All language subtitles for tommy_cooper_1992_s02e03_troubadour_tommy

I wish I was somebody else.

There's a little trick I'd like to show
you now, which I picked up. I don't know

who dropped it.

A little trick now with a piece of rope,
which you can watch very, very closely.

And, uh...

Well, what do you mean, come off? I just
come on.

Now, with a quick flick of the rope,
that's a tired knot at the bottom of the

rope.

Just a little flick.

And my teeth itch.

Just a little flick.

And a big knot appears at the bottom.

What's that?

not appears at the bottom.

A lot of people can't do this.

Look, I'll show you what the knot looks
like. Look, it looks like that.

I wander lowly

as a cloud that floats on hills and
hills.

Anyone here?

How about you? How about you, Dad? No,
he's not my dad.

Don't be miserable.

Would you, sir, think of any number you
like between 1 and 30?

Have you thought of one, sir? Yes.

Right. Now, this is mine of a matter.

If you don't mind, I don't matter.

It's the form of hypnotism.

And they say that hypnotism is from the
mind. Well, it's not. It's from the

hips.

Think of that number all the time, sir.

Think of it all the time.

And I won't influence you in any way at
all.

24, 24, 24.

24, 24, 24.

24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24.

Your number said 24!

No!

I told you not to tell me, didn't I?

Well, would you believe what I said?
Inside here, I've got an envelope with a

sealed... It's completely sealed. Inside
is a number.

Now, what was your number, sir? Be
honest.

17. 17.

And here's the sealed envelope.

Inside here with a number.

Oh, there's a monkey here somewhere.
Sort out yourself.

happened to him on the way here tonight.

Alas, poor York, I knew him well.

He went to a dance the other night.

Sat all by himself in the corner.

He got no buddy to dance with.

Thank you.

No buddy to dance.

That's right, isn't it?

You're not saying much tonight, are you?
What's the matter?

It's nothing to do with me, so I'll tell
you that.

It's just that I've been on a diet,
that's all.

What's happened to this?

Let go.

Oh, you've been on a diet. Oh, a jolly
jester. Yes, that's right. Yeah, a jolly

jester.

I used to be a king's jester.

Liar. I thought you'd never start.

Is that right? Yeah, that's right.

Look at me, son. Look at me.

I'm looking at you.

Here's a joke. Here's one now for you.
Here's one now.

This is the real ghillie laugh. I mean,
the ghillie laugh. The real ghillie

laugh, is it?

Right.

Son, tell me something, son. What?

Who... Who's turn is it? Oh, yes.

Who's... Have you ever read... Have you
ever read your eyes checked?

No, they've always been blue.

Very funny. Very funny.

Keep your eyes on the lips. Very funny,
isn't it?

Very funny.

But remember, Yorick does the funnies.

Now, here's another one. Here's another
one. Look, here we go.

Two flies.

Two flies!

Two flies!

Two flies, flies, flies!

We're playing football, see?

In a saucer.

And one said to the other,

Tomorrow we're playing in the cup.

Dr.

Don. Oh, thank you.

Yes.

I see that your grandfather, Hector
Cooper, incurred an enormous debt after

he was dead. Now, how was that, Tom?
Well, he was buried in a hive suit.

Oh.

Oh, yes, sir.

There we are. Thank you. Thank you very
much.

What's the matter?

I've forgotten to stir it.

What everybody will want to know in your
autobiography, Thomas, how you came to

take up conjuring. Now, how did that
happen? So I went and saw this conjurer,

you see, at this theatre, and he was
terrible, terrible, terrible.

Yes? See?

Yes.

Well, go on.

I forgot what I was talking about.

Terrible conjurer. Oh, yes, yes. He was
so, so, so.

And so, so, so.

So, so, so.

What's the word I'm trying to think of?

Terrible. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, I was watching this conjurer, and I
said to myself, because I was the only

one there at the time, I said to myself,
I

looked at him and I said, oh, he's
terrible.

And I thought, I'd like to be like him.
Terrible.

Tell me when the bus got very annoying.

Tell me, stop me if you've heard it.
Stop.

I'm not talking to you.

He just said, stop me if you've heard
it. I said, stop. I don't care whether

you've heard it. They haven't heard it.

He was always saying, stop.

And he said, stop. All right, then.

There's no one who can pick on me all
the time. You've heard it.

They haven't heard it.

I'm not annoyed.

I'm not annoyed.

This fellow was very annoyed.

Sitting on the bus, the fellow kept
staring at him.

He said, what are you staring at? He
said, if it wasn't for that moustache,

you'd look exactly like my wife.

The fellow said, but I haven't got a
moustache.

And the other fellow said, no, but my
wife has.

I'm not annoyed. No, you're not annoyed.
You're confused.

Like the fellow that didn't know the
difference between margarine and

You know what happened?

All his windows fell out. All his
windows fell out.

I'm not annoyed.

No, you're not annoyed.

He fell off again.

Leave him alone.

All right.

He's alone then. All right.

All right.

Do my paper chairing trick.

All right.

Now then, this trick... ladies and
gentlemen, I've performed in every

the world, in front of kings, queens,
lords and ladies, 14 times at Buckingham

Palace, 24 times at the Houses of
Parliament, as you take the four corners

first, making sure that each and every
corner is exactly the same as it was

before. You fold the paper in half, you
tear another little piece out of the

middle, and when you've done so, you
fold it back again.

And in doing this, you add put one hole
right back. in the centre.

And this is called the Jacob's Ladder.

What's the problem? I didn't touch
anything.

Please take it out!

I didn't do anything at all.

I would like to say that this gentleman
has never met or seen me before.

You've never seen me before, have you?
Yes.

Where? Doors 3, 1932.

Doors 1932.

We've got a comedian amongst us.

Michael, things have changed a lot since
then.

Your tricks haven't.

Do the paper tear. I'm annoyed.

Stand still.

Leave things alone.

Jacob's lab, ladies and gentlemen.

Will you put things down?

When he's finished, he goes 45 feet in
the air.

A seal climbs to the top.

Balance is on his nose.

I'd like to say this quickly. I invented
this myself.

It's the vanishing balloon.

But I haven't got it right to perfection
at the moment.

But when I do, it'll be the greatest
fantasy trick in the world.

I mean that.

There's just one little small thing that
bothers me.

And when I can overcome that, it'll be
the greatest trick you've ever seen.

one small thing that I've got to
overcome.

And that's the thing that bothers me.

If I could get rid of that bang...

The poles are not long enough. I'm
sorry.

Get off.

No, it's not long enough. Get off. Get
off.

Get off.

Darling, put the kettle on, will you?

Are you done or not? Suit you.

Do you know, my wife, she never stops
talking.

Nets, she'd talk, talk, talk, talk all
the time.

And I was going along on my motorbike
the other day, she was sitting at the

of me, still talking, all the time.

And I was going along and a police car
stopped me. I said, what have I done? He

said, nothing.

He said, well, I thought I'd like to
tell you your wife fell off three miles

back.

I said, thank goodness for that. I
thought I was going to stone death.

Now, here's a little trick I'd like to
show you now. It's a very famous...

this very, very closely.

And when I finish this trick, I don't
want any applause at all.

I want everybody to stand up and sing,
for he's a jolly good fellow.

Do you know, I'll give anything. You can
sit out there and watch this.

My wife the other day was looking at a
fashion book.

And she pulled it to her fur coat. She
said, I want that.

So I cut it out and gave it to her.

Hey.

I'll tell you what I'll do now. I'll
show you how it's done.

No, that's the wrong one.

What are your knees?

There's two hangers.

What are your knees? Two hangers. One
yellow and one red.

See? Now then.

What you do... Do you see me pick that
up?

I'm not afraid of work.

Now, before you start the trick...
Before you start the trick, you see, you

the red one in your hand first.

But you don't let anyone see you do
this. You do this quietly, secretly,

the bed.

Just there like that, you see. You keep
it there all the time.

My back's killing me.

I've strained my back. I have.

I was playing piggyback, my little boy,
and I fell off.

haggard you've been there you see and
you keep it there all the time then you

put the yellow one on top the red one
which you know is already there but keep

this hand closed all the time otherwise
they see the red haggard keep it closed

all the time you see now

you put the yellow haggard on top the
red one

which you know is already there here's a
little tip

don't Don't do this. Don't show a bit of
yellow and a bit of red.

Because if you do that, you give the
game away. They know that you've got two

handkerchiefs. So you must make sure you
push the yellow one well down in the

hand first, like that.

Well down in the hand first.

Keep it closed, because otherwise this
time they'll see the yellow one. Keep it

closed all the time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I want you to have a look at this.

Make sure there's no trapdoors.

No way out, except in the front.

Just look at that.

Just go in and have a look.

That's enough.

I'll get my assistant, Olga, who will
come on on your notice.

My beautiful assistant, Olga, got her
hands tied behind her back.

Would you accept it or not, sir?

Where's he gone now?

Where's he gone?

Don't worry.

We'll do it ourselves. Hold up. Go into
the candle, darling.

That's right.

Smile.

With my Chinese wand and a few Chinese
magic words, you must notice... I'm not

doing it. Hi, hi.

Prespo, she has disappeared from my
Chinese cabinet.

Why haven't you disappeared?

Maybe she's not trying to eat.

Go into the dressing room.

Go.

I'm not annoyed.

All right, now, don't be annoyed. It's
my last trick.

I'm not annoyed, I'm not annoyed. My
last trick. Yes?

With one piece of silk handkerchief.

My disappearing ball trick.

Now, just hold it still.

Very, very careful.

I placed the handkerchief over the top
of the ball like so.

Could have a roll on the jump.

Hit the ball up, that's all.

Beautiful.

Hey, Peto!

On a clear day.

On a clear day.

On a clear day.

On a clear day.

On a clear day. On a clear day. On a
clear day. On a clear day. On a clear

On a clear day. On a clear day. On a
clear day.

On a clear day. On a clear day. On a
clear

day.