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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,291 - The zombies have broken through! 2 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,209 I repeat, zombies! 3 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,258 - Aah! - Oh, my God! 4 00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,013 Tommy's been bit! 5 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:13,135 [Audio slows down] 6 00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:19,851 [Audio at normal speed] 7 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,058 - Aah, damn! 8 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,808 [Screams in background] 9 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,610 Damn it! No, no, no! 10 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,653 - What are you waiting for? You know what you have to do! 11 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,027 - No, I ca... I ca... I can't do it. 12 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,703 - D... do what? 13 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,452 - You have to do it! He's been bit! 14 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:34,703 - Yes... aah! Aah! Unh! Aah! 15 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,487 - No, no, no! - Forgive me, Tommy! 16 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,910 - No, no, no, no, no! 17 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,038 [All screaming] 18 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,916 - [Panting] 19 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,625 - [Crying] Oh, no! 20 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,375 - Aah! 21 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:52,467 I ca... I can't believe the zombies bit him! 22 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:57,774 - [Crying] It wasn't a zombie, it was a raccoon. 23 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,181 [Crying] 24 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,731 Zombies and raccoons, right? 25 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,490 No, it's just zombies? 26 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,485 [Crying] 27 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,748 Oh, shit, you just killed Tommy. 28 00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:20,962 [Soul music] 29 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:29,091 ♪ ♪ 30 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:44,773 [cheers and applause] 31 00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,517 - Yeah! 32 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,358 Thank you! 33 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:49,864 - Thank you. 34 00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,195 - Welcome to the show everybody, I am Keegan. 35 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:53,611 - And I am Jordan. 36 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,029 - And this is Key & Peele. - Yes. 37 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,947 - So thanks for coming out. - Thank you. 38 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,195 Now I just wanna start off by saying 39 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,248 we are huge horror movie fans. - Yes. 40 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,211 - We love horror movies. - We love the slashers. 41 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,122 - Don't know if anybody's seen... - Skite... skite... skite... skite! 42 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,250 - Yeah, that's our jam right there. 43 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,207 [Laughter] 44 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:10,798 - I don't know if anyone's seen that movie Candyman? 45 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,473 That's one of our favorites, Candyman. 46 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,142 That's the movie where you say "Candyman" five times 47 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:20,182 into a mirror in the bathroom, and a black dude 48 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,557 from the 19th century with a hook for a hand 49 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,484 and bees all over his face comes out, and he kills you. 50 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,904 That's just relevant because if you watched that movie, 51 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,273 and you went home and you said "Candyman" five times 52 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,740 into a mirror, you are a white person. 53 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,452 - Yes, a black person would never do that. 54 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,912 - Nope, we don't do that. 55 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,912 - We do not take chances with the supernatural. 56 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,744 Just in case. 57 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,579 - Well, the last thing that came along that we didn't understand 58 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,414 ended up bringing us to America, so that was kind of 59 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,080 a fucked up situation. 60 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:50,128 [Laughter] 61 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:53,014 That's why street magicians, like, on the street... 62 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,881 Like, a black person, we will just excuse ourselves... 63 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,469 - Oh, no, we will vacate the premises. 64 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,514 - From that whole situation. It would be like this... 65 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:00,758 "Was the four of clubs your card?" 66 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,059 - "Oh, hell no. You a demon, so..." 67 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,306 - But, babe, moving out? 68 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,319 Please, this is the worst possible time. 69 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,442 Please don't do this. 70 00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:15,900 Babe? 71 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,579 [Sighs] 72 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,411 - Garbage. - Huh? 73 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,697 - Can I take your garbage? 74 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:28,040 - Yeah, sure. 75 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,456 - [Chuckles] 76 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:34,665 You know, I find the more garbage in the can, 77 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:40,088 the better it feels to dump it all out. 78 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,260 I suppose that's why we let it get so full 79 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:46,349 in the first place. 80 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,596 So we can start over. 81 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,322 - Here to fix the copier. - Yeah, sure, sure. 82 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,026 Hey, how did you... 83 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,156 - Sometimes things ain't really broken. 84 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,493 It's the way we treat 'em 85 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:07,039 that needs to be fixed. 86 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,084 [Machine starts] 87 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:14,498 Heh. [Whistles] 88 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:18,880 [Chuckles] 89 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,889 - Who the hell are you guys? 90 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:25,811 Both: The important question is who are you, Steve? 91 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,603 [Ominous music] 92 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,897 - Well, if it isn't Mr. Stanley. 93 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,573 - Carl. 94 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,572 [Ominous music continues] 95 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,105 ♪ ♪ 96 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:43,818 - You need to find your own troubled white boy. 97 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,963 - I was here first. 98 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,088 Copycat! 99 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,756 - Aagh! [Coughs] 100 00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:04,546 [Heavy breathing] 101 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,100 Sweep this... 102 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,313 bitch! 103 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,312 - Unh! 104 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:13,774 - [Chuckles] 105 00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,148 Uh-oh. - Hah! 106 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,485 - Whoa! Unh! [Groans] 107 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,821 - [Chuckles] 108 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,090 - Damn! 109 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,252 Chesterfield! 110 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,720 [Whistles, bird screeches] 111 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,012 Both: There can be only one 112 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,546 magical negro! 113 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,770 Hunh! 114 00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:56,191 [Intense opera music] 115 00:05:56,314 --> 00:06:03,244 ♪ ♪ 116 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:07,833 - [wild whistling] 117 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,951 Both: Yaarrgh! 118 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,710 [Horns honking, car alarms blaring] 119 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,678 - Good lord. 120 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,104 Are you all right? 121 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:36,314 Well, I guess sometimes things have to come apart 122 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,318 before we can put 'em back together again. 123 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,821 - Oh, you're a magical negro too. 124 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,414 - Who you callin' "negro," bitch? 125 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,871 - So Keegan's the nicest guy in the world. 126 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,457 Too nice, though. - You think I'm too nice. 127 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,172 - Sometimes you're too nice. - Okay. 128 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,882 - That one time we went to a restaurant. 129 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,382 We're starving, and we are going to a restaurant, 130 00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,005 and there is a woman outside the door 131 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:04,511 of the restaurant with a clipboard 132 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,183 talking about giving money for homeless kids. 133 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,551 - Very nice girl, Very sweet girl. 134 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,757 - I don't care, I don't care. 135 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:09,927 - Very sweet. - Of course she's sweet. 136 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,465 I don't care. 137 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,968 You do not stop for a bitch with a clipboard. 138 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,311 - Jordan... - Don't do it, Keegan. 139 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,766 - Let's talk about what you did. 140 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,306 Let's talk about what he did for a second. 141 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,769 This is my man right here... my man just said, 142 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,229 "Just so you know, it's a no for me." 143 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,859 [Imitates doorbell] 144 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,655 Excuse me, uh-huh, mm-hmm. 145 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,071 - Look at that. - Mm-mm, mm-mm. 146 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,529 Mm, thank you, mm! 147 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,699 - Well, that's because... No, that's because 148 00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:32,867 you have to know... 149 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,454 - Yeah, mm-hmm, mmm! 150 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,749 - That's because I know he's gonna be out there 151 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,082 for the next 48 minutes talking about, 152 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,037 "Fascinating, fascinating. 153 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,457 "Why aren't these kids housed? 154 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,206 "What's wrong? I wanna know. 155 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,548 "I wanna know all the info. 156 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,923 "What are their names? One at a time. 157 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,509 "Give them to me, alphabetical. 158 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,184 "No, I'll remember them. I have a good memory. 159 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,102 "I'll give you my email, I'll give you my sosh. 160 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,432 Do they have a father figure?" 161 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,637 "My name's Keegan. 162 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,177 I'll give it to 'em." 163 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,350 [Laughter] 164 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,149 - All right. Where you headed, youngster? 165 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:04,153 - Yeah I'm headed to the Cobo building on Jefferson. 166 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,316 - All right, yeah, Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue. 167 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,614 Mm-hmm. 168 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,778 So, uh, what you in Detroit for? 169 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,447 - Uh, gotta do a presentation. 170 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:16,746 - All right, okay. Yeah, a presentation, okay. 171 00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:18,412 What are you presenting? 172 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,880 - Uh, actually it's about how market research 173 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,841 can be interpreted with out-of-the-box solutions. 174 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,002 - Oh, all right, so you're gonna get this all 175 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:28,340 outside the box, all right. 176 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,046 - Most people think that all customers 177 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,837 are a single demographic. 178 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,720 - Oh, okay, you're trying to get all them demographics 179 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,137 up in here, all right. 180 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,135 All right, yeah. 181 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,307 - Online trends are less linear than... 182 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,606 - Oh, okay, online... trends. 183 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,361 Linear, mm-hmm. 184 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,363 - [Scoffs] 185 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:50,315 I'm also thinking about doing the presentation naked. 186 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,697 - Ooh. - Just no clothes on. 187 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,533 - Oh, yeah, yeah, naked presentation. 188 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,368 No clothes on, that's good. 189 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,163 - Afterward, I might just piss on the floor 190 00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,458 in front of everyone. 191 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,001 - Oh, yeah, okay, all right. 192 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,214 Pissing right there up in front of everybody. 193 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,964 All right, sounds good. 194 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,835 - Then I might just shoot everybody in the place, 195 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,212 you know. 196 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,709 With the gun I'm hiding in my ass. 197 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,920 - Yeah, yeah, gun way up in that ass. 198 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,630 That's the way to do it. 199 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,890 - Cut my victims' faces off, wear them as masks. 200 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,972 - Mm-hmm, yeah, masks go on the face. 201 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,387 Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. 202 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,806 - [Speaking German] Ich bin ein schein. Heil Hitler. 203 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,396 - Yep, okay, heil Hitler to you too. 204 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,731 - Heh. 205 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,856 - All right, here we are. 206 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,895 Oh, by the way. 207 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,320 When you kill those people with your ass gun, 208 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,949 make sure to use a serrated blade 209 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,236 to cut their faces off. 210 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,869 [Ominous music] 211 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,155 Auf wiedersehen. 212 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,170 [German national anthem] 213 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,173 ♪ ♪ 214 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,596 - Call my agent. 215 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,351 [Cell phone ringing] 216 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,223 - Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man. 217 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,810 - What up, Clyde? 218 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,185 Hey look, man, I'm gonna be real with you okay? 219 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:07,272 This Alien Boy script, I'm not feelin' it. 220 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,729 I mean, it's hard being Will Smith's son. 221 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,489 I just wanna make sure my next project reflects 222 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,323 that I'm a down-to-earth, normal kid. 223 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,908 Am I making any sense? 224 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,913 - Yeah, yeah, I'm reading you loud and clear. 225 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,745 I've got a script right here, very real, called Street Ball. 226 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,911 - Talk to me. - Okay, so you play Tony. 227 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,540 He's a kid from the streets, lives in the hood 228 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,077 in a house with his mom. 229 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,630 - Stop. 230 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,804 House? 231 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:31,962 Oh, it's like a... 232 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,340 tiny mansion. - Got it, go on. 233 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,217 - So his mom and he, uh, they live in this house 234 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,854 and she works at a supermarket. 235 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,391 - Stop. 236 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,724 - Oh, yeah, a supermarket's like a mansion, 237 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,560 uh, but it's full of food, and anyone can go there. 238 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,095 - So, like, where the butlers go? 239 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:48,059 - Yeah, basically. So he, uh... 240 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,319 - And wait. 241 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,361 You said his mom was doing something 242 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,744 at the supermarket? 243 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,401 - Working. - So... 244 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,910 - Working is kind of like acting on a set every day 245 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,703 in a film that no one's ever gonna see. 246 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,536 And it lasts for the rest of your life. 247 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,291 - Oh, like a maid! 248 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,003 - Yeah, yeah, she's like the maid of the supermarket. 249 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,793 - Awesome, continue. 250 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,206 - So anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team, right? 251 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,626 So he decides to start playing pickup games 252 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,464 of street ball outside. 253 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:16,429 - So he plays basketball in his plane? 254 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,841 - No, on the ground. 255 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,349 - In his limo? 256 00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:21,311 - No, uh, outside is that stuff 257 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,641 that goes by when you're inside the limo. 258 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,097 - Oh, snap! 259 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,186 He plays basketball outside the limo door? 260 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,602 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 261 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,730 So then he gets really good at basketball, 262 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,517 and then blah-blah blah-blah-blah, fast forward. 263 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,740 At the heart of the story, Tony has to choose between his mom... 264 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,822 - Choose. 265 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,158 - Yeah, "choose" is when you have to make a decision 266 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:44,624 between two things you want, but you can have only one. 267 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:48,326 - But... there's two. 268 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,038 - Yeah, but, I mean, he can't have both. 269 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,300 - [Scoffs] What'd I say about science fiction, Clyde? 270 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,173 It's a no. 271 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,640 - Okay, we'll pass. 272 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:00,801 Achoo! 273 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,759 - Dad bless you. - Thanks. 274 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,810 [Intense newscast music] 275 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,306 - Welcome to the show. 276 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,847 Tonight we are a full hour on Baby Prudence, 277 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,770 the child who was abducted yesterday. 278 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,319 We have the 911 call and the last taken home video 279 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,533 of Baby Pru. 280 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,113 We have reporters in the field 281 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,568 as hundreds of people are searching for... 282 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,948 What's that? They found her? 283 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,285 She's fine? Well fuck me! Gaa! 284 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,577 ♪ ♪ 285 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,037 - Uh, so I have been married, uh, for 13 years. 286 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,209 [Cheers and applause] 287 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:38,717 Thank you, thank you. 288 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,972 I'm very happily married. - Gross. 289 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,394 - [Sighs] - No, no, no. 290 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,603 Your marriage is beautiful. Your marriage is not gross. 291 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,353 But for me, that is not an option, marriage. 292 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,886 - Okay, yeah, Jordan is not a big fan of marriage. 293 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,860 For Jordan, marriage is, um... - The end of life. 294 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,152 - Yes. 295 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,145 The end of life. - That, yes, yes. 296 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,397 I don't get tattoos either, by the way. 297 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,238 - Mm-hmm. - Okay? 298 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,783 To me, marriage seems like getting a tattoo that's alive 299 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,407 and makes you wait to watch the next episode of everything. 300 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,155 I don't want that. - See, and I don't care. 301 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:10,207 I just as soon wait for my wife so we can watch it together. 302 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,501 [Audience aaws] 303 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,674 - Ew. 304 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,922 [Laughter] 305 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,713 No, no! 306 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,508 But, okay, I like to go to Amsterdam, for example. 307 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,671 - Yes, mm-hmm. - Every now and then. 308 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:20,839 [Cheers and applause] 309 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,677 - Thank you! 310 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,802 When you... when you get married, you can't go to Amsterdam. 311 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,099 - Oh, yes, you can. - No. 312 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,892 - I can go to Amsterdam with my wife. 313 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,516 - Yes, but you can't Amsterdam. 314 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,142 [Laughter] 315 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,229 - Oh, well... 316 00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,105 - The mood is infectious and exciting today 317 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,822 as people from all walks of life 318 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,572 celebrate becoming the seventh state 319 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,204 to legalize gay marriage. 320 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,031 We're here talking to excited couples about 321 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,946 how they feel on this historic day. 322 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,365 Oh, hi. - Hi, hi. 323 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,834 Uh, yeah, it's a very historic day 324 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,003 for civil rights. 325 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,411 - Whoo! - And for gay Americans. 326 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,959 And Americans all over the country... 327 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,342 - Whoo! We're gonna get married! Yeah! 328 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,461 - Well, you know, wait... - [screams] 329 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,548 - We said that it would be a conversation, 330 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,883 you know what I mean? Because we didn't know 331 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,628 this was gonna pass so darn fast. 332 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,590 - Oh, my God! - So are you guys a couple? 333 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,930 - [Laughs] Are we a couple? 334 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,505 Come on, girl, let's get serious. 335 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,560 - No, it's just so fast. - My name is Lashawn. 336 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,603 And this is right here is my "Samwich." 337 00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,688 - It's, uh, Samuel, yeah. - [Laughs] 338 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,363 And we're gonna get married! Yeah! 339 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,693 - That's so great. 340 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,147 How long have you guys been together? 341 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,897 - Well, we've been... - Three years. 342 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,109 It's been forever, we've been waiting forever! 343 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,780 - It's really important to know the person... 344 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,789 - Who is the bride? I am the bride. 345 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,202 Do-do-do-do-do-do-do! [Laughs] 346 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,000 - Oh, well tell us all about your plans. 347 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,963 - You know, we never thought it was important to have 348 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,794 a piece of paper, so there's not any plans... 349 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,289 - Oh, yeah! Piece of paper! 350 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,840 We're gonna get that piece of paper, Sammy! 351 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,884 - Yeah, yeah. - That piece of paper! 352 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,837 - Where do you think you guys will get married? 353 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,718 - You know, there's a lot of hidden costs in a wedding... 354 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,104 - Oh, everywhere! 355 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,601 We're gonna get married over here 356 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,022 and over there and in the sky and on a cloud. 357 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,931 - Oh, wow, it sounds like it's gonna be a big wedding. 358 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,640 - Well, you know it's just a conversation that we have... 359 00:14:55,770 --> 00:15:00,320 - Girl, we're gonna rent the moon and fill it with roses! 360 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,691 - We really need to talk about whether or not we think 361 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,819 it's fair to even get married when it's still illegal 362 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,236 in so many other states... 363 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,614 - You see? Look at him! 364 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,410 That's my man with his big heart. 365 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,334 I'm sorry, my husband. You my husband now. 366 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,873 - Well, we just... - You my husband now, bitch. 367 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,747 - We just don't wanna rush into anything, 368 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,083 because stuff gets overturned. 369 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,708 Remember what happened in California. 370 00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,415 - Baby, I'm gonna get a 14-karat ring 371 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,835 the size of 14 motherfuckin' carrots. 372 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:25,594 That's what's up, doc! [Smacking lips] 373 00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,507 - Well, you two certainly seem excited. 374 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,465 - Yeah, do we seem excited? - Oh, yeah, yeah. 375 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,886 - Oh, okay. - Congratulations. 376 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,894 I hope you guys have a wonderful life together. 377 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,886 - We just... we really just didn't think it was gonna pass. 378 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,938 - We're gonna have a house that's shaped like a unicorn, 379 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,402 and we're gonna have five little girls. 380 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,362 Their names are gonna be Etnie, Carousel, Sequin, 381 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,943 Abercrombie, and Phantom. 382 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,398 And we're gonna have a little dog named Ruffalo. 383 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,949 And the dog gonna have a cat named Myriad. 384 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:52,913 [Intense newscast music] 385 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,196 - And we have breaking news. 386 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,039 Baby Lakisha has gone missing. 387 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,834 For the next hour we will... what's that? Nobody cares? 388 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,167 Moving on, let's check in with baby Prudence. 389 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,303 Her 14th day home, and she's still safe and sound. 390 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,927 - No, I definitely... I am very happily married, 391 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,513 but I have to say that there are times 392 00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,348 in a relationship where you have to use psychology, 393 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,683 you know, to get what you want. 394 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,217 - Oh, definitely. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 395 00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,641 - I know exactly... I mean, I have a girlfriend, 396 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,019 so I know what you're talking about. 397 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,475 For me it's when I'm watching HBO, 398 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,565 and the girl takes her top off in the HBO show, 399 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:24,981 which is inevitable. 400 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,649 And the only way I can continue watching the show 401 00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:29,239 is if I preempt her. 402 00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:30,574 I'm like, "Oh, see, that's just a shame 403 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,028 "she feels like she has to do that. 404 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,578 [Laughter] 405 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,622 "It's just a shame. It's gratuitous, is what it is. 406 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,456 [Laughter] 407 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,791 I don't even wanna watch... We can watch it, but you know." 408 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,417 [Laughter] 409 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:44,674 - Oh, man. 410 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,796 What I do, I like to walk my dogs. 411 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,973 But I pretend like I hate walking my dogs. 412 00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,843 Because one hour of dog walking equals five hours of football. 413 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,720 - Yes, smart. 414 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,477 - So I'll come in the door just talking about, Ooh! Ooh! 415 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,351 - Right. 416 00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,768 - Ooh! - Yeah, you gotta play it up. 417 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,857 - My hammies! - Yeah, yeah, you gotta... 418 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,613 Very smart. - Oh! Five hours of football. 419 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,446 - So you sort of bank the favor, in a way. 420 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,281 - So, yeah, I bank the favor. 421 00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,867 - Which is kind of... Another thing I do 422 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,871 is I will bank a complaint. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 423 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,873 - Yeah, if she does something I don't really care about 424 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,116 if she did it, but I will wait. 425 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,080 And I will wait until she calls me out on some shit 426 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,630 to bring it up. 427 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:26,883 - Yeah, yeah. - You know what I'm saying? 428 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,264 - So if she says to you, um, 429 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,591 "Why'd you leave the toilet seat up?" 430 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,626 - Bitch, why was you late last week, 431 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,259 and I ain't say nothing? 432 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,217 I was gonna let that shit slide! 433 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,718 - That's very good. I'm gonna try that. 434 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,310 - Yeah. 435 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,694 - Now, first, let me just say 436 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,855 that I'm encouraged that so many of you from the Republican party 437 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,145 have agreed to meet me in this way. 438 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,530 Now, as you know, I've tried very hard 439 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,527 to reach across the aisle 440 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,619 and govern this country from the middle. 441 00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,785 - Well... 442 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,292 all due respect, Mr. President, 443 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,706 we disagree with you. 444 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,625 - We think you should run the country from... 445 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,375 not the middle. 446 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,916 - Well, that's why we're here. 447 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,300 If you would, I'd just appreciate some feedback 448 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,968 on some new ideas and directions for this country. 449 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,347 Feel free to agree or disagree. 450 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,266 Whatever you want. 451 00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:24,944 - We're gonna disagree. 452 00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,312 [Chuckling and murmuring] 453 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,609 - Yeah, disagree. - Disagree. 454 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,363 - [Whispering] Disagree. 455 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:34,195 - First, I think the government is too big. 456 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,202 I think we need to shrink the size 457 00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,914 of the federal government so that all decisions 458 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,785 can be made at the state level. 459 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,792 - We disagree, Mr. President. 460 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,124 - Mm-hmm. 461 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,669 - You drive a hard bargain, you win. 462 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,134 [Chuckling] 463 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,594 - There we go. 464 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,505 - Big government it is. 465 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,635 [Classical music] 466 00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,182 - All right, next up, this has been a hot button issue, 467 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,515 but I think we can settle it right here. 468 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,981 No taxes for rich people. 469 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,232 - We completely disagree! 470 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,024 - Round two goes to you guys. 471 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,187 [Uncomfortable chuckling] 472 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,105 - Okay. - Uh-huh. 473 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,114 - More taxes for the rich. 474 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,736 - What the fuck! 475 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,532 - What is happening to us? 476 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,777 - Man, I am taking a beating here, guys. 477 00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,659 All right, last issue... immigration. 478 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,497 Now, we need to secure our borders. 479 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,123 And anybody who's here illegally 480 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,591 should be hunted down and deported. 481 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:35,301 - [Straining and gagging] 482 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,474 We disagree! 483 00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:43,064 [Crying] 484 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,022 - We are country of immigrants! No! 485 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,063 - We need a clear path to citizenship 486 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,358 for all of those who are already here! 487 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,902 Aah! Help me! 488 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,896 [Crying, screaming] 489 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:03,200 - Great, I love your ideas. 490 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,197 Lastly, we cannot regulate firearms. 491 00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:08,330 - [Muffled] Yes, we can! 492 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,247 All: Yes, we can! Yes, we can! 493 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,337 Yes, we can! Yes, we can! 494 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,803 [Crying] 495 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,093 - All right, all right. If you guys say so. 496 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,507 And nobody better throw me a cigarette. 497 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,894 Ain't I a stinker? 498 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:37,856 [Cheers and applause] 499 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,619 - Oh, hell no, you a demon! No, no, you a demon. 500 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,081 - Good night, everybody! Thank you! 501 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,951 [Cheers and applause] 502 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,960 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 503 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,093 - Oh, yeah. 504 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,800 - When you get married, you can't hang out with a girl 505 00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:58,974 who is just a friend anymore. 506 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,721 - No, no, that's not true. 507 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,353 There are some women out there who are more than willing 508 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,101 to let you hang out with your female friends. 509 00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,352 - Okay, well, when I meet that mythical bitch... 510 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,725 my knee will hit the floor. 36758

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