All language subtitles for tommy_cooper_1975_s01e04_november_5_1975

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without
any more ado, and believe me, there is

plenty more ado to come, meet the star
of our show, Tommy Cooper!

What do you mean, come on? Just come on.

I was having a drink just before the
show, and a man said to me, he said, do

always drink whiskey neat?

I said, no, I don't. Sometimes I don't
wear a tie. I have a shirt hanging.

Now, here's a magic wand. There's a
white tip here and a white tip there.

Now, the reason for the white tips is to
separate the end from the centre.

I get worse.

Look, it clings to my hand. See that? It
can't fall down.

Got my finger there.

The vanishing wand.

Holy wand.

This wand was vanishing from your very
eyes.

Just like a flash of light.

Sully wand.

I was walking on the other night, and I
had two grips with me, see?

And... Two grips.

And a policeman had stopped me.

When they could do that, they're allowed
to do that.

Oh, my teeth itch.

And it was a bit harsh. He said to me,
what have you got on that grip there?

I said, I've got sugar from a tea.

He said, what have you got on the other
one? I said, sugar from a coffee.

And he took his trenchant out, and he
went, boom!

There's a lump for your cocoa.

My wife sent him this this morning.

She said, you're driving me to my grave.

I had the car out in two minutes.

This is an old joke.

No, this is an old joke. Old joke, this.

It was prehistoric, prehistoric, rather.

Two men, two men, prehistoric men, see.

And they're sitting outside the caves
and they're eating some dinosaur

sandwiches.

With some pickles.

A little salad.

And then one thought he'd tell a joke to
the other one.

So he went... And the other

went...

And the other one said, I heard it.

Do you know, I'd done magic when I was
eight years old. When I was

eight, I was given a bicycle as a
present.

And I've gone along on this bike very
fast, and I knocked an old lady down.

She didn't like it.

And she got up and she said to me, can't
you ring your bell?

I was like, I'll ring the bell, but I
can't ride the bike.

And I'm going along again, very fast,
always fast.

I was always fast.

And I fell off.

And when I got up, my arm was like that.

It didn't look right to me, you know
what I mean?

So I went to the doctors. He said,
that's not right.

I said, it's funny you said that. I said
that.

I said, what is it? He said, your left
arm. I said, I know that.

I said, well, when it's mended, can I
play the piano?

He said, yes.

I said, that's funny, I could play it
before.

I invented this.

You know sometimes when you go to the
cinema and people are behind you and

talking.

Am I right?

That's true, isn't it?

See, so... I'll put that on, I know.

So I can listen to the film.

And if the film's not all that good, I
can listen to the conversation.

Vanishing cigar.

Do me the shock, Susie, now.

See the stairs with the plates on there?
Watch it very, very closely. Here we

go.

What a father

And there'll be more from the man
himself a little bit later on in the

Well, they do say, ladies and gentlemen,
that you don't have to be big to be

beautiful. And here is a young lady who
proves the truth of that particular

thing. The lovely Lindsay DePaul. So if
you're ready, Lindsay, let's boogie. Is

that an invitation?

It's certainly a sweetheart.

Okay.

I used to read it in my paperback books.

But not the look.

I never knew what I had missed.

But they never said that it would be
like this.

I used to watch it in the picture show.

you can moralize as much as you please.

I want to speak to Inspector Smith.

Is that your inspector?

Well, it's me.

You know me, don't you?

Listen, I've got the news you wanted.

I can tell you who the killer is.

The killer's name is... The killer's
name

is...

I'll ring you back later. There's too
much noise in here.

Thank you very much indeed. Good
evening, Tommy. Good evening, David.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I
welcome you once again to Fez to Fez.

Well, as you see on the table in front
of us here, we have a box full of hats.

And to my mind, this means that Tommy's
going to do one of his classic poems

using all the hats. Is that right,
Tommy? No.

Oh. Well, Tommy's not going to do one of
his classic poems using all the hats.

You were nearly right.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

And because hats today are out of
fashion, aren't they?

Well, absolutely.

I mean, personally, I never wear a hat.

Well, how could you with all that hair?
How could you wear a hat?

I mean, it's like these test triggers,
isn't it?

I mean, they'd wear long hair like that,
didn't they?

Put the cap on like that, look.

See, and they'd go into bed like that,
didn't they?

I'm all right, it's true, isn't it?

It is true.

Well, actually, come to think of it,
they do look a bit ridiculous. But

Women love to wear hats.

I'm glad you said that.

Well, in this interview, I'm glad to say
anything.

Well, as a matter of fact, women can
only wear hats on two special occasions,

really. Really? When's that?

Well, at, er... weddings.

And Ascot.

You know, Tommy, you've touched on a
very profound subject there. Tell me,

exactly is your psychological
explanation of tonsorial decoration?

It's a funny joke.

Hello, hello.

What's all this here?

You get that? What's all this here?

I can see that you enjoy being a... I
said I can see you enjoy being a

Oh, I'd rather be a singer.

A singer? Yes.

Do you mean a... Can I borrow one of
your hats?

Go ahead. Do you mean a... Strangers in
the night, two lonely people, strangers

in the night, until the moment we were
sharing love?

Type of singer. Or, on the other hand,
you may mean a... Type

of singer.

I like a type that can sing.

Sorry about that. Oh, I've got to giggle
over that one.

Oh, I've got to giggle.

Go ahead.

So you prefer the type who can sing?

Yes. Well... I'd like to sing with you.
You would?

I would.

You'd make me sound good.

What I don't understand is, Tommy, I
don't understand why you would rather be

singer than a comedian.

Well, they've got it made easy, haven't
they?

I mean, I see he comes out and he sings
a song and they say encore one more

time. And he does the same song all over
again.

And you can't do that with a joke? Well,
you can't tell the same joke twice, can

you? Well, how do you know? You've never
tried it.

That's true.

Well, I'll tell you what. That is a true
statement.

Absolutely right.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you try it
tonight?

I will. Right.

Tell the same joke twice. All right.

I bet you can't do it. I will.

Right. It's just faith in it, see?

What, is there anything in the box? I
don't know.

That is 16th century.

Why did you give him this hat? Why did
you give him that?

I told you to give him the white hat.
It's nothing to do with me. I did put

hat on. I said, give him the white hat.
Don't give him this moody hat.

I didn't put the hat on.

I said, make sure. I've got to take the
hat. Well, they give me the hat. I can't

do anything about it, can I?

I asked for a bowler hat and I got this.

I mean, the joke's a joke, isn't it?

Get it right next time. Yeah, right.

What was I talking about?

The 16th century faith healer. So this
faith healer, you see, he said to this

man, how's your brother?

And this man said... He said, he's ill.

See? And this faith healer said, no, no,
no, no.

He only thinks he's ill.

He said, no, he's ill. He looks ill. He
looks ill.

He's not really ill.

See?

So two weeks later, the faith is in him.

Met him again, see? And he said, how's
your brother?

And he said, he thinks he's dead.

Encore! Encore!

Encore! I like it. I like it.

Tell you what, now. All you've got to do
is do it again.

Do it again?

Do it again. Change the lyrics a bit.
Alter the key. You've got a winner. Do

again.

And she said... Up a bit. A bit more.

A bit higher.

All right.

She said... I hurt myself then.

She said to this lady, see, how's your
sister?

And she said, she's ill.

See?

And she said, no, no, no.

She only thinks she's ill.

No, dear, she's ill.

No, no, no.

She only thinks she's ill.

She's ill.

That's nothing to do with me, that.

So two weeks, two weeks later, she met
her again.

And she said,

sister and she said she's fine but my
brother still thinks he's dead

In that case, there was only one thing
to do. What's that?