All language subtitles for tommy_cooper_1980_s01e02_september_9_1980

I'm wearing my tails tonight.

Do you like them?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this
trick now I'm going to show you is

dangerous.

I could break my neck doing this.

So if I meet with an accident, I'd like
to take my applause now.

I'm not going to break my neck for that.

Yes, it's Cooper's half hour.

We're going to have a good time.

Oh, yes, we are.

Come on in and sit right down the town.

© BF -WATCH

TV 2021

Sit right now. Come on in. Sit right
now.

We'll have a good time.

Yes, we will.

Come on in. Sit right now.

Gentlemen, it's the star of our show,
Tommy Cooper!

Well,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Have I got time for more?

The producer of the show said to me the
night, he said, how are you feeling

tonight? I said, I feel a little bit
funny.

He said, well, get out of there before
it wears off.

Do you know, anybody here that saw the
last show?

Anybody? Yes?

Great.

No? That's all right, thanks.

Now the reason I say that because as a
producer last in the last show said to

I said to him What was it like I said to
him what was it like and he said he

went he went He said it wasn't very

good I said what do you mean?

He said it wasn't you I said what do you
mean it wasn't me?

He said what he did about his sparkle

He said, you were down.

He said, you weren't bright. All like
that.

He said, you weren't like that at all.
You were down like that. Up, bright.

I said, I thought I was.

You know, he said, you wasn't.

That's what I thought I was.

And he didn't like it much.

No, he left in a huff.

Well, it may be a day, but I don't know
As if

you weren't sparkling I'll come

out

again see what I look like this time.
I'll come out again, right

Is that better?

Hey!

Look at that sparkle.

Is that better?

It's better, isn't it?

That's not bad.

He said, roll your eyes. I went like
that.

Feel the rolling?

Feel?

I did that the other day. This one fell
out.

He said, but you weren't yourself.

You weren't the real me.

So it got me worried.

So I went to my doctor.

And my doctor goes about six or seven
hospitals a week.

He's a very sick doctor.

And so he sent me to see this
psychiatrist friend.

And I told him what the producer said.

Because I was a little bit upset, you
know.

And he said, I wasn't the real me.

He said, well...

We're going to look for who the real you
is.

Otherwise, you won't be happy.

I said, you're right, you're right.

I was right. Well, I was right.

Because the producer said... He said, it
just wasn't you.

It wasn't you.

It wasn't the real you.

So I told him, I said, the producer
said, I wasn't the real you or me.

Do you know what I'm talking about? I
don't.

And he said, well, we've got to look for
the real you.

And I said to myself, well, if I don't
know who I am,

how do I know what I look like?

And the real me can be worse than me.

He made that very sparkly than me.

It made me worse.

No sparkly at all like that.

And he'd get in trouble with the
producer.

And he said to me, the producer said,
there's no goodies there, it wasn't you.

He said, you looked all alone up there
last week, all alone.

I said, well, I'm the only one here.

See that?

This is just the same.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Stop it. Hey, hey, hey.

I will now change this thing of rocks
into furniture.

One, two, three.

Three piece three.

Herring -a -doo -a -day, herring -a -doo
-a -daddy -o, herring -a -doo -a -day,

with my wax -balled -a -daddy in the
town of Valley Bay.

There was a lassie dwellin', I knew her
very well, and the story's worth the

tellin'. Her father had the still, he
was a good distiller, but when she had

thirst, a brewery wouldn't fill her.

Herring -a -doo -a -day, herring -a -doo
-a -daddy -o, herring -a -doo -a -day,

with my wax -balled -a -daddy -o.

And she had the wooden leg, it was
hollow in the middle.

She tied it with a string and she played
it like a fiddle. She fiddled in the

hall, she fiddled in the alley. She
didn't give a fiddle or she had to

anyway. Her ring -a -doo -a -day, her
ring -a -doo -a -daddy -o, her ring -a

-doo -a -day with me whack -a -ball -a
-daddy -o.

And she said she couldn't dance unless
she had her wellies on. But when she had

them on, she danced as good as anyone.
She wouldn't go to bed unless she had

shimmy on. But when she had it on, she'd
go to bed with anyone.

Her ring -a -doo -a -day, her ring -a
-doo -a -daddy -o, her ring -a -doo -a

-day with me whack -a -ball -a -daddy
-o. She had lovers by the score. Every

time I'd take in Harry, she was courting
night and day. Still she wouldn't

marry. And then she fell in love with
the fella with the stammer. When he

to run away, she hit him with the
hammer.

Herring -a -doo -a -day.

Herring -a -doo -a -daddy -o. Herring -a
-doo -a -day with my whack -balled -a

-daddy -o.

She had children by the score. She had
children in the fire. She'd another ten

or twelve sit and roar and be the fire.
She fed them on potatoes and soup made

out of nettles and lumps of hairy bacon
that she boiled up into kettles. Herring

you do a day.

Herring you do a daddy -o. Herring you
do a day with me whack full of daddy -o.

So she led a simple life, eating
porridge and like pudding. She

man, and then he died sudden.

And when he passed away, she was feeling
very sorry. She rolled him in a sack

and she threw him in the quarry. Herring
-a -do -a -day, herring -a -do -a

-daddy -o, herring -a -do -a -day with
me.

Thank you.

Oh, dear.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall
ask you to now show you the very famous

floating ball. This was done by that
wonderful magician Ching Ling Su.

And all the famous magicians are dead.

Hu Jing is dead.

Horace Gold is dead.

I don't feel so good myself.

Anyway, what happens in this ball?

It will come out of here. It'll float
up.

It'll come up to about there. It may
come up to there.

Oh, no, I won't, because I... Right,

see, now, when I say the magic words,
half -hour, direct command to the boar,

will come slowly up.

Ha!

I didn't say hard enough.

He let me down in front of all these
people.

Right, I've become... Now, look, now.

Here we go.

Now, up you go.

Up. Oh, it looks lovely.

Marvellous. Up you go. See, it won't go
left.

And it won't go right.

But it goes right.

Up.

Up.

Up.

I've forgotten something.

Let me think. No, what was it?

I forgot the magic word.

Hocus Pocus.

Fishbones chokers.

So you hold the ball.

I said,

have you seen that ball?

Where's that ball? Have you seen it
anywhere?

I was here.

I was standing here, I can tell you. I
was standing right here. And I was

holding... Oh, there you are. That's it.

I was holding it like that, you see.

Now, what's going to happen is this.

No,

I'm kidding.

No, you see.

Now, go left, left.

Oh, right, that's it. Go right.

Where are you now? Where are you? Oh,
there you are. That's cut.

Come back to daddy now. Don't let me
down.

Now, where's that ball? Where is it?

Have you seen it anywhere?

Where is it? I mean, nowhere.

Come to daddy. Come to daddy now.

Daddy, daddy, daddy. Come to daddy.

I don't know where it is. See, what I
was going to do is this.

I was going to hold my hand like that,
you see.

And then pull the ball up, hold it on
the right.

And then up again onto the left, you
see.

That kind of thing.

Because I got them all.

I'm sorry, Bob.

I told you I couldn't do it.

This is so horrible.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bond Queen.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

So if you see a spider, don't you stir
up a spider. What you think the widow's

wearing black?

Jack! Queen Bee, baby.

Pray that you may be left on your own.

None should give you, gonna outlive you.

But the Queen Bee's never gonna be
alone.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

wow.

I'm not even first. She's gonna feed you
to a dinosaur.

I'm so sad

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I would now like to demonstrate to you
the art of probing into the inner mind.

The ancient art of hypnotism.

For this, I require a volunteer from the
audience, and I promise I will not

ridicule that person in any way
whatsoever.

But I must point out that I have found
in the past that the more intelligent

person is, the more susceptible they are
to being hypnotized.

So I would like a highly sensitive,
intelligent person to assist me.

May I please have a volunteer?

Yes.

Step this way, please, sir.

Firstly, I would like

to show you the amazing vanishing vase,
because I'm also somewhat of a

prestidigitateur.

Would you kindly hold this tray?

Would you hold the vase?

Yes, go on.

It's the cards, you know. What?

You're leaving.

I will now cover the vase with this
clock.

I will

now cover...

The vase.

It is closed.

Now, when I fire this gun, the vase will
vanish.

It's still related enough to say that.

Ladies and gentlemen, here I have an
ordinary pack of cards. Now, sir, would

take any card you like? Any card at all.

Look at it.

Don't show me.

Replace it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, before I
reveal the chosen card in a mysterious

way, I will hypnotize this intelligent
man.

Look deep into my eyes.

And now, sir, you're on board ship on
the high seas.

And the sea is getting rough.

Very rough.

And you're going up and down.

The sea is getting calmer.

The sky is blue.

The sun is shining.

And you feel happy.

Very happy.

You feel like singing.

Yes. Singing.

Yes, we have no bananas.

We have no bananas today.

We have sausages.

And onions.

Now, when I... Plums. When I clap... My
hands.

Plums.

Plums. And onions.

When I clap my hands, you will come out
of your trance.

And now, sir.

Do you remember? You chose a card from
this pack.

Would you tell the ladies and gentlemen
your chosen card?

The ace of hearts. The ace of hearts has
risen invisibly from this pack into

your top breast pocket, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

The producers gave me the cigar.

One for myself and one for me.

Yeah, he did. He got them.

Two for one pound ten pence.

I think this is a ten pence one.