Original subtitles

- [Clears throat]

Hey, buddy. - Hey, my dude.

What's going on, man? It's good to see... I'm sorry.

I'm talking at the same time as you.

- Okay, go ahead. - You go ahead and talk.

I'm sorry, go ahead. - No, it's all right. I...

- [stammers] Ripped By mstoll

- Go... - Are you talking right now?

- Yeah, I'm trying to...

- Go ahead. - All right, this is...

- Go ahead. - Okay, go ahead.

- Try to not... um... - I'm just... I'm gonna talk,

and you just keep... okay. - No, it's you.

- I'm sorry. - No, all right, I'll go...

- It's just that my Internet connection's a little weak.

Ugh. - Gosh.

- Are you talking right now? - I'm... no.

- Are you talking right now? - I think... I can't tell

if it's a delay... - God damn it.

- Shit. - Okay.

- You go first, and speak... - I'll talk, and then

you start... - And then... no.

Wait. What? - What's that?

- Wait. What?

Fuck! - God damn it!

- I can't fucking believe this. Not today!

- You got to be kidding me! - Not fucking today!

- Ridiculous!

- Got to have this conversation!

Shit! - Okay, okay.

- Okay, did the delay come back, or are you... did you catch up?

- You know what? Let's just lay back, just calm.

- You haven't fucking caught up, or we wouldn't be

talking at the same time. - Wow.

- God damn it!

Okay, listen... okay, listen... - Okay, here's the thing...

- We got to stop trying to talk at the same time...

- Let me just get... - And try to make...

- Okay. - Or this conversation...

- All right, fine. - It's gonna just go on...

forever. - I can't get out of it.

- Okay, I can't... listen... - Then that's ridiculous, I'm...

I'm... that... no.

- What a bunch of... God, help me, please!

- There's only one thing we can do, okay?

- I can't! - There's only one thing

we can do. - No, listen to me!

- Yeah, we got... - I don't know how to get

out of this! - Well, then we got to end it.

I got to end it. - I got to end this!

- I can't... - I got to end this!

- I can't do it anymore! - I can't do it anymore.

- Okay, fine! - I can't do it anymore!

- Then we're gonna end it.

Okay, we're gonna end... - I got to...

[crying] I can't do it. - Keegan?

Keegan, I'm gonna end it. You're frozen. I can't tell...

We're gonna end it, okay?

I just don't want you to be offended.

Ending it, and... oh!

Oh, he really meant "end it."

[Soul music]

Resync BluRay by LeRalouf

[cheers and applause]

- Whoo!

Hello! Mwah!

Good evening. Hello.

Hello.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Okay, okay. - Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele.

- And we are Key and Peele. - We are Key and Peele.

- Thank you. [Cheers and applause]

- You guys see that movie Django Unchalned?

- Did you see that movie? All: Yeah!

- Did you see it? Okay, mm-hmm.

- That movie... I didn't want to like that,

but that was good, though. That was good.

- [Laughs] - 'Cause I appreciate

some historical, you know, relevance and some accuracy,

and when he shot that bitch and she flew across the room...

- And she flew off the thing, yeah.

- That's me. That's... - That was worth $12

right there, that one moment.

- But Spike Lee had a problem. - Yes, he did.

- Before the movie came out... - Before the movie came out,

before he had seen it, he was like...

- He was like, "Yo, this is absolutely"...

I'm like, "Get some coffee in your system, Spike,

'cause you've already lost my attention."

He didn't like the N-word. - He didn't like

the prolific use of the N-word. - Yeah.

- Which l... I'm trying to think, how do I describe it?

The N-word... The use of the N-word in a movie

that's set in slave times in the South in the 1850s.

"Accurate" is how I would...

- Well, all right, friends.

The first fight of the evening will feature

one of my slaves versus one of the slaves

of my distinguished guest, Mr. Jacob Dixon.

- [Chuckles] You know, Robert,

I hope you're as gracious a loser as you are a host.

[Laughter]

- All right, enough talk. [Snaps fingers]

[Sighs] Now...

Fight, you devils! Fight to the death!

- [Chuckles]

- Hey. - Hey.

Um, question. - Mm-hmm?

- [Chuckles]

How do we get out of this thing alive?

- It's really simple. Just let me pretend to kill you.

- Hmm, maybe it just makes more sense if I pretend to kill you.

Yeah. - Yeah, I just...

I want to make it believable, so...

- Well, that's what I was... That's what I was going for too.

[Cane thuds] - What the blazes

is going on over there in that endless clinch?

Tear him apart!

- Okay, let's... - Oh! You get... mm!

[Both grunting dramatically]

- So just... just die from this.

- From this? Um, just... - [grunts]

- You know what? Just something doesn't feel right,

so if I could just... if I just...

let me... go with me here. - Okay. Oh.

[Both growling]

- Yep, that was it, that was it. This feels much more real.

So... - Really? What? Why?

- Um, sorry, what do you mean "why"?

- Fight! My God!

- Oh. - I-I'm getting frustrated now.

- Damn it, kill!

[Both grunting]

- Nope, not a thing. Not a thing.

- Nothing? Okay, let me just get...

Mm, I'm gonna get him. I got him.

- Let me get you, though. - Just let me get you, though.

Both: No, let me get you.

- It was my idea, so can I do it first?

Both: Let me get you... - Though, just for, like, a...

Can you just let me get you for a second, please?

- Let me get you!

- Stop fighting like sissies and kill each other!

- Okay. [Both grunting]

- All right, so check this out. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

- All right, we'll back up...

- Mm-hmm. - And you run at me real fast,

just do a bunch of spins and kicks and flourishes,

and I'll just knock you out, one punch, and then you're dead.

- Okay. No, wait, wait, what?

I'm sorry, so you can look cool? No, thank you.

- If someone doesn't die soon, I will kill you both.

- Thank you.

- [Grunting] - Ohh!

- Ah, that's my boy!

- [Grunts] - Ohh!

- [Grunts] Ah!

- Aah!

- You are not getting stronger from my punches.

- Yes, I am, though! - Listen, come here.

Listen. Listen, listen.

Let's be fair, okay?

We both slam into each other, and we both die.

Fair?

- That's fair. - All right.

[Both grunting] One!

- This will be good. - Two!

Both: Three!

[Grunting dramatically]

- What? - Oh, you son of a bitch!

- What? You were never gonna fall.

- You didn't even try to fall down.

- What the hell? - It's the fakest thing...

How about that? - No. No, don't hit me.

Oh, what's that? - Ow.

- What in tarnation are you doing?

- Come on, stop.

Oh, you hit my balls.

- Hey, everybody.

War's over.

Slavery is abolished.

Sorry.

- [Scoffs]

We'll call it a draw. - Done.

- Good for you, though, huh?

- Thank you? - Let's go.

- Well, wait. Before you... No, no, no, no, no, hold up.

- Just if... just if I may, who do you think

would have won the fight? - Yeah, between the two of us?

[Soul music]

- We've had, on a couple of occasions,

like, I mean, real super-tough,

like, tatted-up Mexican dudes walk up to us and go,

"Hey, homes.

Like, you guys should make fun of us."

[Laughter and applause]

You know, the guy's, like... blink,

he's got a K and a P tattooed here.

We're like, "No, it's okay." - "It's all right."

- "It's all right." "No, you should do it.

Like, make fun of us more." - "Nah."

- "Because you guys... you guys are leaving us out."

- You can't... - "Like, don't leave us out.

We're trying to have fun too, okay?"

- Yeah.

- "We're trying to have fun, ese."

- That's some scary shit when their eyes get big.

That's some scary shit. - "Hey."

- No.

I don't want none of that.

It's like, if you have human sacrifice in your DNA,

I'm not gonna make fun of you. - [Laughs]

Okay, let's get this thing going.

Everybody take a seat.

We got to have more meetings, homes,

'cause I'm telling you, man, we got to get organized.

[Sighs]

[Sirens wailing in the distance]

Carlito ain't got a seat, man. Someone get him a chair.

- No, I'm cool.

- No, dude, get him a chair, homes.

- Nah, man.

I'm gonna sit gangster.

- But, Carlito, it doesn't look like it's comfortable, man.

Why don't you just sit in the chair?

- I never sit in no chair, ese.

Mm-mm.

You never, ever gonna catch me sitting in no chairs.

- Hey, ese, you know that that's loco, right?

- No, man. [Scoffs]

- It's cool, Carlito.

No one's gonna think you're soft

if you sit in a chair, homes. - Yeah, yeah.

- We're all sitting in chairs. - Right.

- Bunch of bitch-ass culeros.

- Que? - I don't have no time

to sit in no fucking chair.

- Huh. Okay.

Now that we're all here...

You know what? But why, though?

Like, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself up

with a rule like that.

- No, it's, like, limiting. - Yeah, limiting.

- Limiting. - I mean, sometimes,

people sit in chairs.

- Man, fuck all of you guys with your bitch-ass chairs.

- There. - [Scoffs]

- Okay, Carlito, quit playing and sit in the chair, pendejo.

- No. - Carlito,

we have to have this meeting now, ese. Get up!

- I'm good right here, man.

- You know... - I'm chilling.

Go ahead with your meeting.

- Okay, but you know it's going to be weird.

You don't care that it's going to be weird?

- Weird for you, maybe.

- He doesn't care. Okay.

Okay, homies, so this is what we have to do.

Like, we got to sell more drugs...

- [groaning] - And we got to make

more crimes happen.

Roberto, where are we... - [groaning]

- Carlito, you're bleeding, ese!

- [Grunts] Who cares, man?

[Winces]

- Yo, whoa! You just got shanked, man!

We got to pull that out! - Leave it!

I'm chilling, homes.

I don't care about that stupid shank.

[Groaning]

[Exhales sharply]

- Carlito.

Carlito, wake up, man!

[Overlapping chatter]

Carlito!

- Hey, don't even bother, ese.

- [Screams]

Oh, Dios m?o!

- I don't need those defibrillators.

I don't even want to come back to life, homes.

- Carlito... - Clear!

- Go back into your body.

- My body's stupid, homes. - What?

- I'm fine right here on the spirit plane.

Life is for pussies.

[Heavenly singing]

- Oh, my... Carlito.

Carlito, go to the light.

- Nah, I'm good, man.

- Carlito, that's Heaven, man.

- I don't need to go to Heaven, homes.

Heaven is for pussies. - Oh, boy.

- Hello, and welcome to the fifth annual meeting

of the Tallahassee Black Republicans.

Now, I'm pissed! All: Mm-hmm.

- Royally pissed! All: Mm-hmm.

- Last November, Barack Obama was reelected president,

and the black vote went almost entirely to him!

[Crowd murmuring] - Dagnabbit.

- We're not getting our message out, obviously.

The Republican party is and should be

the only home for black voters. - Yes, yes, sir.

- Now, people think that black voters are a monolith.

[Scoffs] We're not a monolith.

- What? - No, we're not.

- In fact, black Republicans alone

are an extremely diverse group of people.

All: Mm-hmm.

- Now, to speak more on diversity,

I present tonight's speaker...

Mr. Douglas Jackson.

[Applause]

[Applause ends abruptly]

- Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I'm pissed!

All: Mm-hmm.

- I'm royally pissed. All: Mm-hmm.

- The liberal media thinks that Republicanism

is not for black people. All: Mm.

- Now, you tell me, what about fiscal responsibility,

a strong national defense, and a limited government

is unappealing to black people?

We're not a monolith! All: Mm-hmm.

- We come in all different shapes and sizes.

- Yes, we do. All: Mm-hmm.

- Now, who here would like to come up to this podium

and speak about the diversity amongst black Republicans?

- [Clears throat]

- Oh. [Chuckles]

Gentlemen, we have a real treat today,

a gentleman who is a little bit eccentric,

a little bit outside of the box, if you will,

but I can't think of a better person to speak

on diversity amongst black Republicans

than this gentleman right here.

All the way from Orlando, my good friend

Arthur Washington, ladies and gentlemen!

[Applause]

It's good to see you. It's good to see you.

Good to see you, man.

[Applause]

[Applause ends abruptly]

- Thank you for the introduction, brother Douglas.

- Thank you for being here, brother Arthur.

- However, I am pissed.

[Crowd murmuring agreement]

Royally pissed.

- Indeed, indeed! - All right.

- Democrats think they have the right

to all the black people, but that is not the case.

We are not a monolith. [Crowd murmuring agreement]

Democrats may be cool, but they ain't practical.

- There you go. All: Mm-hmm.

- Republicans are practical.

Black people are practical!

Come to think of it... - Get those pants.

- I think black Republicans are pretty cool.

- So do I. So hear, hear, hear, hear.

- Not to mention very diverse.

- There we go. Mm-hmm. [Door opens]

- Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt.

Someone's white wife is here to pick them up.

[All murmuring]

- Was her name Emily?

- Uh, she was white. - Okay.

[Soul music]

Does anybody here enjoy athletics and sports?

[Cheers and applause]

Something that we find very interesting

is that sometimes the celebrations

after somebody has done something positive

in a sporting event are more violent

than the sport itself. - They're just...

They're so jacked up. - Why is that?

- Yeah! They're so amped up!

- They're crazy. They're just...

- Dudes get amped up! - We did that, man.

- We won that! - We done... yeah.

- We won that! - Yeah, we did.

- We won that, son! - We did that stuff, boy.

- What? What? - We did it, son.

We won that, son! - We won that!

They thought we couldn't do it, but we could do it!

- We did it! We did it! - We did it!

- We did it, son! - We did it, yeah!

- We did it, man!

[Both yelling]

- Come on, man. We did it!

We did it! - We did it.

- Silence it. We did it.

We did it.

We did it. Oh.

We did it.

[Cheering and indistinct chatter]

[Laughs] Oh, yeah!

Good victory, guys! Good victory!

Hey, hey, come on, good game! Slap-ass, man!

Hey, good game!

Get some slap-ass! [Laughs]

Yeah, guys! Yes, man!

Good game! Slap-ass!

[Laughs]

Hey, who's next? Who...

Hey, Garcia! Come on, man, get you some.

Come on, let's get some slap-ass over here.

- No!

- What? Why... why not?

- I said no, Rafi.

- He's had enough, Rafi.

We've all had enough.

- Enough of what?

- Enough of the damn ass-slapping, Rafi.

- Graclas.

- The fucking slap-ass?

- S?, yes. S?. - Mm-hmm.

- [Laughs]

Guys, who fucking cares how much I slap ass?

So what? I slap ass!

No big deal, man. I'm a fucking baseball player.

That's what we do. We fucking hit home runs

and fucking slap ass. Come on, huh?

- Rafi, that's not how we all see baseball.

- Everybody does it. All the teams slap ass, man.

You... You slap ass, Garcia!

- Like, a couple of times a game.

- [Laughs]

What? So what, man?

Why the fuck you counting, man?

Who knows how many times I slap ass or how many...

- 427 times.

- Okay, time flies when you're having fun, man. What...

- Our families come to these games, Rafi.

My son is always asking me

why I'm letting this man touch my butt so many times.

- And you say "slap-ass" every time.

- Every time!

- Okay, hold on one second.

Let's go to the time-out.

I'm from the Dominican Republic, okay?

All I know, since I was a little kid,

is to catch fly balls and to say "slap-ass"

every single time I fucking slap ass!

- This is the Major Leagues, Rafi.

We are all from the Dominican Republic.

Nobody here has ever heard anyone say "slap-ass"

before you.

- Quit playing, man. Come on, get your slap-ass.

All: Rafi! - Rafi, enough! Okay?

[Gentle music]

- I'm... [sighs]

Okay.

You're right.

I know you're right about it.

I have a problem, okay?

I know that.

And I decide to stop right now.

- Bueno.

- [Sighs] - Graclas.

- Right after I get that Garcia slap-ass.

Come on. All: Hey!

- What? - No, Rafi!

- Hey, come on, eh?

I'm fine, all right? Fine, I get it.

- [Sighs]

[All grunting] - Get up out of here!

- Come on! - Get out of the locker room!

You get out of the locker room!

- You're the only slap-ass that matters, Garcia!

- You are not getting a slap-ass!

- Hey, Garcia, man, can I talk to you for a second?

- Oh. - Hold up.

- Hey, Rafi, what's up?

- Oh, man, I just talked to the manager, man.

He says he's going to trade me, man.

I mean, what the hell, you know? I got kids too, right?

- Yeah, well, we all told you what was going to happen

if you... - Hey.

[Breathing heavily]

I really could use that one slap-ass, man.

- Rafi. - Come on, man.

Just one slap-ass, you know? Just one...

Just for old times' sake, you know?

Get me back on my feet. I really...

Just one for the road, man. I could really use it.

[Breathing heavily]

Okay, okay.

Good game! Slap-ass! [Loud smack]

[Sighs]

- I got to get home to my kids. - Okay.

Oh.

Garcia, man.

I'll suck your dick if you let me slap your ass again.

- No! - [Groans]

Garcia, I'll suck your dick.

[Groaning]

Ohh, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass,

slap-ass, slap-ass, ahh.

[Soul music]

[Upbeat music]

- Welcome to Metta World News.

In fashion, if you woke up

and there was a 4-inch miniature human

standing on your chest, would you swat them off?

I was really challenged by this question.

I would hope that I'd engage them in conversation.

But in reality, I think I'd be scared of them

and swat them away, which would probably kill them.

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

for this Wednesday, October noise-canceling octagon tire.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

Did I fulfill my contract, Satan?

[Cheers and applause]

- We love you. - Thank you.

Hey, it was a good show, man. - It was a good show!

- We won that show, dog! - Yeah, we did!

- We won that show, baby! - Yeah, we did!

- We won that show! - What?

Both: We won that show! - Come on, son.

- We won the show! - Come on, son.

- We won the show! Bye, bye, bye, bye!

We won the show! - [Growling]

[Both grunting]

- Aah!

[Cheers and applause]

- I'm gonna do my one line here

- Oh, yeah.

- We would have been horrible slaves.

- Oh, yeah. Well, we...

- Terrible slaves. - Well, we... we're...

- Because we're wimps.

- We are wimps. I can't...

Dude, I can't... Pick cotton? I can't pick a sweater.

- Right, yeah. Ripped By mstoll

Resync BluRay by LeRalouf

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0