Original subtitles

[Overlapping arguing] - No, but I don't care.

- And I'm trying to help people out over here.

- No, no, okay, you know what, Jaqueline?

- No, I don't know. What?

- You need to think about yourself sometimes

before you start insinuating yourself

in other people's business.

- Well, you know what, Deenyce? Ripped By mstoll

I'm gonna insinuate myself whenever and wherever I please,

'cause it's a free country, bitch.

All: Ooh.

- Uh-uh. - Uh-huh.

- Uh-uh. - Uh-huh.

- Uh-uh. Okay. You know what?

- Oh, we doing this? Okay. So we gonna do it here, baby.

- Yeah, we are about to fight now.

- Bring it on, then, bitch. Let's go.

- I ain't even playing, 'cause you know what?

Step to me then, go ahead. - I wish you would...

- Step to me. - Step up to me...

- No, I would love for you to step to me,

I really would. - Right now, bitch.

But you're just talking. That's the problem.

- I don't even care no more.

- And you're talking now, and that's all you're doing.

- Call me a bitch again. - Oh, yeah?

- Call me a bitch again. - Okay.

- No, see what happens? - Your wish is granted.

- See what happens? I would like to see what happens.

I would love to see what happens.

- Oh, you do? - Oh, absolutely.

So why don't you come and bring it, then, bitch?

All: Oh! - Mm-mm. See, no.

You are riding my last nerve.

And I ain't even playing no more.

I am not even playing no more.

- Oh, it's on? Then let's do something, okay?

You wanna go?

All: Ooh. - Do something, bitch.

- Uh-uh.

- Huh? There we go.

Let's do something.

- Uh-uh.

- Uh-huh. - Uh-uh.

- It's uh-huh. It's uh-huh.

- Uh-uh.

- Let's do something, bitch.

- What?

[Dramatic music]

All: Oh.

Both: We told you not to mess with us, bitch!

- Y'all just saw that bitch turn into two little girls, right?

[Soul music]

Resync BluRay by LeRalouf

[cheers and applause]

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah. Oh. [Laughs]

- All right. - Thank you.

Thanks for being here, guys.

I'm Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele.

- And we're Key and Peele. Thank you for coming.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right, well, do you guys know The Super Bowl Shuffle?

You remember that? Some of...

- You weren't born in 1985. Right, exactly.

- Right, it was the '85 Bears. - Mm-hmm.

- Put out this rap video,

just saying how much badasses they were.

- How bad... how badass they were.

- No athlete has ever been able to rap and it sounds good.

It just doesn't happen. - Right.

- There's something about multiple concussions

that just doesn't...

isn't conducive to rhyming well.

- You don't just get to put on the headphones and go,

"Yeah, I gotta live it, s-so I can give it."

- Nope.

We gotta take it from the top

'cause you messed up the line, man.

- Yeah, okay. - Live it, do it.

That's your only line.

- All right. Mm-hmm. - Ready? Go.

- We got do it and...

- No, no. - Gravitate toward it.

- You already... why are you adding "gravitate"?

- Okay. Mm-hmm. - Toquavius...

- Yes, yes. - Can you just say four words?

- Mm-hmm. - And then we're gonna be good?

- Four words! - No, this is just...

Hey, J'Dinkalage?

- Yeah, L'Carpetron?

- Check out Leoz.

I wonder what he's dreaming about.

- He is probably dreaming about what we is gonna do

to the team from the West.

- I wonder.

[Dreamy music]

['80s hip-hop music]

- T'Variusness

T King for short

I'm a bad mamma jamma

And an awful sport

- Smoochie-Wallace

You can call me Tyroil

Wrapping up rushes like aluminum foil

- McCringleberry, I'm very scary

If I got the ball, you best be wary

- L'Carpetron Dookmarriot

I love the ball so much, I wanna marry it

All:

'Cause the Eastern school's

Gonna beat the fools from the West

- Oh, yeah.

All:

Where football's concerned

We gonna show you that we are the best

- We are the best

- I'm lbrahim Moizoos

And my rhymes are clean like my name was Dr. Seuss

- Probincrux III, they call me "The Probe"

I can intercept balls with my earlobe

- Shower-Handel, that's my name

Power candle sounds the same

- With Jackmerius, D'squarius

And Javarison-Lamar

Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and

- D'Marcus plays guitar

All:

'Cause the Eastern school's

Gonna beat the fools from the West

- Okay

Don't you know

All:

Where football's concerned

We gonna show you that we are the best

- Indeedy, we are the best

[gasps]

It must have been all a dream.

[Gasps]

Or was it?

- Oh, it's on.

[Hip-hop music]

- What's up, y'all? It's Jefferspin

I'm the big left tackle, gonna help us win

- X-Wing @Aliciousness

I'll use my force to give the East distress

- L'Goodling-Splatt is where it's at

Running through defenders and padding my stats

- Y'all know me, I'm Washingbeard

Catch so many balls, it's a little weird

All: 'Cause you know we gonna win against the East

- Listen what we said

All:

We gonna get the most points

And they gonna get the least

- Just trying to calm the voices running through my head

- Back it up, it's Hardunkichud

I hit the QB and make a noise like thud

- Can't block me and all of that jazz

'Cause y'all don't want none of this Ozamataz

The player...

T.J. A.J.

Formerly known...

- [screeches]

[Construction noises]

Lewith

- As Mousecop

And Donkey Teeth

I'm the touchdown man

That's Grundelplith

But y'all ain't ready

For my man Dan Smith

- Yo, yo, Smith, Daniel

Other kickers in the league don't hold a candle

Cheerleaders up on my jock and crotch

Those Goddamn baby cocker spaniel

B YU, why you be mad

'Cause the bitches wanna get with me?

Got Swisher Sweets and Dutchies

Rolling 'em, so my team can touch these

Hitting field goals blunted, been drunk when I punted

Been, like, a hundred times that I already done it

Oh, shit, see, these haters thought I was playing

Staying away from my face

With all the bullshit they saying

But just remember who you taunting

When you tossing those gauntlets

I'm Dan Smith, and the West is getting rowdy like monsters

[all cheer]

[Soul music]

- Question for you.

Why do black people love Mafia stuff so much?

We do, right?

- Goodfellas, Godfather. - Godfather.

- Godfather II, God...

Mm, on the third one, but...

- We are very tolerant, considering that Mafia...

mobsters are the most racist people in America.

- Hands down. - Right?

- They say the N-word more than we do.

- Yeah, it's crazy.

- I mean, if you date a mobster's sister,

you will wake up with that bitch's head in your bed.

- That's right. - [Screams]

- They're like

the most cold-blooded people in the world.

- They just don't give a fuck.

- They don't. That's their motto.

"I clearly don't care." - You laugh,

but we're gonna get shot after we walk off the stage.

- I'm telling you, Vinny,

no disrespect to your dearly departed grandmother,

but my aunt makes a pasta... forget about it.

- Your aunt lives in this neighborhood?

Seems kind of dangerous.

- What are you, McGruff the Crime Dog?

Come on, we're late already.

- Hey, you... you say she lives in this house here?

- What the fuck's the matter with you, Vinny?

You're being rude. Let's go.

- I'm not trying to be rude. It's...

The lights are off.

Maybe we... Let's come back later. Y...

- Hey, she's probably just taking a nap

after the huge meal she just made for us.

Go in.

- I don't have a key. You should go in first.

- Oh, maron, she said she'd leave it open.

Vinny, stop being such a strunz

and get in there.

- All right, all right.

[Italian opera music]

- Surprise.

No, I'm good, man.

- You hungry?

- Sure, I could eat. Yeah, man.

Um, what you want?

Pizza? Chinese?

- [Clicks tongue]

Kill that noise, man.

I got a ratatouille.

- Oh, fuck!

That's a rat, dude.

- No, it ain't.

That's a ratatouille, yo.

Hey, Ratatouille, go make my man a sandwich.

Yeah, show him what you got.

[Rat squeaking]

[Rat scampering away]

[Kitchen utensils clattering]

- What the fuck, son? You got a rat up in your house?

What this mean?

- I don't know what to say, man.

I got a ratatouille, man.

He a chef just like in all them movies, man.

- No, no r... hey.

There's only... [sighs]

There's only one movie, Levi, all right?

And he's not a ratatouille.

He's a rat, and his name is Remy.

- Potato, potato. - Potato, p...

- I gots myself a ratatouille.

That's all I know.

Order up.

- Damn! Come on, Levi!

- Voil?.�.

- Levi, look at this thing, man.

You see it got bite marks all over it.

- Any good chef has to taste his creation.

- That's rat shit on the sandwich.

- He did make a sandwich, though.

- Oh, hell, no. I'm out.

My dude, you need help.

[Door closes]

[Rat squeaking]

Oh, well, Ratatouille, another negative review.

Maybe you want it, Charlotte's Web.

[Soul music]

Has anybody been racially profiled here?

[Crowd shouting agreement] - Yes.

- Really? - Yes. Yes!

- That's why we have the glasses on, right?

No, I'm good. I'm one of the nerdy ones here.

Right here.

- Carry on. Carry on.

- Being a black man, it is scary, man.

We can get thrown away for just no reason.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Just be like, I did what to who?

Like, d... but seriously now, what?

What are the charges?

- What did they get you for? - I don't know.

They asked me to come down to the station.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

- I was just... - I came.

I'm a fucking idiot. - I know.

Yeah.

- Are you... is there any Muslim-Americans in the...

[crowd cheers]

- There we go. All right. We're very pleased...

- You guys have it the worst right now, though, right?

They'll just look at your name and see it's [gibberish].

"All right. Fuck, you go."

Look, Rajid,

I'm gonna make this really nice and easy for you.

I need names, and you're gonna give 'em to me.

- You have to listen to me.

You have to listen to me.

This is all a huge mistake.

- Bullshit!

Department of Homeland Security's

been monitoring your calls for weeks, Rajid.

We got you.

We know about you and your friends.

We know that you're a...

- Terrierist.

I am a terrierist.

We... me and my friends, we breed dogs,

specifically terriers.

We write terrierist fiction.

W-we spend a good deal of time

discussing possible future terrierist plots...

[groans]

- Hmm. That's a nice try.

Really is.

But it's bullshit, Rajid!

Come on. Is that the best you got?

Now, come on, I'm listening.

Just tell me. Tell me.

Tell me about this imminent attack.

- What? What? What attack?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- What are you t... What am I talking about?

- I don't... - I don't know, huh? Huh?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- I'm telling you... - No, you don't know?

- I don't know. I don't know. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

June 11th, Rajid!

You spoke of an imminent attack.

- Oh, oh, yes. No.

Listen, that was my friend.

Listen, his dog bit him. - No.

- And I told him, "If you do not train them"...

- No. - "Another terrier attack

is imminent."

[Grunts, coughs]

- So you lied, and you see what happens?

- I'm not... I'm not lying to you.

- Come on, Rajid. I like you.

Let's be friends, huh?

Now, you still haven't explained to me why we found,

on the search engine of your computer,

the words "Target Washington" 49 times.

- That... that is because I was in D.C. for a dog show,

and I had to buy a squeezy toy, a birthday card,

and some deodorant all at an affordable price.

- All right.

- You can only do that at Target.

- Yeah, okay.

I see how you wanna play this.

Give me... give me this. - [Groans]

- This is not a case of mistaken identity, Rajid,

and you know it!

We've heard the conversations between you and Jafar,

where you're discussing your hatred of American ideals.

- No, no, idols.

American idols!

I hate them. They performed Danclng Queen.

It was a desecration to ABBA,

my favorite band.

- We got you on tape referring to Jafar

as one of the architects of...

- 7-Eleven!

It was 7-Eleven!

Jafar... he designs convenience stores.

- 7-Eleven? [Inhales sharply]

Oh, shit.

- Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked the Capitol building.

- Were they terriers?

- How did you know?

- Fuck!

- Praise ABBA.

[Upbeat music]

- Welcome to Metta World News.

In sports, I'd rather eat my hand

than have my penis cut off.

I'd really have to believe someone was gonna cut it off,

but if I did, I could definitely eat my hand.

I know because I had a dream where I did it.

It was horrible.

I ate my whole hand.

Now, that's what you call rhetoric.

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

for this Wednesday, April hurricane slipknot.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

[Soul music]

- We go to the movies together sometimes...

- Yes. - And we very often

find ourselves in these really annoying spots

where the guys in front of us are talking about a movie...

they can't remember a movie.

I've seen people get caught in a crazy, like, vortex.

Talking about... Hey, hey, man.

You know, what's the girl's name?

What's the girl's name?

You know... - She does this?

She does this? - She don't do this.

No, she, um... she on a boat.

And then the dude is on the boat.

She's doing it... she doing it.

She got..."I will always... in love"...

- She says, "I will"... - "I'm on the boat."

- Oh, Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston,

Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston.

- No! She's blonde. - Oh, and... Oh, she blonde.

She on the boat,

and then the shark... Jaws, man. Jaws.

Talking about Jaws. - No.

The boat sinks. It crashes and sinks.

- What's it hitting? - It sinks.

It hits a big-ass ice cube, and it sinks.

- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Frlday.

- [Laughs]

- Damn, she was fly. - She all right.

Yo, man. Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah. What?

- Why everybody messing with the Batmans?

- Psh. See, that's exactly what I've been asking myself.

- It don't make no sense. - Why would you do it?

- Why would you do that?

Why would you try and mess with the Batmans?

- It's futile. - It is.

- Yo, remember, Heath Ledgers tried to.

- Psh. I mean, the Batmans got armor

and be knowing some martial arts...

- [grunting]

[Imitates bullets deflecting]

- Don't work. I got armor.

And then martial arts. - Come on.

- All you got is a purple suit and some pancake makeup.

- It's like, come on, man.

- I mean, come on, man. Batman...

- Why would you... both: Mess with the Batmans?

- That's what I'm saying, man.

- Oh, remember when Danny DeVitos tried it?

- Psh. - Start walking around,

talking about... [both squawking]

Both: Come on, man.

- I mean, the Batmans is a multibillionaire with a grudge.

You're just a little fat motherfucker

in a tuxedo with a umbrella.

- Exactly, man. - Come on, man.

- It's like a pretend bird can't mess with the Batmans.

- No way. No way. Out of the question, man.

Jim Carreys, though.

- Psh. Jim Carreys, though.

- Jim Carreys. - Come on.

"Riddle me this.

Riddle me that," mans.

How is Ace Ventura gonna mess with the Batmans?

- Well played. Well played. - How is Ace Ventura...

- Well played.

- "Hey, Batmans. I've come to get you."

- [Imitates whip cracking]

- Aah! - Now, see.

How are you supposed to block a batarang

from going in your butt with a carefully crafted query?

- You cannot. That's how. - It's impossible.

- Hey. Hey, psh. Hey, psh. Hey, psh.

- Michelle Pfeiffers. - Michelle Pfeiffer.

- Michelle Pfeiffers tried to mess with the Batmans.

Michelle Pfeiffers tried to mess with the Batmans.

- Michelle Pfeiffers.

- Michelle Pfeiffers... - Michelle Pfeiffers.

- Tried to mess with the Batman.

- Michelle Pfeiffers. - Michelle Pfeiffers.

- Guess what, Michelle Pfeiffers.

You ain't a real cat!

- Come on. I'll tell you one thing.

Ain't no way you gonna meows with the Batman.

- But what about Arnold Schwarzenegger, though?

What's Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to do?

- Come on, man.

- What is Arnold Schwarzenegger...

Feel the burn. Feel the burn. Feel the burn.

- [Grunting] - It should be in your triceps.

- Come on, man. - Arnold Schwarzenegger...

- You can't turn up the AC

and think that's gonna mess with the Batmans.

- What is it supposed to be doing to the Batman?

Giving the Batmans a cold? - Come on.

- Giving the Batmans a sniffle?

- Man's talking about bat lozenge.

- And you were defeated. Both: Come on, man.

- You know, there is one person, though.

- Oh, no, no, no. Here it come now.

- There is one person who could mess with the Batmans.

- Here it comes right now.

- Mm-hmm. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- There's one person who could...

- Here it comes right now.

- Did, and shall again mess with the Batmans.

- No, no, no. - Whoo!

- Oh, here it comes. - He trained the Batmans.

He gave the Batmans his skills.

He's a mirror image of the Batmans

in fighting prowess.

I'm talking about... both: Ra's al Ghul!

- That's right, dog, right there.

Talk about straight up Ra's al Ghul,

played by the incomparable... both: Liam Neesons.

- So, even when we are talking about the Batmans...

both:

Liam Neesons is my shit

[cheers and applause]

- Praise ABBA!

Good night, everybody. - All right. Thank you.

Good night, guys.

[Cheers and applause]

- I'm gonna do my one line here

- Oh, yeah.

- Whitey Bulger's, like, 106. - [Laughs]

- "Anybody could kill me at any time."

He doesn't care. - Yeah.

- Just dancing Irish jigs in Boston.

- Oh, my God.

Is that Whitey Bulger or Ray Bolger?

- [Laughs]

- I got him with that one. Ripped By mstoll

Resync BluRay by LeRalouf

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0