All language subtitles for A.Pain.In.The.Ass.1973.{EDITION-REMASTERED.EDITION}.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Vehicle Exit
No Parking

Mr. Ducret!
He did it again!

Hold on...

Mr. Ducret!
I’ll throw you the keys.

Louis...

You parked in front
of the solicitor’s garage.

The solicitor’s garage?

Where are your keys?

In my jacket pocket.

And now, a special news flash.

Louis Randoni, whose recent
disclosures have caused a stir,

has just escaped near death.

A bomb exploded
in his car this morning,

killing the building manager.

The manager went to move
Randoni’s car

when the car bomb went off.

We will bring you more details
in our 8 o’clock news bulletin.

- Hello! This is Felix.
- Hold on, please.

Yes?

Look, it’s not my fault...

I did my job.

Nobody’s accusing you.

It’s not my fault
if someone else got in the car.

Calm down.
Just go to work as usual.

I’ll call you
to give you instructions.

General Delivery
Main office in Rambouillet

Works at Lambris.
Arrives 6:50 to 6:55.

Light blue car,
lic. 8297CF92.

The 11 o’clock news bulletin.

Louis Randoni flew
into Montpellier this morning

for his hearing

to be held at 2:00 p.m.

in the 4th District Court.

Louis Randoni
is the legal consultant

accused of stealing police documents
from several provinces.

Montpellier will be the first
to hear the Randoni case.

Randoni, who escaped a car bomb
in Paris a few days ago,

has requested police protection and
special precautions have been taken.

Jealousy was behind
a triple murder in...

Whose junk heap is parked
in front of my rig?

Some asshole
is blocking my way.

Perhaps your car, sir?

I’ll finish my coffee.

Look, buster, I work.
I ain’t got all day.

I’ll finish my coffee and go.

Well, look...
I’m a working man.

You know what it’s like.

The boss gets after you...

It’s clearing up.

The weather’s clearing.

- German?
- No, American.

American!

I have a brother who...

Who’s an Amer...
Who works in Paris

for Americans.

A company from Boston.

I don’t speak French.

Me, I speak just... French.

But I wish I could speak...

I reserved a room.
My name is Pignon.

You’re on a side street.
It’ll be quieter.

Thank you.
Especially today.

- For the electric shaver, it’s 220.
- Thank you.

- For room service, call reception.
- Thank you.

Operator? I’d like to call
441-221, please.

Hello? Mrs. Pignon, please.

It’s a personal call.

Louise? Hello!
It’s François.

I’m in Montpellier.
Perhaps we could meet...

No, I’m here for my work.
I wouldn’t be here if...

Don’t tell me
you haven’t even got 5 minutes.

I’m at the Hotel Palais,
Louise...

- I’ve reserved a room.
- Very good.

Mr. Milan.

Of course, sir.
Room 54.

- Your suitcase, sir?
- It’s okay. Thank you.

This way, sir.

It’s very busy today.

They sure sent over
a lot of cops!

Well, anyway,
it’s good for business.

You’ll have front-seat view!

I’d like to rest
and not be disturbed.

It’s 220 for the electric shaver.

For room service, call reception.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

DO NOT DISTURB

The blind in here
has come undone.

I’ll send someone right up.

Just a second.

Those blinds are rubbish,
always breaking down.

The handle?

- Is this going to take long?
- No time at all!

It’s just the catch in the pulley.

There...

- It’s fixed.
- What about the pin?

The pin, right. Thank you.

There.

It should work now.

But I wouldn’t touch it.

What’s this?

What’s going on?

Sir!

Oh shit...

He hung himself.

Call the police.
I’ll shut off the water.

Bloody hell!

Call the police!

Call the police!
Can’t you see he hung himself?

Attempted suicide,
you’re a witness!

A suicide in a hotel...

We have to call the police.

It’s true...

It’s no laughing matter.

There’s no need
to call the police.

Why not?

He’s not dead.
He’s not even hurt.

I still need to file a report.

I think the cops are busy enough
as it is today.

She didn’t want to come.

I called her.

I asked her to come,
but she didn’t want to.

For 5 minutes.

"Just 5 minutes," I said.

We’ll have a little chat.

She refused.

Just relax
and don’t think about it.

We’ll take you to the hospital.

- In a cop van.
- Don’t tell him that!

Ask him if he wants to go.

Want to go to the hospital
in a police van?

What he needs
is a little human warmth.

I’ll see to it.

Better mop up
before it leaks below.

If he tries again, I’ll be held
responsible! It’ll be me in the van!

Don’t worry. I assure you,
he won’t try it again.

Why did she do that?

I don’t understand.

I can’t live without her.

Calm down.

I want to die!

Can’t you see?

I want to die!

I want to die!

I’ll see if it’s leaking.

Everything will be fine, believe me.

You know,

I know all about depressives.
I was an army nurse.

They can’t be left alone.
They’re big trouble!

You got yourself
a handful, there.

A real handful...

If you keep acting up,
he’ll call the cops.

So I’d advise you to pipe down.

As for me, I can’t hold your hand
all day long.

- Call her.
- What?

Call my wife.
Tell her I killed myself for her.

If you call her,
she’ll have to come.

Call her, please.

I’ll go with her
and leave you alone.

I’m not calling anyone.
You solve your own problems.

- What’s her number?
- 441-722. Ask for Mrs. Pignon.

I’d like to call 441-722, please.

Don’t tell her I’m okay. I want her
to think I’m on the verge of death.

- May I speak to Mrs...
- Pignon.

Pignon, please. It’s personal.

She’s out.

I don’t know.

She’s at the stables, I’m not sure
when she’ll be back. What’s it about?

You have no idea...

Hello, I’m a friend
of Mr. Pignon’s.

He tried to commit suicide.
His wife must come to the hotel.

No, he’s not dead.
But he’s not in great shape.

You’re a pain to everyone!

It’s that bastard Fuchs!
He stole my wife!

I hope he’s scared stiff right now!

- What is it?
- He’s not answering.

What?

I knocked, there’s no answer.

- I have to mop.
- And your key?

He left his in the lock.

Come in.

I knocked.

Why didn’t you answer?

I didn’t hear.

- What is it?
- I’m sorry, but I’m scared.

He’s going to crack.

I said he wouldn’t.

If he kills himself, you and I
will both be in trouble!

Got that?

Goodbye and thank you!

I’ll take you to the stables.

Now?

You wait in the car while I talk
to her and then I’ll leave you.

Let me change my shoes.

Right.

What will you say?
You don’t even know her.

I must explain everything to you.

You can do that in the car.

We haven’t introduced ourselves.

I’m François Pignon.

And you...
What was your name again?

- Milan.
- Like the city?

You’ve been very kind, you know.

I’m very lucky
to have met you.

Are we taking your car?

Hold on, I have to get something

in my trunk.

I built a house in Poissy.
I brought pictures.

I’m up to my neck in debt.

And she left me.

You’ll see,
it’s a beautiful house.

She didn’t want to...
I moved in alone.

Why did she do that?
I don’t understand.

But I can’t live without her.

Give me that!

It’s true, what they say:

"One person is gone,
the whole world is empty."

I don’t suppose you open

- your trunk like that?
- No, I’m sorry.

Never mind, I don’t care!

I don’t care about the car.
I don’t care about anything.

Forget it, you’re messing it up.
It has to be welded.

You won’t fix it like that.

In fact,
this is my car over here.

Some days...

Okay, we can go now.

I’m sorry, I feel a little weak.

It had to be pretty violent
to break the pipe.

We’d better go.

Come on.

I used to be such a cheerful guy,

the life of the party.

"When Pignon arrives,
the fun starts," people said.

Helluva life.

But it’s my fault.

She had no appetite, wasn’t eating.
So I said: "Go see a doctor."

And that’s why
she went to see Fuchs.

Fuchs, that bastard!
Scum!

Neurologist, my ass!

Hurry up,
or I won’t be able to take you.

She saw him every day.

She’d lie on the couch.

While he should have
stayed in his chair.

That’s the usual way.

Patient on the couch,
doctor in a chair.

He inquires, takes notes.

That’s the usual
psychiatric method.

Not in this case!
Everyone ended up on the couch!

While I paid the fee!

Then he opened
a clinic in this dump

and she chose to follow him.
Can you believe it?

While I ruined myself

to build her
a lovely house in Poissy.

Why did she do it?

I don’t understand.

What do you do?

I’m... I’m in shirts.

Tricotel, we’re number 4 in France.
You’ve heard of us?

Cotton net, isn’t it?

Excellent quality!
Did you buy it in France?

BMW, it’s a good car.

A good car...
Nice finish, well-built.

German, of course!

I like Peugeot.

I’ve had a Peugeot for 10 years.
I’m very loyal.

Very loyal.

I forgot my cigarettes at the hotel.

Thanks.

You always smoke milds?

We bring you the one o’clock news.

Louis Randoni, who will appear

before the court
in Montpellier today

has told his lawyers:

"I’m going to blow open
the machine.

The real culprits
will soon be behind bars."

Randoni’s trial begins
at 2:00 p.m. today.

This goes to the quarry.

Are you sure this is the way?

Look, here’s my house.
Isn’t it nice?

He ran through the stop sign!
What ajerk, it’s unbelievable!

My wife is about to give birth!

Take her to the hospital!

You have to take her,
my car’s broken!

Listen, I’m not an ambulance.

First child?

Yes...

It’s very moving...

Fate has chosen you

to help bring a baby
into the world, a new bud.

- We’re almost there.
- My wife will be gone.

By the time we get there,
after the hospital, she’ll be gone.

And if she gives birth
in the car...

It happens all the time.
Women give birth anywhere,

in buses, in trains,

in elevators, in cars...

Feeling better, honey?

It’ll work out.

With women, you never know...

True...

You wonder what’s in their head.

Right...

Men are like this...

But women are like this...

Bingo! It wasn’t easy!

It was stuck under the seat.

Aren’t you going to wait
for the baby?

It won’t be long!

Why did she do it?
I don’t understand.

I have to be going.
Good luck.

Thank you.

I’m looking for Mrs. Pignon.

She just left for the woods.
There she is...

Thank you.

Louise, why didn’t you come?

I’ve nothing to say to you.

But...

I had to talk to you.

What for, François?
There’s nothing more to say.

I love you, Louise.

I love you, Louise.

You’re upsetting my horse.

I love you.

You’re scaring my horse.

Louise, I hung myself this morning.

What?

I hung myself in the hotel bathroom.

The guy next door took me down.

What are you saying?

Louise, I wanted to die.

Won’t you come down?

This is absurd. After 3 months,
you suddenly show up.

- Why?
- I love you.

Come back to Poissy!

Our house is finished.

I have pictures.
It’s a lovely house.

Look...

Color photos...

I took them.

Forget it, François.

Just one minute.

- Be reasonable...
- Just one minute, honey.

Leave me alone, please, François.

Okay.

Go then...

Don’t be angry, François.

I’m not angry with you.
Have a nice ride.

Will you go back?

You’re in for a surprise, honey.

Enough of your threats!

You’re in for a surprise.

Have a nice ride.

- What’s going on?
- ID check.

A pain in the ass!

Security police, SS! Security...

Cut it out!
Is there another way into town?

- Into town?
- Yes, into the city!

Well, sure. Take a left,
5 km down the road.

How’d it go?

What?

- How’d it go with his wife?
- Oh, yes. Great.

Really? He didn’t look very happy.

He just came in.

I think we’d better have a peep.

Listen, pal...

No more peeping around!
You just leave me alone!

If I need you, I’ll ring!

She didn’t even
get off her horse.

She wouldn’t listen to me,
Mr. Milan.

All I ask is that you leave me
alone now, you hear? Alone!

Okay... Very well...

Thank you, Mr. Milan!

She’ll hear about my death
on her horse.

What the hell are you doing?

She’ll understand.

Don’t be stupid, Pignon!

I can’t take it anymore.

Goodbye, Mr. Milan.

Come back here!

She’s in for a bad surprise.

Come here!

Come here, goddammit!

Go get her.

Go get her or I’ll jump!

I’m slipping...

I’m slipping, Mr. Milan!

Stop it!

Out on the ledge...

I cause you
a lot of trouble.

You saved my life.

I’ll never forget it.

Mr. Milan!

Mr. Milan, answer me!

Where are you, Mr. Milan?

Answer me, Mr. Milan!

The man in 54
said not to call you.

- Why not?
- I don’t know. I wanted to...

Go get the police van!

- Doctor, we have a problem!
- Yes, I received a call.

It was the blind,
it came undone.

I don’t believe it.

The blind came undone.
You were on the ledge...

It’s unbelievable!
You were on the ledge, remember?

You seem to be okay.

That’s all that matters.

You’ll be fine, don’t worry.

It’s unbelievable... Unbelievable.
Mr. Milan?

- You don’t want the van?
- No, let me examine him.

Can we help you?

Better not.
Depressive cases can be tricky.

Stay here.
I’ll call you if I need you.

This is in fact
a personal affair.

And I’d prefer
to settle it privately.

Mr. Milan!

What should I do...

A doctor...

- What’s the matter?
- I’m calling a doctor.

I’m a doctor.

- What luck!
- What happened?

He was on the ledge, the blind fell,
I found him in the hall.

Do you think he could have
fallen 4 floors?

Nothing broken,
his reflexes are okay.

He’s breathing normally.

You arrived just in time!

I was at the clinic
or I’d have come sooner.

Sooner?

Didn’t you call me?

- Call?
- Someone called the clinic

to say that Pignon
had committed suicide.

You’re Dr. Fuchs?

Yes, why? Did he talk about me?

A little bit...

And about Louise.

I can imagine what he told you.

Hold this... He can’t admit
that his wife no longer loves him.

It’s not easy.

Perhaps, but he’s also
kicking up a fuss.

Which is a nuisance.
I have a clinic.

I have a reputation.

What are you giving him?

- A neuroleptic.
- A what?

A tranquilizer.
It’ll make him less aggressive.

Aggressive?
He’s not at all aggressive.

Suicidals are self-aggressive
and need to be calmed down.

The bathroom, please.

He’ll be groggy
for a few hours

and unlikely
to make another attempt.

You can’t put him out like that!
What’s this all about?

Look, he’s a shirt salesman.

No need to be alert
for ajob like that.

What do you mean, not alert?
Have you ever sold shirts?

Please! If there’s a problem,
call me at the clinic.

May I ask you a question?
Why did she leave him?

- He’s a clod.
- What?

A loser with no ambition.
Pathetic.

I hardly agree!

- You think he’s smart?
- As much as anyone.

Then you’re indulgent. She told me
about her life with him. My God...

What?

Excuse me, I have to go.

What about her life with him?

Dreary. Boring as hell.
Now, goodbye.

And she’s not bored
in a nuthouse in Montpellier?

What happened to me?

Nothing, just a little accident.

It was your blind.

Are you okay, buddy?

I’ll fix it. Don’t move.

You missed the best part!
He came!

Fuchs, the skirt chaser!

Good heavens!
She’s certainly not choosy.

A feeble little guy,
a milksop,

totally insignificant!

Not only that, he wears shirts
with button-down collars.

They went out years ago!

My watch is broken.
It’s stopped.

I can’t stand up.

And he also gave you a shot.

- What?
- A tranquilizer.

What time is it?

1:30.

Where are you going?

Where’s that jerk’s clinic?

Fuchs? I don’t know.
Watch out! I have no idea.

Hey... You can’t leave like that.
You’re not well.

I’ll come with you.

Get away from me!

You can’t drive in that condition!
You can’t even stand up.

It’s irresponsible.

Actually, it’s a good idea.

While you’re with Fuchs,
I’ll go see my wife.

And speak my mind!

I started doing silly things.

Crying over her picture,
tearing up letters.

I stopped working.

I’ve become a clod.

I have 625 adjustable Y-fronts
sitting on the buffet!

- Isn’t that awful?
- How far is the clinic?

She can’t do this to me.

Excuse me, sir.

Dr. Fuchs’ clinic?

On the road to Montcouleche,
it’s after the hospital.

What was I saying? Right...

She can’t stay,
she has to come back to Poissy.

- Can’t you go a little faster?
- Sure, sorry.

I like talking to you.

It’s funny,
we barely know each other.

But I feel...

I like you!

I’ll be honest,
I hope I see you again.

Speed it up, will you!

Oh shit...

Bulls-eye!

- Running a red light?
- It was yellow, officer.

- License, please.
- It was yellow, I tell you!

- Wasn’t it yellow?
- No.

What do you mean, no?

Show him your license.
It was red.

Who cares!
I get them tossed out.

Oh yeah?

- Yeah!
- Don’t mind him, officer.

He’s joking.
He always pays his fines.

Never.

Here are his papers.

Make it quick, please.

In that case, give me your number.

- What?
- I’d like to know your number.

- What for?
- That’s my problem.

I give you my papers,

you give me your number.
It’s a free country!

Provincial cops are such dolts,
aren’t they?

By the way, what was it?

A boy or a girl?

She didn’t want children.

Hey, I’m out of gas.

If I’d had a son...

What, you’re out of gas?

If I’d had a son,
I’d have made him

a lawyer, an engineer
or a doctor.

Stop for gas!

I need a FINA station.

What for?

For the saints.

- The saints?
- The little plastic saints.

For my nephew’s nativity scene.

Don’t get upset, Mr. Milan!

Wait! Hey, wait!

Mr. Milan!

I have ajerry can! Wait!
It won’t take long!

They don’t have sex organs.

No, doctor.

No male organs.

Just hands that are
big and red and hairy.

Very, very hairy.

What is this?

What did you inject me with?

What are you doing here?

What did you inject me with?

Get out of my office!

"My office"...

You get me back on my feet, doctor.

Why, yes... Of course.

Let’s not get upset now.

I’ll see to it immediately.

There’s no reason
to get angry.

Stay calm. I’m calm.

Calm... I’m very calm.

One should never
lose one’s calm.

Relax.

Take it easy.

It’ll be fine.

Mrs. Pignon’s apartment, please.

- On your left.
- Thank you.

Excuse me...

Why are you here?

You’re back!
I restrained your husband.

I straitjacketed your husband,
a dangerous man.

He injured 2 nurses.

- Great guy, your Pignon!
- A straitjacket?

- Come see!
- What?

I can explain, Louise.

You called my wife Louise?

- What’s wrong, Edgar?
- You called my wife Louise?

She’s my wife.

- What?
- Because she’s my wife.

I’m Pignon.

You sedated a friend of mine.

- Now go and release him.
- I don’t get it.

I sedated a guy
who went out a window.

You put him out!
And straitjacketed him! Where is he?

Well, release him!

Why didn’t you say
you were Pignon?

Explain, François!

- Hurry, or I’ll call the cops!
- I want no fuss!

I was about to sedate him again.

Who is this guy?

A very nice man.

From the hotel.
Harassed by this brute!

Watch what you say!

We’re here to free you.

It’s all a mistake.

I’m sorry I gave you the shot.
But it’s his fault.

I’ve seen doctors miss the vein.
But confuse the patient?

Why didn’t you say
you were Pignon?

My legs.

Some doctor!

What time is it?

A quarter to two.

You have one minute
to get me back on my feet, doctor.

Sit down.

Cross your legs.

Cross them.

I didn’t want to see you, François.
Look at the result.

I have pictures of our house.

They give a general idea...

There will be flowers over here.

The living room...

The TV here...

We can watch it while we eat.

What’s he blathering about,
his stupid TV?

I said you had one minute
to get me on my feet.

- He tore up our house!
- Why’d you do that?

Go home!
We’ll discuss it later!

Don’t yell!

Dammit, I told you to go home!

If you don’t
do something for me...

Okay.

Come with me.

- You go home.
- Leave me alone!

That’s right, leave her alone!

I can’t keep my attention focused
because after...

a few seconds,

everything blurs
and I can’t see.

It’s not serious.

Really?

It’s problematic for precision work,
but you’re a salesman...

Right. I’ll get you 2 amphetamines.

They’ll soon wake you up.

I’d go to a real doctor.

You’re going to get it!

Are you still going at it?

François, are you hurt?

Answer me, François!
That goon, that brute!

François, darling, answer me.

Nothing’s broken, I hope.

No, I’m okay.

How could you attack someone
like that?

Hold this. Excuse me...

Edgar, stop it!
Let go of him!

- Where is he?
- Who?

- Mr. Milan.
- How should I know?

Mr. Milan!

The Hotel Palais, in 5 minutes.

- Fasten your seatbelt.
- I’ll be okay.

Shit!

I race cars.

Asshole!

Some people
shouldn’t have a license.

You okay?

Two minutes to go.

Five minutes?
I’ll go get him.

- Mr. Randoni.
- I’m ready.

Here we are!

And thank you!

I think it’s going to work out.

I think my wife will come back.

Fuchs is such ajerk!

I’d like to say goodbye to you.

We can’t just part.

I want to say goodbye.
You were so nice to me.

I have a little surprise for you.

It’s not much,
but I think you’ll like it.

What’s your collar size?

I have a shirt for you.

What’s your collar size?

I think I have a measuring tape.

- May I take your bag?
- Just a second.

You must be about a 41,
not too big.

Where’s my measuring tape?

On the ledge?
What the hell does that mean?

Dr. Fuchs said...

You see two idiots up there

and do nothing
but twiddle your asses!

Fine.
We will talk about this later!

Just relax.
Otherwise it swells up.

I’m having trouble...

It isn’t easy.

43! I wouldn’t have thought
you had such a thick neck!

Indeed, size 43 isn’t very common.

They want you...

- Downstairs.
- What about your bag?

I can take it down.

You know, in 43,
I haven’t got much.

Blue, brown or plaid.

Do you like plaid?

- Yes?
- Police!

We were told someone
stepped outside the window here.

- Your identification, please.
- Sure, no problem.

But everything’s okay now.

I was a little depressed.
But I feel better now.

Your ID, sir?

I’d like a word with you.

After you.

He wanted to commit suicide.

Poor guy... his wife...

I tried to console him,
took him under my wing, so to speak.

I did my best.

We’re both salesmen.

But I’m happy because...

I think he’ll be okay.
You saw him...

His wife left him
for a psychiatrist, Dr. Fuchs.

You’ve surely heard of him.

Your ID, please.

You can’t be left alone, can you?

Give me that gun.

- So that’s why...
- You’ve been a pain in the ass!

So once again,
I was the clod!

Who is it?

It’s Louise.

Go with her.
Give me the gun.

Go on! She’s what matters!

Wait downstairs!

I’ll be right down.

Oh, really?

You’ll never see her again!

These last 2 hours
must’ve been agony for you!

- Give me that!
- Stop! I’ll toss it out the window!

You want me to go to jail?

What?

The cops will be here
if they see you at the window.

The people I work for
are ruthless.

If I don’t do the job,
they’ll get me sooner or later.

Come to Poissy.

Hide out in Poissy.

We have a sofa in the living room.

Pignon, what have I done to you?
Why do you persecute me like this?

I don’t want to persecute you.
I want to help you.

It’s the same thing.
What have I done?

You saved my life.
I’ll never forget it.

I’m sorry, Mr. Milan.
I didn’t do it on purpose.

The hotel is surrounded.
You’ve no choice but to surrender.

Open up!

Mr. Milan!

- What’s happening?
- The guy in 52 again!

That’s my husband.

Well, he’s been
a pain in the ass!

Mr. Milan!

The area is sealed off!
Turn around and leave!

- I’ve come for my wife...
- Turn around!

Pignon! Milan! We’ve got you.

Give yourselves up!

By the chimney!

Stop!

Stop!

Wait for me!

Mr. Milan, I’ll stick by you.

When I opened your suitcase,
it was a shock.

But I think one should
make allowances.

Don’t you think so?

Everyone needs a friend.

So you have a gun in your suitcase!
Okay, you have a gun!

I’m glad I met you. For the first
time in 3 months, I don’t feel alone.

Milan! Pignon!
You won’t get out of the city!

We’ll steal a car, Mr. Milan.

You can have my room.

I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa.

Come on...

We’ll get around the roadblocks.

You’ll see, it will all work out.

I’ll look after you at home.

We’ll organize everything.

I asked them to put us
in the same cell.

I think it’ll work out, Mr. Milan.