?

Because technically,
they're both gonna have

the same birthday.

Oh, no.

They're gonna have
the same birthday?

God, why did I let you have sex
with me nine months ago?

Well, actually, you kn...
I was the one that let you.

My barber parted my hair on the
wrong side, and it was game on.

Stranger sex.

Really do not like that
that is your weakness,

but you are a great mom,
okay, to two kids now.

You know, so we got to balance
both of their needs. Okay?

Lark having a great birthday,

Tim delivering the baby
on the front lawn.

Yeah, you're right, we'll go.

After the party.

Well, then, we got to make
this party go quick.

-(children cheering)
-GREG: Here--
you want to know what?

Lark, here.
Let me help you, Lark.

You just got to put your back
into it. Okay?

(people gasping)

Okay.

Okay, here we go.
(grunts)

Yay, Lark. You did it.

-There we go.
-Uh, you want to know what?

-Let's do gifts. Huh?
-Yeah. Gifts.

-Yup, yup, yup, yup.
-Honey? Matt and Colleen
aren't here yet.

-Yeah, that doesn't matter.
-Yeah, 'cause you know
what they're gonna do.

They're gonna show up late,
and then they're gonna pretend

that they left
their gifts at home,

but you're never gonna see it,
so let's just open these.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Save the paper, save the paper.

-Oh, my God.
-I taught her that.

Okay.
Greg, we got to keep moving.

Yeah, ye... I like to just
rip these puppies open.

And that way,
we can make it snow. Whee!

HEATHER:
Greg, do you want me

to make a list of the gifts
for thank-yous?

No, no, we'll do it now.
Uh, thank you all.

Yeah, yeah, o-ours
was a savings bond.

So, you just destroyed it.

You know what?
It's cake time.

-Cake!
-We're doing cake.

Let's do cake.

Can't have the cake
before the pizza.

If all the children go home
and tell their parents

that you served the cake
before the pizza...

Yeah, well, life is short,
eat dessert first.

-JEN: Hey-o.
-Man, this party's wild.

-* Happy birthday *
-* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear Lark *

* Happy birthday to you. *

-Blow the candles out, wow.
-(fake sneeze)

-(cheering)
-Don't tell anybody
your wish, kid!

Okay, you good?

-Yeah. We did it. Let's go.
-Okay.

-Okay...
-(liquid spattering)

HEATHER:
Oh, my God.

Jen, your water broke.

Uh, that wasn't in any book
you ever gave me.

Come here, Lark.

Mommy has to go to the hospital
now because your little sister

is ready to come out.

Are you excited to meet her?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, she's excited
to meet you, too.

And, um, I promise
that she's gonna get you

a-a great present, okay?

Okay. Tell her I want a brother.

Okay, well, they might
be all out of those,

but I'll let her know.

Give me a hug.

Come here.
We love you, kiddo.

We love you.

Go. We've got her.

Go over to Mom-Mom.

-I love you. Go.
-HEATHER: Good luck, you guys.

We love you.

TIM:
Drive safely, please.

Hi. Oh shoot, we forgot
Lark's present at home.

GREG:
Of course you did.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH