All language subtitles for the_two_ronnies_s04e06

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,400 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,680 in a packed programme tonight, we shall find out what it's like to act as a 3 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:36,680 stand -in for Raquel Welch in a special interview with Jule Brunner and Telly 4 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,680 Savalas. 5 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:45,560 Then we'll hear the band of the royal cross -eyed goons who play the dance of 6 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,740 the sugarplum sailor, followed by what shall we do with the drunken fairy. 7 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:55,780 And we'll even be talking to a man who crossed a food mixer with a nymphomaniac 8 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:58,020 with a lisp and got a girl who'll whisk anything. 9 00:01:02,260 --> 00:01:06,200 But first, first the news. 10 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:12,260 Uganda. At the state dinner to welcome the German delegation today, General 11 00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:17,040 Armin ate a hamburger, two frankfurters and three young men from Heidelberg. 12 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:22,620 The government have at last announced their plans for shortening the dole 13 00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:25,000 queues. They're asking the men to stand closer together. 14 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:32,280 Despite the strike of car delivery drivers at British Leyland, the 15 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,820 car rolled off the assembly lines at four o 'clock today and fell onto a heap 16 00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,160 999 other cars. 17 00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:43,800 Go on, clap if you want to. 18 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:56,160 In the surgical ward of a London hospital today, a man complained that he 19 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,560 given the kidney of a giraffe and the liver of a female baboon. 20 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,860 And for afters, he had prunes and custard. 21 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:13,520 The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a life 22 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,620 peerage. He'll be known as Lord of the Flies. 23 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,800 And now... And now a sketch. 24 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:27,260 about two workers in a ball -bearing factory in which I play a man who loses 25 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:28,000 bearings... 26 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:36,860 and 27 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:40,580 I play a man... who 28 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:44,520 loses his temper. 29 00:02:58,370 --> 00:02:59,490 Yes. Well, 30 00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:04,170 we'd like a meal, please. 31 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:06,970 Two, is it? 32 00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:09,390 Yes, yes. 33 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:10,990 Have you booked? 34 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:43,780 Could we have a look at the menu, please? 35 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,700 I'm a bleeding man, you know. 36 00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:54,320 Nice fork. 37 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,120 Oh, look. 38 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,960 The menu's shaped like a rook. 39 00:03:58,760 --> 00:03:59,960 It's the name of the restaurant, isn't it? 40 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,200 Complete Rook. 41 00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:07,720 Now, it's written sort of all different, isn't it? I don't know. 42 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,220 Sorry, 43 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,500 I'm talking to my friend. 44 00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:13,590 Now, look. 45 00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:16,310 There's rook patty here. 46 00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,670 Rook patty. Do you recommend the rook patty? 47 00:04:20,230 --> 00:04:21,709 Only when we've got a lot we want to get rid of. 48 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:26,710 Well, it's honest, at least. 49 00:04:28,090 --> 00:04:29,170 What about soup of the day? 50 00:04:29,690 --> 00:04:31,330 What is the soup of the day? Rook soup. 51 00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:37,270 I expect it. I expect it's nicer than it sounds. 52 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:39,330 Bleeding, isn't it? 53 00:04:42,670 --> 00:04:43,670 It sounds. 54 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,370 Have you ever had camel's liver marinated in rain for five days and then 55 00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,350 strained to a balaclava helmet by a pregnant yak? 56 00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,030 Yes, I think we had that in Morocco, didn't we? 57 00:04:54,570 --> 00:04:57,710 Surely not, darling. I'm not being serious. We didn't have it in Morocco. 58 00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:58,990 It was Tunis, wasn't it? 59 00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:03,770 No, no. No, tell me, why do you ask? Well, a rook suit's worse than that. 60 00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,850 Why did you recommend it? Well, it's going off. 61 00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:09,630 Beating freezes on the blink again. 62 00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:16,610 Look. I think the best idea is going to be to choose the main course, you know, 63 00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:19,170 and then sort of build round it. Yes, good idea. 64 00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:20,970 You know, then you know where you are. 65 00:05:21,330 --> 00:05:23,290 Because you find that, um... 66 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:35,850 There's, 67 00:05:35,850 --> 00:05:41,470 um... You see, there's, um... There's roast root. 68 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:42,760 Braised Rook. 69 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:43,960 Skinned Rook. 70 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:45,900 Stuffed Rook. What is this? 71 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,880 Drakonai Buiyara Moja Toulouse. Ford Rook. 72 00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:57,300 Doesn't seem to be the sort of restaurant to come to if you don't like 73 00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:00,880 Not the sort of restaurant to come to if you do like Rook. 74 00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:04,220 Why is that? 75 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,220 We serve bloody awful tough old Rooks, that's why. 76 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:09,000 Full of lead shot, break your teeth on them terribly. 77 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,100 the chef has a magic touch with them. 78 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,140 Magic touch? Magic touch? What, a chef? 79 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,360 Don't make me laugh. 80 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,800 Too much of that. He's riffraff, he is. Too much of that. Too much of that. 81 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,040 Rubbish. 82 00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,100 I'm the only bloke that keeps the tone displays up. 83 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,660 Tell me, what is this? This fascinates me. Que de cornai nantua? 84 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,200 That's two rooks' tails stuffed in a shrimp sauce. 85 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,620 You must admit you haven't got a very varied menu. 86 00:06:40,410 --> 00:06:41,670 Nothing to crow over. 87 00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:50,230 I'm awfully sorry, but I read in the Reader's Diary, there's an article on 88 00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:52,230 to relieve tense situations with humour. 89 00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:53,750 Why don't you try it? 90 00:06:55,270 --> 00:06:56,610 You're going to make your own minds up, aren't you? 91 00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:58,290 I've got a lot of people waiting to serve you. 92 00:06:58,690 --> 00:07:03,690 Why don't we start with the sweet and work backwards? That's better, I think. 93 00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:06,210 Now, look, we've got ice cream there and ice cream there. Tell me, what kind of 94 00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:07,189 ice cream is this? 95 00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:08,190 Rup and raspberry ripple. 96 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,260 I'm going to, I'm going to plump myself for the Rook cocktail, followed by roast 97 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:19,280 Rook with the Rook meringue. 98 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,560 So will I. Without reading time at all. 99 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:29,160 We could just walk out. Oh, I don't like doing that. It's a complete Rook. Well, 100 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,420 the name of the restaurant told us that. We can't sue them under the trade 101 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,520 description act. I mean, it's, we can't. 102 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:35,920 Sorry, Rook's off. 103 00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:39,580 What? Rook's off. 104 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,620 Oh, right, we'll go somewhere else. Thank you very much for all the trouble. 105 00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:45,600 We've already popped another little Chinese down the river. We've got a bit 106 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,840 stewed tortoise left, if you want to... Stewed tortoise? Well, why didn't you 107 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,280 say? We'll have stewed tortoise for two, lovely. 108 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:55,960 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! 109 00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:57,220 Two dinners. 110 00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,960 Good evening, hello, Scotch way, and up your haggis. 111 00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:18,280 I'm Scottish, by the way. 112 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:23,020 My name is Wee Willie McGobbles of the Clan McGobbles. 113 00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:28,220 My grandfather was the McGobbles of McGobbles, especially after the 114 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:35,900 Now, I am the president of the Institute of Scottish Tourism, or PIST. 115 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,700 get to Bonny, Scotland? 116 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,360 Well, let's just take a wee look at the map here. 117 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,360 There you are, you see. 118 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:55,500 First is the old -fashioned scenic route over the braes of Altnysporran by way 119 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,780 of the quilter's kilt, the cows' boots, the piles of coot and the quarts of 120 00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:00,780 milk. 121 00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:07,280 The inner sculty, where old Angus MacFongus can be found, clashing his 122 00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,720 tossing his caper and cocking his leekie. 123 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,820 at the Elephant and Haggis Inn with Inverness Leal and others of that ilk. 124 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:21,140 He will row your cross in his Gaelic skiff for the price of a packet of 125 00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:23,540 cigarettes, £5 .73p. 126 00:09:25,010 --> 00:09:27,230 Smokes balkan sobrani and buys them by the gross. 127 00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:32,210 You'll be wanting to take the road to the isles. Now you go up by Bannockburn, 128 00:09:32,470 --> 00:09:38,090 where in 1314 the patriot Robert the Bruce and his gallant clans routed the 129 00:09:38,090 --> 00:09:41,830 treacherous, lecherous English rabble who were sent to pillage our native 130 00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:44,730 homelands, the illiterate, drunken, murderous thugs. 131 00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,830 You sure have a warm welcome there. 132 00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:56,750 You're going to visit the Bannockburn? burn in, where you can stand with your 133 00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:58,590 back to the fire and get your bannocks burned. 134 00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:05,590 You drive on past the modern fields of Flodden to the sodden field of Culloden. 135 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,530 You'll find a souvenir shop you can buy Dr. 136 00:10:08,730 --> 00:10:13,430 Hamish Kinley's book of Scottish portraits, known as Dr. Kinley's 137 00:10:14,410 --> 00:10:18,270 There's the great Scottish chef Macaroni, who invented McTurtle soup. 138 00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:20,470 There's the Celtic murderer Jock the Ripper. 139 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,560 And the famous fisherman Jock the Kipper. 140 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,480 And the smallest Scotsman that ever lived, Jock the Nipper. 141 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:29,620 Also the inventor of dentistry, Phil McCavity. 142 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,420 And that enigmatic lady from Dumfries, the Mona MacLisa. 143 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:43,720 Now, on the road to the Isles, if you drive round this 40 -mile -long stag's 144 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:44,740 block in the road here... 145 00:10:45,150 --> 00:10:49,210 You can visit the birthplace of lovely Flora MacDonald, the flower of the 146 00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:53,430 Hebrides, and the even lovelier Flora MacDougall, the self -raising flower. 147 00:10:55,550 --> 00:10:58,610 So if you're looking for a tartan trousers, she's one. 148 00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:08,330 I must warn you that once in a while, you will meet hostility from the 149 00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,110 natives. Just because you're English blackheads. 150 00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:14,850 Over seven centuries of care, nothing but Scotland has now plundered our 151 00:11:14,850 --> 00:11:18,490 Scottish oil, leaving us moggish as a kilt guard around the English. 152 00:11:18,790 --> 00:11:21,710 May they fester with boils in the nethermost regions of hell. 153 00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:26,030 You'll never see Scotland in the World Cup after the bloody Sassanacs didn't 154 00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:27,030 even reach the last 60. 155 00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:35,830 Occasionally, when you ask for a wee dram of whisky, you may get given a 156 00:11:35,830 --> 00:11:40,210 of Rory MacDonald's Revenge, which is one part of rancid haggis. 157 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,500 One part of distilled ptarmigan, which begins with a P, and you'd be advised to 158 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,500 do the same. 159 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:54,780 Finally, one part of stagnant bog water, strained in the tross box, which is 160 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:55,780 sorely painful. 161 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,700 And you may be asked to drink the health of the great Piper McGroon, who was 162 00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:02,260 immortalised by the Jewish poet, Rabbi Burns. 163 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,400 Oh, shlick it to Piper McGroon. 164 00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,180 We're here for the... 165 00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:13,440 the scar of his pipe and the swell of his kilt, and the smell of his breath 166 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,440 knocks you down. 167 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,360 Well, that's Scotland for the new, the new, the new, the new. 168 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,060 And that is the end of the news. 169 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,940 Next week, my colleague, Evan Up, Seven Up Jenkins of Wales, will tell you how 170 00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:29,880 the filthy English in Venus plundered and ravished this fair native sod, took 171 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:34,060 the women from his homestead, the cattle from his farmstead, and the knobs off 172 00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,060 his bedstead. 173 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,420 The filthy Saturdays, yeah. 174 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:03,640 What are you doing the rest of 175 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,320 your life? 176 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:13,880 North and south and east and west of your life. 177 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:42,820 All the seasons and the times of your days 178 00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:47,980 All the nickels and the 179 00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:52,220 dimes of your days 180 00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:25,750 Take a kiss. 181 00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:57,470 The sordid affair of the clumsy drug which had led our two ill -fated 182 00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:59,830 to Marseilles was drawing to a close. 183 00:17:00,390 --> 00:17:07,349 The villains, one dead and one half -dead, were no 184 00:17:07,349 --> 00:17:08,349 longer a problem. 185 00:17:08,710 --> 00:17:13,170 All that remained now was to get hold of the formula. A difficult, dangerous, 186 00:17:13,329 --> 00:17:18,050 but not unpleasant task, bearing in mind that it was written on a pair of 187 00:17:18,050 --> 00:17:20,510 panties worn by the woman in the car ahead of them. 188 00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:25,810 Piggy was already bearing it in mind as they gave chase. 189 00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:14,610 What do you mean, you got her? I got her. 190 00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:16,170 Look, here they are. 191 00:21:16,990 --> 00:21:17,990 There's the formula. 192 00:21:19,350 --> 00:21:25,810 Then who... I'm terribly sorry, miss. 193 00:21:26,530 --> 00:21:28,970 You see, I was looking for the formula. 194 00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:30,189 Oh, la, la. 195 00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:33,510 I haven't fought like that since the office party. 196 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,820 His face kicked in. Where is she now then, locked in? 197 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:56,640 No need. 198 00:21:57,460 --> 00:21:58,460 Poor kid. 199 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,400 She never stood a chance. 200 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:02,800 Why, what happened? 201 00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:04,760 She hit me with a pillow and it burst. 202 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,000 The whole room was filled with feathers. 203 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:09,020 Feathers floating about everywhere. 204 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:10,560 What do you mean? 205 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,040 She was tickled to death. 206 00:22:22,990 --> 00:22:27,610 behind them the sleepless nightmare of the past few days, our heroes returned 207 00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:33,130 London where a new chief of MI6, accompanied by the ever -faithful Miss 208 00:22:33,230 --> 00:22:34,770 waited to greet them. 209 00:22:35,450 --> 00:22:36,530 They're back, sir. 210 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:37,850 I'll show them in. 211 00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:45,050 Oh, how do you do? P .G. Malone. 212 00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:46,570 Charles Farley. 213 00:22:46,730 --> 00:22:48,070 Ah. Hmm? 214 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:49,449 I'm R. 215 00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:50,810 Oh? Where's Q? 216 00:22:52,430 --> 00:22:53,229 We've gone sick. 217 00:22:53,230 --> 00:22:54,230 We've gone daft. 218 00:22:54,610 --> 00:22:56,050 Anyone would go daft in this job. 219 00:22:56,530 --> 00:23:00,150 Don't worry. Don't worry. Your worries are over. We have found the formula. 220 00:23:00,790 --> 00:23:02,630 What formula? The clumsy drug. Look. 221 00:23:02,910 --> 00:23:04,230 Oh, to hell with that. 222 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:06,370 He's out of date, old boy. 223 00:23:06,890 --> 00:23:08,210 This is a new menace now. 224 00:23:08,590 --> 00:23:10,910 I don't know where it's going to end. It's sweeping through the country. 225 00:23:10,910 --> 00:23:13,970 politicians, TV personalities, anyone in the public eye. 226 00:23:14,430 --> 00:23:15,830 I've been looking at these recordings. 227 00:23:16,310 --> 00:23:18,750 Well, what's happened to all these people then? Look. 228 00:23:21,390 --> 00:23:22,390 They're ahead of us. 229 00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:26,430 final at Wembley next week, followed by the Rugby League Cup final the following 230 00:23:26,430 --> 00:23:29,770 Saturday, and then a whole week of soccer with the International Football 231 00:23:29,770 --> 00:23:33,010 Championship. That's it. Just before I go, by the way, one late football result 232 00:23:33,010 --> 00:23:35,930 from Scotland, a 3 -5 -5 4 -4 -4. 233 00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:37,450 That's it. More than enough. Goodbye. 234 00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:39,470 The same on BBC 2, too. 235 00:23:41,570 --> 00:23:43,350 ...and in some cases, loops. 236 00:23:43,810 --> 00:23:49,350 For instance, the French Marigold will go from seed, and the seed's only in 237 00:23:49,350 --> 00:23:51,510 March, otherwise, we get nowhere. 238 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:58,720 And the seedlings are flipped into boxes, gradually hardened off, and then 239 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,820 planted at the end of May, early June, when the fear of frost has gone. 240 00:24:03,220 --> 00:24:06,500 Do you think they're all becoming invisible? As soon as they appear on TV, 241 00:24:07,060 --> 00:24:10,240 Wilson's gone, Callaghan's gone, Thorpe's gone. 242 00:24:10,780 --> 00:24:13,440 Well, who's Prime Minister at the moment, then? Michael Parkinson. 243 00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:20,000 Shaw Taylor disappeared a moment ago on Police 5. There's no trace of him. 244 00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:21,420 Perhaps he was stolen. 245 00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:26,420 Someone's putting something in the tea. 246 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:31,060 What? Everybody drinks tea when they go to a television studio, don't they? It's 247 00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:32,060 the TV tea. 248 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,680 Someone's putting something in the television tea. 249 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:36,220 It's possible, I suppose. 250 00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:39,160 What do you think, Joey? 251 00:24:40,340 --> 00:24:41,400 It's the only answer. 252 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,480 Of course it is, but I mean, why? 253 00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:45,060 What's the point? 254 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:50,680 I don't know. 255 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,320 Foolish, I suppose. Like the clumsy drug. How can you look foolish if you're 256 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:58,320 invisible? 257 00:24:58,460 --> 00:24:59,259 That's the point. 258 00:24:59,260 --> 00:25:00,260 It's got you there, Chief. 259 00:25:00,580 --> 00:25:02,180 Well, feel foolish, then. 260 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,460 I grant you that. 261 00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:05,060 Well, what do you want us to do then? 262 00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:06,400 Well, start it once. Get out and about. 263 00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:08,060 See if you can find a few new contacts. 264 00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:09,820 Right. 265 00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,340 Well, here we go again. 266 00:27:51,310 --> 00:27:52,770 Greetings to my birthday boy. 267 00:27:53,530 --> 00:27:54,770 You're 46 today. 268 00:27:57,930 --> 00:28:00,530 Come in, come in. Ah, Arthur Jones. 269 00:28:00,770 --> 00:28:04,590 Good morning. How are you? Sit down, sit down and hurry up. I've lots of work to 270 00:28:04,590 --> 00:28:08,290 do. I'm sorry to disturb you, George. That's quite all right, old lad. 271 00:28:08,530 --> 00:28:11,610 Now, now, come, come. Don't look so glum. I'm sure it's not that bad. 272 00:28:12,670 --> 00:28:16,390 It's just that I've been thinking, and I've just come into state, we shouldn't 273 00:28:16,390 --> 00:28:19,830 go on using rhymes on cards. It's out of date. 274 00:28:20,090 --> 00:28:24,130 What? Not use rhymes on birthday cards? Come, have you lost your mind? 275 00:28:24,410 --> 00:28:28,010 Now, please don't waste my time, lad. You can see Miss Green's behind. 276 00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:34,470 You see, you even speak in verse. It could destroy your health. This thing 277 00:28:34,470 --> 00:28:36,530 gone from bad to worse. I'm doing it myself. 278 00:28:39,010 --> 00:28:43,130 I say, now, now, there's no need to exaggerate, old chap. 279 00:28:43,350 --> 00:28:46,650 I do not always speak in rhyme. That's just a load of rubbish. 280 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,900 without a rhyme. 281 00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:54,060 No, no, out of the question. 282 00:28:54,380 --> 00:28:56,680 Oh, well, I thought I'd mention it. It was only a suggestion. 283 00:28:56,940 --> 00:29:01,000 And very welcome to, I'm sure. It's always nice to know that lads are 284 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,100 on the job. Ta -ta, mind how you go. 285 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,060 Well, strike a light of all the nerve. 286 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,460 I think it's a disgrace. 287 00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:12,340 I know I'm new round here, but still I'd put him in his place. 288 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:17,360 Tell him to take a running jump, obnoxious little worm. Now, you be 289 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,680 you say. He owns the bleeding firm. 290 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:32,420 The old chair's a bit lumpy tonight. 291 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:36,100 I wish the producer wouldn't stand on it to clean the windows. 292 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:43,660 Now, I suppose you're thinking, why is a BBC television producer... producer? 293 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:46,760 Why is he called a producer? 294 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:53,700 Well, he isn't usually, but why is a BBC television producer standing on a chair 295 00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:56,120 cleaning windows? Well, the answer is quite simple. 296 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:57,800 They won't buy him a ladder. 297 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:04,380 You see, it's all part of this ridiculous economy drive. And it is 298 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:11,100 When you think that at 5 .45 tonight, there nearly wasn't any BBC news because 299 00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,100 Richard Baker couldn't borrow a Daily Mirror. 300 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:22,260 And that the canteen wasn't open today because, as an experiment, it is now 301 00:30:22,260 --> 00:30:23,720 being run by the religious department. 302 00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,510 And there was a hold -up with the loaves and fishes. 303 00:30:30,650 --> 00:30:35,250 They really are cutting back round here. For instance, the head of the BBC. 304 00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:39,770 Now, the head of the BBC. Now, the company have always supplied him with 305 00:30:39,770 --> 00:30:44,330 very latest in luxury motor cars, you know. Really prestige vehicles, you 306 00:30:44,330 --> 00:30:49,790 sort of thing. See -through windscreen and... ..revolving wheels. 307 00:30:51,170 --> 00:30:52,850 Power -assisted ashtrays. 308 00:30:53,190 --> 00:30:54,270 Peace -proof radiator. 309 00:30:55,419 --> 00:30:56,419 Reclining hubcaps. 310 00:30:56,820 --> 00:30:58,880 And do you know what he's got now? 311 00:30:59,780 --> 00:31:00,780 A hoop. 312 00:31:04,500 --> 00:31:06,140 It's a bit hard to believe, isn't it? 313 00:31:06,980 --> 00:31:07,980 Do your best. 314 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:14,380 I actually think the shock of it all has been so much for him. Well, last night 315 00:31:14,380 --> 00:31:18,960 I was leaving, and there he was, standing in the car park, crying his 316 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:23,780 I asked him, I said, what's the matter? He said, he said, some... 317 00:31:24,220 --> 00:31:31,020 He said, then somebody's pinched my 318 00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:32,020 hoop. 319 00:31:33,860 --> 00:31:35,420 I said, well, don't worry. 320 00:31:36,220 --> 00:31:39,500 Don't worry. I expect the police will find it in the morning. He said, yes, 321 00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:42,580 that's all right, but how am I going to get home tonight? 322 00:31:44,100 --> 00:31:47,880 Anyway, that needn't... I overdid that. I'm sorry. 323 00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,240 Anyway, that needn't worry you. 324 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,520 It worries us, but it needn't worry you. 325 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,760 Here is a very funny story about two ladies who haven't seen each other for 326 00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,160 years. And they happen to meet, you know, in the supermarket. 327 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,200 And one says to the other, how have things been with you? And the other one 328 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,200 says, couldn't be better. 329 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:08,480 Couldn't be better. I married a very rich man, she said, who thinks the world 330 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:12,380 me. She said, why, only last week he bought me a magnificent ring. 331 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:13,880 Enormous diamond, you know. 332 00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:15,820 The star of gold is green, it's called. 333 00:32:17,660 --> 00:32:18,660 By the way... 334 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:21,730 By the way, I think you'll like this joke because it is a rich joke, you 335 00:32:21,870 --> 00:32:26,330 It's got a diamond ring, a yacht, and a holiday in Bermuda. 336 00:32:27,170 --> 00:32:30,390 In fact, it only needs two birds and a buzzer and it could be the sale of the 337 00:32:30,390 --> 00:32:31,390 century. 338 00:32:34,350 --> 00:32:38,250 To be honest, I think, you know, when times are hard, you know, times are a 339 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:41,210 hard, people don't want to hear about poverty, do they? I mean, be honest. 340 00:32:41,470 --> 00:32:45,490 Actually, I was going to tell you a story which began, there were these two 341 00:32:45,490 --> 00:32:46,459 and outs. 342 00:32:46,460 --> 00:32:49,360 And I thought, well, you know, most of the audience here tonight could take it 343 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,360 personally. 344 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:53,920 I'm only joking. 345 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:55,680 Sit down. 346 00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:58,020 And eat the soup. 347 00:33:04,180 --> 00:33:08,440 We're all having to make economies these days. I mean, yesterday I had to cancel 348 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:12,360 my wife's weekly visit to the beauty parlour, which is rather a pity because 349 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,180 she's been going there for the last six years. 350 00:33:14,750 --> 00:33:16,890 and they've just started letting her leave by the front door. 351 00:33:20,590 --> 00:33:27,310 I have never made any secret of the fact that I have known some very hard times, 352 00:33:27,470 --> 00:33:30,490 ever since I was a child, when I was found on a doorstep. 353 00:33:30,850 --> 00:33:33,670 Not really on a doorstep, because the door opened outwards. 354 00:33:37,310 --> 00:33:39,230 I was found halfway across the road. 355 00:33:41,070 --> 00:33:44,810 And pinned to my little coat was a note saying, keep your head down, the door 356 00:33:44,810 --> 00:33:45,810 opens outwards. 357 00:33:49,490 --> 00:33:50,490 Signed, Mummy. 358 00:33:51,570 --> 00:33:53,170 It's a bit pathetic, isn't it, really? 359 00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:58,190 You come to think of it, so is this joke. But I'm going to tell, anyway, I'm 360 00:33:58,190 --> 00:33:59,770 going to tell it anyway. Where was I up to, by the way? 361 00:33:59,990 --> 00:34:01,070 Oh, yes, that's right, I know. 362 00:34:01,630 --> 00:34:06,730 One of the two ladies, one of the two ladies said, she said, my husband, she 363 00:34:06,730 --> 00:34:10,250 said, bought me a wonderful diamond ring. That's where I got up to. 364 00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:11,870 You know, the star of Goldersby. 365 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,610 He didn't laugh at it then. Why should he laugh at it now? 366 00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,250 Give you a second chance. 367 00:34:19,510 --> 00:34:22,870 He said, I bought a wonderful diamond ring, she said. And the other lady said, 368 00:34:22,949 --> 00:34:23,949 that's nice. 369 00:34:24,210 --> 00:34:28,630 And he said, and for my birthday, he bought me two priceless paintings by 370 00:34:28,630 --> 00:34:30,070 Menuhin and Pablo Casals. 371 00:34:31,949 --> 00:34:34,969 Oh, that's nice, the lady said. She said, I didn't know there were painters. 372 00:34:35,290 --> 00:34:37,210 The other lady said, for our money, they paint. 373 00:34:39,469 --> 00:34:40,469 Oh, that's... 374 00:34:41,310 --> 00:34:45,929 Oh, that's nice, she said. And for our anniversary, bought me my own private 375 00:34:45,929 --> 00:34:48,810 yacht. And the other lady said, oh, that's nice. 376 00:34:49,330 --> 00:34:52,449 Then she said, my husband's very good to me, too, you know. She said, he 377 00:34:52,449 --> 00:34:55,550 recently paid for me to do a wonderful course at a charm school. 378 00:34:55,870 --> 00:34:59,490 So the first one said, and is it very beneficial to you? Have you benefited? 379 00:34:59,490 --> 00:35:00,790 said, oh, yes, she said. Definitely. 380 00:35:01,070 --> 00:35:05,970 So, for instance, I now learn to say, oh, that's nice, instead of, oh, you 381 00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:06,970 bloody liar. 382 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,500 Well, Eshu O 'Hara is a gal who lives next door. 383 00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:31,380 I've known her since times I was six and she was only four. 384 00:35:31,740 --> 00:35:36,900 And now that we have both grown up, it's very plain to see. No matter how hard 385 00:35:36,900 --> 00:35:39,440 she tries to grow, she's still two years younger than me. 386 00:35:42,580 --> 00:35:48,240 When we was little scrubbing kids out playing in my backyard, we didn't have 387 00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:50,620 TV set because time was awful hard. 388 00:35:51,070 --> 00:35:54,650 But when she tried to ask me around, her backyard is filled. 389 00:35:54,870 --> 00:35:58,670 So we could play together, this is what I always said. 390 00:36:03,290 --> 00:36:07,190 Don't come around here asking me out. I ain't coming out just to muck about. 391 00:36:07,410 --> 00:36:10,510 You have to muck about in your own mind, dear, because I'm going to muck about 392 00:36:10,510 --> 00:36:14,570 here. Trundling a truck about, waddling a duck about, I'm going to muck about 393 00:36:14,570 --> 00:36:15,570 here. 394 00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:22,800 Then 10 or 12 years later on, she grew up overnight. 395 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:27,100 Her legs got long and slender and her blouse got awful tight. 396 00:36:27,420 --> 00:36:32,820 But when I asked her if she'd like to visit me next door, she only answered, 397 00:36:32,860 --> 00:36:35,060 you're too late because now I know what for. 398 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:44,160 Oh, come around here asking me out. I ain't going out just to muck about. You 399 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,420 have to muck about here, oh my dear, because I'm going to muck about here. 400 00:37:02,730 --> 00:37:05,850 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Will you please welcome our 401 00:37:05,850 --> 00:37:07,510 friends, the two prizes. 402 00:39:36,460 --> 00:39:39,300 You got your high shoes, you feel fine. 403 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:45,720 And don't you let me out. Don't you let me in. Don't you let me out. 404 00:39:45,940 --> 00:39:50,800 And you shouldn't get all about me. You think that all you've got is a whole 405 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:54,900 night through. And it's just that you put your back out too. 406 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:30,720 I'm going to give her this and that. But she's got a taste for all the things 407 00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:32,340 that make her fat. Oh, baby. 408 00:40:33,460 --> 00:40:34,940 Every night she talks a lot. 409 00:40:36,980 --> 00:40:40,920 We do the Roam Up Rock, KT, Roam, Peppermint Rock. 410 00:40:43,220 --> 00:40:47,860 I rock her to the left. I rock her to the right. She said I like a man who 411 00:40:47,860 --> 00:40:48,860 to rock all night. 412 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:53,040 I took her to the sweet shop. I said it's all for you. She said I only like 413 00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,800 rock when it's better right through. 414 00:41:30,250 --> 00:41:34,730 I took her to the cafe for a fancy casserole. The only thing she fancied 415 00:41:34,730 --> 00:41:38,550 legendary roll. I took her for a picnic. I took her for a stroll. 416 00:41:38,870 --> 00:41:43,190 We sat amongst the rocks, but she wouldn't have a roll. Oh, baby, I'm a 417 00:41:43,530 --> 00:41:45,290 Every night I'm going up. 418 00:41:46,570 --> 00:41:50,950 We do the roll, my rock game. She goes, definitely rock. 419 00:42:10,250 --> 00:42:17,050 man's head to a barmaid, now mix me a drink, a cocktail made up of whatever 420 00:42:17,050 --> 00:42:23,010 think. She mixed it, he drank it, and went right cross -eyed, and three hours 421 00:42:23,010 --> 00:42:25,510 later he came to and cried. 422 00:42:30,540 --> 00:42:33,440 I'd like to try another like the one I had before. 423 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:37,560 I so enjoyed the last one that I'm coming back for more. 424 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:41,700 The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for. 425 00:42:42,060 --> 00:42:45,640 So oblige me with another like the one I had before. 426 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,480 Only bigger. 427 00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:57,960 A man sat in a drugstore and he called for the boss. He said, you gave me a pep 428 00:42:57,960 --> 00:42:59,940 bill to give to my horse. 429 00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:04,100 I put it on the shelf on the wall near my bed. 430 00:43:04,380 --> 00:43:08,040 It fell into the coffee pot and I swallowed it instead. 431 00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:16,020 I'd like to try another like the one I had before. 432 00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:20,160 I so enjoyed the last one that I'm coming back for more. 433 00:43:20,580 --> 00:43:24,280 The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for. 434 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:28,060 So oblige me with another like the one I had before. 435 00:43:29,190 --> 00:43:30,230 Only stronger. 436 00:43:34,470 --> 00:43:41,410 A man said to a preacher, you recall yesterday, you married me and Mary and I 437 00:43:41,410 --> 00:43:42,450 had to pay. 438 00:43:42,670 --> 00:43:48,490 You charged us two dollars for plighting our throats. So I've come around to say 439 00:43:48,490 --> 00:43:50,750 on behalf of us both. 440 00:43:53,030 --> 00:43:54,370 Wait for it now. 441 00:43:54,690 --> 00:43:56,730 We'd like to try it again. 442 00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,560 Like the one we had before. 443 00:44:40,620 --> 00:44:42,360 That's all we have time for this series. 444 00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:46,980 We'd like to thank our resident guests, Swingle 2. 445 00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:57,480 And, of course, Michel Legrand. 446 00:45:04,430 --> 00:45:09,210 In our next series, we're going to look at unusual dances, including the Gay 447 00:45:09,210 --> 00:45:12,090 Gordons, the Nice Nigels, and the Queer Quistophers. 448 00:45:15,990 --> 00:45:20,090 But here is the late news. We've just heard about the new tax form that the 449 00:45:20,090 --> 00:45:23,170 Inland Revenue are bringing out next week. It only has three sections. 450 00:45:23,530 --> 00:45:28,270 One, how much money did you make last year? Two, how much have you got left? 451 00:45:28,270 --> 00:45:29,270 three, send it. 452 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:38,300 The divorce. The divorce was announced today of John Rupert Prendergast and 453 00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:40,060 William Henry Smithers. 454 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,700 Breakdown of the marriage was due to incompatibility and a short -sighted 455 00:45:47,140 --> 00:45:51,260 And Miss Gloria Clegg, who achieved fame last year by marrying in a wedding 456 00:45:51,260 --> 00:45:55,320 dress made entirely of chewing gum, was finally separated from her husband last 457 00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:56,320 week. 458 00:45:58,410 --> 00:46:01,270 Said Mrs. Clegg, thank goodness for that. For the past three months, we've 459 00:46:01,270 --> 00:46:02,270 in a very sticky position. 460 00:46:03,370 --> 00:46:07,230 Well, that's all we've got time for this series, so it's goodbye from me. And 461 00:46:07,230 --> 00:46:08,290 it's goodbye from him. Goodbye. 40081

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.