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Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper!
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And now, ladies and gentlemen, without
any more ado, and believe me, there is
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plenty more ado to come, meet the star
of our show, Tommy Cooper!
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What do you mean, come on? Just come on.
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I was having a drink just before the
show, and a man said to me, he said, do
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always drink whiskey neat?
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I said, no, I don't. Sometimes I don't
wear a tie. I have a shirt hanging.
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Now, here's a magic wand. There's a
white tip here and a white tip there.
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Now, the reason for the white tips is to
separate the end from the centre.
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I get worse.
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Look, it clings to my hand. See that? It
can't fall down.
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Got my finger there.
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The vanishing wand.
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Holy wand.
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This wand was vanishing from your very
eyes.
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Just like a flash of light.
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Sully wand.
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I was walking on the other night, and I
had two grips with me, see?
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And... Two grips.
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And a policeman had stopped me.
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When they could do that, they're allowed
to do that.
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Oh, my teeth itch.
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And it was a bit harsh. He said to me,
what have you got on that grip there?
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I said, I've got sugar from a tea.
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He said, what have you got on the other
one? I said, sugar from a coffee.
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And he took his trenchant out, and he
went, boom!
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There's a lump for your cocoa.
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My wife sent him this this morning.
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She said, you're driving me to my grave.
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I had the car out in two minutes.
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This is an old joke.
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No, this is an old joke. Old joke, this.
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It was prehistoric, prehistoric, rather.
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Two men, two men, prehistoric men, see.
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And they're sitting outside the caves
and they're eating some dinosaur
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sandwiches.
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With some pickles.
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A little salad.
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And then one thought he'd tell a joke to
the other one.
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So he went... And the other
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went...
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And the other one said, I heard it.
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Do you know, I'd done magic when I was
eight years old. When I was
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eight, I was given a bicycle as a
present.
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And I've gone along on this bike very
fast, and I knocked an old lady down.
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She didn't like it.
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And she got up and she said to me, can't
you ring your bell?
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I was like, I'll ring the bell, but I
can't ride the bike.
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And I'm going along again, very fast,
always fast.
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I was always fast.
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And I fell off.
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And when I got up, my arm was like that.
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It didn't look right to me, you know
what I mean?
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So I went to the doctors. He said,
that's not right.
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I said, it's funny you said that. I said
that.
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I said, what is it? He said, your left
arm. I said, I know that.
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I said, well, when it's mended, can I
play the piano?
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He said, yes.
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I said, that's funny, I could play it
before.
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I invented this.
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You know sometimes when you go to the
cinema and people are behind you and
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talking.
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Am I right?
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That's true, isn't it?
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See, so... I'll put that on, I know.
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So I can listen to the film.
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And if the film's not all that good, I
can listen to the conversation.
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Vanishing cigar.
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Do me the shock, Susie, now.
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See the stairs with the plates on there?
Watch it very, very closely. Here we
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go.
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What a father
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And there'll be more from the man
himself a little bit later on in the
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Well, they do say, ladies and gentlemen,
that you don't have to be big to be
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beautiful. And here is a young lady who
proves the truth of that particular
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thing. The lovely Lindsay DePaul. So if
you're ready, Lindsay, let's boogie. Is
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that an invitation?
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It's certainly a sweetheart.
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Okay.
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I used to read it in my paperback books.
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But not the look.
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I never knew what I had missed.
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But they never said that it would be
like this.
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I used to watch it in the picture show.
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you can moralize as much as you please.
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I want to speak to Inspector Smith.
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Is that your inspector?
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Well, it's me.
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You know me, don't you?
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Listen, I've got the news you wanted.
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I can tell you who the killer is.
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The killer's name is... The killer's
name
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is...
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I'll ring you back later. There's too
much noise in here.
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Thank you very much indeed. Good
evening, Tommy. Good evening, David.
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I
welcome you once again to Fez to Fez.
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Well, as you see on the table in front
of us here, we have a box full of hats.
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And to my mind, this means that Tommy's
going to do one of his classic poems
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using all the hats. Is that right,
Tommy? No.
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Oh. Well, Tommy's not going to do one of
his classic poems using all the hats.
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You were nearly right.
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Oh, thank goodness for that.
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And because hats today are out of
fashion, aren't they?
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Well, absolutely.
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I mean, personally, I never wear a hat.
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Well, how could you with all that hair?
How could you wear a hat?
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I mean, it's like these test triggers,
isn't it?
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I mean, they'd wear long hair like that,
didn't they?
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Put the cap on like that, look.
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See, and they'd go into bed like that,
didn't they?
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I'm all right, it's true, isn't it?
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It is true.
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Well, actually, come to think of it,
they do look a bit ridiculous. But
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Women love to wear hats.
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I'm glad you said that.
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Well, in this interview, I'm glad to say
anything.
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Well, as a matter of fact, women can
only wear hats on two special occasions,
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really. Really? When's that?
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Well, at, er... weddings.
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And Ascot.
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You know, Tommy, you've touched on a
very profound subject there. Tell me,
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exactly is your psychological
explanation of tonsorial decoration?
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It's a funny joke.
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Hello, hello.
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What's all this here?
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You get that? What's all this here?
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I can see that you enjoy being a... I
said I can see you enjoy being a
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Oh, I'd rather be a singer.
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A singer? Yes.
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Do you mean a... Can I borrow one of
your hats?
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Go ahead. Do you mean a... Strangers in
the night, two lonely people, strangers
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in the night, until the moment we were
sharing love?
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00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:58,180
Type of singer. Or, on the other hand,
you may mean a... Type
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00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:03,860
of singer.
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00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:13,680
I like a type that can sing.
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00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,420
Sorry about that. Oh, I've got to giggle
over that one.
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Oh, I've got to giggle.
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Go ahead.
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So you prefer the type who can sing?
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Yes. Well... I'd like to sing with you.
You would?
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I would.
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You'd make me sound good.
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What I don't understand is, Tommy, I
don't understand why you would rather be
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singer than a comedian.
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Well, they've got it made easy, haven't
they?
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I mean, I see he comes out and he sings
a song and they say encore one more
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time. And he does the same song all over
again.
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00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:49,910
And you can't do that with a joke? Well,
you can't tell the same joke twice, can
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you? Well, how do you know? You've never
tried it.
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00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:53,390
That's true.
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00:19:53,710 --> 00:19:56,350
Well, I'll tell you what. That is a true
statement.
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Absolutely right.
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I'll tell you what. Why don't you try it
tonight?
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I will. Right.
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Tell the same joke twice. All right.
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I bet you can't do it. I will.
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Right. It's just faith in it, see?
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What, is there anything in the box? I
don't know.
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That is 16th century.
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Why did you give him this hat? Why did
you give him that?
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I told you to give him the white hat.
It's nothing to do with me. I did put
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hat on. I said, give him the white hat.
Don't give him this moody hat.
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I didn't put the hat on.
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I said, make sure. I've got to take the
hat. Well, they give me the hat. I can't
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do anything about it, can I?
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I asked for a bowler hat and I got this.
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I mean, the joke's a joke, isn't it?
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Get it right next time. Yeah, right.
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What was I talking about?
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The 16th century faith healer. So this
faith healer, you see, he said to this
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man, how's your brother?
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And this man said... He said, he's ill.
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See? And this faith healer said, no, no,
no, no.
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He only thinks he's ill.
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He said, no, he's ill. He looks ill. He
looks ill.
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He's not really ill.
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See?
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So two weeks later, the faith is in him.
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Met him again, see? And he said, how's
your brother?
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And he said, he thinks he's dead.
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Encore! Encore!
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Encore! I like it. I like it.
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Tell you what, now. All you've got to do
is do it again.
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Do it again?
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Do it again. Change the lyrics a bit.
Alter the key. You've got a winner. Do
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again.
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And she said... Up a bit. A bit more.
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A bit higher.
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All right.
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She said... I hurt myself then.
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She said to this lady, see, how's your
sister?
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And she said, she's ill.
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See?
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And she said, no, no, no.
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She only thinks she's ill.
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No, dear, she's ill.
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00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:30,640
No, no, no.
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She only thinks she's ill.
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She's ill.
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That's nothing to do with me, that.
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So two weeks, two weeks later, she met
her again.
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And she said,
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sister and she said she's fine but my
brother still thinks he's dead
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In that case, there was only one thing
to do. What's that?
16107
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