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1
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:03,839
- All right,
you're doing fine, sweetie.
2
00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:05,132
Now, Malia, let's just
go easy on the gas here
3
00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:06,755
and come to a complete stop.
4
00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:08,552
Hey!
5
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,636
Okay, so in the future,
you want to try
6
00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:12,471
not to go through
stop signs.
7
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,926
[Tires screeching]
8
00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:18,057
[Siren wailing]
Okay, just remain calm now,
9
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,015
and what you're gonna
want to do is pull up
10
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,015
right here
next to the curb.
11
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:26,187
This is... this is why
we want to stay in the lines
12
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,358
and we want to
follow rules, okay?
13
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:29,567
Remember this.
14
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,817
[Police chatter over radio]
15
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,040
- License
and registration.
16
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,661
Holy...
Mr. President!
17
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,959
- Yeah, yeah, just, uh,
teaching Malia to drive here.
18
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,214
- Well, you guys
ran a stop sign back there,
19
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,376
but that's okay.
You can go.
20
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:47,875
- Oh, no, no, no.
Malia's gotta learn
21
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,416
what it's like to drive
in the real world here.
22
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,430
This is called
consequences, Malia.
23
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,182
Now, I want you to go ahead
and treat us like you would
24
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:58,104
if I weren't
the President.
25
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,306
Not exactly
what I had in mind.
26
00:01:01,437 --> 00:01:04,307
[Soul music]
27
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:12,450
♪ ♪
28
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:27,038
[cheers and applause]
29
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:28,211
- Wow.
30
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,458
Thank you.
- Thank you.
31
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,010
Thank you so much.
32
00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,934
- All right.
- Welcome to the show.
33
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,302
- What is up?
I'm Jordan.
34
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,799
- I am Keegan,
and this is Key & Peele.
35
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,680
- Yes.
[Cheers and applause]
36
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,517
Thank you.
37
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:43,482
- So Jordan and I have known
each other for quite some time,
38
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,734
and there was a period of time
when we lived together
39
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:49,026
for about seven months,
uh, in his apartment.
40
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,611
How do I... What is the most
diplomatic way
41
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:52,777
to describe your apartment?
- Just say it.
42
00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:55,025
- Raw compost.
- Okay.
43
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,907
[Laughter]
44
00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,075
It's not that bad.
- It's... it is...
45
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,794
Dude, his kitchen...
46
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,624
Your kitchen and your bathroom
are health hazards.
47
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,580
Once... Jordan, one time
I was in there wa...
48
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,460
I went into the kitchen,
I said, "You know what?
49
00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,127
I'm gonna wash the dishes."
50
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,965
And I... oh.
- Okay.
51
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,431
- I, like, threw up
a little bit in my mouth
52
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:15,591
right now just thinking
about your kitchen.
53
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:17,929
- All right, no, I...
54
00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:23,475
I operate in
a very distinct ecosystem, okay?
55
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,942
Yes, there is
a little bit of mold,
56
00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,063
but the roaches
eat the mold, so...
57
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,530
and...
[audience groaning]
58
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,071
The mice eat the roaches.
I eat the mice.
59
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,566
Nants ingonya...
Circle of life, bitch.
60
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,067
That's all it is.
[Cheers and applause]
61
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,870
That's my house.
62
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,873
[Buzzer sounds on TV]
- Ooh, and that's halftime.
63
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,865
- Oh!
- What?
64
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,867
- Oh, my gosh!
- What a half!
65
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,749
- That is crazy!
- Oh, my god.
66
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,836
- Oh, my gosh.
- Hey, uh...
67
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,802
forgot to tell ya,
congratulations
68
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,552
on getting the new job.
- Oh, thanks, man.
69
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,134
I appreciate it.
- Awesome, that's awesome.
70
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,469
- Yeah, and thank you
for inviting me over here
71
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:58,183
to the game today.
- Oh, no problem.
72
00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,853
I mean,
you're my best friend.
73
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,062
- Wow, thanks, man.
Hey, you know what?
74
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,221
You're my best friend too.
75
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,429
- Cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
76
00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:06,559
- Wrote a song about it.
- [Laughs]
77
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,937
- Not gonna sing it or anything,
'cause that would be gay.
78
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,864
- [Laughing]
That's pretty gay.
79
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,233
- All right,
I'll give it a shot.
80
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,739
[Clears throat]
81
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,990
♪ Wally,
you're my best friend ♪
82
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:25,249
♪ Together we can
change the world ♪
83
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,122
♪ We've been together
through thick and thin ♪
84
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,750
♪ Playing ball
and talking to girls ♪
85
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,588
♪ Wally,
I'm so proud of you ♪
86
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,375
♪ You know you've taken
all of my advice ♪
87
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,390
- Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop.
What advice?
88
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:44,772
- Oh, um...
it's just a song, dude.
89
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,982
I mean, like,
can I finish?
90
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,141
- Yep.
- And then we can?
91
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,309
- O-okay.
- All right.
92
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,227
[Clears throat]
93
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,145
♪ You've done everything
I've asked of you ♪
94
00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:56,565
♪ And you never,
ever questioned twice ♪
95
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,145
- What are you
talking about?
96
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:03,830
♪ Thank you for doing
what I told you to ♪
97
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:08,962
♪ Your achievements
are also mine ♪
98
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,632
♪ My padawan ♪
99
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,171
♪ You make
your sensei proud ♪
100
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,455
♪ Living your life
living your life ♪
101
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,879
[low]
Two, three, four...
102
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:21,797
♪ Living your life
to my design ♪
103
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,929
- That was the weirdest song
I've ever heard in my life, so...
104
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,637
- ♪ You have listened
to your elders ♪
105
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,228
- I'm older than you!
- ♪ Never forget ♪
106
00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:31,603
♪ The words I say ♪
- Okay, I, uh,
107
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,020
don't like your song,
so I'm gonna bounce.
108
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,938
- ♪ You are a product
of my creation ♪
109
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,937
- What? No I'm not.
- ♪ I have shown you the way ♪
110
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,110
- Except for that you haven't.
You haven't.
111
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,858
- ♪ Modulate ♪
112
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,410
- You just say
what you're doing?
113
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,993
- ♪ Like the white wolf
guides his cubs ♪
114
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,908
♪ Through the plains
of the caribou ♪
115
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:50,037
- Shut up!
116
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:55,288
- ♪ I have done
all I can ♪
117
00:04:55,420 --> 00:05:01,050
♪ The rest is up to ♪
118
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,216
[falsetto]
♪ You ♪
119
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,926
My wolf cub
is all grown up.
120
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:09,636
[Shudders]
121
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,062
- Come on,
this is some...
122
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,438
My man's been up there
ten minutes.
123
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,024
- Okay, clear.
[Beep]
124
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,029
Okay, the number pressing now.
[Beep]
125
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,651
No, just hold on a second,
Malia, all right?
126
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,490
Just gotta...
[beeping]
127
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:27,366
Sorry, everyone,
it's taking so long.
128
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,084
[Crowd fawning]
- Oh, my god, Obama!
129
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:32,995
Obama!
How you doing, sir?
130
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:34,495
- It's me.
131
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,456
Just showing my daughter
how to use the ATM...
132
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,877
having a little trouble
with the machine.
133
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,166
- Oh, you having trouble
with the machine?
134
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,418
Oh, man,
we'll chip in!
135
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,590
We'll chip in
right now, man,
136
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:43,758
then you can
be on your way!
137
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,635
- No, no,
no, no, no.
138
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,182
I'm trying to show Malia
what life is like
139
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,965
in the real world here,
all right?
140
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,679
So just do me a favor,
treat me like you would
141
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,689
anyone else in this situation.
- Okay. Yes, sir.
142
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:55,481
Yes, sir.
All right.
143
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,475
Hurry up, man!
Is your tie stuck
144
00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,317
in the damn machine?
What are you doing, man?
145
00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:01,613
People trying
to get they money up here!
146
00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:03,697
- Not exactly
what I had in mind.
147
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,322
[Crowd heckling]
148
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,199
- Go on then!
149
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,115
Didn't even get your money.
- Dad! Dad!
150
00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,334
Dad! Dad!
151
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,584
[Beeping]
152
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,746
- Come on, girl,
hurry up, man.
153
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,214
You got seven... Oh, okay, no.
154
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,583
Take your time.
Take your time.
155
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,210
Take your time.
156
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,552
[Soul music]
157
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,014
[Cheers and applause]
158
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,514
- Now, uh, Keegan and I always
have a fun time
159
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,467
discussing the crappy apartments
we've lived in...
160
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,968
- Yes.
- In our lives.
161
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,519
- Right, and I was
just telling you recently
162
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,942
about how in '97
I moved into an apartment
163
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,733
with two friends
in my hometown of Detroit.
164
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:44,607
And, uh, we got broken into
five times in six weeks.
165
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,108
It's gotta be a record.
166
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,779
- I don't see
how that's possible.
167
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,448
- Yeah, uh, it's Detroit,
so... [mutters]
168
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,447
And the first time
we got broken into...
169
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:53,829
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, the cops came in,
170
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:56,115
they're examining
the apartment,
171
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,829
and they're making their way
out of the apartment.
172
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:02,839
There is a bloody fingerprint
on the wall.
173
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,474
And so I said to the cop,
"Um, excuse me, you know,
174
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,722
"I just wanted to point out
that there's a fingerprint here
175
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,604
if maybe you wanted
to dust that or something."
176
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:11,181
- Mm-hmm, straight evidence.
- Yeah.
177
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,676
This is what he says to me.
He goes, "Aw, naw, man.
178
00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:15,139
That... that's just on TV."
179
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,808
[Laughter]
180
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,938
What?
181
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,397
- What are we doing
in this neighborhood?
182
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,989
- Come on, this place
is in our price range.
183
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,655
Besides, I mean,
people say the neighborhood's
184
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:33,583
turning around.
- Who the fuck here?
185
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,123
It's Jordan and Keira.
186
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:40,247
We're here to view
the apartment at 3:00.
187
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:43,627
- [Laughs]
Oh, shit, my bad.
188
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:46,335
I had this homeless crackhead
trying to set up house
189
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,506
in here yesterday.
Almost had to beat his ass, man.
190
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:50,966
But y'all ain't got nothing
to worry about,
191
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,596
'cause anybody
try to get up in here,
192
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,772
I will murder them.
193
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,681
Let me give
y'all the tour.
194
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,890
All right, so we got
these vintage windows.
195
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,860
They been here as long as
the building's been here.
196
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,521
[Car approaching]
Oh, shit!
197
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,319
Get away from the window!
Get away from the window!
198
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,032
Hey! Hey!
199
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,113
You, motherfucker!
I see you out there!
200
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,488
You get out that car,
and I will murder you!
201
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,655
[Engine revving,
tires squeal]
202
00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,033
That's what I thought!
203
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,120
So roll on,
little nigga!
204
00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:18,115
Roll on!
205
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,368
My nephew, Craig.
206
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,590
He a good kid.
207
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:26,171
He smoke crack, though.
208
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,763
Just, uh... Just in case
he come back.
209
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,175
- Uh...
- And I filed the serial number
210
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:32,973
off that,
so if you gotta shoot anybody,
211
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,506
just make sure
to wipe your fingerprints
212
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,059
off this motherfucker.
213
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,104
Well, come on, y'all.
I ain't gonna bite you.
214
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,018
Brand-new cupboards.
215
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,227
I put the contact paper
in myself here
216
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,107
so y'all don't get no germs.
[Car approaching]
217
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,284
Get down!
218
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:52,622
[Hip-hop music playing outside]
219
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,281
Nah, ain't no thing.
220
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,579
I thought Craig
was rolling back.
221
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,413
I ain't getting shot by
this motherfucker twice, damn.
222
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,499
While we down here,
check this out.
223
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:03,956
Original hardwood floor
224
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,585
from when the building
was built.
225
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,672
Check out
this grain, brother.
226
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,797
Whoo!
That is craftsmanship!
227
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:10,965
Anyway, come on.
228
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:14,182
[Grunting]
229
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:17,974
Now, this paint
is all new, and...
230
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,519
Aw, shit.
231
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:23,314
Okay, this... this happened
after I had painted.
232
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,978
Funny story, we got crackheads
in this neighborhood,
233
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,437
and one of them lived
right next door here, right?
234
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,898
And one day, he was smoking
crack, just went looney tunes
235
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,109
and mistook his 9mm...
236
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,200
that's a pistol, honey...
for the remote control.
237
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,235
But don't worry, you ain't
never gonna see him again.
238
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:40,959
[Intense]
Ain't nobody ever...
239
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,461
gonna see him...
240
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,753
again.
241
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,878
Plus, I'm gonna
put a fancy little hook in there
242
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,585
and turn it
into a hat rack.
243
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:53,675
No let's take a look
at this bedroom.
244
00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,092
What the fuck?
245
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,720
- I found this place first!
246
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,846
- Found it?
Man, I own this place!
247
00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:00,394
Can y'all give me a second?
248
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:03,557
Aah!
[Grunts, impacts]
249
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,147
You gonna bite me,
motherfucker?
250
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,902
I will cut you
with my sword cane!
251
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:10,193
Aah!
252
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:13,318
- [Shuddering]
253
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,856
- So that's gonna be first month
and last month's rent
254
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:17,161
and one-month
security deposit.
255
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,914
I'll get
the paperwork started.
256
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,380
- Okay, baby,
let's hit this rock real quick.
257
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:32,883
- And now we have
a special treat.
258
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,928
Hold on
to your yarmulkes, okay?
259
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:39,352
"From east to west,
you know they're the best.
260
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,972
Getting you in the zone
for your milestone."
261
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,390
Is that cute?
262
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:47,768
Please welcome Gafilta Fresh
and Dr. Dreidel!
263
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:52,067
[Hip-hop music]
- Yeah!
264
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,653
What's up,
Temple Beth Israel?
265
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,859
- Yo, is there
a Daniel Rosenblum
266
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,370
in the hizzouse?
267
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,741
- Oh, yeah!
- What's up, man?
268
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,538
- Aw, yeah!
What's up, my man?
269
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,371
Yeah, all right!
- All right!
270
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,536
[Hip-hop remix
of Hava Nagila plays]
271
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,456
- When you see
black people at a bar mitzvah,
272
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:09,625
it's very exciting.
273
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,213
It's like a scary ride.
274
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,798
And the kids just love it.
275
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,422
- Right now,
we are the number-one
276
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:17,549
bar/bat mitzvah party motivators
in all of Nassau County.
277
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,847
- I mean, you got
the Bat Mizzles, you know?
278
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:23,352
Oys to Men, you know?
All of them coming through
279
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,635
like
[Yiddsh pronunciation]
280
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,269
With the recycled dreck.
281
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,845
- And I mean,
the chutzpah of these guys
282
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,770
with their fakakta shtick.
283
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,859
It's a real shanda
on what it's supposed to be.
284
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,534
- A simcha.
- Yeah.
285
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,492
- It's supposed to be a simcha.
- Mm-hmm.
286
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,323
- You just really
can't put a price
287
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:39,948
on the look
on your child's face
288
00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:42,155
when they see a black person
for the first time.
289
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,745
It's...
[t-shirt gun fires]
290
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:48,671
It's just magical, really.
291
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,252
Is he getting back up or what?
292
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,667
- We are not
technically chosen.
293
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,375
- We're chosen
by the chosen.
294
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,955
- Which is kind of better
than being just the chosen.
295
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,591
- That's right.
It's less responsibility.
296
00:11:58,718 --> 00:11:59,758
- Jews are like black people,
297
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,006
but we were black people
298
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,927
before there were
black people.
299
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,556
Um... well, I guess
that's not true.
300
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:05,852
They were just in a...
[t-shirt gun fires]
301
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,175
Different part of,
uh, the world.
302
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,520
Oh, black people
coming to get me! Help!
303
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:12,516
[Hava Nagila remix plays]
304
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:13,939
♪ ♪
305
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,687
- Yeah, you know it!
306
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:19,279
[Cheers and applause]
307
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,026
We find it
spiritually intoxicating,
308
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,908
we find it
culturally fascinating,
309
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,616
and we find it
monetarily exhilarating.
310
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,457
Both: ♪ When we say Sarah
you say Schwartzman ♪
311
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,673
Sarah!
All: Schwartzman.
312
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:32,843
Both: Sarah!
All: Schwartzman.
313
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,501
- Yeah!
- There you go, yeah!
314
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,379
- I mean, the fact
that we're willing to put forth
315
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,716
the extra time
is what sets us apart.
316
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,932
- I mean, how often
is a 13-year-old
317
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,352
gonna hear their own name?
318
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,521
- We learn that name.
We rehearse it.
319
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,811
Go, Daniel!
Go, Daniel!
320
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:53,186
- Judaism can be
a very somber religion.
321
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,734
- That's right.
You know, something
322
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:58,318
we learned along the way
is that the word "ghetto"
323
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:01,945
means something very different
to these people.
324
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,663
- To tell you the truth,
I was a little nervous
325
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,833
about the whole thing.
No, not because they were black,
326
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,792
but because
you never really know
327
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,872
what those kind of people
are gonna do.
328
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:13,418
- If we can add some fun,
some life, some color
329
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:17,713
to a Jewish person's life
when they're still young...
330
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,339
- They might not grow up
and run away from black people
331
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,216
when they see them.
- No, maybe they won't...
332
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:25,893
- Or, uh...
- Fire people so willy-nilly
333
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,224
when they're older.
334
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:32,189
- We provide a service
to these people.
335
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,402
[Party music playing]
336
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,612
Yeah!
337
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,692
We motivate parties.
338
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,277
- That's we do.
339
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,072
- That's we do.
We motivate parties.
340
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:47,197
♪ ♪
341
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,829
[soul music]
342
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,457
- So we're fascinated
with movies these days,
343
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,035
because movies
have gone crazy.
344
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,710
- Oh, yeah.
- They have the 3-D,
345
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,588
amazing effects,
amazing sound.
346
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,625
They spend so much money,
and it looks so good.
347
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,929
Why can't they just get the
simple shit right, though?
348
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:07,144
You know what
I'm talking about?
349
00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:09,313
- The next time
you go to a movie,
350
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,772
when you watch
somebody on the phone,
351
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,102
I guarantee you
they will not say good-bye.
352
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,728
- Yes.
- It won't happen.
353
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,355
"Honey, I promise you
that I will be home
354
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,864
for you and the kids
on Thanksgiving."
355
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:24,396
[Laughter]
356
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,071
- You can't...
357
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,119
you can't
get away with that.
358
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,913
You never see the scene
where somebody calls back
359
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,116
talking about...
[mimics dialing tones]
360
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,286
"Why'd you hang up on me?"
361
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:33,793
- "Oh, I was just... what?
362
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:35,075
I didn't...
what are you talking about?"
363
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,078
[Cheers and applause]
364
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,960
- Or my favorite is after
a shower, or love-making,
365
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:43,799
how come every person
in the film, when they get out,
366
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,125
just immediately put this...
- Towel, towel.
367
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,551
Talking about
in your own house by yourself!
368
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,970
No.
369
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,678
I get out of the shower,
I'm ass-naked
370
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:52,848
all over the place.
- Yes!
371
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,346
Oh, dude, if I'm home alone,
372
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,307
I will put my balls
on a bookshelf.
373
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,847
I don't care.
[Laughter]
374
00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:01,191
I'll just make something up
because I can.
375
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,954
- [Grunts]
376
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,405
Please! No!
377
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:12,413
No!
378
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:18,537
- [Laughing]
379
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,755
- What... what's the joke?
380
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:26,933
- What?
381
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,591
- I-I don't get it.
382
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,430
- Man, you shot
that damn fool!
383
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:34,805
[Laughing]
384
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,604
- Oh...
385
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,309
yeah, no.
I still don't get it.
386
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,609
- Hey, man,
ain't nothing to get.
387
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,362
Shit is just funny, man.
388
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,784
Dude can't snitch now.
389
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:48,242
[Laughing]
390
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:52,374
- [Laughing nervously]
391
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:53,543
- Man, don't fake laugh.
392
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,001
- Huh?
393
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,621
- That's not real.
I can tell.
394
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,709
- No, I think
it's really funny.
395
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,174
- No, you don't.
396
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,384
Look at him!
Sitting there all dead.
397
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:09,545
[Laughing]
- [Laughing tentatively]
398
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:13,347
He was 20,
and now he's dead.
399
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,853
Ain't never gonna have
a wife or kids now.
400
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,595
- Man, what are you doing?
Wife and kids?
401
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,188
That shit ain't funny.
402
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,773
- [Chuckling]
403
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:26,229
His mom and dad ain't
never gonna see him again.
404
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:29,111
- No. No.
405
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,818
You're ruining it for me.
406
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,278
- Okay, well, I guess
I just don't get it then.
407
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,789
- It's just
that you shot him.
408
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,291
That's all!
That's the whole thing!
409
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,952
- Oh, okay, so...
410
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,371
- Oh!
411
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,039
The hell
is wrong with you?
412
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,417
You don't shoot a dude
that's already dead!
413
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:43,593
That's not funny!
414
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,761
- Oh.
Aah!
415
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:50,681
- [Laughing]
- Oww!
416
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:53,102
- Yeah, I guess
I just don't get it.
417
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,265
[Soul music]
418
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,353
- So you have to tell
every human being in the world
419
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,479
that their baby is cute
whether it is true or not.
420
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,977
You just have to.
421
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,740
- Keegan Michael-Key,
nicest guy in the world,
422
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,321
just outed himself
as somebody who doesn't
423
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,696
find all babies cute.
424
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:12,863
- Well, I mean,
what am I supposed to do?
425
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,030
Go down the street,
you know,
426
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,198
you see a lady
with her stroller.
427
00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,576
"Oh, hi."
And you peer in,
428
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,413
and there's just, like,
an infant body
429
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,208
and then Steve Buscemi's head.
- Yeah, you don't...
430
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:23,631
[laughter]
431
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,841
- That's rough.
You can't go,
432
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,421
"Whoa!"
433
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,206
- No, yeah.
- That's mean.
434
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,379
- Yeah, you don't want to
be picking up a little baby
435
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:31,878
with the head
of Newt Gingrich,
436
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,799
'cause that's
just unattractive.
437
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,508
You don't want to see that.
438
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,098
- I don't want to see
a lady breastfeeding, you know,
439
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,814
just right here...
[tongue clicks]
440
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:40,984
Danny Devito.
- Yeah.
441
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,852
- [Shudders]
442
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,149
- There's nothing cute about
a 3-foot-tall Forest Whitaker.
443
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,613
- No, there isn't.
[Laughter]
444
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,114
No, there's not.
445
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,605
- Talking about
"Ga-ga goo-goo."
446
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,819
[Laughter]
447
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,909
"Ga-ga goo-goo."
448
00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,575
- Mrs. Whitaker, I have
been babysitting for 20 years.
449
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:01,995
I've seen it all.
450
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:05,753
- The thing is,
Forest is a unique child.
451
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:07,127
- Everything
is gonna be fine.
452
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,593
I want you to have
a good time tonight.
453
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,053
You deserve it.
454
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,423
- Okay, um...
455
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:16,390
good luck.
- Thank you.
456
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,144
[Sighs]
457
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:26,274
[Eerie music]
458
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:28,897
♪ ♪
459
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:34,905
- Goo-goo ga-ga.
[Heavy footsteps]
460
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,321
- [Recoils]
461
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,950
Hey there, Forest.
462
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,827
- Goo-goo ga-ga.
463
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,914
I want...
464
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,790
I want milk.
465
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,787
- You want me to get you
your bottle, buddy?
466
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:51,459
- I want milk!
- Okay.
467
00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:58,138
- This is a ba-ba.
468
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,222
I want mama's milk.
469
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:03,138
Why can't I have
mama's milk?
470
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,517
It's a simple request.
471
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,354
- Well, yeah, well, uh,
472
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,899
y-you can't have mama's milk
right now, buddy.
473
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:10,323
Um, how about we play?
474
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,151
- Okay.
475
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,816
I want...
476
00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:15,945
I want... I wanna play
with my Legos.
477
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,452
- Okay, yeah.
478
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:21,123
Okay, buddy, let's, uh,
get your Legos then.
479
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:22,664
- I wanna...
480
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,497
I wanna put
the smallest Lego in my mouth.
481
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,003
That's what I'm gonna do.
- No, no, no.
482
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,384
You can't... you can't do that.
- What?
483
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,752
First you tell me
I can't have mama's milk.
484
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:35,509
Now I can't have
the smallest Lego in my mouth?
485
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,723
What a night.
486
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,764
This is a bad start.
487
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,967
- Wait, but Forest,
it's dangerous.
488
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,348
- Let me get this straight.
489
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:46,774
You're in charge of me?
In my house?
490
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,234
- All right, F-Forest,
i-it's time for bed.
491
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,274
- I guess then
you gonna sing me a song.
492
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:52,939
- What?
493
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,937
- Mama always sings me a song
before I go to sleep.
494
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,780
Are you gonna
do that for me?
495
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,655
- Okay, okay.
Yeah.
496
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:02,492
Yes, I will.
497
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:06,538
♪ Hush, little baby
don't say a word ♪
498
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,084
- Keep... keep singing.
499
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,628
- ♪ Mama's gonna
buy you a mockingbird ♪
500
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,053
- Put my name in it.
501
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,882
I like... I like it personal.
502
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:21,968
- ♪ Hush, baby Forest Whitaker
don't say a word ♪
503
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,506
- Goo-goo ga-ga.
504
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:27,099
- ♪ Mama's gonna
buy you a mockingbird ♪
505
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,726
- Good babysitter.
506
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:32,063
- ♪ And if that mockingbird
don't sing ♪
507
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,269
- Have a good cry.
508
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,230
- [Sobbing]
♪ Mama's gonna buy you ♪
509
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,110
♪ A diamond ring ♪
510
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,744
[cheers and applause]
511
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,789
- We have had
a great show tonight.
512
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,123
- Yes.
- Uh...
513
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,917
so great that
I wrote a song about it.
514
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:51,211
- Nope. Nope.
No, no, no, no.
515
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,004
Thank you.
Good night, everybody!
516
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:55,378
[Cheers and applause]
- You don't want to hear it?
517
00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,674
- I don't want
to hear the song.
518
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,678
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
519
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,351
- Oh, yeah.
520
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,265
- We got broken into
four more times after that.
521
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,481
- Basically, every junkie
in the neighborhood
522
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,641
was coming on.
- Oh, no, no, no.
523
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,059
Same guy each time.
524
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,518
It was the same guy
five times in a row.
525
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,269
- Basically,
you were this guy's Best Buy.
526
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,690
- Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah.
- I love it.
37886
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