All language subtitles for Key And Peele s03e01 Les Mis.eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese Download
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,551 --> 00:00:04,471 [Ominous music] 2 00:00:04,554 --> 00:00:11,644 Ripped By mstoll 3 00:00:11,727 --> 00:00:13,126 [door opens] 4 00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:17,216 - Come on, kids. 5 00:01:01,877 --> 00:01:04,797 [Upbeat music] 6 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:06,699 7 00:01:06,782 --> 00:01:09,702 [soul music] 8 00:01:09,785 --> 00:01:17,783 9 00:01:21,679 --> 00:01:23,380 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 10 00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:28,205 [cheers and applause] 11 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:31,041 - Whoa! Hey. 12 00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:35,245 [Cheers and applause] 13 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:36,513 Hello. 14 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:40,083 Good to see ya. Good to see ya. 15 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,552 - Thank you. Wow. 16 00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:43,754 - Oh, my goodness. 17 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,590 - Okay. - Thank you so much. Oh! 18 00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:47,858 Whoa! 19 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:48,925 - Wow. 20 00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,227 - I am Keegan-Michael Key. 21 00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:51,261 - I am Jordan Peele. 22 00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:52,262 - And we are Key and Peele. 23 00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:53,897 Thanks for coming out. 24 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:56,566 [Cheers and applause] 25 00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:58,602 Well, we're glad to be back. - Yes, glad to be back. 26 00:01:58,685 --> 00:01:59,870 - It's the beginning of the third season, 27 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,539 and we're happy to be back. 28 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,374 Thank you very much. 29 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,976 A lot has happened... - Yes. 30 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,444 - Over the year that we've been gone. 31 00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:08,645 - We had to respond to some of the things 32 00:02:08,728 --> 00:02:10,080 that are happening out there. 33 00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,282 I think... You know, race is really polarizing... 34 00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:13,716 - Yes, it is. - In this country. 35 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,720 And we, you know... We visit race ourselves 36 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,588 a couple of times, you know, here and there. 37 00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:19,823 - And sometimes what we'll do 38 00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:22,059 is we find ourselves encountering 39 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,127 older African-American fans. 40 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,830 And what's funny is the spectrum of fandom is easy. 41 00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,899 If you're a 12-year-old and you're a fan of Key and Peele, 42 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,068 this is what usually happens: [Shrieks] 43 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,477 - You just love it. 44 00:02:32,561 --> 00:02:34,171 - But if you are... If you're 62 years old 45 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:35,305 and you're a fan of Key and Peele, 46 00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,173 it's like, "All right." 47 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,746 Hey. Hey. 48 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,414 This gentleman... - It's him right there. 49 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,462 - "Hey, man. 50 00:02:45,546 --> 00:02:47,017 "I'm enjoying the program, young man. 51 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,185 Tread lightly." 52 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,587 - "Tread lightly." 53 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,856 The older you are, the more you have to say to us. 54 00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:54,491 It's like the conversation just doesn't end. 55 00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:55,959 - Yeah, yeah. - All right, thank you, sir. 56 00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:57,160 Thank you, thank you. Thank you for watching. 57 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,195 - Good to see you, man. All right. 58 00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,830 - I'm surprised you watch. 59 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:00,864 - Hey, keep doing what you're doing, though. 60 00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:02,599 - Will do. All right, man. 61 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,267 - Okay, young buck, keep doing what you're doing. 62 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:05,669 - Thank you, man. - Don't let it stop now, man. 63 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,204 Keep your thang up. Okay? - You got it. 64 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:08,305 - But just remember, you ain't on thin ice, 65 00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:09,306 brother, but you're on ice. 66 00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:10,540 - All right. - Okay. 67 00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:11,641 Just make sure you keep it going. 68 00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:14,055 - I got you. - All right. 69 00:03:14,139 --> 00:03:16,045 'Cause, you know, we got an opportunity. 70 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,715 - All right. - Lots of people. 71 00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:19,983 - You're still talking to me? - You're standing 72 00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,785 on the shoulders of a lot of people. 73 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,854 - We're still talking? - Stay responsible. 74 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,655 - All right. - Whatever you do, man, 75 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:27,324 make sure you're staying responsible. 76 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,625 - It's not... - I ain't trying 77 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,060 to shut you down. 78 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,228 - It's not even... - I want you to have 79 00:03:31,311 --> 00:03:32,863 your creative freedom. - Oh! 80 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,865 [Cheers and applause] 81 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,299 That's good. 82 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:39,518 - We, um... We wanted to take this opportunity 83 00:03:39,602 --> 00:03:44,407 to apologize, just to everybody named Aaron. 84 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:47,310 - Although, you know, if you're a white dude named Aaron, 85 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:51,314 and you went to school, and they started calling you "A-Aron," 86 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,851 kind of the coolest thing that's ever happened to you. 87 00:03:54,934 --> 00:03:56,553 [School bell rings] 88 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:58,555 - All right, we're gonna take a little roll here. 89 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,087 Jay-Kwelin. - Here. 90 00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:04,694 - You are present? Ba-Lakay. 91 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,830 - Uh, here. - Uh-huh. 92 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,698 De-Nice. - Here. 93 00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:10,001 - Good. 94 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:11,485 Je-Seeka. 95 00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:13,516 Thank you. 96 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:16,361 - Mr. Garvey? 97 00:04:17,493 --> 00:04:18,608 - What is it, A-Aron? 98 00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:21,704 - Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today. 99 00:04:22,384 --> 00:04:23,774 - Oh. 100 00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,350 Oh, is that so? - Mm-hmm. 101 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:30,235 - And what, pray tell... 102 00:04:31,118 --> 00:04:35,110 is the reason for this premature exodus? 103 00:04:35,899 --> 00:04:37,430 - Yearbook photos. 104 00:04:37,915 --> 00:04:40,530 Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early 105 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,132 to meet up with our clubs. 106 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,735 - [Chuckles] 107 00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:45,665 All right, you know what? 108 00:04:45,749 --> 00:04:48,404 That might work with other substitute teachers, 109 00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:50,207 but I taught in the inner city 110 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,196 for over 20 years. 111 00:04:52,589 --> 00:04:55,542 Now, y'all wanna leave my class early, 112 00:04:55,626 --> 00:04:58,876 so y'all can go meet up at the club. 113 00:04:59,477 --> 00:05:01,585 Ain't none of y'all old enough 114 00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:03,987 to go to the damn club! 115 00:05:04,509 --> 00:05:06,056 Ridiculous. 116 00:05:06,954 --> 00:05:10,660 - Mr. Garvey? - Dumb son of a bitch! 117 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,263 Did I st-st-st-st-st-stutter? 118 00:05:13,504 --> 00:05:15,098 - Just then, yes. 119 00:05:15,574 --> 00:05:18,566 - I'm gonna throw you out the goddamn window! 120 00:05:19,535 --> 00:05:20,670 What, Jay-Kwelin? 121 00:05:20,808 --> 00:05:22,739 - Mr. Garvey, we're... we're telling the truth. 122 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,407 We... We have clubs at the school. 123 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,243 We have clubs for special interests. 124 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,979 - Okay, I see. So y'all wanna play. 125 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,413 Y'all wanna play. 126 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,015 Yeah, okay, we gonna play little games. 127 00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,251 Fine. I'll play. 128 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,761 I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all. 129 00:05:36,845 --> 00:05:41,082 Anyone who's in a club, stand your ass up. 130 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,794 Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, there it is, there it is. 131 00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:46,963 The usual suspects. 132 00:05:47,218 --> 00:05:50,138 What the hell club are you in, Jay-Kwelin? 133 00:05:50,587 --> 00:05:52,035 - Future leaders of America. 134 00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:54,415 - Okay, okay. 135 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,275 How would you know if you're gonna be a leader 136 00:05:58,755 --> 00:06:00,006 in the future? 137 00:06:00,090 --> 00:06:03,309 Is there a stargate in your bedroom? 138 00:06:03,393 --> 00:06:05,647 Can you travel through time, Jay-Kwelin? 139 00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:07,717 - No. - Then sit the flip down! 140 00:06:08,127 --> 00:06:09,486 Ba-Lakay, l... Here's the thing. 141 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,619 I don't even know why I'm about to ask you this. 142 00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:15,091 Ba-Lakay, what club are you in? 143 00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:16,549 - I'm part of the Spanish club. 144 00:06:16,633 --> 00:06:19,161 - Span... The Sp... You about as Spanish 145 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,663 as Ree-On Seacrest, 146 00:06:20,746 --> 00:06:23,025 with your big-ass Fraggle Rock hair! 147 00:06:24,455 --> 00:06:25,706 How about you, De-Nice? 148 00:06:25,993 --> 00:06:27,166 - I'm in the chess club. 149 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,740 - Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, 150 00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:33,841 you are not in the chest club. 151 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,825 The mosquito bite club, maybe. 152 00:06:35,909 --> 00:06:38,474 - Ah, that's hurtful. - Truthful. 153 00:06:39,802 --> 00:06:41,217 There he is. 154 00:06:41,591 --> 00:06:43,825 A-Aron... - Hey. 155 00:06:43,909 --> 00:06:46,880 - What club are you in? 156 00:06:47,192 --> 00:06:48,758 - I'm the president of the glee club. 157 00:06:48,841 --> 00:06:49,739 Why did I talk? 158 00:06:49,823 --> 00:06:52,594 - The glee club? Aah! 159 00:06:52,678 --> 00:06:54,898 Like they gonna have a club 160 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,567 dedicated to a TV show! 161 00:06:57,679 --> 00:07:00,364 Take your ass to O-Shag-Hennessey's office 162 00:07:00,448 --> 00:07:03,105 right now, before I bust a club 163 00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:04,908 up in your butt! - Okay. 164 00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,856 - Go! - [Crying] Okay, I'm gonna go. 165 00:07:07,411 --> 00:07:09,379 - Mischievous and deceitful! 166 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:11,692 Chicanerous and deplorable. 167 00:07:12,208 --> 00:07:13,661 - This is Principal O'Shaughnessy. 168 00:07:13,745 --> 00:07:15,638 Students, please report to the gymnasium 169 00:07:15,722 --> 00:07:17,641 for your club photos. - Fake announcement. 170 00:07:18,044 --> 00:07:21,606 Now, does anybody in here have a valid reason 171 00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,043 for leaving this classroom? T-Mothy. 172 00:07:24,127 --> 00:07:25,260 - I gotta go pick up my daughter. 173 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:26,333 - You're excused. 174 00:07:27,913 --> 00:07:29,332 [Soul music] 175 00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,267 - Yo, yo, yo, what up, what up, what up? 176 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,303 Welcome to Battle Rap, where we're gonna battle rap 177 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,138 every day in the month of February, y'all. 178 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,806 Yo, I'm your host, Big Peep-Paroo! 179 00:07:36,889 --> 00:07:38,741 All: Roo! - That's right, that's right, 180 00:07:38,824 --> 00:07:40,610 that's right, that's right. To my left, we got the champion. 181 00:07:40,693 --> 00:07:42,312 Yo, introduce, son! - Yeah, what's happening? 182 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,802 This your boy, Rhino D, and I'm about to fronthand... 183 00:07:44,886 --> 00:07:46,649 backhand his ass off the mic! 184 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:47,984 - That's right, that's right, that's right. 185 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,619 And on my right, we got the challenger. 186 00:07:49,702 --> 00:07:50,954 Introduce yourself, playa. - Yeah, what's up, man? 187 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,522 I'm Diller Killer, in the house. 188 00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:55,291 100 USD A pure meat. No filler right here, dog. 189 00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:57,193 - Hoo! Hoo! [barks] - Okay, okay, okay. 190 00:07:57,276 --> 00:07:58,995 Yo, Diller lost the toss, so you go first. 191 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:00,430 Okay, gentlemen, battle rap! 192 00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:02,332 - All right, yeah, man, here I go 193 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,766 You're shook, son, I'ma eat you for breakfast 194 00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:05,668 'Cause I'm a cook, son 195 00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:07,937 I stole a cop-a-feel from your girl's breasteses 196 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,772 [overlapping shouting] - [High-pitched growling] 197 00:08:09,855 --> 00:08:12,308 - Ow. Hit me in the nipple, man. 198 00:08:12,391 --> 00:08:14,043 - [Growling] 199 00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,511 - You don't even know, man. Hey, listen, man. 200 00:08:15,594 --> 00:08:17,981 You can't even win this 100-yard dash, 201 00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,349 but let me ask you a question. 202 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,618 What do they call that, a mustache? 203 00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:23,820 [Overlapping shouting] 204 00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:24,854 - [Growling] 205 00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:25,855 - See what I'm saying? 206 00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:27,513 - Aah! 207 00:08:27,597 --> 00:08:29,224 Aah! - Okay, all right, see... 208 00:08:29,308 --> 00:08:31,561 Relax, man. Hey, I need you to relax a little bit. 209 00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,029 - [Growling] 210 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,631 - I need you to take it down a little bit. 211 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:36,633 - Ahh! - What the fuck are you doing? 212 00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,636 I'm telling you, take... Can you take it down a little bit, man? 213 00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,070 - [Growls quieter] 214 00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:42,653 - Come on, what are you, a horse? 215 00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:45,950 - Aah! - That's the last one. 216 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,678 Yo, what's up, dog? You know my shit is rich 217 00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:50,546 I'm swimming in simoleons, I mean 218 00:08:50,629 --> 00:08:52,682 What am I supposed to do with this miniature black Napoleon? 219 00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:54,517 - [growling] 220 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,420 - All right. Yo! Hey, man. 221 00:08:57,503 --> 00:08:59,555 Hey, dog, get your... Hey, hey! 222 00:08:59,638 --> 00:09:01,858 I don't want no problems. I don't want no problems, man. 223 00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:03,159 Hey, hey, get your... 224 00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:05,094 - [growling] - I'm sorry, man. 225 00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:06,529 Look at that. Look at this. Look at this. 226 00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,898 Look at it. Look at it. Oh, oh, yeah. 227 00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:09,999 Go get it now, go get it. That's a boy. Oh. 228 00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,868 Yeah, man, here we go. 229 00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:13,936 Yeah, man, look at that chain and these fake-ass Timberlands 230 00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:16,439 - [growling] [Overlapping shouting] 231 00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,574 - I'm sorry. You okay? - I'm okay. 232 00:09:18,657 --> 00:09:20,510 - You all right? I'm sorry, man. I apologize. 233 00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,078 - Yo, man. What's wrong with him? 234 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:23,546 - Hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hey! 235 00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,549 - [Growling] 236 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,452 - I don't know what to... Why are you doing me? 237 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:30,743 - Aah! - Why would you... No, listen. 238 00:09:30,827 --> 00:09:33,930 - Aah! - No. No, no, no. Come on. 239 00:09:34,014 --> 00:09:37,368 - Aah! - [Shushing] 240 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,728 - All right, you guys gotta go, man. 241 00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:40,008 - No, come on, no, man. - No, man. 242 00:09:40,092 --> 00:09:42,512 No, you're all done, man. - Aah! 243 00:09:42,596 --> 00:09:44,232 - That's right, man. Yo, we got a champion still. 244 00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:45,401 We got a champion still right here. 245 00:09:45,484 --> 00:09:47,070 - Yeah, what's happening? 246 00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,905 Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. 247 00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:50,573 - [Growling] - Just give me the hat! 248 00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,275 Levi! Levi! 249 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:53,576 No, you're hitting people! 250 00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:55,040 Give me the fucking hat! 251 00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:56,646 [Gentle music] 252 00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:58,715 - [Sustained gibberish] 253 00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:00,883 - Listen. Hey, hey. Listen... Listen, man. 254 00:10:00,966 --> 00:10:03,086 I want you to look out on the lake, man. 255 00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,755 I just want you to look out and imagine a place, man, 256 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:06,823 where you can do your thing, man. 257 00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,128 - Ohh. 258 00:10:08,212 --> 00:10:09,759 - Where you and I could go and do our thing 259 00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:12,595 but never have to forfeit, yeah! - Yahh. 260 00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,297 - You could scream and shout and shove people 261 00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,214 back and forth, but we don't never have to quit. 262 00:10:16,298 --> 00:10:17,934 - Yeah! - But look out on the lake, man. 263 00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,832 Look out on the lake. - Ahh. 264 00:10:19,916 --> 00:10:22,137 - No matter what happens, man, I start rappin'. 265 00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,136 - Ha! 266 00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:24,807 - And my rhymes, they start to flow. 267 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:26,676 And I'm turning the tide. 268 00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,778 And no matter what you do, you can push and shove 269 00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:30,947 and scream, but we'll never get disqualified. 270 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,682 - La la la! 271 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,183 Ah ha ha ha! 272 00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:37,620 Yeah, yeah, ooh! Ha-ha! 273 00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,522 - Man, for good measure, while you're looking at the lake, 274 00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:41,624 just give me one more good "aah." 275 00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:42,792 - Aah... 276 00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,105 [gunshot] 277 00:10:50,157 --> 00:10:51,801 - You know what'd be great, is if there were 278 00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,870 other occupations that had hype men in them. 279 00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:54,993 - Yeah. - Like, you know what I mean? 280 00:10:55,077 --> 00:10:56,873 Like if a lawyer had a hype man, 281 00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,141 I think that would be great. - Yeah, that would... 282 00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,342 - That would really spice up 283 00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:00,884 the proceedings in a courtroom. 284 00:11:00,977 --> 00:11:04,797 - Your honor, I object. - Oh, ho ho! 285 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,233 Oh, he objects! 286 00:11:07,316 --> 00:11:09,269 He objects! 287 00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:13,654 - Not only is the prosecution being argumentative... 288 00:11:13,738 --> 00:11:15,408 - Oh ho ho! 289 00:11:15,491 --> 00:11:18,222 This shit is argumentative! 290 00:11:18,323 --> 00:11:21,744 [Laughter] 291 00:11:21,828 --> 00:11:24,316 - This next sketch is definitely going to get... 292 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,586 If you are a guy, it's going to get you in trouble right now. 293 00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:28,510 There's only one way to say it. - Yes, let me just throw it out. 294 00:11:28,594 --> 00:11:32,323 - So we recommend that you either leave the room, 295 00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:33,259 turn off the TV... 296 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:34,928 - Or play it coo... Play it cool. 297 00:11:35,344 --> 00:11:37,463 - Yeah, play it cool. - Just play it cool. 298 00:11:37,546 --> 00:11:38,631 - No, you're gonna want to watch it 299 00:11:38,714 --> 00:11:39,966 and maybe... maybe get... 300 00:11:40,049 --> 00:11:41,901 somehow get your lady out of the room. 301 00:11:41,984 --> 00:11:43,603 - No, gentlemen, I would suggest you take a diamond ring... 302 00:11:43,686 --> 00:11:46,272 - If you have one laying around. - Of a significant... 303 00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:49,649 of a significant carat. - Yeah. Oh, yes. 304 00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:51,177 - And just chuck it out a window... 305 00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:52,337 - Just throw it. 306 00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,080 - As far as you think you need to. 307 00:11:54,163 --> 00:11:56,324 - And she'll go, "What the... What you doing?" 308 00:12:00,462 --> 00:12:02,255 Hey, girl, I'm home. 309 00:12:02,338 --> 00:12:03,839 - Hey, boo. How you doing? 310 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,175 - Good. - How was work? 311 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,577 - Sucked. 312 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:10,079 - Aww. Can I ask you a quick question? 313 00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,514 - Yeah, sure. What up? 314 00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:14,260 - I've just been noticing that every time 315 00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:16,686 I leave to go out, the next time I open the computer, 316 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,860 the browser history's been cleared. 317 00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,325 - Hmm. That's weird. 318 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,626 - Yesterday, I went food shopping 319 00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:25,071 for, like, 15 minutes. 320 00:12:25,155 --> 00:12:26,841 I used the computer before I went to the store, 321 00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:29,465 and when I came back, my history was gone, 322 00:12:29,548 --> 00:12:32,168 the cache was cleared, and the cookies had been reset. 323 00:12:32,759 --> 00:12:33,641 - Hmm. 324 00:12:34,929 --> 00:12:37,181 [Suspenseful music] 325 00:12:37,751 --> 00:12:40,176 Well, I think sometimes the computer runs 326 00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,978 an automatic software update, 327 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:44,587 so maybe that just kind of clears the history. 328 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:47,183 - Yeah, except when you update the software, 329 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,352 a little window pops up, and you click "okay," 330 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,469 and then it gets installed, so... 331 00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:54,079 - Hmm. 332 00:12:56,407 --> 00:12:58,260 I don't know, maybe there's something wrong 333 00:12:58,343 --> 00:12:59,829 with the computer, you know? 334 00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,430 And it's just one of those things, 335 00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:03,265 whenever it gets interrupted from the power source, 336 00:13:03,348 --> 00:13:07,290 it has to reboot, and it just totally wipes out the history. 337 00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:11,423 - Be honest, babe. It's porn, right? 338 00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:14,276 - Porn? 339 00:13:14,359 --> 00:13:16,445 What's... Oh, pornography? 340 00:13:16,528 --> 00:13:17,469 No. 341 00:13:17,553 --> 00:13:19,415 - It's okay if you look at porn. 342 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,717 I assumed you did anyways. I mean, every guy does. 343 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,219 I'm perfectly okay with that, 344 00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,001 as long as it's not that weird stuff. 345 00:13:27,118 --> 00:13:29,358 Oh... all right. 346 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:30,743 Well, I mean, kinky's okay. 347 00:13:30,827 --> 00:13:32,290 I like kinky. 348 00:13:32,374 --> 00:13:35,719 As long as it's not that sick, twisted S&M stuff. 349 00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,720 Wow. Um... 350 00:13:41,804 --> 00:13:43,790 Okay, I'm not gonna judge your journey. 351 00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:45,491 It is your fantasy. 352 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,783 Just as long as you aren't looking at women who... 353 00:13:49,443 --> 00:13:51,028 Not women? 354 00:13:51,112 --> 00:13:53,498 Wow! Okay. 355 00:13:53,713 --> 00:13:56,402 Men? Chicks with dicks? 356 00:13:56,485 --> 00:13:59,971 Horses? Worse than horses? 357 00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:02,341 Wow. 358 00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,776 - Baby, give me a little credit. 359 00:14:05,432 --> 00:14:06,746 None of that matters. 360 00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,414 The only thing that matters is that when we're doing it, 361 00:14:08,497 --> 00:14:09,916 I'm thinking about you... 362 00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:13,057 and you're thinking about me, right? 363 00:14:15,712 --> 00:14:16,630 Right, baby? 364 00:14:16,714 --> 00:14:19,706 [Suspenseful music] 365 00:14:22,745 --> 00:14:24,430 [Soul music] 366 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:28,080 - You guys, uh, you guys know the film... 367 00:14:28,164 --> 00:14:29,935 The film musical Les Mls, right? 368 00:14:30,019 --> 00:14:32,572 People have seen that? - It came out kind of recently. 369 00:14:32,655 --> 00:14:34,941 We just know that so many girlfriends 370 00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:36,943 got their guy to see it by just being like, 371 00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:39,197 hey, your boy Wolverine is in there. 372 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,383 - Wha... No. No, he ain't. He ain't in there. 373 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,118 - Yes, he is. - Wolverine ain't in no Les Mls. 374 00:14:46,201 --> 00:14:48,020 - Your boy Wolverine. Ta-ching. Ta-ching. 375 00:14:48,103 --> 00:14:51,290 That's your boy. He in there. 376 00:14:51,373 --> 00:14:52,892 - He ain't in there. - He is in there, though. 377 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,574 - He ain't in there, though. - Yes, he is. 378 00:14:54,658 --> 00:14:57,063 - Who else in it? - Gladiator. 379 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,698 - Hell no. - Yes. 380 00:14:58,781 --> 00:15:00,132 That's your boy. 381 00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:02,201 Maximus is in the movie. 382 00:15:02,284 --> 00:15:03,469 - You ain't trying to trick me? 383 00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:04,979 - I ain't trying to trick you. 384 00:15:05,768 --> 00:15:07,645 - Well, let's go, then. - Let's go. 385 00:15:07,729 --> 00:15:10,947 - Ah, man, she's just... He's like, oh, man, come on. What? 386 00:15:12,197 --> 00:15:13,746 That ain't Wolverine. - That's Wolverine. 387 00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:15,281 - That ain't Wolverine, though. - That's Wolverine, though. 388 00:15:15,364 --> 00:15:17,116 - That ain't Wolverine, though. - Yes, it is. 389 00:15:17,199 --> 00:15:18,818 - No, that ain't Wolverine. - No, that's your man. 390 00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:20,386 That's your man. That's your dog. 391 00:15:20,469 --> 00:15:22,255 And, look, there Catwoman up on this bitch. 392 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,789 - Catwoman? - That's for you. 393 00:15:23,872 --> 00:15:25,657 I did this for you. - Oh, wait a minute. 394 00:15:25,741 --> 00:15:28,299 - I come to the movies for you. 395 00:15:28,978 --> 00:15:31,139 [Laughter and applause] 396 00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:38,216 [Bell tolling] 397 00:15:41,423 --> 00:15:44,065 - One at a time 398 00:15:44,426 --> 00:15:46,979 I put men like you 399 00:15:47,062 --> 00:15:50,737 Behind bars every day 400 00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:54,293 One at a time 401 00:15:54,377 --> 00:15:59,091 - Legateaux, you may take my years 402 00:15:59,174 --> 00:16:00,626 But cannot lock 403 00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:04,580 My soul away 404 00:16:05,229 --> 00:16:06,966 All the years I had to run 405 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,134 - I've chased you through the years 406 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,936 - So long ago it all began 407 00:16:10,019 --> 00:16:11,537 - Now your journey's at an end 408 00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:13,105 - In the shadows on my shame 409 00:16:13,188 --> 00:16:14,273 - You will pay for what you've done 410 00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:15,775 - But was I ever to blame? 411 00:16:15,858 --> 00:16:17,209 - Death will be your only friend 412 00:16:17,292 --> 00:16:18,644 - Do I let this fight end now? 413 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:19,979 - Do not interrupt me 414 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,480 - Just to end this life of pain 415 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:22,815 - Let me finish what I need to say 416 00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,383 - Will the end be welcome now? 417 00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:25,785 - Fine, I'll let you finish first 418 00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:27,320 - Will my journey be in vain? 419 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,654 - Don't let me get in your way 420 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:30,456 - I only stole a loaf of bread 421 00:16:30,539 --> 00:16:32,224 - Are you finished now? - All I needed 422 00:16:32,307 --> 00:16:34,160 To survive - Okay, now it's my turn 423 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,528 - If I end up in your cell 424 00:16:35,611 --> 00:16:36,963 - Can we have some give and take? 425 00:16:37,046 --> 00:16:38,397 - Why would I have stayed alive? 426 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,865 - Let me get in a word, at least 427 00:16:39,948 --> 00:16:42,635 - Do I tell him that I love him? 428 00:16:42,718 --> 00:16:45,137 Do I tell him of his child? 429 00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:47,139 - Now, where did this bitch come from? 430 00:16:47,222 --> 00:16:50,910 - I have no idea - One at a time 431 00:16:50,993 --> 00:16:53,045 - Will he ever know his daughter? 432 00:16:53,128 --> 00:16:54,413 - Lady, seriously, please hang on 433 00:16:54,496 --> 00:16:55,915 - Will he recognize her eyes? 434 00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,316 - It's hard enough to talk to him 435 00:16:57,399 --> 00:16:59,251 - Did you say my daughter? 436 00:16:59,334 --> 00:17:01,554 - Yours and mine - One at a time 437 00:17:01,637 --> 00:17:03,255 All: The trumpets call out freedom 438 00:17:03,338 --> 00:17:04,824 - This all has to happen on the same block? 439 00:17:04,907 --> 00:17:06,158 All: Let the marching shake the ground 440 00:17:06,241 --> 00:17:08,027 - Now this is just a joke 441 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,997 We could solve all of these issues if everyone just spoke 442 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,999 One at a time 443 00:17:13,082 --> 00:17:14,767 - Taking what we can, 'cause things are getting worse 444 00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:17,336 Taking what we can from every pocket and purse 445 00:17:17,419 --> 00:17:18,371 - One at a time 446 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,706 - The men have come 447 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,508 All: Their blood will spill 448 00:17:22,591 --> 00:17:24,110 - One at time 449 00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:25,945 - The years destroyed the man 450 00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:28,614 She knew before we parted 451 00:17:28,697 --> 00:17:30,950 All: And when love and war and blood and glory's 452 00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:32,885 Barracks have been climbed 453 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,621 We will die - I will love 454 00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:36,956 - Years, they pass 455 00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:39,030 - Can't we speak? 456 00:17:40,186 --> 00:17:41,093 All: One 457 00:17:41,176 --> 00:17:43,629 Both: Here we go again, popping in and out 458 00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:46,365 Don't have much to do with what this is about 459 00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:47,933 All: At a time 460 00:17:48,016 --> 00:17:53,906 - Why are we all facing the same way? 461 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:57,553 - Is the city on fire? What's with all the smoke? 462 00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,363 Oh, now we're all ears. 463 00:18:01,938 --> 00:18:03,098 Great. 464 00:18:04,488 --> 00:18:07,653 [Hail to the Chief playing] 465 00:18:07,736 --> 00:18:09,989 - Hello, my fellow Americans. 466 00:18:10,072 --> 00:18:13,084 With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther. 467 00:18:13,168 --> 00:18:13,926 - Hi! 468 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,262 - Now, the first year of my second term 469 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,329 has been a challenge. 470 00:18:17,412 --> 00:18:19,732 - Cluster... fuck! 471 00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:22,101 - Tonight, I'd like to address the concerns 472 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,503 of the American people over what they perceive 473 00:18:24,586 --> 00:18:26,939 as the U.S. Government spying on their digital 474 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,535 and electronic activities. 475 00:18:28,619 --> 00:18:31,844 - Man, y'all some deluded, self-important motherfuckers 476 00:18:31,927 --> 00:18:33,746 if you think we interested in your deviant, 477 00:18:33,829 --> 00:18:35,347 porn-watching asses! 478 00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:38,017 - I can assure you, the American people, 479 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,486 we are not reading every individual email. 480 00:18:40,569 --> 00:18:42,521 Rather, we're searching for key words 481 00:18:42,604 --> 00:18:44,156 that would indicate a threat. 482 00:18:44,239 --> 00:18:45,424 - And don't worry, everybody, 483 00:18:45,507 --> 00:18:47,860 those key words are not "girl on girl," 484 00:18:48,176 --> 00:18:51,197 anal, squirting, plopping. 485 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,113 - Hmm. "Plopping"? 486 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:54,867 - What the fuck is "plopping," 487 00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:56,238 you dirty motherfuckers? 488 00:18:56,322 --> 00:18:58,369 - These key words are being used, 489 00:18:58,453 --> 00:19:00,773 amongst other things, to prevent terrorists 490 00:19:00,856 --> 00:19:02,808 from using weapons of mass destruction. 491 00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,810 - Not prevent you from watching videos 492 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,812 of ass destruction! 493 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,315 - Now, these policies have already foiled 494 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,259 numerous terrorist plots. 495 00:19:11,343 --> 00:19:13,385 - These are not the kind of plots that y'all are used to, 496 00:19:13,468 --> 00:19:14,687 like when a guy comes in the door 497 00:19:14,770 --> 00:19:16,188 with his penis in a pizza box, 498 00:19:16,271 --> 00:19:17,623 and a lady sucks on it. 499 00:19:18,228 --> 00:19:19,325 - And I assure you 500 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:20,726 that the country's gotten safer 501 00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:22,561 since the end of the Bush era. 502 00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,877 - And I ain't talking about the President. Boop. 503 00:19:24,961 --> 00:19:28,167 - These policies have allowed us to probe and penetrate... 504 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,169 - I know y'all been probin... - Into the deep... No, Luther. 505 00:19:30,744 --> 00:19:32,338 Just, what I'm trying to say is 506 00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,141 that there have been numerous terrorist cells fingered... 507 00:19:35,224 --> 00:19:36,142 - You guys think... - And that... Luther. 508 00:19:36,225 --> 00:19:37,576 - Okay, Luther, 509 00:19:37,659 --> 00:19:39,411 why are you trying to undermine the President 510 00:19:39,494 --> 00:19:42,081 with your juvenile sexual innuendo? 511 00:19:42,164 --> 00:19:44,250 - The average American has nothing to fear 512 00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:45,478 from these policies. 513 00:19:45,562 --> 00:19:47,820 - Now! If we was drone-striking perverts, 514 00:19:47,903 --> 00:19:49,388 our country would look like 515 00:19:49,471 --> 00:19:51,524 Mad Max beyond Thunderdome right about now. 516 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,330 I'm talking about a postapocalyptic nightmare! 517 00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:56,262 - Thank you, and good night. 518 00:19:56,345 --> 00:19:57,345 - Go to sleep, y'all. 519 00:19:59,147 --> 00:20:00,266 - "Plopping"? - Oh, yes, sir. 520 00:20:00,349 --> 00:20:01,736 That's when you... 521 00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:02,752 - Oh. 522 00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:06,173 Y'all are some sick motherfuckers. 523 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,923 [Soul music] 524 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,246 [Upbeat music] 525 00:20:14,329 --> 00:20:15,381 526 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,283 - Welcome to Metta World News. 527 00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:21,767 Our top story: Why are people always trying to steal my magic? 528 00:20:22,713 --> 00:20:24,956 In other news, cat litter can be used 529 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,892 to blind people when fighting. 530 00:20:27,111 --> 00:20:29,228 Interesting. I didn't know that. 531 00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,964 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 532 00:20:32,047 --> 00:20:34,800 for this Wednesday, February biscuit fountain drink. 533 00:20:34,883 --> 00:20:37,431 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 534 00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:39,638 [Cheers and applause] - Thank you. 535 00:20:39,721 --> 00:20:40,906 Thank you. 536 00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:42,759 - All right. 537 00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:45,930 So now, everybody, it's time to... 538 00:20:46,014 --> 00:20:47,705 go straight to your computer 539 00:20:48,009 --> 00:20:49,648 and Google "plopping." 540 00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:51,917 [Laughter] Very sorry. 541 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:52,985 - Good night, everybody. - Thank you very much. 542 00:20:53,068 --> 00:20:55,400 - Good night. Thank you. 543 00:20:57,306 --> 00:21:00,226 - I'm gonna do my one line here 544 00:21:00,309 --> 00:21:02,241 - Oh, yeah. 545 00:21:04,246 --> 00:21:06,332 - You know, 21/2 hours into the movie, my man's talking about... 546 00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:08,134 - [sobbing] I came to see Wolverine! 547 00:21:08,217 --> 00:21:09,609 - You did. 548 00:21:09,693 --> 00:21:11,436 - He don't got his healing powers no more! 549 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,520 - That's your boy. I know, baby. 550 00:21:13,604 --> 00:21:14,923 - [Sobbing] He can't come back from the dead. 551 00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:15,842 - I know. 552 00:21:15,925 --> 00:21:17,501 - He trying to have a revolution! 553 00:21:17,585 --> 00:21:19,500 - I know. Let it out. Ripped By mstoll 554 00:21:19,586 --> 00:21:20,500 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 555 00:21:20,550 --> 00:21:25,100 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40441

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.