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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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Good night.
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There's a new trolley I'll show you now.
It's a very famous... You know what?
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It's a great joke.
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Now, I must tell you this. I want to
hear it myself. Now, listen.
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It's about the faith healer.
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And he said to this man, he said, how's
your brother?
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And he said, he's ill.
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And the faith healer said, no, no, no.
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He only thinks he's ill. He said, no,
he's ill.
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He looks ill. He looks ill.
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He said, no.
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He said, I'm telling you, he looks ill.
I looked at him the other day. He looks
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ill.
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So two weeks later, he met him again. He
said, how's your brother?
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He said, he thinks he's dead.
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There's the trick now.
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Look at that, I'm leaking.
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Here's the trick now with the packed
cards.
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I shall do this trick in a minute, and
after that I shall do pat -a -pat -a
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-a -pat -a.
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Then a little bit more pat -a -pat -a
-pat -a -pat -a.
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And then it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.
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See, now do that trick over there, then
after that it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a
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00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,480
-pat -a -pat.
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00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,600
And then, it's all about this big tall
man with a little girl, see?
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00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:12,100
And they're walking along the street
like that, and he says, pat -a -pat -a
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00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,100
-a to her, see?
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And she goes, oh, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a
-pat.
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And he goes, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.
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And the end of it, listen to this.
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He goes, ha -ha -ha.
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I wish I wasn't doing it.
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Don't listen to the end of it.
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And he said, See?
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And then he said, When you come to the
umbrella, it's mine.
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It took me 15 years to do this trick.
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15 years of self -denial.
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00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,360
And hard work. 50 years. I'm going to
spread them all along here like that and
41
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,360
then catch them like that.
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All along there like that. That's to
catch them like that.
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50 years it's taken me to do this.
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Oh, my teeth itch.
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50 years wasted.
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Thank you, Ben.
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Thank you.
48
00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:55,830
Thank you very much. Ladies and
gentlemen, all I really want to say at
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00:04:55,830 --> 00:05:00,030
point is that, owing to building
reconstruction, I'm afraid I've had to
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00:05:00,030 --> 00:05:02,050
the Ray Allen School of Ventriloquism.
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00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:06,270
Now, please, it's only going to be for
about six months.
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00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,040
But I must ask those of you at home, my
pupils who are watching, will you please
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00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,760
carry on with your lessons, keep
practising, because as soon as we're
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00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,600
reopen, I'll notify you. So don't worry.
Only for six months. All right?
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00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:17,960
Thank you.
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00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:21,800
Ray? What is it?
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What's the matter?
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00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:26,260
That's terrible, closing your skull
down, isn't it?
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00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:28,900
What? Well, I'm right in the middle of
your course.
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00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,840
You can't leave me like this.
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Like what?
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Well, talking with two mouths.
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00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,490
That's right, you tell him, Tom. I did
tell him.
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Well, I didn't hear.
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00:05:39,310 --> 00:05:40,310
Well, listen next time.
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00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:42,610
I was listening.
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Oh, shut up.
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What an advert for my school.
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It was good, wasn't it?
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Are you a fully paid -up member? Yes.
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It was excellent.
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Brilliant! Did you hear that? Yes, I
heard that.
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00:06:02,670 --> 00:06:04,210
You can't see my lips, can you?
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00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:06,690
No. No, no, your lips are fantastic.
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00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:10,670
Yes. Actually, Tom, I tell you what,
take the weight off your feet. Sit there
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00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:11,670
minute. All right, yes.
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Because your lips are really quite
remarkable.
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00:06:15,530 --> 00:06:17,470
There's only one thing. May I just make
a suggestion?
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Yes, yes. Your lips are motionless. Shut
up, he's not talking. I'm talking to
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him.
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00:06:23,190 --> 00:06:24,190
Yes.
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00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:28,350
Your lips are motionless. Yes. But you
must try and stop your face from moving
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either side of them.
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That's all.
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I think it's an all right liberty.
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It's not my fault, is it? You closed
your school.
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00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,620
I mean, I was going to make it a part of
my act.
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00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,200
You weren't, were you? Yes, I was.
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00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,020
Well, let's face it. Your progress has
been a bit slow, hasn't it? I mean,
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it took me 12 months to teach you to
say, got in the gear for a bottle of
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Well, it's not easy, is it?
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Am I right? Yes.
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00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,300
Took me... Well, stop ad -libbing. Yeah,
stop it.
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00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,970
I wouldn't care, but it took me six
months to... Get off!
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00:07:07,070 --> 00:07:09,090
Oh, leave my... I've got my thumb for
you.
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00:07:10,310 --> 00:07:15,250
Sorry. It took me six months to teach
you to say bottle of beer, and that was
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without the dummy.
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Well, it's all right for you, isn't it?
I mean, you've had your appendix out.
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00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:22,890
What's it got to do with it? I don't
know.
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00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:26,210
Tell you what I'll do.
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00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:30,130
I'll teach you the pièce de résistance
of all ventriloquists. Yes.
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00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:35,220
how to sing a song and drink a bottle of
gear at the same time.
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Is that right?
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Yeah. Do you like that? Yes, all right.
All right.
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Okay, now make sure the dummy's
comfortable.
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That's the main thing.
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All right. My thumb's getting dead raw
in there.
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Okay.
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00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:52,020
What are you doing?
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Making the club room.
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00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,140
You can't leave it like that!
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Goodness me, come and sit down. You
can't leave an inanimate object. Put it
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00:08:01,270 --> 00:08:04,070
your lap. What do you mean, then? They
don't see it like that. No?
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00:08:04,870 --> 00:08:06,510
These people have got to believe he's
real.
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00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:12,050
The whole point of the thing. You're
going to kill the illusion.
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Let them see him lying there. Just
nothing. No movement.
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Oh, all right. All right.
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00:08:18,670 --> 00:08:20,550
Yes. All right. Yes. Oh, God.
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I don't know. Yes, yes. All right. Sorry
about that.
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There's a guardsman on sentry, you see.
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He's on guard duty.
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And it's about four o 'clock in the
morning. It's very dark.
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He's got the rifle there.
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And
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he's
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standing there about four o 'clock in
the morning.
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Very dark.
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And he falls asleep.
129
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:04,960
Now, that's a crime, isn't it?
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00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:08,080
I mean, they can put him aside for that.
131
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Straight away.
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00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:12,500
So he's standing there asleep like that.
133
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:14,960
Not like that, like that.
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00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:20,140
Just standing there.
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00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,200
And all of a sudden, the sergeant major
comes round with the only officer.
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00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:26,900
Marshal like that.
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00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,130
And now he's standing right in front of
him.
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And there he is asleep.
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And there's the sergeant major like
that.
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But all of a sudden, he just opens his
eyes just a little bit like that.
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00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:56,830
Not much, just a little bit like that.
142
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,220
And you can see him standing there, you
see.
143
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,960
So he's got to think quick now, hasn't
he?
144
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,900
Yeah, otherwise he's got to be inside.
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00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,680
So he stands like that for a few
minutes.
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00:10:13,620 --> 00:10:15,200
And he opens his eyes, he says, Amen.
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00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:27,820
I'd like to give you a typical
impression of a man, an old man about
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a holiday.
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00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,580
On a holiday, and he thinks he's about
20.
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00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,240
We all do, don't we?
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00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,460
And he goes down to the beach, to the
pool like this.
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00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:48,700
And he said, the laugh, hello, hello, he
says.
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00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,400
Where's all the girls then?
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What, they're not here yet?
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Oh, dear.
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00:11:04,170 --> 00:11:05,950
And the other one is about the show
-off.
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00:11:06,590 --> 00:11:11,270
The one on the high board, the diamond
board, the very high diamond board, the
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show -off. There's always one.
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00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:57,120
I'd like to do this month's mystery
movie.
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00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,920
And I call it a mystery movie because I
don't know what I'm going to do.
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00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,100
Until I do it.
162
00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:06,930
Oh, yes, I know what it is.
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00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,950
It's that very old classic, as you see
in the films, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
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00:12:11,890 --> 00:12:13,330
And I play all the three parts.
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00:12:16,490 --> 00:12:20,590
Now, you know, it's a story of a man
that takes a drink and he turns ugly and
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00:12:20,590 --> 00:12:21,590
nasty.
167
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:22,950
You know what I mean, Dick?
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00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:28,850
He's ugly and nasty, but not unusual.
169
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,300
The very nice Dr. Jekyll.
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00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,520
That's nice, isn't it?
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00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,380
Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
172
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,280
Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
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00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,859
Hello, Mrs.
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00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:56,920
Blinkistop. How are you today?
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00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:58,840
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
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00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:01,900
A little bit nice here, a little bit
nice there.
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00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,490
What? You feel a little bit run down.
That's because you lack iron.
178
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:09,250
Now, I want you to go home and eat some
nail sandwiches.
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00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:14,410
Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
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00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:18,350
And throw a few nuts and bowls in as
well.
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00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:21,730
I say goodbye, Mrs. Blinkerson. Goodbye,
now.
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00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:23,630
And now to enjoy myself.
183
00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:35,220
I can feel I'm faint.
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00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,100
My hands!
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00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:39,540
My hands! Where are my hands?
186
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:41,640
Oh, there they are.
187
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,600
I'm just nervous, that's all.
188
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,140
What is it?
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00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,480
Evil, evil, evil.
190
00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:28,840
Evil. Another patient.
191
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,960
They mustn't see me like this.
192
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:33,440
I must hide.
193
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:50,680
I'm telling him to see it through, isn't
it?
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00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:55,860
I've got it!
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00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:59,180
Ah! Ah!
196
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,300
Ah!
197
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,080
Ah!
198
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,100
Ah!
199
00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:08,080
Wait a minute, I'm changing.
200
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:12,700
I'm changing.
201
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,720
One more drink.
202
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,360
I'll feel better now.
203
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:20,920
I'm back to my old self.
204
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,120
The time of Dr.
205
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:23,500
Jethro.
206
00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:28,940
Jethro.
207
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,659
What's that?
208
00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:32,740
The last patient's gone home?
209
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,320
Why'd you say so?
210
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,520
Why'd you tell me even when... Oh,
211
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:38,980
yes,
212
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:41,300
why do you say so?
213
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,600
Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
214
00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:49,420
Nice, nice.
215
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:51,410
One drink for the road.
216
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:52,910
Ah.
217
00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:54,230
Ah.
218
00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:56,030
Ah.
219
00:15:56,570 --> 00:15:57,570
Ah.
220
00:15:58,210 --> 00:15:59,290
Ah. Ah.
221
00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:03,710
Ah. Ah.
222
00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:05,430
Ah.
223
00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:10,030
What?
224
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:11,870
Who's speaking? It's me.
225
00:16:13,310 --> 00:16:14,990
Evil, evil. Dr. Hinkle. Huckle.
226
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,190
No.
227
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,250
Who? I don't know who I am now.
228
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,280
We're going to sing it.
229
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,520
See?
230
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,900
And I'll give you a gloppy key at the
same time.
231
00:16:26,740 --> 00:16:29,420
All right? We'll sing My Mother's Eyes
together with a gloppy key at the same
232
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:30,420
time.
233
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,020
One bright and guiding light.
234
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,760
I drink and I sing at the same time.
235
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,040
That's the whole point.
236
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,220
The whole point? I don't like beer.
237
00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:15,819
How about a whiskey? Give me a whiskey.
All right.
238
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:17,339
You all right, son?
239
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:19,839
Look at me, son.
240
00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:26,280
Whiskey, now, this time, remember that
you do the drinking and the singing.
241
00:17:26,819 --> 00:17:27,819
Oh, I see. Okay.
242
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:28,880
Right, here we go, then.
243
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,860
One bright and guiding light.
244
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,480
What do you think you're doing?
245
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,840
You don't do it like that.
246
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:55,320
I'm sorry.
247
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,760
You bring a lump to my throat.
248
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,040
Look, Tommy, I'll try and explain it to
you. Yes.
249
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,880
You hold the glass like that. You put
the glass to your lips. Now you start
250
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,940
drinking while you're singing and they
all applaud as soon as the glass is
251
00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:15,060
because they realise what a clever thing
you've done.
252
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:17,740
OK, right, go ahead.
253
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,570
Do you want to go ahead? What?
254
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:22,850
Do it.
255
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:26,990
I don't know my mother's eyes.
256
00:18:28,910 --> 00:18:29,910
Oh, I'll do it then.
257
00:18:29,930 --> 00:18:31,370
Could you hold him? He's not in this.
Right.
258
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:34,570
Now, watch this.
259
00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:36,570
Thank you.
260
00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:39,710
Thank you.
19010
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