All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S04E19.iNTERNAL.DSNP.WEB.h264-EDITH.en[cc]

♪ Look up there ♪

-♪ What do you see? ♪
-♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪

-♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
-[all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪

-♪ Catch some fish ♪
-♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Hup, the Great North ♪

-♪ Here we live ♪
-[all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪

-♪ Here we'll stay ♪
-♪ Whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North ♪

[cheering]

[eagle squawks]

Okay. That's it.
I cannot enjoy my breakfast

with that eagle looking at me
with his nasty, little beady eyes.

-[eagle squawks]
-All right. [grunts]

It's not Toby's fault his eyes are nasty.
He has bird pink eye.

Even more reason to keep him away from me.

Don't worry, Honeybee.
I'm co-babysitting Toby with Moon,

and no one will be getting
avian conjunctivitis on my watch.

I know, that's right.
I will kick that bird.

Dad, you know Roy only asked me
to watch his eagle.

And you should have asked me
before you said yes.

So now I will babysit you,
babysitting this taloned predator.

Uh-oh, trouble in "papa-dise".

Moon, I know you love wildlife,

but recent incidents require me
to pump the parental brakes.

I support all of your interests unless
and until they might cause your death.

Why, whatever could you mean, Father?

[samba music playing]

-[Beef] Moon.
-Oh. Congrats, Dad, you're a grandpa. Ow.

Moon, pull over right now.

Ya! Ya! Ya!

Careful. These are a little spicy.

-[bear chews]
-Moon!

-[music ends]
-[sighs] Dad, you gotta relax.

Working with wild animals is my calling.

[chuckling] So true.
It's like I always say,

if Dr. Hammond had called you,

Jurassic Park would still be
a fun vacation destination for families.

[Toby squawks]

How do you even babysit an eagle?

What, you make him macaroni and cheese?

Check for monsters under his eagle bed
and tuck it in?

He only eats raw meat, Ham.
And he sleeps standing up.

Aw, just like Mom when she passed out
in that phone booth near Danky's.

-[Toby squawks]
-Well, if that eagle's staying,

I'll be spending my Saturday
in the guest house.

The only large bird I respect
is Larry Bird.

Call me if you ever babysit his giant ass.

I'll join. I have almost no interest
in having my gorgeous face pecked off.

Although a scar could give me
a nice air of mystery.

Uh, but no, no. No, no, no.
No. I'm coming.

I don't mind beagles which are dog eagles,
but Toby can go to hell.

And I'll come too, 'cause I just
let one loose from my caboose.

So we're all about to get pink eyed.
Let's go.

-[Moon and Judy] Ew.
-[Beef] Dirt.

[Toby squawks]

All right. Now we can spend
the rest of the day

not worrying about a razor-beak demon
murdering us. What should we do?

I know. We could work
on our Michael Caine impressions.

[clears throat] "I'm Michael Caine... Coo!"

I have my work cut out for me.

We could play poker.

Hold on. What the hell kind
of comic cards are these?

Is this the Ace of Kremlins?

Those are tarot cards.

They were a favorite
at my spooky cousin Laura's wedding.

Ooh. Tarot. I could do some readings.

Let's see. Instructions say
you just flip over three cards...

Ooh. So spooky.

Oh, but before you do that you're
supposed to ask a specific question.

Okay. Uh, how about this?
How will my day turn out?

-But just till, like, 4:00?
-Why 4:00?

'Cause that's when I'm meeting Crispin
after his shift at the mall.

We're gonna split cheese fries,

so... [chuckles] ...I already know
that'll be so dope.

[clears throat] Cards,
this is Judy from the main house.

[clears throat] Hello.
How will Ham's Day turn out?

-Just till, like, 4:00.
-Right. Just till, like, 4:00.

Oh, cool. Am I gonna watch Bones?

No. It's, uh, death.

All right. I don't like that.

No, I think you need all three cards
to know what you're really in for.

-[Judy] Ooh.
-Oh, no. That's a pair of Deaths.

That's a good hand. I'd raise.

-[Ham groans]
-One more card to go.

Okay. This one will surely be fine.

-[Judy] Oh, God.
-[Ham gasps]

-Oh, no. Judy, it's happening again.
-What is?

I have a horrible gift
for predicting deaths.

When I was six, I got a fortune cookie
that said I would experience a great loss.

And that night my snail Mr. Fettuccine

-[young Judy screams]
-died.

Natural causes, he was 26, but still.

And after that, her power only grew.

A few years later, while playing Ouija,
the board spelled out "float."

Shortly after, we found
our fish Bubble gum dead.

And he was floating.

Okay. So Judy's a witch.
I'll get the matches. Let's burn her.

And a really freaky one
was just two years ago,

when I dreamt I died of thirst
at a summer cookout.

Where are the damn matches?

And then the morning after,
I heard on the news

that the guy who voiced
the Kool-Aid Man had died.

Busted through that wall
between this life and the next.

So, uh, looks like my life will be over
by 4:00 p.m. today.

No, I won't let that happen.

No, I won't let that happen.
Hamilton. You're in luck.

Because no one's seen all the
Final Destination movies more than me.

I've seen each one 105 times.

Do you hear that, death? You got
Honeybee Shaw-Tobin to deal with today.

-[Judy] Oh, God!
-[all scream]

It looks like death
accepted your challenge.

Yeah, I mean, it has been happening a lot.

I've been bothering Wolf to fix it,
but... It's on.

Honeybee, I absolutely believe
you can save me from death's bony grasp.

But just in case,
I'd like to get to my Crispin.

If I'm dying, I want one more kiss,

and if I cheat death,
I do want those fries.

Hmm. Getting to the mall will be risky
with death on our tails,

but I think we can do it.
We need to put Ham in a bubble.

I'll gather the pillows and the duct tape.

Good man. And we got to avoid planes,
driving behind a logging truck.

And don't even think about getting
laser eye surgery, young man.

[gasps] Oh, no. I just thought about it.

Okay. Time for his feeding.
I'll get his meats.

Whoo-hoo. This is fun. Huh?

I'm lovin' this whole
Three Men and a Baby vibe.

-Mmm.
-Maybe I should run out for some diapers.

The three of us trying
to change a cranky, wild eagle

is sure to produce some fun shenanigans.

Wolf, Toby isn't a baby.

He's technically older than you
in eagle years.

Boss. I wonder if he can add me
to his health insurance.

-[Toby squeaks]
-Oh, hey, Moon,

what do you say we do that together
from a much safer distance?

Uh, up. Ah. See? There you go?

Dad, this isn't cornhole.

Well, true. But Toby's mouth
is also a deadly weapon.

Picking up some serious
Selleck and Gutte vibes here, guys.

You both wanna be great dads,

but your parenting styles are as different
as your chest hair situations.

-[Toby squawks]
-Oh.

I'm opening the cage.
Everyone stay still, please.

-[Toby continues]
-Moon, absolutely not.

Dad, I gotta get him out
to do his eye drops. I know how.

And he could claw your face off.

I'll go get my snare pole,

so I can position his head
for you in the cage.

[Toby squeaks]

Okay. Time to come out, bud. There you go.

Oh, so you're just gonna, uh,
do what Dad told you not to do?

I-I didn't know we could do that.

Wolf, I know what I'm doing.

Moon. What the hell are you doing?

Dad, put the pole away.
You're making him nervous.

-I'm making him nervous?
-[shrieking]

Nature's perfect shredding machine is
currently perched on my ten-year-old son.

I have nervous seniority.

Hey, guys, I just needed
to grab a few pillows... Whoa, whoa!

-[Toby shrieks]
-[Wolf screams]

-[Judy] Oh, Dad, chase him.
-[Moon] Toby's gonna go. No!

Well, crap.

Damn it. That jerk jacked my jerky.

Toby!

Ugh. He's not gonna answer
to his name, Dad.

Well, maybe he'd answer to a rad nickname.

[stammers] Uh, Toblerone.
Uh, "Toby-Wan-Kenobi."

Uh, "T-Alan Rickman" in "Naka-Toby" Tower.
T... I... I'll keep thinking.

He would've never fallen off

if you hadn't made him nervous
with that dumb pole of yours.

-I had it under control.
-Disagree.

You screwed up my first eagle-sitting job.

And now I'll never become
a professional wildlife expert

who goes on late-night shows,
and moonlights as a pet detective

that goes by the alias
"Seth Snake Looker."

Thanks a lot, Dad.

You know, Moon, it's not too late
to turn today

into a fun father-son's outdoor good time.

Just like we had when you were little.

It is too late, since I've resigned
my position as your son.

-Resignation not accepted.
-Resignation resubmitted.

Oops. Denied again.

Whoo, things are getting heated.

Just like when Selleck gave
one of Baby Mary's stuffed animals

to his date for Valentine's Day,
and Danson flipped out.

But by the end of the day,
I bet we'll realize we're all Toby's dads,

and we love them equally
and let's make a sequel.

Aha! Whitewash, aka eagle poop.

Toby can fly, but he can't hide.

-[eagle squawks]
-Sup Tobs.

My guess your old dad's not such
a bad eagle tracker after all. Right, bud?

Father-son fun time engaged.

Actually, there's one small problem.

That's not Toby.

Sure it is. He's got, uh, wings
and a head. Just like the T-man.

Wolf, her wingspan is definitely bigger.

-[eaglets squeaking]
-Of course, there's also the babies.

We didn't find Toby,
but I think we did find his family.

And that mother eagle appears
to be feeding her babies Wolf's jerky.

Oh, lucky birds. It is the best flavor.
Wacky Taco Teriyaki Twister.

Toby probably built this nest
for breeding season.

It's safer than his regular nest
near the post office.

Two nests? Living pretty big, my man.

And since Mom's in this nest,
Toby must be out on the job, hunting.

-Well, we'll just keep looking.
-Uh. Let's split up.

Then I could spend less time
explaining basic eagle facts,

and more time finding Toby.

Nope. It'll be safer if we stick together.

Like in the movie when they lose the baby,

but then they find the baby
by tracking down some cocaine dealers.

Ha! The '80s were a wild time
to be three dads, huh?

You doing okay in there, Ham?

[Ham, muffled] It's hard to talk.
There's a pillow in front of my face.

[sighs] That's better.

I just needed a mouth hole
for my mouth hole.

Come on. We gotta break your date
with death

and keep your date with Crispin.

We'll go very slowly
and keep you alive until 4:00.

But just in case,
I'm gonna make a few calls

to see who might cough up
some cash for your kidneys.

Okay. Now let's surround Ham
and walk him down the driveway to the car.

-[door squeaks]
-Damn door.

-Whoa.
-Ooh.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

A murder icicle almost got you.

-[Ham] Oh. Oh, God.
-[Judy] Go-God!

-[Honeybee] Ooh. Oh, no. Icy patch.
-[Judy screams]

[Ham, Honeybee and Judy scream]

Oh, no. My brother, he's gone.

Oh, wait, no. Ham's fine.

-[Honeybee] Nice try, death.
-[Ham] My whole life flashed before me.

So much time on the toilet.

Moon, I know you think
I'm being a buzzkill.

I would say "barf fart," but, sure.

But you know that I myself used
to be more daring around wildlife.

Ugh. Oh, God. Are you going to tell me
the elk story again?

Oh. This one's a banger, Dad.

I was a young man of just 15 years
on a solo expedition

out in the Tongass National Forest

to take pictures for a 4-H competition
at the county fair.

And that's when I spied it.
A majestic bull elk.

I knew they were dangerous,
so I kept my distance.

Then I slowly
and cautiously got my camera out.

And the elk shook me.

Shook me head to hind.

-Gripped my pants clean off.
-[young Beef screams]

Terrified, I remained
on that tree pantsless till dawn,

afraid my tormentor would return.

You see, Moon, even when exercising
maximal caution around a beast,

a lone outdoorsman can lose his pants.
Or worse, his life.

Your problem wasn't
your lack of backup, Dad.

It was your lack of know-how.

Yeah, Dad.

Uh, sorry, sorry.
Got caught up in the moment.

If the picture was for the county fair,

that places you in the woods
in early August. Is that right?

-Uh, yes.
-Mating season.

There is no amount of caution
high enough near a bull elk

during August or September,
when they are extremely aggressive.

You're lucky to be alive.

-Oh, uh, I wasn't aware of that.
-[Old Jody Jr.] Damn it.

[groans] Oh, hey, Tobins.

Boy, am I glad to see you.
Eagle got me good.

-Toby.
-Yep. He tried to grab the cooler

off the back of my truck.

I was so startled
that I ran right off the road.

Did you see which way he went?

Same way your boy just went.

-What boy?
-Yay high, bear suit.

Was here just a second ago.

Damn it. Moon's gone rogue.

He really is a Guttenberg.
Translation, "lovable scamp."

Huh. Moon's tracks stop right here
and then disappear.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

[stammers] Maybe he can fly?

Like, uh, 'cause he's half owl.

'Cause, uh, Mom had an affair with an owl.

-And, uh...
-[laughs] No, Wolf. What?

Ha! I was total joking.

I do think he might have climbed up
in this tree to get a better view.

And from the top,
he'd have a direct line of sight to...

To that owl that had an affair with Mom?

No, the post office.

Toby's other nest.

-Let's go check there.
-Right, right.

[car horns honking]

Now, Ham, just in case
death comes out on top today,

I think I can get a couple of doubloons
for that gorgeous red hair

down at the wig factory.

So do you mind if I bury you bald?

Aunt Dirt, stop. Ham is not gonna die.

Not if the dozens of Final Destination
characters who lost their lives

so that I can protect Ham,
have anything to say about it.

Knock on wood. Uh. [groans]

Ham, don't. No, no unnecessary movement.
You can't risk it.

[Honeybee] Let me get you close
to the entrance.

When we're walking, death's stalking.

What the hell, Honeybee?
You can't park here.

Uh, sorry, Security Pam.

But my brother-in-law
got three deaths in a tarot reading,

and the reaper is after us
Final Destination style.

So we gotta get him into the mall
to either kiss his boyfriend goodbye,

or have cheese fries with him.

Oh, well, in that case,
I'll give you a security escort.

[shouting] Everybody out of the way.
We got a final destination here.

[groans] No Eagle. No Moon.

Hey, Zoya. Love the look. Super punk rock.

Not punk. Bird tried to steal hat.

Bird strong, but Zoya stronger.

Zoya, did that bird happen to be Toby?

I never snitch, but yes.

Well, wait, where did he go?

[people screaming]

[Toby squawking]

[Toby screeches]

-[Beef] There's moon. Let's go.
-[Toby squawking]

No, my stew meat.
I saved up so many coupons.

-[Toby squeals]
-[screams] Not my fish sticks.

It's Fish Sticks Friday.
Harry will be devastated!

Sir, stay in your car.

Moon, we were supposed to stay together.

Sorry, Dad. But watching Toby today
was my job, so I'm doing it.

-[Toby squawks]
-It was our job.

But how did you know he would be here?

Well, when I saw OJJ's vandalized cooler
that Toby attacked,

I realized Toby wasn't hunting,
he was shopping.

-He goes beef shopping, am I right?
-[Toby squawks]

Toby's number one job right now
is to feed his babies.

-And eagles are kleptoparasitic.
-Bless you.

Thank you. Which means they steal food
gathered by other birds.

But Toby is also partially domesticated.

So I figured he'd come to the place

where it's easiest
to steal food gathered by humans.

But getting Toby under control
is not something you can handle.

Watch me. You guys stand over there
where it's safe.

-Absolutely not. I'll take care of it.
-[people screaming]

Dad, just let me get Toby
back in his cage.

Wolf, take your brother over
to Mrs. Tuntley's car,

-and keep him in there.
-Dad, come on!

Use the childproof locks if you have to.

[groans] I figured those out
when I was three.

Ah, man, you gotta help me out.
I still don't get 'em.

Uh, everyone stay calm.

I called Game Warden Burt
and left a message... [screams]

-Oh, my God!
-Pete, get inside.

And I need to come in and get
some supplies for a Bal-chatri trap.

Sure. And we also have a BOGO
on Rice Krispie Treats you're gonna love.

-Not now, Pete.
-Right, right.

This is as far as I can take you.
My cart can't go up these stairs.

But you could get out and walk up with us.

I wish. Bad knees.

Also, I want to get a soft pretzel.

Bye!

[groans] What if I fall?

Why is this elevator
still under construction?

They've been working on it for so long.

We couldn't take it anyway.

Just ask Nora Carpenter
from Final Destination 2.

Trick question... You can't
because she ain't got no head.

Popped right off like a button
on a pair of jeans that are way too tight.

What do we do?

Ham has trouble with stairs
even when death isn't on his ass.

Looks like we're gonna have to make a stop
at the sporting goods store.

And maybe also for a soft pretzel
cause that sounded good.

[Ham groaning]

Ham, before you climb,

why don't you go ahead and hit me
with your bank account number and ATM pin.

-Just in case this doesn't work.
-Dirt, no.

Okay. Start climbing, Ham. Keep your
center of gravity as low as possible.

[Ham groaning]

Okay, Judy, start looking for hazards.

Near the end of the movies,
the deaths are fully nuts

-and can come from anywhere.
-[Ham groaning]

[Judy] Mmm.

Mmm. [screams]

[roller skater screams]

Argh. Damn thing ate my quarter.

-[machine clicks]
-Ooh.

-[distorted] Ham! Look out!
-[distorted] No!

No! [gulps, chews]

-Ham, Ham. Are you dying?
-[Ham] Mmm-mm.

[smacks lips]
No, it's just really old gum.

Ugh. I'm okay.

I'll get to the rest of the way. [strains]

Or maybe we just walk.

[Toby squawks]

All right. The trap is set.

[Toby squawks]

[strains] Come on, Wolf.

Let me out. Toby is going to dive again.
I can tell by his stance.

Can't. Dad's orders.

But I need to go keep Dad safe.
He's gonna get hurt.

-[Toby squawks]
-Dad!

-[Toby screeches]
-[Beef screams]

No, no, no, no, no!

Sam Malone's Winter's Bones,
Toby's wedging Dad!

-[Toby squawks]
-[screams] No, no!

Somebody's gotta do something.

My dad's butt
can't take much more of this.

Wolf, please I know what to do.

You have to trust me.
You have to let me out.

Moon, I'm gonna say to you
what Danson says to Selleck

when he asks him to watch Mary
so he can go on a date.

Okay.

No, Moon. Stay back. [screams]

-[Toby squawks]
-[Moon] I'm here to help you.

Stay calm, Dad.

Everyone else get back.

Stoop down behind your cars.
No loud sounds.

-Even me.
-Yes.

Thank you for including me.

[screams] Moon, no, get back, back, back.

Dad, if you want to have a butt crack
at the end of this,

I need you to stop yelling.

-[Beef yelling]
-Go limp. Lay down.

-Okay.
-Seriously, stop talking.

-Yep. Sorry.
-Shh.

[Toby squawks]

[Moon] Caw-caw-caw.

-Is that a dead mouse?
-Yep.

You just had that in your pocket?

Yes, I always have one
for things like this.

-You don't?
-No.

Caw-caw-caw.

[Toby squawks]

And while he's swallowing the mouse,
I just leash him up here.

Way to go, Moon.
You saved my favorite dad.

Caw-caw. All right, I've got him leashed.

I'm gonna walk him home.

Don't you want to get him
in his cage first?

-I do not.
-But...

Hey, Dad, there's a time
in Three Men And A Baby,

where Selleck and the goon

had to acknowledge
that Danson was Mary's real dad.

He was in charge and he was the one
who needed to take care of her.

Right. Moon, we'll follow behind you.

Perfect. Just not too close.

[people cheer]

Well done, Moon!

There he is, Ham. Go say goodbye.

-Crispin.
-Ham?

Yes, it's me.

I came to say farewell forever.

Or get fries if I live.

Uh, what?

Wait, what's going on with the kiosk?

Oh. A ground squirrel fell out
of a light fixture

right into one of the blenders
and I accidentally blended it to death.

So we're closed. Possibly forever.

Waiting to hear from corporate.

Also, I'm deeply traumatized.

Wait, a ground squirrel died?

Judy, your witchcraft wasn't about Ham.

Oh! I just killed a ground squirrel.
Not my brother.

-[clocks chiming]
-And...

We did it. We beat death.
In your face. [grunting]

Time to take these pillows off
and get some fries.

Okay. What are you... What is happening?

Oh, crap.

I forgot I took my pants off
to get a better pillow fit.

Will you be embarrassed
to get fries with me?

Are you kidding? It would be my honor.

I'll even take my pants off too.

We did it. We saved Ham.

I mean, I don't think
he was actually ever in danger,

-but...
-Shh, shh, shh.

You think he still has some of that
dead ground squirrel smoothie back there?

I'm a little parched.

Welp, we were out of rubbing alcohol,

but I poured a bunch of tequila
down my butt area

and slapped on a bandage.

Are you ready to apologize to Toby?

No, Toby can rot.

-But I am ready to apologize to you.
-Okay.

Moon, I'm sorry, I didn't trust you
to take care of the eagle

on your own today.

It's okay, Dad.

I'm sorry that I know more than you
about wildlife.

Oh, Moon. That doesn't bother me.
I love that you do. I'm proud.

But seeing you with wild animals
still sometimes scares the crap out of me.

-[chuckles] It's a dad thing.
-Papa's gotta pop.

You're gifted
and I can't hold you back and I shouldn't.

Most parents of kids with terrifying
talents probably go through this.

I mean, that guy who does
all the rock climbing with no ropes.

I bet his parents have never
slept a wink in their lives.

-I love that guy.
-[chuckles] Me too.

He's my screen saver.

But my point is you can't stop an animal
from following its nature

and I can't stop you
from following your nature.

[sniffles, cries]
Damn it, that was beautiful.

I just hope you guys both know what to do
when you see a wolf.

[both] Stand tall, back away.
Maintain eye contact.

Hell, no. When you see a Wolf
you bring it in for a hug,

-Oh.
-[screams] My butt, my butt. Oh, my God.

♪ Good night, sweetheart
Well, it's time to go ♪

-♪ Do, do, di, do, do ♪
-♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

-♪ Well, it's time go ♪
-♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

♪ I hate to leave you
But I really must say ♪

♪ Good night sweetheart
Good night ♪

[Toby squawks]

♪ Well, it's three o'clock
In the morning ♪

[Toby squawks]

♪ Baby, I just can't treat you right ♪

♪ Well, I hate to leave you, baby
I don't mean maybe ♪

-♪ Because I love you so ♪
-♪ Do, do, di, do, do ♪