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00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:20,180
I'm sorry, sir. I think you need a size
larger.
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It's Tommy Cooper!
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00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,340
Thank you very much. Good evening. Good
evening. Good evening. Good evening.
4
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:43,900
Good evening. Good evening. Good
evening.
5
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,100
Good evening.
6
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,000
From this empty cloth, I will now
produce four live ducks.
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00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,420
Oh! They got away again.
8
00:00:57,460 --> 00:00:59,560
See this magic wand?
9
00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:01,820
This was given to me by the Magic
Circle.
10
00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:06,500
Presented to me by the Magic... I belong
to the Magic Circle. I just joined the
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00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,500
Secret Six.
12
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,560
I have. It's so secret, I don't even
know the other five.
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00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:16,340
There's a white tip here and a white tip
there. Now, the reason for the white
14
00:01:16,340 --> 00:01:18,300
tips is to separate the ends from the
centre.
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00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:24,580
It was given to me by the Magic Circle.
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00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960
£500.
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00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:28,600
You couldn't get another one like this
in the world. Impossible.
18
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,180
And it was given to me.
19
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:32,500
Special wood.
20
00:01:33,540 --> 00:01:34,540
Really.
21
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,160
Look at the grey in that wood. Look at
it.
22
00:01:45,649 --> 00:01:48,450
Clock. Empty.
23
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,900
The idea of the trick is this. I'm going
to make the clock disappear from there
24
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,160
and reappear in here.
25
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:13,120
I
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00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:29,680
don't
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00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:30,680
know what I'm talking about.
28
00:02:33,380 --> 00:02:35,260
It's disappeared from there and makes
its way into here.
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00:02:36,580 --> 00:02:37,580
Yes, it's there.
30
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:42,080
That's where you can go back again.
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00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,060
Look at that, then.
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00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:48,680
Thank you.
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00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,080
Here's a quick joke.
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00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,180
There's a man having a barbecue in the
front garden, see?
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00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,120
And he's got the spit there like that,
and he's turning it like that, you see?
36
00:03:00,420 --> 00:03:01,420
Like that.
37
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,840
And the flames are getting higher and
higher.
38
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:04,640
And he's singing.
39
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,480
Not bad, is it?
40
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,600
And the flame's getting higher and
higher, see?
41
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,260
I'll sell them, if I will, goodbye.
42
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,560
And a drunk walks by, and he said, your
signal's all right, but your monkey's on
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00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:28,560
fire.
44
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:40,060
Now, um, this is, um, Little Studio 4,
through which
45
00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:44,020
most of the minor shows are transmitted.
Now, as you can see, we've got cameras.
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00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:49,100
and lights, and an audience, and a
complete control box over there, and
47
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:52,900
floor, liner, et cetera, and scenery.
Now, any questions, George? Excuse me.
48
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,580
What is significance of a red light on
camera?
49
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,460
Well, a red light on a camera directly
facing you means...
50
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,360
Look at that, I struck oil.
51
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,360
Do you know I had a funny dream last
night? I was eating a ten pound
52
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:03,360
marshmallow.
53
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,960
And I woke up this morning, the pillow
was gone.
54
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:14,820
There's a man, you see, this man, this
bloke, had a big nose, you know.
55
00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:16,639
He did.
56
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:17,680
It was something like that, it was.
57
00:05:21,730 --> 00:05:24,230
As a matter of fact, it was bigger than
that. It was really much bigger. It was
58
00:05:24,230 --> 00:05:25,230
more like that.
59
00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:31,530
And his wife said to him, Fred.
60
00:05:32,630 --> 00:05:34,430
And he didn't say anything. He was just
like that.
61
00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:37,230
And she said, Fred.
62
00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:39,350
And he didn't answer because his name
was Jim.
63
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:44,210
And she said, Jim.
64
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,250
She said, what?
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00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,200
why don't you go to the doctors, you
know, and see something, get something
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00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,019
about that nose?
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00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,440
She said, because, you know, it's a big
nose, isn't it?
68
00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,200
No, it was, and it was a big nose. It
was like that.
69
00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:06,220
So he said, all right. So he went to the
doctor, see, and the doctor said,
70
00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:07,520
what's the trouble? He says, it's my
nose.
71
00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,260
And the doctor said, well, I can see
it's your nose.
72
00:06:11,540 --> 00:06:12,740
He said, you said it wasn't your nose.
73
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,400
He said, possession, there's nine points
of the law.
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00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,940
If it's stuck to your face, it's yours.
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00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,940
He said, anyway, who would want a big
thing like that?
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00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:25,100
And it was big. It was like that.
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00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:34,980
And he
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00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:36,180
said, what do you mean?
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00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:41,340
He said, well, he said, I want you to
make it smaller for me, you see.
80
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:47,820
So he climbed up on the ladder, this
daughter, and he said, my goodness, he
81
00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:48,820
said, what a big nose.
82
00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:50,680
And it was big. It was like that.
83
00:06:55,940 --> 00:07:00,000
And he said, I want it smaller, you see.
84
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:03,680
I want it smaller.
85
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:06,420
He said, well, it'll cost you 500
guineas.
86
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,540
So this man said, 500 guineas?
87
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,320
Scratching his nose, he said, that's a
lot of money.
88
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,340
He said, I'll tell you what to do. He
said, the doctor said, go to the vet.
89
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,480
There's a vet on the road.
90
00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:20,350
And he only charged you 30 bob.
91
00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:22,369
That's all.
92
00:07:22,370 --> 00:07:24,350
So he went down and saw this vet. The
vet said, come in.
93
00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:27,550
He said, yes, all right. He said, I'll
give you a new nose. I'll give you a new
94
00:07:27,550 --> 00:07:28,610
one. Light it on the table.
95
00:07:28,930 --> 00:07:29,930
I'll parade the table.
96
00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:33,570
But he was a bit nearsighted. See, he
was nearsighted.
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00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:36,190
So instead of giving him a nose, he gave
him an elephant's trunk.
98
00:07:39,510 --> 00:07:40,850
And when he woke up, he was like that.
99
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,710
And he walked about a bit to get used to
it. Like that.
100
00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:57,530
And he said to his wife, he said, be
honest.
101
00:08:02,210 --> 00:08:03,210
Be honest.
102
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,010
What do you think of it? What do you
think?
103
00:08:06,550 --> 00:08:08,590
And she said, stand over there a bit. So
he went over there.
104
00:08:10,670 --> 00:08:12,190
And she said, I like it.
105
00:08:15,430 --> 00:08:16,570
I really like it.
106
00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:19,190
So they went to the cinema to celebrate.
107
00:08:21,070 --> 00:08:23,610
And they're in there watching the film.
And he's like that with his trunk, see?
108
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,520
And he starts to sniff.
109
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,420
He's like that.
110
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,740
And his wife couldn't stand it any
longer. She said, stop that sniffing.
111
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:35,580
He said, who's sniffing?
112
00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:37,159
He said, I'm picking up peanuts.
113
00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:40,679
Ah, that's it.
114
00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:50,680
Now, comrade, I am going to show you
various articles connected intimately
115
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,740
the secret mission you are about to
embark on.
116
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,520
I want you to look at them very
carefully, photograph them indelibly in
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00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,100
memory, and then destroy them. You
understand?
118
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:01,880
Good, comrade.
119
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:05,360
Here is the type of passport that your
contacts will be carrying.
120
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:08,320
Look at it very carefully.
121
00:09:09,260 --> 00:09:12,060
Photograph each page indelibly on your
memory.
122
00:09:18,260 --> 00:09:20,840
Good, comrade. Now destroy it.
123
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,190
Are you mad?
124
00:09:27,850 --> 00:09:28,850
No lights.
125
00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:31,010
They are watching our every move.
126
00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:33,810
Destroy it.
127
00:09:37,370 --> 00:09:38,370
Destroy it.
128
00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:44,350
Destroy it.
129
00:09:47,550 --> 00:09:54,450
Here is the plan of the secret airfield
that
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00:09:54,450 --> 00:09:55,450
you have to attack.
131
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,900
Not the position of machine gun posts
and security points.
132
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:00,800
Look at it very carefully.
133
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,620
Photograph it indelibly in your memory.
134
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:32,080
The X -15 rocket.
135
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:51,020
Ready?
136
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,360
Photograph each memory cell in your
mind.
137
00:11:19,950 --> 00:11:20,970
the X -15 rocket.
138
00:11:23,690 --> 00:11:24,810
Not the box!
139
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:35,390
The rocket.
140
00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:41,990
It was designed by Dr. Sigmund Freud.
141
00:11:42,190 --> 00:11:45,450
It is one of the most effective rockets
that has ever been sent into upper
142
00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:46,450
atmosphere.
143
00:11:46,910 --> 00:11:48,050
Look at it carefully.
144
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:50,760
Photograph it.
145
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,010
every piece of information?
146
00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:33,890
Now you have inwardly digested every
piece of information.
147
00:12:35,210 --> 00:12:37,070
One last instruction, comrade.
148
00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:38,710
Repeat.
149
00:12:41,570 --> 00:12:44,990
And now it's interview time. And in our
studio this evening, we have with us the
150
00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:48,730
young pretender himself, Prince Charles
Edward Stuart.
151
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,400
Welcome, Your Majesty.
152
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:54,620
Get on, boy, get on.
153
00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:56,820
Welcome, sir. Well, thank you, you're
new.
154
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,080
Thank you, you're new.
155
00:12:58,500 --> 00:12:59,960
It's nice to be here, the new.
156
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,500
We have a little chat, the new.
157
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:09,820
Have you quite finished?
158
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:11,140
Yes.
159
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,560
That's the end of the news.
160
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,960
history books. You last visited London
in 1754.
161
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,400
Yes, I did. Yes.
162
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,720
I packed all my things and I came on a
motorbike.
163
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,080
Motorbikes weren't invented then.
164
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:44,620
Yeah, I was wondering why they stared.
165
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:49,400
And I thought, it's because of my kilt.
What about the kilt? Well, I wasn't
166
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,400
wearing one.
167
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:55,640
Now, after your defeat at Culloden, your
army was in flight and you lost a lot
168
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,380
of men, didn't you? Yes, well, we
crossed the Forth Bridge. But that
169
00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,580
built. Well, I've just told you, we lost
a lot of men.
170
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,640
And you and your second -in -command
escaped into the highlands when,
171
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,700
unfortunately, he was caught by the
Sassamax.
172
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,360
Very painful. Very painful.
173
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,480
How did you manage to avoid... Sir.
174
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,260
I'm a bit lopsided here.
175
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,280
Sir, how did you manage to avoid
capture?
176
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,480
Oh, well, I had a good hiding place. A
very good hiding place. My father used
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00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,900
take me there. What for? For a good
hiding.
178
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,280
1745 must have been a very remarkable
year for you.
179
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,500
Unforgettable. Absolutely unforgettable.
180
00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:44,780
Well, tell us about it.
181
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:45,820
What?
182
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,060
About 1745.
183
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,360
It was a very memorable year for you.
What happened then? Well, you were
184
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,360
from the English.
185
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,400
Who? The English.
186
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:55,919
Oh, yes!
187
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,200
Yes, you were hiding. Yes, yes. Of
course I was, yes.
188
00:14:58,540 --> 00:14:59,780
As a matter of fact, I was in this cave.
189
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,580
Really? And all the walls were dripping.
190
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:04,640
Remarkable. Well, it's very seldom you
see a cave made of dripping.
191
00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:12,850
Well, I was there and I saw this spider
spinning a web. That was Robert the
192
00:15:12,850 --> 00:15:15,130
Bruce. Oh, right, Robert the Bruce was
spinning a web.
193
00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:20,530
To be absolutely frank, sir, your
ludicrously ill -conceived campaigns are
194
00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:23,410
without parallel in the whole history of
warfare.
195
00:15:23,810 --> 00:15:26,790
You don't mind me saying that? No, no,
no. I mean, I don't think there can ever
196
00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:31,150
have been a really worse general than
you. Now, you're not angry at me for
197
00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:32,550
saying that. Why should I get angry? Say
what you like.
198
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:39,060
To think that you could come down to
England with your rabble of Scottish
199
00:15:39,060 --> 00:15:41,080
Highlanders and beat the whole British
Army.
200
00:15:41,580 --> 00:15:44,100
Now, you're not angry. No, no, I ain't
angry. Just give me a hint.
201
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,520
No, no, why should I be angry? What are
you doing? Why should I be angry?
202
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:48,060
Why should I be angry?
203
00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:52,400
Go on, get it. Now, pass the test. I'm
taking it. Go on, get it. Get it there.
204
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:02,800
Ever since William Caxton in the 15th
century, man has benefited greatly from
205
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,100
Caxton's great accomplishment.
206
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,300
making accessible to everyone the wonder
of the printed word.
207
00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:12,140
Excuse me.
208
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:16,180
I want something to read on holiday. Can
you recommend a nice long book?
209
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,440
Certainly.
210
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:21,900
All right.
211
00:16:26,740 --> 00:16:27,920
Have you got any maps?
212
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,900
Certainly, sir. What sort of map?
213
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,760
The map of the library.
214
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,140
I can't find my way out.
215
00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:42,630
Excuse me, have you got part two on
advanced judo?
216
00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:46,530
Paper, paper, read all about it.
217
00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:48,270
Read all about it.
218
00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,630
Big robbery, read all about it.
219
00:16:58,470 --> 00:17:00,650
Excuse me, have you got a book on the
moon rocket?
220
00:17:01,050 --> 00:17:02,650
Certainly, otherwise you'll never get a
seat.
221
00:17:09,869 --> 00:17:10,409
Good morning.
222
00:17:10,410 --> 00:17:13,730
I wonder if you could recommend a good
novel. Certainly. The one I'm reading.
223
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,170
Once you pick it up, you won't be able
to put it down.
224
00:17:16,630 --> 00:17:17,630
See? Look at that.
225
00:17:20,369 --> 00:17:21,869
Uh, Miss Latour?
226
00:17:22,430 --> 00:17:23,430
Yes?
227
00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:26,290
Oh, well, this is the editor of the
Sunday Globe.
228
00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:27,910
Yes?
229
00:17:28,550 --> 00:17:31,970
Well, your true confession story is much
too sexy for our paper.
230
00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,330
Oh.
231
00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:35,710
Then you send it back.
232
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,770
Registered. No.
233
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:40,290
I'll bring it back.
234
00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:41,950
Personally.
235
00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:48,790
I'd like a book.
236
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:52,530
Certainly, sir. Any particular book? I
think it's called Under the Bridge by
237
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:53,530
Dick and Harry.
238
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:56,710
Under the... That's the Unabridged
Dictionary!
239
00:18:09,290 --> 00:18:10,290
Wonderful. Send him in.
240
00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:13,130
Come in, Longfellow.
241
00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:24,610
And now our outside broadcast cameras
take you to the romantic Middle East.
242
00:19:12,229 --> 00:19:15,650
On behalf of...
243
00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:21,650
On behalf of...
244
00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,830
On
245
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:34,790
behalf
246
00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:37,870
of...
247
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,660
On behalf of Madge's government, I
present my credentials.
248
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On behalf of
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00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:56,420
Madge's government, I present my
credentials for the negotiation of the
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00:19:56,420 --> 00:20:01,280
treaty between Sheikh El Sheikh and
Great Britain. Before we begin the
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00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:05,580
negotiations, it is the custom of our
country, the Sheikhdom of Mook Mook, to
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drink a welcoming glass in welcome.
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00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:14,300
Now, the question I would like to ask
you is this. Before we ask the question,
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00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:19,540
it is the custom of our country, the
shakedom of Mok Mok, to drink to our
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00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:24,920
and glorious friendship and to your
great and beautiful queen, Queen
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00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:26,900
Queen Victoria.
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00:20:27,340 --> 00:20:28,340
Victoria.
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00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:35,400
And not forget in Prince Albert.
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00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:54,970
Now, the question... The question I'd
like
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00:20:54,970 --> 00:20:59,010
to ask you is this. Before we ask the
questions, it is customary in our
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00:20:59,010 --> 00:21:04,690
to drink first to our beautiful,
underprivileged country, the shakedom of
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00:21:04,690 --> 00:21:05,690
Muck.
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00:21:10,550 --> 00:21:12,050
Now, the question I'd like to ask you.
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00:21:12,330 --> 00:21:14,510
Before we drink, before we ask... What
is this?
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00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:17,810
Oh. This is Zumballa.
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00:21:18,190 --> 00:21:19,290
Zumballa. Zumballa.
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00:21:20,150 --> 00:21:21,570
Zumballa. Zumballa.
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00:21:22,610 --> 00:21:24,650
Zumballa. I heard you, I heard you, I
heard you.
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00:21:25,630 --> 00:21:27,350
Zumballa. All right, all right.
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00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:32,310
Zumballa. All right, all right, all
right, all right. You got me at it now.
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00:21:33,570 --> 00:21:34,570
What's it made of?
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00:21:35,890 --> 00:21:37,170
What is it made of?
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00:21:53,399 --> 00:21:55,000
I don't mind the frogs. I like that.
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00:21:56,140 --> 00:21:59,520
Now we drink to our shit.
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00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:01,100
Long may...
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00:22:11,150 --> 00:22:12,150
may shake.
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00:22:15,030 --> 00:22:21,850
Now, the question I'd like to ask you is
this. Before we have the questions, we
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00:22:21,850 --> 00:22:22,850
drink again.
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00:22:23,210 --> 00:22:29,730
We drink to our ancestors, to our great
and glorious ancestors,
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00:22:30,010 --> 00:22:31,910
and to the union in paradise.
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00:22:35,870 --> 00:22:37,070
You've got a lot of camels.
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00:22:56,430 --> 00:22:57,430
Excellent deal.
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00:23:36,010 --> 00:23:37,010
to this question.
22029
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