Original subtitles

I want to thank everybody for coming out tonight

and celebrating this joyous return of Bruno into my life

and into yours as well.

I went through a very dark time,

a time I would wish on no one, not even my worst enemies.

But the light is shining now,

and it's shining even brighter on this little guy.

So let's raise our cups to Bruno.

-Hear. -I love him.

And let's get this motherfucking party started!

[cheering]

[hip-hop song playing]

-♪ All play, no work, right? ♪ -♪ Hey ♪

-♪ Ain't nobody getting hurt, right? ♪ -♪ Hey ♪

-♪ So put it up 'cause it's your night ♪ -♪ Hey ♪

-♪ So will we stop having fun tonight? ♪ -♪ No, no, no ♪

- ♪ Are we go getting in tonight? ♪ -♪Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Are we calling it quits tonight?♪ -♪ No, no ♪

-♪ Oh, we go make a trip tonight ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Quick lean as I let the beat track ♪

♪ As we toast up, let my whole team rock ♪

♪ You know, we the ones that you never seen front ♪

♪ Man, we live a dream job, so we always praise God, uh ♪

-♪ What's up? You losing gas? ♪ -♪ What's going on? ♪

-♪ I'll be righteous bein' passed ♪ -♪ The 101 ♪

-♪ I could probably even teach a class ♪ -♪ Like 101 ♪

♪Man, we represent our block, sayin', "Tell me where you from" ♪

♪ Aha, the Kingsborough, ah, we been thorough ♪

♪ For like life, it's in our bone marrow, uh ♪

♪ Gold chains That's the land of the Pharaohs ♪

♪ We all get changed, yeah, like Robert De Niro ♪

[music slows and distorts]

[sizzles]

[Malcolm groans]

[Malcolm sighs]

Man.

Shit got crazy last night.

Hell, yeah, it did.

Passed the fuck out.

Come on, man. What the hell did y'all throw on me, man?

We didn't throw nothing on you, man.

[panting]

Oh, my God.

-[whines] -No, Macho. Come on, Macho.

♪ It's Bruno ♪

♪ My little funny Bruno ♪

♪ Bruno ♪

♪ Yep, it's Bruno ♪

What's this guy?

Hey, man, that's not a dog!

[coughs] What's that, boss?

He said that's not a dog.

Yo, cats are people, too. They need exercise.

Unreal. Come on, Skippy.

All right, man. See you later.

All right, yo.

[dog barks]

[scanner whirs and beeps]

Sir, your dog's rabies vaccines need to be updated.

Uh, excuse me?

Are you, uh, Malcolm Bartello or Baby?

I'm Malcolm. How do you know my name?

Scanned your dog's microchip. Keeps a database of all his owners.

-Then who's Baby? -Don't know. Probably another owner.

I'm the only owner.

Well, there's no last name, just Baby, so could be a typo.

Anyway, those tags are expired.

You're gonna have to get his vaccination updated.

Now, you can pay this... online, or you can mail a check.

I'm not taking that ticket. That's a bullshit ticket.

You're a bullshit cop.

I'm a park ranger.

Why don't you take some branches, hold them together, and handcuff those?

Or go solve a raccoon hit-and-run or some shit like that.

Those are not the duties of a park ranger.

-Is this even a park? -Yes.

Seriously? This tree is a park?

Yes, it is.

Look. What about Harvey? How come you don't scan his dog?

Hey! Is that that dog from the dog-food commercials?

Why, yes, it is.

Ha ha ha.

She's even more beautiful in person, sir. You have a great day.

Aw, thank you, ma'am. You have a blessed day.

And thank you for all your hard work and service.

You're not gonna scan that dog's microchip?

That dog is a celebrity. I'm sure her vaccinations are up-to-date.

What's this even about, anyway? There's never been a park ranger here.

Well, there's been a lot of dog theft in the area,

so the city sent me down here to do a little broken-windows policing.

Broken windows?

It's a theory in criminology that if you come down hard on small infractions,

it'll reduce the larger ones.

So let me get this straight-- if you give me a ticket,

that's gonna prevent my dog from getting stolen?

Yes.

That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard.

-Your ticket. -I'm not taking that ticket.

Okay. That's all right. The ticket will find you.

What the--

Well, I'm not paying it.

You can take it to court.

-Well, then court it is. -Well, just so you know...

I never miss a court date.

Neither do I.

-[telephone rings] -You can insert your card here.

Oh, Bruno!

It's Bruno! Ha ha ha ha.

♪ I'm gonna get some Bruno time, Bruno time, Bruno time ♪

Oh, puppy!

-Oh, Bruno! -[Malcolm] All right. All right.

-[receptionist] Bruno, come here. -And, uh, what about my dog?

You need to be loving on Trixie right now.

I just paid you $400.

-She's a feisty one, huh? -Hmm.

So, uh, here to see the vet, get Bruno's rabies vaccination up-to-date.

Sure thing, Malcolm. She'll be with you in a minute.

Thank you.

Hey, Malcolm. You still picking up Huey next Wednesday, right?

I got you.

[barking]

Bad Pebbles. Oh, no.

Don't mind little Pebbles. He's just playing.

He doesn't usually bark like this. Heh.

Do you want to buy him off me? He's a great dog. I just travel a lot.

I'm good. Thank you.

[barking echoes] I'M NOT PLAYING! I'M DEAD SERIOUS!

I WILL FUCK YOU UP! YOU HEAR ME!?

I WILL TEAR YOUR LITTLE PUGGLE ASS TO PIECES!

Pebbles, I said no! Quiet!

OH YOU'RE SO LUCKY SHE'S HERE!

YOU BETTER PRAY SHE KEEPS HOLDING ME BACK!

YOU BETTER PRAY MOTHERFUCKER!

Bruno?

[barking continues]

How's the little guy doing? How's he doing?

All right. Watch the hands.

Oh, wait a second. What is this?

What is it? What?

Oh, thank God. Never mind. Thought I felt a bump behind his ear.

Could've been a tumor. They're very common in these breeds.

We should definitely do a full-body X-ray.

Oh, you know, I just came here for a rabies vaccine.

Right. So you wanna leave any future physical problems up to chance

and not do the X-ray?

Okay. Yeah, sure. Let's do the X-ray.

Smart choice.

We'll also give him the Bordetella and the Giardia vaccines.

Bordetella? Giardia? Those sound like Italian entrees. What is that?

Bordetella prevents kennel cough,

and Giardia can affect Bruno's gastrointestinal tract,

which can cause diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, and lethargy.

Fine. I'll get them, too.

Along with the parainfluenza and distemper vaccines?

Okay, how many vaccines are there?

-Parainfluenza? -Yeah, dog flu.

You want Bruno coughing and sneezing 'cause he sniffed some rat pellets

on one of these Brooklyn streets you walked him on?

Bruno's a beautiful dog.

It would be a shame if something were to happen to him.

-All right. Just get 'em all. -Okay.

What's... What's all this gonna cost?

Let's see... about $1,200.

Jeez, I can't afford that.

No worries. We make payment plans.

Okay.

But there's a favor I'm gonna need you to do for me.

Bruno.

[bang]

[judge] Malcolm Bartello.

Bruno. Come on. Come on.

Stay.

[judge] Okay.

Ranger Debecki, please be so kind as to explain what happened.

Absolutely. On the third of this month, at approximately 11:42 in the morning,

I observed the defendant, Mr. Bartello,

walking his dog, Bruno, at Grand Forest Park.

Objection. It's not a park, Your Honor.

There's just one tree.

This is not a trial. Do not interrupt the ranger.

I noticed the dog's rabies vaccinations were out of date,

and, uh, as you know,

according to section 1004-B of this city's animal-regulation law,

no dog without an up-to-date rabies vaccination

is allowed on city park premises.

Hmm. Thank you, Ranger Debecki.

Malcolm, what's your defense?

Well, Your Honor... ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I have a crucial piece of evidence I'd like to introduce in this case.

Once again, not a trial. There is no jury.

Those are just other people with tickets they're disputing like you.

Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor.

Sure. Just bring it over.

[sighs] As you can see here...

this...

is Bruno's up-to-date official medical records.

Now if you would direct your attention over to the rabies line,

you'll notice Bruno received his shots before the ticket was issued,

meaning that his vaccination is actually up-to-date,

and Ranger Debecki... either didn't check it properly

or has defective... non-calibrated equipment.

Impossible. Hah.

Well, I mean, Your Honor, who are we to believe here?

The word of a certified veterinarian doctor

or a park ranger with faulty gear?

After reviewing the medical record here, it does state very clearly

that the rabies vaccination was administered prior to ticket issuance.

I'm dismissing the ticket.

You have a nice day now. Take care of yourself.

[theme music playing]