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1
00:00:11,817 --> 00:00:15,192
- Hey, man, uh, you got it?
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:17,606
- Yeah, I got it.
3
00:00:30,765 --> 00:00:32,336
What you doing?
- Hmm?
4
00:00:33,683 --> 00:00:36,531
- What the...
What the hell are you doing?
5
00:00:37,523 --> 00:00:40,056
- I'm just trying
to give you the money...
6
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,797
- Don't whisper.
Don't whisper.
7
00:00:42,942 --> 00:00:46,775
Just speak like
a normal individual, all right?
8
00:00:46,859 --> 00:00:50,334
Act natural,
and just give me the money.
9
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:51,868
- Okay.
- Okay?
10
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,476
- Okay.
Okay, I will do that.
11
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:54,507
- Thank you.
12
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,178
- Hey, man, what's up?
What you doing?
13
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:04,014
- What's with
the Robin Williams routine, man?
14
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:05,582
What's going on here?
15
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:07,317
Why are you playing
to the cheap seats?
16
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,919
- I'm just trying to act...
I'm just trying to act...
17
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,986
I'm trying to act natural.
- Well, why you jumping
18
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:12,488
in between different characters
to do so?
19
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:13,724
- I'm not.
I'm not doing that.
20
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,092
What am l...
- Trying to act natural.
21
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:16,727
- If anything,
I'm changing my volume.
22
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,428
- You acting like someone
who's trying to hide it.
23
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:19,930
You know who tries to hide it?
24
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,331
Dudes who's buying drugs...
- [shushing]
25
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:22,797
- Try to hide it, all right?
- Okay.
26
00:01:22,881 --> 00:01:25,476
- You looking like the most
drug-buyingest dude in...
27
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,205
- Okay, please stop saying
the word "drugs."
28
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:29,840
- Damn!
- [Shushes]
29
00:01:30,031 --> 00:01:31,351
- Don't shush me.
30
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,878
Now just take out your money.
31
00:01:36,265 --> 00:01:37,242
And fan it.
32
00:01:38,115 --> 00:01:39,901
- Fan it?
- Fan it.
33
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,451
You know how to fan money?
34
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,439
- [Muttering]
- Thank you.
35
00:01:43,523 --> 00:01:45,522
No.
Fan it out.
36
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:47,190
Good.
37
00:01:47,359 --> 00:01:51,703
Now give it to me.
Good.
38
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,262
That's all there is to it.
39
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:55,699
Here come the drug machine.
Boop.
40
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,435
All right, now just high five
and say "drugs."
41
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,211
Both: Drugs!
42
00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:03,945
- Unreal.
Look at these clowns.
43
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,197
- Those two?
- Not them.
44
00:02:06,281 --> 00:02:08,879
Them.
- Go, go, go. Drug deal!
45
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,312
[Both grunting]
[Women exclaiming]
46
00:02:13,156 --> 00:02:15,152
- You're under arrest!
47
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:16,620
- Hands where I can see 'em,
sluts!
48
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,623
[Soul music]
49
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:27,704
50
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:33,478
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
51
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:40,683
[cheers and applause]
52
00:02:45,057 --> 00:02:46,950
- Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
53
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,286
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
54
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,315
- And we are Key and Peele.
- Thank you. Yeah.
55
00:02:52,399 --> 00:02:54,051
[Cheers and applause]
56
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:58,928
Have you ever been in a bathroom
of a baseball stadium?
57
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,664
- And there's this dude?
- This dude... talking about...
58
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,199
We talked about this.
- There's this dude.
59
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:03,362
Right, this guy.
60
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:12,008
- All right, fellas, tap it
any more than two times
61
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:14,641
and you're playing with it.
[Laughs]
62
00:03:15,258 --> 00:03:17,280
- Now he's pretending
like it's his joke.
63
00:03:17,539 --> 00:03:20,565
This joke has been around
since 1867.
64
00:03:20,649 --> 00:03:22,152
- Right.
Can you imagine...
65
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:23,720
- If they did that
in cowboy times?
66
00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:25,522
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Because if a guy did that in...
67
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:27,457
- That wouldn't fly
the same way.
68
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:28,458
- No, it'd be like...
- It'd be like...
69
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,641
[both making metal noises]
70
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:32,977
[Laughter]
71
00:03:33,061 --> 00:03:35,992
[Imitates spurs whirring]
72
00:03:36,115 --> 00:03:38,508
[Laughter]
73
00:03:38,592 --> 00:03:41,188
[Exaggerated drawl]
Well, fellas,
74
00:03:42,569 --> 00:03:45,289
you tap it any more
than two times,
75
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:49,641
and you are officially
playing with yourself.
76
00:03:56,524 --> 00:03:58,522
- That's my joke.
[Imitates gunfire]
77
00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:00,625
[Laughter]
78
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,426
- The right triangle's
longest side
79
00:04:03,509 --> 00:04:04,895
is called the hypotenuse,
80
00:04:05,555 --> 00:04:06,830
and it's this side here.
81
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:12,102
- Hey, I wish I were high
on potenuse.
82
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,563
- [Giggles]
83
00:04:13,647 --> 00:04:15,839
"I wish I was high
on potenuse."
84
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,875
[Laughter]
85
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,853
- Okay, okay, okay.
86
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,822
Oh, Mr. Morrison,
it's very funny.
87
00:04:31,906 --> 00:04:34,531
It's very funny, but let's
get back to the lesson.
88
00:04:35,688 --> 00:04:37,761
And we can see
the longest one
89
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:38,762
where it goes
from this point...
90
00:04:39,047 --> 00:04:40,298
- That was my joke.
91
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,193
- I know, man.
That was hilarious.
92
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:44,234
- Of a triangle.
I've labeled them here
93
00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:46,536
"A," "B," and "C."
- No, but, I mean, I said that.
94
00:04:46,797 --> 00:04:48,038
I said it.
95
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,291
I said it.
I said that.
96
00:04:50,375 --> 00:04:53,743
- Please, please, Mr. Jackson,
keep your comments to yourself.
97
00:04:54,235 --> 00:04:56,546
Thank you.
[Sighs]
98
00:04:56,629 --> 00:05:00,883
Now the hypotenuse...
[laughter]
99
00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:07,390
Mr. Morrison,
you really got me on that one.
100
00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:08,977
Oh, so great.
101
00:05:09,061 --> 00:05:11,146
Oh, oh, Principal Martel,
Principal Martel, come here,
102
00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:12,422
come here,
come here.
103
00:05:12,867 --> 00:05:14,955
Tell Principal Martel
what you said, Troy.
104
00:05:15,039 --> 00:05:18,205
- Oh, she was talking
about the hypotenuse,
105
00:05:18,289 --> 00:05:21,235
and I said, "I wish
I was high on potenuse."
106
00:05:21,319 --> 00:05:24,953
[Laughter]
107
00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:26,500
I'm sorry.
108
00:05:26,584 --> 00:05:29,867
[Laughter continues]
He likes it.
109
00:05:31,016 --> 00:05:32,916
Principal Martel's cool.
110
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:36,552
- Oh, that's...
That's very funny.
111
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:39,690
- Principal Martel,
Principal Martel, I said that.
112
00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:42,221
- Mr. Jackson,
that is enough.
113
00:05:42,305 --> 00:05:44,338
- But I said it first.
- Dude, come on.
114
00:05:44,422 --> 00:05:46,263
- Oh, Mr. Iglesias,
Mr. Iglesias,
115
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,297
yes, come in,
come in.
116
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:48,465
- [Gasps]
- Yeah.
117
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:49,833
Yes.
What's up, peoples?
118
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:52,334
- Fluffy.
- Comedian Gabriel Iglesias
119
00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,537
is touring
the local schools today
120
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,005
for a charity
he's working on.
121
00:05:56,088 --> 00:05:57,946
Tell him what you said.
Tell him what you said.
122
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:01,344
- Uh, I wish I was high
on potenuse.
123
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,481
[Laughter]
I said it like that.
124
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,349
- Oh, my God.
That is clever.
125
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:07,851
That is clever.
Very funny.
126
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,819
- No. No.
- Very funny.
127
00:06:09,902 --> 00:06:11,354
- Right? Thanks, thanks.
- No.
128
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:12,977
Wait, Mr. Iglesias,
Mr. Iglesias,
129
00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:14,378
I'm your biggest fan.
130
00:06:14,462 --> 00:06:15,508
That was my joke.
131
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,393
- You know,
it's not really cool, buddy,
132
00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:19,062
to take credit
for other people's jokes.
133
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,284
Hey, listen,
funny stuff.
134
00:06:21,368 --> 00:06:22,704
I'm doing this big tour
right now.
135
00:06:22,788 --> 00:06:24,727
You want to see about maybe
we could talk about you opening?
136
00:06:24,811 --> 00:06:26,805
I need an opener.
- Wh...
137
00:06:26,896 --> 00:06:28,181
- Um, sure.
138
00:06:28,977 --> 00:06:30,006
- What do you think?
Is that okay?
139
00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:31,508
- Of course. Of course.
- Yeah.
140
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:33,469
- [Gasps]
What?
141
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:37,180
- Sorry about that.
- Talent, man.
142
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:38,727
- It's nice to meet you.
Thanks so much.
143
00:06:38,811 --> 00:06:40,183
- That's like a Richard Pryor.
Get over here, man.
144
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:42,938
Come on.
- Richard Pryor.
145
00:06:43,022 --> 00:06:44,407
- He deserved it.
146
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,297
All right, so across
from the longest side
147
00:06:47,381 --> 00:06:48,866
is a 90-degree angle.
148
00:06:50,204 --> 00:06:53,196
- Good thing I've got
a 90-degree dangle.
149
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:56,566
- Joel, stop it!
You will never be Troy!
150
00:06:56,766 --> 00:06:58,719
- Why are you trying
to be like Troy?
151
00:06:59,195 --> 00:07:00,218
Dick.
152
00:07:01,232 --> 00:07:02,857
- Et tu, nerdy girl?
153
00:07:03,105 --> 00:07:04,261
- [Snickers]
154
00:07:04,345 --> 00:07:07,294
- So the hypotenu...
[laughter]
155
00:07:11,232 --> 00:07:13,550
- What the fuck
is going on?
156
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,752
- I'm gonna piss my pants.
157
00:07:15,835 --> 00:07:18,482
I'm gonna piss my pants
right here.
158
00:07:18,566 --> 00:07:21,107
Oh, my God!
Oh!
159
00:07:21,958 --> 00:07:23,310
[Soul music]
160
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,360
- You ever go see black theater?
Anyone?
161
00:07:26,444 --> 00:07:27,696
- Anybody go
to the black theater?
162
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,107
- Yeah.
Black theater's interesting
163
00:07:29,191 --> 00:07:32,646
because there's a very distinct
black theater style.
164
00:07:33,396 --> 00:07:34,880
- Mm-hmm.
[Laughter]
165
00:07:34,964 --> 00:07:35,974
- There's a lot
of neck acting.
166
00:07:36,058 --> 00:07:38,044
- A lot of neck acting.
167
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:40,510
You should be
a little overwrought
168
00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:41,744
whenever you're ta... even
when you're happy, you know.
169
00:07:41,827 --> 00:07:45,381
Our family will never, ever...
170
00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:47,150
[laughter]
171
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,386
Ever fall apart!
- Mm.
172
00:07:49,468 --> 00:07:51,521
- Seems like something
one should be happy about.
173
00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:55,657
- I woke up today,
and I ate some cereal.
174
00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:57,572
[Laughter]
175
00:07:59,325 --> 00:08:02,397
[Horn playing]
176
00:08:02,481 --> 00:08:06,402
[Applause]
177
00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:08,905
- Intermission!
- [Hums]
178
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:13,278
Both: Oh, Othello
is my shite!
179
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:16,278
- Fucketh yeah! Bam!
- Othello, motherfuckers!
180
00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,582
[Both imitating
swords clinking]
181
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:22,185
- Oh, shit!
- You dead, white person.
182
00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:24,454
[Laughter]
Oh, this play doth seem dope
183
00:08:24,537 --> 00:08:26,909
to me, Martinsia.
- Verily, LaShawnia.
184
00:08:26,993 --> 00:08:28,825
Verily.
Yo, and 'tis about time
185
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,497
Shakespeare doth scriven
the play that places a brother
186
00:08:31,581 --> 00:08:33,296
amongst the firmaments.
- That's my shite!
187
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:35,865
- Oh! Who's your favorite
character? Mine's Othello.
188
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,112
- Oh, 'tis mine as well.
'Tis mine as well.
189
00:08:37,196 --> 00:08:38,801
- Because they got Othello
as a general.
190
00:08:38,884 --> 00:08:41,786
- I know, man!
- I'm saying, helleth, yes.
191
00:08:41,870 --> 00:08:43,273
- And Othello did the beast
with two backs
192
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,792
with that comely white maiden,
193
00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:47,443
and didst not anyone
speaketh against him.
194
00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:49,403
- Mm.
- He straight pimpin'.
195
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:52,882
- Methinks things are looking up
for people of the darker hue.
196
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:54,717
- Damn straight.
- Hoo.
197
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,287
Both:
Hey, nonny, nonny,
talking hey, nonny, nonny
198
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,956
- Come on.
- Oh, hey, Martinsia.
199
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,457
- Mm.
- Wouldst that I could borrow
200
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,459
a couple of ducats
to purchaseth a capon
201
00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:04,727
from yonder concession?
202
00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:06,809
- Pssh, moor, please.
203
00:09:06,893 --> 00:09:08,398
You know I got
a concealed Cornish game hen
204
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,500
up in my doublet.
- Ooh, alloweth me to partaketh
205
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,168
up in this bitch.
- Okay, okay.
206
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:14,571
Get in there.
[Bell dings]
207
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:16,653
- The second act
is about to begin.
208
00:09:16,737 --> 00:09:17,574
- Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Come on, y'all.
209
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,075
Y'all heard the ursher.
210
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:21,311
- If I know Shakespeare,
Othello's about to kill
211
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,885
everybody up in this bitch.
[Laughs]
212
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:27,150
[Horn plays]
213
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,519
[Applause]
214
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:33,656
No, no, no,
mm-mm, I hateth this play.
215
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,385
- How they gonna kill Othello?
216
00:09:35,469 --> 00:09:37,826
- Man, that trifling-ass lago,
I knew he was up to something.
217
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,262
They should have killed him
in the first act.
218
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:41,164
- How they gonna kill Othello?
219
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,366
- And how Othello gonna
do himself in with a dagger?
220
00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:45,368
How doth that happen?
- Let me tell you something.
221
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,604
If a brother killed himself
every time he broke up
222
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:50,006
with a white bitch, this world
would be bereft of brothers.
223
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,341
- You'd be talking
to a skull right now.
224
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,299
- Okay?
- Where's Shakespeares at?
225
00:09:53,383 --> 00:09:55,678
- Shakespeares.
- Oh, oh, he's right there.
226
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,647
Prithee. Make way.
Both: Prithee.
227
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:58,681
- Make way.
Prithee. Make way.
228
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,120
Be gone, Cira.
229
00:10:00,878 --> 00:10:03,319
You killed Othello!
- A black man got it going on,
230
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,067
and you shuffle off
his mortal coil?
231
00:10:05,151 --> 00:10:07,059
- I say unto thee
that's a tragedy.
232
00:10:07,143 --> 00:10:08,324
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, 'tis that not
233
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:10,193
the troubadour Kanye
of the West?
234
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,503
- What? Where's...
Wait.
235
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:14,364
- Truth be told, my lords,
236
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,866
'tis not I who penned
this dreadful play.
237
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,535
'Twas Christopher Marlowe.
Both: Nay, nay, nay.
238
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:22,071
- Yes, it was.
- Thou already tried to use
239
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,806
that line of argument
when the Jews wanted
240
00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:25,408
to kick your ass
after The Merchant of Venlce.
241
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:26,976
- We doth not purchase it,
slick Willy.
242
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,578
We doth not purchase it.
243
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,647
- Be calm, my good lords.
244
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:33,082
'Twill not be long
before another black hero
245
00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:35,818
graceth the stage, and now
if you'll let me take my leave.
246
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:37,737
- Not so fast.
247
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:42,049
You going to write
that hero now.
248
00:10:42,886 --> 00:10:45,971
- Verily that, motherfucker.
249
00:10:52,432 --> 00:10:56,739
[Both exclaiming
and imitating funk music]
250
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:59,395
That John Shafte
is one bad mother...
251
00:10:59,479 --> 00:11:00,376
- Shut that mouth.
252
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,081
- I just speaketh about Shafte.
- Mm.
253
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,071
- Yo, Levi, man.
254
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,854
Just won $10
on this scratch-off, homie.
255
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:14,063
- Pssh, man,
quit pulling my dick.
256
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:18,196
- What?
- Come up in here lying to me.
257
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,197
I ain't buying it.
You pulling my dick.
258
00:11:21,977 --> 00:11:23,633
- First of all,
I ain't lying to you,
259
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,768
and, second of all,
that's not the phrase.
260
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,105
- Come up in here, piss on
my dick, tell me it's raining.
261
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:32,442
- Piss on my leg,
and tell me it's raining.
262
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,777
- Oh, I see, now you gonna piss
and pull on my dick?
263
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,612
Come on.
[Scoffs]
264
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:39,282
- Do you understand that you got
all your shit wrong?
265
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,051
- No, actually,
you got it wrong.
266
00:11:43,258 --> 00:11:44,120
Yeah.
267
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,055
- I...
- Yeah, see?
268
00:11:46,368 --> 00:11:48,750
You ain't even got a dick
to stand on.
269
00:11:51,642 --> 00:11:54,184
- Okay.
Okay, let me ask you a question.
270
00:11:54,731 --> 00:11:57,176
What do you call those little
plastic building blocks?
271
00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:58,871
- What you mean,
Dickos?
272
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,608
- Name a famous comic strip
detective.
273
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:07,371
- Leg Tracy.
What's with the questions, man?
274
00:12:08,098 --> 00:12:10,879
- Do you know the name
of a giant cartoon rooster?
275
00:12:11,825 --> 00:12:13,816
- Foghorn Dickhorn.
276
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,295
- Okay, you done.
You done.
277
00:12:15,379 --> 00:12:17,129
Give me that.
278
00:12:18,590 --> 00:12:20,022
- All right.
Yo, you just gotta...
279
00:12:20,105 --> 00:12:21,457
You gotta leave now, huh?
280
00:12:21,723 --> 00:12:23,526
Just 'cause I got
a dick up on you?
281
00:12:24,147 --> 00:12:25,301
[Scoffs]
282
00:12:28,802 --> 00:12:31,198
I'm a-leg-ted to marijuana.
283
00:12:35,166 --> 00:12:36,551
[Soul music]
284
00:12:37,245 --> 00:12:38,874
- You guys know this rule
in football,
285
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:40,426
excessive celebration, right?
286
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,059
That a player can get
a penalty flag
287
00:12:43,143 --> 00:12:45,809
for celebrating excessively
in the end zone.
288
00:12:45,893 --> 00:12:46,949
What I don't understand is,
289
00:12:47,032 --> 00:12:48,684
they're so disciplined
to learn the skill
290
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,903
of playing football,
you'd think they'd have
291
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:53,022
enough discipline to get in
the end zone and just be like...
292
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:54,690
[straining]
293
00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:56,182
[Laughter]
294
00:12:56,571 --> 00:13:00,206
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- [Straining]
295
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:02,899
- If anything,
doing the Funky Chicken
296
00:13:02,982 --> 00:13:06,465
after you get a touchdown
exemplifies the fact
297
00:13:06,549 --> 00:13:08,237
that you didn't expect you
were going to get a touchdown.
298
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,073
- I know, yeah.
299
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,041
It would be so much cooler
if you just ran...
300
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,262
I mean, you should just score
a touchdown, just be like,
301
00:13:14,346 --> 00:13:15,711
boop,
this is what I do every day.
302
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:16,706
Fuck it.
303
00:13:16,790 --> 00:13:22,002
[Applause]
304
00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:24,516
- And we're coming to the end
of the first quarter
305
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,659
with the Rhinos in the red zone
for the first time.
306
00:13:26,743 --> 00:13:28,890
- Gotta say, Bill,
I like watching these Rhinos.
307
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,894
- Ransom takes the snap,
drops back with good protection,
308
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:34,430
and that's a completed pass
to a very wide-open
309
00:13:34,513 --> 00:13:36,833
Hingle McCringleberry,
the rookie out of Penn State.
310
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:39,502
- Nice grab by McCringleberry.
You think he's happy?
311
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:41,549
- Oh, boy, he is loving it
down there.
312
00:13:41,784 --> 00:13:44,941
- Oh, we got something
of a shooting gallery going on.
313
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:46,916
- Oh, yeah, look at that.
Boy, that is something, and...
314
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,444
Oh, oh, wait,
we've got a flag there.
315
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,214
Is that
for excessive celebration?
316
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:52,782
Oh, see, I'm not sure
about that call.
317
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,750
- I don't know, Bill.
That was three pumps,
318
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,452
and the rulebook says
you cannot have more than two.
319
00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:57,920
- Oh, my gosh,
but look at the kid.
320
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,135
He's pleading his case
with the ref.
321
00:13:59,219 --> 00:14:00,495
- Yeah, but...
- Pleading his case.
322
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:01,757
- Yeah, clearly three pumps.
323
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:02,959
- Coach Johnson
definitely not happy
324
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,260
about this call.
- Two pumps!
325
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,229
- Five minutes
into the fourth quarter.
326
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:08,798
Third and ten, the Rhinos again
threatening to score.
327
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,233
Can the Cougars hold them?
328
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:11,854
- Big play coming here, Bill.
329
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,870
- Ransom takes the snap,
drops back,
330
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:15,938
he floats one
into the end zone,
331
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:17,740
and McCringleberry
pulls it down.
332
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:19,637
- He's got it.
- Oh, my gosh.
333
00:14:19,721 --> 00:14:21,832
For his second touchdown
of the day for this rookie,
334
00:14:21,916 --> 00:14:23,546
he has gotta be feeling great
about himself.
335
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,674
- Nicely done.
I'll tell you, man, he's...
336
00:14:25,758 --> 00:14:27,666
- Oh, oh, see,
now there's two pumps.
337
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,552
- Yeah, he's really testing
the boundaries,
338
00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:32,288
and he's clearly
gotten the ref's attention here.
339
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,252
- A third pump will draw a flag
no matter what.
340
00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:36,198
- [Blows whistle]
- See... Oh, he just did it again.
341
00:14:36,282 --> 00:14:38,226
Now what is that,
the second time?
342
00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:39,462
Now you have
to flag him on this.
343
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,997
- Yeah, he had to.
You know, Bill,
344
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,498
it's just frustrating
seeing young players
345
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,000
without the ability
to restrain themselves.
346
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,635
- Oh, it really is.
It's hard.
347
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,582
- I mean, the ref's
gonna get you every time.
348
00:14:47,666 --> 00:14:48,804
- Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
349
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:50,840
See, now the ref agrees
that's three pumps
350
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,112
right there.
351
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,559
And the quarterback Ransom
under center.
352
00:14:55,643 --> 00:14:57,481
Last five minutes of the game.
353
00:14:57,565 --> 00:14:58,981
The Rhinos
are marching here again.
354
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,783
- Hard to stop this team
from scoring, Bill.
355
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:02,166
They have so many weapons.
356
00:15:02,682 --> 00:15:04,286
- Ransom takes the snap.
357
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,323
And it's a shovel pass
to McCringleberry, who...
358
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,991
He's at the 10.
He's at the 5.
359
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,327
And touchdown, Rhinos.
- Oh, my.
360
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,996
Great block by Hardunkichud,
and that's gonna be
361
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,065
tough for the Cougars
to come back from.
362
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:18,334
- Boy, what a career day
from Hingle McCringleberry,
363
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,036
the rookie out of Penn State.
364
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,438
Oh, he was just amazingly
fired up here today, Jeff.
365
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,006
- You gotta love
the way this guy plays,
366
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,675
and he...
both: Ohh.
367
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,177
- See, now there's one pump.
- Uh-oh.
368
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,879
- I cannot believe this kid.
369
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:32,606
- You got to put your team first
in situations like this,
370
00:15:32,690 --> 00:15:34,216
and McCringleberry's
just not doing that.
371
00:15:34,299 --> 00:15:35,666
- Oh, now there's two.
Jeff, now if he pumps
372
00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:38,386
a third time,
he will draw his third penalty
373
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:39,432
for today.
374
00:15:40,387 --> 00:15:43,206
Everybody here waiting
with bated breath.
375
00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:45,628
- He did it.
- Oh, did he?
376
00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:47,330
- Yes, he did it.
- Oh. That's just...
377
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:48,864
- Couldn't help himself.
- That's just amazing.
378
00:15:48,947 --> 00:15:50,633
I mean, come on,
in professional football...
379
00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:52,234
- It's a shame.
That's what it is.
380
00:15:52,317 --> 00:15:53,703
- Yes, yes, it is.
- You can argue all you want,
381
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,137
but the flag, well,
it's been thrown.
382
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:56,572
- That's right.
If it's three pumps,
383
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,074
The ref's
not gonna take it away now.
384
00:15:58,157 --> 00:16:00,042
- No, he's not.
Duration and intensity
385
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,711
doesn't make any difference.
- Well, Jeff, let's have a look
386
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,879
at the replay here
to see if indeed he did do
387
00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:06,104
the three pumps.
- All right. No question.
388
00:16:06,188 --> 00:16:08,377
There is the first one, right?
- Yeah. Agreed.
389
00:16:08,461 --> 00:16:09,698
- And then coming up
390
00:16:10,709 --> 00:16:11,817
is the second one.
- Okay.
391
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:13,223
- Yes, very clear.
392
00:16:13,307 --> 00:16:14,757
It's the third...
- We'll see it.
393
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:15,752
It's coming up right here.
- I'm just not sure.
394
00:16:15,836 --> 00:16:17,213
Oh, yeah,
you're right.
395
00:16:17,297 --> 00:16:18,549
There's absolutely
three pumps there.
396
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,030
- Oh.
- Uh, apologies to all
397
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:22,064
those watching
with young children.
398
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,776
Clearly unintentional.
399
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:27,166
[Soul music]
400
00:16:27,503 --> 00:16:30,557
- Our writing assistant James,
he's a white guy,
401
00:16:30,806 --> 00:16:32,391
and, you know, he basically...
402
00:16:32,474 --> 00:16:35,752
His job is to kind of
read back stuff that we write,
403
00:16:35,836 --> 00:16:38,263
and so sometimes
we'll just mess with him
404
00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:41,434
by just, like, putting
the N-word in a sketch,
405
00:16:41,517 --> 00:16:42,768
like, 50 times.
406
00:16:43,096 --> 00:16:44,690
- He does everything
in his power
407
00:16:44,774 --> 00:16:45,965
to be politically correct.
408
00:16:46,049 --> 00:16:47,043
James, read that back to me,
read that back to me.
409
00:16:47,127 --> 00:16:48,474
- He's like,
"All right, well"...
410
00:16:48,557 --> 00:16:50,476
- I gotta hear that back.
Quick, quick, fast, fast, fast.
411
00:16:50,559 --> 00:16:52,278
Go fast, read it fast,
read it fast.
412
00:16:52,361 --> 00:16:54,213
- Uh...
- Rapid-fire, rapid-fire.
413
00:16:54,296 --> 00:16:55,214
I'm gonna read it with you.
I'm gonna read it with you.
414
00:16:55,297 --> 00:16:56,282
- What's up, my "unh"?
415
00:16:56,365 --> 00:16:58,674
- Ain't nothing wrong, man.
416
00:16:58,867 --> 00:17:00,385
I'm just hanging, my nigga.
What's going on?
417
00:17:00,469 --> 00:17:03,424
- Just, "unh," please.
418
00:17:05,017 --> 00:17:05,958
- Don't go next door.
419
00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:07,226
There's some crazy niggas
over there.
420
00:17:07,309 --> 00:17:10,525
- Uh, you got that right,
"unh."
421
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:16,459
- Marjorie,
I'd love a cupcake.
422
00:17:17,586 --> 00:17:19,171
Thank you so much
for coming today.
423
00:17:19,254 --> 00:17:22,074
As you know, every year
the vice president hosts
424
00:17:22,157 --> 00:17:24,677
the annual company luncheon,
so I brought you here
425
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,146
to make sure that none
of my material could be
426
00:17:27,229 --> 00:17:28,481
in any way misconstrued
427
00:17:28,564 --> 00:17:31,412
as sexist or racist
or homophobic.
428
00:17:31,496 --> 00:17:34,688
So if you hear anything that
could be in any way offensive
429
00:17:34,772 --> 00:17:36,904
to anyone,
just raise your hand, and...
430
00:17:37,106 --> 00:17:39,158
Oh, I haven't
really started yet.
431
00:17:39,241 --> 00:17:40,927
Did you find something
offensive?
432
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:42,695
- The fact that you think
I need a man's permission
433
00:17:42,778 --> 00:17:45,328
to raise my hand
is insane.
434
00:17:45,412 --> 00:17:47,969
I can raise my hand
whenever I want to raise my hand
435
00:17:48,053 --> 00:17:49,335
because I'm a free woman.
436
00:17:49,418 --> 00:17:51,492
- So I should just
raise my hand like this,
437
00:17:51,576 --> 00:17:54,594
like a big, old black
power fist, yeah, huh, boss man?
438
00:17:54,678 --> 00:17:55,774
Is that what you want from me?
439
00:17:55,858 --> 00:17:57,047
- Is this what you wanted?
440
00:17:57,131 --> 00:17:58,711
A floppy gay hand
441
00:17:58,794 --> 00:18:00,379
just floating around
in the air.
442
00:18:00,462 --> 00:18:02,453
Well, here you go.
Here's my floppy gay hand
443
00:18:02,537 --> 00:18:04,850
at the end
of my limp, gay wrist.
444
00:18:04,933 --> 00:18:06,052
Happy?
- No.
445
00:18:06,135 --> 00:18:07,553
Jesus, no.
446
00:18:07,881 --> 00:18:09,021
Wow, what?
447
00:18:09,104 --> 00:18:11,190
- Why not "Mary, no,"
or "Rachel, no,"
448
00:18:11,273 --> 00:18:12,725
or "Bathsheba, no"?
449
00:18:12,808 --> 00:18:15,194
Why does it have
to be Jesus, a man?
450
00:18:15,277 --> 00:18:17,547
- And are we talking about
the Jesus that accepts everyone
451
00:18:17,631 --> 00:18:19,632
or the Jesus who doesn't believe
that people
452
00:18:19,715 --> 00:18:21,578
should be able to love
who they love?
453
00:18:21,662 --> 00:18:24,704
- Oh, maybe I should just
break out in some gospel songs,
454
00:18:24,787 --> 00:18:26,739
screaming and hollering
and hooting,
455
00:18:26,822 --> 00:18:29,208
"Oh, Lordy, Lordy."
456
00:18:29,291 --> 00:18:30,843
- No, this isn't the speech yet.
457
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,211
Can I just do the speech?
458
00:18:32,294 --> 00:18:34,480
- Oh, you want this bitch
to shut up?
459
00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:36,082
Is that it?
- What's the matter?
460
00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:38,050
The black guy's
making way too much noise
461
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,652
in your movie theater,
massa?
462
00:18:39,735 --> 00:18:42,906
- Forgive me for lisping
and lilting through your speech.
463
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:45,091
- No, I just meant...
all: Whoa!
464
00:18:45,174 --> 00:18:48,060
- What's with the hands, man?
I ain't gonna shoot ya.
465
00:18:48,143 --> 00:18:49,662
- What, are you gonna grab
my breasts now?
466
00:18:49,745 --> 00:18:52,398
- Protect yourself
from the gay invasion.
467
00:18:52,481 --> 00:18:56,211
- Guys.
- Oh, "guys," should I leave?
468
00:18:56,295 --> 00:18:57,570
- Sorry, men and women.
469
00:18:57,653 --> 00:18:59,405
- Let's exclude everybody
who identifies themself
470
00:18:59,488 --> 00:19:01,073
as something else,
because they're not people!
471
00:19:01,156 --> 00:19:02,174
- I meant people.
472
00:19:02,257 --> 00:19:04,131
- Whose people?
My people?
473
00:19:04,326 --> 00:19:06,070
Do I speak
for my people?
474
00:19:06,154 --> 00:19:08,373
- All right.
- More like "all white."
475
00:19:08,457 --> 00:19:10,081
- More like "no rights."
476
00:19:10,165 --> 00:19:13,519
- More like "Women are
second-class citizens, right?"
477
00:19:13,602 --> 00:19:14,740
- Okay, stop!
478
00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:17,367
Men, women,
people of all ethnicities,
479
00:19:17,451 --> 00:19:20,561
genders, sexual orientation,
religion,
480
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:23,404
can I please just get
to my speech?
481
00:19:25,266 --> 00:19:25,977
- Fine.
482
00:19:26,061 --> 00:19:28,768
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
483
00:19:30,881 --> 00:19:31,779
- Okay, here goes.
484
00:19:32,951 --> 00:19:35,474
A Chinaman, a Polack,
and an Arab walk into a bar...
485
00:19:35,557 --> 00:19:36,642
- I love Arab jokes.
486
00:19:36,725 --> 00:19:38,444
- Ching-chong,
bring it on.
487
00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:40,068
- You had me at "Polack."
488
00:19:41,997 --> 00:19:45,618
[Hail to the Chief]
489
00:19:45,701 --> 00:19:47,420
- Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
490
00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:50,823
Every day, our citizens improve
the lives of those around them.
491
00:19:51,108 --> 00:19:53,292
Today we honor Troy Morrison.
492
00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:55,766
Now, Troy was
in geometry class
493
00:19:55,850 --> 00:19:58,631
when his teacher mentioned
the hypotenuse of a triangle.
494
00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:01,593
Troy said, "I wish I was high
on potenuse."
495
00:20:01,889 --> 00:20:03,069
That really cracked me up,
496
00:20:03,152 --> 00:20:05,638
and it cracked up
the rest of America too,
497
00:20:05,721 --> 00:20:08,307
so today I'm pleased
to present Troy
498
00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:11,110
with the congressional
comedy medal of honor.
499
00:20:11,193 --> 00:20:14,246
Troy, on behalf
of the entire country,
500
00:20:14,329 --> 00:20:16,727
I just want to thank you
501
00:20:16,811 --> 00:20:20,019
for your fantastic,
off-the-cuff line.
502
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:22,313
You are a true comedy hero.
503
00:20:22,397 --> 00:20:24,290
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
504
00:20:24,373 --> 00:20:26,692
And also, Mr. President,
I have something for you.
505
00:20:26,775 --> 00:20:27,811
- What's that?
506
00:20:28,905 --> 00:20:31,485
Oh! He got me one.
507
00:20:31,569 --> 00:20:33,432
Yes!
These are sold out.
508
00:20:33,515 --> 00:20:35,468
I haven't been able to get
my hands on one of these.
509
00:20:35,551 --> 00:20:37,671
Thanks, Troy.
Oh, my God.
510
00:20:37,755 --> 00:20:39,382
"High on potenuse."
511
00:20:39,521 --> 00:20:40,840
[Cheers and applause]
512
00:20:41,053 --> 00:20:42,341
- We killed that last one.
513
00:20:42,424 --> 00:20:44,043
I'm talking about
ah, ah, ah!
514
00:20:44,126 --> 00:20:45,544
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Come on, come on.
515
00:20:45,627 --> 00:20:47,313
That's excessive.
That's excessive.
516
00:20:47,396 --> 00:20:48,681
- Good night, everybody.
- Have a good night.
517
00:20:48,764 --> 00:20:50,783
- Wait a second.
[Overlapping arguing]
518
00:20:50,866 --> 00:20:55,769
[Cheers and applause]
519
00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,926
-
I'm gonna do
my one line here
520
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:03,001
- Oh, yeah.
521
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:06,182
- Like, a weed dealer,
522
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,144
they're always
paranoid as fuck.
523
00:21:08,228 --> 00:21:10,736
There was one guy, we just
called him "Too Many Windows."
524
00:21:10,885 --> 00:21:12,832
- Too many windows?
- 'Cause we live in New York,
525
00:21:12,916 --> 00:21:14,316
my man would come in,
526
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,031
my man would look,
and he'd go,
527
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:17,670
"Too many windows, man.
Too many windows."
528
00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:19,867
[Laughter]
Ripped By mstoll
529
00:21:19,951 --> 00:21:20,851
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
530
00:21:20,901 --> 00:21:25,451
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