All language subtitles for Key And Peele s05e02 Airplane Showdown.eng

(male announcer)
Joey Blunts in the m-m-m-morning.

Yo, Joey Blunts here,
101.2

(all talking at once)

Yo, hey,
everybody, man.

We still tripping
on that last--

(all talking at once)

- That was crazy!
- Wardrobe malfunction.

(laughs)

Y'all are crazy.
I can't tell you no more.

Like, all dirty,
but she's crazy.

- Would you do that, Meatball?
- Look, man...

I grew up
in the hood, all right?

So no.

(laughter)

No, he would want to,
but he can't do it

'cause of that fat ass.

(laughs)

Why y'all always
clowning on Meatball?

Meatball!

You brought it up.

For real, though.

You're a lesser person.

Y'all you two
got to stop playing.

Meatball!

Lady J with me here,
Meatball.

Meatball.

This the top of the hour.
I'm Joey Blunts.

We'll be right back.

- Meatball.
- Whoo!

(indistinct talking over radio)

(announcer)
KBeat 101.3.

(all screaming)

Meatball, Meatball!

(haunting Western music)

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

So, dude,
I swear to God, man.

Stewardesses
are looking hot to me.

I don't care
how old,

what shape.

I'm just like,
let's--

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

- Let's go.
- I'll meet you at the toilet.

Bring me an Advil
and some ginger ale.

(laughs)

(woman's voice)
Can I get you anything else?

(normal voice)
Yeah, you can.

One time, I had, like,
a sinus infection

when the plane
was coming down,

and, [bleep], my girl
was just like,

"I know. I know.
I'm so sorry."

She was like,
"I know.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

(moaning)

Okay, all right.

(Mark)
He's disgusting.

Bernard?
He's disgusting.

He's not even like her.

He's an airplane technician.
I mean, come on.

And he talks too much.
That's why I like you.

You don't talk.
You just listen.

It's good.
(bell dings)

Okay.

And the captain has turned on
the "Fasten seat belt" sign.

Got a little turbulence
coming up.

Should be no problem.

Just remain in your seat
until the sign is turned off.

Thank you
for your cooperation.

Okay.

Excuse me.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Hi, excuse me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna need you
to take your seat.

The "Fasten seat belt"
sign is on.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go
to the bathroom for a second.

I'll be
right back, okay?

I understand
what you want to do.

Unfortunately,
I'm gonna need you

to observe
the "fasten seat belt" sign.

That'd be
much appreciated.

Right, it's just
I read on the Internet

that it's not
against the law

for me to go
to the bathroom

while the "Fasten seat belt"
sign is on, so...

"Seat belt" sign
is on.

But is it
against the law, though?

The light is on.

(inhales sharply)

Is it against the law?

You see
that there's a picture

of a seat belt
on that sign.

I know, but is it
against the law, though?

The "Fasten seat belt" sign
is on.

But is it against
the law, though?

- "Seat belt" sign is on.
- But is it against the law?

- But is it against the law?
- "Seat belt" sign.

- But is it against the law?
- It's on.

- Law.
- "Seat belt" sign is on.

- Legal.
- "Seat belt" sign is on.

- Lawful.
- "Seat belt" sign is on.

- Sir, you're being difficult.
- Law.

- You're being very difficult.
- Law, law, law.

- Seat belt, seat belt.
- Not illegal, not illegal.

- Okay.
- Legal.

- Fasten--
- Legal.

- Fasten your seat--
- Legal.

- Sir.
- I have to piss.

And I have to [bleep]
in the toilet.

Can you lower
your voice?

(whispering) I have to piss,
and I have to [bleep].

Okay, lower
your intensity.

You're louder
than me.

You're yelling
in my face.

Sir, you're the one who I think
needs to tone it down right now.

You are
screaming at me.

(whispering)
You're hurting my eardrums.

(mouthing words)

(mouthing words)

That wasn't
a word.

You're not saying
a word there.

This is a word.

- That's not--
- That's a word.

That's not a word.
That's a tongue trick.

Okay, sir.
Sir, sir.

If you would like--

I would not like to.

I would not like
to sit down.

What I'd like to do is go take
a [bleep] in the bathroom...

because it's not

against the law.

So I'm gonna go
to the bathroom, okay?

Mark with a K.

(tense music)

(people scream)

(people screaming)

(dramatic choral music)

(people screaming)

(people screaming)

(exhales deeply)

(bell dings)

And your captain has turned off
the "Fasten seat belt" sign.

Feel free to move
around the cabin.

Thank you
for your cooperation.

(dark music)

(whimsical music)

(blows raspberry)

(coins jingle)

(ding!)

Wow.

(haunting Western music)

Good to see you,
old boy.

- Yes.
- How was Kenya?

I love Kenya.
Absolutely adore the place.

You know,
it's so important

to protect them,
you know...

Indeed.

The few untouched
tribes left.

- Indeed.
- Yes.

And while we're
on the subject,

I've got something
of a confession to make.

Oh, dear.

While I was down there,
I caught the attention

of a young Masai woman.

You didn't.

She took me
for an exotic,

sophisticated superman
of sorts

and developed something
of a liking to me.

Well, isn't that
always the way?

Yes, it is.

And it's quite awful,
Gerald.

She came down to my hut

wearing nothing
but a fertility headdress

and carrying
a husband stick,

and, oh, I had to participate
in the customs.

Well, it would be
morally irresponsible

if you did not participate
in the custom.

You could destroy
their entire social structure.

Oh, I felt so terrible
about it.

Of course
you did, Gerald.

- I felt terrible seven times.
- Oh, dreadful.

But, you know, Gerald,
I, too, have a confession.

Do tell.

Remember several years ago
when I went to the Amazon?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, I accidentally packed
a lighter in my satchel.

Oh, my.

Yes, well, one day,
I absent-mindedly lit the flint,

and the entire village
took me for a god.

- Oh, no.
- Yes.

Every sundown,
as I was being fellated

by all the young women
of the village,

which is the local custom,

I felt completely embarrassed
by the entire affair.

I can only imagine
in some vivid detail,

but you can't deny
the local custom.

You absolutely cannot deny
the local customs.

(both)
You can't deny the local customs.

One thing you must do
is adhere to the local customs.

(muttering)

You must adhere
to the local customs.

(both muttering)

(muttering) You must adhere
to the local customs.

Local customs
must not be denied!

It's, oh, the least
one can do.

It all reminds me of the time
I was in Papua New Guinea,

and I introduced the local tribe

to the French term
"m?nage ?� trois".

After that evening,
a couple of the local men

- called me "Papois".
- Oh, dear!

Whoops-a-daisy!

(imitates explosion)

Whoops-a-daisy,
indeed.

It's getting harder and harder
to protect the local tribes

from the influence
of the outside civilizations.

I know exactly what you mean,
old boy, exactly,

and I must confess
that the last time

I was deep in the bush
in Australia...

Yes?

I ended up deep in bush
in Australia.

Boo-yah.

Well, where are you
off to now, old boy?

I'm off to Tanzania.

Tanzania--make sure
that you go during an eclipse,

because then everyone
will want to have sex with you.

(both)
Mm.

Hmm.

(chuckles)

(both)
Regrettably.

(both muttering, humming)

(hauntin Western music)

Do you think you are--
Do you think you're a sexist?

Mm... Mm...
Much to my chagrin, yes, I am.

- You are?
- I am. I try not to be, but I am.

- That's good that you know that.
- Oh, yeah.

'cause I'm--
If anything, I'm sexist against men.

Mm.

We sexualize women
as soon as possible.

It's the first thing
we do.

I took a woman's studies class
in college,

and we were in a discussion
with the professor--

Ah, you got in
a woman's studies class, dog.

No, no, no, Jordan.

I know what
you're doing, dude.

Yeah.

Get a little
extracurriculars.

Oh, my God.

We gots to do--
anybody want to work

on this project
at my house afterwards?

That's some nice [bleep], dude.

(haunting Western music)

(bright music)

(applause)

What if we told y'all
that once a month,

half the human race
is in pain?

And the other half

don't want to hear [bleep]
about it?

- I'm Shaboots Michaels!
- I'm T-Ray Tombstone!

Welcome to...

(both)
Menstruation Orientation!

Oh, no,
you don't.

Now, we know you don't want
to hear about it.

But they don't
want to have it,

so sit your ass down and listen
for once in your life.

Today we're gonna talk
to all you men

about what happens to your women
when they're on their periods

and why
it's important to...

(both)
Be sensitive to that [bleep].

Don't say "chillax," "relax,"
"calm down," and "how come?"

Don't say "ass," "fat,"
"grumpy," or "cranky."

They ain't cranky.

They got blood coming
out of their vaginas, y'all!

That's some biblical
plague [bleep], y'all!

That would be like
once a month

if you had locusts flying
out of your dick for a week!

Your ass
wouldn't be cranky.

Your ass
would be like...

- Oh, [bleep]!
(both screaming)

- My dick!
(screaming continues)

(both) So be nice to your bitches
when they bleeding!

If you ain't
getting 'em [bleep]...

Get the [bleep]
out they way!

- They got cramps!
- They got headaches.

They got weight gain!

And every time
they pee,

it's like The Shining
in the toilet.

- Be supportive.
- Be empathetic.

But whatever you do...

(both)
Do not try to solve it!

Don't even bring
that [bleep] up!

When women be
hanging out together,

their periods
will sync up.

Vaginas
be communicating.

They got their own
vagina language.

(both)
Talking about...

(both speaking gibberish)

If you find yourself
around a group of women

and they all have
a backache...

(both)
Back away slowly.

What's that in your pocket
there, Shaboots?

Recognize this,
mother[bleep]?

That ain't
space dynamite.

That's a tampon.

Learn what your bitch
has to go through.

First, you put
this piece in your vagina!

Oop.

Then you push this part
into the first piece!

Gweeps

Then you throw
this part away!

Do that several times
a day for a week

every goddamn month!

It's the worst thing ever
all the time!

It's much worse for them

than it is for you
to hear about it.

And periods
is important.

That's how the body
gets rid of the old egg

so it can cook up
them new ones.

So listen to what's
going on with your female

emotionally and...

(both)
Get your bitch some chocolate!

Don't call her
a bitch, but...

(both)
Get your bitch some chocolate!

(both singing)

(haunting Western music)

It's weird being
in a relationship this long,

when you start to go
on, like, double dates

with other couples.

Mm-hmm.

I'll go an entire night
and not even realize

that my girlfriend
hated this bitch.

Right.

I'll be like, "Oh," 'cause
there was a whole subplot.

I feel like I've been
in that situation before.

I'll tell you,
I had one situation

where there was guy
that I ended up--

I'm gonna just be straight--
I'm gonna be straight about it.

I'm like, "This dude
seems pretty interested

"in what I do
for a living.

"I don't give a [bleep]..."

Oh, [bleep].

"About what he does
for a living."

Oh, [bleep].

"I don't want to hear
actuarial tables."

Calling him off.

(haunting Western music)

There's no way
that he can win.

No, mm-mm, no.

So, anyway, what did you think
of the season finale

of Game of Thrones?

- (gasps)
- Right?

- That was--
- No, no, no.

I'm reading
the books.

Oh, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

And he reads slow.

(laughter)

We can never
talk about it.

We're never
gonna talk about it.

Okay.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

Hey, has anybody seen
that new Russell Crowe thriller?

'cause let me tell--

Ah, ah, ah!

Ah.

Sorry, it's just

we're going tomorrow,
and I don't want to know

a thing about it.

Doesn't want
to know a thing.

- Got you. Okay, all right.
- Sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
That is--

How--who won the game?

- I think--
- N-n-n-n-n-n-n.

That--I'm--
I'm gonna watch it later.

- Oh, you're--
- Oh, you have a DVR.

- I got it--
- Sorry, okay.

Mum's the word.

- Yeah.
- So...

- So...
- Yeah.

What's the weather
gonna be like this--

(squawking)

(dog barking in the distance)

Sorry.
It's, uh...

(sighs)

We're having
a barbecue this weekend,

and I don't want to stress
about the weather.

- No, of course you don't.
- We just-- Yeah.

Yeah.
You know, yeah.

(clears throat)

This three-bean
casserole is--

(scatting)

I'm so sorry, babe.
I just--

- I hadn't tasted them yet.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- Really looking forward to it.

You know?

Don't talk about
the ingredients, I know.

It's a surprise
for your mouth.

- Yeah.
- Really.

Oh, uh...

(laughs)

You know that
commercial with--

Okay, never--

Oh.

(laughs)

(laughing)
Okay.

(woman)
Never mind.

That's probably best.

- Yeah.
- (clears throat)

Oh.

No, it's fine.

- Cheesecake.
- (gasps)

- What?
- Huh?

Got cheesecake.

- I mean--
- Oh, yeah!

- No, I'd love some cheesecake.
- Yeah.

- Let's do that.
- (all) Yeah.

- All right!
- Cheesecake!

I mean-- I mean I've been watching
my cholesterol intake.

But, what the hell, right?

We all gonna die some day
anyway, right?

- What?
- Honey.

- Wow!
- Are you kidding me?

- Really?
- You just ruined it!

Every time!
I'll see you at home.

- Wait a second!
- Rude! Rude!

Now, how would you not know
that that was taking place?

(haunting Western music)

Father, please hear our prayer
for the poor.

Thank you, Father.
Yes.

We beseech You
for the disenfranchised,

the less fortunate,
and those that suffer.

Yes.

Show us Your will
so we can continue

to do Your work.

(both)
Yes.

(overlapping voices) I've come
to answer your prayers.

Listen carefully
to my instructions.

Oh, God.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I want you to send
everything you own...

immediately
in service to the poor.

(bright choral music)

Just want to clarify.
Um...

everything?

(overlapping voices)
Yes, rid yourself

of all earthly possessions.

Oh, [bleep]!
This house is haunted!

(screams)

It's a ghost!

(man)
It's a haunted house!

Go, go, go,
go, go!

It's Insidious.

(overlapping voices)
Oh.

I see
what they did there.

(haunting Western music)

Is there any religion
where you literally--

I mean, the ceremony
is just, like, five seconds

once a month.

You hit it,
and you're just like...

(chanting oddly)

"I'm good
for two months."

That's the other thing.
You can stockpile them.

- You can do a bunch in a row.
- Do a bunch in a row.

Stockpile them.

Like, if I spent a day
just doing...

(chanting oddly)

Never have
to do it again.

Done, you're set.

Buddy, you might've worked
something out there.

This is how--

I think you could
get some followers there.

I think so too.

I'm gonna just keep going
to jerk churches

and dancing around
and screaming.

I'll do that.

(chanting oddly)

Oh, yeah...

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