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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
Tommy Cooper Hour, with his guests
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the new vaudeville band, Mark and
McNeil,
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Lindsay DePaul,
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and Topo Jesus.
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00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:36,460
And now, here he is himself, our star
host,
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Thank you. Lovely taste.
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Black, brown, orange, pink.
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Many times he'd come on the stage and
say, this will get a laugh.
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This is a funny word, that, isn't it?
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That.
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But no one told me.
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They can be fun to if you only see.
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There's such a lot of beauty you can
live for.
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You only need someone to open up your
eyes.
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And you'll open up nothing before.
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I see a star.
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A brand new star.
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It's right.
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Twinkling your eyes I see a frame
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A happy frame
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I see a song, a brand new song.
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It's right between your eyes.
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I see a face, a happy face.
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Would you like to buy a camera?
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Why? You mean this one?
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Why do you want to sell it?
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Well, you see, I met this American in
Oxford Street. Do you know him?
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And he said to me, if you could sell 601
cameras, you could have one free.
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One free what?
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I don't know. I hope it's not a camera.
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I've got four already.
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Yes, well, I don't want a camera either.
I've got three. Well, I'll tell you
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what. I would have a photograph taken
together.
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Just for a snapshot. Photograph? All
right.
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Where should we stand? Over here? All
right. Back.
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I'd better adjust it.
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Keep
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smiling.
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Do you realize I've got a quick change
here?
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What is the time switch?
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How long till you get a tea?
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About six days.
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I'll just adjust it, all right? All
right. Just adjust. All right.
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That's fine.
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Okay. All right.
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Here we go.
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Keep smiling.
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a little adjustment.
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I am not mad.
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Look, I know more about cameras. Just
get out of the way. All right. I'll tell
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you what.
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I'll take a photograph of you.
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That's right. Stand back there. Yes.
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And let's have a bit of composition on
this.
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I see you holding a great big cuddly
teddy bear.
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Where did you get a teddy bear?
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The place that followed us.
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That's it. Now, I'll count one, two.
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Say one, two, three, go. Kiss the teddy
bear on the cheek.
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Okay?
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One, two, three, go.
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That was the wrong cheek.
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Now put it down.
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Yes, it's G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E
-G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G
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-G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G
-E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E
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-E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E
-G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G
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-G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G
-E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E
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-E -G -E
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-G
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-E -
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Shake it up, baby.
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Twist and shout.
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Twist and shout.
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Come on.
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Come on. Come on. Come on.
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Looks so good.
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You've got me going now.
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Just like I knew I would.
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Tom, and they've already been on.
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Lindsay DePaul's next.
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Oh. We've got three lovely singers for
you.
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Lindsay DePaul.
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Only one singer, Tom.
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Just one. Only one. I'm sorry, ladies
and gentlemen, Lindsay DePaul couldn't
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turn up.
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So how about a nice big welcome now to
Dee.
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I'm alone with you And I look in your
eyes
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It's no surprise You've ever
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played for me I only want to be Alone
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with you
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Please won't you let it be
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numbers may come
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Please won't you let it be alone with
you,
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alone with you, alone.
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Situation vacant.
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Nuclear... wanted.
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I'll take that.
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Oi! Yes?
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Look at you.
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Hansel...
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You see to such a depth of... You can't
even say it. Shut up!
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Don't forget all that.
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One job after another, you're thrown
away.
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Take the job last week. A covered
garden.
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Well, I was there.
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I was there.
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Ready to put the baskets on my head.
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But there wasn't a single basket there.
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But you made them all look a...
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Ask her in the end, did you?
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What a mess.
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Oh,
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boy!
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And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to meet a very lovable puppet, Top Dog.
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Top Dog? Oh, I'd do that.
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Well,
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I'm no fool. I could do that. Ladies and
gentlemen, Topo Zizio.
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Alan.
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Alan!
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Yes, Topo Zizio.
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Alan, will you help me, please?
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Well, of course. What do you want me to
do?
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Will you hold this for me, please? This?
Yes.
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Thank you.
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What are you going to do?
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I'm going to walk the tightrope.
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Just like the circus.
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Here we go.
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Alan. Yes?
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Hey, are you holding the rope tight?
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Yes, I've got it. Don't worry.
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Okay, okay.
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Hey,
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Alan. Yeah? Hey, tie the rope around
your finger just
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to make sure.
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Well, there we go. No.
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Oh, you heard Topper. Oh, no.
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That is the trick.
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To fall so you don't get hurt.
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Ah, Alan, I have another trick.
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I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me.
I've got to go and introduce the next
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Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Alan.
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Look, look.
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This is very, very heavy.
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Yes, I can see that. It takes great
strength.
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I fooled you, didn't I?
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You thought it was really very, very
heavy.
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I want to talk to you very seriously.
Now, why do you try and do all these
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dangerous circus tricks? What's the
reason for that?
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00:39:21,940 --> 00:39:28,180
Well, the director said, you are so
good.
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And me, to appear in Tommy Cooper's
show, I must be very good,
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too. Must I?
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Well, you are very good, Topo.
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Perhaps, perhaps the matter is you are
so tall.
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Oh. How high are you?
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Six feet two.
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Six feet two?
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Mm -hmm.
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Of course.
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What have I said?
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I'm only seven inches and enough.
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When you are small, you always lose.
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See?
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Won't you know what am I tell you?
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You can't just leave me, walk out on the
audience like this.
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What do you believe? That it's nice to
me going around making
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fiascos? And the fault is yours because
you are tall.
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What do you believe? That it's nice to
me in emotional...
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Calm down.
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Now, come on. Now, be friends again. Be
friends.
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Sure.
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We are friends.
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Alan.
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Alan. Yes.
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Can I ask you something?
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Yes, of course you can.
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Alan, before I'm going,
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And now ladies and gentlemen we come to
the Tommy Cooper story
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the definitive autobiography of the
famous entertainer.
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And here he is in person, Mr.
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Thomas Cooper.
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finding it a little difficult to piece
together all the evidence.
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00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:29,320
Now, is it entirely true that you were
particularly attached to a duck called
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Evangeline, Major Paul?
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00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:33,340
Yes, yes, that's true. I'm glad to hear
that.
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What's that?
187
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:36,919
What was that?
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That's just part of my past. I used to
do that when I was a kid.
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Oh, really?
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Would you like a quick yo -yo?
191
00:42:42,660 --> 00:42:45,040
No, thank you. I broke myself with the
habit.
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A yo.
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No, no.
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No. Oh.
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00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:56,160
Oh. Now, let's get back to the story, if
we can. Mm -hmm. What about your
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romantic life?
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Well, I was too tall, wasn't I?
198
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Oh, were you?
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Yeah, I was too tall.
200
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Yes.
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One more time? No, please.
202
00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:09,360
Yeah, I was too tall, you see. Well, I
was too tall. Oh.
203
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:13,220
And so... What did you do?
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I'll tell you. Go on.
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I went to see the doctor.
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00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:31,760
nose, it doesn't make sense.
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00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:36,420
Doctor, I want to lose height.
208
00:43:37,620 --> 00:43:41,180
Weight? No, I don't want weight. I want
to lose height. Oh, don't be silly.
209
00:43:41,260 --> 00:43:42,260
Nobody can lose height.
210
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:50,960
Oh,
211
00:43:51,820 --> 00:43:54,640
it's ridiculous. You can't lose height.
Nobody can lose height.
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00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:56,480
Well, I thought you could be a
painkiller.
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00:43:57,020 --> 00:43:58,700
And tap me on the head lightly every
day.
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00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:04,880
Do you want it privately or on the
national health?
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00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:06,100
Private.
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00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,560
In that case, it's all I want to meet
you with. Yes.
217
00:44:10,220 --> 00:44:12,640
Good. Walk down the front of the table.
218
00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:15,820
Just bend your head a little.
219
00:44:17,140 --> 00:44:18,140
Relax.
220
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:19,820
And brace yourself.
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00:44:32,750 --> 00:44:34,150
Of course it worked. I'm not a fool, am
I?
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00:44:34,830 --> 00:44:37,170
I mean, boy, just look at that. Look at
that. Oh, yes.
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00:44:43,310 --> 00:44:45,830
Remarkable. But it didn't happen with
the girls, you see, so I gave them the
224
00:44:45,830 --> 00:44:46,830
treatment. Oh.
225
00:44:47,070 --> 00:44:50,030
Now, I suppose while you were so tall
and they couldn't see your face
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00:44:50,030 --> 00:44:52,390
distinctly, you stood rather a better
chance.
227
00:44:57,350 --> 00:44:58,350
That's funny.
228
00:45:00,110 --> 00:45:01,930
Keep it in when we do the show. Keep it
in.
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00:45:04,310 --> 00:45:07,450
Now, tell me, who was really your first
girlfriend?
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00:45:07,910 --> 00:45:13,150
Well, um, I met her on board ship. Oh,
yes. Yes, I was, yes. And, uh, I
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00:45:13,150 --> 00:45:14,250
to her. Mm -hmm. See?
232
00:45:14,790 --> 00:45:19,630
And, uh, I was on, it was a fancy dress,
it was, um, a carnival night. Oh, yes.
233
00:45:20,030 --> 00:45:21,030
And it was a fancy dress.
234
00:45:21,250 --> 00:45:22,670
Mm -hmm. And I was a fairy.
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00:45:25,210 --> 00:45:26,210
Fancy.
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00:45:28,010 --> 00:45:29,850
Your daughter's hanging by a thread, you
know that, don't you?
237
00:45:36,620 --> 00:45:37,620
It's a joke, isn't it?
238
00:45:38,060 --> 00:45:39,060
Candy, candy.
239
00:45:41,620 --> 00:45:42,479
Just once.
240
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:43,560
No, no, please, please.
241
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,200
And she was a clown.
242
00:46:41,900 --> 00:46:42,900
It's just a ship's romance.
243
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:47,080
But there's something I've been going to
ask you now for the last two weeks.
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00:46:50,260 --> 00:46:51,460
You are Maureen, aren't you?
245
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:53,140
No, I'm Valerie.
246
00:46:55,300 --> 00:46:59,300
Well, you see, what I was going to do, I
thought of settling down, you see.
247
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:05,820
And, uh... What happened to Maureen,
then?
248
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,080
Well, I don't know, Maureen. I'm
Valerie.
249
00:47:09,460 --> 00:47:10,520
Oh, well, you do.
250
00:47:13,770 --> 00:47:14,629
Not on day.
251
00:47:14,630 --> 00:47:16,170
I think it's much quieter out there.
252
00:47:16,390 --> 00:47:17,390
Yes, moment.
253
00:47:18,850 --> 00:47:19,850
I'll lead the way.
254
00:49:56,110 --> 00:49:58,990
card. Yeah. Any card you like. Yes.
Right, look at it. Yes. Chair in half.
255
00:49:59,210 --> 00:50:00,970
Yes. Quickly then. Chair in half.
256
00:50:01,330 --> 00:50:02,950
Yes. Chair it again. Yes.
257
00:50:03,350 --> 00:50:04,269
Chair it once again.
258
00:50:04,270 --> 00:50:07,190
Yes. Yes. Right, throw it in the air.
Yes. Happy New Year.
259
00:50:07,450 --> 00:50:08,450
Thank you.
260
00:50:11,270 --> 00:50:12,270
Watch it very closely.
261
00:50:54,860 --> 00:50:58,020
In tonight's program, we've created a
twist and start with a people's
262
00:50:58,020 --> 00:51:01,640
competition. It was, in fact, composed
by Bert Russell and Phil Mitt.
263
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:04,480
We apologize to the copyright owners for
this effort.
18700
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