All language subtitles for Another.You.1991.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-FGT-English

EDDIE:
Easy, boy. Steady. Wait!

Whoa! Fucking wings!
What's going on?

(CRASHING)

Fuckin' white horse!

(SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

MAN 1: Not bad, dude.

MAN 2: Don't give up
your day job!

Is he Milli or Vanilli?

You are a genius.

Hey, Roy...

(SAXOPHONE MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hey, Andy!
Yo, Eddie!

Drinks on the house!

(BAR PATRONS CHEERING)

Whoa! Hey, baby!

Hollywood.

(POLICEMAN BLOWS WHISTLE)

I said, stop! Hold it!

Watch it!

Hold it! Hold it!

Thank you.
No problemo.

Wow. I'm in love.
You're a fox, baby.

Not just a fox,
but the fox of foxes!

If I was a hound dog,
you wouldn't stand a chance.

I'd be snapping at you
day and night.

I'm a snapper.

Edward Dash?

That's me.

Take a seat.

Well, Mr. Dash,
for your probation,
you owe us

100 hours
of community service.

Let's see
what we've got.

Here's a unique
opportunity.

The East LA Housing Facility
needs some help
with bricklaying.

Hey, no laying bricks
or stuff like that.

I don't do that lifting shit.

Graffiti removal?

You heard what I said?

Does that preclude you
from doing
anything strenuous?

Yes, it precludes me!

(SIGHS) We do have a few
less strenuous activities,

but they involve
helping the disadvantaged,

and there are
certain requirements.

I can have a degree here
in 24 hours, from Harvard!

A degree isn't necessary.
It's a matter of patience
and kindness.

What they're looking for
is a people person.

That's me.

Are you telling me that
you are a people person?

That's what I'm telling you.

Coochie-coochie.

How would you feel
about spending time

with a voluntary patient
from the Rivington Clinic?

No lifting?
The Rivington
is a sanitarium.

Your job would be to accompany
the individual to various

"therapeutic
and cultural pursuits."

I guess that means
taking a patient

to the ballet
or museum or such.

Museum? 'Cause, you know,
I know a great one of those.

I can handle this.

George, we've been
telling you for months

that you're ready
to go back into the world,

but you have to feel ready.

Do you feel ready, George?

I don't know.

He is not ready!

You're scared,
aren't you, George,

scared some girl's going
to ask to see your mickey?

That's enough, Brad.
You let him talk.

No, no, that's not it.

He's just scared of lying.
Isn't that right, Pinoc?

(AS DUDLEY MOORE)
Then his nose starts growing.
I hate when that happens.

Are you afraid that you might
start to lie again, George?
Is that it?

No.

What's a pathological liar
gonna say?
"Now I'm gonna lie"?

George, yesterday
you couldn't wait to go.

Do you remember what you said?
"I'm a-ready, Teddy, yo."

What did you say yesterday?

"I'm a-ready, Teddy, yo."

Hit the deck! Incoming!

Why are you afraid, George?

Why can't I just stay here?

Why do I have to go someplace?
I like it here.

I feel safe here.
Why do I have to go away?
American 357 from Dallas.

(AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN)
Yeah, definitely US Air.
Yeah, excellent airline.

Flight 202 from Baltimore.
American. Definitely US Air.

There's a nice young man
coming here

to take you to find
an apartment and a job.

Job!
You're looking forward
to that, aren't you, George?

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

He's afraid
he's gonna see
his old girlfriend,

and he won't be able
to get it up.
GEORGE: No, I'm not.

Is that it, George?
No. Anyway, she dumped me.

She dumped you because
you told her you were
a brain surgeon!

I did not say that.

What did you
tell her you were?

A commando
in the Navy SEALs.

(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)

Uh-oh.

George, why do you feel
you always had to lie to her?

Oh, she wouldn't have looked
at me twice

if I'd just said I was a Volvo
salesman for Horst Mueller.

(AS PETER FALK)
Excuse me, sir. Jeez, I hate
to bother you like this.

I know you're very busy,
what with the therapy.

I just need
to clear something up.

Are you saying
that you're not
the governor of California?

Did you fellows know
he's been lying all along?
I have egg on my face.

Hey, could... Hello?

Hey, can you help me
find Nurse Fletcher?

Told me the dailies were
great. I don't understand.

They said the dailies
were great.

I just don't understand
what happened.

Is this your brother?

I think this would be
a marvelous time
to extract the little present

that we got for George.

(AS WILLIAM SHATNER)
Very well, Mr. Spock.

Gentlemen, set your phasers
on stun.

(SNICKERING)

George, on behalf
of my entire crew,

Spock, Bones, Scotty,

we'd like to present you
with a little gift.

Something we picked up
on Rigel Four.

It's our way of saying,
"Good luck out there
in the world."

Godspeed. Show 'em
what you're made of, mister.
Live long and prosper.

Go where no man
has gone before.

Phil, for Christ's sake,
be yourself! I think
he gets the point.

I was simply saying.

I'm very touched.

He is touched!
I must say,
I didn't expect

a hat.

An Honest-Abe hat.

It's to house your mickey
after a busy day of lying.

I know it's insulting to you,
George, but the fellows
did craft it themselves.

(AIRPLANE PASSING OVERHEAD)
I'm not insulted by this.
Far from it.

I'm gonna wear this hat.
I've earned it.

I'll treasure it.
I'm not afraid anymore, Teddy.
I'm ready for my new life.

Then say it, George.

I'm a-ready, Teddy, yo!

Have you ever worked
with the mentally challenged?

My sister's a loony.

Oh. What sort of work
do you do?

Well, a little bit of this,
a little bit of that.

Oh, look,
there he is with the hat.

Can I have your Heath bars?

Whoa, wait. Uh, I got a lot
of stuff to do, you know?

I got places to go,
people to meet.

You needn't worry
about George.

He's not a lunatic. Come on.

That must be him.

If he starts having fits,
I'm gonna tell you,

I'm gonna see it
from across the street 'cause
I don't want to be around it.

Mr. Dash, I hope
you'll be patient with George.

He looks like a nice man.

I'll go say hello
and bring him back here.

Okay? See you in a minute.

Good, good.

TIM: Bring him back here!
Eddie. Eddie, Eddie. Hi.

Oh, playing games already,
Eddie, Eddie.

This is Eddie, isn't it?

George, this is Eddie Dash.

I knew it! I knew it!
Hello, Eddie!

(SCREAMS)
Hello, Eddie.

Don't you kiss me no more,
man. I'm gonna kick your ass!

Oh, he's gonna kick my ass.

Don't do that!
You're funny.

Come on, I want you
to meet the guys upstairs.
Don't touch me.

Come on. come on.

He's not a lunatic?

Come on! Don't touch me!
You mother...

Hi, everybody. This is Eddie,
my new best friend.

Eddie, this is Teddy
and Phil and Tim.

Tim!

I appreciate it,
but we gotta go.

My car's out front.
Come on, let's go.

Oh, Eddie says
we have to go now,
so I better get going.

So long, everybody.
Goodbye, nurse.

Goodbye, George.

If you require anything,
don't hesitate to call.

(IMITATING
WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGHING)
Write me!

I can't tell you
how wonderful it feels

to be out on my own
again like this,

not that I feel sorry
about all the time
I spent at the clinic,

'cause, believe you me,
they did me a world of good,

and I don't regret
any of that.

It was wonderful.
I wish I could tell you
about that sometime,

but just reading articles
and seeing newspapers

and watching life
and the world
and everything on television,

I'm just anxious
to be a part of it again.

I understand they put basil
on everything now.

I'm very fond of basil.
I think basil is an herb
whose time has truly come.

I'm not letting you
talk at all.

It just occurred to me.
I'm hogging
the whole conversation.

I don't give you a chance
to get in there at all.

Jabber, jabber,
jabber, jabber!

Because I'm trying to make
a good impression on you.
Sometimes I do that.

Whenever I want to make a good
impression, I talk and talk
and jabber, jabber, jabber.

Shut the fuck up!

Sorry.

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

There it is.

What?
The museum.

Oh, Eddie,
this is gonna be fun.

You're gonna have a good day
and take care of your life.

Aren't you coming with me?

Hey, I'd love to come
with you, but I got
a church-group thing.

Eddie, you can't
just leave me here.

Oh, please.
Eddie, I circled the want ads.

I thought you were
gonna help me find...
Culture. There it is.

Cultures all you want,
right there.

(STAMMERING)

Eddie, I haven't been
on my own for over
three and a half years.

You're not alone.
They got everything in there
from Dolly Parton to the Pope.

Eddie, just give me a minute
to get used to the idea, okay?

Ready?

No. no, I'm terrified.

Don't be terrified.
Hey, George!

You got any money?

Yeah, I'm okay for money.

Well, give me $50,
and I'll go in with you.

Oh, sure.

Hey, me and you.

Oh, I don't like it
here, Eddie.

Can we get out
of here, please?

Did they only
give you 50 bucks?

No, they...
Hi. How you doin'?

(SCREAMING)

EDDIE: George! George!

Damn you! You see what
you did to my friend,
you big green fuck!

Oh, gosh.

My cigar!
You killed my cigar.
I'm so sorry.

Here, let me...
Let me help you.

You broke my cigar!
I'm so sorry.

It was all my fault.
I shouldn't have been running.

Abe!

It's you!

I'm not Abe.

What do you do?
Disappear off
the face of the Earth

and then come back
to kill me, Abe?

No, you're mistaking me
for someone named Abe.

Because of the hat?
No, but I'm not Abe.

You're not Abe Fielding?
What, is this a joke?
Are you joking me?

No, I'm not joking at all.
I think maybe you had
a bad fall, though.

Oh, shit!

You know, Abe,
a lot of people would say

it is very rude
to bet thousands of dollars

and then skip town
without a trace.

You're making a mistake.

Hey, I got some of it.
What is that?

The payoff
for the bet.
What bet?

You won the bet.
Dallas won.
No, no, no.

I'm not Abe. Abe
won a bet from you.
Here, take it.

I'm in the clergy.

Oh, really? What church?

Come on.

You want to give it to someone
named Abe. I'm not Abe.

Holy shit!

That's what I thought.

Take it. Come on.
You think it's me, but
I can't take that money.

Abe! Abe!

Eddie! Eddie!
This is my best friend.
He'll tell you.

You want to know anything
about Abe, you ask me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Abe and I are best friends.

Not Abe Fielding.

Big joke on me, right?
8:00, Shorefront Cafe.

I'll have the rest
of your money.

EDDIE: Abe will be there.

Eddie, I think he's
making a terrible mistake.
He might have a concussion.

I hope he has it tonight.

Oh, gosh.

I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this. I
don't want to do this, Eddie.

The guy wants
to give you money.

No, he wants to give
Abe Fielding money.

I'm doing all this for you.
What are you doing for me?

Yeah, but you want me to lie.
That's the worst thing
I could possibly do.

What good is telling
the truth all the time
if you got nothing to say?

I have things to say.
Yeah, about basil.

I know I'm not
the most dynamic person
in the world, but...

My ass is more
dynamic, okay?

(SIGHS)

You see, you just be quiet.
Let me do all the talking.

That way, you ain't lying.

I'd be more comfortable
like that.

Monsieur Fielding.
How good it is to see you!
It has been too long.

Yeah, it's been too long
since he's eaten.

I'll move some people.

You a twin or something?

No.

Mr. Fielding, how nice
to see you again.

May I take your hat?

How nice.

Mr. Fielding,
long time no see.

You can
at least say hello.

I don't want
to lie, Eddie.

"Hello" is not a lie.

You don't want
to be around
when I start lying.

All hell breaks loose.
Believe me.

I become another person.

When I start to lie,
even I don't know who I am.

Monsieur Fielding,
how are you this evening?

Well if I
were Mr. Fielding,

I guess you could say
I was fine.

Very good, sir.

This way,
sir, please.
Okay.

May I bring the usual?

Two usuals.
We're expecting a friend.

A fat guy.
He's kind of ugly,

and he owes us
a lot of money.

I think he's waiting
at the bar.

Thank you.

(WHISPERING) Eddie...

(CHUCKLING)

Eddie, we have to get
out of here. This is crazy.

You think I'm doing this
for me? Don't make me laugh.

I'm doing it for Mom.
You know, my mother.

Wish I had a picture
to show you.

She's got what they call
a heart thing.

The doctors call it
a bum heart.

I was gonna use the money
that we get to get it fixed.

I'm sorry to hear that.
I'd like to help you out.

You know, Eddie,
I told you, I mustn't lie.

Okay, forget I asked you.
Just forget it.

You can send her some flowers
when she's in the hospital,

a nice note saying,
"Die, bitch."

Abe, babe, how are you?
I didn't know you were
bringing a friend.

I'm Al Sandrow.
Hi.

So, not that it's
any of my business, Abe,

where does a guy like you
disappear to for five months?

It's kind of a long story, Al.

I'm asking Abe.

Something wrong, Abe?

He's worried about my mother.
Mama's at death's door.

Listen, shithead,
nobody's talking to you, okay?

Eddie, Eddie...

I was just trying
to tell you...

Don't tell me nothing!
I'm asking Abe!

I don't like this, Eddie.
It's not polite.

Maybe he can't talk
about it, but I can.

Butt out, shithead!
I'm talking to Abe!

I don't like it when you
call my friend a shithead,

and if you do it
one more time, I'll cut
your fucking balls off...

Ow.
...which is something
I'm very good at.

Okay?
Yeah, sure, Abe.

Say, "Okay."
Okay.

Okay?
Okay! Okay! Okay!

(GULPS)

You trying
to tell me something?
No, no, no!

Okay, okay, Abe!

I don't want
to sound unreasonable.

I know you came
for giving us
thousands of dollars.

Listen to me...
But...

See, when I...
But!

Don't call my friend
a shithead again, okay?

Okay!

Now you can talk!

"Shithead" is okay.
I can live with that.

Do you have any idea
what this man has done
for me, huh?

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

It was nothing.
I haven't done anything.

Nothing? Pulling me out
of that explosion
was nothing?

What explosion?

In the lift
at Lady Tushingham's.

Look at him.
Look what it did
to his brain.

You see that?
Look at this.

Hello? Anybody home?

Don't worry. He's got
a titanium plate in there.
Ow.

When I hit him on the head,
that actually feels good.

What the fuck?

(GULPS)

Just don't call my friend
a shithead again, okay?

Sure. Okay.

Okay with you, Al?
Okay with Al.

Maybe I had you pegged wrong,
but don't ever call him...

Okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

So, what happened in the lift?

What's a lift?

What happened in the lift?
Lady Tushingham, you mean?

Yeah.
I'm glad you asked.

This is a wonderful story, Al.

I can't wait to tell you.

There we were, Eddie and me,
in England, mind you,

at this really
swellegant party.

Lords, ladies,
everything, and, uh...

It's not far from
Buckingham Palace,
by the way.

And Lady Tushingham
walks up to me and says,

"I challenge you
to pull this finger."

"I challenge you
to pull this finger."

You say it.

"I challenge you
to pull this finger."

You're gonna
love this story.

Yeah.

So what are you gonna do?
What do you figure?

What could happen, right?
So I pull her finger.

Well, she cuts one.

Whew.
Whew.

A rocket to Mars
doesn't have
this kind of thrust!

And her husband,
Lord Tushingham, was trying to
light his cigar next to her.

Ka-boom!
The place went crazy!

They weren't calling you
shithead then, were they?

Then? They probably were.

Like, if you were
to call me shithead...
No, no, no.

...and give me some money,
say, "Abe won this.
Here, shithead,"

you know, I'd say,
"Thank you, Al."

Abe? Abe, where the hell
have you been?

Where have I been?
Where the hell have you been?
That's the question!

Honey, Abe!

Oh, my god!

Hey, get your ass over here!
Give me a wet one!

Hello, luscious!

Hey, you, too.
Eddie, Al, this is
Fred and Ethel Mertz!

Oh, god!

Sit down! Get a load
off your feet!

Bartender, some drinks over
here when you get a chance,
for my friends, please?

Were you expecting
somebody else?
We were expecting you!

He wanted to start,
I said, "No, we're waiting
till you guys arrive."

So what did we hear?
You were in South America?

El Salvador.

El Salvador?
Oh, my god!
What were you doing there?

Dropping live oxen
from 30,000 feet
on the guerrilla forces.

No.
Yeah.

Live oxen?
That's right.
Yeah, yeah.

Why live oxen?

Because it hurts like hell
when they land on you!

He was just kidding
about dropping the oxen
from 30,000 feet.

Oh, sure,

as if you weren't right there
with me in the cockpit when
the missile went through.

Oh, I forgot.
It slipped my mind.

I can never tell
when you're serious, Abe.

I'm in a plane
with a dead pilot,

and the cockpit thermometer
says 30,000 feet,

and you think
I'm making jokes?

What the hell's the matter
with this guy?
Is he pulling my leg?

No.

So what happened
to Lady Tushingham?

Fuck Lady Tushingham!

What's the matter with you?
I'm telling you
the real stuff!

40,000 feet, a terrorist
bursts through the door,

puts a gun to my head
and he says, "Amigo,
apague el fuego.

"O si no, matale
en el toileto!"

How do you
like that, Al?

Holy shit.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Jesus!

(CHATTERING)

What was I
supposed to do?

Then they pull out
their knives...
No!

...and they started
swearing at us.

We didn't know what
they were talking about.

And Eddie says,
"Talk English."

That's right. I mean,
good thing we didn't
know the language.

"You don't talk English,
we're going home."

Mr. Fielding!

Mr. Fielding!
That really is
an amazing story.

You know what we talked
about in the interim?
You forgot your hat.

We talked about the money
that Al owed Abe.
Thank you.

You know what I mean?
Yeah?

Right? Didn't we
talk about that?

Yeah, we were talking
about all the money that
maybe Abe won gambling,

you know,
from this fat man.

I'm not the fat man

like you're not
the shithead, okay?

Hey, I'm not trying
to be offensive,

but you're right,
I'm not a shithead,

but you're
definitely pudgy.
Eddie?

What?
Al's a little sensitive
about his tummy.

His tummy?
It's been 20 years
since he had a tummy.

Oh, my God.

(GASPS)

It's ruined.

Abe, it's your wife.

My what?

You're right.
It's Elaine!

Eddie, I'm married.

Congratulations.

What am I gonna do?

You son of a bitch.

Hello, darling.

You are not my husband.

I think I could explain...

You are
an inconsiderate child.

You are an insect.
You are a piece of dust.

How dare you
humiliate me this way
in front of our friends?

I'm really very
disappointed in you, Gail.

You could've told me
he was back.

I didn't even know
he was gone.

Oh, like hell you didn't.

What have you got
to say for yourself?

I missed you, dear.

Come on.
Where are we going?

You've got some
explaining to do.

EDDIE: Abe, the money.

You're the most
beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

I cannot think
of a single reason for us
to stay together, not one.

Well, I can think of one
pretty darn good reason.

How about the kids, huh?

I mean,
is it fair to them

to make them
the innocent victims
of this?

What kids?

We don't have kids?

Bear with me.

I'm a little...
I had a cocktail
at the restaurant.

Oh, you are
really starting
to drive me crazy.

Honestly, dear,
I think that you've made
an awfully big mistake.

The big mistake
was marrying you.

No, I mean a mistake
that you think

I'm someone else
than who I really am.

What you are
is a lying bastard.

Get your hand
off my knee.

I don't think I lie
that much anymore.

Well, I lied
a little bit tonight,

but I was under
a lot of pressure,

considering this was
my first night out.

Otherwise,
I think I've made
a lot of progress.

I really do.

Just what did you
catch this time?

I didn't catch anything.

You went fishing
for five months,

and you didn't
catch anything?

I guess I used
the wrong bait.

"Used the wrong bait."

Will you please not
insult my intelligence?

I happen to know you were
with Angela Davenport
the entire time.

Will you close
the door, please?

And don't deny it.

Don't even try
because I got it right
from the horse's mouth.

You mean,
Angela told you?

No, Angela's husband
told me.

Oh, gee.

What on Earth have you got
in that foolish-looking
little bag?

My raincoat
and rubbers.

He also told me
that when he found you,

he was going to cut you up
into infinitesimally
small pieces.

Too bad he was bluffing.

I've been murdered.

Oh, my God.

(GROWLING)

A little doggy.
Cute little doggy. Oh.

Nice doggy. Nice doggy.

(BARKING)

Yes, sit. Good boy.
Oh, oh, oh.

Be a good boy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Nice doggy.
Nice doggy. Nice doggy.

Ooh. Elaine? Elaine?

Elaine?

Oh, Mrs...

Good boy! Sit! Sit! Sit!
Be a good doggy.

(DOG WHINING)

Elaine, I have
to tell you something.

I think something terrible
may have happened.

What?

I'm, uh...

What?

I have to... I have to...

What?

I have to... I have to...

What?

I have to... I have to...

What?

I'm on her breast
to tell you
the tittie hooth.

Angela didn't forewarn you
about her implants, did she?

Honest truth.

Did you find out in bed,
or did they rattle
when you danced?

You know, it's
very difficult for me
to be honest with you

at a time like this.

Give it a whirl, Abe.

Well, I like...
I want to...

I want to...

You want to say
something to me?

Yes, I do,

and I want to be
completely honest
and get this off your chest.

I mean, get this
on your breast.

I mean, my breast.

Get this off my chest.

Give it a try.
Give it your best shot.

The truth, Abe.
Let's hear it.

(SIGHS) Elaine,
I am not your husband.

I'm a Volvo salesman.

(ROBE RIPS)

You are really beginning
to fray the edges
of my patience, Abe.

I've never...
I've never been to Yosemite.

(SCREECHING)

Oh, man.

He done landed in tall cotton!

Hey, baby!
Holy shit, this is great!

They don't have this much
acreage in the projects.

Oh, man!
Are you kidding me?

Holy shit! Wait!

Huh? Kiss my ass!

Coochie-coochie?

Come here, little puppy.

Come here. Suck your dick.

All right. Whoa. whoa.

Is this 1145 Stoneridge?

Got some candy for you.
Goddamn it, you bit my...

Nice baby. Good fellow.

Hey, Abe!

Jesus. Abe!

Holy shit.

Abe! Whoa.

Abe?

Abe!

How you doin', Abe?

What, you eatin' breakfast?

Hey, another chair?

Abe, this yours?
Is it?

You don't need this, Abe.

Hey!

Uh-oh! Abe!

Abe?

Abe!

Eddie.
Yo, Abe.

Eddie, I knew
you'd find me.

I knew you'd find me.
Don't touch me, Abe.

Don't touch me.
Come on. Just a little.
Just let me hold your hand.

No, just...
Hey, don't touch me!

How did you find me?

It's not hard.
You're in the phone book,
listed under "Abe Fielding."

That was smart.
Hey.

Okay, okay!

Can I call you Abe?

You know my name
is George.

George, right.
Your name is George.

I don't know why
you make such a big deal
about a little touching.

Yo, Abe... I mean, George,
how many acres we got here?

None.

None? Looks like
more than that to me.

That's because you think
I'm Abe Fielding,

but I'm not, Eddie.
I don't even know
Abe Fielding,

but I think I know
what happened to him.

I think he was cut up
into little pieces by
somebody's jealous husband.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You don't believe me.
I'm not Abe Fielding.

Hey, man, you're
at the Pearly Gates.
Don't choose hell.

What are you gonna say?

I'll say that I don't
have a place to stay.

I'd like to stay
with you for a while.

Why don't you ask her
for me, okay, pal?

GEORGE: Hello, dear.

Mrs... Honeybun?

Yes?

Uh, Eddie wants to know
if he can live with us
for a while.

You know,
just for a little while
until my mom gets better.

A couple years, tops.

No.

No? What do you mean, no?
Come on, peaches.

"Peaches"?
Yeah,

I mean, Abe has
something to say.
Just hear the man out.

All right, what is it?

Well, you know, Elaine,

Eddie isn't
who you think he is.

No? Who is he?

Did you ever hear
of a prize fighter
by the name of Joe Frazier?

You mean,
the Thriller from Manila?

That's it!
The Thriller from Manila.

Oh.

You know, right after
that fight with Ali,

when they were both
in the Philippines,

Joe Frazier got malaria,
and he lost a lot of weight.

(CHUCKLING)

I mean, a lot of weight.
Even shrunk a little bit.

And after they got it
under control,

even then he thought,
well, if anyone ever
saw him like that,

you know, his career
as a prize fighter
would be finished.

No one would ever
give him a shot
at the title.

So he decided he better
change his name

and his identity
for a little while,

just till he could
sort of work his way
back into shape.

It's been
a rough road back,
right, champ?

Hey, I'm not complaining.
You know what I mean?

I just want another crack
at the title.

That's it. Save 'em.
Save 'em, pal.

I'm gonna help you, Joe.
I mean, Eddie.

Sorry, champ.
I won't slip again.

You know...
You know, Elaine,

he's the best friend
I've got.

He just needs a place
where he can,

(SNORTS)

you know, lick his wounds
for a while, and...

And put about, maybe,
50, 60 pounds back on.

That is an amazing story.

Thanks.

I was very rude to you
a minute ago.

I'm awfully sorry.

I want you to stay.
Really, please do.

I feel so exposed.

Please, let me see
if I can get
the guest bedroom made up.

I'll be right back.

Aw, shit, man.

Hey, before I met you,
the term "bullshit artist"
was an empty phrase,

but working with you
has made me a better liar.

You're just describing
everything I don't want to be.

(GASPS)

Look at this.

It's a Rolex.
This is money.

Jeez. Gold rings. My God...

Eddie, what are you
doing in here?

You said
you were going to take
a little walk outside.

I was looking
all over for you.

I was looking around
at some of Fielding's stuff.

I was doing
a little research.
You know what I mean?

Like this pipe.
You put this pipe
in your mouth,

and you'll feel
like Fielding.

Then a dash
of his cologne. Mmm!

Put on some of this.
Smell like Abe.

Before you do the thing,
you know?

Before I do what thing?

Hey, the woman hasn't
seen you in five months.
She's expecting something.

You got to give her
some of what she expects,
you know?

A little padumph, padumph.

Eddie, I...

I can't do padumph with...

(STAMMERING) That would
be under false pretenses.

What false pretenses?
She probably thinks
you're her husband.

She'll turn the TV on.

(I LOVE LUCY THEME
PLAYING ON TV)

What are you gonna say
to the lady?

Well, I would say,
"Oh, gosh, Elaine,

"you look
just lovely tonight."

No, no, wait. Whoa.
You're not gonna say that.

That's the kind of thing
Boy Scouts say on a trip

when they're trying
to sell cookies.
But I don't wanna be...

I'm not going to be
crude, Eddie.

Nobody's talking crude.

I'm talking,
be suave, debonair.
You gotta be Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

Yeah, what do you think?
Cary Grant on a date,
he wants to do the thing

and he says to the lady...

No, no, I hope not.

No, Cary Grant's
smooth, debonair.

He says something like,
"Judy, Judy, Judy,

"you want
to padumph, padumph?"

That's what
he would say?

Hey, either that or,
"You want to fuck?"

No.

LUCILLE BALL ON TV:
I'm a dipper from way back.

This is your night.

I don't think
I can do it.

Come here a sec.
This is gonna be it.

I'm a little nervous.

You go in there. This woman
has a thing for you.
I saw it in her eyes.

Yeah?

Put some of this on.
There you go.

Not bad, is it?

(SIGHS)

Now look, you go in there,
and you think Cary Grant.

Uh-huh.

Come on.
Judy, Judy.

Yes, sir.
Okay. Help me.

That man couldn't get laid
in a woman's prison
with a pound of pot.

All right, girls.
Now, this is
your last chance.

If one piece of candy
gets past you and into
the packing room unwrapped,

you're fired.

Let her roll!

What are you doing?

Judy, Judy.

Could I interest you
in a little padumph, padumph?

Who are you talking to?

You.

I just wanted to know
if you'd like to have
a little padumph.

Padumph?

Oh, gosh, Elaine.

Do you know
how long it's been
since I've done the thing?

Are you for real?

You bet.

(HORN HONKING)

Who could that be?

Look, Abe, there's a car
coming up the driveway.

(DOG BARKING)

I don't know who else but you
would come barreling up
at this hour.

My God, it must be Abe.

Oh, will you please
not do that anymore?

I'm sorry.
I mean, it must be me.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

Would you go down
and see who it is?

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay.

(DOG BARKING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh, hi!

Hey, there's someone
at the front door.

So?

I'd like you
to come with me.

(EXCLAIMING)

What's all this stuff?

It's the stuff that
I'm taking to get cleaned.

Oh, yeah,
looks pretty dirty.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'd like you
to answer it, Eddie.
Would you?

Yeah, you're the maestro.

Well, if it ain't
Mr. Finger-on-the-bell.

How dare you!
Open this door. Open it!

Just who the hell are you?

I demand to know,
and I mean now, mister.

I mean, right now!

Who the hell are you?

Elaine?
Elaine, you all right?

Hey, I'm Abe Fielding's
best friend, you asshole!

(DIBBS SCOFFS)

I mean, you think you
can just come in here

and talk to me
like I'm shit?

Oh, please, please.
You don't even know
Abe Fielding.

You wouldn't
know Abe Fielding
if you were talking to him.

Wait a minute.
You Abe Fielding?

No, I'm not. Elaine!

My name is Rupert Dibbs.

I happen to run
Abe Fielding's business.

Elaine!
Dibbsy!

Abe? Abe!

You old duffer!
How's the boy?

My God, you're back!

Long time no see, pal!

Eddie, I bet you thought
that was Fielding
for a while, didn't you?

Well, it's kind
of dark in here.

Eddie, you know how I knew
it wasn't Abe Fielding?

No.

'Cause I'm Abe Fielding!

Oh.
Remember?

Abe, how you doing,
you old duffer?

Fine, fine!

Hey, Dibbsy.
Give me a wet one.

A what?
Come on, come on, come on!
Come on, come on.

You son of a gun!

What, have you
lost your mind?

Look at that tie.
Not even one...

Beautiful bow tie...
Not even a phone call
in five months?

...like the old days.

I'm not saying
you didn't deserve...
Don't start lecturing me.

No, no, no, no, everybody
deserves a vacation, but...

No lectures, no lectures.

Come on, come on...
Everybody deserves
a vacation,

but how am I supposed
to run a business...

Let me see what
I can fix for you.

...without the occasional
phone call?
Brandy still your drink?

I don't drink.
I still can't get
this guy to take a drink.

By the way, this is
my best friend,
Eddie Dash.

Elaine.
No, Eddie.

Rupert, what are
you doing here?

Um, I have some papers
that need power of attorney,

but you're here,
so maybe you can
sign them for me, Abe.

Sure.

Just need your signature.

You want my Fielding
on that?

I sure do.
You bet!

I want it right there
and right there.

Okey doke.

How are you
fixed for cash?
Cash?

Oh, we're a little short.
"We"?

Yeah, we got some things
to do downtown.

Uh-huh. I understand.

There you go.

I think that should
take care of it.

(WHISTLES)

Uh, Abe, why don't you
tell the man about
the credit card you lost?

Uh-huh. Well...
EDDIE: Didn't you?

Yeah, I don't know
what I did with them.

This should
take care of that.

Look at that!

Dibbsy to the rescue.
Just like the old days, huh?

What a guy.

Oh, gosh, Abe,
you're lookin'
in the pink.

That's my color, pal.

You back for a while
or you gonna be
shipping out?

Well, you better ask
the little lady about that.
Okay.

ELAINE: Gonna be sticking
around for a while.

GEORGE: See that?
She's the boss.

Credit cards. Money.

Pussy.

You bet your boots.

Elaine, you look great.

I'll see you
soon, Abe.
Yeah.

Welcome home.
Nice to see you again.

Uh, mister...
It's been a pleasure.
Maybe I'll see you again.

Hey, you can bank on it.

Abe?
Hmm?

Who is that bum?
Is he some fishing buddy?

I mean, why don't you
get rid of him?

You know, Dibbsy,

you're my business manager,
and I respect you for that,

but don't ever call my friend
a shithead again, okay?

I said no such...
Okay?

Okay? Okay?
Okay, Dibbsy?

Hmm?
Okay.

Okay. Good night.

See you soon.

Hey, Dibbsy.

Ready to turn in,
sweetheart?

That was so rude.

What do you mean?

I can't believe
you talked
to Rupert that way.

After everything
he's done for you.

I wasn't rude
to him at all.

I was trying...
Elaine!

Please, stop.
Don't try and explain.

I'm going to bed, alone.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Eddie? Hey, Eddie?

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)

Eddie!

Oh, my goodness!

(CHATTERING)

What?
Elaine?

What?
Can I say just
one thing to you?

What?
Goodbye forever, dear.

What's going on?
I can't stay in this house
alone with you, Elaine.

I mustn't be
alone with you.

Why? What's the problem?
Eddie's coming back.

Look at me.
I can't look at you.
If I do, I'm a goner.

I'll never leave this house.

You remind me
so much of a girl
I was in love with once.

At least I thought
I was in love with her
till I met you.

I got her to love me by lying,
and I must not do that again!

Look at me! Look at me!
Look at me! Look at me!

Are you leaving me
for good?

I'm not Abe!
I'm not married to you!

I'm George!
I'm just a Volvo salesman
for Horst Mueller!

Look at me! Look at me!

Oh, taxi! Taxi!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Just give me
a little kiss goodbye.
A kiss?

One little kiss.

Taxi! Oh, taxi!

What... Abe!
Where are the taxis?

I tell you, George,
if what you say is true,
I find that admirable.

You were totally
honest with her.

You left the woman you loved
rather than lie to her.

How do you feel
about that, George?

Who took my red?

George, I'm asking you...

I'll answer you,
but who took my red?

Hey. Hey.

(AS WOODY ALLEN)
I can't believe
I had the red

at the exact moment
that you wanted it.

I should be stripped naked
and have scalding
matzo-ball soup

ladled over my genitals
by Dolly Parton.

Phillip, put a clam on it!
I'll try.

George, how does it feel
to be an honest person?

Where's my green?

Did you pump up your mickey
before you showed it to her?

Who has the green?
You know, George, sometimes
a patient's first day

away from the clinic
can be quite stressful.

Is it possible
there was no
Mrs. Fielding?

(AS PETER FALK)
Wait a minute!

Maybe he is Abe Fielding,
and he was lying to us
about that, too.

What do you think?
Huh? Just a theory.

Poor Miss Fielding.

I bet she's crying
her eyes out.

That's enough. Stop it.

Look, I'm not saying
you don't have some
limited acting ability.

Limited acting ability?

Listen, bud,
these are real tears.

What I am saying is,
when I hired you,

you told me you were
a professional actress.

I am, sort of.

All right,
I'm basically a vocalist,
but I am studying acting,

and I'm told by my teacher
I am remarkably naturalistic.

Yes, well, that's not
quite what you told me
two Abe Fieldings ago.

Excuse me, they both believed
I was Mrs. Abe Fielding.

Let me also add this.
I think my accent
was impeccable.

Despite your
impeccable accent,
they both chose to leave.

That's not my fault
as an actress.

You can't just take
any nut out of a sanitarium
and expect me to convince him

he's Abe Fielding.
That was not the job!

I don't care
if they are convinced
that they're Abe Fielding.

The job was simply
to entice them,

to make them want
to be Abe Fielding,

but these guys
are running from you
like the plague.

I will not be handled.

I told you that
when I took the job,
and it still goes.

And if that's changed,
I don't want the job anyway.

That is just fine.
That's fine!

Give my regards
to your friends down
at the unemployment office,

Miss Mimi Kravetz,
professional actress.

You're going to be spending
a lot of time with them!

You know, you've got
an unerring instinct
for the jugular.

I'd like
that last Fielding back.

Uh-huh. The liar.
A liar is perfect.

No, no, not him.

Come on,
I felt sorry for that guy.

Why on Earth would you
feel sorry for him?

Nothing bad's
gonna happen to him.

Would you like a cappuccino?

All right,

but, no,
not that poor chump.

I think he was soft on me.

Why wouldn't he
be soft on you?
You're a beautiful girl.

Sit down.

Here.

Look, what say
you take another
crack at that role?

He's not gonna come back
without his friend.

Don't worry about him.
His friend is mine
for bail money.

What do you mean?
He's in jail?

I had him arrested.

The schmuck stole
Abe's credit cards.

Bail money? You want me
to work your little scam
for bail money?

Shh! Now, no one is trying
to get you to run anything.

I just want you
to bring your friend
back for one week.

Unless you want to stay
in here, I suggest
you do as I ask.

Tell me, is this
a sink or a toilet?

Stick your head in it
and find out.

Let me explain
something to you.

I don't work with amateurs,
like singers and actors.

There's only one singer
involved in this,
and that's Mimi Kravetz.

The rest of these people
happen to be damn fine actors.

I cast them myself.

That's Jerome Handy
as Al, the bookie.

You know him from... Did you
see his Man of La Mancha
at the Pasadena Playhouse?

I'm afraid I missed that.
Well, it was super. Super.

You've never run
a professional scam
in your life, have you?

No, of course not.
I'm a legitimate
businessman.

I run Abe's business.

I thought so.

A professional
would never use amateurs.

They crack out of turn.

"Crack out of turn."
I don't know
what that means.

It means that I'm
a professional con man. This
is what I do for a living.

What you got here
is not a professional con.

What I got here
is 10,000 bucks.

It's for you if you
bring your friend back
for one week.

(SIGHS)

You gotta tell me
more of the scam.

(GROANS)
I will in due time.

Excuse me.

Oh, please.

Look, just take five grand now
as a down payment, okay?

I don't usually work
with amateurs,

but you've caught me
at the right time.

Wish me luck.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What's the matter?
Nothing's the matter.

I just gotta pave
the way for you.
What do you mean?

I mean, I talked to her
doctor-psychiatrist person.

You gotta take it
slow and easy
with this George shit.

She still thinks
you're Abe.

All right?
She's in denial.

She's got what they call,
medically speaking,
a bum head.

Oh, dear.

After I talk to her,
you can come up
and do your stuff.

Okay. Don't be long.

Hey, am I interrupting?

It's the Thriller from Manila.

That's me. The old...

Fourteen rounds, you know?

I was scared to go 15.

Oh, yeah.

Did Dibbs tell you I'm in?

Yeah, he told me.

Uh, Seppo, could you
leave us for a minute?

Yeah, Seppo,
I'll take over from here.

What do you want?

I just want to tell you,
I think the guy's in love
with you. He's downstairs.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Hey, Duane,
give the man a break.
Come on!

I'll let you hump my leg.
Come on, baby.

Hey, it's all right, George.
You can come out now.

Good boy. Good boy.

Hello, guess who's here?

Oh, honey, I'm home,

and I'm ready for love.

Oh, boy.

Honey, it's me.

Eddie, hiya.

Remember me
from in the car downstairs
a little while ago?

I made a joke, Eddie.

Am I interrupting something?

No, we're just
talking and...
Never mind.

You two keep talking,
get together.

See you later, Eddie.
You're damn right.

Como esta,
mi chiquita caliente?

Molto bueno.

So, long time no see.
What are you doing here?

I brought you some candy
and some flowers

and to tell you
that you and I
had something, Elaine.

I saw it in your eyes
last week,
and Eddie saw it, too.

So don't deny it.
So what are you saying here,
that you'd like to stay?

Would I like to stay?
Would I like
to stay here with you?

Are you kidding?

Whoa!

If I could stay here with you,
I would climb... I would...
I would swim.

I would make myself into a...
I would stay here forever
if you'd let me, Elaine.

Let's just see if we can
get along, okay, doll?
For, say, a week or so.

Well, I want much more
than that, Elaine.

I want to know everything
about you, and I'd like you
to know all about me, too.

We might just find
out that we have
a lot in common.

What... What... What
could we have in common?

Basil. I love basil.

Do you like basil?

It doesn't sweep me
off my feet.

Try this. My favorite color
is brown, I subscribe
to the Reader's Digest,

I love yodeling,
and my favorite food is

wiener schnitzel
with rot kraut
and kartoffeln.

Do you like wiener schnitzel
with rot kraut and kartoffeln?

You do! I hit a bone!
I hit a nerve!

I hit something.
I can see it in your eyes.
You like it, too.

I'm gonna
win you over, Elaine.
I'm gonna romance you.

I'll wine you,
and I'll dine you.

And one day,
you're gonna feel about me
the way I feel about you.

Wow!

You look really familiar.
How you doin', legs?

The name is Gloria,
not legs.

You!
You?

I've been dreaming
about you.
What are you doing here?

I'm here to see Dibbs. I got
an important appointment.

Yeah, right.

Gloria, this report... Eddie.

Eddie!
Dibbsy! How's the boy?

I'm glad
you could make it.
I guess this can wait.

Ever been
to a brewery before?
No.

How about a little tour?
That would be great.

Listen, are you busy
Saturday night?

Maybe. Maybe not.

That's nice.
I like that.

I'll see you
Saturday night, okay?

You payin'?
(SCOFFS) That's cute.

Fine thing. Jeez.

When Abe Fielding Sr. died,
everyone assumed
I would inherit the brewery.

Then, it turns out
he has a son.

Can we talk about
Gloria for a minute?
Later.

As I was saying,
we finally track down
this Abe Jr.

10 minutes after
an ugly accident during
a monk dance of death.

The guy had
gone off to Tibet.

Now can we
talk about Gloria?

Do you mind?
Anyway, the only way to keep
the estate out of probate

was to convince someone
to be Abe Jr.

We found George
in the loony bin,
a liar. Get it?

So we doctored up
a photograph, hired a couple
actors, and here we are.

Does she always
look that good?

Sorry.
I think I'll find out
for myself Saturday night.

Maybe we could go
and do a little padumph.
Padumph?

Yeah.
Hmm. Never done
that before.

I think you'll enjoy it.

See that guy over there?

He's one of the greatest
sax players I've ever heard.

What's his name?

Eddie. Eddie Dash, right?

Yeah, amazing.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have someone very special
here tonight.

One of the greatest
sax players around,

the one and only
Mr. Eddie Dash!

No, no.

You don't...
See, but that's the wrong...

Come on, man. Come on up.

EDDIE: Oh, God, no.

Huh? Oh!

Go on up.
Don't be modest.
Just go.

Just go?
Yeah, go.

I... No. Me?
I... No, no...

(MUMBLING)

What will it be?

Uh, it really
doesn't matter.

The guy's a pro.

Okay. A-one, two,
a-one, two, three.

(BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

(OFF-KEY)

MAN: Miles Davis' twin...

That guy could
rip the pages.

Everybody!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, my god.

Hi. Hiya.

You know a lot
of people here.

I used to come here
all the time.

This is us, honey.
This is your table.

Would you excuse me
for a minute?

Yes.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Here's the music.

Uri?

Good evening, honey.

You know, as we look
towards the east

and see a united Deutschland,
it behooves us
to stop and think

about what walls can do,
walls between nations,

walls between peoples

and walls between
you and me, Elaine.

(GROANS)

But if that darn wall
in Berlin can come down,

then maybe it's not
too much to expect

the wall between us
to come down, too.

Who knows?
Maybe it just takes a dance

(BAND PLAYING CHORD)

or a glance

or a chance to...

(BAND PLAYING CHORD)

To sing a song.

I call this Yodelaine.

(GROANS)

MAN 1: Get off the stage!

MAN 2: Sit down!

¶ Yodel

¶ Elaine

¶ My heart's aflame

(YODELING)

¶ Yodelaine

¶ I'm not insane

(YODELING)

¶ Yodelaine

¶ You screwed my brain

(YODELING)

¶ My Elaine

¶ I love you ¶

(YODELING)

(YODELING)

(BOTH YODELING)

Oh, my god!
It's Mimi Kravetz!

Don't tell anybody
about this.
What?

(ELAINE WHISTLING)

(HUMMING
I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE)

¶ I'm in the mood for love

Damn.

¶ Bright as the sun

¶ Oh, is it any wonder

¶ I'm in the mood for love ¶

(HUMMING)

Hey, what are you
doing up there?

I know you're
in the swing of things,

but we got business
to take care of.

What business?

We gotta check him
into the dentist
as Abe Fielding.

Why?

Dibbs wants to see
his dental charts.

Oh. Bye-bye.

(YODELING)

(GEORGE YODELING)

DENTIST:
Mr. Fielding, are you
still feeling the effects?

ASSISTANT:
Can you say something?

Don't call my friend
a shithead.

Of course he has.

Well, okay.
Now, Mr. Fielding,

you just have one cavity,

so all you will hear
is the sound of the drill.

Tsk. Tsk.

Tragic.

Were there
any survivors?

No one.

The thing blew up.
Oh, how awful.

It says here
that the bodies were charred
beyond recognition.

Oh, my god.

Well, at least
they'll know
who they're burying.

How would they know
who they're burying?

From the dental records.

They'll check
the dental records.

Oh, yeah,
you're right.

George! George!

Abe? Abe Fielding,
what cubicle is he in, please?

Who?
You don't know?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
it's not what you think.

Then why does Dibbs
want the dental charts?
Come on.

I made a deal with George.
He's gonna hang out
till the end of the week,

and then I get my money.

George? Honey?

Abe?

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Getting killed
was not part of the deal.

Dibbs would never
kill anyone.
It's not in him.

(GAS HISSING)

Excuse me.

What is the
meaning of this?

Sweetheart, we're getting
out of here.
No. I'm sorry.

Who is this woman?
Excuse me.
You're not allowed in here.

Get her out of here.
Dibbs wants you dead,
all right?

Get this.
This is a dental office.

He wants you dead so that
he can bury you as Fielding
and inherit the company.

You must all leave!

No, no.

No, she leaves.
I leave. He stays.

Yes.
No, no, I leave.
You leave. He leaves.

No, he must stay!

He has a cavity.
You leave.

You have a cavity.
What about him?

Open your mouth!
Say, "Ah."
Show us your cavity.

ALL: Ah.

Oh, you got a rise,
Mr. Fielding.

Wait a minute.
Oh, darling.
Ride 'em, cowboy!

No, it's pretty good.

Of all the gall!

Did I ever say
that anything bad
was gonna happen to him?

You never said it to me.
He never said it to me.

What was the point
of taking him to all those
doctors and dentists, then?

MIMI: Wait a minute.
It was to establish that
he was Abe Fielding, right?

Yes, yes, that is right.

And that is because
there are certain
financial transactions

I just can't make unless
Abe Fielding is alive.

That's right.

You know, I want
to tell you something.

Frankly, I expected
more support out of you,
a little more gratitude.

For the money
I'm paying you, I could
have hired a real actress.

Oh! Oh! That's it.
That's the button.

You pushed it.
I'm out of here. Sayonara.

I'm going back
to my old job.
Oh, really? What is that?

Yodeling in
a hillbilly nightclub?
What does that pay, Mimi?

The man is just trying
to reassure you.

And by the way,
what business is it of yours
what happens to him?

I'm making it
my business, okay?

Oh, have we
fallen in love
with the lunatic?

Oh, no, no, hey,
the lady's not in love
with him. Honest.

She just don't want to get
involved in a murder rap.

Murder.
Wait for me
in the car.

You got his guarantee
there ain't gonna be no hit.

There better not be.

Actresses, you know,

you can't live with them,
and you can't kill them.

Everything's okay, right?

I mean,
it looks cool to me.

Well, not quite. Sit down.

You see,
there's one more thing
I need you to do.

Yeah, what?
I need you to dispose
of the lunatic.

Ice George?

I need Abe Fielding
dead and buried.

Ice George.

Please don't tell me
that you're above
this sort of thing.

I've never iced
anyone in my life.

I'm a con man,
not a hit man.

Well, I think you have
two qualities that are...

Don't touch me.
Okay.

First, you love money,
and second, you have
absolutely no moral character.

What do you say?

How much money
are we talking?

Name your price.

Look, Eddie,
just write down any figure
that you consider reasonable,

and I'll pay you
that amount in cash, okay?

(WHISPERING)
Come on. We gotta go.
We're late.

I want to kiss
her goodbye.

She can't know
about this.

I won't wake her.
Just one kiss.

Look at that face.
Isn't she cute?

Don't wake her up.
Come on, let's go.

What's that?
This is your gun.

I could never shoot...
Yikes!

Holy shit!

George?

George, what happened?
You all right?

Sorry, honey.
Fucking lunatic.

GEORGE: You know,
I've never been
in the woods before.

EDDIE: What?
The woods.

I've never been
in the woods before.

Oh. The most
important thing
you need to know

is if you see anything
that looks like poison ivy,
don't wipe your ass with it.

Hey, hey,
you old duck hunter!

Hiya, Dibbsy.
How's it going?

I'm fine.
How are you?
Good.

There he is.
Wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Damn ducks! What the hell
do we need those ducks for?

Bam! Bam! Bam!

What a day
to kill a duck, huh?

Maybe after the hunt,
we can shoot some billiards.
What do you say?

Here. I picked this
out for you myself
. Put it on.

What's that?
This is
your hunting jacket.

That's great.

Oh.

Thanks, Dibbsy.

EDDIE: It looks wonderful.

You know
who you look like?
Who?

Ernest Hemingway.
Honest?

Doesn't he?
Yeah.

I hate to rush, but something
unexpected has come up,
and I won't be going with you.

Why not?
Business.
That's life, huh?

Emergency at the plant.
But those ducks won't wait.
They don't care.

Come on, let's go.

Did you shoot all
these animals yourself?

No, you did. You and all
the Fieldings before you.

Ducks for dinner tonight!
Happy hunting!

EDDIE:
Hey, wait in the truck for me.
I gotta go to the bathroom.

Okey doke.
Happy hunting!

I gotta talk to you.
Sure.

What?

The deal was
you were supposed
to come with us.

What the fuck's
going on, Dibbsy?

Just relax, Eddie.

Just get him
in the duck blind,
blast a couple of ducks,

and then you yell,
"Look out! There's a bear!
Run for your life!"

Then you blast him.

There are no bears
in a duck blind.

It doesn't matter
whether there are
bears there or not!

Just yell, "Look out!
There's a bear!"

It will be over
before he knows
what happened.

Okay, but I want
the other half
of my money

before people find out
we're not burying Fielding.

There's no chance
of that happening.
I've got all the documents

to prove that
he is Abe Fielding.

So don't worry about it.
Come on!

This is
a really nice jacket
Dibbsy gave me.

It must have cost him
a pretty penny.
I like this jacket.

You gotta put
the collar up.
You gotta be cool.

How do you mean?
Here.

A little classier.
Wear it like that.

Cool? Cool, man,
like you?
I look like Eddie.

Yeah, very nice.

Ducks!

EDDIE: Whoa, now.
Take it easy.

Easy. Now!

Keep flying! Keep flying!
Go home! Go away!
There's people here with guns!

Get out of here!
Go back to your families!
Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Why did you do that?

To keep an innocent creature
from being killed

and to save you
from a lifetime
of heartache and guilt.

They're just ducks!

They're not just ducks!

They're alive!
They're like you and me!

They're not like you and me!
They fly around,
and they shit on people.

¶ Be kind to your
web-footed friends

¶ 'Cause a duck could be
somebody's mother ¶

Can you freeze on
the "web-footed friend" shit?

Sorry, Eddie. I just
couldn't help to think
about those poor ducks.

What was that?

What was what?

I heard something.
What?

(BIRD SQUAWKING)
A bird?

It was a bear.

A bear!

Where?

Just... I'm gonna get it.

Eddie, do you see it?

No, but it's a bear.

Where is it now?

It's a brown bear.

A big brown bear?

Eddie, you were right.

I see it.

See, you put
one of these...

Oh, my god.

(ROARING)

He's huge!

It's a great, giant bear!

(WHIMPERING)

Don't worry, Eddie.
Don't worry.

Sit. Sit, baby.

(WHIMPERING)

He's gonna rip off
your dick.

Hello, there.
You're a big fellow,
aren't you?

If you understand
what I'm saying,
raise your left hand.

Good. Now both.
Very good!

What the fuck are you doing?

We want to express

love for you.

Eddie and I
come in peace.

Well, I see
what you mean.

You make
a good point. Yes.

We saw some of your friends
mounted on the wall at
the lodge we just came from.

Eddie and I
found it disgusting.
Didn't we, Eddie?

Get the fuck out
of the way!
I'm gonna shoot it!

No, Eddie, don't shoot.
Don't shoot!

(SHOTGUN FIRING)

Well, kids,

I guess it's time
to ring down the curtain
on this production of ours.

I think we made a hit,
don't you?

Letitia, I prophesy
a big career for you.
I mean that, dear.

The memorial service
will be this afternoon
in the Fielding Chapel,

which is just adjoining
the brewery.

(CHUCKLING) Brewery.

I will be expecting
the three of you to attend.

Jerome, just think of it
as a curtain call.

So you're saying
that we're burying him
as Fielding

even though he wasn't
really Fielding?

Yes, I feel
it's the least
we can do.

The poor guy
had no family,
no friends.

It's a terrible tragedy,
but accidents happen.

Don't they, Eddie?

It was an accident.

Of course it was.
No one's saying
it wasn't, Eddie.

Nobody blames you.

How do we play this?
Like we knew him as Abe?

Yes, of course, Jerome.
That's the point, isn't it?

I want you to play it sad
but not morose.

Ken, upset,
but, please, no tears.

Poor guy. I feel awful.

Yes, you use that, Eleanor.

Save it for later and use it.
That's called method acting.

Look, everybody, I just want
to express my gratitude

to a very, very talented
ensemble of thespians. Bravo!

(DIBBS APPLAUDING)

Bravissimo!

Oh, for Pete's sake,
if we knew you were Abe,

we might have been able
to help you, George.

(AS PETER FALK)
Now, that
is a beautiful suit,

and that tie
matches perfectly,

but you need a handkerchief.
Get this man a handkerchief!

For heaven's sakes,
enough is enough!
Get over here!

Sit down in the pew,
shut up and be good.

Always said
you were full of shit.

Abe, we hardly knew you.

We knew your dad, though.

Many of us remember
putting to rest...

Rather, preserving
the great man right here
not so long ago,

and now father
and son can freeze
in peace together.

Uh, Abe's best friend,
Mr. Eddie Dash, is here.

He's gonna say a few words.

Eddie, come and say
a few words.

Mr. Dibbs?
What?

There is an extremely
urgent phone call for you.

Urgent?
Yes.

Okay.

Hey! Hey! Hands off!

Abe was a nice man.

Yes, he was.

Good man, Abe.

Uh, he liked basil.

He loved basil.

He used to say
basil was a herb
whose time had come.

Unfortunately, Abe,

it was you
whose time had come.

We used to smoke
basil together.

We'd get a natural high.

Smoked a lot, too.

And he loved to yodel.

Yodeling and magic,
that was his thing.

He always said
if he could combine the two,

he would yodel
from his grave.

I know that's impossible.

(FAINT YODELING)
Uh...

It's a miracle.

(YODELING)

Oh, my God!

Hi, everybody.

I'm very touched
that you all came
to my funeral.

I know this must be
a little con...

Honey!

Honey? What happened?

What's the matter, sweetheart?

What the hell is going on?

You tell me.

Did we rehearse this scene?

No.
No.

Ooh!

Just what are you doing, huh?

Have you completely lost
your tiny little mind?

You forget,
we're playing my game now.

Oh, really?

I've got news for you, pal.
I'm holdin' all the cards.

I can prove
you're a murderer.

I've got the whole
ugly business on tape.

Au contraire, my friend.
There was no murder,

but there was
a conspiracy to murder,
which I have on tape.

GEORGE: Honey.

Honey, can you hear me?

MIMI: You're alive!

Everything's
gonna be all right.

Eddie said he shot you.

No, that was all
part of the plan.

Didn't he tell you?
He was supposed to tell you.
Oh, baby!

We worked it all out
on the way to the lodge.

This is our
first meeting,

our second meeting.

This is a little
something for you,
you know, Johnny Mathis.

To help you make it
through the night.

And this file proves
that my man is Abe Fielding.

Your man is dead!

Wrong again, Dibbsy.

Carlos.

(SPEAKING PSEUDO ITALIAN)

What does that mean?
What does that mean?
What does he mean?

(SPEAKING PSEUDO ITALIAN)

We gotta get
out of here!
No, no, no.

We gotta go!

But I saw him lying
on a slab in the morgue!

That's right,
Eddie's got connections,

and the morgue attendant
owed him a favor.

Right, Eddie?
That's right.

Hello, everybody.

I know you must be
a little confused
about what's been going on,

but the important thing
that I want you to know

is that I'm back
at the brewery,

and you're all in

for a five percent raise.

Don't listen
to anything he says.

Don't listen!
He's full of shit!

Grab him!

(DIBBS GROANING)

You all right, sir?
We got you.

Get me up!
Get me up right now!
Right now!

You can't say we didn't try.

Cut him loose, Barney.

That man is an impostor!

What are you waiting for?
Cut me out of this!

He's not Abe Fielding, no.
I knew Abe Fielding.

Abe Fielding
was a friend of mine,

and this man
is not Abe Fielding.

But, Mr. Dibbs,
you just eulogized him.

You said,
"Abe, we hardly knew you."

And then
the other guy got up...

Shut up! Sit down.
Yes, sir.

You! You! You! You!

Did you or did you not
treat this man

in your lunatic asylum?

Sanitarium! Besides,
it was you who told us
he was Abe Fielding.

That's right, but he's not!

I challenge anyone
in this room to say
this man is Abe Fielding.

He's Abe Fielding.
I've been his bookie
for years.

Al, shut up.

He's one of our best friends.
Isn't that right, honey?

No, not now, you idiots!

Wait a minute.
I don't remember this scene.

Ladies and gentlemen,
these people,
they're merely actors.

Do you understand?
"Merely actors"?

Not very good ones at that.
Do you understand?
They're playing roles.

They're paid
to say these things.

(CHATTERING)

Point of order!
Point of order!

Ow!

Ronald Reagan
was merely an actor!

All right, all right.
Fine, fine.

Call the...
Are you the equity deputy?

Um... Boy, I don't
know what to say.

I feel like such a fool.
I'm sorry. I am.

I lost. You won.
Come on!

Let's bury the hatchet
over a stein of Fielding
in my... In your office, huh?

No, I don't think so.

Come on. Don't be
a spoilsport, Mimi!

George, we don't
have time for a drink.

Abe... George...
Whatever your name is.

No, no, no!
Listen, George...

Run! Run, run, run, run!

He's gonna kill him!
Oh, my God!

Get the casket.
Bring it down here, quick!

Come on, this way!

Come on! Let's go!

Move!

Hey!
Get out of there!

Break it through!
Shut up!

This is my brewery.
I earned it!

You want to be in beer?
Welcome to the beer business!

Dibbsy, I won't tell
the police
you tried to kill me.

The name is Mr. Dibbs!

(SCREAMING)

Help! Help me!

Eddie, I'm down here!

Help! Oh, God!

Eddie!

Eddie!

(SCREAMS)

MIMI:
All right, get the valve.

Get the valve.
George? George?

Hang on! Is this it?

George, don't worry.
Keep your
mouth shut in there.

GEORGE:
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Did you hit that?
Did you hit that?

Will somebody
please tell me
what's going on?

MIMI: George? George?

(BELCHES)

Boy, that was good beer.

Oh, honey!

Ow!

MIMI: Oh, baby.

What did you do
with Dibbsy?

Guards, get him out of here.

He's not Fielding.
He's a liar.
The man's a liar.

You know,
if you lie about this,

you'll be lying
for the rest of your life,
you liar!

Liar! Liar!

Liar! Liar! Liar!

Honey, if I don't
tell the truth right now,

will you ever be able
to believe me again?

I love you, George.

George.

Walk like a man, George.

EDDIE:
Don't do anything stupid!

We're pissin' in tall cotton!

Sorry, everybody.

I have somethin'
I want to tell you.

Mr. Dibbs
was telling the truth
a little while ago.

I am a pathological liar.

I spent the last
three years of my life
in a sanitarium.

Shit, I'm broke.

I'm a Volvo dealer,
and my name happens to be

George.

This Fielding's a beauty.

George.
Get used to George.

George Washington,
as a matter of fact.

EDDIE: Hey, everybody,
take the rest
of the day off, okay?

And forget about
that five percent raise
when you come back.

It will be
a 10 percent raise!

Oh, honey.

ALL: (CHANTING)
Fielding! Fielding!

Stop fucking around!

Smile!

A little more!

All right, a little more.

Come on. Gloria,
can I have that card
for a minute?

Thank you.
And I need your lipstick.

What?
I don't wanna take a picture
with no lipstick.

I don't want no lipstick!

Yes, you'll like this one.

I don't want
no lipstick, okay?

I promise.

They'll put me in a magazine.
They'll take pictures.

It will be... Hey.

Great.

Hey, what are
you doing?

Putting my arm
around you.

I don't like to be touched.
Just keep your hands off!

What is wrong with you?

GEORGE:
Don't ever call my friend
a shithead again, okay?