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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:06,261 - [Clears throat] 2 00:00:12,826 --> 00:00:13,930 Hey, buddy. - Hey, my dude. 3 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,632 What's going on, man? It's good to see... I'm sorry. 4 00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:17,034 I'm talking at the same time as you. 5 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:18,902 - Okay, go ahead. - You go ahead and talk. 6 00:00:19,155 --> 00:00:21,041 I'm sorry, go ahead. - No, it's all right. I... 7 00:00:21,125 --> 00:00:22,052 - [stammers] Ripped By mstoll 8 00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:24,207 - Go... - Are you talking right now? 9 00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:25,529 - Yeah, I'm trying to... 10 00:00:27,829 --> 00:00:29,232 - Go ahead. - All right, this is... 11 00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,623 - Go ahead. - Okay, go ahead. 12 00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:35,752 - Try to not... um... - I'm just... I'm gonna talk, 13 00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:37,321 and you just keep... okay. - No, it's you. 14 00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,288 - I'm sorry. - No, all right, I'll go... 15 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:40,590 - It's just that my Internet connection's a little weak. 16 00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:41,758 Ugh. - Gosh. 17 00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,271 - Are you talking right now? - I'm... no. 18 00:00:43,355 --> 00:00:44,761 - Are you talking right now? - I think... I can't tell 19 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:45,829 if it's a delay... - God damn it. 20 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:46,850 - Shit. - Okay. 21 00:00:49,082 --> 00:00:50,434 - You go first, and speak... - I'll talk, and then 22 00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:52,154 you start... - And then... no. 23 00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:56,106 Wait. What? - What's that? 24 00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,275 - Wait. What? 25 00:00:58,358 --> 00:00:59,743 Fuck! - God damn it! 26 00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:01,311 - I can't fucking believe this. Not today! 27 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,351 - You got to be kidding me! - Not fucking today! 28 00:01:03,435 --> 00:01:04,247 - Ridiculous! 29 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:06,249 - Got to have this conversation! 30 00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:08,518 Shit! - Okay, okay. 31 00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,687 - Okay, did the delay come back, or are you... did you catch up? 32 00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,422 - You know what? Let's just lay back, just calm. 33 00:01:12,505 --> 00:01:14,291 - You haven't fucking caught up, or we wouldn't be 34 00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:15,759 talking at the same time. - Wow. 35 00:01:16,053 --> 00:01:17,627 - God damn it! 36 00:01:17,896 --> 00:01:19,429 Okay, listen... okay, listen... - Okay, here's the thing... 37 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,031 - We got to stop trying to talk at the same time... 38 00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:22,265 - Let me just get... - And try to make... 39 00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:24,501 - Okay. - Or this conversation... 40 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,326 - All right, fine. - It's gonna just go on... 41 00:01:27,873 --> 00:01:29,373 forever. - I can't get out of it. 42 00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:31,108 - Okay, I can't... listen... - Then that's ridiculous, I'm... 43 00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:32,279 I'm... that... no. 44 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,679 - What a bunch of... God, help me, please! 45 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,047 - There's only one thing we can do, okay? 46 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,281 - I can't! - There's only one thing 47 00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:39,716 we can do. - No, listen to me! 48 00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:41,318 - Yeah, we got... - I don't know how to get 49 00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:42,986 out of this! - Well, then we got to end it. 50 00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:44,321 I got to end it. - I got to end this! 51 00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:45,889 - I can't... - I got to end this! 52 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:47,290 - I can't do it anymore! - I can't do it anymore. 53 00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:48,959 - Okay, fine! - I can't do it anymore! 54 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,615 - Then we're gonna end it. 55 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,462 Okay, we're gonna end... - I got to... 56 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,889 [crying] I can't do it. - Keegan? 57 00:01:56,404 --> 00:01:58,969 Keegan, I'm gonna end it. You're frozen. I can't tell... 58 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,904 We're gonna end it, okay? 59 00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,412 I just don't want you to be offended. 60 00:02:04,154 --> 00:02:06,631 Ending it, and... oh! 61 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:08,979 Oh, he really meant "end it." 62 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,982 [Soul music] 63 00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:20,063 64 00:02:24,376 --> 00:02:26,077 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 65 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,102 [cheers and applause] 66 00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:35,104 - Whoo! 67 00:02:35,187 --> 00:02:38,941 Hello! Mwah! 68 00:02:39,024 --> 00:02:42,211 Good evening. Hello. 69 00:02:42,294 --> 00:02:43,446 Hello. 70 00:02:43,529 --> 00:02:46,549 - Thank you. - Thank you. 71 00:02:46,632 --> 00:02:48,351 - Okay, okay. - Thank you so much. 72 00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:49,456 Thank you so much. 73 00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:51,292 I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele. 74 00:02:51,376 --> 00:02:52,994 - And we are Key and Peele. - We are Key and Peele. 75 00:02:53,078 --> 00:02:54,831 - Thank you. [Cheers and applause] 76 00:02:55,241 --> 00:02:57,160 - You guys see that movie Django Unchalned? 77 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,370 - Did you see that movie? All: Yeah! 78 00:02:58,454 --> 00:02:59,939 - Did you see it? Okay, mm-hmm. 79 00:03:00,045 --> 00:03:01,364 - That movie... I didn't want to like that, 80 00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:02,699 but that was good, though. That was good. 81 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,467 - [Laughs] - 'Cause I appreciate 82 00:03:04,550 --> 00:03:08,682 some historical, you know, relevance and some accuracy, 83 00:03:08,766 --> 00:03:10,706 and when he shot that bitch and she flew across the room... 84 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,408 - And she flew off the thing, yeah. 85 00:03:12,491 --> 00:03:14,177 - That's me. That's... - That was worth $12 86 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,432 right there, that one moment. 87 00:03:15,516 --> 00:03:17,362 - But Spike Lee had a problem. - Yes, he did. 88 00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:19,081 - Before the movie came out... - Before the movie came out, 89 00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:20,550 before he had seen it, he was like... 90 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,417 - He was like, "Yo, this is absolutely"... 91 00:03:23,501 --> 00:03:25,654 I'm like, "Get some coffee in your system, Spike, 92 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:28,589 'cause you've already lost my attention." 93 00:03:28,673 --> 00:03:30,392 He didn't like the N-word. - He didn't like 94 00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:32,662 the prolific use of the N-word. - Yeah. 95 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,479 - Which l... I'm trying to think, how do I describe it? 96 00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:37,849 The N-word... The use of the N-word in a movie 97 00:03:37,933 --> 00:03:41,420 that's set in slave times in the South in the 1850s. 98 00:03:41,754 --> 00:03:44,552 "Accurate" is how I would... 99 00:03:47,003 --> 00:03:49,589 - Well, all right, friends. 100 00:03:49,745 --> 00:03:52,198 The first fight of the evening will feature 101 00:03:52,281 --> 00:03:55,268 one of my slaves versus one of the slaves 102 00:03:55,351 --> 00:03:58,371 of my distinguished guest, Mr. Jacob Dixon. 103 00:03:58,454 --> 00:04:00,106 - [Chuckles] You know, Robert, 104 00:04:00,189 --> 00:04:03,843 I hope you're as gracious a loser as you are a host. 105 00:04:03,926 --> 00:04:05,745 [Laughter] 106 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:08,760 - All right, enough talk. [Snaps fingers] 107 00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:14,362 [Sighs] Now... 108 00:04:15,137 --> 00:04:17,390 Fight, you devils! Fight to the death! 109 00:04:17,801 --> 00:04:19,792 - [Chuckles] 110 00:04:26,282 --> 00:04:27,801 - Hey. - Hey. 111 00:04:27,884 --> 00:04:29,569 Um, question. - Mm-hmm? 112 00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:30,870 - [Chuckles] 113 00:04:30,953 --> 00:04:33,635 How do we get out of this thing alive? 114 00:04:33,719 --> 00:04:35,972 - It's really simple. Just let me pretend to kill you. 115 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:39,879 - Hmm, maybe it just makes more sense if I pretend to kill you. 116 00:04:40,775 --> 00:04:42,782 Yeah. - Yeah, I just... 117 00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:45,318 I want to make it believable, so... 118 00:04:45,401 --> 00:04:47,587 - Well, that's what I was... That's what I was going for too. 119 00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:49,055 [Cane thuds] - What the blazes 120 00:04:49,138 --> 00:04:51,426 is going on over there in that endless clinch? 121 00:04:51,510 --> 00:04:53,291 Tear him apart! 122 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,563 - Okay, let's... - Oh! You get... mm! 123 00:04:56,646 --> 00:05:00,137 [Both grunting dramatically] 124 00:05:00,221 --> 00:05:01,801 - So just... just die from this. 125 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:03,937 - From this? Um, just... - [grunts] 126 00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:06,573 - You know what? Just something doesn't feel right, 127 00:05:06,656 --> 00:05:07,941 so if I could just... if I just... 128 00:05:08,024 --> 00:05:09,409 let me... go with me here. - Okay. Oh. 129 00:05:09,492 --> 00:05:12,245 [Both growling] 130 00:05:12,328 --> 00:05:15,114 - Yep, that was it, that was it. This feels much more real. 131 00:05:15,197 --> 00:05:16,916 So... - Really? What? Why? 132 00:05:16,999 --> 00:05:18,585 - Um, sorry, what do you mean "why"? 133 00:05:18,783 --> 00:05:20,697 - Fight! My God! 134 00:05:23,353 --> 00:05:25,525 - Oh. - I-I'm getting frustrated now. 135 00:05:25,608 --> 00:05:27,541 - Damn it, kill! 136 00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:30,845 [Both grunting] 137 00:05:31,180 --> 00:05:32,298 - Nope, not a thing. Not a thing. 138 00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:33,633 - Nothing? Okay, let me just get... 139 00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:35,368 Mm, I'm gonna get him. I got him. 140 00:05:35,451 --> 00:05:36,769 - Let me get you, though. - Just let me get you, though. 141 00:05:36,852 --> 00:05:38,171 Both: No, let me get you. 142 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,139 - It was my idea, so can I do it first? 143 00:05:40,222 --> 00:05:42,470 Both: Let me get you... - Though, just for, like, a... 144 00:05:42,554 --> 00:05:43,912 Can you just let me get you for a second, please? 145 00:05:43,996 --> 00:05:45,074 - Let me get you! 146 00:05:45,158 --> 00:05:48,448 - Stop fighting like sissies and kill each other! 147 00:05:48,531 --> 00:05:50,383 - Okay. [Both grunting] 148 00:05:50,467 --> 00:05:51,541 - All right, so check this out. - Yeah, mm-hmm. 149 00:05:51,625 --> 00:05:52,943 - All right, we'll back up... 150 00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:55,355 - Mm-hmm. - And you run at me real fast, 151 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,390 just do a bunch of spins and kicks and flourishes, 152 00:05:57,473 --> 00:05:59,459 and I'll just knock you out, one punch, and then you're dead. 153 00:05:59,542 --> 00:06:00,994 - Okay. No, wait, wait, what? 154 00:06:01,077 --> 00:06:03,129 I'm sorry, so you can look cool? No, thank you. 155 00:06:03,212 --> 00:06:06,132 - If someone doesn't die soon, I will kill you both. 156 00:06:06,215 --> 00:06:07,133 - Thank you. 157 00:06:07,291 --> 00:06:09,802 - [Grunting] - Ohh! 158 00:06:09,885 --> 00:06:11,337 - Ah, that's my boy! 159 00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:14,474 - [Grunts] - Ohh! 160 00:06:14,557 --> 00:06:15,508 - [Grunts] Ah! 161 00:06:15,591 --> 00:06:17,410 - Aah! 162 00:06:17,493 --> 00:06:19,145 - You are not getting stronger from my punches. 163 00:06:19,228 --> 00:06:21,648 - Yes, I am, though! - Listen, come here. 164 00:06:21,731 --> 00:06:23,883 Listen. Listen, listen. 165 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,351 Let's be fair, okay? 166 00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:28,021 We both slam into each other, and we both die. 167 00:06:28,104 --> 00:06:29,314 Fair? 168 00:06:29,660 --> 00:06:30,822 - That's fair. - All right. 169 00:06:30,906 --> 00:06:32,659 [Both grunting] One! 170 00:06:32,742 --> 00:06:34,994 - This will be good. - Two! 171 00:06:35,213 --> 00:06:36,896 Both: Three! 172 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:38,994 [Grunting dramatically] 173 00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:41,568 - What? - Oh, you son of a bitch! 174 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,002 - What? You were never gonna fall. 175 00:06:43,085 --> 00:06:44,437 - You didn't even try to fall down. 176 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,773 - What the hell? - It's the fakest thing... 177 00:06:46,856 --> 00:06:48,608 How about that? - No. No, don't hit me. 178 00:06:48,691 --> 00:06:49,909 Oh, what's that? - Ow. 179 00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:51,010 - What in tarnation are you doing? 180 00:06:51,093 --> 00:06:52,178 - Come on, stop. 181 00:06:52,261 --> 00:06:53,379 Oh, you hit my balls. 182 00:06:53,462 --> 00:06:54,643 - Hey, everybody. 183 00:06:54,727 --> 00:06:56,072 War's over. 184 00:06:58,455 --> 00:07:00,268 Slavery is abolished. 185 00:07:01,470 --> 00:07:02,447 Sorry. 186 00:07:02,638 --> 00:07:03,947 - [Scoffs] 187 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,955 We'll call it a draw. - Done. 188 00:07:07,543 --> 00:07:09,346 - Good for you, though, huh? 189 00:07:10,446 --> 00:07:12,565 - Thank you? - Let's go. 190 00:07:12,648 --> 00:07:15,134 - Well, wait. Before you... No, no, no, no, no, hold up. 191 00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:17,470 - Just if... just if I may, who do you think 192 00:07:17,553 --> 00:07:19,939 would have won the fight? - Yeah, between the two of us? 193 00:07:21,424 --> 00:07:23,309 [Soul music] 194 00:07:23,392 --> 00:07:24,877 - We've had, on a couple of occasions, 195 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,447 like, I mean, real super-tough, 196 00:07:27,556 --> 00:07:31,541 like, tatted-up Mexican dudes walk up to us and go, 197 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,119 "Hey, homes. 198 00:07:35,071 --> 00:07:37,908 Like, you guys should make fun of us." 199 00:07:37,992 --> 00:07:41,045 [Laughter and applause] 200 00:07:41,343 --> 00:07:42,962 You know, the guy's, like... blink, 201 00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:46,633 he's got a K and a P tattooed here. 202 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,234 We're like, "No, it's okay." - "It's all right." 203 00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:49,636 - "It's all right." "No, you should do it. 204 00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,171 Like, make fun of us more." - "Nah." 205 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,840 - "Because you guys... you guys are leaving us out." 206 00:07:53,923 --> 00:07:56,342 - You can't... - "Like, don't leave us out. 207 00:07:56,425 --> 00:07:57,910 We're trying to have fun too, okay?" 208 00:07:57,993 --> 00:07:59,278 - Yeah. 209 00:07:59,361 --> 00:08:01,588 - "We're trying to have fun, ese." 210 00:08:01,831 --> 00:08:03,750 - That's some scary shit when their eyes get big. 211 00:08:03,833 --> 00:08:04,851 That's some scary shit. - "Hey." 212 00:08:04,934 --> 00:08:06,586 - No. 213 00:08:06,669 --> 00:08:08,321 I don't want none of that. 214 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:11,691 It's like, if you have human sacrifice in your DNA, 215 00:08:11,774 --> 00:08:14,299 I'm not gonna make fun of you. - [Laughs] 216 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,432 Okay, let's get this thing going. 217 00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:22,367 Everybody take a seat. 218 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,929 We got to have more meetings, homes, 219 00:08:25,244 --> 00:08:27,937 'cause I'm telling you, man, we got to get organized. 220 00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:30,009 [Sighs] 221 00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:33,084 [Sirens wailing in the distance] 222 00:08:40,703 --> 00:08:43,389 Carlito ain't got a seat, man. Someone get him a chair. 223 00:08:43,472 --> 00:08:44,857 - No, I'm cool. 224 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:47,527 - No, dude, get him a chair, homes. 225 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,070 - Nah, man. 226 00:08:50,836 --> 00:08:52,398 I'm gonna sit gangster. 227 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,168 - But, Carlito, it doesn't look like it's comfortable, man. 228 00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:56,820 Why don't you just sit in the chair? 229 00:08:57,820 --> 00:09:00,006 - I never sit in no chair, ese. 230 00:09:00,089 --> 00:09:01,391 Mm-mm. 231 00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:05,163 You never, ever gonna catch me sitting in no chairs. 232 00:09:05,728 --> 00:09:07,547 - Hey, ese, you know that that's loco, right? 233 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:08,915 - No, man. [Scoffs] 234 00:09:08,998 --> 00:09:10,383 - It's cool, Carlito. 235 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,051 No one's gonna think you're soft 236 00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,453 if you sit in a chair, homes. - Yeah, yeah. 237 00:09:13,537 --> 00:09:15,220 - We're all sitting in chairs. - Right. 238 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,359 - Bunch of bitch-ass culeros. 239 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,191 - Que? - I don't have no time 240 00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:21,148 to sit in no fucking chair. 241 00:09:22,984 --> 00:09:25,180 - Huh. Okay. 242 00:09:25,929 --> 00:09:27,492 Now that we're all here... 243 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,236 You know what? But why, though? 244 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:33,072 Like, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself up 245 00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:34,707 with a rule like that. 246 00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:37,577 - No, it's, like, limiting. - Yeah, limiting. 247 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:38,611 - Limiting. - I mean, sometimes, 248 00:09:38,694 --> 00:09:40,413 people sit in chairs. 249 00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:43,294 - Man, fuck all of you guys with your bitch-ass chairs. 250 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,282 - There. - [Scoffs] 251 00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:52,258 - Okay, Carlito, quit playing and sit in the chair, pendejo. 252 00:09:52,456 --> 00:09:54,041 - No. - Carlito, 253 00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:56,782 we have to have this meeting now, ese. Get up! 254 00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:58,631 - I'm good right here, man. 255 00:09:58,714 --> 00:10:00,399 - You know... - I'm chilling. 256 00:10:00,985 --> 00:10:02,635 Go ahead with your meeting. 257 00:10:02,842 --> 00:10:04,632 - Okay, but you know it's going to be weird. 258 00:10:05,432 --> 00:10:06,915 You don't care that it's going to be weird? 259 00:10:07,022 --> 00:10:08,141 - Weird for you, maybe. 260 00:10:08,224 --> 00:10:10,008 - He doesn't care. Okay. 261 00:10:10,899 --> 00:10:13,780 Okay, homies, so this is what we have to do. 262 00:10:13,993 --> 00:10:15,448 Like, we got to sell more drugs... 263 00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:16,783 - [groaning] - And we got to make 264 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,151 more crimes happen. 265 00:10:18,586 --> 00:10:20,711 Roberto, where are we... - [groaning] 266 00:10:21,170 --> 00:10:23,289 - Carlito, you're bleeding, ese! 267 00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:25,958 - [Grunts] Who cares, man? 268 00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:28,979 [Winces] 269 00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,464 - Yo, whoa! You just got shanked, man! 270 00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:33,401 We got to pull that out! - Leave it! 271 00:10:33,849 --> 00:10:35,588 I'm chilling, homes. 272 00:10:36,122 --> 00:10:38,721 I don't care about that stupid shank. 273 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,974 [Groaning] 274 00:10:42,057 --> 00:10:43,176 [Exhales sharply] 275 00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:44,276 - Carlito. 276 00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:47,013 Carlito, wake up, man! 277 00:10:47,096 --> 00:10:48,614 [Overlapping chatter] 278 00:10:48,697 --> 00:10:49,940 Carlito! 279 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,318 - Hey, don't even bother, ese. 280 00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,786 - [Screams] 281 00:10:53,869 --> 00:10:55,244 Oh, Dios m?o! 282 00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:57,494 - I don't need those defibrillators. 283 00:10:58,243 --> 00:11:00,395 I don't even want to come back to life, homes. 284 00:11:00,509 --> 00:11:02,495 - Carlito... - Clear! 285 00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:03,930 - Go back into your body. 286 00:11:04,013 --> 00:11:06,833 - My body's stupid, homes. - What? 287 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,276 - I'm fine right here on the spirit plane. 288 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,244 Life is for pussies. 289 00:11:11,787 --> 00:11:14,549 [Heavenly singing] 290 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:17,502 - Oh, my... Carlito. 291 00:11:18,222 --> 00:11:19,707 Carlito, go to the light. 292 00:11:19,836 --> 00:11:21,421 - Nah, I'm good, man. 293 00:11:21,505 --> 00:11:23,091 - Carlito, that's Heaven, man. 294 00:11:23,175 --> 00:11:24,827 - I don't need to go to Heaven, homes. 295 00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:27,565 Heaven is for pussies. - Oh, boy. 296 00:11:29,471 --> 00:11:32,859 - Hello, and welcome to the fifth annual meeting 297 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,861 of the Tallahassee Black Republicans. 298 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,713 Now, I'm pissed! All: Mm-hmm. 299 00:11:36,979 --> 00:11:38,898 - Royally pissed! All: Mm-hmm. 300 00:11:38,981 --> 00:11:43,252 - Last November, Barack Obama was reelected president, 301 00:11:43,986 --> 00:11:46,873 and the black vote went almost entirely to him! 302 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,407 [Crowd murmuring] - Dagnabbit. 303 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:52,156 - We're not getting our message out, obviously. 304 00:11:53,085 --> 00:11:55,715 The Republican party is and should be 305 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,171 the only home for black voters. - Yes, yes, sir. 306 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,739 - Now, people think that black voters are a monolith. 307 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,153 [Scoffs] We're not a monolith. 308 00:12:04,237 --> 00:12:05,558 - What? - No, we're not. 309 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,426 - In fact, black Republicans alone 310 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,328 are an extremely diverse group of people. 311 00:12:09,411 --> 00:12:11,063 All: Mm-hmm. 312 00:12:11,146 --> 00:12:12,765 - Now, to speak more on diversity, 313 00:12:12,848 --> 00:12:16,215 I present tonight's speaker... 314 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:18,437 Mr. Douglas Jackson. 315 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,512 [Applause] 316 00:12:29,598 --> 00:12:32,852 [Applause ends abruptly] 317 00:12:32,935 --> 00:12:34,387 - Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I'm pissed! 318 00:12:34,470 --> 00:12:35,388 All: Mm-hmm. 319 00:12:35,471 --> 00:12:37,360 - I'm royally pissed. All: Mm-hmm. 320 00:12:37,773 --> 00:12:40,634 - The liberal media thinks that Republicanism 321 00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:42,595 is not for black people. All: Mm. 322 00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:45,501 - Now, you tell me, what about fiscal responsibility, 323 00:12:45,981 --> 00:12:48,734 a strong national defense, and a limited government 324 00:12:48,817 --> 00:12:51,079 is unappealing to black people? 325 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,259 We're not a monolith! All: Mm-hmm. 326 00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:55,975 - We come in all different shapes and sizes. 327 00:12:56,058 --> 00:12:57,532 - Yes, we do. All: Mm-hmm. 328 00:12:57,726 --> 00:12:59,645 - Now, who here would like to come up to this podium 329 00:12:59,728 --> 00:13:02,381 and speak about the diversity amongst black Republicans? 330 00:13:02,464 --> 00:13:03,795 - [Clears throat] 331 00:13:04,998 --> 00:13:05,885 - Oh. [Chuckles] 332 00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:07,320 Gentlemen, we have a real treat today, 333 00:13:07,403 --> 00:13:09,748 a gentleman who is a little bit eccentric, 334 00:13:10,205 --> 00:13:13,201 a little bit outside of the box, if you will, 335 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,429 but I can't think of a better person to speak 336 00:13:16,512 --> 00:13:18,631 on diversity amongst black Republicans 337 00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:19,999 than this gentleman right here. 338 00:13:20,082 --> 00:13:21,734 All the way from Orlando, my good friend 339 00:13:21,817 --> 00:13:23,446 Arthur Washington, ladies and gentlemen! 340 00:13:23,530 --> 00:13:27,640 [Applause] 341 00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,008 It's good to see you. It's good to see you. 342 00:13:29,091 --> 00:13:31,143 Good to see you, man. 343 00:13:31,226 --> 00:13:33,612 [Applause] 344 00:13:33,695 --> 00:13:34,914 [Applause ends abruptly] 345 00:13:34,997 --> 00:13:36,811 - Thank you for the introduction, brother Douglas. 346 00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:39,030 - Thank you for being here, brother Arthur. 347 00:13:40,169 --> 00:13:42,854 - However, I am pissed. 348 00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:43,923 [Crowd murmuring agreement] 349 00:13:44,006 --> 00:13:45,490 Royally pissed. 350 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:46,859 - Indeed, indeed! - All right. 351 00:13:46,942 --> 00:13:48,427 - Democrats think they have the right 352 00:13:48,510 --> 00:13:51,330 to all the black people, but that is not the case. 353 00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,699 We are not a monolith. [Crowd murmuring agreement] 354 00:13:53,782 --> 00:13:57,870 Democrats may be cool, but they ain't practical. 355 00:13:57,953 --> 00:13:59,038 - There you go. All: Mm-hmm. 356 00:13:59,121 --> 00:14:01,007 - Republicans are practical. 357 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,876 Black people are practical! 358 00:14:04,256 --> 00:14:06,612 Come to think of it... - Get those pants. 359 00:14:06,695 --> 00:14:09,048 - I think black Republicans are pretty cool. 360 00:14:09,131 --> 00:14:10,316 - So do I. So hear, hear, hear, hear. 361 00:14:10,399 --> 00:14:11,884 - Not to mention very diverse. 362 00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,414 - There we go. Mm-hmm. [Door opens] 363 00:14:13,498 --> 00:14:15,855 - Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt. 364 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:18,691 Someone's white wife is here to pick them up. 365 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:22,055 [All murmuring] 366 00:14:22,139 --> 00:14:23,529 - Was her name Emily? 367 00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:25,477 - Uh, she was white. - Okay. 368 00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,335 [Soul music] 369 00:14:29,418 --> 00:14:31,337 Does anybody here enjoy athletics and sports? 370 00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:32,671 [Cheers and applause] 371 00:14:32,754 --> 00:14:34,974 Something that we find very interesting 372 00:14:35,057 --> 00:14:36,409 is that sometimes the celebrations 373 00:14:36,492 --> 00:14:37,877 after somebody has done something positive 374 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,311 in a sporting event are more violent 375 00:14:39,394 --> 00:14:40,713 than the sport itself. - They're just... 376 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:42,248 They're so jacked up. - Why is that? 377 00:14:42,331 --> 00:14:44,050 - Yeah! They're so amped up! 378 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,418 - They're crazy. They're just... 379 00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:46,585 - Dudes get amped up! - We did that, man. 380 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:47,720 - We won that! - We done... yeah. 381 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:49,255 - We won that! - Yeah, we did. 382 00:14:49,338 --> 00:14:50,523 - We won that, son! - We did that stuff, boy. 383 00:14:50,606 --> 00:14:51,757 - What? What? - We did it, son. 384 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,426 We won that, son! - We won that! 385 00:14:53,509 --> 00:14:54,693 They thought we couldn't do it, but we could do it! 386 00:14:54,776 --> 00:14:56,529 - We did it! We did it! - We did it! 387 00:14:56,612 --> 00:14:58,197 - We did it, son! - We did it, yeah! 388 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,266 - We did it, man! 389 00:15:00,349 --> 00:15:02,034 [Both yelling] 390 00:15:02,117 --> 00:15:03,869 - Come on, man. We did it! 391 00:15:03,952 --> 00:15:05,771 We did it! - We did it. 392 00:15:05,854 --> 00:15:09,008 - Silence it. We did it. 393 00:15:09,091 --> 00:15:11,101 We did it. 394 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,523 We did it. Oh. 395 00:15:13,629 --> 00:15:16,215 We did it. 396 00:15:16,298 --> 00:15:19,718 [Cheering and indistinct chatter] 397 00:15:19,801 --> 00:15:22,221 [Laughs] Oh, yeah! 398 00:15:22,304 --> 00:15:24,557 Good victory, guys! Good victory! 399 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,759 Hey, hey, come on, good game! Slap-ass, man! 400 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:27,793 Hey, good game! 401 00:15:27,876 --> 00:15:30,229 Get some slap-ass! [Laughs] 402 00:15:30,312 --> 00:15:32,431 Yeah, guys! Yes, man! 403 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,067 Good game! Slap-ass! 404 00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:36,702 [Laughs] 405 00:15:36,785 --> 00:15:38,651 Hey, who's next? Who... 406 00:15:38,735 --> 00:15:41,474 Hey, Garcia! Come on, man, get you some. 407 00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:43,242 Come on, let's get some slap-ass over here. 408 00:15:43,325 --> 00:15:44,627 - No! 409 00:15:45,460 --> 00:15:46,854 - What? Why... why not? 410 00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:50,619 - I said no, Rafi. 411 00:15:50,703 --> 00:15:52,049 - He's had enough, Rafi. 412 00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:54,455 We've all had enough. 413 00:15:55,671 --> 00:15:57,123 - Enough of what? 414 00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:59,448 - Enough of the damn ass-slapping, Rafi. 415 00:15:59,641 --> 00:16:00,893 - Graclas. 416 00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,130 - The fucking slap-ass? 417 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:05,564 - S?, yes. S?. - Mm-hmm. 418 00:16:05,647 --> 00:16:06,924 - [Laughs] 419 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:10,402 Guys, who fucking cares how much I slap ass? 420 00:16:10,485 --> 00:16:12,104 So what? I slap ass! 421 00:16:12,187 --> 00:16:15,441 No big deal, man. I'm a fucking baseball player. 422 00:16:15,524 --> 00:16:18,277 That's what we do. We fucking hit home runs 423 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,180 and fucking slap ass. Come on, huh? 424 00:16:21,263 --> 00:16:23,917 - Rafi, that's not how we all see baseball. 425 00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:27,620 - Everybody does it. All the teams slap ass, man. 426 00:16:27,703 --> 00:16:30,022 You... You slap ass, Garcia! 427 00:16:30,105 --> 00:16:31,790 - Like, a couple of times a game. 428 00:16:31,873 --> 00:16:33,537 - [Laughs] 429 00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,161 What? So what, man? 430 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:36,829 Why the fuck you counting, man? 431 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,998 Who knows how many times I slap ass or how many... 432 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,138 - 427 times. 433 00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:47,185 - Okay, time flies when you're having fun, man. What... 434 00:16:47,269 --> 00:16:50,037 - Our families come to these games, Rafi. 435 00:16:50,626 --> 00:16:52,444 My son is always asking me 436 00:16:52,527 --> 00:16:54,947 why I'm letting this man touch my butt so many times. 437 00:16:55,030 --> 00:16:57,685 - And you say "slap-ass" every time. 438 00:16:57,769 --> 00:16:59,188 - Every time! 439 00:16:59,272 --> 00:17:00,857 - Okay, hold on one second. 440 00:17:00,941 --> 00:17:02,631 Let's go to the time-out. 441 00:17:03,598 --> 00:17:07,052 I'm from the Dominican Republic, okay? 442 00:17:07,136 --> 00:17:11,257 All I know, since I was a little kid, 443 00:17:11,417 --> 00:17:14,137 is to catch fly balls and to say "slap-ass" 444 00:17:14,221 --> 00:17:17,141 every single time I fucking slap ass! 445 00:17:17,225 --> 00:17:18,875 - This is the Major Leagues, Rafi. 446 00:17:18,959 --> 00:17:21,005 We are all from the Dominican Republic. 447 00:17:21,381 --> 00:17:25,912 Nobody here has ever heard anyone say "slap-ass" 448 00:17:26,261 --> 00:17:27,412 before you. 449 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,316 - Quit playing, man. Come on, get your slap-ass. 450 00:17:30,399 --> 00:17:32,993 All: Rafi! - Rafi, enough! Okay? 451 00:17:34,670 --> 00:17:38,424 [Gentle music] 452 00:17:38,507 --> 00:17:42,061 - I'm... [sighs] 453 00:17:42,639 --> 00:17:44,053 Okay. 454 00:17:45,853 --> 00:17:47,238 You're right. 455 00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,951 I know you're right about it. 456 00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,842 I have a problem, okay? 457 00:17:55,386 --> 00:17:57,053 I know that. 458 00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:01,019 And I decide to stop right now. 459 00:18:01,196 --> 00:18:02,491 - Bueno. 460 00:18:03,236 --> 00:18:04,905 - [Sighs] - Graclas. 461 00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:06,785 - Right after I get that Garcia slap-ass. 462 00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,387 Come on. All: Hey! 463 00:18:08,470 --> 00:18:09,537 - What? - No, Rafi! 464 00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,373 - Hey, come on, eh? 465 00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:13,834 I'm fine, all right? Fine, I get it. 466 00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:16,592 - [Sighs] 467 00:18:17,379 --> 00:18:18,931 [All grunting] - Get up out of here! 468 00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:20,232 - Come on! - Get out of the locker room! 469 00:18:20,315 --> 00:18:21,900 You get out of the locker room! 470 00:18:21,983 --> 00:18:24,139 - You're the only slap-ass that matters, Garcia! 471 00:18:24,223 --> 00:18:26,657 - You are not getting a slap-ass! 472 00:18:29,157 --> 00:18:31,961 - Hey, Garcia, man, can I talk to you for a second? 473 00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:33,479 - Oh. - Hold up. 474 00:18:33,562 --> 00:18:35,194 - Hey, Rafi, what's up? 475 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:39,194 - Oh, man, I just talked to the manager, man. 476 00:18:39,483 --> 00:18:41,420 He says he's going to trade me, man. 477 00:18:41,503 --> 00:18:45,076 I mean, what the hell, you know? I got kids too, right? 478 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,991 - Yeah, well, we all told you what was going to happen 479 00:18:47,075 --> 00:18:48,256 if you... - Hey. 480 00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:51,330 [Breathing heavily] 481 00:18:51,413 --> 00:18:53,732 I really could use that one slap-ass, man. 482 00:18:53,815 --> 00:18:55,991 - Rafi. - Come on, man. 483 00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:59,772 Just one slap-ass, you know? Just one... 484 00:18:59,855 --> 00:19:02,728 Just for old times' sake, you know? 485 00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,638 Get me back on my feet. I really... 486 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:08,861 Just one for the road, man. I could really use it. 487 00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,890 [Breathing heavily] 488 00:19:16,338 --> 00:19:18,171 Okay, okay. 489 00:19:21,109 --> 00:19:22,929 Good game! Slap-ass! [Loud smack] 490 00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,131 [Sighs] 491 00:19:26,214 --> 00:19:28,593 - I got to get home to my kids. - Okay. 492 00:19:29,165 --> 00:19:30,475 Oh. 493 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,460 Garcia, man. 494 00:19:33,622 --> 00:19:35,974 I'll suck your dick if you let me slap your ass again. 495 00:19:36,057 --> 00:19:37,960 - No! - [Groans] 496 00:19:39,394 --> 00:19:41,814 Garcia, I'll suck your dick. 497 00:19:41,897 --> 00:19:44,600 [Groaning] 498 00:19:45,397 --> 00:19:48,250 Ohh, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, 499 00:19:48,334 --> 00:19:50,600 slap-ass, slap-ass, ahh. 500 00:19:53,481 --> 00:19:55,461 [Soul music] 501 00:19:55,544 --> 00:19:59,546 [Upbeat music] 502 00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:01,216 - Welcome to Metta World News. 503 00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,201 In fashion, if you woke up 504 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:04,876 and there was a 4-inch miniature human 505 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,484 standing on your chest, would you swat them off? 506 00:20:07,568 --> 00:20:09,654 I was really challenged by this question. 507 00:20:09,805 --> 00:20:12,492 I would hope that I'd engage them in conversation. 508 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:16,347 But in reality, I think I'd be scared of them 509 00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:18,976 and swat them away, which would probably kill them. 510 00:20:19,859 --> 00:20:21,487 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 511 00:20:21,570 --> 00:20:24,617 for this Wednesday, October noise-canceling octagon tire. 512 00:20:24,816 --> 00:20:27,710 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 513 00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,281 Did I fulfill my contract, Satan? 514 00:20:31,947 --> 00:20:33,165 [Cheers and applause] 515 00:20:33,248 --> 00:20:36,869 - We love you. - Thank you. 516 00:20:36,952 --> 00:20:38,210 Hey, it was a good show, man. - It was a good show! 517 00:20:38,294 --> 00:20:39,704 - We won that show, dog! - Yeah, we did! 518 00:20:39,788 --> 00:20:40,773 - We won that show, baby! - Yeah, we did! 519 00:20:40,856 --> 00:20:42,040 - We won that show! - What? 520 00:20:42,123 --> 00:20:43,909 Both: We won that show! - Come on, son. 521 00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:45,277 - We won the show! - Come on, son. 522 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:46,545 - We won the show! Bye, bye, bye, bye! 523 00:20:46,628 --> 00:20:48,547 We won the show! - [Growling] 524 00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:52,384 [Both grunting] 525 00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:53,719 - Aah! 526 00:20:53,802 --> 00:20:57,623 [Cheers and applause] 527 00:20:57,706 --> 00:21:00,692 - I'm gonna do my one line here 528 00:21:00,775 --> 00:21:03,107 - Oh, yeah. 529 00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:06,757 - We would have been horrible slaves. 530 00:21:06,841 --> 00:21:08,333 - Oh, yeah. Well, we... 531 00:21:08,416 --> 00:21:10,572 - Terrible slaves. - Well, we... we're... 532 00:21:10,656 --> 00:21:11,975 - Because we're wimps. 533 00:21:12,059 --> 00:21:14,595 - We are wimps. I can't... 534 00:21:14,679 --> 00:21:17,205 Dude, I can't... Pick cotton? I can't pick a sweater. 535 00:21:17,289 --> 00:21:19,578 - Right, yeah. Ripped By mstoll 536 00:21:19,625 --> 00:21:20,632 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 537 00:21:20,682 --> 00:21:25,232 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39166

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