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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:03,876 - Now I know this plan is foolproof. 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,714 Check this out. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:10,089 First of all, you and me start working at the bank. 4 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,549 Doesn't matter the position, okay, 5 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,469 just so long as we get in there, all right? 6 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,767 Then we just go there every day, 7 00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:18,521 do the work, gain their trust 8 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,154 until we get them in the palm of our hand. 9 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:24,231 - All right. So how we get the money? 10 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,228 - That's the beauty of it, bro. 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,150 They deposit the money into our bank accounts, 12 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,490 week after week, month after month. 13 00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,946 They're not even gonna know they're being robbed. 14 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,157 And then 20 or 30 years later, 15 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:43,958 we walk out the front door like nothing even happened. 16 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:50,047 - Motherfucker, that's called a job! 17 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,256 [Soul music] 18 00:00:55,389 --> 00:01:03,399 ♪ ♪ 19 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:15,874 [cheers and applause] 20 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,663 - Hello. 21 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,036 Good evening. 22 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,373 - Thank you. 23 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,287 - Thank you so much for coming out. 24 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,456 Uh, I am Keegan. - I am Jordan. 25 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,794 - And this is Key and Peele. 26 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:25,958 - Welcome to the show. - Thank you for coming. 27 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,916 - Thank you. [Cheering] 28 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,417 Now, Keegan and I have noticed 29 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,129 that there, uh, seems to be a huge difference 30 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,629 between white college movies and black college movies. 31 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,801 - It's huge, yes. 32 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,428 In... in white college movies... 33 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:39,175 white college movies are always only about having fun, 34 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,888 smoking weed, and stealing mascots. 35 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,059 - Right, and it's all about... [guitar-wail impression] 36 00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,858 Let's drink some beer off of some titties! 37 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,612 - [Guitar-wail impression] Yeah, let's get away 38 00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:53,945 with date rape! Both: [guitar-wail impression] 39 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,372 - And in black college movies, the... the lead always 40 00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:57,992 says this line, every time: 41 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:01,328 - "I'm gonna go to college." 42 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,205 Toward the beginning of the film, "I'm gonna go"... 43 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,002 as if someone just told him, 44 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,375 "There's no way you're gonna go to college, man." 45 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:08,803 - [Laughing] - "I'm gonna go." 46 00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:11,131 That's the plot of the film right there. 47 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,756 That this guy's gonna go to college. 48 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:13,933 - And in a white college movie, it... it... it... 49 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,221 uh, college is a given. 50 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,974 College is a backdrop. - Oh, yeah. 51 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,845 - It's about "How do I get out of college?" 52 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,312 - That's right, "How do I do as little work as possible?" 53 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:21,932 - "Aw, man, I'm sick of this trust fund 54 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:25,689 and my dad being a legacy." 55 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:30,323 Both: [guitar-wail impression] 56 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,942 - No, black college movies, always the same plot: 57 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:34,950 "I might develop a challenging, rhythmical, 58 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,032 extracurricular activity"... - Mm-hmm. 59 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,697 - "That's not gonna change the fact that I'm going 60 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,486 to stay in college." - Mm-hmm. 61 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,950 It's gonna be all right, brother, 'cause there ain't 62 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,660 nobody gonna try to kick you out of college. 63 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:48,130 It's a black college. You're gonna be fine. 64 00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:49,712 - I don't understand, when is gonna be the day 65 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,497 that we can have a college movie for black people 66 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:52,800 where we get to act like fools? 67 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,053 - I'll tell you this right now: 68 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,724 When a black man dresses like a woman 69 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,893 in order to live in a sorority house, 70 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,641 we will have reached equality. - That's right. 71 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,183 No, actually, that... no, that movie exists. 72 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,927 Big Momma's House 3 starring Sir Martin Lawrence. 73 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,020 [Laughter] 74 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,606 - Well, then, we have reached the mountaintop. 75 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,071 All right. 76 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:17,112 - Ahh! 77 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,159 Omega Pi Omega! 78 00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,333 - Omega Pi Omega! 79 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,951 - [Barking] Omega Pi Omega! 80 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,290 - Omega Pi Omega! - Yeah! 81 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,616 - Yo, brand me, son. - Yeah. 82 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,170 - Brand me, do it on my chest. 83 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,384 - Yeah. - Straight down the middle, son. 84 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,553 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 85 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:35,921 - Ahh! 86 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,509 - Yeah, son! 87 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,554 - Oh, yeah... yo... yo, yo, hold up, man. 88 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:40,718 Come on, wait. 89 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,176 Wait, wait, that's... 90 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,096 that shit's upside-down, son. 91 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,984 It... it's to the side a little bit too. 92 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,522 - Oh, shit, well, okay, my... my bad, dog. 93 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,055 My bad, dog. You wanna keep doing this shit? 94 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,318 Let's go! - Yeah, man. 95 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,111 I'm just... I'm saying, yo, be careful. 96 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,315 - I got you, dog, I got you... yeah! 97 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,315 - Ahh! 98 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,867 - What's up? That's what's up! 99 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,371 - Yeah. - Straight down the middle, son! 100 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,542 - You can't go back to middle now, son. 101 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,161 - What? - We already committed 102 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:08,828 to the upside-down and to the side. 103 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:13,377 - I got you, dog, yeah! - Ahh! 104 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,963 What are you doing, man? 105 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,758 - You said upside-down and to the side. 106 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,132 - That's three omegas! 107 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,798 - Oh, man, I forgot the Pi. 108 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:24,387 Yeah! - Ahh! 109 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:28,894 Oh... 110 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,649 - Oh, man, I mean, you know... 111 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,611 that... that, man... that... that... 112 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:33,771 that could be a rocket ship, 113 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:38,109 or... or a lighthouse. 114 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,566 Naw, man, you straight up got a dick on your chest. 115 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,567 - Ahh! 116 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,290 - What do we do? 117 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,503 They told us at the station to come down here and fill time, 118 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,634 but, uh, there's no story here. 119 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,132 - In this neighborhood, there's always a story. 120 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,554 Here, gimme the name of a mythical creature. 121 00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,014 - Mythical creature? I don't... 122 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,593 - Trust me. - Uh, I don't... a pegasus. 123 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:02,928 - Pegasus, perfect. 124 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:07,353 Just roll, watch, and learn. 125 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,024 - They can stay in my house if they want to... 126 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,982 - Hi, there. Rick Nicholsby, Channel Six News. 127 00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,103 We've had reports of a pegasus in the area. 128 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,440 Has anybody seen anything like that? 129 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,524 - Aw, yeah, man, I seen a pegasus. 130 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,320 I seen it, yeah, every day. - I sees it too, man. 131 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,034 We both see that pegasus, dog. 132 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,034 - Yeah, I saw it with my own two eyes, man. 133 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,906 That horse had a big old snake head... 134 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,453 - Naw, man, it ain't got no snake head, fool. 135 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,577 Y'all, that... that horse had some big wings, man. 136 00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:30,905 - Yeah, yeah. - It's all flying and shit. 137 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,369 - Yeah, that horse had big old wings. 138 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,129 Man, like, two sets of wings, yeah. 139 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,001 Y'all see the pegasus? All: Yeah. 140 00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,498 - Everybody up in here seen the pegasus, man. 141 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,760 - Curiosity has brought out large crowds 142 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:44,012 to see the alleged pegasus in this South Lennox neighborhood. 143 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,336 - Look, there it is. 144 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:48,850 - I'm gonna find it, break it, 145 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:51,434 and then ride it to the pegasus treasure. 146 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,480 - Residents say the creature resembles this amateur sketch. 147 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,064 - Kicked the fuck out of my car. 148 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,729 City's gotta pay for that shit too. 149 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,028 I ain't got no coverage for no pegasus, bitch. 150 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,242 - He land on my roof, man. Look at my roof, man. 151 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,491 He busted it up. 152 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,282 He busted the whole thing up, man. 153 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,406 Yeah, he been... he been... he been sitting up there every day. 154 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,283 - While many revel in the possibility 155 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,790 of seeing the winged horse, 156 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,291 others are not so welcoming. 157 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,754 - I just know this neighborhood would be better 158 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,125 if that pegasus is put down. 159 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:20,502 - I tell you this: God ain't putting no wings on no horse. 160 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,300 - Now, see, if this was a white neighborhood, 161 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,255 animal control would be up in here 162 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,295 with a pegasus trap. - That's right. 163 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:31,179 They can't take our pegasus. This is our pegasus. 164 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,478 - Pegasus up in this motherfucker! 165 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,981 - Hey, man, why you interrupting me? 166 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,142 I'm trying to talk about the pegasus. 167 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:36,770 - Fuck you! - Hey! 168 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,937 Don't be disrespecting pegasus! - I love pegasus! 169 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:45,146 - Yes, we're here live on the scene in South Lennox, 170 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,320 where riots have broken out over the alleged appearance 171 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,580 of a flying horse. 172 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,964 - Did this actually happen? 173 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,963 Did Mel Gibson actually say to that woman... 174 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,956 - His... uh, not just a woman, his wife or girlfriend. 175 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,089 - Right, whatever she was. Did he say to her, 176 00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:07,296 "I hope you get raped by a pack of niggers"? 177 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,967 - Yes, he did. - What? 178 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,346 - He is the most racist man in the world, yes. 179 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:15,434 - But, seriously, no... and, for the record, 180 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,140 if... if he had said, 181 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,270 "I hope you get raped by a pack of African-Americans"... 182 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,897 - Not better, not better. - Doesn't fix it. 183 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,654 Doesn't even fix it, it's that racist. 184 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,067 - Because "pack" always denotes non-human. 185 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,987 - It means animals. - It means animals every time. 186 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,196 - No, I-I would've rather he said, uh, 187 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,366 "I hope you get raped by a group of niggers." 188 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:34,535 - Mm-hmm. - Uh... 189 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,543 "A, uh, gathering of niggers" 190 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,705 would have been fine. 191 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,923 - "Congregation." 192 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,293 - A congre... please. 193 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,999 [Applause] 194 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,841 No, but it's, like, a pack. 195 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,296 "Pack" is the most racist thing 196 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,795 I've ever heard anyone say in my life. 197 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,757 - I would rather someone say, "You got raped 198 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,177 by a group of niggers," 199 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,635 than "A pack of African-Americans 200 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,426 went to a physics presentation." 201 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,350 - Yes, yes. [Laughter] 202 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,228 Right? - I would be less offended. 203 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,526 - Hey, did you see that nigga? 204 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,031 - That nigga looked like Busta Rhymes 205 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,284 and Maya Angelou had a baby. 206 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,866 All: [laughing] - Yeah, yeah. 207 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,202 That was one jacked-up-looking nigger. 208 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:19,828 [Nervously laughing] 209 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,168 - Uh-oh. You just dropped the N-word, 210 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,214 but you're not an "N." 211 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,917 Lucky for you, there's a way to avoid these situations. 212 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,468 Introducing the new smartphone application: 213 00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,972 The negraph. 214 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,183 Finally, a technology specifically designed 215 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,394 to help you determine whether or not you can drop the N-bomb. 216 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,675 - I can say it! 217 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,228 All: We can all say it! 218 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,402 - Not in this lifetime. 219 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,861 - To see your negraph, just enter your name, 220 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,862 age, and color of your skin, 221 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,824 or just the color of your skin. 222 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:52,405 - I've got the negraph on my phone and my iPad. 223 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,412 My phone says I can't ever say it. 224 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,994 My iPad says I can't ever say it... 225 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,330 but bigger! 226 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,075 - The negraph... can you say the N-word? 227 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,878 - I can say nigger all day long. 228 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,092 All: Nigger! 229 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,343 - No. 230 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,965 I'd like to, but... says it right here. 231 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,512 - The negraph. 232 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,846 And also available at the App Store, the fagchart. 233 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,482 - Uh, greetings, adventurers. 234 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,891 - Greetings. - Greetings. 235 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,400 - As you all can see here, 236 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:26,111 we have a new traveler in our ranks. 237 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,693 Uh, this is my cousin Tyrell, 238 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:31,607 and he will be controlling the player character. 239 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:35,028 - His name is Kanye. He's a giant, yo. 240 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:38,288 - [Nervously laughing] Uh, dear cousin... 241 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,371 traditionally, a... a giant is not assumed by a player. 242 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,248 It is a chaotic, evil... 243 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,415 - Yeah, but I want to be a giant, yo. 244 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,504 All big. 245 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,970 - Oh, okay. Fine. [Laughing] 246 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,511 Well, travelers, you are joined on your adventure today 247 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:58,466 by a giant named Kanye. 248 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,058 Now when last we left you, 249 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,433 you were at the Inn of the North Star 250 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,400 in the town of Isledor. 251 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:05,731 How do you begin your adventure? 252 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,855 - I wanna get some bitches. 253 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,533 Where the club at at Isledor, yo? 254 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,241 - Tyrell, this is highly unusual. 255 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,781 I think the guys probably just wanna go on the quest... 256 00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,494 - Um, Stephen? - Yes? 257 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,454 - I would like to join Kanye the giant in his quest. 258 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,615 - Seriously? 259 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:22,708 All right. 260 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,831 The two of you enter the tavern. 261 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,079 What do you say? 262 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,590 - Kanye the giant orders Alize. 263 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,513 - "Hmm," says the barkeep. 264 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,431 "Uh, I know not of this foreign beverage of which you speak. 265 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,591 Perhaps you'd enjoy an Elven ale?" 266 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,220 - No, we both want the Alize. 267 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,756 - Alize does not exist in this world. 268 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,889 - Kanye the giant slaps that bitch. 269 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,177 - Oh! 270 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,390 - Kanye the giant attempts 271 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,399 to slap the bartender. Here. 272 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,021 The bartender is half-Hobbit 273 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,728 and very nimble, 274 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,398 so you're going to have to roll an 18 or above to hit. 275 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:53,857 20. - Blip. 276 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,527 Slap that Hobbit's dick off, yo. 277 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,815 - Okay. Gollin the cleric, 278 00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,699 would you care to restrain Kanye the giant 279 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,577 before the town guard is called? 280 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,584 - Uh, I grab money out of the register. 281 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,456 - But... but... but Gollin the cleric is lawful good. 282 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,213 This act of thievery 283 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,745 would dishonor his gods. - Hey, man. 284 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:14,048 The only gods is money and bitches, dude. 285 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,804 - Ah! I accept Kanye the giant's gods, and, uh... 286 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,887 yeah, I-I-I steal some of the money too. 287 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,103 - You too? 288 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,353 Okay, would you now like to continue your quest 289 00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,847 for the Lance of Caldahar? - Fellas... 290 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,359 we came here for bitches. 291 00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,941 Where the bitches at? 292 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:34,686 - All right, you see a bevy of well-endowed wenches. 293 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:38,659 - Great, I grab them bitches, and we all go in my SUV. 294 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,452 - Fine. Kanye the giant, Udar the dwarf, 295 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:45,116 and Gollin the cleric climb into his SUV 296 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,286 with their bitches and their ill-gotten gains. 297 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,576 - And our Alize. 298 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,589 Plus Kanye the giant puts his demo CD 299 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,212 in the CD player... - No, he doesn't. 300 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,219 There are no CDs in this world! 301 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,931 You know what? 302 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,931 Do whatever you want. 303 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,425 - All right. 304 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,809 I guess I'm the Dungeon Master now. 305 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,977 The Eye of Ona opens up... 306 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,017 16 titties fall out. 307 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,690 - Yeah! [laughing] - Hurrah! 308 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:24,283 - Okay, so occasionally Keegan and I will be recognized 309 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,951 on the street. - Occasionally. 310 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,119 - Occasionally happens. - Occasionally, yeah. 311 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,918 Uh, uh, and it's always by the... 312 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,091 by the same particular kind of guy, every single time. 313 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,381 - Yes, this dude has... wears suit pants and high-tops. 314 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,756 - Mm-hmm, or conversely, 315 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,843 sweat pants and polished dress shoes. 316 00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,469 - One or the other. One or the other. 317 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,425 And you can tell he doesn't know our names, 318 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:48,176 'cause my man just talk about, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 319 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,599 "Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 320 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,188 "Yeah, oh, yay! That's what I... yeah, yeah! 321 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,824 That's my shit, dog." - Yeah. 322 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,941 - But then inevitably... inevitably he will say this... 323 00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:01,859 - "Yo, but ideally, dog, ideally... 324 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,700 "We could do some shit together, man. 325 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,865 Ideally..." 326 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,373 - Never met him before! 327 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,624 Never seen the man before a day in my life. 328 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:09,956 - Straight up, but, yo, I'm trying to get what you doin'. 329 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:11,711 I'm tryin' to do what you doin'. 330 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:15,093 What you are, where you at, where you at. 331 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:18,921 So ideally, ideally, I be doin' what you doin' right now. 332 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,718 - Why "ideally"? Why "ideally"? 333 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,842 Of course, "ideally"! - Of course. 334 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,549 - Ideally, I want to wake up tomorrow 335 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,719 and have my penis intact. Ideally! 336 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,888 - Ideally, you would be wearing shoes 337 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,137 that match your pants, motherfucker. 338 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,478 - Right. Exactly [laughter] 339 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,692 - Oh, my God. So it's definitely happening? 340 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,975 We're making a record? 341 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:41,239 Oh, no, I promise, it's gonna be a hit. 342 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,532 Hey, no, man, thank you. 343 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,985 - What's up, my man? 344 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,865 I heard about your record deal, dog. 345 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,452 You gonna keep it real, now, right, right? 346 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,077 You're gonna stay true to your roots, right? 347 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:51,164 You ain't gonna let down your boy... your boy Dwayne. 348 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,619 - Dwayne Washington. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 349 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,579 - Ramsey Junior High... - Yo, yo, yo! 350 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:57,249 If it ain't Craig, the man of the hour, homie. 351 00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:58,418 You remember me, I'm Teresa's cousin. 352 00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,796 You gonna keep it real? 353 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,473 - Yeah, definitely gonna keep it real, man. 354 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,891 So, yeah... - What up? What up? 355 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:09,102 It's my favorite Craig, mm-hmm. - I don't know you, man. 356 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,814 - You don't know me? 357 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,144 Shit, is that how it's gonna be, Craig? 358 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,769 - No, I really don't know you. 359 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,146 - You changed. 360 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,562 - All right, you good, you good. 361 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,440 [Phone ringing] - Craig's phone. 362 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,147 - Hey, youngblood. 363 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,857 My girls take care of you, you take care of me. 364 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,029 - Oh, all right. All right. 365 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,118 Oh! 366 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,076 [Party music] 367 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,497 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. 368 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:39,995 ♪ ♪ 369 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,549 [phone ringing] - Hello, Craig's phone. 370 00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:43,924 It's for you, brother. - Aww. 371 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,470 Thanks, man. Thanks. All right, hello? 372 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,934 Yeah. 373 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,425 It fell through? 374 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,228 It's not happening? 375 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,062 Damn, man... 376 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:59,767 No, it's all right. Thanks anyway. 377 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:00,939 Sorry, everybod... 378 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,107 [wind blowing] 379 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,374 [Train whistle blows] 380 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:13,869 Damn. 381 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,836 [Hail to the Chief playing] 382 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,841 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 383 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:26,133 Now before we begin, I'd like to once again introduce you 384 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,219 to my anger translator Luther. - Hi. 385 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,135 - Now this November, I want each and every one of you 386 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,725 to ask yourselves, "What has changed in the last four years?" 387 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,562 - Who killed Osama bin Laden? 388 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,898 - What has my administration accomplished? 389 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,484 - Did we accomplish killing America's biggest enemy? 390 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,450 Uh, check, did that, boom! 391 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:51,071 - In 2011 alone, we created more jobs than George W. Bush did 392 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,910 in all eight years of his office. 393 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,406 - Except for "Osama bin Laden hunter," 394 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,247 because that job don't exist anymore, 395 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,542 'cause I went over there, and I killed him in his face. 396 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,036 - We helped make health care 397 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,338 accessible to more Americans 398 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,961 than ever before. 399 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,377 - I'm sorry, what'd you say? 400 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,875 Your World Trade Center hurts? 401 00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,257 Then why don't you take two dead bin Ladens 402 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,973 and call me in the morning, biz-itch? 403 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,304 - This election, make the decision 404 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,270 that you think best serves the future of this country. 405 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,481 - Or you can eat a dum-dum sandwich 406 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,942 and just vote for the person who didn't kill Osama bin Laden. 407 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,653 But why would you do it? Why would you do it? 408 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,864 I mean, God damn. 409 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,493 - I plan to run a clean campaign, 410 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,151 one based on the issues and the accomplishments 411 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,530 of my administration. - Mm-hmm. 412 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,277 But I'm gonna tell you right now, 413 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:35,988 if the Republicans... if they had caught Osama bin Laden, 414 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,500 there wouldn't even be an election, man. 415 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:39,002 They'd just put a crown on his head, 416 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,713 and give him a castle, and just call him 417 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,463 the King of America, and that'd be it. 418 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:43,835 I said, that'd be it! 419 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,501 - All right, all right, all right. 420 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,630 Just, you know, bring it down a notch, there, Luther. 421 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,087 - Okay, come on, Luther, man, 422 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,507 you're straight up out of control, brother. 423 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,045 - Well, I... it's not that bad. 424 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,638 - Okay, don't beat yourself up, it's okay. 425 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,353 - [Coughing] 'Scuse me. 426 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,023 - Can a nigga get a lozenge? 427 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,351 - Now, Luther, you... you... you can't say that word. 428 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,187 - Oh... 429 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,652 actually it says right here, I can say it whenever I want. 430 00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:09,697 - I guess I can say it too. 431 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,661 Good night, my niggas. 432 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,663 [Hail to the Chief playing] 433 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:21,036 ♪ ♪ 434 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:27,091 - Okay, so here's a very sad thing... 435 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,633 Jordan and I could not be rappers. 436 00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,837 Couldn't do it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 437 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,599 - Seriously, Jordan? Are you seriously fronting? 438 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,562 We have absolutely no street cred whatsoever. 439 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:42,273 What am I supposed to rap about, my master's degree in fine arts? 440 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,105 [Cheers and applause] 441 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,481 - I-I did... I-I-I dropped out of college, so, you know, 442 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,989 I still got that... I still got that... 443 00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:53,321 - You dropped out of Sarah Lawrence College 444 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,198 in Westchester County, 445 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,584 which makes you educated and a lesbian. 446 00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,292 - I'm saying... it's just, you gotta twist it, man. 447 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,543 You just gotta... - Oh, you gotta twist it. 448 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,044 - Yeah. - You gotta... you gotta twist it. 449 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,206 - I'm talking about... yeah, you... you do! 450 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,833 Talking about, yo, check it... 451 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,710 [beat-boxing] 452 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,047 ♪ Yo, NYC, born and raised ♪ 453 00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:11,423 ♪ In the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪... 454 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:15,009 - No, you did not! No, you didn't. 455 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,796 Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? - Hold up, hold up, hold up. 456 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,770 All right, I ain't finished, I ain't finished: 457 00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,931 ♪ Yo, all I had was my smarts, and then the liberal arts ♪... 458 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,519 - No! - ♪ Came into my life ♪... 459 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,104 - No, can't... - All right... 460 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,439 - No, because you cannot say the words "liberal arts" 461 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:28,855 in a rap song. - Fine. 462 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,947 [Hip-hop instrumental, sirens wailing] 463 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,611 ♪ ♪ 464 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,280 All y'all rappers out there think y'all hard 465 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,789 'cause what y'all been through? 466 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,332 Hey, check it out. 467 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,115 ♪ It was Friday night chillin' ♪ 468 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,668 ♪ On my front lawn ♪ 469 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,002 ♪ Me and my crew, I had my bathrobe on ♪ 470 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,798 ♪ Everybody high ♪ 471 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,092 ♪ Just watched X-Men ♪ 472 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:54,125 ♪ Got plenty chicken heads ♪ 473 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,298 ♪ Ready for sex, men ♪ 474 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,756 ♪ Busters roll up ♪ 475 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,386 ♪ They tryin' to talk smack ♪ 476 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,393 ♪ Don't these niggas know ♪ 477 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:01,925 ♪ They fuckin' with Tha Mack? ♪ 478 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,138 ♪ Dude pulled his nine ♪ 479 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,017 ♪ I knew homies seen us ♪ 480 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,484 ♪ He pulled two shots ♪ 481 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,024 ♪ Somehow my penis got between us ♪ 482 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,267 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 483 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,818 ♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪ 484 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,532 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 485 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,402 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 486 00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,609 - ♪ Shot in the dick ♪ 487 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,448 ♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪ 488 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:18,953 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 489 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,985 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 490 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,908 [gunshots] 491 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,078 ♪ ♪ 492 00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:29,578 - ♪ Went back to my palace fast ♪ 493 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,880 ♪ Now I'm the dude walking 'round with a phallus cast ♪ 494 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,546 ♪ Like Wolverine, I'm trying to be a loner ♪ 495 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,176 ♪ But they think a nigga got an adamantium boner ♪ 496 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,854 ♪ What can I say? ♪ 497 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,773 ♪ They still up on my totem pole ♪ 498 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,391 ♪ Bitch, get your tongue ring away from the scrotum hole ♪ 499 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,139 ♪ Don't know why they love it ♪ 500 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,231 ♪ But it keeps the ladies moistening ♪ 501 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,936 ♪ Gave half the honeys in the 'hood lead poisoning ♪ 502 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,437 - ♪ Shot in the dick, shot, shot in the dick ♪ 503 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,110 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 504 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,158 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 505 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:00,492 - ♪ Shot in the dick ♪ 506 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,076 ♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪ 507 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,911 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 508 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,826 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 509 00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:12,035 ♪ ♪ 510 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:15,919 - Yo, they shot that fool in the dick! 511 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:22,048 ♪ ♪ 512 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,599 - Ahh! Gee, fu... man! 513 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,223 Damn, that hurts. - What? 514 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,020 - Damn... no, video over, man. Video's over. 515 00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:31,265 - No! - I'm serious, man. 516 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,727 Damn... 517 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,397 [cheers and applause] 518 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,816 - Thank you. 519 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:39,154 - Thank you very much. 520 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,950 - He's got one. - Yo. 521 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,413 - He's got one. - Check it, check it, check it. 522 00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,873 Check it, check it, check it, check it: 523 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:45,543 ♪ Yo, all my boys have my back ♪ 524 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,791 ♪ While we're playing hacky-sack ♪ 525 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,293 - Nope, nope, nope. 526 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:51,084 Good night, everybody. Safe home, God bless. 527 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:54,208 [Cheers and applause] 528 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,054 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 529 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,177 - Oh, yeah. 530 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,555 - Dude, I'm gonna... I'm gonna put some weed smoke 531 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,143 in your ear, dog. - It's all right, dude. 532 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,558 I'm gonna take this grenade and toss it 533 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,437 in the fraternity house for no reason at all. 534 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:17,574 Both: [guitar-wail impression] 39862

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