Original subtitles

Roger? Did you get glasses?

Not glasses, Francine.

Transitions.

(guitar riff plays)

Best product I've ever owned.

Now I don't have to switch out my regular glasses

for sunglasses every time I go outside.

But you didn't wear glasses before.

But now I don't have to switch 'em out!

Ugh! Eyes hurt like a bitch, though.

That dead hobo must've been blind as a bat.

(clears throat)

Mama? Papa?

Barry invited me to go with his family

on a trip next month to see the world's

largest chest of drawers.

And I'd very much like to go.

I don't know.

We've never met Barry's parents.

But judging from Barry, I think it's safe to assume they're --

and this is nothing against Barry, we love Barry --

monstrously stupid sewer-people.

Agreed. Answer is a hard no.

Another brilliant decision by my genius parents.

Sass-back.

In my very own home. That's it!

Not only are you not going on that trip, Smartmouth,

you're grounded for two weeks!

You're so unfair!

You never let me do anything!

I'm so frustrated, I...

(thud)

Ooh, I feel it coming on!

Don't you do it, young man.

I think I'm gonna go bananas!

-Do not go bananas... -It's gonna happen!

-You best not go bananas, boy! -I'm gonna go bananas!

Do it, Steve. Go bananas.

-(scrapes) -(groans)

Aaahgg-blahh-jyaah!

(screaming indistinctly)

Is this what you want?!

Are you happy now?!

(screaming)

(continues screaming)

Is this what you wanted?! Me goin' bananas!

(continues screaming)

Sounds like Steve's goin' bananas again.

(continues screaming)

(thud)

Yep.

(patriotic music plays)

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

-♪ Good -- ♪ -♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

(sighs) I wish my parents were more like yours, Barry.

They let you do whatever you want.

I once spent the night at Claim Jumper's!

That's it!

Claim Jumpers?

Okay, but I think they'll be

on the look-out for me this time.

No, if our parents became friends,

yours are so chill, maybe they'd rub off on mine.

Then we'd be able to hang out all the time

and do whatever we want!

It'll be like The Purge!

We could go on a rampage!

-Rampage! Rampage! Rampage! -Rampage! Rampage! Rampage!

Everybody, the eclipse is about to start!

Everybody, take a pair of special glasses

from my giant tub of glasses.

(chuckles) I think these bad boys

will do me just fine, thank you very much.

Roger, you could really damage your eyes

looking at the eclipse with just your glasses.

Uh, they're not just glasses, Klaus, they're...

-Transitions. -...a lifestyle.

(guitar riff plays)

(gasps) It's starting!

Ooh.

TUTTLE: And here comes the sun!

(sizzling)

Pretty neat... Pretty neat.

Welp, I'm blind.

I do not blame the glasses, though.

Good product. Solid product.

I can't believe Steve talked us into going to dinner

with that goon Barry and his cave-troll parents.

Hey, I don't wanna do this, either.

You think chowing down on swamp stew

with a couple of real-life ogres is at the top of my bucket list?

I think when you two finally actually meet

Barry's parents, you're really gonna like them.

Nope.

(doorbell rings)

Stan. Francine.

Outta sight.

Well, get the heck in here, you three.

The fondue's startin' to skin up.

Whoa! This place is incredible!

So much mahogany.

Thick wood.

A man's wood.

Mahalo. Mahalo.

Stan-o, c'mere, I gotta show you the hi-fi.

Outta sight.

Mom, you know Mrs. Robinson here makes

a mean Harvey Wallbanger...

Oh, it's just vodka with some orange juice

and a scooch of Galliano.

You put things in your vodka?

Ooh, girl, I feel like I'm at the Ritz Charleston!

You know, Dad, Mr. Robinson played

a little ball back in college.

Ted, you played a little ball?

Yep, little ball.

Little college ball.

I'll be damned, a little ball...

Little ball up at San Jose State.

A little ball.

-Hey, Franny! -It was just a little ball.

You know Ted here played a little ball?

Ted played a little ball?

Little ball up at San Jose State.

I was actually coached by John Elway's dad.

(whistles)

Have you ever met John Elway?

No. But I've always wanted to.

Me, too.

Wow.

♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪

♪ Ah, ooh ♪

C'mon, Franny, gimme a bump, sister!

-Ooh! Whoop! -(laughs)

♪ Ah, ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Bli-i-i-i-nd.

Sa-a-a-a-d.

-(light switch clicks) -Roger, we are not

going to let you just wallow in --

Wait, why are you in a wheelchair?

I didn't know what kind of chair I was sitting down in

because I'm blind!

(sobs)

C'mon, Roger, you can still live a full life.

Can I, Steve?

I'll never see another Thomas Kinkade,

or a fat guy falling over on a Rascal.

I guess I'll just have to kill myself.

Not on my watch!

We're making it our mission in life

to help you rediscover your trademark joie de vivre!

We'll see, Francine.

We'll see.

♪ Just an old fashioned love song ♪

Seriously, how do two smokin' hot 10s

like you give birth to this --

and this is nothing against Barry here,

I adore Barry, I mean this in the kindest way possible --

stomach-turning hobgoblin?

(laughter)

Ah! You got my number.

Oh, we just like to think of him

as our groovy, little butterball.

Barry, where've you been hiding these two?

They should hide him!

-(laughter) -Whoa!

Cease fire! Cease fire!

Mom, Dad, may I go to the bathroom --

Do whatever you want, we don't care.

(whistling)

-(light switch clicks) -Whup, wrong room.

Never been in this one before...

(water sloshes)

(Disco music playing on speakers)

♪♪

So You Want To Be A Swinger?

So You're Currently A Swinger?

So You Want To Swing with Your Son's Friend's Parents?!

(gasps)

Barry's parents aren't gonna rub off on Mom and Dad.

They're gonna rub one out on Mom and Dad!

That was probably more disgusting than it needed to be,

but, oh, my God!

Did you know your parents are swingers?

Oh, yeah! They're always saying stuff like,

"You're money and you don't even know it,"

or "You're so money." Or "That's money baby."

Listen, my parents are prudes.

If I don't get them out of here before yours

come onto them, they might never let us hang out again.

-Understand? -No!

-Treehouse time! -Treehouse time!

Treehouse time?

Have fun, you two!

I spend most nights in the treehouse

while my mom and dad have wrestling parties.

Time to put on our blindfolds and headphones!

(muffled music plays)

CONNIE: Yoo-hoo! Stan! Francine!

Bananas Foster in the hot tub!

Bananas Foster?

With the bananas shaped like penises

and the ice cream shaped like boobs?

I gotta stop them!

(grunts)

(grunts, screams, thuds)

-Stan! Nice suit. -It's yours.

Yeah, but you really fill it out.

Give it a nice shape.

I need to go to the hospital!

(dramatic chord strikes)

Ugh, it's always the hospital

with you, Steve!

First when you were born and now again?

ROGER: This is stupid. I can't see.

Why are we going to a movie?

Because you're going to experience life

just as you did before.

Okay, but I've literally

never gone to a movie before.

GOONIE: Sloth?! You mean the monster that killed Chunk's

entire family after he went to live with them?

-Now, who said that? -The other kid.

-Shh! -Shh!

GOONIE #2: Goonies never look back!

Was that the catchphrase?

-What'd he say? -What?

-You're blind, not deaf. -Huh?

Sorry, I'm listening to a podcast.

-(cellphone chimes) -Oh, can you read this for me?

I'm expecting a text from my friend McDaniel.

-Shh! -Which character was that?

-That wasn't from the -- -Is it from McDaniel?

I'm fighting with McDaniel right now.

So, if it's from McDaniel, do not write back.

-It's from Rafi. -Uch, I'm fighting with Rafi.

He sucks so hard.

Here, I'm gonna dictate a message to you...

-Shut the hell up! -Shut up, you dick!

Get outta here, why don'tcha?!

Fine! I told you this was a stupid idea!

-Oh! -Ah!

That's it! I don't care if you're blind, bro!

I'mma kick your ass!

Aah! No, no, no, no!

(crowd gasping)

Did I just... beat that guy up?

Of course!

Losing my eyesight must have sharpened my other senses!

-Actually -- -Shh.

Look how happy he is!

Especially my sense of smell.

(sniffs)

You, sir, are a pedophile.

♪♪

(mumbling) ...swingers...

'Sup?

I -- What are you doing in my room?

Just going through your stuff.

Jeez, you look stressed. What's going on?

Mom and Dad loved Barry's parents,

but it turns out they're swingers.

And now I'm afraid if Mom and Dad find out,

they won't let me be friends with Barry anymore.

Don't worry about that.

Worry about Mom and Dad becoming swingers.

What?! They would never do that.

Oh, yeah?

Sounds like Barry's parents are grooming them.

It's only a matter of time before

they claim their prey. (chuckles)

Mom and Dad won't know what hit 'em.

And then what?

Divorce. 100%.

They won't be able to handle it.

Mom, sure.

She's the female Wilt Chamberlain.

But, Dad? Not a chance.

No way it doesn't destroy their marriage.

Oh, hell, yeah, nunchucks!

Michelangelo! Michelangelo!

See ya later, nerd.

(laughter)

Ugh, sorry about dragging you

to that awful dinner last night.

How 'bout that Connie and Ted? What a couple of shitheads,

-am I right? -FRANCINE: What?

Connie and Ted are outta sight, man!

Yeah. They actually suggested hanging out again sometime.

Absolutely not!

Now, you listen to me,

I forbid you from hanging out with Barry's parents.

Uh, I don't know what's gotten into you,

but how exactly are you gonna stop us?

"Uh," how about this?

If you so much as talk to them again,

I'll take away your Internet privileges.

I pay for the Internet.

Yeah, but only I know how to set it up.

He's got us by the long-hairs, Francine.

Ted suggested we grow out our pubic hair. It's natural.

I can change the Wi-Fi password in two minutes,

and it's goodbye, Jake Paul, Dad!

-(gasps) -You dick!

What's your problem?!

You're the ones with the problem

because you two are grounded!

-You're so unfair! -Go to your room!

-We hate you! -We hate you!

(footsteps ascending stairs)

(door slams)

(music plays in distance)

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪

♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪

Roger was so happy when he thought

he beat that guy up in the theater.

This is true.

So, to further boost his spirits

I've recruited his improv team,

Pizza Party Weekend --

Pizza Party Weekend?!

I saw them bomb at the high school gym!

Yes. And today they'll be working together to make

Roger think he's thwarting a terrorist train-jacking,

based on my number one all-time favorite movie --

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.

ALL: Chuckah-chuckah- chuckah-chuckah!

(train whistle toots)

Listen to that engine sing. We're really moving now!

Nobody move!

(firecrackers popping)

This is an action-packed terrorist train-jacking!

Rog-ger. You have to stop them.

Do you really think I can?

We know you can, we believe in you!

Aah!

Punch, Roger! Punch!

-(groans) -I'm doing it!

Good job, Roger! Now climb!

(rousing music playing on CD player)

Oh, man. Now, we're like on the roof

and a tunnel's coming up, and there's a bunch

of samurais up here.

Oh, sick! I'mma fight 'em!

Good, now kick! Chop!

(grunting)

You did it!

You single-handedly defeated all the terrorists.

I'm a hero!

Some of those terrorists gave off a pleasing ham scent

when I hit 'em.

(inhales)

I liked that.

Hey, kiddos, still mad?

STAN: We're sick. Of you.

I think we might just stay in bed all weekend.

(sighs)

(gasps)

(gasps)

(gasps)

-Aah! -(screeching)

Wait, but the news said there were

three orangutans stolen from the zoo...

-(rumbling) -Ooh!

I've gotta stop my parents from making

the biggest mistake of their lives!

Have you seen my parents?

Yeah, they went out of town with my mom and dad for the weekend.

They said they were going to this place.

(dramatic music plays)

"Nudist Resort"?!

But nude is how you have sex!

Doesn't have to be.

Thanks for letting us hitchhike, Mr. Truck Driver Man!

Helping children is what truckers live for!

Welp, time to deliver this shipment of baby poison!

(laughs)

(horn blares)

Okay, we've got to get in there

and find our parents before yours boink mine.

But they'll never let in a couple of kids.

Ahem.

We are a single human adult interested in

purchasing a day pass to your perverted establishment.

Very good, sir.

$50.

Very good, sir.

Stanford and Francine Smith!

You two are coming home with me this instant!

You tracked us down all the way here?!

What is your problem?!

My problem is that

you're too naive to see that they are swingers!

-We know! -We know!

You...

know?

Does that mean you're swingers, too, now?

No. We enjoy hanging out with Connie and Ted,

but we made it clear that very first night

that swinging wasn't our thing.

We can maintain boundaries for ourselves.

It's true.

These two have a nickname around here --

"The Ah-ah-ahs."

'Cause every time you so much as try

to brush your genitals up against them, it's,

"Ah-ah-ahhh."

ALL: Ah-ah-ahhh.

Ah-ah-ahhh.

Ah-ah-ahhh.

(laughter)

(all moaning)

(insects chirping)

(knock on door)

Hey, are your parents gonna be back soon?

I feel like I owe them an apology.

-(door closes) -(chuckles) I sure was dumb

thinking they were all gonna end up swinging, huh?

BARRY (British accent): Quite to the contrary.

(gasps)

People come here to swing.

And swing.

Our. Parents.

Shall.

Stan, Francine, have either of you

seen Roger around anywhere?

Jeff said he was driving him down to the docks

to fight crime.

Said docks is where the crime is.

Oh, no!

We must've done too good a job

of convincing him he had powers!

I have to stop him!

(laughs)

(tires squeal)

Stop! Roger!

You're going to get yourself killed!

Not Roger. Call me...

Blind Justice!

You don't have heightened powers!

We set all that up!

Do I need to knock some sense into you?

(grunts)

(heroic music plays)

Could it be...?

Aah!

All right, drug dealers!

It's lights out for evil!

(Knives clanging, guns cocking)

Mind if I borrow this?

I'd like to take a shot in the dark.

(gunshots)

Knife try.

Mind if I take a stab?

(knife thunks)

(punches thumping, farting)

Oh, gross, one of these guys totally just beefed.

Wasn't me.

(rapid gunfire, knives shinging, thumping)

All right, I think that's all of 'em.

Jeff, hit the lights!

-(light switch clicks) -Ahh.

(farts)

Ugh, why won't that guy stop farting?

(insects chirping)

As you may remember, a few months,

but what seems like years ago,

your father convinced me to stop taking

what he thought were mere vitamins,

but were, in fact, an anti-psychotic medication.

STEVE: Yeah, of course I rem--

Without them, I was no longer dumb,

but rather, a diabolically evil genius!

Yes. I remember. But --

Meanwhile, Hayley became upset

when she discovered the funds

from her Eskimo Studies program were going to a fraternity --

STEVE: Wait, what?

I don't think we were even aware of those events...

Silence!

Anyway, when you took me on this trip in such haste,

you once again deprived me of my medication,

and sealed your parents' marriage's doom!

My plan is already under way.

That was the bellboy.

Says we both need to come pick up a bag

in the steam room.

Steam room? That seems odd.

Even odder? Our bags are all right here.

But hey, free bag.

Cowboys and Indians, huh?

(Southern accent) The bellboy said --

(British accent) No, that's not it.

(deep voice) The bellboy --

(British accent) Damn, I've lost it.

(high-pitched voice) The -- The bellboy said --

Yes, there it is.

The bellboy said you both need to pick up a bag

in the steam room.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for the message, hun.

(British accent) Now your worst fear will come true!

(laughs)

This is the same guy that bit my finger

'cause I was holding a piece of cake.

Hello?

Stan-o? Franny?

Luggage doesn't seem to be here yet.

Might as well grab some pine, get slick.

BARRY: In that steam is a chemical aphrodisiac

that makes humans

1,000 times hornier

than is naturally possible.

No matter their agreement not to swing before,

they won't be able to resist doing it now!

Don't you want to see your parents punished,

young Steven?

For not letting you do what you wanted?

But they only ever did that because they worry about me.

And now you're gonna mess up my family?

That's makin' me mad, Barry,

gettin' me real frustrated...

Don't you do it, Steven. Don't you go bananas.

Oh, it's happening...

-Don't you dare. -No stopping it now...

-You best not go bananas. -Here I go!

(shouting, screaming)

♪♪

(slow-motion screaming)

♪♪

Mom and Dad!

(steam hisses)

Oh, no! I'm too late!

You all had sex!

Yes, but only with our respective partners.

We hung up a towel as a barrier.

Although we did fist-bump each other through it quite a bit.

We told you we could maintain boundaries for ourselves.

Oh. That's a relief.

This whole scene here is still really gross to me.

I'll see you guys in the car.

You guys know what my favorite part of having sex is?

That end part. That crazy feeling.

Bye! Have a great time!