All language subtitles for tommy_cooper_1970_s01e07_march_21_1970

Excuse me, old chap. Would you run me to
the station?

Certainly, sir.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the show.

And I've been asked to tell you that
this is going to be a good, clean family

show.

So if you're having a good, clean
family, out.

So now I'd like to get the show off to a
flying stop.

Here's a little trick here. Watch very,
very closely.

It's a pack of cards here like that.
Look.

I take the cellophane off like that, you
see.

Like that.

I take the cart out of the pack.

This trip starts very slowly.

Then it gradually peters out.

I slipped. I didn't know I was going to
do that. I slipped.

I slipped.

It's a brand new pack. I take one cart
from the pack like that.

I tear it in half. I tear it in a
quarter.

I tear it in...

Lots of pieces.

I'll throw it down there.

Now, I'll tell you what I've done.

I've just ruined a new pack of cars.

Oh, thank you very much.

As a matter of fact, I don't feel myself
tonight. I don't really.

And I hope you notice the improvement.

I've been feeling rough all day.

I have. This morning, I was lying in
bed.

I was lying like that.

I could have been like that. No, I was
like that. I was like that.

And I felt awful.

I really did.

I thought I passed away and nobody told
me.

And I started to read the paper like you
do and I looked on the obituary column.

I did.

And I read the whole list. And when I
saw my name wasn't there, I got up.

Did you hear that joke about the near
-sighted bank robber?

He went into the bank and he said, stick
them up.

Are they up?

There's a man that had a cat, see, and
he got knocked over by a steamroller.

And he didn't say a word.

He just stood there with a long puss.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now, I'll tell you what I've got in here
as a prediction. I've done this a

couple of times before.

There's a picture in here. Now, I want
just one person to shout out a name of a

film star.

Now, a film star.

Rin Tin Tin.

A name of a film star.

Who?

Gregory Peck.

Right, here we are.

Gregory Peck, here we are. And here's
Gregory Peck when he was three months

The other night somebody said, Sammy
Julia Davis.

Look at that.

I'm having the nose fixed and my teeth
don't work.

No, somebody shouted out, Sammy Julia
Davis.

Or Davis Julia.

I was ready for them.

Thank you.

I'm not going to drag things out
tonight. I mean that.

I'm going to go through the act very
fast.

Because I'm sick of it.

Dice, box, box, dice, dice, box, box,
dice.

Box, dice, dice, box, box, dice, dice,
box.

To hollow out to who am I? I was.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And make his way back inside here.

the doctor to be from there and make his
way over there thank

you

thank you very much do you know last
summer i

was up in scarborough for the summer
season and my wife and i and my wife

down to the beach with a topless bathing
suit

She did, and the lifeguard said, good
morning, sir.

I brought her a brand new car last week,
and she rang me up. She said, there's

water in the carburettor. I said,
where's the car? She said, in the river.

And she went to have her face lifted.

She did.

And they said it couldn't be done.

So for £10, they lowered her body.

Here's another one you may not like.
Listen to this.

What did the shepherd say when his old
dog died after being with him for 20

years?

He said, Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I am sad.

Well, you wouldn't expect him to say
anything funny, would you, when his dog

died, right?

When I was in Scarborough, when I was up
there in Scarborough, I went to a

Chinese restaurant last night.

And I said, there's a Chinese waiter. I
said, look, there's chicken I've got

here. It's cold.

He said, well, it should be. He's been
dead two weeks.

I said, can I ask you something? He
said, yes, yes, yes.

I said, tell me, are there any Chinese
Jews?

He said, I don't know. I'll go and find
out.

So he went and he came back. He said,
no, there's only apple juice, pineapple

juice and orange juice.

Chinese waiter behind the counter, see?

I said, excuse me. He said, yes.

It could have been the same one, really,
couldn't it?

I never thought he could have gone
round.

I never thought of that.

Of course he... I hope he didn't,
because I'd ticked him twice there.

I said, excuse me.

I said, no, I... Oh, I said that, yes.

Have you got frogs legs?

He said, yes.

I said, well, hop on to the counter and
get me a cheese sandwich.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I want a job.

What's your trade?

Crime.

I'm a crook.

Fingers figging.

On robbery of speciality.

Two guns, no waiting.

What about qualifications?

Yes. I have here a degree from the
Chiswick University.

There isn't a university at Chiswick.

There is if you're a forger.

Very good, very good.

Well, you know, this is a very bad time
of year, I'm afraid, for crime.

The best I can offer you is just one
burglary. It's a local job, 1045

84 Kings Avenue.

It's quite a small window, but it's an
opening, isn't it?

Now, I don't like working nights, you
see. I've got a bad chest.

And another thing. What's that?

I live at 84 Kings Avenue.

Well, I mean, if you're going to be
choosy, that's just what's wrong with

fellas. You want a job, you come here,
we offer you one, and then you turn it

down. Well, that's all there is. You
just take it or leave it. Well, there's

nothing else.

Hand over the dough money.

It's nice to be working again.

Tommy Cooper as King Arthur.

The last Excalibur.

Let go. Go on, let go.

Let go, you fool. Let go.

Let go, go on, let go.

Now it's interview time, and in our
studio this evening we have that great

general, that intrepid soldier and
statesman, the Duke of Wellington.

Wellington's. It's a funny joke of my
time.

Of course, sir, your most stunning
success was the Battle of Waterloo.

No doubt your memories of that opening
charge are very vivid, Your Grace.

Can you remember who was the first to
fall?

Yes, me. I took over as first.

But it wasn't long after that, was it,
that you caught Napoleon's platoons in a

pincer movement?

Correct.

And he was never the same after that.

I understand you first made your name in
India.

Yes, that's true.

And there's something else that will
surprise you. Oh, really? What's that?

Boo!

Yes,

indeed.

It was in 1808, wasn't it, that you were
sent to Portugal, where you won the

Battle of...

Yes, yes.

As a matter of fact, I was right in
there where the battle was thickest. I

And what were you doing? Looking for
where it was thinnest.

Is it true that after the Battle of
Vignero, you personally ran up the Union

Jack? No, no, no. I was too tired. I
walked up.

Is it true that in 1809, you were
wounded at the Battle of Talavera?

Yes.

I was very brave in that battle. I see.
Because the French threw everything at

us. I see. And I just stuck up my
tongue.

And where were you wounded?

In the tongue.

To return to your most formidable
opponent, what do you consider to be

Napoleon's greatest asset?

Josephine.

Well, let me rephrase that question.

As a soldier, what do you think made
Napoleon the man he was?

Josephine.

Of course, the history books tell us
that after the Battle of Waterloo, the

threw no less than three banquets in
your honour.

Quite correct. One in my honour, one in
my face, and I ducked a third one.

Well, now, to sum up, Your Grace...
Pardon?

Your Grace.

For what we're about to receive.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I
was getting a little bit peckish.

I see.

To sum up, I believe you have brought
with you a souvenir of your most famous

victory, in fact, of the Battle of
Waterloo. Yes, I did. Something, in

actually used at Waterloo. Yes, I've got
it right here.

This is it.

The train in number six platform is the
645 that says Andrew.

Tommy Cooper as Sherlock Holmes.

Hello.

This is Dr. Watson, faithful friend and
companion to Sherlock Holmes, master

detective and criminologist
extraordinary.

What's that?

You've been arrested for beating up six
policemen and throwing a keg of beer

through the pub window.

Don't worry, we'll take the case.

Goodbye, Mother.

Ah, you must be Dr. Watson, faithful
friend and companion to Sherlock Holmes.

No, we've done that bit.

I'm afraid Sherlock isn't Holmes at the
moment.

He's out buying some new disguises.
Would you care to be seated?

No, no, no, I'd rather stand behind that
screen.

What?

surprise you, Watson. Good heavens,
Holmes, what an amazing disguise.

You fooled me completely.

I know, I know. You know the old
newspaper man on the corner? Yes. I

completely, too. What do you mean?

We're engaged.

Anything happen since I've been away?
Yes. A man came through that door,

staggered over to the fireplace, and
fell like a stone to the carpet.

Who was it? Me. I was drunk.

Watson. Yes, Holmes? Sherlock does the
funniest.

A bit of deduction, Watson. There's
someone at the door.

Amazing, Holmes.

Mr. Holmes, I need your assistance.

Too late. I've spent it.

What can we do for you, my dear? I need
protection.

You've come to the right place. I need
someone to talk to. You've come to the

right place. It could be very dangerous.

Try next door.

You seem very upset, my dear.

Why don't you sit down and have a cup of
tea? Oh, thank you.

I like a nice cup of tea. In the
morning, I like a nice cup of tea with

And a quarter past eleven, well, my idea
of heaven is... All right, all right,

all right.

Very good, isn't it?

I hate him.

Shall I be mother? Yes.

It's a bit messy, but I'm on my own.

What can we do for you, my dear?

It's about my father's will. He had a
stipulation inserted in his bequest.

Oh, dear, dear.

Poor devil.

And then, only last week, my father was
knocked down by a cab.

Handsome? Yes, Blue Eyes?

Quiet.

Go on, my dear.

We found him there, lying in the street.

Unconscious? Yes, Drewby Draws.

If I die before I'm 21, my Uncle Hugo
gets all my father's money. This

someone put broken glass in my
cornflakes. Broken glass in your

us more.

She can't. It's a cereal.

Who could be doing this? Can you help
me? Don't worry, my dear. We'll help

You will?

ever thank you.

What a way to be struck off the
register.

A dicky bird.

I beg your pardon?

A dicky bird. Why did you say that?

Because I haven't said a dicky bird for
ages.

Don't worry, I'll tell you what we'll
do. We'll follow you in disguise.

Have you seen our disguises? I know.

What? Yes.

I don't understand.

Well, he was me and I was him.

Brilliant.

I think my Uncle Hugo may have followed
me here. He, too, is a master of

disguise.

Holmes, a piece of deduction.

They're coming at the door.

I should have said that, didn't I?

Thank you very much. Would you mind
sitting in the audience?

Holmes! There's a killer at the door. Do
something.

I am what?

Shake it like a league.

Mr. Holmes, we must do something.

Holmes, somebody must go out there and
face that killer. You're quite right.

Don't be long.

Holmes, how can you be such an
unspeakable coward?

Practice.

glass. Oh, here it is.

My, that's amazing.

What? Well, it makes everything larger,
though, when you do that.

What does it say?

It says... Yeah.

I'll decode it.

So, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, so -called
master detective, let us see if you can

solve this one.

P .S. Please return the knife. It's part
of a set.

Who did this to you, my dear? Who was
it? Tell us. Who was it? Who stabbed

Answer me.

Will you answer me?

How can she? She's dead. That's no
excuse for rudeness.

He's quite right. He's quite right.

Why doesn't this cause for a little bit
of concentration?

Ah, the very thing, Holmes.

You're Stradivarius.

That's right. He looks like a violin.

What do you expect for 15 nicker, Jack
Benny?

Good night, Holmes.

And you too, Johnson.

Very funny.

The killer's trying to break into the
room.

Right, we'll have to barricade the door.
He's out of the desk.

It's no good, Holmes. It's too heavy.
Right, we'll take out the drawers.

I don't know why we're bothering.
There's nobody else in the sketch.

See if the bedroom window is properly
barred. Right you are, Watson.

Good old Watson, dear friend.

Fightful friend.

Never again.

And now to work.

Well, I got that case wrapped up.

Mr Sherlock Holmes, we meet at last.

You go chatter it at your service and
don't try and call for Dr Watson.

Why? I'm playing both parts.

You're getting too many laughs.

You swine. I say that to your face.

You're guilty of murder.

Murder is an ugly word.

It's an ugly face.

Look behind you.

He's doing the laugh now. He's doing the
laugh.

Put the face on.

What? Look behind you. Oh, you can't
fool me with that, Holmes. That's a very

old trick.

Is it really?

If that's an old trick, what do you
think of this one?

Look at this here.

Box. Empty box.

Yes.

I'll place and sell the box like that.

I'll close the box.

That's very good.

Is it? Yes.

Yes? Yes.

Right. Whose turn is it? Yours.

Show me another trick.

Show you another trick? Yes.

Oh, I'll show you another trick. All
right.

I'm going to borrow it. Yes.

It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

Can I borrow a gun? Ah, there we are.
Oh, thank you. Oh, you swine.

You've triumphed again.

You dirty sticking rat.

You sticking rat.

Did I...

I got it all worked out.

Yes, I have.

And I'm never wrong.

You murdered a brother, you killed the
lady, the girl for money.

And I'm never wrong.

But I'm not even dead.

I told you I'm never wrong.

You're not even human, sir, but you
won't take me alive.

the body's walking out that is the case
of the disappearance

So don't forget, ladies and gentlemen,
to look in next week.

Get off!

Look again next week now to the spine
-chilling story in which I come face -to

-face with the Who's terrifying hound of
the basketball.

So here he is now, the Who's terrifying
hound of the basketball.