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1
00:00:01,551 --> 00:00:04,471
[Ominous music]
2
00:00:04,554 --> 00:00:11,644
Ripped By mstoll
3
00:00:11,727 --> 00:00:13,126
[door opens]
4
00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:17,216
- Come on, kids.
5
00:01:01,877 --> 00:01:04,797
[Upbeat music]
6
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:06,699
7
00:01:06,782 --> 00:01:09,702
[soul music]
8
00:01:09,785 --> 00:01:17,783
9
00:01:21,679 --> 00:01:23,380
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
10
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:28,205
[cheers and applause]
11
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:31,041
- Whoa!
Hey.
12
00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:35,245
[Cheers and applause]
13
00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:36,513
Hello.
14
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:40,083
Good to see ya.
Good to see ya.
15
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,552
- Thank you.
Wow.
16
00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:43,754
- Oh, my goodness.
17
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,590
- Okay.
- Thank you so much. Oh!
18
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:47,858
Whoa!
19
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:48,925
- Wow.
20
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,227
- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
21
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:51,261
- I am Jordan Peele.
22
00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:52,262
- And we are Key and Peele.
23
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:53,897
Thanks for coming out.
24
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:56,566
[Cheers and applause]
25
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:58,602
Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yes, glad to be back.
26
00:01:58,685 --> 00:01:59,870
- It's the beginning
of the third season,
27
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,539
and we're happy to be back.
28
00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,374
Thank you very much.
29
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,976
A lot has happened...
- Yes.
30
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,444
- Over the year
that we've been gone.
31
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:08,645
- We had to respond
to some of the things
32
00:02:08,728 --> 00:02:10,080
that are happening out there.
33
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,282
I think... You know, race
is really polarizing...
34
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:13,716
- Yes, it is.
- In this country.
35
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,720
And we, you know...
We visit race ourselves
36
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,588
a couple of times,
you know, here and there.
37
00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:19,823
- And sometimes what we'll do
38
00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:22,059
is we find ourselves
encountering
39
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,127
older African-American fans.
40
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,830
And what's funny is
the spectrum of fandom is easy.
41
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,899
If you're a 12-year-old and
you're a fan of Key and Peele,
42
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,068
this is what usually happens:
[Shrieks]
43
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,477
- You just love it.
44
00:02:32,561 --> 00:02:34,171
- But if you are...
If you're 62 years old
45
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:35,305
and you're a fan
of Key and Peele,
46
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,173
it's like, "All right."
47
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,746
Hey. Hey.
48
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,414
This gentleman...
- It's him right there.
49
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,462
- "Hey, man.
50
00:02:45,546 --> 00:02:47,017
"I'm enjoying the program,
young man.
51
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,185
Tread lightly."
52
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,587
- "Tread lightly."
53
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,856
The older you are,
the more you have to say to us.
54
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:54,491
It's like the conversation
just doesn't end.
55
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:55,959
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.
56
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:57,160
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.
57
00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,195
- Good to see you, man.
All right.
58
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,830
- I'm surprised you watch.
59
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:00,864
- Hey, keep doing
what you're doing, though.
60
00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:02,599
- Will do.
All right, man.
61
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,267
- Okay, young buck, keep doing
what you're doing.
62
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:05,669
- Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.
63
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,204
Keep your thang up. Okay?
- You got it.
64
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:08,305
- But just remember,
you ain't on thin ice,
65
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:09,306
brother, but you're on ice.
66
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:10,540
- All right.
- Okay.
67
00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:11,641
Just make sure
you keep it going.
68
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:14,055
- I got you.
- All right.
69
00:03:14,139 --> 00:03:16,045
'Cause, you know,
we got an opportunity.
70
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,715
- All right.
- Lots of people.
71
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:19,983
- You're still talking to me?
- You're standing
72
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,785
on the shoulders
of a lot of people.
73
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,854
- We're still talking?
- Stay responsible.
74
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,655
- All right.
- Whatever you do, man,
75
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:27,324
make sure
you're staying responsible.
76
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,625
- It's not...
- I ain't trying
77
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,060
to shut you down.
78
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,228
- It's not even...
- I want you to have
79
00:03:31,311 --> 00:03:32,863
your creative freedom.
- Oh!
80
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,865
[Cheers and applause]
81
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,299
That's good.
82
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:39,518
- We, um... We wanted
to take this opportunity
83
00:03:39,602 --> 00:03:44,407
to apologize,
just to everybody named Aaron.
84
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:47,310
- Although, you know, if you're
a white dude named Aaron,
85
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:51,314
and you went to school, and they
started calling you "A-Aron,"
86
00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,851
kind of the coolest thing
that's ever happened to you.
87
00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:56,553
[School bell rings]
88
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:58,555
- All right, we're gonna take
a little roll here.
89
00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,087
Jay-Kwelin.
- Here.
90
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:04,694
- You are present?
Ba-Lakay.
91
00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,830
- Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.
92
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,698
De-Nice.
- Here.
93
00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:10,001
- Good.
94
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:11,485
Je-Seeka.
95
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:13,516
Thank you.
96
00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:16,361
- Mr. Garvey?
97
00:04:17,493 --> 00:04:18,608
- What is it, A-Aron?
98
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:21,704
- Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today.
99
00:04:22,384 --> 00:04:23,774
- Oh.
100
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,350
Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
101
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:30,235
- And what, pray tell...
102
00:04:31,118 --> 00:04:35,110
is the reason
for this premature exodus?
103
00:04:35,899 --> 00:04:37,430
- Yearbook photos.
104
00:04:37,915 --> 00:04:40,530
Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early
105
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,132
to meet up with our clubs.
106
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,735
- [Chuckles]
107
00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:45,665
All right, you know what?
108
00:04:45,749 --> 00:04:48,404
That might work
with other substitute teachers,
109
00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:50,207
but I taught
in the inner city
110
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,196
for over 20 years.
111
00:04:52,589 --> 00:04:55,542
Now, y'all wanna
leave my class early,
112
00:04:55,626 --> 00:04:58,876
so y'all can go meet up
at the club.
113
00:04:59,477 --> 00:05:01,585
Ain't none of y'all
old enough
114
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:03,987
to go to the damn club!
115
00:05:04,509 --> 00:05:06,056
Ridiculous.
116
00:05:06,954 --> 00:05:10,660
- Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch!
117
00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,263
Did I
st-st-st-st-st-stutter?
118
00:05:13,504 --> 00:05:15,098
- Just then, yes.
119
00:05:15,574 --> 00:05:18,566
- I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window!
120
00:05:19,535 --> 00:05:20,670
What, Jay-Kwelin?
121
00:05:20,808 --> 00:05:22,739
- Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth.
122
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,407
We... We have clubs
at the school.
123
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,243
We have clubs
for special interests.
124
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,979
- Okay, I see.
So y'all wanna play.
125
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,413
Y'all wanna play.
126
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,015
Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games.
127
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,251
Fine. I'll play.
128
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,761
I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all.
129
00:05:36,845 --> 00:05:41,082
Anyone who's in a club,
stand your ass up.
130
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,794
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is.
131
00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:46,963
The usual suspects.
132
00:05:47,218 --> 00:05:50,138
What the hell club
are you in, Jay-Kwelin?
133
00:05:50,587 --> 00:05:52,035
- Future leaders
of America.
134
00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:54,415
- Okay, okay.
135
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,275
How would you know
if you're gonna be a leader
136
00:05:58,755 --> 00:06:00,006
in the future?
137
00:06:00,090 --> 00:06:03,309
Is there a stargate
in your bedroom?
138
00:06:03,393 --> 00:06:05,647
Can you travel through time,
Jay-Kwelin?
139
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:07,717
- No.
- Then sit the flip down!
140
00:06:08,127 --> 00:06:09,486
Ba-Lakay, l...
Here's the thing.
141
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,619
I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this.
142
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:15,091
Ba-Lakay,
what club are you in?
143
00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:16,549
- I'm part of the Spanish club.
144
00:06:16,633 --> 00:06:19,161
- Span... The Sp...
You about as Spanish
145
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,663
as Ree-On Seacrest,
146
00:06:20,746 --> 00:06:23,025
with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair!
147
00:06:24,455 --> 00:06:25,706
How about you, De-Nice?
148
00:06:25,993 --> 00:06:27,166
- I'm in the chess club.
149
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,740
- Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
150
00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:33,841
you are not
in the chest club.
151
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,825
The mosquito bite club,
maybe.
152
00:06:35,909 --> 00:06:38,474
- Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
153
00:06:39,802 --> 00:06:41,217
There he is.
154
00:06:41,591 --> 00:06:43,825
A-Aron...
- Hey.
155
00:06:43,909 --> 00:06:46,880
- What club are you in?
156
00:06:47,192 --> 00:06:48,758
- I'm the president
of the glee club.
157
00:06:48,841 --> 00:06:49,739
Why did I talk?
158
00:06:49,823 --> 00:06:52,594
- The glee club?
Aah!
159
00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:54,898
Like they gonna have
a club
160
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,567
dedicated to a TV show!
161
00:06:57,679 --> 00:07:00,364
Take your ass
to O-Shag-Hennessey's office
162
00:07:00,448 --> 00:07:03,105
right now,
before I bust a club
163
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:04,908
up in your butt!
- Okay.
164
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,856
- Go!
- [Crying] Okay, I'm gonna go.
165
00:07:07,411 --> 00:07:09,379
- Mischievous and deceitful!
166
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:11,692
Chicanerous and deplorable.
167
00:07:12,208 --> 00:07:13,661
- This is
Principal O'Shaughnessy.
168
00:07:13,745 --> 00:07:15,638
Students, please report
to the gymnasium
169
00:07:15,722 --> 00:07:17,641
for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
170
00:07:18,044 --> 00:07:21,606
Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reason
171
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,043
for leaving this classroom?
T-Mothy.
172
00:07:24,127 --> 00:07:25,260
- I gotta go pick up
my daughter.
173
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:26,333
- You're excused.
174
00:07:27,913 --> 00:07:29,332
[Soul music]
175
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,267
- Yo, yo, yo, what up,
what up, what up?
176
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,303
Welcome to Battle Rap,
where we're gonna battle rap
177
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,138
every day in the month
of February, y'all.
178
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,806
Yo, I'm your host,
Big Peep-Paroo!
179
00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:38,741
All: Roo!
- That's right, that's right,
180
00:07:38,824 --> 00:07:40,610
that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.
181
00:07:40,693 --> 00:07:42,312
Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happening?
182
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,802
This your boy, Rhino D,
and I'm about to fronthand...
183
00:07:44,886 --> 00:07:46,649
backhand his ass
off the mic!
184
00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:47,984
- That's right, that's right,
that's right.
185
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,619
And on my right,
we got the challenger.
186
00:07:49,702 --> 00:07:50,954
Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man?
187
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,522
I'm Diller Killer,
in the house.
188
00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:55,291
100 USD A pure meat.
No filler right here, dog.
189
00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:57,193
- Hoo! Hoo! [barks]
- Okay, okay, okay.
190
00:07:57,276 --> 00:07:58,995
Yo, Diller lost the toss,
so you go first.
191
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:00,430
Okay, gentlemen,
battle rap!
192
00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:02,332
-
All right, yeah,
man, here I go
193
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,766
You're shook, son,
I'ma eat you for breakfast
194
00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:05,668
'Cause I'm a cook, son
195
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:07,937
I stole a cop-a-feel
from your girl's breasteses
196
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,772
[overlapping shouting]
- [High-pitched growling]
197
00:08:09,855 --> 00:08:12,308
- Ow.
Hit me in the nipple, man.
198
00:08:12,391 --> 00:08:14,043
- [Growling]
199
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,511
- You don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.
200
00:08:15,594 --> 00:08:17,981
You can't even win
this 100-yard dash,
201
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,349
but let me ask you
a question.
202
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,618
What do they call that,
a mustache?
203
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,820
[Overlapping shouting]
204
00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:24,854
- [Growling]
205
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:25,855
- See what I'm saying?
206
00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:27,513
- Aah!
207
00:08:27,597 --> 00:08:29,224
Aah!
- Okay, all right, see...
208
00:08:29,308 --> 00:08:31,561
Relax, man. Hey, I need you
to relax a little bit.
209
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,029
- [Growling]
210
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,631
- I need you to take it down
a little bit.
211
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:36,633
- Ahh!
- What the fuck are you doing?
212
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,636
I'm telling you, take... Can you
take it down a little bit, man?
213
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,070
- [Growls quieter]
214
00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:42,653
- Come on, what are you,
a horse?
215
00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:45,950
- Aah!
- That's the last one.
216
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,678
Yo, what's up, dog?
You know my shit is rich
217
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:50,546
I'm swimming in simoleons,
I mean
218
00:08:50,629 --> 00:08:52,682
What am I supposed to do with
this miniature black Napoleon?
219
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:54,517
- [growling]
220
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,420
- All right.
Yo! Hey, man.
221
00:08:57,503 --> 00:08:59,555
Hey, dog, get your...
Hey, hey!
222
00:08:59,638 --> 00:09:01,858
I don't want no problems.
I don't want no problems, man.
223
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:03,159
Hey, hey, get your...
224
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:05,094
- [growling]
- I'm sorry, man.
225
00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:06,529
Look at that. Look at this.
Look at this.
226
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,898
Look at it. Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
227
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:09,999
Go get it now, go get it.
That's a boy. Oh.
228
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,868
Yeah, man, here we go.
229
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:13,936
Yeah, man, look at that chain
and these fake-ass Timberlands
230
00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:16,439
- [growling]
[Overlapping shouting]
231
00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,574
- I'm sorry. You okay?
- I'm okay.
232
00:09:18,657 --> 00:09:20,510
- You all right?
I'm sorry, man. I apologize.
233
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,078
- Yo, man.
What's wrong with him?
234
00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:23,546
- Hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, hey!
235
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,549
- [Growling]
236
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,452
- I don't know what to...
Why are you doing me?
237
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:30,743
- Aah!
- Why would you... No, listen.
238
00:09:30,827 --> 00:09:33,930
- Aah!
- No. No, no, no. Come on.
239
00:09:34,014 --> 00:09:37,368
- Aah!
- [Shushing]
240
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,728
- All right,
you guys gotta go, man.
241
00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:40,008
- No, come on, no, man.
- No, man.
242
00:09:40,092 --> 00:09:42,512
No, you're all done, man.
- Aah!
243
00:09:42,596 --> 00:09:44,232
- That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
244
00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:45,401
We got a champion still
right here.
245
00:09:45,484 --> 00:09:47,070
- Yeah, what's happening?
246
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,905
Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about.
247
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:50,573
- [Growling]
- Just give me the hat!
248
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,275
Levi! Levi!
249
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:53,576
No, you're hitting people!
250
00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:55,040
Give me the fucking hat!
251
00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:56,646
[Gentle music]
252
00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:58,715
- [Sustained gibberish]
253
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:00,883
- Listen. Hey, hey.
Listen... Listen, man.
254
00:10:00,966 --> 00:10:03,086
I want you to look out
on the lake, man.
255
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,755
I just want you to look out
and imagine a place, man,
256
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:06,823
where you can do
your thing, man.
257
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,128
- Ohh.
258
00:10:08,212 --> 00:10:09,759
- Where you and I could go
and do our thing
259
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:12,595
but never have to forfeit, yeah!
- Yahh.
260
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,297
- You could scream and shout
and shove people
261
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,214
back and forth,
but we don't never have to quit.
262
00:10:16,298 --> 00:10:17,934
- Yeah!
- But look out on the lake, man.
263
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,832
Look out on the lake.
- Ahh.
264
00:10:19,916 --> 00:10:22,137
- No matter what happens, man,
I start rappin'.
265
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,136
- Ha!
266
00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:24,807
- And my rhymes,
they start to flow.
267
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:26,676
And I'm turning the tide.
268
00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,778
And no matter what you do,
you can push and shove
269
00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:30,947
and scream, but we'll never
get disqualified.
270
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,682
- La la la!
271
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,183
Ah ha ha ha!
272
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:37,620
Yeah, yeah, ooh!
Ha-ha!
273
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,522
- Man, for good measure, while
you're looking at the lake,
274
00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:41,624
just give me
one more good "aah."
275
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:42,792
- Aah...
276
00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,105
[gunshot]
277
00:10:50,157 --> 00:10:51,801
- You know what'd be great,
is if there were
278
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,870
other occupations
that had hype men in them.
279
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:54,993
- Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean?
280
00:10:55,077 --> 00:10:56,873
Like if a lawyer had
a hype man,
281
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,141
I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would...
282
00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,342
- That would really
spice up
283
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:00,884
the proceedings
in a courtroom.
284
00:11:00,977 --> 00:11:04,797
- Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho!
285
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,233
Oh, he objects!
286
00:11:07,316 --> 00:11:09,269
He objects!
287
00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:13,654
- Not only is the prosecution
being argumentative...
288
00:11:13,738 --> 00:11:15,408
- Oh ho ho!
289
00:11:15,491 --> 00:11:18,222
This shit is argumentative!
290
00:11:18,323 --> 00:11:21,744
[Laughter]
291
00:11:21,828 --> 00:11:24,316
- This next sketch
is definitely going to get...
292
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,586
If you are a guy, it's going
to get you in trouble right now.
293
00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:28,510
There's only one way to say it.
- Yes, let me just throw it out.
294
00:11:28,594 --> 00:11:32,323
- So we recommend
that you either leave the room,
295
00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:33,259
turn off the TV...
296
00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:34,928
- Or play it coo...
Play it cool.
297
00:11:35,344 --> 00:11:37,463
- Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.
298
00:11:37,546 --> 00:11:38,631
- No, you're gonna want
to watch it
299
00:11:38,714 --> 00:11:39,966
and maybe... maybe get...
300
00:11:40,049 --> 00:11:41,901
somehow get your lady
out of the room.
301
00:11:41,984 --> 00:11:43,603
- No, gentlemen, I would suggest
you take a diamond ring...
302
00:11:43,686 --> 00:11:46,272
- If you have one laying around.
- Of a significant...
303
00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:49,649
of a significant carat.
- Yeah. Oh, yes.
304
00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:51,177
- And just chuck it
out a window...
305
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:52,337
- Just throw it.
306
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,080
- As far as you think
you need to.
307
00:11:54,163 --> 00:11:56,324
- And she'll go,
"What the... What you doing?"
308
00:12:00,462 --> 00:12:02,255
Hey, girl, I'm home.
309
00:12:02,338 --> 00:12:03,839
- Hey, boo.
How you doing?
310
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,175
- Good.
- How was work?
311
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,577
- Sucked.
312
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:10,079
- Aww. Can I ask you
a quick question?
313
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,514
- Yeah, sure.
What up?
314
00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:14,260
- I've just been noticing
that every time
315
00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:16,686
I leave to go out, the next time
I open the computer,
316
00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,860
the browser history's
been cleared.
317
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,325
- Hmm. That's weird.
318
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,626
- Yesterday,
I went food shopping
319
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:25,071
for, like, 15 minutes.
320
00:12:25,155 --> 00:12:26,841
I used the computer
before I went to the store,
321
00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:29,465
and when I came back,
my history was gone,
322
00:12:29,548 --> 00:12:32,168
the cache was cleared,
and the cookies had been reset.
323
00:12:32,759 --> 00:12:33,641
- Hmm.
324
00:12:34,929 --> 00:12:37,181
[Suspenseful music]
325
00:12:37,751 --> 00:12:40,176
Well, I think sometimes
the computer runs
326
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,978
an automatic software update,
327
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:44,587
so maybe that just kind of
clears the history.
328
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:47,183
- Yeah, except when you update
the software,
329
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,352
a little window pops up,
and you click "okay,"
330
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,469
and then it gets installed,
so...
331
00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:54,079
- Hmm.
332
00:12:56,407 --> 00:12:58,260
I don't know,
maybe there's something wrong
333
00:12:58,343 --> 00:12:59,829
with the computer,
you know?
334
00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,430
And it's just
one of those things,
335
00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:03,265
whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source,
336
00:13:03,348 --> 00:13:07,290
it has to reboot, and it just
totally wipes out the history.
337
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:11,423
- Be honest, babe.
It's porn, right?
338
00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:14,276
- Porn?
339
00:13:14,359 --> 00:13:16,445
What's...
Oh, pornography?
340
00:13:16,528 --> 00:13:17,469
No.
341
00:13:17,553 --> 00:13:19,415
- It's okay
if you look at porn.
342
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,717
I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.
343
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,219
I'm perfectly okay
with that,
344
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,001
as long as it's not
that weird stuff.
345
00:13:27,118 --> 00:13:29,358
Oh... all right.
346
00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:30,743
Well, I mean,
kinky's okay.
347
00:13:30,827 --> 00:13:32,290
I like kinky.
348
00:13:32,374 --> 00:13:35,719
As long as it's not
that sick, twisted S&M stuff.
349
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,720
Wow. Um...
350
00:13:41,804 --> 00:13:43,790
Okay, I'm not gonna judge
your journey.
351
00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:45,491
It is your fantasy.
352
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,783
Just as long as you aren't
looking at women who...
353
00:13:49,443 --> 00:13:51,028
Not women?
354
00:13:51,112 --> 00:13:53,498
Wow! Okay.
355
00:13:53,713 --> 00:13:56,402
Men? Chicks with dicks?
356
00:13:56,485 --> 00:13:59,971
Horses?
Worse than horses?
357
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:02,341
Wow.
358
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,776
- Baby, give me
a little credit.
359
00:14:05,432 --> 00:14:06,746
None of that matters.
360
00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,414
The only thing that matters
is that when we're doing it,
361
00:14:08,497 --> 00:14:09,916
I'm thinking about you...
362
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:13,057
and you're thinking
about me, right?
363
00:14:15,712 --> 00:14:16,630
Right, baby?
364
00:14:16,714 --> 00:14:19,706
[Suspenseful music]
365
00:14:22,745 --> 00:14:24,430
[Soul music]
366
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:28,080
- You guys, uh,
you guys know the film...
367
00:14:28,164 --> 00:14:29,935
The film musical
Les Mls, right?
368
00:14:30,019 --> 00:14:32,572
People have seen that?
- It came out kind of recently.
369
00:14:32,655 --> 00:14:34,941
We just know that
so many girlfriends
370
00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:36,943
got their guy to see it
by just being like,
371
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:39,197
hey, your boy Wolverine
is in there.
372
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,383
- Wha... No. No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.
373
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,118
- Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mls.
374
00:14:46,201 --> 00:14:48,020
- Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching. Ta-ching.
375
00:14:48,103 --> 00:14:51,290
That's your boy.
He in there.
376
00:14:51,373 --> 00:14:52,892
- He ain't in there.
- He is in there, though.
377
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,574
- He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.
378
00:14:54,658 --> 00:14:57,063
- Who else in it?
- Gladiator.
379
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,698
- Hell no.
- Yes.
380
00:14:58,781 --> 00:15:00,132
That's your boy.
381
00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:02,201
Maximus is in the movie.
382
00:15:02,284 --> 00:15:03,469
- You ain't trying
to trick me?
383
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:04,979
- I ain't trying
to trick you.
384
00:15:05,768 --> 00:15:07,645
- Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.
385
00:15:07,729 --> 00:15:10,947
- Ah, man, she's just... He's
like, oh, man, come on. What?
386
00:15:12,197 --> 00:15:13,746
That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.
387
00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:15,281
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.
388
00:15:15,364 --> 00:15:17,116
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.
389
00:15:17,199 --> 00:15:18,818
- No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.
390
00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:20,386
That's your man.
That's your dog.
391
00:15:20,469 --> 00:15:22,255
And, look, there Catwoman
up on this bitch.
392
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,789
- Catwoman?
- That's for you.
393
00:15:23,872 --> 00:15:25,657
I did this for you.
- Oh, wait a minute.
394
00:15:25,741 --> 00:15:28,299
- I come to the movies
for you.
395
00:15:28,978 --> 00:15:31,139
[Laughter and applause]
396
00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:38,216
[Bell tolling]
397
00:15:41,423 --> 00:15:44,065
-
One at a time
398
00:15:44,426 --> 00:15:46,979
I put men like you
399
00:15:47,062 --> 00:15:50,737
Behind bars every day
400
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:54,293
One at a time
401
00:15:54,377 --> 00:15:59,091
-
Legateaux,
you may take my years
402
00:15:59,174 --> 00:16:00,626
But cannot lock
403
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:04,580
My soul away
404
00:16:05,229 --> 00:16:06,966
All the years
I had to run
405
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,134
-
I've chased you
through the years
406
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,936
-
So long ago it all began
407
00:16:10,019 --> 00:16:11,537
-
Now your journey's
at an end
408
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:13,105
-
In the shadows
on my shame
409
00:16:13,188 --> 00:16:14,273
-
You will pay
for what you've done
410
00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:15,775
-
But was I ever to blame?
411
00:16:15,858 --> 00:16:17,209
-
Death will be
your only friend
412
00:16:17,292 --> 00:16:18,644
-
Do I let
this fight end now?
413
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:19,979
-
Do not interrupt me
414
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,480
-
Just to end
this life of pain
415
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:22,815
-
Let me finish
what I need to say
416
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,383
-
Will the end
be welcome now?
417
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:25,785
-
Fine, I'll let you
finish first
418
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:27,320
-
Will my journey
be in vain?
419
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,654
-
Don't let me
get in your way
420
00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,456
-
I only stole
a loaf of bread
421
00:16:30,539 --> 00:16:32,224
-
Are you finished now?
-
All I needed
422
00:16:32,307 --> 00:16:34,160
To survive
-
Okay, now it's my turn
423
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,528
-
If I end up
in your cell
424
00:16:35,611 --> 00:16:36,963
-
Can we have
some give and take?
425
00:16:37,046 --> 00:16:38,397
-
Why would I have
stayed alive?
426
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,865
-
Let me get in a word,
at least
427
00:16:39,948 --> 00:16:42,635
-
Do I tell him
that I love him?
428
00:16:42,718 --> 00:16:45,137
Do I tell him
of his child?
429
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:47,139
-
Now, where did this bitch
come from?
430
00:16:47,222 --> 00:16:50,910
-
I have no idea
-
One at a time
431
00:16:50,993 --> 00:16:53,045
-
Will he ever know
his daughter?
432
00:16:53,128 --> 00:16:54,413
-
Lady, seriously,
please hang on
433
00:16:54,496 --> 00:16:55,915
-
Will he recognize
her eyes?
434
00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,316
-
It's hard enough
to talk to him
435
00:16:57,399 --> 00:16:59,251
-
Did you say my daughter?
436
00:16:59,334 --> 00:17:01,554
-
Yours and mine
-
One at a time
437
00:17:01,637 --> 00:17:03,255
All:
The trumpets
call out freedom
438
00:17:03,338 --> 00:17:04,824
-
This all has to happen
on the same block?
439
00:17:04,907 --> 00:17:06,158
All:
Let the marching
shake the ground
440
00:17:06,241 --> 00:17:08,027
-
Now this is just a joke
441
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,997
We could solve all of these
issues if everyone just spoke
442
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,999
One at a time
443
00:17:13,082 --> 00:17:14,767
-
Taking what we can, 'cause
things are getting worse
444
00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:17,336
Taking what we can
from every pocket and purse
445
00:17:17,419 --> 00:17:18,371
-
One at a time
446
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,706
-
The men have come
447
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,508
All:
Their blood
will spill
448
00:17:22,591 --> 00:17:24,110
-
One at time
449
00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:25,945
-
The years
destroyed the man
450
00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:28,614
She knew
before we parted
451
00:17:28,697 --> 00:17:30,950
All:
And when love and war
and blood and glory's
452
00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:32,885
Barracks
have been climbed
453
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,621
We will die
-
I will love
454
00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:36,956
-
Years, they pass
455
00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:39,030
- Can't we speak?
456
00:17:40,186 --> 00:17:41,093
All:
One
457
00:17:41,176 --> 00:17:43,629
Both:
Here we go again,
popping in and out
458
00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:46,365
Don't have much to do
with what this is about
459
00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:47,933
All:
At a time
460
00:17:48,016 --> 00:17:53,906
-
Why are we all
facing the same way?
461
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:57,553
- Is the city on fire?
What's with all the smoke?
462
00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,363
Oh, now we're all ears.
463
00:18:01,938 --> 00:18:03,098
Great.
464
00:18:04,488 --> 00:18:07,653
[Hail to the Chief playing]
465
00:18:07,736 --> 00:18:09,989
- Hello, my fellow Americans.
466
00:18:10,072 --> 00:18:13,084
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
467
00:18:13,168 --> 00:18:13,926
- Hi!
468
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,262
- Now, the first year
of my second term
469
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,329
has been a challenge.
470
00:18:17,412 --> 00:18:19,732
- Cluster... fuck!
471
00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:22,101
- Tonight, I'd like
to address the concerns
472
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,503
of the American people
over what they perceive
473
00:18:24,586 --> 00:18:26,939
as the U.S. Government spying
on their digital
474
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,535
and electronic activities.
475
00:18:28,619 --> 00:18:31,844
- Man, y'all some deluded,
self-important motherfuckers
476
00:18:31,927 --> 00:18:33,746
if you think we interested
in your deviant,
477
00:18:33,829 --> 00:18:35,347
porn-watching asses!
478
00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:38,017
- I can assure you,
the American people,
479
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,486
we are not reading
every individual email.
480
00:18:40,569 --> 00:18:42,521
Rather, we're searching
for key words
481
00:18:42,604 --> 00:18:44,156
that would indicate a threat.
482
00:18:44,239 --> 00:18:45,424
- And don't worry,
everybody,
483
00:18:45,507 --> 00:18:47,860
those key words are not
"girl on girl,"
484
00:18:48,176 --> 00:18:51,197
anal, squirting,
plopping.
485
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,113
- Hmm. "Plopping"?
486
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:54,867
- What the fuck
is "plopping,"
487
00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:56,238
you dirty motherfuckers?
488
00:18:56,322 --> 00:18:58,369
- These key words
are being used,
489
00:18:58,453 --> 00:19:00,773
amongst other things,
to prevent terrorists
490
00:19:00,856 --> 00:19:02,808
from using weapons
of mass destruction.
491
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,810
- Not prevent you
from watching videos
492
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,812
of ass destruction!
493
00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,315
- Now, these policies
have already foiled
494
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,259
numerous terrorist plots.
495
00:19:11,343 --> 00:19:13,385
- These are not the kind of
plots that y'all are used to,
496
00:19:13,468 --> 00:19:14,687
like when a guy
comes in the door
497
00:19:14,770 --> 00:19:16,188
with his penis
in a pizza box,
498
00:19:16,271 --> 00:19:17,623
and a lady sucks on it.
499
00:19:18,228 --> 00:19:19,325
- And I assure you
500
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:20,726
that the country's
gotten safer
501
00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:22,561
since the end
of the Bush era.
502
00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,877
- And I ain't talking
about the President. Boop.
503
00:19:24,961 --> 00:19:28,167
- These policies have allowed us
to probe and penetrate...
504
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,169
- I know y'all been probin...
- Into the deep... No, Luther.
505
00:19:30,744 --> 00:19:32,338
Just,
what I'm trying to say is
506
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,141
that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered...
507
00:19:35,224 --> 00:19:36,142
- You guys think...
- And that... Luther.
508
00:19:36,225 --> 00:19:37,576
- Okay, Luther,
509
00:19:37,659 --> 00:19:39,411
why are you trying to undermine
the President
510
00:19:39,494 --> 00:19:42,081
with your juvenile
sexual innuendo?
511
00:19:42,164 --> 00:19:44,250
- The average American
has nothing to fear
512
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:45,478
from these policies.
513
00:19:45,562 --> 00:19:47,820
- Now! If we was
drone-striking perverts,
514
00:19:47,903 --> 00:19:49,388
our country would look like
515
00:19:49,471 --> 00:19:51,524
Mad Max beyond Thunderdome
right about now.
516
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,330
I'm talking about
a postapocalyptic nightmare!
517
00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:56,262
- Thank you,
and good night.
518
00:19:56,345 --> 00:19:57,345
- Go to sleep, y'all.
519
00:19:59,147 --> 00:20:00,266
- "Plopping"?
- Oh, yes, sir.
520
00:20:00,349 --> 00:20:01,736
That's when you...
521
00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:02,752
- Oh.
522
00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:06,173
Y'all are
some sick motherfuckers.
523
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,923
[Soul music]
524
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,246
[Upbeat music]
525
00:20:14,329 --> 00:20:15,381
526
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,283
- Welcome to Metta World News.
527
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:21,767
Our top story: Why are people
always trying to steal my magic?
528
00:20:22,713 --> 00:20:24,956
In other news,
cat litter can be used
529
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,892
to blind people
when fighting.
530
00:20:27,111 --> 00:20:29,228
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
531
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,964
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
532
00:20:32,047 --> 00:20:34,800
for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain drink.
533
00:20:34,883 --> 00:20:37,431
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
534
00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:39,638
[Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
535
00:20:39,721 --> 00:20:40,906
Thank you.
536
00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:42,759
- All right.
537
00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:45,930
So now, everybody,
it's time to...
538
00:20:46,014 --> 00:20:47,705
go straight to your computer
539
00:20:48,009 --> 00:20:49,648
and Google "plopping."
540
00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:51,917
[Laughter]
Very sorry.
541
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:52,985
- Good night, everybody.
- Thank you very much.
542
00:20:53,068 --> 00:20:55,400
- Good night.
Thank you.
543
00:20:57,306 --> 00:21:00,226
-
I'm gonna do
my one line here
544
00:21:00,309 --> 00:21:02,241
- Oh, yeah.
545
00:21:04,246 --> 00:21:06,332
- You know, 21/2 hours into the
movie, my man's talking about...
546
00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:08,134
- [sobbing]
I came to see Wolverine!
547
00:21:08,217 --> 00:21:09,609
- You did.
548
00:21:09,693 --> 00:21:11,436
- He don't got
his healing powers no more!
549
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,520
- That's your boy.
I know, baby.
550
00:21:13,604 --> 00:21:14,923
- [Sobbing] He can't come
back from the dead.
551
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:15,842
- I know.
552
00:21:15,925 --> 00:21:17,501
- He trying
to have a revolution!
553
00:21:17,585 --> 00:21:19,500
- I know. Let it out.
Ripped By mstoll
554
00:21:19,586 --> 00:21:20,500
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
555
00:21:20,550 --> 00:21:25,100
Repair and Synchronization by
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