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1
00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:44,940
Bye. Bye. Oh,
2
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,500
don't cry.
3
00:01:49,070 --> 00:01:50,070
I'll tell you.
4
00:01:55,710 --> 00:01:58,730
My wife had her face lifted last week.
5
00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:01,490
But it's not high enough. I can still
see it.
6
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:08,910
Plastic tray.
7
00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:10,870
Full glass cup.
8
00:02:13,290 --> 00:02:15,250
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. What
am I shouting at?
9
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:25,520
this you see i threw this with water
once under there look and that one there
10
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,860
and step on there and that one there
11
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:40,620
it'll
12
00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:47,220
never sell now i put the plastic tray on
there like that now the trick is this
13
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,120
Now, these eggs are so fresh, the hens
haven't missed them yet.
14
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,160
Now, I'd like some here at random.
15
00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,060
Mr. Random.
16
00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:04,140
Would you point at any egg you like?
Which egg would you like?
17
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,500
This one.
18
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,360
Why that one?
19
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,680
Why not that one? This one?
20
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:20,180
All right.
21
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:22,620
Now, what I'm going to do...
22
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,940
egg to show you that it's genuine.
23
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:32,860
Now, what I do is this.
24
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,800
I take one tube there, one tube there,
put it on there like that, and the other
25
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:39,800
tube there.
26
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,120
So that's four tubes of four glasses.
27
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,560
And I get four fresh eggs.
28
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,320
Now, I can't break these, otherwise I'll
have no trick left.
29
00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:53,950
So we assume they're all right.
30
00:03:54,950 --> 00:03:56,050
I place one there.
31
00:03:57,590 --> 00:03:58,590
One on there.
32
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,500
What I have to do, you see, I've got the
water in it to break the fall of the
33
00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:34,500
eggs.
34
00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:40,500
And what I do, I should go like that,
see?
35
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,420
Or I may go like that, I don't know.
36
00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:48,060
Thank you.
37
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,000
And the idea... What?
38
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,220
Yes, all right.
39
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:55,420
I'll do it in a minute.
40
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,820
And the idea, the trick is this. I go
like that.
41
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,280
And the tray goes over there.
42
00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:08,980
And the eggs... They're supposed
43
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:10,060
to go into the glasses.
44
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,720
And I want to know why it hasn't worked.
45
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,240
Just like that.
46
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:24,280
I'd like to point out that you are a
direct line of fire.
47
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,680
If I got one egg in, it'd still be a
good trick, wouldn't it?
48
00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:38,120
Yes? It would, wouldn't it?
49
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,680
And I'd like to tell you... I'll give
you a little tip.
50
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:52,460
If one or two of these eggs fly out...
If they fly out, see, just catch them
51
00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:53,460
like that.
52
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,740
Not like that, because it was all over.
53
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:08,020
Bring out your suspects. Right, well, if
you'd kindly sit down over here, Miss
54
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:12,720
Pringle. I shall recognise the filthy
beast. I shall know his evil face
55
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,920
anywhere. Yes, I'm sure you will, Miss
Pringle.
56
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,800
Cousin, will you bring in the suspects,
please?
57
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,180
Thank you.
58
00:06:20,140 --> 00:06:23,460
Now, we've got a very interesting list
of suspects here for you, Miss Pringle.
59
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,260
The first one is Harry the Flash.
60
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:30,680
He hangs around dark alleyways and unlit
roadways and such like.
61
00:06:31,950 --> 00:06:34,510
Would you please bring in Harry the
Flash?
62
00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:35,809
Here I come.
63
00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:37,150
Come on. Come on.
64
00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:39,090
Hey, don't start me. I don't know.
65
00:06:39,770 --> 00:06:40,930
Come on.
66
00:06:41,350 --> 00:06:42,350
He's got me right in the throat.
67
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,390
I don't know.
68
00:06:44,750 --> 00:06:45,870
Don't start that on me.
69
00:06:55,030 --> 00:06:56,610
Hold that.
70
00:06:57,130 --> 00:07:01,370
Now, you can see, Miss Brindley, he's a
very undesirable character, Ian.
71
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:02,790
He never washes.
72
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,710
Well, then it's certainly not the man.
73
00:07:04,910 --> 00:07:08,470
No. Now, would you please bring in the
next suspect, Constable?
74
00:07:08,830 --> 00:07:11,390
No. Bring in Charles St.
75
00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:14,370
John Backwater. What are you going to
ask for? Just get off. Get off.
76
00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:20,990
Now, the... What's that? What's that?
Get off.
77
00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:25,890
The next character, Miss Brickle, is
Charles St.
78
00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:29,950
John Backwater, otherwise known as
Charlie the Con.
79
00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:36,830
Now, he frequents resorts like Nice and
Cairns, and he relieves widows
80
00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:42,330
of all their loot. Would you, uh, would
you please send in Charlie the car?
81
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,030
Hello.
82
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:46,550
Hello.
83
00:07:49,190 --> 00:07:53,850
Hello, hello, hello.
84
00:07:57,090 --> 00:08:02,050
He doesn't usually... frequent these
parts, so I doubt whether it's him. It
85
00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:07,190
could be him. Yeah, and he's also a wife
-beater. Oh, but it's not him. No. Now,
86
00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:10,230
well, please bring in the next suspect,
Constable, if you would.
87
00:08:10,770 --> 00:08:12,250
Just get off. Look at this.
88
00:08:12,990 --> 00:08:17,010
Sorry about that.
89
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:24,330
Now, the next, uh, Constable, uh, the
next suspect, he's, um, he's 22, and
90
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:26,290
Would you care to sit down? Thanks,
Constable.
91
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,860
And he's six foot two.
92
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,320
And he's a vagrant.
93
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:34,659
And he's not ready yet.
94
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:42,559
And he's not ready for society yet. In
other words,
95
00:08:42,659 --> 00:08:46,220
he's a local gypsy character known as
Rudolph.
96
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,540
But I doubt whether he's your man,
because he's a very nasty bit of work.
97
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:04,250
That's not the plan.
98
00:09:04,350 --> 00:09:07,110
No. I'd like another look at Charlie the
con. Yes.
99
00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:11,730
Yeah, well, would you please bring back
Charlie the con? I think he's gone home,
100
00:09:11,770 --> 00:09:12,770
sir. Look in the front.
101
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:14,630
Get it back. Get it back.
102
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:19,150
I'm very sorry about this, Miss Pringle.
103
00:09:19,390 --> 00:09:23,630
I think the chief constable will hear
about this. I'm sure he will. You see,
104
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,850
can even... Hello, hello.
105
00:09:28,270 --> 00:09:29,730
How do you do? Here I am again.
106
00:09:30,050 --> 00:09:31,050
Well, that's...
107
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,810
Haven't you got any more nice suspects?
108
00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,610
Yeah, would you please bring in some
more suspects?
109
00:09:37,030 --> 00:09:39,110
There aren't any more suspects. Just get
off and get a look at the lost
110
00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:40,570
property, ma 'am. The lost property.
111
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:45,230
I'm terribly sorry. We're getting a very
poor class of suspect here these days.
112
00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:50,030
Evidently. I mean, we are casting our
net, you know. We are casting it in
113
00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:52,150
rotting and middle rotting.
114
00:09:57,270 --> 00:09:58,270
So stunning.
115
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,200
Well, it wasn't my fault, Sarge.
116
00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:16,260
I was running on the bike, you see. Yes.
117
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:21,000
And this lady was in front of me, and a
lorry came towards us, and I just waved
118
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:21,479
it on.
119
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,140
You mean, just like that?
120
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:25,400
No, not like that. Just like that.
121
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,160
Oh, Moses.
122
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,900
I told her, do you know about we have a
change?
123
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:41,080
It's now my great pleasure to introduce
our next artist.
124
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,560
He's the real reason we joined the
Common Market.
125
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,620
Who's your
126
00:10:52,620 --> 00:10:57,920
friend? Joey.
127
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,960
Joey? It's an ostrich. Oh, don't say it.
He's gone mad.
128
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:04,280
He thinks I'm weird. Oh, he's gone
really mad. Oh, look at him.
129
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,620
Oh, he's gone mad. Calm him down.
130
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,499
What do I do?
131
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,620
Play some music. Music?
132
00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:10,820
Music!
133
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,480
Cut one, two, three. All right?
134
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:53,640
One.
135
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:21,880
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
136
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,040
I don't know
137
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,840
Tonight, live from the Glassblowers
Hall, Winslow, we give you a match
138
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,180
Arthur Ludgrove, Southern Area
Professional Super Champion.
139
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:45,680
Good evening.
140
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,460
And Terence Cooper, Amateur Champion of
the Northeast.
141
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,880
Now, this will be a very exciting match.
142
00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:06,540
The best of three friends.
143
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,020
What sort of an outfit do you call that?
144
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,340
What sort of an outfit do you call that?
145
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,360
My... My plus threes.
146
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,360
They should have been plus fours, but
they shrank.
147
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,000
You are Terence Cooper, amateur snooker
champion. Nearly right.
148
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,000
No, I'm Thomas Cooper, amateur golf
champion.
149
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:27,720
I see.
150
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,240
Tonight, live, well, there seems to be a
bit of a mix -up, but I'm sure we can
151
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,840
sort it out. See, I've got this letter
you see.
152
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:34,300
Invite me.
153
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:35,460
What snooker?
154
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,320
It's a game with balls and a sort of a
stick.
155
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:40,880
No, that's golf.
156
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,840
Yes, it is similar.
157
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:45,180
Mr Cooper, will you begin?
158
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:46,580
Yes,
159
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:47,800
yes.
160
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,320
Yes, one of those little mix -ups.
161
00:17:06,890 --> 00:17:09,089
billiard table. You're quite right.
There's only six holes.
162
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:12,970
That's why I'd better break first.
163
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:17,270
Yes, I think perhaps you'd better. Now
look, you just do what I do, right? Yes.
164
00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:19,069
Do you mind?
165
00:17:19,589 --> 00:17:20,589
Thank you.
166
00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:23,770
What are you trying to do?
167
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,010
Oh, sorry.
168
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:52,540
to put some backspin on the cue ball, a
screw shot with a little side, round all
169
00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:55,000
the angles, back into bulk, and then
snooker you behind the green.
170
00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:57,060
Why not?
171
00:17:58,780 --> 00:17:59,780
What's he talking about?
172
00:18:05,340 --> 00:18:06,319
Your turn.
173
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,540
This is going to be very tricky, this.
174
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,200
No, no, no, no. There's a cue.
175
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,880
Who's in front of me?
176
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,840
is to put the ball into a pocket.
177
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,340
No, no, no. Give me here.
178
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:29,840
Right, right.
179
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:30,960
Thank you.
180
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,040
Like this, see?
181
00:18:33,060 --> 00:18:34,039
There we are.
182
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,040
In the pocket.
183
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,780
Then you put all the coloured balls, you
see?
184
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:42,080
Yellow, brown, blue, green, pink and
black.
185
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,500
Somebody wants to say I'm colourblind.
186
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,520
You just do the best you can.
187
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:52,880
Right. Of course, you may need a rest.
188
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,360
What? A rest under the table.
189
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,300
I'm not tired.
190
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:02,480
What's he talking about?
191
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,620
I can't go on with this guy. He's a
maniac.
192
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,700
He doesn't know how to handle a cue.
Nothing.
193
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,360
I can't. Watch this. Of course I can.
Just watch this.
194
00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:03,690
You think so? Yes.
195
00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,190
I'd like to play a couple of songs for
you.
196
00:20:17,190 --> 00:20:19,810
How they should be sung. Not like Bing
Crosby's Sinatra.
197
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:25,050
Now, how they should be sung.
198
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:27,250
With fear.
199
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,200
Oh, yes. Here we are.
200
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,820
What now, my love?
201
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:52,040
Now that you left me, how can I live for
202
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,320
another day?
203
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,760
What's my dream?
15225
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