All language subtitles for tommy_cooper_1970_s01e01_february_7_1970

Oh, hello.

Now, don't forget, always insist on
Bronson soap.

The only soap for Eskimos.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, so much for the ad libs.

For me?

Oh, you should have done it.

Oh, thank you very much.

Look at that.

Isn't that nice?

Here's a little trick that I'd like to
show you.

Watch very, very closely. Three pieces
of rope.

Like that.

Do I feel good tonight?

I really do.

There's nothing like a cold bath, is
there? Filled with hot water.

I've just had the soup pressed.

I've forgotten to take your bottle out.
Look at that.

Did I go up this morning at 8 o 'clock?
Went down to the corner supermarket.

Bought three corners.

A lot of people don't know this, but I
used to work in an ironmonger shop.

It's true, many years ago, I got four
pounds a week and all the nuts and bolts

could eat.

I shall never forget, my father said to
me, he said, before I went into show

business, he said, if you go into show
business and disgrace the family, I

disown you.

I won't leave you any money at all.

And I said, I don't care, dada.

I did.

Dada.

So, he tried to bribe me, you know, he
bought me yachts, motor cars, airplanes,

a gold -studded yo -yo.

And I said, Dada.

I said, I don't want these material
things. I want love and affection.

So he got me a blonde.

I described it to her. She was like,
Sophie Lorraine.

Elizabeth Taylor and Diana Dawes all
rode in as one.

She was that big and fat.

When you walk down the street, you
didn't walk with her, you walked among

She crossed the street one day and a
lorry hit her. And I said to the driver,

what's the matter, are you blind?

Why don't you go round her?

He said, I didn't have enough petrol.

I went into a barber shop yesterday. I
said, how much a haircut? He said, seven

or six.

I said, how much a shave? He said, two
bob. I said, shave my head.

He said, after I've finished shaving,
what do you want on your face?

I said, leave the nose.

And I was sitting down in the chair, you
know, just like that, see?

And I happened to glance with the left
eye on the floor.

It wasn't around like that. It was just
like that.

And I couldn't believe it. Right there
on the floor beside me was an ear.

An ear.

So I said, whose ear is that then?

He said, well, put your finger up. It's
still warm as yours.

They deserve me.

Three pieces of rope like this.

This is my wife's favourite trick.

She loves this. I can see my wife now, I
always remember this, on top of a hill,

and the wind blowing her hair.

And she's too proud to chase it.

I got home the other night and my wife
was crying. I said, what are you crying

for?

Just like that, what are you crying for?
She said, well, you know that steak and

kidney pie I made for you? I said, yes.

She said, well, the dog ate it.

I said, don't worry, I'll get you
another dog.

I'd like to introduce you now to the
guest star of the show, Mr. Ted Ray.

Tell him.

You're as good as ever, mate. I was just
passing by. I thought, I knew you were

working here.

I thought, I'd go in and see my old
friend Tommy Cooper.

And Tommy, I would like you, as I'm
here, I love your magic.

Some wonderful tricks. I'll do one for
you. Just for me. Just for you. Yeah.

Bottle glass?

Yeah.

Right? Great.

Here's the bottle. There's the glass.
The bottle will now change place!

No.

For the glass.

Yes? The bottle's now changed place for
the glass. How do you know?

The typical part is to let it go back
again. Yeah? What?

Oh, no. Oh!

No, you can't go down there. No, no, no.

You can't. Yeah.

How's that?

My agent

is sitting over there. I'd like you to
just have a look over there and see my

agent because he loves magic.

Would you do the same trick for him?

No, I'd do the rope trick instead. I
don't want to know about the rope trick.

He'd like to see the bottle and glass
trick. Yeah? Yeah.

You want me to do it again? You can't do
it again.

I can't? You can't do it again. I bet
you can't do it again. I bet I can. I

you can't do it again. I bet I can. I
bet you apparently can't do it again.

Now, I'll show you this trick over here.
I'll bet you a pound you can't do it

again. I'll show you this trick. A mean
skinflint, isn't he?

Who's mean?

Eh? You heard that? Of course I heard
that. I'll bet you a pound you can't do

again. Here we are.

Here's the glass, right? Yes.

Now you go... It's back again there like
that. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

How's that then?

The invention of our time.

The wheel.

What would mankind do without the simple
but vital invention, the wheel?

An invention which first began literally
ages ago, shortly after the dawn of

time.

Oi, oi.

Look what I made out. What is it?

The first...

as an aid to propulsion.

This happened in a cave in a part of the
world now known as Edinburgh.

If I can only sell this to some fool of
a Sassenach tourist, I'll buy you a new

saber -toothed tiger coat.

Well, what's your invention called?

I don't rightly know, but it's funny.

Good morning.

Oh. I'm your next -door neighbour.

What's that?

Oh, that's a new invention of mine.

What do you call it?

Wheel. A wheel?

That's just what I wanted.

I'll be able to ride it much better now.

Only £125?

That's right, sir, £125.

Sure, that's cheap.

Yes. I'll take it.

Oh, good.

Will the cheque be all right? Yes,
that'll be quite all right. Thank you

much. It's cheap, isn't it? Well, I
think it's very good value, sir. I think

is at all.

£125.

£125. Here we are.

That's very nice. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, sir. Yes, that's

right.

Will you have it delivered, sir, or
would you prefer to take it with you?

I'll take it with me. Right you are,
sir.

There you are.

Another form of wheel

which has been with us for countless
centuries is the potter's wheel.

It was on...

One of these crude wheels that an early
inventor first created, the flower pot.

Just what I wanted.

So much for the wheel.

At this point, we would like to
apologise to people living in East

We're sorry you're living in East
Anglia.

And now stand by for another special
announcement.

Oh, hello there.

Now here's a message to all the Eskimos
in Iceland.

Wrap up.

And now over to a certain restaurant in
Finsbury Park.

May I join you?

Oh, yes, go on. Thank you.

Yes, sir. Have you got a room for a
night?

Now it's interview time, and in our
studio this evening we have that famous

African explorer and missionary, Dr.

Livingstone.

Do you like it? Yes.

It's a bush hat.

Well, well, well. Dr.

Livingstone, I presume.

I wish you wouldn't say that.

Everybody says that. Dr. Livingstone, I
presume.

I'm sick of it.

Besides, Stanley never said that. Well,
if he didn't say that when he met you in

the African jungle, what did he say? He
said, you're a lobby lad and I claim the

three drinks vouchers.

What on earth did he say that for?

Well, he was potty.

The last time I saw him was in Egypt.
Oh, what was he doing?

Well, he was throwing sticks out into
the desert and he was trying to get the

sphinx to fetch him.

Yes, of course, you're the... always be
remembered, won't you, as the man who

discovered the Victoria Falls and Lake
Victoria. Oh, no, no, it's not quite

correct. I rode over Lake Victoria. Yes.
And then I discovered the falls.

And you called them the Victoria Falls.

Not at the time I did. I told you what I
called them. Yes, and what did you do

after you made this famous double
discovery?

Well, I pushed farther into the jungle.

And poor old dad, he didn't want to go.

describe as your most unnerving
experience in Central Africa?

When I found a rhinoceros in bed with
me.

Well, how on earth did a rhinoceros
manage to get into your tent without you

hearing it?

Well, he tiptoed.

And so I took out my rifle and I shot
him.

I see, and I suppose that rhino was the
biggest game you ever encountered in

Africa. No, no, no. It was about a year
later I found my biggest game. What was

that? A 75 -foot dartboard.

On that safari, that's why I caught a
native. He stole my pith helmet.

He stole your pith helmet? Well, what
did you do?

I shot him with my pith toe.

Talking about Stanley, what is your
fondest memory of him?

Ah, well, when we went lion hunting.

And I taught him the native method of
how to put the bait in the hole.

So when the line went in, he was
trapped.

See, Stanley must have been impressed.

Oh, he was.

He was the bait.

And was this the last time you ever
heard of Stanley? No, no, no, no. I got

letter from him. Oh, good.

Would you like to hear? Oh, we'd love to
hear that, yes.

It's a dear liverstone.

That's me. Yes.

I'm out here in the Congo jungle.

I've been eating bananas and oranges all
day long.

And coconuts.

Lovely and hot.

And I'm surrounded by the head
shrinkers.

They can shrink a head to the size of a
small orange.

P .S.

If you get me a bowl of hats size one
and a half, send it over.

Dr.

Linton, I believe you've brought with
you some souvenirs of Africa.

Oh, yes, I have. I have, yes, I have.

I've got them right here. Ah, good.

There we are, look.

Here's...

Of a very famous witch doctor. I see.
Yes.

And here's the skull of the same witch
doctor when he was a boy.

And what's in here?

Oh, there.

Well, it's funny. It's the kind of a...
It's a mongoose.

Yes. It should be out in a minute. It's
not going to... It's a bit dangerous,

you see.

I'll tell you a little secret, ladies
and gentlemen. Ever since I've been in

show business, I've always had the
ambition to play the part of the famous

Scarlet Pimpernel.

I'm very happy to tell you tonight that
we've just received a completely new

adaptation of this famous story, and
tonight, the Scarlet Pimpernel will be

played by Tommy Cooper.

And I think it's rotten.

Honestly, I think it's rotten.

Rotten!

The woods are full of them.

I am the Scarlet Pimpernel. They seek me
here, they seek me there. I owe them

money everywhere.

I'll never recite the same poem
backwards.

I'm the Scarlet Pimpernel.

They seek me here, they seek me there. I
owe them money everywhere.

And where the devil is Sir Henry Fuchs?

He's late.

What time is it? Look at that. It's
stopped.

No wonder. It's too much sand.

How dare you!

Anyway, who are you?

It is I, Sir Andrew Fuchs, your
confederate, disguised as a French

Oh, I like your rags.

New, aren't they?

Anyway, you're late.

Yes, I'm sorry, Sir Percy. I've been to
see Yvette.

What's the matter? You got the stamper?

I must tell you something.

Something has just come through the
grapevine. What was that?

A bunch of grapes.

I'll tell you this. I know this for a
fact, that the Queen is going to be

executed in the yard.

No. Yes. I left wet in the Boy Scouts'
hat.

But how are you going to rescue her?

I've got a plan.

A plan.

See this cake? Yes.

I'm going to send this to the Bastille.

What's in it? I'll tell you what's in
it. Sugar, eggs and flour.

Self -raising flour.

Sir Percy, I must leave you.

Why? Here comes Citizen Chauvelin.

So there you are.

Yes. Ah.

Sir Percy Blakeney.

Citizen Chauvel. I'm Mr Chauvel.

You can call a spade a spade. Tap me,
Trimble, Clip McCodfess, Parami,

and I apologize.

Why? Well, I may have said something
dirty.

Anyway, stand up. You are standing. Of
course.

Right. How are you? You working? Well,
in my capacity as the chief of the

Republic police, I am searching for a
mysterious Englishman who calls himself

the Scarlet Pimponel and who has been
bedeviling the whole of France by

snatching away the aristocrats from the
eager jaws of Madame Guillotine.

Well, that's a plot. Let's get back to
the jokes.

All right. What brings you here, Sir
Percy, to France?

To buy a new suit. Yes?

I think the clothes are wonderful here
in Paris.

Ah, jamais Paris.

Never say Paris.

Toujours, always say Paris.

Ah, Paris.

Paris.

What kind of material is your suit going
to be?

Harry Tweed.

If those are the jokes, let's get back
to the plot.

Jacques Chauvelin have a trap for the
Pimpernel.

I call it my Jacques trap.

Can I count on your support?

Look,

I'm going to have a big party.

Yes, a big party. And I would like you
and Lady Blakeney to come. I am going to

throw a ball.

Who's better?

No, no, no. It's impossible. You can't
come. Why not? Why not? Why not? Why

Why not? Why not? I'll tell you why not.
Why not? Why not?

Because I have to arrest the Queen from
the Bastille.

Oh!

Ah.

That is where you made your mistake.

I know, I know. I have had you under
surveillance all the time. Of course,

are the one.

You left your fingerprints in the
plaster of Vendôme.

I did? Yes.

So that's where they are. I've been
looking for them all over the place. Why

should I stand here and listen to all
this? Besides, I'm going to arrest you

the name of France. No, just a moment. I
told you, look.

Hold your hand out.

Cards. Right? Yes.

One, two.

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14,
15 cards.

Correct. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
11, 12, 13, 14, 15 cards there.

Correct. All different cards. Yes,
that's right.

Now, I tell you what I'm going to do.
What? I'll take these 15 cards here and

place them inside your pocket. Yes,
inside my pocket. Yes, and I'll place

15 cards in there. Yes.

And now I'm going to make three cards
jump from this pocket to your pocket.

That's impossible.

I am still not... Did you hear that?
Nothing.

Did it? Yes.

I'm sorry. I felt that.

I didn't start it. Oh, it hurt. Right,
OK. Good night. I've done it. That's

good. Yes. Right. Now watch this very,
very closely.

I had 15, right? 15 guns. Right.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

Brilliant. See how many you've got now?

Certainly. Hold out your hand.

1,

2, 3, 4, 5.

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen,

sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen,
twenty, twenty -one, twenty -two, twenty

-three, twenty -five,

twenty -six.

Percy! What? Citizen Chauvelin's men are
coming to arrest you. You must leave

France immediately.

I've packed your case.

I shall go in disguise.

I can be anybody.

An admiral.

Rear admiral.

Kept those elephants off the street.

701, 702, 703, 704.

Have you seen Roger Moore anywhere?

And now it's time for Other People's
Jobs, a programme designed to help young

people make up their minds about their
future careers.

Tonight we say, so you want to be in the
police?

escape criminal.

Have you seen a man answering to the
description of the mad stuffer and

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So what's the matter? My wife wants to
throw herself out the bedroom window.

She does?

Yes, and I can't open the window.

All right, Hoskins. Now, don't you
forget.

When you see the escaped convict, sing
out.

There.

Oh, remember that accidents happen
anywhere, anytime.

So mind...